Chapter 28 – Not Prepared

"Even if you know what's coming, you're never prepared for how it feels."

I learned this the hard way with my father's death. I knew it was coming, the doctors prepared us endlessly that he was going to pass and to prepare yourself. Prepare yourself. The phrase was a common one said but the term could not be understood because there is no way to prepare yourself for the unexpected. I was not shocked when my father died. I knew it was coming; I was prepared for that one aspect of the whole situation.

Everything after? I had no idea. I was not prepared even though I read everything, I did everything, and I was ready. I was ready when he flat lined on the bed in front of me. I was ready for the moment they told me that he had passed. I was ready.

Then came the overflowing emotion the next day. They didn't prepare you for the amount of loss that is suddenly around you in an instant. The amount of sobbing that you'd do when the realization came that he was never coming back. You'd never get another hug. He'd never walk me down the aisle while I wore a white dress. He'd never get to hold his grandson whom he adored already. They could have prepared me, and told me over and over again what it would have felt like but you don't know until it happens.

You can't pretend that kind of pain. You can't pretend to understand the emotions of what is going to happen until it happens. Somebody telling you how it feels can't prepare the feeling of being completely head over heels in love. The feeling of finding out your child has cancer can't be prepared for your heart. There is a striking blow of defeat when you realize that they are going to go through hell and you can't do shit about it. They can try their damn hardest to prepare you but it will not happen.

It never will.


Monday, March 30th, 2015

I slowly stirred the pot in front of me, my mind completely drifted off onto its own planet as I could only think about the coming days in front of me.

"Prepare for 3-8 weeks in the hospital."

"He'll be in isolation"

"He is going to get sick."

"Try to prepare him as best you can."

It was endless of what we covered in our doctor's appointment with a social worker that was trying to help Collin understand what he was going to have to go through. Spending a week at the hospital was awful for him but three to eight weeks? It made my stomach drop to my knees in the thought. Collin still didn't understand what they were trying to tell him exactly. He kept giving me those questioning looks that made my stomach feel like a rock because he didn't know.

He had no idea what was coming his way and it was killing me. It killed me even more because he was finally happy again and acting like a typical three-year old. He was eating actual food again, which, I have been told will probably stop again between the amount of chemo he will receive and stem cell transplants kill taste buds.

Fucking fantastic.

His hair was growing back, his smile was big, and he was enjoying his time at the daycare with his best friends. It made my stomach nauseated just thinking about him losing every single thing he loved right now.

"Earth to Brie," my head snapped up and my hand fell into the boiling water, my eyes stared at it for the longest time as if my hand was completely disconnected from my body, my hand seized with pain a moment later and then I felt Troy pull my arm back in rapid motion. "Gabi," his voice sounded like a father to a young child, I did something bad.

I finally looked up at him as he was just getting home from work and I was trying to surprise him with his favorite meal for our five-month anniversary. I took a look at his dark blue dress pants and a white Denver Children's polo. His hair was swept up in the front and those blue eyes looked at me with complete concern. Tears pooled in my eyes as my hand started to throb and my heart hurt from failing at something else in my life.

Troy had my hand under ice-cold water and I just let him as he carefully removed my mother's ring and a bracelet from around my wrist. His hands were soft with mine; he then planted his lips against my forehead. "I'm sorry I scared you," his voice was so relaxed and I didn't say anything to him. My head leaned back against his shoulder as he kept my hand under the cool water.

Troy slid his hand around to my belly and he blew on my ear, "You okay?" he asked me quietly, I shrugged my shoulders and I could feel his body tense from behind me. "Gabi," he said softly, "What is going on in that mind," the tears brimmed my eyelids again as if I dared myself to cry. "I'm not ready for Wednesday," I whispered, the first words that I said aloud to him.

"Oh baby," he whispered as he shut the water off, he wrapped my hand in a towel as he easily lifted me onto the counter. He slid me back like I was Collin, his actions telling me he was scared that I was a flight risk.

"I'll be right back," he made me look at him in his eyes, those blue eyes checking every corner of my brown to make sure that I wasn't going to disappear into thin air. He took off and I wondered where he actually went until he was back and wrapping my hand up. "You have every single right to be scared Gabs," I lifted my head to look at him and his face was pained at what he was looking at. "You don't have to hide it." I nodded numbly and once Troy was messing with my hand, he put both of his hands on my knees. "Do you want to tell me more about why you are scared?" my eyes lifted to his and we both stared at each other for several minutes until I shook my head no.

My head lowered to his shoulder and his strong arms wrapped around me, "I just want this," Troy exhaled, "I can do this." He responded as he kissed my temple softly, my nose pressed into his neck and I smelled the sterilness of the hospital mixed with his cologne. I finally let go and Troy leaned in for a kiss, I tilted my head back as our lips pressed together. His hand grabbed my knee gently and I leaned in to him to encourage the kiss. "Talk to me," he whispered pulling away, I looked at him desperate for the kiss to continue.

"No, I just want to be with you." Troy shook his head, "You like to have sex when you are really upset by something Brie, what is wrong, and I know you are scared but what else?"

His strong hands held me firmly to the counter and his blue eyes were an even bigger weight to my body, pressing me to the counter as he willed the information from my head. "What if this doesn't work?" I whispered, "and we put him through this horrible process for nothing?"

Troy didn't say anything, presumably because he knew I wasn't done yet. "He is the healthiest I have seen him since he was diagnosed, he is eating all of his food again, he plays all day with only one nap instead of four long naps. His hair is growing back on his little head and he giggles, laughs, and enjoys doing stuff."

Troy brought his hand up to my face to wipe the tears that were falling, "and I don't want any of that to change. I just want my Co to stay the same, what is going to happen when I trap him in a hospital room for weeks? He hates going for one week let alone six?"

My palms reached up to my eyes as I wiped the tears away that were stinging against my skin, "Brie, if I didn't think he needed this transplant, I wouldn't put him through this but he needs it. We are giving him the best chance to not have the cancer come back because if it does," Troy didn't say anything for a moment and I looked at him, "What happens if it does?" I questioned, my voice louder than it had been all afternoon.

Troy exhaled, his nostrils flaring in the process; "There is no cure if he relapses, it will be twice as aggressive and not good," my chest squeezed, "So we are maximizing his chances with the bone marrow transplant to improve his odds of never getting Neuroblastoma again."

I only nodded my head, "But I understand Gabs, I had these same thoughts with Baker. She was finally getting back to her normal self and we were going to make her ten times worse? It didn't even sound fair but you know how that story ends…I wish she would have gone through that."

I didn't say anything after that but Troy continued to rub my shoulders gently with his thumb. "I know when I had my transplant I was angry but I was a lot older than Collin though. My friends were outside playing and going to school everyday. Collin doesn't know anything but the cancer ward. He'll be angry when he can't leave and his friends can't come see him but it won't be that bad."

My head rested against him, my lips were dry and my tongue felt like sand paper against the roof of my mouth. "I try to come up with every positive thing about transplant and you're right. This is going to push him over the edge and towards the cancer-free world." I paused in thought and Troy squeezed my shoulder in reassurance. "I try to think that you and I will never actually be apart," Troy chuckled into my hair and I leaned back against him, "That doesn't hide any of my fears though. It doesn't help lessen them."

Troy sighed and he kissed my temple, "I wish I could ease those fears with words, I wish I could ease them with actions, but I can't. Those worries will stay there for a very long time because guess what Gabs you are his mom. You are worried about him. You have a right for an alarm to be ringing."

I smiled turning to face him, "When you put it like that, you make me sound sane." He gave a half smile as he reached up and brushed my hair away from my face, I reached up to touch my bun that had fallen out and Troy kissed my forehead. His lips lingering on my forehead, "You're an amazing woman, mother, and so strong." I felt tears fill my eyes and he stroked my face, then his lips were mashed with mine. Troy ran his hands up my thigh and I shuddered underneath if his touch, I pulled back and my eyes focused on the clock behind him. "I have to pick Collin up in an hour," Troy nodded pressing his lips back to mine and I didn't want to stop. I never wanted to stop kissing him. It was so intoxicating and he made everything inside of me fall apart. His hands drifted up my shirt and his cool hands lay against my warm skin.

"So fucking beautiful." He whispered as he picked me up and carried me down to the bedroom.


My head rested on his chest while we watched the ceiling fan turn in multiple circles in the air. His hand ran down my back and I laughed, "What's funny?" he asked me, this was my favorite time after sex.

The quiet time, "I was thinking about how I was trying to make you one of your favorite meals for our five months together and our last dinner before the transplant." I lifted my body up onto my elbows to face him. Troy gave me a lazy smile, "I appreciate it but I think I enjoyed this more," he said as he reached over to tickle my side. I laughed curling into a ball and Troy smiled, "I love your laugh more than anything in this world." He told me with a quiet smile.

I played with the sheet that was wrapped around me, "Once a week we are getting out of the hospital room together." Troy declared, "Just for a couple of hours and if all we do during those couple of hours is sleep then that is what we do." Troy was firm in his saying and I nodded, "Okay,"

"Plus, you will go insane if you stay up there too much. If you want, you can stay with him most nights but I would appreciate if you let me stay with him every so often so you can sleep in an actual bed." I nodded my head again and I pulled him into another kiss. His arms wrapped around me tightly and he groaned, "Please tell me that we will find time for this," he whispered to me and I only nodded my head because going too long without this would cause me to go crazy.

"What are we doing with Co man?" he asked, I sighed sitting up, "He wants to go get dinner and some ice cream."

"Fun night," he said rubbing my lower back, "Yea, Joe wants to come as well." Troy's hand stiffened on my back and he then removed it. "C'mon Troy," I said with a sigh, "You know how it is."

"I can't deny him the rights to see his child but I feel like he is confusing Collin."

"He is not." I said patting his chest gently; Troy scooped me up in his arms. "I'm in love with you," I laughed and kissed his temple, "I love you too." He kissed me softly and I ran my fingers through his hair. I broke our eye contact and rolled off the bed. I bent over for my shorts and t-shirt.

Troy moved across the bed and pulled me back against him and I laughed while he dragged me back into the bed. "No, you are staying in this bed." I laughed shaking my head again while he kissed me again.

"Troy, I have to go get Collin." He shook his head and I nodded my own head, Troy pulled my lips between his and I began to lose my power to tell him that I needed to go get Collin. The kiss was drawn out and passionate but also held the need for more before I got out of this bed and everything changed. My core tightened and he kissed me a little bit harder.

His lips left a trail down my neck; his hand reached down and went between the band of my shorts. I gasped but Troy consumed the gasp as his lips pressed back against mine. His finger slipped inside of me and he moaned, his lips pulled away but I wrapped my arms around his neck to stop him from going anywhere.

"Gabs," he growled and I felt his finger pull back and then my shorts were only pulled to my knees.

He pulled up breaking my arms and quickly slid into me, "You took birth control," he whispered as he leaned in close, I nodded my head as he groaned as I grabbed him for another kiss. I fucking loved this man.


Tuesday, March 31st, 2015

Collin played with his toy cars at the kitchen table while Joe sat with him; Collin gave him a tentative smile while he raced his car against the table. This morning, I woke up with Collin squished between Troy and I.

My eyes could only focus on his hair that was growing back in little patches, or his eyelashes that were thick again. Then I would watch his chest rise and fall with each little breath that he took. Troy woke up to find me in tears in the middle of the night because my emotions were not ready for the toll that this was going to take on the both of us.

Troy could see my broken heart as he moved to the other side and pulled me close to him. Troy was now off at work for the morning before we were admitted into the hospital later tonight. Troy was only working until a little after noon when he would return and help me finish getting everything together. Joe turned up towards me with a smile, "How are you?" he asked me while I moved into the kitchen. "I'm nervous," I told him, Joe looked down at his hands and he nodded, "Yea, I guess I understand that. I mean," he sighed with frustration, "Can I just ask you a question?" I turned towards Joe and I nodded my head. "How was he as a baby?" he questioned looking up at me with a sincere look. "Perfect." I told him honestly, "He only woke up once a night even from the beginning to eat, he nursed so smoothly, and he was a joy."

Joe gave a soft smile, "I'm sad I missed that time with him. That was my favorite time with my girls and I wish I got to live that with him."

My eyes glanced at my fingernails and I nodded biting on my lip, "I'm sorry Joe," I heard him push his chair back and then his arms wrapped around me. I stiffened underneath his touch. "I forgive you Gabi, the more I think about it, and the more I seem to understand where your head was at the moment."

I pulled away and my eyes went to Collin while I watched him play at the table quietly. "I just wish I could wrap him up tightly and let nothing happen to him." Collin looked up at me and he gave me one of his big goofy smiles, "I love you buddy," I called, Collin giggled and continued to color on his sheet.

"That boy is my life and I don't know what is going to happen if something happens to him." I said as my heart felt a little heavier, Joe didn't say anything because he didn't have any answers. He wanted to get to know his child and I just wanted to keep him forever.


Troy's POV

"Stop breathing down my neck," Kyle muttered as I watched him write the protocol down and Collin's stem cell transplant specialist nodded as they worked together. Kyle cleared his throat again and I groaned backing away from the chair as he rammed it into my hips.

"Troy, I need you to sign this," Bridget came over and I nodded as I reviewed what I was signing, I then sprawled my signature across the page. I handed it back to Bridget and she gave me a smile, "How are you doing?" I rolled my eyes looking back down at Kyle.

"I'd be a lot better if I could see what they were doing."

"Give it time, they are making it right before you yell at them." I shot a glare at her and she laughed as she turned around. I turned to focus on the two of them again but Kyle slid back against.

"Dick," I muttered underneath my breath, he let out a laugh, "Troy," I looked up at Bridget but she looked nervous, something was off, "Bridget, what is it?" I asked standing up and taking a step towards her.

"A lady is here asking for you, she is the one that came a couple of months back asking for you and Kyle took care of it," I tried to rake my brain for what she was talking about, and then it clicked.

"Renee," Kyle and I said at the same time, my gut tightened and I looked over at Kyle as we shared a look with each other. "I'll be back. Don't mess that up." I said as I moved to the other side of the nurse's station. Bridget leaned in, "Who is Renee?" I didn't say anything as Renee came into sights. A bright smile came over her face, "Troy! You're working today!" I went around and she pulled me into a tight hug. "How are you Renee?" I asked as I gave her an extra squeeze, "I am doing pretty good, you never called me again so I figured I would come check on you," she patted my chest and I smiled at her. She was wearing a black t-shirt and a colorful scarf wrapped around her neck. A pair of nice jeans paired with a pair of Nike tennis shoes. "I am doing okay, do you want to come back to my office?" I asked her, she nodded her head as I led her towards my office door.

We both walked through and I shut the door behind us, away from the curious glances of Bridget. "Is this them?" I turned around and she was holding a picture of Gabi, Collin, and I that was settled on my desk.

Her eyes were surveying every single aspect of the picture; I could see her chest body go stiff from the thoughts that went through, "Yea," I said with a sigh, "That is Gabi and Collin." She gave me a forced smile, "They are both beautiful." I nodded with a small smile myself, "They are amazing." She looked up at me, this time she was checking to truly see how I was doing.

"How is your mom?" I asked, Renee laughed, "She is a fighter I say!" I nodded as I slid back against my desk and she looked at the picture again that was still gripped in her hands.

"How is he?" I bit down on my lip and shrugged, "He is doing well, he has no evidence of disease currently," I said and Renee gave me a huge smile that was authentic to Renee. "That is amazing Troy," I laughed rubbing the back of my neck, "He comes in tonight to prepare for his stem cell transplant," she didn't look up at me because I had the same reaction.

"Yea, I know, we did his scans a last week and they were still clean," I told her and she looked up with her eyes brimmed with tears. "Since I have been back in Colorado, the memories of Callie have been stronger and has been causing more emotions from me," she laughed wiping underneath her eyes, "My mom still has a picture of Baker up in her house and it caught me off guard,"

"Gabi just found a whole box of Bakers pictures and seeing her smile again, it was a kick to the gut." Renee glanced up at me, "How did she take the noise to your past?" I laughed, "Not well actually, but I told her on an awful day."

"How so?"

"It was Collin's surgery day," Renee laughed, "Troy Bolton, I know your mother raised you better than that." I smirked with a nod, "She did. I should have told her a hell of a lot sooner but I just never wanted too." I moved around to the back of my desk and I pulled out the two scans that I kept in my desk at all times.

I slid them onto my light board and I flickered on the light. Renee stood next to me as she surveyed them closely, "Are these the same?" she asked, I laughed and pointed to the only difference between the two.

"Collin had a tumor on his shoulder begin to grow," I said pointing to it, "It was vague at this point, it grew a bit bigger after his scan but…" Renee turned towards me, "Wait, what do you mean?"

"This is Baker's first scan and this is Collin's first scan." Renee went up to touch the scan of Baker, "Wow," she mumbled, "They are identical,"

"I almost vomited when I looked at Collin's scan. I literally thought somebody has snuck into my office and stole Baker's scan as a cruel joke to play on me but only two people know about Baker."

"That is freaky," I nodded my head and I looked at her with a sigh, "I tried to get anybody to take this case but it was my turn in the rotation to get the new case and then I met his mom and I felt like Callie was telling me something,"

"She probably was, she would hate to know that you are alone." I nodded as I took down the scans, I shut the light off and I looked over at Renee. "Gabi is freaking out about the transplant and I wish I knew how to comfort her."

"You'll do just fine," Renee reassured, my eyes flickered up to the clock and I felt like I could vomit. "Do you love her like you loved Callie?" I opened my mouth to respond but I closed it because I didn't want to upset her.

"No, Troy, tell me, my daughter killed herself, you have the right to move on and love again," my eyes flickered up to her at the complete blunt statement she laid on the table in front of me. "I love her more than I ever loved Callie," I blurted and her eyes looked into mine with a tiny smile, "That makes me happy to know that this girl is doing everything to make you happy."

I pressed my palms into eyes as I sucked in a breath, "That is why this is so hard because seeing her in pain makes my heart rip out of my chest. I can't breathe." I paused thinking of her face, "I mean the past couple of days I could see it in her eyes when she watches Collin play, and then yesterday I came home from work and she was cooking. I scared her and she burned her hand."

"It kills me to know that she is hurting because she can't help him and I can't help her." Renee reached over and squeezed my shoulder with her hand. "I know what you are feeling Troy," I closed my eyes, "I went through the same thing with Callie. She didn't say anything to you because you were busy with school and Baker, but she was freaking out."

I paused thinking back to the time, it was busy and Callie didn't act like this. "She was even more heartbroken after that but you got to take the brunt of that." I nodded rubbing my jaw and I sighed, "I would ask to meet her but she is under a lot of stress."

"I'll have to prepare her for that. She is a planner and needs time to let that sink in." Renee laughed, "Callie was never a planner," I smiled and shook my head, "No, but Gabs is a lawyer and has a game plan for everything."

Renee gave me a smile, "I respect that." My hand reached to rub the back of my neck and I watched Renee for several seconds as she contemplated what she was going to say next. "How is Collin's outlook?"

I shrugged, "If the Stem Cell Transplant goes well, I think he will live a long life." I told her with a smile, "But we'll take it a day at a time."

Renee sighed, "I'll be thinking about you and next time call me," I smiled lifting a post-it note off my laptop. I turned it to face her and she laughed as I had her note from earlier still posted.

"I kept looking at it everyday and kept meaning to call you." I paused while I smiled again, "I just come to work and get things done so I can go home to be with them." Renee let a small smile lift to her face, the back corner of her eyes turning sad as she looked up at me, "I can truly see how much you love them Troy, and I am so happy for you."

I went over and gave her a tight hug, "Thank you Renee,"

She patted my back and I kissed her temple, "Now hurry up so you can go spend time with those beautiful people," I laughed as I escorted her out of the office. Renee always made my chest feel lighter and she gave me a good smile. She made me remember that we have come so far in this battle against life. I couldn't wait for Gabi to meet her one-day.


Gabi's POV

"Mommy, where are we going?" Collin surveyed the bags packed on the kitchen table, my stomach twisted from the question and I bent down to his level. "Sweetie, we are going to be staying in the hospital for a while."

Collin scrunched his face up, "Why?" I bit on my lip as I sat down on the floor, I pulled Collin down with me and he gave me a nervous glance. "Well, you are going to have a thing called a stem cell transplant." I told him softly, fear swept across his face and I shook my head.

"It isn't going to require surgery, it is just like getting your water through the IV bags. It won't hurt." I soothed but he looked at me alarmed, "You do have to go through more yucky medicine that will make you feel very yucky."

His bottom lip trembled, "No, I don't want anymore yucky medicine," he started to cry while I tried to pull him into my lap. He cried harder though and fought against me. "Collin," I soothed, I heard the door downstairs close, and then quick steps followed. I let Collin go and he went running towards the stairs where he ran into Troy. Troy picked him up while Collin let his headrest in the corner of his neck. "What's wrong buddy?" Troy watched me carefully as I stood up, I turned my back to them as my jaw tightened and the tears started to develop in my eyes. I felt my shoulders shake, "No more yucky medicine,"

"Oh, Co," Troy started and I turned to exit the room, I couldn't be here right now. I couldn't cry in front of Collin. He was already scared enough. "Gabs," Troy said as I began to walk by, I shook my head but he grabbed my arm instead. I looked up at him and I knew this broke Troy's heart more than anything was to see me upset. Collin grabbed his polo though and kept repeating no more yucky medicine over and over again.

Troy pulled me closer to him though, his hand pulling my head to his chest. "I don't like all my favorite people sad," Troy said quietly between the two of us. Collin hiccupped with tears as I kept my head turned away from him.

"Co, you are making momma sad because you're sad." Collin's hand settled on my back and Troy kissed the top of my head. "Let's talk about this friends," Troy let go of me and I backed away, Collin glanced at me and then reached over for me. He wrapped his arms around me, I breathed in his scent of baby lotion as I kissed on him.

"I love you momma,"

"I love you too sweet boy," more tears leaked from my eyes and Troy gave me a concerned look while we all sat down together on the couch. "Co, you are going to have more yucky medicine but this is the last time." Troy told him with a smile, "then you'll be all done."

Collin gave him a skeptical look that he was telling any sort of the truth. Troy nodded his head, "But this is a special kind of yucky medicine that makes you have to stay in the hospital for a long time,"

He shook his head and I felt my chest grow tight again, I stood up from the couch and Troy let me walk away this time. Going up to our bedroom I let my sobs fall from my chest as my fingers gripped the dresser. I heard the door close and I looked up at Troy. "Come here," he said as he walked closer to me, "I'm fine," I stressed tying to wipe all the tears away. Troy didn't say anything; he only wrapped his arms around me while I buried my face into his chest.

"Sure you are," he whispered, "I just don't like seeing him all worked up over everything," Troy stroked the back of my hair and sighed, "I understand. It is for the better though, you have to remember that."

"You tell him that," Troy let go and he leaned in for a kiss, I pressed my mouth against his and he let his thumb run down my face. I am not able to express my love for him as I pressed my lips to his, his thumb continuously wiping away all of the tears falling down my face. "Mommy," my lips backed away from Troy's as Collin's arms slipped around my legs.

"I love you mommy," I picked him up easily and he buried his face into my shoulder, "I love you too Co, I'm sorry," I whispered to him, my fingers brushing across the back of his fuzzy head.

Troy pulled us both to the bed, "Co," Troy started, "Your mommy doesn't want you to have anymore yucky medicine either. It is going to make you 100% better though and you'll never have to have yucky medicine again."

"Ever?" he asked, Troy hesitated because he knew that making that big of a promise with something as evil as cancer could always go wrong. "Not for a long time," Troy reassured and Collin mostly accepted the answer with a sideways glance towards me. I gave him a nod of my head that Troy was indeed correct and he gave a tiny smile, "We're going to do everything to make you feel okay but you might feel crummy,"

"Can mommy stay with me?" Collin asked looking at Troy, Troy laughed and nodded, "Yes, mommy will stay with you." Collin blinked and asked his next question, "Will you stay with me?" Troy smiled, "As much as I possibly can. I still have to work but I'll be there as much as I can."

"Will you play games with me?"

"Always," Troy said with a smile, "We can even set up a game station of your choosing in your room. Unlimited video games and unlimited board games of your choosing." Collin giggled and Troy hugged him, "That sound okay to you momma?" Troy asked glancing up towards me, I nodded as tears rimmed my eyes again. "Co, give your momma another hug." Troy whispered to him, Collin smiled turning around and launching his arms around me. I gave him a tight squeeze when Troy launched his fingers onto my side. I started laughing loudly as Collin joined in with Troy.

I twisted away from them and they both attacked me, as my laughter grew louder. I tried to crawl off the bed but I rolled off the bed instead. Troy and Collin high-fived from the top while I tried to catch my breath on the bottom. Troy looked down at me and he winked, "We're all gonna be okay," I stared at his blue eyes as I swallowed against the lump in my throat. My heart rate began to slow down and I nodded my head, "We're gonna be okay," I repeated.


My eyes stared at the room in front of me. Room 605. The room was much different from the other rooms as it had sliding doors, a sink right when you walk into the room and masks above it for any visitors. Troy was helping Collin set up a game system that he chose to bring with him into his room that would remain his for the entire treatment. We were on the same floor, but a different area of Troy's floor. We were secluded together and away from all the sick patients.

We were sealed behind doors and when we walked in the nurses checked us over to allow us through. It made me feel a lot better and I knew Collin was going to be in good hands. "How are you holding up?" Dr. Andy approached; he was Collin's transplant coordinator. He was prescribing and overseeing the whole process with Troy breathing down his neck. "I'm ready to get started," I responded honestly. "Good, tomorrow we start his radiation treatment."

"Yes, the full body radiation treatment."

"Just a precaution that we are killing all of the bad cells in his body." I swallowed and nodded not prepared for the coming weeks in front of me. My heart beat rapidly inside my chest as Collin laughed with Troy, the dusk falling outside the hospital window when Dr. Andy sighed, "He loves him." I didn't know which one he was referring too because I could see the amount of love that Troy had for Collin but I could see the amount of love that Collin had for Troy.

"I'd be lying if I told you that this just started but they have had this connection since the beginning."

Dr. Andy smiled, "You know, Troy is very good with the kids and can relate to them well. He loves to play and be there for him but nothing like Collin." I nodded as two of Collin's favorite nurses swept into the room. Collin screeched with laughter as he bounced up to hug Jace and Annie. Troy smiled looking over at him greeting his nurses from the other side. We would be exposed to all new nurses but Troy reassured us that they were all wonderful.

Troy was in a pair of black sweatpants and a t-shirt that had Denver Children's written on the back. His arms flexed as Collin reached over for him, I knew he was getting sleepy but all rules were thrown out the window. If he wanted to stay up till eleven, so be it, he was going to go through hell the next several days. I didn't have the heart to tell him no. Dr. Andy approached the room while I slowly followed. Troy's eyes lifted over and the thick black lashes fluttered. He then looked over Dr. Andy's shoulder and right at me.

Dr. Andy greeted the two nurses while Troy smiled, he reached his hand out and he pulled me in to kiss the top of my head. "How ya doin?" he asked me quietly, I smiled, "I'm okay, I am just nervous for tomorrow. I don't know what to be prepared for."

'They have told you," Troy said softly, a teasing tone to his voice, "Yea, just like they told me my dad was going to die. I knew it was going to happen, I knew what I might feel, but I didn't know what it was until it happened. I didn't know how it was going to feel but I was prepared."

Troy nodded kissing the top of my head while I looked around the room that would be our home for the next several weeks. The windows were bright but you could make it much darker by dragging the shade for those days that lights were not needed. The poles that were sitting next to Collin's bed and I rubbed my arms up and down. Looking over the scene scared me even more than the thought because it was real. It was going to happen tomorrow.

My stomach clenched with fear again, then I thought about how brave Collin was being. The smile still on his face as he messed with Annie and Jace, they played with him on the bed as Troy talked with Dr. Andy. Collin giggled with Annie as they poked fun at Jace about something, Troy reached up to rub his arm carefully. His eyes flickered in my direction because I didn't know what to expect. I was prepared but I wasn't.

I knew what was going to happen, but I didn't.

I knew the steps, but I was scared.

I knew the love and support were there, but what if it disappeared?

I didn't know what to expect next, I didn't know what I was going to feel, and I didn't know anything.

Maybe I wasn't prepared after all.


My oh my. I could apologize profusely, and I am. I am so sorry, I truly am, but this doesn't change how busy I am. You could go several more weeks without an update and I am sorry about that. I am trying my hardest to get you what you want. I am writing when I can and as much as I can. These next six weeks of my life are going t Y.

I graduate high school in six weeks (about damn time) and for those that have graduated high school and prepared for college…it is a damn crazy time. There will be chapters. There will be more. I promise. Just be patient.

I also wasn't going to bed until I finished this chapter. So I literally just finished this. 20 minutes ago.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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