Chapter 28
"Good evening," Rick murmured. Kate blinked, then snuggled into Rick's embrace.
"Hello," she said sleepily. She hadn't even known she could feel sleepy.
"I love waking up beside you," he said into her ear, breathing in the smell of her hair.
"I'm glad you do," she said. "So. What do you want to do tonight?"
"You sound like you haven't decided whether you're mad at me."
Kate looked up and winked at him. "Depends on your plans."
"Well," Rick said, rolling over gently so she was underneath him. "I don't know about later but right now…"
Kate wrapped her legs round his waist, keeping an expression of nonchalance on her face.
"I guess that would be okay," she said, smiling, her hand trailing down his chest and stomach.
Rick felt everything, it was all so exciting. In the shower with her he could actually smell the water, the freshness of it, and he felt every droplet, every individual splash onto his skin.
Kate was lost in thought as he slowly washed her back with soap. She didn't know how to feel. She wanted to be angry with him, he had obviously planned this, he was such an asshole… But she had to admit that she loved having him like this, she loved having him like her. Still-
"I gotta go," she told him, shooting out of the shower and drying herself in seconds. He stood there, stunned, still holding the soap. She was gone before he reached the bathroom door.
Kate ran home, her hair still wet and flapping against her face, the clothes she'd thrown on barely covering her decently. She reached her apartment and shut herself inside, sliding down the door, curling up, holding her head in her hands. She wished she had someone, anyone, a friend, someone who knew her, someone she could talk to… She felt so alone, so lost. She didn't know what she should do. In a way he'd made all the decisions for her, but… The last time someone had made a decision like that for her had been to subject her to nine years of pain and torture, nine years of suffering, nine years without control. Finally she was free, yet here was another man who had just taken away all her control, and she was letting him continue to do it.
She knew it was different, but they said rape victims were a particular type of person. A weak type of person, a person who was always a target. Kate was not a target. She would not be a target. She would not be a victim, and she would not lose control…
But he made her feel so-
No. No. No. She screamed it into the little room but it made no difference. She couldn't stop what she was feeling, she couldn't stop feeling him either. And what she felt from him was, if she wasn't mistaken, if she could even recognise it… What she felt from him was love.
"What are you so scared of, Katie?"
Her mother's voice hit her before she even realised what was happening. Her heart pulled in her chest, she gripped her thighs with her fingers, her nails digging right into her skin.
"Mom?" she whispered. There was no reply. Until…
"Falling in love doesn't make you weak."
Kate gritted her teeth. It wasn't real. She would not get upset. Blood trickled down her hands and legs… She let go, looking at the dark red liquid coming out of her body. Her skin healed as she watched, smooth and unblemished within a minute. Suddenly angry, she darted to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, stabbing it into her own abdomen. It hurt, it hurt A LOT. But even as the wound bled it began to heal. She dropped the knife and gripped the counter-
Someone was banging on her door.
"Go away, Castle!" she yelled.
He kicked the door open and ran to her.
"You're hurt," he said, seeing the blood.
"I'll heal."
It took him a moment to put everything together, the knife, the blood on her hands, the lack of any attacker…
"Why..?" he asked, hurt, confused.
"I…" but she had no answer. He lifted her up without a word, hugging her close and carrying her into the bathroom. He lowered her into the tub, turning on the shower above it and unhooking it, beginning to wash her.
"I can wash myself, Castle," she said, but she didn't resist as he carefully rinsed away the blood.
"Let me take care of you," he said softly.
"I don't need to be taken care of," she protested weakly, but still she let him.
Rick left her sitting on the bathroom floor, tied up in a fluffy white bathrobe. He heated up two cups of blood in the microwave and took them back to the bathroom. There was too much blood in the rest of the apartment, too much of her blood…
Kate sipped her drink, feeling it warm her a little.
"Why?" Rick asked again, but she seemed to be too weak to answer. She leaned on his shoulder, letting him caress her back. He kissed the top of her head.
"I'm sorry, Kate. I'm so sorry."
He wasn't crying but if he could have, he would have. He didn't know why it had hurt her so much but he'd gone behind her back, he'd forced her into something she clearly hadn't been ready for… He'd had no idea that he had the power to hurt her like this, to break her. He was terrified she would never forgive him, even though she'd told him she would.
"I can… I can feel how scared you are," Kate whispered.
"Right back at you," he whispered back.
"But I'm not scared… I mean, of you, I'm not… I don't know, I…"
"It's hard for you to trust me. And I let you down."
"No you didn't."
"I know I did. I… I didn't realise it would hurt you so much. And I'm so, so sorry. If I could take it back I would."
"No. Don't say that. I… I like that you're strong. And I would have done it eventually and I love that you're like me I just… It's hard when I'm not in control."
"What happened to you?"
Kate sighed, so safe in his arms, so relaxed now…
"Becoming the way I am, for me, and the nine years that followed that… He hurt me. He turned me against my will, he…"
"What, Kate?" Rick was almost too scared to ask.
"He… he forced himself on me. He forced me to be part of… to be part of so many horrible things. He forced me to kill people, to kill and fuck… He turned me into something I can barely live with. What I did, with him, what we did, makes me want to… Makes me…" she dissolved into dry, choking sobs. Rick held her tightly, but his face was stone cold.
"What's his name?"
"William Bracken… but wait, Castle you can't be thinking about-"
Rick was already up and out of the room, running at full speed. Kate grabbed some clothes and ran after him, barefoot, following his scent. She caught him as he reached the public library.
"You can't stop me," he said.
"Yes. I can. I can command you and-"
He shook his head. "No. You can't. Don't do it, Kate, don't stop me. Let me kill him, please, let me kill him."
He let out a snarl which could only be described as truly vampiric. It even made Kate shudder, but it wasn't just a shudder of fear. She looked at the floor, bracing her hands on his shoulders.
"You… Can't…" she said, but he could tell she wasn't sure. She wasn't commanding him. Kate searched inside herself, searched for the strength she knew she had. The control. She wanted Bracken dead, she wanted him deader than dead, but if she let Rick do this, he would fail, for one thing, but even if he didn't, someone else would still be in control.
"No."
It was an order. Rick felt himself deflate as he struggled against her edict.
"I forbid you to go looking for him. If he finds us, we'll have no choice but to fight him. But until then, he's leaving us alone. We can't stoop to his level. Killing is something monsters do. And I'll be damned if I let you be a monster, Castle."
She reached out and took his hand. He squeezed her fingers, but still looked crushed.
"I… you're still hurt by him. I don't know what to do."
"Nothing. Just stay with me, stay with me and make me feel safe."
"But you don't feel safe. You feel scared, you feel so hurt, even when… I can feel what you feel, Kate. I had no idea… I had no idea how much hurt was so inside you."
"I'm… I'm okay, Rick." Kate didn't really know how to answer.
"You're always so strong for me, so brave, but… I don't want to do anything with you that causes you pain. I don't want you to do things with me because you feel as if you should. I… I can tell and you don't, you don't feel safe with me-"
Kate put her finger to his lips.
"I'm angry with you." She smiled. "You're a stupid, arrogant asshole and I'm angry with you. I'm scared, too, scared about the future and about… about trusting someone. But that doesn't mean I'm scared of you. And it certainly doesn't mean that I don't want to be with you."
Rick held her close, but he wasn't convinced.
"Anyway," Kate joked, "they say it's just like riding a bike."
He pushed her away, holding her at arm's length.
"So you don't like it."
"Hey, I didn't say that. I… I do like it, Rick. You know I do, you're there." She chuckled, but the worried look in his eyes didn't go away.
"Just because you… Kate, you can't let me-"
"I want it."
"But you don't enjoy it."
"Of course I enjoy it. I enjoy it more than I've enjoyed anything for years. I shouldn't have said anything, I…"
"I knew there was something, but you seem so strong, so sure of yourself, I had no idea… Kate, you can't let me take advantage of you. Any more. I can't believe I did that, I can't-"
"Rick. You didn't know! So stop going all girly on me and take me home. Please?"
"Do you actually want to come home with me or are you just saying that to make me feel better?"
Kate rolled her eyes. "Rick. Feel it. You can feel me."
"You're scared."
"Yes. And?"
"You're… oh… but-"
"I told you."
He smiled, his eyes getting back a bit of their usual twinkle.
"So, Mr Castle, will you please take me home and take care of me?" she asked, batting her eyelashes. He put his arm around her, then swung her up off the ground, beginning to run.
"Show off," she muttered. He laughed.
"Will we ever not be scared?" Rick asked. Kate sighed.
"I guess… Everybody has things they're scared of. Everybody has demons, ghosts from their past. I don't think there's a person out there with nothing to be scared of. So in a way, no, we'll always be scared. But we can be a lot of other things, too. And… I've got your back, Castle. I'm still kind of mad, I still think you're an idiot, but I'll always have your back."
"And I'll always have yours."
"I know. I've known that since I met you. You'd never hurt me," she said, her head suddenly clearer. "I… I trust you, Castle."
He held her tight. "I won't let you down. I promise. I'll always keep you safe."
The dark night sky swelled above the city, grey clouds covering the stars, floating above the bright lights, the sounds of traffic and shouting, music, lovemaking… death. William smiled, blood on his lips, before leaning in to take the final drink.
"Please…" the dark haired girl begged. He just laughed, then listened to her take her last, dragging breath, listened to her heart stop beating. Victoria appeared from around the corner, holding another girl by the neck. A very live girl, a beautiful girl, young, with stunning red hair…
