First off, I am incredibly sorry for taking a month to write this chapter. I expected to be busy with work but I had no idea how busy I would be. Again, I am truly sorry for the very long wait. I also read fanfiction and I know how frustrating waiting for an update can be. Second, I think you'll all like this chapter. There's a very nice surprise at the end and I hope that makes up for the delay. Third, I'm really hoping I won't take a month to write the next chapter but again, I can't promise you anything.
I am so grateful for all your PMs and reviews. Rest assured that I will not leave this story unfinished. I have never published anything I've written and I have never written anything even remotely as long as this. Seeing all your reactions towards this piece of fiction gives me such a sense of fulfillment and as a sign of thanks, I promise to finish this, no matter how long it takes.
Enjoy reading! I'd love to hear from all of you, whether it's a reminder to update or a greeting, know that it's all appreciated. :)
"Paige?" Emily leans over Paige's sleeping figure, wondering why the girl is at the New York pool locker room at this hour. "Are you okay?"
Emily tucks a few hair strands behind Paige's ear. It looks like she has had a rough night. Paige is sleeping on a bench against the wall, in the fetal position. Her hands tucked under her chin with eyes clenched closed, like she's having a nightmare.
Emily knows Paige isn't hers yet, so to speak, but she meant what she said yesterday. She never felt like Paige wasn't hers and that she wasn't Paige's. She never felt like they didn't belong with one another. She never felt like they were meant to be with somebody else. There are so many things about Paige she can never even imagine feeling but as she looks at her right now, all Emily can feel is something she's all too familiar with – worry.
"Baby?" Emily whispers against Paige's ear, trying to ease her out of her dreams. "Paige?"
Paige twitches and lets out a whimper. Emily rubs Paige's shoulder gently as the girl moves closer towards her, unaware that she's so close to falling off the bench. Emily sits on the floor, her back against Paige to keep her from going over the edge and falling flat on the floor.
"I died?" Paige murmurs.
Emily, eyes full of worry, looks at Paige who is still fast asleep. Is Paige dreaming that she died? Does she know already? Emily bites her lower lip, contemplating what to do once Paige wakes up. Is it possible that between last night, when Nick wanted her to keep quiet, and this early hour of the day, Paige already found out that she was dead to the world?
"Drowned? No.."
"Paige.." Emily strokes Paige's cheek, assuring her. "Wake up. You're fine. It's okay."
Emily doesn't know which is more frightening – dreaming that you're actually dying or dreaming of the truth, which in this case, is incredibly similar to each other.
Opting to think that Paige is dreaming of her possible death, Emily kisses her on the cheek, successfully waking her up with a jolt. Paige attempts to push herself up but her hand slides off the bench towards the floor, pulling the rest of her upper body with it. Emily, already anticipating the incident, immediately holds her arms out and catches Paige before she falls completely.
"I had no doubt you'd fall for me but I didn't think it would happen so soon." Emily gives the dazed girl her warmest smile. "Good morning."
Paige scrambles out of Emily's arms and sits herself back on the bench, still groggy. "How did you find me?"
"You're sleeping in my second home. How can I not find you?" Emily pulls a bench and positions it parallel to Paige's.
"Sometimes, I sleep in the most random places. You know, just to see what it feels like to illegally camp out somewhere." Paige lies down again, her back flat against the bench, her eyes fixed on the ceiling.
Emily laughs as she lies down on her own bench, head turned to the person she's talking to. "That's a new hobby of yours."
"Yeah, well, I like to try out new things." Paige says, smiling a little and turning to her side.
"Are you alright?" Emily asks. "You looked like you were having a nightmare."
"I'm fine." Paige answers. "I just had a really weird dream, that's all."
Emily reaches for Paige's hand. "You want to talk about it?"
Paige shakes her head, holding Emily's hand over the gap between the two benches. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you."
"Don't you think it's too early to ask me to be your girlfriend?" Emily teases.
"Very funny." Paige laughs sarcastically. "If I were to ask someone to be my girlfriend, it wouldn't be in a locker room."
"Where would it be then?"
"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it yet."
Emily laughs. "You wanted to ask me something?"
Paige, suddenly feeling shy, clears her throat. "Was I, uh, was I a good girlfriend?"
"You were the perfect girlfriend." The swimmer says softly.
"I'm sure I didn't say stupid things." Paige says apologetically. "It's not that I didn't feel anything. It was more like I didn't know what I felt when I kissed you."
"You don't have to apologize for anything." Emily says, smiling. "Besides, a few days ago you didn't even know me. I should just be thankful you're here and I get another chance to be with you."
"Why are you being so nice?"
"I just don't want to ruin things between us." Emily pauses. "Can I ask you something personal?"
"Okay. You know more stuff about me than I do anyway." Paige says, still holding Emily's hand.
"Why did you say no to Sadie?" Emily asks in anticipation.
Paige thinks for a few seconds, not knowing how to answer the question. "I don't know."
"Do you regret it?"
"No." Paige sighs. "I know it sounds callous but I never regretted it. There are some things you know and feel you can't do without knowing the reason why. Getting married to Sadie was one of those things."
"Okay."
"It wasn't like we had a less than perfect relationship. Of course, we had our bad times but it was always smooth sailing. We were always in sync."
Emily winces. Hearing Paige talk about Sadie hurts more than she imagined it would.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't talk to you about this." Paige says, noticing Emily's tight grip on her hand.
"No, it's okay. I actually know a lot about your relationship with Sadie. We used to talk about it often. We were each other's sounding board and broken hearts were often the topic of conversation. We just.. We agreed early on not to mention any names and personal details and stuff so I never knew it was you she was talking about. I figured it was pure coincidence that Sadie's ex was nearly identical to my own ex-girlfriend, personality-wise."
"It never crossed your mind that it might actually be me?"
"It did. A lot. Her stories of you reminded me so much of a few similar moments I had with you that I often felt silly for even entertaining the thought. The circumstances made it seem impossible."Emily says, deciding to stop talking before she gets to the point where she has no choice but to tell the truth.
"How much do you know about me and Sadie?"
Emily lets out a sigh of relief when Paige doesn't probe. "A lot. I know about your first kiss."
"At Café Diem's back room?" Paige laughs. "That was lame."
"It was sweet. At least it wasn't such an ambush, unlike ours." Emily teases.
Paige becomes uneasy. "Ours?"
"Yeah, ours. Want to take a guess at how it happened?"
"Uh.." The brown haired girl sits up on the bench, thinking. "You described it as an ambush.. I didn't kidnap you, did I?" Paige says, looking very serious and concerned.
Emily grips the edge of her bench to keep herself from falling off as she laughs. "No! You would seriously kidnap someone just for a kiss?"
"Probably not?" Paige lies back down, sheepishly scratching the back of her head. "Maybe if I really wanted that kiss?"
"Then I'm kind of disappointed you didn't kidnap me." Emily fakes a frown.
"Uh.." Paige moves towards Emily, dangerously close to the edge of her bench. "I'm sorry. You know, if my previous self was anything like my current self, then it means I really wanted that kiss because I actually did it."
"Are you saying sorry for not committing a felony?" Emily laughs again. "And don't move any closer or you'd fall off your bench." The swimmer points out, having noticed Paige leaning forward again.
"Oh. It's okay." Paige says, moving back a little.
"Yeah. It's okay. I'll catch you if you fall."
"Tell me about it." Paige says. "I – I mean, tell me about our first kiss." She quickly clarifies once she sees Emily's pleased smile at her previous statement.
"Well.. I was sitting in my car and was about to drive off when you entered the passenger seat. We were in the middle of a fight when you suddenly grabbed me and kissed me. You told me not to tell anyone then left."
Paige stares at Emily, straight-faced and quiet.
"I'm sorry. Were you disappointed?" Emily asks gently, trying to figure out why the girl suddenly had nothing to say.
"Wow. I had guts!" Paige quickly breathes out, wide-eyed and amused.
Emily beams. "Not just guts! Hanna used to say you had more balls than most of the guys in school."
"Did I surprise you?"
"I was shocked to say the least. We weren't exactly friends then. We were more like rivals on the team, always competing for anchor."
"It doesn't sound like the best first kiss though." Paige mutters. "Sorry."
"I didn't know it was going to mean so much to me. I was so confused then but looking back, it was what started us, Paige. You don't have to say sorry. We have always been that way - unpredictable."
"Unpredictable can be good, right?"
Emily can't help but feel warm and fuzzy inside as 18 year old Paige's words back at the Rosewood pool echo in her ears. Unpredictable can be good. Look at us. "You know, it was 18 year old you who said that. That we were unpredictable and that unpredictable can be good. Even now, we are still unpredictable."
"We are?"
"Well.. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. Did you think you'd meet me?"
Paige, reluctant to answer because Emily might find out about her dreams, shakes her head and changes the subject. "So what else did Sadie tell you?"
"She told me all about your sex life." Emily, amused at seeing Paige's jaw drop open, continues. "Like how often, where, what positions, how loud.."
Paige glares at the swimmer, utterly speechless and red in the face.
"I'm kidding!" Emily finally says, pleased with herself for causing such a reaction.
Paige, looking like she held her breath for a long time, exhales out loud. "I actually believed you!" She squeezes Emily's hand. "Hey.. Did we.. Uh.. Have we.. Were you.."
"We have." Emily blushes. "I was your first but you weren't mine. I had a girlfriend before we got together. She.." Emily swallows before she continues. "Maya was my first."
"Oh. Is Maya.. uh.. she's the girl in your laptop? The night I told you about Grandpa Allan?"
"Yeah. That was her."
"What happened to her?"
"She.. She died. Can we talk about something else?" Emily says, feeling uncomfortable.
Emily has gotten over Maya's death but talking to Paige about Maya right now makes her feel uncomfortable because of Lyndon, better known to her as Nate. She knows Paige doesn't know about it yet and she would give anything for Paige to not have to remember. Some of Paige's mannerisms are deeply rooted in that experience. Even now that she has no memory of it, Emily has noticed that she's still just as paranoid.
"Okay." Paige nods.
"We used to do this all the time, you know." Emily stands up from her bench and pulls it closer to Paige's. "We always did this after swimming - lie down on benches and spend hours just talking about anything."
"Did you ever do this with someone else?"
"No. This was our thing."
Paige nods in acknowledgement of Emily's answer.
"Did you miss me?" She asks innocently, noticing the way Emily's eyelids flutter close and open again to gaze back at her.
"You absolutely have no idea how much I missed you and how much I still do." Emily replies, teary-eyed and voice heavy with longing.
Paige leaves the New York pool confused. After waking up from a very disturbing dream in the middle of the night, she couldn't do anything to calm herself down. The best she could think of was to sneak into the New York pool to gaze at the water – something she has found to work every time. Since she didn't feel like going to her parents' place in the middle of the night and having to explain her presence, the New York pool was the only option. It's funny how talking to her parents used to be second nature and now, she'd rather do something illegal than to have an encounter with them.
Sleeping in the locker room was a spur of the moment thing when she realized that getting in was no trouble but getting back out unnoticed was an entirely different matter. Not that the rest of her night was any better, seeing as how she dreamt of the same dream anyway.
What improved her mood, though she'd still deny it, was waking up to Emily Fields. That probably explains why somewhere out of the blue, her dream self heard Emily's voice before a mermaid kissed her awake. Imagine her surprise at finding herself fall into Emily's arms.
Now that she's alone and walking back to her place, the ache in her shoulders creeps into her consciousness, a reminder of how impulsive she can be at times. She feels silly, sleeping there because she's too afraid the guards will find out she sneaked in. 2 weeks ago, she never would have even considered sneaking into any place. Then again, 2 weeks ago, she wouldn't have even thought of meeting someone from her past, much less the girl in her dreams who just so happened to be her old girlfriend.
She remembers telling Angel she'd give Emily a chance and she knows Emily deserves one - no matter how many things she's accused Emily of doing or not doing. She knows that much. So instead of walking towards her apartment, her unconscious leads her towards a different direction and soon enough, she finds herself in Café Diem.
Paige hasn't talked to Sadie since the day Emily found them on top of one another. She doesn't know whether Sadie has talked to Emily since then. She's still pretty annoyed at Sadie for having told Emily of her amnesia but she did say she'd let it go. Since it's been days anyway, maybe Sadie's feeling more generous with facts?
Paige knocks on Café Diem's counter to catch the redhead's attention. "Got time for a chat?"
Sadie glances around the café before signalling to Riley. "Man the café for a while."
Sadie catches Paige's eyes and leads the way outside without saying anything. When the 2 girls are both seated comfortably at the wooden bench outside the café, Paige turns to the smaller girl, not knowing where to start.
"I need to know the whole story about Emily." Paige says, straight to the point.
"I told you, I can't." Sadie replies without looking at Paige.
"Why not?"
"Because it's something she needs to tell you herself." Sadie stands up, ready to leave. "If you want to know, just ask her."
"I want to give her a chance!" Paige blurts out, also standing up.
Sadie sits back down, sighing heavily. "I knew that was coming. But it's different actually hearing you say it."
"Sadie, I'm sorry." Paige takes Sadie's hand. "It may not seem like it but I'm not trying to hurt you. You know how I felt about Emily at the start. I didn't like her and sometimes, I still find myself feeling that way. But we just have this connection I can't describe and I can deny it all I want but it's not going to go away."
"I know. I saw it the first time you met. Before she slapped you, anyway." Sadie says with watery eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"I saw recognition in your eyes, like you've seen her before but you don't know who she is. I guess your brain circuits were trying to make a connection but that part of your memory is blocked. I don't even know if that makes sense." Sadie sighs. "I just didn't expect this to hurt this much. We weren't even together."
Paige hugs Sadie tight. "I don't know what to say, Dee. I didn't expect this to happen either."
"No one did, most especially not Emily. I just need time. I'll be fine. I got over you, didn't I?"
"I didn't know Emily and I were at par in your world." Paige teases, making the other girl smile.
Sadie looks up and blinks at the same time, keeping her tears from falling. "I proposed to you, didn't I? If you can guarantee a yes, I'd do it again." Sadie teases Paige back.
"Dee, there are still things I don't understand. A lot of things actually and I was hoping you could help me. I know Emily and I.. I know we used to be together. But what if she still hasn't gotten over her dead ex-girlfriend?"
"Lia, believe me, it's clear to me now that she will never get over her ex-girlfriend." Sadie says as she gazes out onto the street.
"Are you saying this is doomed from the start?" Paige asks, even more confused than before.
"I'm saying you should talk to Emily."
"I came here to clear things up and now I'm just more..." Paige frowns. "I don't even know why she never looked for me."
"Ask her." Sadie fixes her gaze on Paige. "Lia, she has all the answers to the questions you're asking. Talk to her."
Sadie gives the still confused girl a sad smile before leaving her and going back inside the café. It takes a minute for Paige to regain her composure. She peers into the window and sees Sadie working the counter. She feels guilty for being the cause of Sadie's heartache and for a while, she sits outside the café, contemplating her decision to give Emily a chance.
Maybe instead of putting herself first, she should just focus on being a good friend to Sadie? If the tables were turned, if she was in Sadie's position and Sadie was in hers, what would she want Sadie to do?
Before continuing home, Paige takes one last glance into the café where Sadie is busy talking to a customer. She has that empty look behind her eyes that tells those who can recognize it that she's just drifting through life at the moment – a silent call for help. The last time she was like this, it was the night Paige rejected her proposal. Paige pedals back to that moment in her mind, remembering how Sadie's eyes changed drastically, from one filled with pure joy to one of emptiness, the second she said no. Not wanting to relive that moment, Paige gets up and heads home.
Most people talk about the heartbroken and rightfully so because they're probably the ones who hurt the most. But few people take note of those who have done the hurting, those who are considered the jerks, the assholes, the monsters. What the heartbroken often fail to understand is this: it's not an easy decision and even when it's over, it's not easy knowing you broke someone's heart. For Paige, it was never about herself. It was always about Sadie and saving her from a life with someone who obviously doesn't feel as deeply for her as she does for the girl she proposed to.
They say whatever the reason behind it, it all hurts the same. But Paige doesn't believe that because she knows better. She has to know better because right now, it's all she's holding on to. Emily never looked for her and maybe that's all old news but she can't seem to let it go. Not when they've been living in the same city, only blocks away from each other. Not when Emily apparently knew her dad well enough to be conniving with him while she was taking a bath. Not when she has been looking for Emily ever since she can remember and the girl has been what, doing nothing?
Paige enters her apartment, knowing she can give Emily a chance but also knowing that for Emily to succeed in winning her over, she has to be completely honest with her.
After having a salad brunch at home and dodging calls from her mother, Paige spends the afternoon browsing through stores, window shopping for furniture to place in George's room. At this early in the afternoon, Paige strolls leisurely. She doesn't pay much attention to her surroundings, the crowd still thin but already starting to build up. Not looking where she's going, she accidentally bumps shoulders with a curly haired stranger who seems to be in a hurry.
"Watch it!"
"Sorry." Paige mumbles, already walking away.
"Hey, wait!" The girl calls after her, having noticed who she bumped into. "Paige!"
Paige turns around and eyes the cheerful girl curiously, looking at her up and down, trying to place why she seems so familiar. "Do I know you?"
"Your age is really showing, McCullers. You used to have such a good memory!" Curly hair blurts out before realizing what she just said. "I-I'm sorry. I forgot. I didn't mean to.."
It takes Paige a few seconds but she now remembers where she's seen this woman in front of her. She saw her at the pool's locker room before and formally met her yesterday at the flower market. Spencer, Emily's friend.
"It's alright." Paige says, amused. "Spencer, right? You're one of Emily's friends. We met at a coffee shop in the Chelsea Flower Market yesterday. You were drinking a huge cup of black coffee and probably irate with your other friend. The blonde one, Hanna, right?"
Spencer almost chokes. "Well, that was only yesterday. You'd obviously remember all that."
"You were wearing Rayban sunglasses, black skinny jeans, and a semi-sheer white blouse with a stand up collar. You were also wearing a striped soft blue and cream school boy blazer and black cut-away boots." Paige spouts off.
"Wow." Spencer gawks.
"Hanna, on other hand, was wearing a black top with a white and cream embellished collar, an embroidered skirt, and ladder strap peep-toes. Emily ordered her an Americano." Paige continues.
"Show-off." Spencer mutters, smiling.
"Yeah, well, I seem to have a knack for remembering things I don't need to remember." Paige rolls her eyes.
"Hey, your memories will come. In time." Spencer touches Paige on the shoulder, a gesture of support. "I never knew you were so adept at fashion."
"My best friend is in a band and likes to keep up to date with fashion trends. I'm her sometimes unwilling sounding board for a lot of things, including the latest style of shoes that go with cropped tops and the like." Paige waves her hand, dismissing the topic.
Spencer laughs before holding her hand out to Paige. "I'm Spencer Hastings. We went to Stanford together and we were practically best friends. I'd love to meet your new best friend."
Paige shakes Spencer's hand, smiling. "Hi. Angel's busy with her gigs. She's always coming and going. It's tasking to set up a meeting with her but if you really want to, I don't see why not."
Spencer chuckles. "It's fine. Right now, I think I just want to get reacquainted with you. Are you doing anything right now?"
"I'm supposed to be doing some shopping for a client's house but it's not something I have to do today." Paige says, caught in Spencer's excitement.
"Great! Give me a minute." Spencer makes a call and asks her secretary for her appointments. "Wait, don't I have a 3:00? Oh, really? Good good. Thanks. See you tomorrow." She says to her phone.
"You seem to be busy."
"No, I actually have a rare free afternoon. My client is sick with the flu and cancelled our appointment." Spencer beams. "So, I have a great afternoon planned for us and I believe it will blow your mind."
Spencer motions for Paige to follow her. "Where are we going?"
"You'll see. I just know you'll love it. McHastings is back!" Spencer says, hugging Paige before walking to the driver's side of her car.
"I'm about to get into the car of a complete stranger who's taking me to an unknown destination." Paige says before entering the passenger seat. "I know that should be raising alarms and I should be paranoid but I somehow feel at ease with you."
"Maybe it's because you and I have history." Spencer says as she starts the car.
"You and I.. Us.. Really?" Paige looks at Spencer in a weird way. "Really?!"
"What?" Spencer glances at Paige and sees how uneasy she looks. "Oh. No. NO! We weren't together! Not ever!" Spencer quickly adds, shaking her head vigorously.
"Was I that bad a girlfriend to Emily?"
"I didn't mean it that way!" Spencer laughs.
"So.. McHastings?"
"McCullers and Hastings. Our group kind of has a thing for joining names together." Spencer explains. "McHastings is what everyone calls our tandem."
"McHastings." Paige nods. "I like the sound of that."
"So do I. Welcome back, McCullers." Spencer smirks, as she revs the engine up.
Throughout the drive, the pair engage in small talk, catching up and talking about their present lives and a bit about the past. By the time they get to their destination, Spencer has just finished recounting for Paige how a penalty was named after her in Field Hockey. They were both laughing so hard that Spencer can barely park her car.
"That took a while." Spencer says, still catching her breath from laughing.
"You bet it did." Paige teases.
"Hey, you try parking the car while laughing your ass off! It was all I could do not to bump into any of these parked cars."
"Where are we anyway?" Paige looks around as soon as she steps out of Spencer's vehicle.
"You haven't been here?" Spencer asks, amused. "You'll love this place!" She says as she pulls Paige towards the ticket booth.
"The Guggenheim?!" Paige exclaims, staring up at the huge building looming over them.
"Trust me." Spencer smiles at the girl, smug and excited all at the same time.
"I'll have two slices of apple pie." Emily says to the girl on the other side of the counter. "I'll be having them here."
"Two slices. Hungry?" The girl asks, plating Emily's order and placing them on a tray.
"No. I'm buying you a slice." Emily places her hand over the girl's. "My table's over there." She points to the table at the side of the counter.
Emily carries her tray to her chosen table, one hidden from view by a couple of potted indoor trees. This is her favourite table when she wants some privacy. She sits, placing an apple pie in front of her and the other across her, waiting patiently.
"There's no sense in bribing someone with their own apple pie." The small girl says, finally deciding to give Emily a chance.
Sadie stands by the table, arms crossed and not entirely happy with the situation but nevertheless willing to see where it goes. It took her 10 minutes observing Emily poke the apple pie, not eating and just waiting for her, before coming over.
"Maybe. But it's still free food, right? Besides, you can't just let this slice of apple pie go to waste." Emily smiles. "Come on, it's the best apple pie I've ever tasted." Emily dangles a fork with apple pie in front of the girl, hoping she won't be able to resist.
"Fine." Sadie gives in, uncrossing her arms and sitting reluctantly across from Emily.
"Great!" Emily says, sounding a little too grateful. "So.. How have you been?"
"You really want to start with that? Okay." Sadie picks up her fork and points it at the girl in front of her. "You flirted with me for 2 years, Emily. 2 years! Then you drop me like a hot potato as soon as Lia comes into the picture! You kissed me in this café's restroom! The restroom my ex-girlfriend decorated! In the café that my ex-girlfriend also decorated! I spent 2 years chasing after you only to have you run after my ex-girlfriend, someone who, by the way, I proposed to and turned me down! She's not even doing anything to win you over! She doesn't even remember you, Emily!" Sadie says through gritted teeth, obviously holding herself back to avoid making a scene.
Emily exhales loudly. "She may not remember anything, Sades, but I remember her. I remember everything. Don't think I never felt anything for you. I honestly and truly thought we could build something."
"If she remained dead, is that it? Is that what you want? For me to wish one of my best friends is dead?!" Sadie slams the fork down on the table.
"That's not what I meant!" Emily says calmly, trying to hide the fear in her voice, upon seeing Sadie so angry. "I never wanted you to feel this conflicted. I never wanted to hurt you!"
"But you did! We could have been so easy! We could have made new memories together! We could have had a life here! We could have been happy!" Sadie glares at Emily, tears falling. "And yet you chose someone who doesn't even remember what you had, someone who doesn't know you. You still chose the much harder person to love when you already have the much easier choice - me!"
"What kind of love would that be? If I chose you just because it was easier?" Emily explains. "You are stable and sure and safe. I'm not going to deny that. You are everything anyone could ever hope for."
"Don't patronize me, Fields!"
"I'm not. Sadie, I'm not." Emily reaches over to take Sadie's hand. "But this has nothing to do with you. Please."
Sadie retracts her hand before Emily can take it. "It has everything to do with me, Emily! You may not think of it the way I do but I'm always going to think that I wasn't.." Sadie pauses. "That I'm not good enough!"
"That's unfair! Paige and I had years of history!" Emily leans forward, trying to keep her voice down. "Sadie.. You can't compare yourself with Paige. Like I said, we have history."
"Stop."
"I know you don't want to hear this but you know you need to hear it."
"Just stop!" Sadie slams her hand down on the table, making Emily jump in her seat. "I'm sorry.."
"It's closure, Sadie.." Emily places her hand over Sadie's, the redhead allowing contact this time. "Under the circumstances, things are definitely hard with Paige. But I have gone through hell and back trying to get over her. You know that. And it has gotten me nowhere. However hard things are right now, I've been through worse."
Sadie stands up quickly, almost knocking her chair to the floor. "Nowhere?! It has gotten you nowhere? So apparently, whatever it is we had is nothing! Thank you for telling me!"
Emily grabs Sadie's arm. "Sadie, please. I'm sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am that this happened. If Paige came to the café to propose to you instead of to talk, what would you have done?"
"I.." Sadie stares at the floor, unable to answer the question. "I don't know.." She gulps.
"She was my life and when she died, a huge part of me died with her. I wasn't sure I was there yet but it was the closest I've ever been. I agreed to meet your ex-girlfriend because I finally wanted to become more involved with you." Emily lets go of Sadie, sure now that the café owner will at least hear her out. "Finding out she isn't dead.. Do you know how that made me feel? It turned back time, Sades. It brought me right back to the day I saw her being dragged out of the water, pale and blue, breathless and still. Seeing her in my head like that in comparison to seeing her in front of me, alive and breathing and talking. In that moment, everything unravelled and in all my confusion, I felt my heart quiet down. For the first time since she died, even if it was just for a fraction of a second, there was no pain. There was just her."
Sadie sits back down.
"Before my hand struck her cheek, I felt my heart calm down because I finally knew she was safe. I loved her, Sadie. I built everything around her. How can I not want that back? How can I not try to get her back?"
Sadie just nods her head, her hands in front of her, one fiddling with the fork and the other flat on the table.
"I fought for you for those 2 years, Sadie. I tried so hard to get over her, to be okay enough to be able to start something with you." Emily continues. "I'm sorry I failed."
"If you somehow became my girlfriend and Lia came along, you'd still go after her, wouldn't you?" Sadie asks, head down and whispering.
Emily doesn't answer. She says nothing because she knows the difference between what someone wants to hear and the truth. It wouldn't have been a problem if the answer was the same but both girls sitting at the table know the answers are exact opposites.
"Yeah, I figured." Sadie accepts defeat, slumping in her chair and bowing her head lower, hiding her face.
"Sades.." Emily sighs. "I need to do this."
"Are you telling me this is one of the things you just have to do?" Sadie picks her head up slightly, hope in her voice. "Something like seeing the world and all that stuff before finally settling down?"
"What if your mom wakes up one day not remembering you? Wouldn't you try to make her remember?"
"My mom's family. Not that I wouldn't want to do it but I'm obligated to!"
"Paige is part of my family. She's my family."
Sadie nods again and then lifts her head up to reveal red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "I used to think I was competing with a ghost and it would only take time before I finally won out. I never thought that it was the only reason I was still in the competition."
"Sadie.."
"It's fine." Sadie gives Emily a thin smile as she runs her fork through the apple pie. "I've had my heartbroken once. Now, twice. Not a big deal."
"I know saying sorry won't do anything, Sades. I know nothing I say will help."
"How ironic." Sadie feigns a chuckle. "Because I'll bet my life you're the only one who can help me."
"You know lying isn't the solution."
"I know. But it can sure act like a salve." Sadie takes a bite out her apple pie. "You're right. This is the best apple pie ever."
"I have no doubt there'll be someone soon, Sadie. Girls are flirting with you left and right all the time. Just bring out the mini shorts and plaid tops."
"Just because fish are biting doesn't mean I want any fish."
"I can stay away for a while if you want. I mean, if you need time I'd totally understand."
"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say. See you around, Fields." Sadie gets up, already starting to leave.
"Sades, are you angry?" Emily blurts out while Sadie is still within earshot. "I just want to know where we stand."
Sadie pauses. "There's a difference between angry and hurt, Emily. Deeply hurt." She says loud enough for the swimmer to hear before walking away from the one girl after Lia, that she bet her heart on.
"So?" Spencer asks Paige as they walk out of the Guggenheim.
"It was alright." Paige says, already anticipating Spencer's shock.
True enough, Spencer stops in her tracks and turns to Paige. "Alright?! Are you serious?"
"What?" Paige puts her hands in her back pockets.
"Are you for real?!" Spencer says, looking like she's about to strangle Paige.
"Okay, relax!" Paige grins. "I loved it! I can't believe I never went here before!"
"HA! I knew it!" Spencer pumps her fist in the air in triumph. "You've always wanted to, you know."
"Really?" Paige looks at Spencer curiously.
"You and Emily, you guys were a big fan of lists. You had several bucket lists – places you'd go to, old movies you'd want to watch together, restaurants you'd like to try, dishes you want to cook. Back in Stanford, you had more post-it notes on your bulletin board than I had on mine and that says a lot."
"I guess we were really close then." Paige says, more like a question than a statement.
"It wasn't always the case. When you and Emily were still starting out, I didn't like you at all. In fact, out of everyone, I disliked you the most. I think I hated you at one point. You saved my life once on a Halloween train and that was the start of McHastings. We only grew closer from that point on."
"Halloween train?"
"There's a reason Emily called you batman yesterday." Spencer grins.
"I still don't get it." Paige scratches the back of her head awkwardly.
"You will. Eventually." Spencer assures her with a laugh. "Let's grab some dinner, shall we? You pick."
"Okay. There's this diner near my place.." Paige suggests.
"A diner?" Spencer smiles. "Does this diner happen to serve grits?"
"The best in the city!" Paige says, excited.
"Have you even been anywhere outside the city?" Spencer raises an eyebrow.
"Not anywhere that I can remember, at least." Paige answers.
Both girls drive back to Paige's apartment for a late lunch. Spencer parks her car in front of Paige's building. They walk for a block, talking and laughing for a good 10 minutes, before they reach the diner.
"Dean's Diner?" Spencer reads the sign as she opens the door. "How original." She says sarcastically.
"You have to try the grits."
"No thanks. I never understood why you like grits so much." Spencer says as she orders fries with a strawberry milkshake.
"That's coming from the girl who just ordered garbage for lunch."
"Let me jog your memory." Spencer grabs a napkin and starts drawing a box and labelling it Stanford. "Outside Stanford, there's this one place we stumbled into one drunken night. That place is where your love for diners and grits began. You had your grits, I had my fries and milkshake."
"You make it sound like it's tradition." Paige says as Spencer finishes her map. "And I think I know why you took up Psychology instead of Fine Arts.
"It's not just tradition, Paige." Spencer points out. "It's a McHastings tradition! This is as good a place as any to restart that."
Paige's phone beeps and Sadie's name appears on the screen along with a message saying that Emily came to the café for a talk. She sighs and places her phone back in her pocket.
"You don't look too happy about whatever text you just received."
Paige sighs again. "It seems like this isn't the only thing I have to restart."
"Emily?"
Paige remains silent, focusing on the waitress walking towards them, carrying a tray with grits, fries, and strawberry milkshake.
"There are two people in this world you can't fool, Paige. Emily and me." Spencer slides Paige's order over to her and thanks the waitress. "Your silence is an inefficient barrier."
Paige stirs her grits, gathering her thoughts. "I was denied my past for whatever reason and I just accepted it because my life here is good. But I never stopped wondering and I never stopped wanting to know."
Spencer dips a fry in her milkshake, gracefully puts it in her mouth, and nods as she listens to Paige.
"I want to know about my life. I don't want to live it again. I know I should be thankful for having someone so.."
"Stubborn?"
Paige laughs. "I guess you can say that. I should be thankful for someone so stubborn, so persistent, like Emily. But I can't help thinking that being with her will make me feel like I'm just living my past."
Spencer dips another piece of French fry in her milkshake. "I hate to point this out but unless you remember everything about your past, you're not reliving it." Spencer pops the fry into her mouth, with less poise this time. "It'll be more like just living it for the first time."
"It feels like I'm being swept away in a tide I'm not equipped to swim against."
"I know without a doubt that Emily isn't pushing you into doing anything. So I'm going to go with.." Spencer faces Paige. "What are you worried about?"
"I'm not worried about anything." Paige gulps down a whole glass of water, still not touching her grits.
"Let me be more specific. Why are you worried about being with Emily?"
"Spencer, you're one of her best friends. I barely know you."
"Emily and I are best friends but so are we, Paige. If you need proof of that, here are two for you. You've already told me how you feel swept away by everything. Correct me if I'm wrong but you only ever use metaphors when you're serious about something. And you haven't even touched your food which you only ever do when you're worrying about someone you really care about."
Paige places her spoon back into her bowl and shakes her head in disbelief.
"Yeah, I aced Paige McCullers 101. The only one who has a higher grade in that is – "
"You're going to say Emily Fields, aren't you?"
"It's the truth. Want a fry?" Spencer offers Paige her plate of fries.
Paige's nose scrunches up as she declines. "No, thanks."
"Paige, in my profession, being able to read a person isn't a requirement but it is a highly valuable skill. And I can assure you, I am very good at what I do. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to but if there's something you want to say, I'm here. Free of charge." Spencer smiles.
Paige looks Spencer over for a minute, considering the offer. "How do you know I'm the same person I was 4 years ago?"
"I don't."
"And how do you resolve that? 4 years is a long time. I could be a psychopath now."
"The same way two friends can lose touch and still reconnect years later. I don't think of you as someone who lost her memories. Although, of course, that's a fact. But if you think about it, if you push that at the back of your head, isn't this situation just the same as the one I previously mentioned?"
"That we just lost touch?"
"Yes. How difficult would it be to be friends with someone you were already good friends with? Think about it. It could be that we lost touch after graduation because we were both so busy with our careers. And now that we are both more established in our professions, we have the time to catch up and reminisce."
"Except that you'll be the only one reminiscing and I'll be listening to you recount experiences. And I doubt a friend is similar to a girlfriend. I mean, when you meet an ex, most people don't just rekindle an old flame and pick up where they left off. I also doubt that their ex is a complete stranger."
"See, that's the thing. For Emily, you were never an old flame. And in your case, memory-wise, she was never a girlfriend and so, not your ex-girlfriend."
"I can't just ignore the fact that we used to be together, if that's what you're suggesting!"
"All I'm saying is, Emily never got over you and you don't seem to be running the other way. It's pretty obvious there's something there."
"What's there?"
"Don't try to fool me, McCullers! Don't even tell me that you feel nothing for her because, in case you haven't noticed, most people don't worry this much over a complete stranger."
"I just don't like hurting other people, okay? I don't want to be with her only to disappoint her in the end because I'm not the person she thought I was. How does Emily know I'm still the girl she used to be in-love with?""
"Believe me, you still are." Spencer smiles to herself.
"We may have been best friends but I seriously doubt you know me well enough now to say that." Paige says, still mindlessly stirring her grits.
"You're putting her first." Spencer beams, halfway through her milkshake and fries. "That's a signature Paige McCullers move."
"You make it sound like I'm so whipped." Paige points her spoon at Spencer, accidentally flinging blobs of grits in the air.
"Well, you are." Spencer laughs as she avoids the flying grits.
"And that's a good thing?" Paige narrows her eyes and shakes her head at Spencer.
"Yes." Spencer says casually, drinking her milkshake.
"Well?" Paige waits for Spencer to explain.
"It's a good thing because Emily is just as whipped as you are." Spencer points to her companion's food. "Your grits are getting cold."
Finally, Paige takes a spoonful of grits, hiding her smile behind a full mouth. "The best grits, I tell you." She hands Spencer her spoon which is practically dripping in grits.
"No." Spencer raises her hands in front of her to refuse Paige's offer. "You can have that to yourself, Paige."
"Fine by me." Paige quickly says as she focuses on her food.
"And you can also have Emily." Spencer adds, making Paige almost choke.
"There's something else that's bothering me."
Spencer leans towards Paige as she ties her curls into a ponytail. "What is it? Tell Spencer Hastings everything. That's what I'm here for."
"After just an afternoon with you, it surprises me that I already feel very comfortable with you, Spencer. I'm willing to take that as a sign that we used to be best friends but you're also Emily's friend and I don't want to put you in the middle."
"I'm a psychologist, Paige. When I facilitate couples therapy, I'm always in the middle."
"This isn't couples therapy." Paige gives Spencer an exasperated face.
"You and Emily used to be in a relationship. Now, you're not. She wants to make it work with you and you're not sure what to do. For all intents and purposes, this is couples therapy. Now tell me what's bothering you."
"Is this how you treat clients? You bully them?"
"Unless you're paying me, you're technically not my client."
"Fine. You win." Paige throws her hands up in the air. "I just don't see how she can say she loves me but not look for me."
Spencer is taken aback. Paige, who has gone back to stirring her grits, hardly notices. "You're wondering why Emily never looked for you?"
"Is that so hard to believe?" Paige replies sarcastically.
It suddenly dawns on Spencer that Paige still has no idea what went on with the people she left behind when her family brought her to New York. No one has told her so far and it's what's keeping her from being with Emily.
"It's not. Paige, there's a reason Emily never looked for you. I'm not in a position to reveal that because it's a very personal matter."
"I suppose you're going to tell me to talk to Emily about it, right? That's all Sadie keeps telling me." Paige rolls her eyes.
"When it comes to that topic, I'm not really sure where the information should come from. I'm sure of one thing though." Spencer concentrates, carefully finding the right words to string together to say what she wants to say and at the same time, not reveal anything. "If Emily knew it was possible to find you, she would have."
"I don't understand."
"Right now, I don't expect you to."
"Then what's the point? Why even tell me what she would have done if I can't even understand why she didn't anyway?" Paige says, raising her voice in frustration.
"Because it shows you that she has the best of intentions, Paige. Judging by the way you're reacting to Emily's advances, you've already decided to give her a chance. Stop giving yourself reasons not to. There's a reason you feel comfortable with me. There's a reason you feel this way about Emily so effortlessly. When your brain locks up your memories of certain people, we are taught that emotional connections with them stop as well. I don't think that's true."
"What are you saying?"
"The way I see it, your brain just rewired itself so it won't have to use the connections previously associated with people you've forgotten. Connections for Emily, for me, for Rosewood, for everyone and everything you don't remember. And now that we're here, your brain is slowly travelling through the same connections it once did before the accident. And because your brain recognizes these connections already and it's all familiar, you feel things you don't normally feel when you meet new people. You're more at ease, more open, more accepting."
"Did you even study neurophysiology? Because it doesn't seem like you have."
"I have a degree in Psychology. Of course I did!" Spencer says, feeling slightly insulted and challenged. "This is called a theory, McCullers. My theory."
"And your theory is that my brain somehow remembers my past?"
"Yes. It remembers some of it but not enough to make you conscious of it. So instead of you actually remembering, you're just feeling the same emotions you felt with us before."
"You know what? I think all those fries and milkshakes you've been eating since Stanford have finally gotten to you."
"You can insult me all you want, McCullers. We both know you want to give Emily a chance. Just go for it. You and Emily are alike. That should be enough to calm your fears."
"I would hardly think we're alike." Paige says as she finishes her food.
"She would rather hurt herself first before she hurts you. And judging by your actions in the past, you're that way too."
Paige wakes up early, not knowing how she ended up at home in her bed. The last thing she recalls is her conversation with Spencer and walking home from the diner. It seems like their conversation had her so deep in thought that she doesn't even remember taking a shower and getting into bed.
She looks at the time. It's almost dawn and she already feels well rested and ready to start her day. A swim would be nice. She thinks twice but ultimately decides to go to the New York pool. She sneaked in yesterday. Who's to say she can't do it again? Besides, by the time she finishes her morning swim, the pool would already be open and she can get out safely.
Paige gathers her things and half jogs to the pool for a warm-up. Once she gets there, she heads to the locker room and tries to find an empty locker she can deposit her stuff in. It takes a while but she finally finds one. She quickly changes into her swimsuit and is placing her bag inside the locker when a familiar voice startles her.
"Hi."
Paige closes the door of the only open and empty locker she found just 10 minutes ago to address the person behind it. "Are you stalking me?" She raises both her eyebrows at none other than Emily Fields.
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Emily says, opening the locker beside Paige's. "I'm on break so I'm only here when I want to but I usually train here with George everyday. Not this early but I'm avoiding the team at the moment. So, tell me, what are you doing here at dawn?"
"And it matters to you because?" Paige asks, putting her goggles on and tightening the straps.
"Because this used to be my time. The guards know me and they also know I come here at this hour sometimes. How did you get in?"
"Haven't we already established that I know how to sneak in?" Paige answers nonchalantly.
"Do you always do that? Sneak into places?" Emily asks, suddenly curious.
"Only here. At the pool."
Emily smiles, her lips curving upward just a little, looking at Paige like she knows more than she lets on.
"What?" Paige narrows her eyes at Emily, her forehead creasing. "You know something I'm supposed to know but don't remember, don't you?"
"At least that's something that hasn't changed." Emily's smile grows wider. "You can still read me so well."
"You were being suspicious. Suspicious is easy to read on anyone." Paige removes her goggles. "Tell me!"
"Nope." Emily replies immediately, slowly walking towards the locker room doors.
"Why not?"
"I can't just spout off all your memories for you. Research says exposing yourself to things in your past might help you remember." Emily opens the locker room doors, looking back before heading out to the pool.
"I know that. I've spent countless hours researching how to get my memories back."
"Then come on, work for your memories. Who knows? Maybe it'll feel like you're reliving them once you remember." Emily says, leaving the locker room and an amazed Paige behind.
Paige slowly walks towards the doors, poking her head out and surveying the area, searching for Emily. The girl is nowhere to be found. Did she leave? That doesn't make sense. Paige walks out, the sound of her slippers slapping against the floor tiles echoing around the room.
Emily shoots out from underwater, in the middle of the pool, and shouts. "Show me your fins, McCullers! Are you a shark or what?!"
Paige, surprised, shouts back the first thing that comes to her mind. "I'm 100% shark, Fields!"
Emily, delighted with Paige's reply, laughs out loud. Her laughter bounces off the walls of the room, filling Paige's ears and making her laugh as well. Paige sits on the edge with her feet in the pool, still chuckling, as Emily swims towards her.
"I don't know what made me say that." Paige says, embarrassed at the silliness of her reply.
Emily smiles back at her knowingly. "Hey, no slacking off." The swimmer says, as she braces her hands against the concrete ledge at either side of Paige and hoists herself up with her arms, resting her abdomen against Paige's legs, to look the other girl in the eye.
Paige, smitten by the gorgeous girl in front of her, scrambles her brain for a reply. "You're making me wet." Damn it.
"I really hope so." Emily winks at her before disappearing underwater.
That was such a stupid thing to say! Paige thinks to herself, kicking herself for that Freudian slip.
"Well?" Emily says coyly, once again in the middle of the pool.
Paige, remembering what Spencer said last night about Emily and her promise to Angel to give this a chance, finally lets herself go and feel everything she's been trying so hard not to feel.
"There's a reason sailors are warned not to go after mermaids, you know." Paige answers, more confident and ready to play the game this time.
"And there's a reason sailors fall for mermaids. We always get what we want." Emily dives underwater and pops out in front of Paige again. "Besides, this mermaid isn't looking for a sailor."
Paige smiles. "What is this mermaid looking for then?"
"It depends. What's there to find?" Emily says, pulling on Paige's toes underwater.
"Well, what do you want to find?" Paige asks back. We can play this game all day.
"How about.. a.. shark?" Emily says softly, shy and more serious, anticipating Paige's reply.
Paige's smile slowly disappears as she looks at Emily, standing in front of her, neck deep in water. Her hair tied in a ponytail, wet but still glistening against the light. Her skin, so smooth, almost like marble perfectly spray painted a nice creamy tan. Her eyes, deep brown pools of chocolate, full of honesty and sincerity. Her face, with angles and curves in all the right places, looking so sophisticated and gentle and warm all at the same time. And her smile. Her smile that only accentuates what is easily the most beautiful and innocent face Paige has ever seen.
It only takes one clear moment to erase all of her doubts. This girl in front of her, no matter how they started, no matter how they ended, no matter all the memories she forgot in between, is the one person who has always been honest with her. Even Angel lied to her once. She may have been difficult at the start and it took a while but she clearly isn't like that anymore. Right now, at this moment, all Paige can see is who she has always looked forward to at the end of the day and who she has always wished to see when she goes to sleep at night – the girl of her dreams, except she's not just a dream anymore.
Paige McCullers gently slips into the water, closes the gap between them and kisses Emily Fields. The sweet smell of peaches and sharp chlorine mix together to bring her back to their first kiss, in Emily's car, just after swim practice. Paige feels the terror in her bones as she forcefully places her lips on Emily's, accepting to herself that she's gay and she loves this girl.
Back in the present, there is no frightening realization, just the smell of peaches and chlorine. Paige, knowing Emily deserves better, kisses her so differently from the kiss she just remembered. Softly and slowly, unsure but full of want, sincerity warming cold skin, a reassuring calm sweeping over rambling worries. Like a first kiss, a perfect first kiss.
"Then a shark it is." Paige slowly breaks into a grin when the kiss ends.
"Told you mermaids always get what they want."
"You're not going to lead me to your underwater kingdom to drown me, are you? Not after that wonderful second first kiss?" Paige asks, teasing.
Emily, hearing the word "drown", tries to hide her discomfort. "I don't care what first kiss we have. I'm not going to lose you again, Paige McCullers." Emily kisses Paige on the cheek as the girl dips her head to hide her blush.
"Now how about actually getting some laps in?" Emily says as she dives underwater, certain her girlfriend is close behind.
