Disclaimer: As usual, I claim no ownership of the characters, spells, locations, or any other such scenario from the Harry Potter universe. As a special aside, I do warn you all that there is more harsh language in this chapter than usual. I don't want to change the rating of the story based on a few words here or there, as it's not going to be a norm of the story, but I do want to warn those that are offended by the F-bomb to brace themselves in this chapter.
The rays of sunshine had begun poking into Lily's bedroom the following morning, and when they stretched to reach her face, the young witch began to stir. Her first conscious thoughts were of how surprisingly peaceful the night had been. She could remember all of the times in the past week that she had woken up in cold sweats while it was still dark outside, plagued by the trauma of her near-death fall. The nightmares were so frequent that she had been growing particularly irritable from her lack of rest.
So when Lily sleepily opened her eyes, they widened instantaneously when she saw Severus in bed next to her. Her senses had quickly sharpened, and became aware of his arms gently wrapped around her body.
Within moments, Lily cheeks had grown as red as her hair, and she remembered her offer to him the previous night. She had asked if he might consider sleeping with her, though immediately they both broke into nervous laughter when she phrased her request that way. Afterwards, the Muggleborn girl was too embarrassed to actually rephrase it to articulate what she actually wanted. She just wanted the company that night, someone to comfort her if the nightmares had come back again.
Apparently, they had, and Severus came into her room that night to make sure that she could sleep.
"Sev...thank you." she thought to herself with a blushing smile as she let herself relax in his embrace. It felt...nice, laying with him like this. She watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest, letting herself begin to breathe in time with him. She couldn't bring herself to move a muscle, instead opting to study him in ways she hadn't before.
For all that Severus had been through, she finally understood why he had been acting so radically differently from before the incident at the lake. The way he carried himself, the adult confidence that seemed to radiate from him. The way he marched with purpose, instead of gently sneaking around as he had done for years. It was all from being hardened by his previous life's experiences. Even when they had walked to the Potions O.W.L. the week before, Lily got the sense that Severus was keeping watch over his shoulder. He was constantly on guard during his time at Hogwarts, always lowering his voice to a whisper when they discussed anything remotely alluding to his previous life.
But Lily noticed something else as she looked at Severus' sleeping face. He seemed relaxed and at peace. Whatever he was dreaming about seemed to pierce through all of that turmoil and urgency.
"He's probably dreaming about you…" a little voice in the back of her mind echoed. The blush only grew in intensity.
For the first week of knowing this new Severus, Lily had relentlessly tried to figure out why he had changed so abruptly. Now that she knew the truth, her head continued to spin, trying to answer a different question. How she had been the catalyst for that change?
"What's...so special about me?" she asked herself, taking a risk and gently pushing a stray lock of his black hair aside so she could look at him more closely. "Sev...he's become this absolutely beautiful, devoted person. Strong...unbreakable, but still so very emotional...just like when he was actually a teenager. He's still steeped in pride, but it's been tempered by wisdom, and unclouded by his sorrows…"
However, a chill shot through Lily's spine. There was one, very dreadful reality that sunk in when she recalled his words from the previous night. How he could not truly begin to live while Voldemort still walked. And then she remembered how he so casually told her of his death during his confession on the train.
For all of the heroism he had gained, the wisdom and strength that his hard life had given him, it had also taken something away. Severus had absolutely no regard for his own life. Even now, he saw himself as more of a tool than a person.
With that thought in her mind...she felt an urge...and was unable to stop herself from draping her arm over Severus' hip and pressing gently over the small of his back. She pushed herself into his protective embrace a little more and rested her head right against his heart, listening to the hypnotic sound of its beating. All she wanted to do was envelop herself in his essence, just to think with him so close to try to better understand what she could do for his sense of self.
She took a deep breath in, recognizing that scent of enchanted soap and lather that he had been using lately...that aroma of spring rain. With one, simple breath, her redness intensified.
Lily immediately knew that she had gone too far. After a minute or so of laying with him, the gentle heartbeat near her ear began to accelerate, and nearly doubled in speed. She looked up and saw the open eyes of Severus, wide as could be, looking down at her in stunned silence.
"Erm...sorry...didn't mean to wake you." she said with a sheepish grin, before awkwardly pulling away as he did the same.
"Forgive me. I hadn't intended on staying here all night. " Severus mumbled, pulling the sheets off and sitting up.
"Was I having nightmares again..?" Lily asked, already knowing the answer.
He answered her question with a simple nod, looking out the window. "I don't usually sleep in this late...I thought I'd be out of here before you actually woke up."
"It's no trouble!" Lily squeaked, looking down and trying to hide her madly-flushed face. "Thank you...I guess we both needed some sleep.
A minute after sitting up, Severus got to his feet and seemed to be making for the door, but Lily halted him.
"Hey! Where do you think you're going?" she asked, almost pleadingly.
"I'm not particularly interested in either Jasper or Dahlie walking in on us alone in your room." Severus snorted.
"Mum and Dad respect my privacy enough to knock, Sev. We didn't do anything; you have nothing to explain…" she got out from under the sheets of her bed, revealing a simple, white nightgown, which stretched down to her knees.
The sight of Lily in her gown was too much for Severus. He turned back to face the door and planted his forehead against the wooden surface.
"Please...put a shirt or something else on over that…I can leave if you need to change." he muttered.
"Sev, it's hot; I'm not putting a bloody shirt on, and I'm not changing until I take a much-needed shower. Honestly, how old are you that you can't even look at me like this?" she teased.
"Old enough to know that I'm acting like a despicable degenerate when I look at you dressed like that." he huffed, banging his head against the door in frustration. Lily's mention of a shower had done him no favors
"For Merlin's sake, Sev, you're not some monk!" Lily snapped, half-amused and half-flustered. "You act like I'm the only girl you've seen this way…"
Severus merely stood silently, turning his own, blushing face back toward her.
Lily seemed perplexed by his silence for a moment, but her eyes widened once more. "No...no, don't tell me…"
Still, he remained silent, not offering anything to stop her suspicions.
"God, Sev, really?! Nobody?!" she asked, now completely overwhelmed by frustration.
"Why is that such a surprise to you?" He asked, a lump of embarrassment building in his throat.
"Why is it such a surprise?! Did you really just ask me that? You haven't been with anyone? Never had a girlfriend?! Never even had your first kiss?!" A shake of his head was all Severus needed to do to confirm her questioning. Her fiery temper was returning in full force, and she racked her hands through her hair. "God, why the hell not?!"
"You're telling me you've done all of those things already?" Severus asked with an eyebrow raised.
"I've at least had a snog before! You went through your teenage years and your entire adult life without even getting that far?"
"Who?" Severus asked, feeling the fire in his stomach beginning to burn.
"Don't change the subject to me, Sev...why not?"
"You first." He insisted, his black eyes locking with hers. The steel in his voice had returned, and clearly he wasn't going to budge until she did first.
"Fabian Prewett, fourth year." she groaned, losing her patience.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, looking back down at her, some of the edge in his voice lost at the confirmation that at least she hadn't kissed Potter yet.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that my love life was any of your business."
"And yet you act like mine is any of yours…What does it matter if I have been with anyone or not?"
"It just does! It's unhealthy, what you've done with your life...don't you think that you might have at least been able to do a few things for your own reasons if you had someone beside you?"
"I didn't want anyone near me, nor did I need them. I'm perfectly capable of living my life without the burden of anyone else. I'm better alone." he sighed back, marching towards the desk near her window and sitting down.
"Could you cut the bollocks and be honest with me?! Yes, plenty of people can live their lives without someone to share it with, but you're not one of them. You've always been so dependent on what others think of you...it's why you travelled that road in the first place. It's why you lived your life to honor the memory of someone you felt you had wronged...and it's why you came back."
Severus' armor was starting to crumble under the onslaught of Lily's words. He could sense her good intentions, but it wasn't helping. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because you're brilliant, Sev!" Lily finally admitted, sitting back down on her bed with a huff and folding her arms as she looked at him from behind. "You're intelligent, talented, and your skills seem almost limitless. You're quite amusing when you want to be and don't put yourself behind your prickly armor. You listen...I mean, actually, sincerely listen when others want to talk to you...you're loyal...brave...why would you choose to be alone despite all of that?"
"Was it really my choice..?"
Lily noticed an emptiness in his voice when he uttered those words. "He's not using Occlumency again, is he..?" she asked herself before continuing.
"Obviously...any woman worth her salt...that saw the real you, would be tempted by you. You're the one who made the conscious decision not to let anyone see that."
"And yet I never tempted you…" he thought, shaking his head to free himself from his own, oppressive inner voice. "Lily, all of this...everything that you're saying about me now, it didn't exist when I was 16. I was skilled, yes, but I put that skill to the wrong uses. People could talk to me, but that's because I was so poor at articulating what I really felt. All I had back then...was anger."
"Sev, you had me!" Lily insisted.
"Did I?" he asked again, shifting his chair around so he could face her again. "The only reason I'm not angry all the time anymore is because I simply got tired of it. It was too exhausting...for all of the work I had to do. But here, without my Occlumency, I feel it all anew. I was angry at my mother, for leaving me to Tobias. I hated him, for beating me, for ruining any chance I had to be popular or outgoing...I hated the Gryffindors because of their bloody resemblance to my father's stupid football team."
Lily kept her lips shut, letting Severus continue to talk. She had a feeling another confession was going to come again, and she braced herself for it.
"More than that, I absolutely despised the Marauders. And...for the briefest of moments...I was angry at you for taking their side over mine."
"W-what?" the redhead stuttered, confused by what he meant.
"It almost seems mundane...compared to everything I told you on the train…" he chuckled coldly. "Remus Lupin, the so-called voice of reason of the Marauders, is the wolf in sheep's clothing. Literally."
Lily stared at Severus. "Yes..? And your point is?"
His eyes widened. "You knew?!"
"I had assumed, same as you." Lily whispered, growing impatient. "I thought I might find out for sure if he had chosen to tell me. That doesn't change the fact that he's my friend and it would be horribly cruel to hate someone for something they can't control. It's no better than persecuting a Muggleborn."
Severus just looked at Lily, completely dumbfounded. She had known. Or at least, she had been trying to dissuade him from looking into it any further.
"What does this have to do with me taking their side over yours, Sev? Just because Remus is a werewolf, it doesn't make him a bad person."
His head was tilted downward, beginning to feel it surging again. As strongly as the day he had tried to plead his case with her in his first life.
"So it was just 'the right thing to do' when I was sworn to secrecy when I discovered Lupin's true identity? The day I was nearly murdered by Black letting his pet off his leash...and had that terrifying beast towering over me? What was it you said to me..? That I was being ungrateful?"
Lily's eyes were growing wider by the moment. She remembered the conversation well, as it had only happened this past year at Hogwarts. Their worst row…
"You're being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever's down there."
She could still see the horror in Severus' eyes as he tried to process her response. It seemed like, in that moment, the young boy's heart had been broken. From there, the conversation had derailed to James, and her best friend desperately was trying to keep Lily from getting any closer to him.
"No...no, it...it was Remus down there? Transformed?" she asked, looking at Severus' shattered eyes.
"Five points to Gryffindor…" he coldly mumbled.
"Why…? Why didn't you-" she whimpered, before being cut off by him.
"I already told you why. I was sworn to secrecy by Dumbledore. Favoring his Golden Gang of Gryffindors. A werewolf, a rebellious young psychopath who tried to kill me for a laugh, their snivelling little tag-along who becomes a Death Eater, and James-Fucking-Potter." he spat with disdain.
"You want to know why I never let anyone see what I was worth? Because on that day...you showed me what I was worth. Nothing. That's all I was...the ungrateful Slytherin who consorted with future Death Eaters. The one who you were embarrassed to even be around. The one who came to you, desperate to tell SOMEBODY. I had already started having my own nightmares then...nightmares of that hellish beast and its howl as it looked down at me...ready to tear me apart. A fall from the Astronomy Tower sounds like a walk in the park compared to that-"
This time, it was Severus who was cut off, when Lily lifted a finger to his lips. She was crying again, heartbroken at what she had done to him with her ignorance of the situation. "I'm sorry. I already told you...I know now...that you're worth so much more than that. I always should have, but I didn't. I failed you...but I want to try again, if you'll let me…"
"It was years ago…" he sighed. "I've gotten over it out of necessity."
Her expression lightened just a bit, wiping the tears out of her eyes. "Well, if that's the case...let's talk about...what did you call him? James-Fucking-Potter? Have you gotten over that?"
"What do you mean?" he asked, unsure of where to even start.
"What Tuney said last night. I haven't said anything about James Potter in my letters home ever since you came back to that day at the lake. Honestly, I've been so busy trying to figure you out, that I haven't paid him much thought."
Severus looked down at the floor. "What you write to your family isn't any of my business."
"Dammit, Sev, enough!" Lily stomped her foot, causing a loud boom on the floor beneath her, before standing up. "Stop acting like some selfless martyr! If you want something, come out and bloody say it!"
"What do you want me to say?!" He hissed, getting to his feet to meet her, looking down at her by a few inches. "That I was jealous?! That I even have it in me to be jealous after all this time? That I wished you would shut up about your desire to see me with other women when the only one I've ever wanted is standing right in front of me?!"
Immediately after his outburst, Severus shrank, and his body went rigid. He hadn't intended to be so blunt, but as usual, Lily's tendency to pierce his armor of secrecy was on full display.
For a few seconds, neither of them moved a muscle, but Severus desperately needed to diffuse the situation. "I'm sorry...I di-"
"Sit." she interrupted him, pointing down to the edge of her bed. Her tone was sharp, and her eyes burned like a green fire.
The intensity in her gaze made him unable to disobey, and he sat down onto the soft mattress, crumpling a loose portion of the green blanket into his hand nervously.
Lily sat down next to him, her lips quivering, but her gaze as intense as it was before. Then she spoke again, just as deliberately as she had before.
"You are positively infuriating. Spewing that garbage about being worthless, treating your own tragedy like it's a sodding afterthought. I'm only going to do this once...After that, it's up to you…"
"Do what..?"
Lily closed her eyes and leaned forward. Before Severus could snap his head backwards in surprise, her lips were pressed gently against his. In that moment, the young Slytherin had an out of body experience. He could hear the gentle breaths that Lily took as she kissed him, felt her arms drape over his shoulders to pull him in deeper. Their lips danced, and Severus acted upon several years of fantasies and dreams. He returned the embrace, his fingertips grazing along the back of her neck.
One, long kiss became two. Two became a series of them in rapid succession, and he felt the strangest sensation of Lily poking her tongue between her lips and gliding along his own lips between each kiss. Despite the entire ordeal being foreign to him, Severus learned quickly, and matched her movements. Their breathing became more rapid, and the gentleness that his fingers had on her neck transformed into a more raw, passionate pull as he held her as tightly as he could.
His hands began to glide further down her back, feeling her soft skin through the thin fabric of her nightgown.
As startling as an explosion, there was a knock on Lily's door, and the kiss was ceased by Dahlie's concerned voice on the other side.
"Lily? Meine Blume, is everything alright in there?"
Looking into the redhead's eyes with astonishment, Severus could see her cursing silently, teeth clenched. "Everything's fine, mum!"
The door opened slowly and the German woman peeked her head in, smiling at them both. "I heard the noise from downstairs, just wanted to check and make sure nothing bad happened. Just so you both know, breakfast is almost ready."
"Thanks, Mum." Lily forced a smile before the door shut.
Slowly, she got back to her feet, making her way towards her dresser and pulling out a change of clothes. "I'm going to go shower...then I'll see you downstairs."
"Hey...wait, what in Merlin's name was that?!" Severus stammered, his eyes still snapped open in shock.
"Well...that, Sev, was your first kiss…" she answered with a teasing smile. "And I must say, you're a natural." she added before leaving for the bathroom.
Author's Note: I think that chapter really says it all. I was considering putting this moment off for a while longer, but I do want to emphasize that despite what happened in this chapter, Severus and Lily ARE NOT A COUPLE, at least not yet. There's a number of conflicting emotions that Lily is going through in her discoveries of Severus, but one major one is her growing attraction to him, and the peace she feels being around him.
Despite what Sev may tell himself, yes, he does tempt her, but the one thing he's going to have to learn to get over is to start becoming more assertive about his own wants and desires, and to stop acting like he's above physical attraction and affection. What happened at the end of this chapter...will hopefully help him take the first step away from that in a big way.
In Lily's case, it's not so much a kiss of pity as it is a kiss of acknowledgement. She knows everything that her memory has done to him, and once she learns that he hasn't so much as kissed a girl in his whole life, that's a real wake-up call for her to do something to at least jump-start his new life.
Once again, I must thank everyone who has reviewed so far, and ask you all to continue doing so. The more thoughtfully written reviews have a profound effect on how I write and adjust as I go, so please, the more detailed, the better!
