Thank you so much for your reaction to the last chapter. I am in awe of you guys.

We're nearing the end now.

I own nothing and Donna is awesome.


Hindsight is a funny thing and looking back now, I would have to admit that for the majority of my painfully long existence I was utterly and helplessly miserable.

They changed all that, of course, but before Bella – no, it's more like in between Bellas – I was unaware that my daily state was indeed one of complete and total misery.

During my ninety-five years spent killing with James and Victoria I was self aware enough to recognize the loneliness and guilt, but not the misery.

After Bella found me again, I thought I had a pretty good understanding of misery. This was a falsity and when Vanessa was taken I learned of new depths of pain and fear and rather an utter hopelessness that threatened to cripple me.

Also guilt. Given all I've willingly done throughout the course of my painfully long existence – murdering the hiker being the most recent in the very long list of sins – I thought I knew guilt but James took my daughter to punish me and then Bella got lost in her head and it seemed like the guilt would burn me from the inside out.

For a moment there it was so tempting, but Nessie needs my strength. Bella does too.

She is so strong, my miracle mate, and look at her now. Look at what I let happen.

The moment she stepped through the front door of the Denali's Alaskan home I knew everything would be different. Maybe it was even earlier, when I first caught a whiff of her hauntingly familiar and gloriously appealing scent as she approached the cabin. Hell, when Tanya first announced that their sister coven would be joining us, including the vampire called Bella, something resonated deep within me, sounding approval for her name alone.

Tanya liked me and now that she is back in our unlives, exposing me to the sadness in her thoughts when she looks at me. I do feel a bit bad for leading her on. Before Bella showed up, I feigned interest in the strawberry blonde vampire, mostly to keep James off my back.

There was more to it, though. I wanted to feel something for Tanya. After 95 years alone with a mated pair, I was somewhat desperate to feel even a hint of a spark for anyone.

Anyone at all.

So I flirted with Tanya to the best of my limited ability and even considered staying with the strange golden-eyed bunch. Their lifestyle was so appealing even before I met Bella. The thought that I could somehow survive without experiencing the pain and fear and desperation through their minds as I drained my victims of their life force was enough to make me giddy.

Plus, Tanya is pretty enough. If I stayed maybe I'd grow to feeling something for her.

Anything at all.

There was no hope of feeling anything deeper than fondness, but surely that was enough when compared to my other option of an eternity spent alone. So I flirted and tried to ignore the salacious thoughts she bombarded me with.

But then Tanya said Bella's name, I caught a whiff of that scent, and Bella was in the doorway, blessedly silent and so beautiful it hurt the place where my soul once resided.

I approached her without really thinking about it. Even then my body seemed to remember her while my mind failed. I stood there, marveling at her silence and overcome with totally bizarre urges to reach out and just hold her to my chest for as long as she'd have me.

It was all horribly confusing and the way she was drinking me up with her eyes was totally baffling. I know what it means now, that look on her face. Bella explained it to me, before. When she still could. It's her love look. It means she loves me.

God, I would move mountains to see that look on her face just once more. Please, my love, just once more.

Anyway, I just stood there gaping at her for awhile when I saw her for the first time, successfully drowning out the thoughts of the others swirling around in my head, before saying the worst possible thing.

"What's wrong with you?"

Fuck, did I really ask her that? A far more appropriate inquiry would have been what is wrong with me?

The way her face fell when she realized I did not know her will haunt me until I'm nothing but dust in the wind.

Bella ran and everything seemed so wrong, but I was unable to determine why. My question was a little rude given we were strangers – or so I thought – but I was totally in awe of her, right from that very first moment.

Vanessa likes to call it love at first resight. In the months since Bella burned them all down, Nessie has asked me to tell this story of our remeeting countless times. Even though it hurts, I do as my daughter says. I always make sure to tell it when Bella is nearby, but she never gives any indication that she can hear me.

Please, baby, please, please hear me.

When Bella ran off - it was over a year ago now - I felt an inexplicable urge to go after her. What I would have said to her if I had chased her was a mystery, but then a sibling made a joke about Bella and Tanya's rivalry and it snapped me out of my daze.

Still, she was only gone a few hours but to me it felt like eons. My body ached to be near her. The feelings seemed so new yet so deeply ingrained in the very essence of my being. It was horrible, terrible, and completely wonderful all at once.

When she came back, I had to be near her. There was no other option.

Bella regarded me with such wariness and longing that I didn't understand, even as I echoed those feelings. I wanted to cradle her against my chest and kiss her temple and call her love. Not doing so proved to be the most difficult thing I'd ever done.

Really, I don't know how she did it. If our places were reversed, I seriously doubt that I would have been able to keep from babbling out our entire history.

I'm glad she found the strength to refrain.

Although I was furious when I found out what she kept from me those first few days, now I'm glad for her caution. When she first found me again, I was too much the vampire, my humanity buried too deep. The knowledge of a shared history, lost to my mind, would have overwhelmed the demon. I would have lashed out and hurt Bella even more than when I left her alone in Forks.

I'm not proud to have run away in such a manner. At the time my departure seemed as necessary as Bella's deception.

Bella says all that matters is that I came back to her.

Well, she once said that. Now she says nothing.

Nothing at all.


"I don't like this, Vanessa," I mutter, watching Jacob Black loading bags into the back of the large SUV with tinted windows.

"The trip?" asks my daughter, turning to face me and giving me a frown. "I thought you said it was a good idea?"

"It's a great idea," I assure her. Two days ago Nessie suggested we take her mother to the apartment in Chicago, back to the beginning.

"It helped you when you were lost in your head," Nessie agrees, shrugging. "So what don't you like? Oh!" she continues before I can get a chance to explain. "So you don't like that Jake's coming too, huh?"

Vanessa correctly interprets my previous statement but I say nothing as I continue to frown in Jacob Black's general direction.

"Dad," she says with a groan. I can't help but smile because she calls me this now. "We can't just leave him here. He's still traumatized by the whole kidnapping thing," Nessie says for about the tenth time since we started planning this road trip.

"Aren't we all?" I murmur.

Vanessa has been safe at home with us for two months, but nobody seems able to relax. For me, it is the current state of my wife. This weighs heavily on the minds of the others as well, along with worry about who will carry out the mission of the Volturi next. More than the actual kidnapping, my daughter remains traumatized by the battle to get her back. She feels responsible for all who burned and nothing I can say manages to dissuade her of this opinion.

I am unable to ease her guilt about Bella as well.

Despite a victory, Bella is a constant reminder of what this cost.

"Just be glad that Nahuel is staying here," my daughter says, grinning at me. I try not to growl at the mention of the hybrid who has been lurking around since Felix and Dmitri released him from his prison in Italy upon their return.

They became far too close for my liking.

"Hey, we're just about ready," calls Jake. "Let's get this show on the road."

"Go get Mom," Nessie instructs as she bounces down the steps towards the SUV. "I've got to pick the music."

I attempt to smile at Nessie's enthusiasm, but it proves to be a failed attempt. Nessie notices and gives me a sad little smile over her shoulder.

"It's going to work, Dad," she murmurs. "This will help. I know it."


Bella sits still as a statue in the living room, staring blankly out the window into the dense green forest. The sun streaming in through the window makes her flawless skin sparkle, but it is the only thing about her that glows. Gone is that spark of life, ever present in her amber gaze.

Bella spends most of her time now staring blankly into the trees. She loves these woods. They are hers. I take her walking daily, but the familiar trails do nothing to help my wife.

Nothing does.

"Hello, my love," I greet, attempting to sound as normal as possible. Carlisle says we should talk to her as we usually do. As I slowly approach to prevent from startling her, Bella turns her head to look at me of her own volition.

A month ago, Bella responding to the world around her seemed like progress. Now that emotionless mask that's transposed itself over the once vibrant features of my wife's face haunts my every waking moment.

And as a vampire I have a lot of waking moments.

"Jake has the car packed and Nessie is picking the music," I say, crouching down to kneel in front of her. I gently squeeze her kneecaps. She continues to watch me with emotionless eyes. "Are you ready to go?"

Every time she fails to respond something inside me shatters, but I stay strong for both Bella and our daughter. My girls need me.

Bella passively lets me pull her to her feet, lead her to the car, and situate her in the back seat of the SUV. She cocks her head to the side, watching as the family says their goodbyes. As I give a final wave and climb in beside my mate, Bella tracks my movements with her eyes.

Once, I thought this was progress.

I would fight for her, kill for her, die for her, but now I can do nothing but lead her through this strange new phase of unlife. Two months is nothing to a vampire, but seeing that blank look on her face makes each day feel unbearably long.

Carlisle thinks it's her shield. Although we are not sure of the details, it seems during the battle Bella actually pushed her shield from her mind, becoming the energy she typically uses to protect others. This, combined with the emergence of the demon, proved too much for Bella. Carlisle says the shield is continuing to do its job now that Bella is back within her own mind. It is protecting her as she heals, but terrifying the rest of us.

We don't know anything. If and when she'll be back. What and who she'll even be when she does emerge. Carlisle remains confident that in time Bella will come back to herself. I try to mimic his optimism.

I just want my mate back.

I pull Bella into my side. She comes willingly. After weeks of coaxing her head onto my shoulder, she finally does it on her own. As her body relaxes into mine, I let her closeness soothe me.

It doesn't work. Not really. Nothing does.

My every thought and action is focused on helping Bella, on getting back Bella, on ensuring the comfort of Bella.

When Bella closes her eyes and fakes sleep, I stare at her, my mind on an endless loop of "what ifs" and "if onlys."

What if Bella stays a prisoner in her own head? If only I'd been the one to take out Aro or coordinate the internal part of the revolt with Felix.

It's truly sickening and I do my best not to brood too terribly much about Bella and Ness, but it is extremely difficult. My mate is lost, a shell of an undead body without the demon or the humanity to make it like Bella.

Fuck, do I miss her.


When Bella collapsed, fire still crackling around the smoldering remains of friends and foes alike, I thought she was dead. Her thoughts terrified me before that, only the indistinct desires of the demon, but nothing compared to how I felt when she collapsed in my arms.

For long painful moments, I clutched her cold, lifeless, unmoving body, overcome by grief. I whimpered, convinced she'd never smile at me again, convinced I'd never hear her voice or feel her embrace. I was convinced our daughter would go through this world motherless.

It was the very worst moment of my unlife, holding her unmoving frame. It was so strange because Bella was indeed dead, just as she is now, just as she has been for a century. It is so very easy to forget that we've both been dead for almost a hundred years. In a panic for my wife and the confusion of the ending battle, I forgot that there is only one way to end a vampire's existence.

It took me a very long time to understand what Carlisle was trying to communicate. I had no idea how long he'd been there, crouched next to me, yelling.

"She's not ash, Edward," he screamed until I finally heard him. "She's not ash. This is her shield. Bella is in there somewhere. She's not ash."

This is a mantra that I still chant when fear chokes me.

I didn't really believe Carlisle's reassurances until Bella opened her blank, lifeless eyes a day and a half later.


"Wait, should I be exiting here?" asks Jacob Black, confused by the directions I read from the piece of paper Esme wrote out for me. "I thought we were staying at your apartment in the city?"

"We'll visit the city," I correct, watching Bella watch the forest. As we drive, things get a little more isolated and rural. "I know Bella seems uninterested and unbothered by humans, but it's best not to tempt her by staying close to so many meals."

Jacob shudders as he drives.

"Yeah, mom would kill us if we let her ruin her perfect track record," says Nessie from the front seat. I nod absently, still studying Bella's face for any hint or twitch or sign that whatever it is that made Bella, well, Bella. I look for anything that indicates that she still exists in this undead shell.

Her eyes follow the trees.

"Okay," says Jacob Black. "So where are we going?"

"You'll see!" sing songs my daughter, turning up the music to discourage further conversation.

Bella turns her head, looking at me for a moment as if she doesn't even recognize me, but then she lays her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. I play with her hair as her body relaxes into my side.

She's not ash. She's not ash. Bella is still in there somewhere.


"Holy shit," mutters Jacob as he gets out of the SUV.

With hands on his hips he stares at the tiny old farmhouse. Although there are nearby neighbors now, I know how isolated it was nearly a century ago when Bella lived here with our newborn daughter from her memories.

"How many old ass buildings do you Cullens own?" he asks Nessie as she joins him to stare at the building.

"Mom took me here once in the 60s," she replies, voice quiet.

I get Bella out of the car and we stand next to our daughter, joining the observation. Again, I look for any sign of recognition on Bella's face, but there is none.

"What is this place?" Jacob asks, picking up on the reverent mood. "Is it special?"

Nessie smiles up at him. "I was born here," she replies moving to hold Bella's hand. "We both were."

"Damn," says Jacob.

We all go back to standing in silence. I compare it to what I saw in Bella's memory. Esme has obviously done some minor restoration, but for the most part it remains the same.

If there were someway to give the memory back, to make Bella understand that she knows this place, I would do it in a second.

"We lived here for a couple of years, Mom," Nessie says. Bella is aware enough to realize that she is being addressed and she turns to our daughter as Nessie tugs on her hand. Although Bella's back is to me, I see an image of her blank face through Nessie's thoughts.

Seeing my beloved like this is extremely difficult.

Vanessa blames herself. She is doing it now. For the first month with her home I would attempt to relieve her guilt, but there is no talking her out of it. My near constant response to her thoughts ended abruptly when she yelled at me, demanding I stay out of her head and just let her "feel how she feels."

Even now it is incredibly difficult to keep my mouth shut to try to argue away Nessie's guilt and sadness, but there is nothing left to say. There is only one thing that will make any of us feel any better. All we can do is wait and hope.

"Carlisle brought you here after he bit you," Vanessa continues to explain.

Bella turns her face back to studying the house with slightly narrowed eyes. It is the first change in the two months since her traumatizing experience and we all notice.

Nessie let's out a shocked little squeak but other than that it is as still as it is silent. The minds of both Nessie and Jacob are screaming. Jacob thinks he is imagining things. Nessie is so hopeful it is a little heartbreaking. I desperately try to feel nothing at all.

I will not get my hopes up for fear of completely falling apart.

"Keep talking," Jacob suggests, obviously attempting to keep calm. Nessie moves her mouth, but no sounds come out. She turns her frantic eyes on me and I take over.

"Carlisle lived here while he worked at the hospital in Chicago," I manage, my voice breaking slightly. "So do you remember when we lived together in Chicago?"

Bella's head jerks as she continues to look at the house. It is a movement that might almost be a nod.

Nessie squeaks again and I don't need Mr. Jacob Black to tell me to keep talking. "We grew up there together and eventually got married. We were so totally and irrevocably in love, just as we are now, but I foolishly went away and didn't come back for a ridiculously long time. Carlisle took care of you. He brought you here to have our daughter."

Bella turns to look at the girl in question. Through Nessie's thoughts I look at my mate's mostly blank face. A little furrow has formed between her brows and my knees threaten to give out because that look is so familiar. She is puzzling something out.

Although it saved us in the past, I've spent a lot of time hating her gift, now more so than ever. To know what she thinks currently would be such a blessing.

We are all standing there marveling at her when so quickly it's a little difficult to see, Bella reaches for Nessie, pulling our daughter onto her back piggyback style and speeding away into the woods.

Jacob and I stare at each other for a moment, shocked to see Bella make her own decision to move for the first time in two months, before taking off after her.

Jacob quickly falls behind, unable to keep up with my speed even in wolf form.

The only thing to keep me from completely panicking is my ability to hear Vanessa's thoughts. Although alarmed by the suddenness of her mother's actions, Nessie is thrilled to be running through the forest once more. It is an activity she finds soothing in its familiarity and hope blooms in my daughter.

An image of Bella controlling a swirling vortex of flame flickers through my head. In that moment my wife was so totally lost, consumed by her own power, her demon ravenous as she burned our enemies.

I didn't think she processed the ability to stop.

The determined glint in her eye and the raging need of the demon told me she was capable of burning the whole world. The demon did not know words, but its need was clear.

I'm sickened by the thought, but when the husk of my wife is once more animated by personality, it could very well be the demon that emerges. I run a little faster, motivated by my dark thoughts and a fear for my daughter.

Bella is fast, faster than anyone I've encountered before, but I am still the fastest.

"Are you alright?" I ask Ness as I match my pace to Bella's, running close enough that I can snatch her away if necessary.

"Dad, I'm super," Vanessa assures me, beaming as she ducks to avoid a tree branch. "This is great! Just like before."

Her positivity and joy is somewhat infectious and I glance at my wife. Her eyes are bright, almost… alive, and even if the rest of her face remains emotionless it is rather huge given her state for the last two months.

Bella doesn't seem to notice me running next to her, the giant wolf trailing us, or Nessie's occasional giggling as she launches them off a rock, landing a hundred feet from where they took off. Nessie squeals with happiness.

I'm wondering how I'll mange to feed Vanessa if her mother decides to run forever when Bella stops abruptly. I'm fifty yards ahead of them before I can blink. It takes me no time at all to reach them once more, and Nessie is sliding off her mother's back.

Jake joins us as Bella takes Nessie's hand, leading us through the forest, following the sounds of a babbling stream. We emerge in a small clearing containing a pool fed by a small, trickling waterfall.

Although the terrain and foliage differ vastly, it is reminiscent of our much larger waterfall back in Forks. I smile at the bittersweet memory of the best day of my existence.

"Cool," says Vanessa, pulling off her t-shirt. It leaves her in athletic shorts and a tank top. Kicking off her flip-flops, she moves to stand on a boulder at the edge of the pool. She just seems to know what Bella wants in this strange moment.

"Mom?" she calls. "Dad? Are you watching?"

She knows we are, but she is determined to act normal in hopes of triggering something equally normal in her mother.

"We're watching," I reply. Bella stares blankly, but tracks our daughter's movements with her eyes. Our daughter cannonballs off the rock into the pool below. She splashes us all, making wolf Jacob smell even more repugnant, but Bella doesn't seem to notice.

"Got you," Nessie says, grinning as she surfaces.

Get in here you fool. Her thoughts are directed at me and enough to snap me out of my shock. We have to make it like that first day in the meadow.

I remove my own shirt and shoes before making the jump. I emerge to see Bella wading into the pond, fully clothed and face blank. Jacob splashes around at the shore, still in wolf form, because he has no clothes on him and I'd kill him before I'd let him gallivant around naked in front of my wife and daughter. We all try very hard to act normal around Bella.

"Best day of my existence." The voice that comes out of my mate's mouth is tinkling and light and so familiar all activity in the small pool immediately desists. The three of us freeze, turning to gape at our wife, mother, and friend.

She stares back with the eerie blank look, one that has become the norm since her collapse.

I'm the first one to shake off the shock and approach Bella. "That's right, love," I reply, my tone betraying my hopes and fears. "The best day of your existence and mine too. It happened in Forks last fall. We spent the day as a family in your favorite clearing. We're in Illinois now, but it is similar to Nessie's waterfall in our woods. Can you smell the difference?"

Bella closes her eyes, inhaling deeply. Her nose wrinkles when she opens her eyes again and she lets out an annoyed hiss in Jacob's direction, probably a reaction to his hideous odor. I laugh as Jacob pouts.

"Remember how we had a picnic?" asks Nessie, rushing over to stand between her mother and myself. Bella blinks down at our daughter, allowing Vanessa to hold her limp hands. "You watched me eat and then Dad insisted that you guys eat behind that tree so I wouldn't see? How silly is that? You cuddled with Dad in the sunshine while I read by the creek. Do you remember what we did next?" asks Nessie, practically vibrating with hope.

In her head she pleads with a god she doesn't even really believe in for her mother's return. I've spent countless moments doing the same.

In response Bella stares at the waterfall.

Although it may not seem like much and my mate stays silent, Bella is clearly responding to Nessie's question. It is proof that some part of my mate understands what is going on around her. Despite her blank face, her mind is in there somewhere, remembering the best day of our existence and the waterfall jumping that occurred.

The thoughts of Jacob and Vanessa indicate that they are well aware of the significance of Bella's response.

"That's right!" squeaks out a delighted Nessie. She now bounces on her feet, causing the water of the pool to ripple around her.

"We went swimming and jumping off that waterfall. Dad and I—"

Ness is about to detail the splash fight when Bella's hand slices through the water.

Once more, we all freeze in shock. Nessie collects herself a moment later, giggling and splashing her mother. "Yes! That's it! Dad and I had a water fight and you got wet in the crossfire."

Bella doesn't react to Nessie's words, but the progress here is huge enough to make this day the second best in my existence.


"Good day today, my love," I murmur in her ear as I massage shampoo into her long hair. After two months Bella is well acquainted with this bath time routine and she sits still in between my legs as I lather her head. There is something so painfully heartbreaking about the necessity of bathing someone as strong as Bella in such a manner.

It is the same at meal times. She seems to have totally lost the ability to hunt, bathe, and clothe herself. I do it all for her, including bringing a deer's vein to her lips, pulling shirts on over her shoulders, and crawling in the tub behind her to wash her hair.

"Rinse," I murmur, pushing gently on her shoulders. It took her three weeks, but she finally figured out the proper response to my gentle commands.

She slides under the water now. It is somewhat awkward as the tub is smaller than what we're used to, but when her head emerges once more her hair is free of bubbles.

"A very good day," I continue as I condition her long locks.

"Best day of our existence," she replies, voice clear as a bell and the single most beautiful thing I've ever been fortunate enough to hear. This is the third time she uttered these words today, each time as wondrous as the last.

"Yes, love," I reply, my voice breaking and my hands faltering in her hair. "The best day. You remember. Tomorrow night we will go to our apartment in Chicago. A year ago you brought me there to show me the artifacts from our human lives. Do you remember our week in Chicago last year?"

I don't expect her to acknowledge my words but I speak because Carlisle says it can do nothing but help. But, when she moves to turn in the tub to face me I can do nothing but gape at her beautiful, blank features.

I bend my legs so my knees stick up above the water, and Bella braces herself on said knees as she kneels down into the soapy water staring at my nudity. The little furrow is back between her brows as if she is trying to dispel a dense fog to remember.

I shuffle uncomfortably under her gaze, trying to control my body's natural reaction to my extremely stunning mate.

Is she thinking about the end of our time in Chicago? When we came together again for the fist time in a century?

It gets a little more difficult to control my traitorous body.

With something that might be a shadow of a smile but is certainly different from the typical emotionless line of her mouth, Bella reaches out to place a palm over my chest, right over my dead heart.

I stop breathing and can't manage to do anything but stare at her in shock and wonder and fear.

For the second time in as many months, Bella's eyes look alive, like they did before the demon took control. Nothing else matters as I watch her touch me on her own volition for the first time in months.

Cocking her head to the side as she continues to study the water that only partially hides my nudity. She moves her hands down my stomach with unbearable slowness. Somehow the-functioning part of my brain screams out in regards to the wrongness of this but I'm unable to find the energy to do anything but sit still as a statue, my body tensed in anticipation and muscles contracting as Bella's sure, slow fingertips explore each ripple of my stomach as they make steady downward progress.

"Dad?"

The concerned voice from the other side of the door has my common sense once more asserting itself in my mind. Berating myself for being such a thoroughly deranged sicko, I scramble out of the tub, leaping away from my far too appealing mate.

"Are you guys almost done? I want to go to bed and I have to pee," continues Nessie.

"We're just getting out now," I call, trying to sound as normal as possible. There is no suspicion in my daughter's thoughts, just irritation and discomfort.

"Hurry," she demands through the door, despite the fact I could have clearly heard a whisper. "I've really got to go."

Hating myself all the while, I wrap a towel around my waist before pulling Bella out of the tub. I study the floor as I secure the towel around her torso.

It is truly disgusting that I can be thinking about such a thing with Bella so vulnerable and helpless. What sort of vile creature would consider touching her while she's like this? Trapped in her own mind.

Really, I'm no better than Aro.

The sickening thought finally calms my whisked body, self-disgust replacing arousal.

Turning the bathroom over to our daughter, I led Bella into the cabin's only bedroom. Still unable to look at her in my deep shame, I lay out clean sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt on the bed. Typically, I help clothe her, giving directions to lift her arms or feet that she only recently learned to move on her own, but given what just happened in the tub, I can't touch her. I can't mar her flawless skin further with my dirty, perverted hands.

Once again Bella astonishes me, moving around my motionless figure to pull on her clothes on her own.

I fear I have a terrible habit of grossly underestimating her.

In my shock I manage to look at her again, observing her confident, steady movements as if she's been doing this on her own all along. When she finishes she hands over a towel and sits on the bed, looking up at me almost expectantly.

I know what she wants. This is part of the routine, but I pull on a pair of sweats first because I cannot be naked around her in this moment.

Despite all that lurks within her, lately Bella is more a child than anything.

Talking the towel from my mate, I dry Bella's hair, leaving it damp and tousled and unbearably sexy.

Bella is staring at me again, but once more Vanessa saves us both, emerging from the bathroom with a comb. Ness began the ritual of combing out Bella's long mahogany locks after being home for only a few days.

When I take two large steps away from my mate, I swear she pouts, but that must just be my mind playing tricks.


Bella still pretends to sleep. She is now so adept at reaching this meditative sort of state that I believe she might be the world's only sleeping vampire.

There is only one bedroom in this small house. Esme restored the house for historical preservation, not for living in comfort. After tucking my girls in for the night, I join Jacob on the couch in the living room area.

There is nothing I want more than to run through the woods to clear my head, but I dare not leave my family alone and virtually unprotected. Instead I join Mr. Jacob Black on the couch.

He has headphones on and it takes me a few minutes of silently sitting next to him, I process what he's listening to.

"You're learning Spanish?" I ask, surprised. He really isn't one for the studying.

"Si." In his mind he counts in Spanish, trying to conceal his thoughts, no doubt, but then they take on a bitter edge as he thinks of Nahuel.

"Always talking to Ness in Spanish," he thinks. "Got to know what he's saying. Nessie is too nice to even notice the dude is being a creepy asshole. And he drinks blood and can create more bloodsuckers, unlike Ness. What a dick."

My chuckle in response to his thoughts is slightly evil. Although I don't exactly enjoy the hybrid's interest in my daughter, his thoughts are inoffensive and I find Jacob's discomfort extremely entertaining.

Nessie and Nahuel have much in common, given what they are, and as much as I'd like to demand he return to South America under pain of decapitation, this is a very difficult time for my daughter and the untimely departure of her fellow former prisoner would only make things worse.

"Dude, really?" groans Jacob, ripping the ear buds from his ears and scowling at me. "How are you not more wary of this stranger?"

I tap my forehead. "I know what he is thinking because I actually speak his language," I reply.

"I don't like it," he mutters.

"Well, I don't like either of you around my daughter, so there you go," I remind him. "There isn't anything I can do about it at this point."

Jacob turns off the language lessons loaded onto his iPod and we sit in silence for a while. I berate myself for considering touching my mate inappropriately until Jacob speaks again.

"Nessie was right," he murmurs. "We've only been here for half a day and she talked! Twice! And did you see her eyes? Damn, she's coming back, Eddie. We're almost out of it now."

I let the joy and hope from the day soothe me, until my thoughts turn dark once more.

"What is it?" Jacob demands, on edge now.

Focusing on my daughter to make sure she continues to sleep, I decide to confide in the wolf. Surely he's earned full disclosure, given he and his pack is partially responsible for our so-called victory. They are far from whole because of it.

"I am concerned that when Bella finds her way back to us she will not be the same," I murmur. It is a struggle to keep the tremors out of my tone as I voice my greatest fear.

"What?" asks Jacob Black, shifting on the couch to better blink at me. "Why?"

I sigh heavily and pinch the bridge of my nose as I relive the terrifying moments when the being in my mate's mind was demon only. There was nothing remotely recognizable there. No shield. No memories. No thoughts expressed as words. Only the desire for more.

"During the battle Bella pushed her gift to unknown levels of power." I become robotic and detached. It's the only way I can manage to keep from breaking down completely, something that will not happen with Jacob Black in the vicinity.

He nods along with me. Although he was running Nessie to safety when Bella changed, he's heard all about her role from Garrett and the others who describe my mate's actions as glorious. They paint her as the savior of all vampire kind.

And in a way this is truth. Bella would hate being known as a savior.

Those of us who had our gifts stolen, Jasper, Benjamin, and myself, view Bella's hidden depths as something to be feared and avoided rather than worshipped.

"I know not how it happened," I whisper, attempting to explain. "When we first got into that clearing, the precision and control over her shield was truly staggering. I was in awe of the way she kept the protection so close to our every ally, wrapping around each body perfectly even as we moved and fought. Truly it was remarkable."

"Wow," murmurs Jacob, properly amazed.

"But then something happened," I continue. "I could hear her thoughts coming from her immobile body, but it wasn't her, Jacob. It was demon only."

"Demon?" The wolf swallows as if attempting to gulp down his horror. "Bella has a demon?"

"We all do, but it's always been buried so deep in Bella," I say before pressing on. "The shield was gone, and with it Bella. I still do not know the details, but Carlisle and Eleazar believe that she somehow forced her gift passed the confines of her physical form. Like she pushed her shield out of her body, severing ties with it and the demon was the only thing left behind. It wanted the gifts of others. It called out to something, the shield presumably, demanding more power. For most vampires the demon lusts for blood, not power like Bella. But none possess power like Bella."

Jacob shivers in horror. I don't tell him how Bella wanted to burn us all. To burn me. It wasn't my mate. I know it wasn't my mate, but I truly fear she is forever lost.

"You're worried," says Jacob after the shock wears off. "You're worried that when Bella comes back, it might be her who emerges but…"

"Her newly awakened demon."

"Fuck," replies Jacob because there is really nothing else to say.

I rise from the couch, needing to be near my mate. There is nothing remotely demonic about her current state, and this gives me hope.

"Nahuel speaks Portuguese," I tell Jacob before going to be near my girls.


Nessie is curled in the fetal position, clutching a pillow. Bella lies flat on her back in the same place I left her hours ago. Her eyes are closed and her chest rises and falls with steady, unnecessary breaths.

She must sense my approach but she does nothing to acknowledge my presence until I'm crawling in under the covers. Her eyes open briefly and she looks impossibly sleepy as she rolls over to rest her head against my chest.

I wonder if she wants to be near me or if she is just well trained from all the nights we've spent together like this in our room back home in our cabin.

Bella wraps her arms around me, giving me one good squeeze before closing my eyes and pretending to sleep.


"Any change?" I ask as Jacob wanders into the kitchen in the Chicago apartment.

I watch the mugs circling in the microwave, but most of my attention is absorbed in the living room with my girls.

"Naw," replies the wolf, leaning against a counter directly behind me. "She's still pouring over the old photos with that creepy blank stare that is now the norm. "Has she spoken today?"

"No," I reply, trying not to be too terribly miserable about it. "But she is looking through the photos on her own. Really, that alone is huge. Up until yesterday she was more a doll than anything."

"Yeah," Jacob agrees. "There's that. Hey, you okay, man?"

I'm surprised to hear genuine concern in his thoughts. Although I nod, I have no idea what to say but the microwave dings, saving me from the necessity of formulating a response.

"You cooking?" he asks as I reach for the mugs.

"It's less repulsive heated up," I explain. I wave the mug under his nose, causing him to gag.

"No," he insists, looking slightly green, "it really isn't. You couldn't have just taken out a deer before we left the woods?"

"I'm trying to do things we did last time we stayed in the city," I explain. "Maybe something small will trigger a memory like yesterday."

"It's not people blood," Jacob asks, extremely uncomfortable now, "is it?"

"Does it smell like people blood?" I snap.

Jacob sniffs obnoxiously. "Poor Babe," he mutters, shaking his head sadly. The reference is totally lost on me.

A moment later I am kneeling in front of my mate. Nessie is reading on the couch while Bella sits on the floor with hundreds of old photographs spread out around her. She's been organizing them in different patterns. I don't know what it means.

"Here, love," I say, smiling as she accepts the outstretched mug. "Drink quickly and it's not so bad."

Her nose wrinkles. The familiar look makes my heart sing.

"Foul," she says, scowling down at the cup.

Again, hearing her voice is enough to render us all speechless. Jacob recovers first.

"Actually, Bells," he says. "I believe it's pig. And you're got a bit on your chin."

We stay in Chicago for another week. Bella speaks five more times, all of it trivial, but still, it's real progress.


"It's all my fault," Nessie says. We are driving back from La Push where Nessie visits various pack members and their families everyday. I think it makes them feel better, to see exactly what they fought for. What they lost for.

"Vanessa?"

"Mom, everyone who died," she continues, her voice breaking. "Irina. Jared. Siobhan, all those newborns and the creepy vamps I didn't know. It's all my fault."

I pull the car over and pull Nessie into a hug across the gearshift.

"Hush," I say, stroking her hair and kissing her temple. My dead heart shatters as her shoulder's shake and her tears dampen my sweater. "It's not your fault," I tell her for the thousandth time in the last two and a half months. "This is all Aro's doing. His wickedness and cruelty had to be stopped for the good of us all, Vanessa. This was coming for many, many years. His unwise decision to take you, to barter your imprisonment for your mother's… well, it was simply the last straw and not your fault at all. He went too far, was blinded by his own power and he paid."

And we paid too. We continue to pay.

Nessie pulls back to stare at me with tearful brown eyes, so like her mother's once were. They are the only memory of my human life that is truly mine and to see the distress in them now is excruciating.

We've had this conversation with such frequency in the last two months. I hope eventually she'll believe my words.

"Is he really gone, Dad?" she whispers.

The memory of removing Aro's head from his shoulders fills me with satisfaction but my enjoyment is short lived when I remember the vision of my wife on the verge of burning the whole world down.

" I am positive," I assure her. "He'll never hurt anyone again. We're safe."

"But Mom is still hurting," Nessie replies, sobbing into my chest once more.

"Honestly, Vanessa," I murmur. "I think this hurts us more than it hurts her. She is safe now. Her shield is serving to keep her safe and that is what's happening now."

This is Carlisle and Eleazar's theory, anyway, but they did not hear the thoughts of the demon left in Bella's body. The demon did not think in words, only desires, and Bella was not there as the demon sought to burn it all, starting with me.

Now she seems so innocent and passive, but I'm not convinced that this is the peaceful, healing state as Carlisle claims.

These are obviously not fears I share with my daughter, and there is nothing I can do but watch for any sign of the demon.

"It will be alright," I murmur as Nessie calms. "She isn't ash. Your mother is in there somewhere."

Vanessa gets quiet and I listen to her heartbeat, taking comfort in the sound.


"Stupid, fucking arm." Emmett growls and wiggles around his left arm at the shoulder. I've never lost an appendage but I've heard it takes years for a limb to function normally.

"Stop complaining," I reply. "A fucked up arm is an appropriate handicap. I'm not totally getting destroyed for once."

Emmett growls. Jasper laughs. All I do is worry about Nessie in La Push with Carlisle and Bella upstairs with her sisters, even with my eyes focused on the shooter video game on the screen.

It is the first time I've let my daughter out of my hearing range in the three months since she came back to us, but Nessie insisted it's time for me to ease up a little. I'm a wreck, although there are very few places as safe as La Push with the wolf pack.

Upstairs, my mate is getting her hair done. Alice keeps up a constant dialog, sharing memories and recounting stories, many of which I do not even know. They are little things. She tells frivolous tales, such as Bella dressing up as a Disney princess for Halloween fifteen years ago at the request of our daughter.

I play three more games with Bella's brothers, all of which Jasper dominates. Emmett tosses away his controller, stomping off to find Rosalie, determined to work off his frustration in some pretty creative ways. I attempt to block his thoughts, staying focused on Alice and Bella.

"So how are you holding up?" Jasper asks as he turns off the gaming machine.

"As best as can be expected, I suppose," I reply with a shrug. "I do not really have a choice. Vanessa needs me."

"Has Bella spoken since you guys got back from Chicago?"

"She declared that an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was 'all wrong' when Ness had it on the other night," I say with a slight smile.

Jasper chuckles. "That sounds like our Bella. It's strange the stimulus she responds to."

"Yeah, it's a little bizarre."

"Do you think you'll be okay on your own when we leave for Italy?" ask Jasper.

The majority of our coven, along with many of the vampires who fought with us against the Volturi, are assembling to determine who will govern and how. Under different circumstances Bella's experience and influence would be extremely valuable to the process, but I dare not drag her to a place that holds such terrible memories.

"Esme and Rosalie are staying," I reply. "Along with the wolves. We'll be fine."

Jasper opens his mouth to reply but Alice's fingers still in Bella's intricately braided hair and I take off. Alice's thoughts take on that fuzzy quality unique to her visions. I reach the girls, taking Bella's hand as Alice gets a glimpse of our future.

She sees Bella, happy and smiling and touching my face. "Edward," she says, whispering my name with such reverence and love. She leans in to kiss me and the vision ends abruptly.

The here and now version of my mate stares at me with that blank look as I stare back at her with awe.

Alice squeaks and hugs me before bounding over to hug her husband who loiters in the doorway. For the first time in a long time, I feel hope.


Bella speaks again two days after our family leave for Italy.

Esme started homeschooling Nessie a month ago. Fearing a back lash from those loyal to the guard, it was unanimously decided that Ness would not be attending the high school as planned. Vanessa's ready agreement to this clearly demonstrates how shaken she remains even all these months later.

"Well, I'm off to school," announces my daughter, putting away her breakfast dishes.

"What's on the docket for today?" I ask, handing over her backpack.

"Russian," she says with a ridiculously guttural accent that would probably offend the Denalis. "I want to surprise Kate and Tanya when they get back. It might make them feel a little better. After everything."

She pauses for a moment, looking sad as she thinks of Irina and the others. I give her a hug and she recovers a moment later, trotting over to the couch where Bella sits, staring passively out the window as usual.

"Bye, Mom," Nessie says, kissing Bella's cheek. My mate turns her head to stare at our daughter. "Love you."

Nessie makes it as far as the door before Bella's voice makes us both freeze.

"Vanessa Elizabeth Masen Cullen."

The voice is clear and strong, but still rather emotionless. My daughter and I turn to gape at her. Bella just continues to stare at our daughter with her head cocked to the side, brow furrowed and eyes narrowed. It's as if she's trying to see through a dense fog.

Nessie drops her bag by the door and rushes to sit next to her mother. "Yes, Mom. It's me. It's your daughter. Your Nessie."

For the first time in three months, Bella smiles. It is so beautiful; the power of it nearly has me tipping over. This is a real Bella smile, vibrant and full of love.

I'm so very thankful it is not the horribly cruel one of the demon. Thinking of the way it made my mate look painfully unfamiliar in the clearing has a shudder running up my spine, but then I force myself back into the present.

"We're going to the meadow," Nessie declares, turning back to me now. "That worked in Illinois. We're going to spend the day in the meadow, Mom. Won't that be fun?"

Bella reaches out, fingertips tracing the lines of Vanessa's cheeks. "Nessie," states my mate.

"Yes," our daughter manages through her tears.

"What about school?" I ask through my daze.

"I'm skipping it," Nessie replies. "Good thing I have an in with the teacher."

"Yes," I murmur, my chest heavy. "Good thing."


Bella pretends to sleep against my chest. I close my eyes, stroking her hair and listening to our daughter's heartbeat in the next room. Today was a good day. Although Bella did not speak again, she listened avidly as Nessie read to us and even took down her own deer, a first in the last three months.

When we visited Nessie's waterfall, Bella played and splashed, fully engaging in the activity on her own. We were blessed with her smile twice more. Three times in one day and I never thought I'd see it again.

I kiss her temple and sigh in contentment when Bella holds me a little closer. Dawn is just breaking when I feel tension slowly infiltrate Bella's body. I rub her shoulders, trying to relax her. My concern grows when her limbs start shaking. Looking at her face, I can see her eyes darting around behind closed lids.

"Bella?" I whisper, stroking my thumb under her eyes. At the contact, her lids fly open.

What I see there is stunning.

Gone is the blank, emotionless mask that's become so familiar in the last few months, replaced now with abject fear, panic, and confusion.

"It's alright," I manage, despite my wildly conflicting emotions.

Slapping my hands away, Bella lets out a startled little hiss and sits up, scrambling away from me until she is perched on the edge of the bed. Her eyes dart around once more, getting her bearing as I pray that this is really and truly my mate – not the demon or the shield or the robot, but my Bella.

"You're alright, love," I say. The urge to reach out and provide comfort is nearly overwhelming, bit I dare not disturb her further. "It's okay. You are safe here in our cabin."

She just continues to frantically observe her surroundings. Her chest heaves with her panicked, labored breaths and her hands rip into the comforter at her sides.

"Wha…" She attempts to speak but the words trail off into nothingness.

"It's me, Bella," I say, pleading and desperate now. "It's Edward."

At the saying of my name, Bella instantly relaxes. The shaking stops, her breathing settles, and her bright amber gaze locks on mine.

For long minutes we simply watch each other. I don't breathe. The creature before me is my mate. I can see my Bella in the eyes, in the expression, in the way she bites her lip and the specific tilt of the head.

There is nothing demon about her. Gone is the mask. There is pain and confusion in the being before me, but it is truly my Bella.

It seems far too good to be true.

"Edward."

Just one word from her, and I'm a believer.


So that was Edward. What are we thinking? As of now we've got two more chapters and an epi.

Thanks for reading.