One more chapter I had ready! I'm sorry if I broke your hearts but it will I be good in the end, maybe, eventually, you will see. Another disclaimer I've never been to a support group so I apologize if it's upsetting for not being accurate. Please enjoy, like and review.
Chapter 28: the grey part: 2
My hair was all the way past my shoulders now and I was starting to get tired of it so I decided to chop it off, I didn't trusted myself on a task like that so all I needed was a quick visit to the hair salon. Now my hair was styled in a very short bob, very short in the back and longer in the front that stopped on the jawline and framed my face, and the fringe was cut straight over the brows. I looked at myself in the mirror and was unpleased that I still looked like before, with the difference of blue eyes and glasses that I used occasionally when my eyes got tired. I looked at Fletcher who sat patiently besides me. "Should I do something drastic that I could possible regret?" I asked and he barked. "Yeah that's stupid" silence and stares. "I'm gonna do it" I said picking up my jacket, scarf and keys, it was my birthday after all. "Come on Fletcher I don't have all day, I still need to go to that group thing" I said and we walked to a tattoo and piercing shop I've been meaning to go for a long time. "Will I regret getting it later?" I asked to the professional and he shrugged. "That depends on you, would you regret it?" He asked and now it was my time to shrug. "I regret many things" I murmured to myself. I ended up getting a labret piercing and a septum, the guy instructed me in the process of healing and how to take care of them. I looked much different and I loved it. "How do I look?" I asked asked Fletcher and he barked twice, I scratched his head. "Let get something to eat" I said and started walking to a pet friendly cafe that I visited regularly. Ordered some coffee and sandwiches and Fletcher got a nice mix of dog food and chicken that he really liked. We ate and relaxed for a few minutes and before leaving I ordered a box of donuts to take to the group, it only seemed appropriate since i was new and that's what my culture taught me, also it was my birthday and I was on a good mood. Sure I was a little sad that I couldn't visit my sisters grave but I felt her with me and I prayed and knew she listened. I wonder, what are they doing now?, what is he doing now? I stopped in my track and Fletcher looked at me questionably. "I'm sorry, I'm not going to let my mind ruin my mood, come on" I continued walking, maybe I should buy a bicycle.
-back in Japan-
Snow has started to fall and it covered the gravestone like a vail. It was late and the sun has started to set. There was fresh, beautiful flowers adorning the grave from previous visitors. A tall and silent figure approached it and carefully removed the snow off the engraved plaque. In loving memory of Midori Kondo, Koichi Kondo and Ruto Kondo, it read. He placed a bouquet of roses besides the others and did a small prayer and bow. "Watch over her, wherever she is, let her be at peace and happy" he said looking back at the gravestone before going inside with the rest. They where having a small dinner, everyone was there, everyone smiling.
-Brighton-
I made it into the building and took an elevator that would take me to the correct room and once in front of the door, that had a plaque that said Matthew Dawson, support group and psychologist. I knocked on the door three times and moments later a man in maybe his early 40s opened the door and smiled at me. "You must be miss Kondo and he most be Fletcher, please come in" he said stepping aside for us to enter, I was greeted by the curious eyes of peculiar persons, but then again I was very peculiar myself. "This is Saria Kondo and this is Fletcher, they will be joining us from now on." He said to the others and I bowed at them, I always did it unconsciously. There was six persons in the room, including me. "I brought donuts, is a tradition of us to bring gifts to meetings like this" I said and he accepted the box thanking me. He circled around giving the donuts and each one of them, they thanked both him and me and I kept bobbing my head bowing.
"How about we start presenting yourself so our new friend can meet us, I'll start" he stood up from his chair and started talking. "My name is Matthew Dawson, I'm originally from New York but came to the U.K when I was much younger to study. I was just like all of you, I also was sitting on those chairs. I came from a family full of drugs and alcohol and when I too fell under the drugs I almost died. I cleaned myself from that and came looking for a batter future" he finished and sat back down. A boy next to him stood up next and swayed his hands back and forth. He has ashy blond hair and green eyes and a face full of freckles. "My name is James Newman, I'm 23 years old. My birth mane is Jessica Newman and 4 years ago I started on hormones to change my sex. I've been both bullied in school and in my house and I lost my will to live a year ago but someone told me of this place and here I am" he said and sat back again, I was taken aback. A girl next to him stood up, she had tan skin with white spots all over her visible body. "Hi, my name is Cleo Smiths, I'm 19 years old and I have virtiligo. I've always been mocked and bullied, I used to hate myself. And my body for being so different. But I've realize that I'm special and beautiful and I'm starting to love myself, one day at the time" she said and I heard the others say things like, amen, beautiful and nice. The next girl stoop up and kept looking to the floor and playing nervously with her hand, she was pale and have long black hair. "My name is Tiffany Williams, I'm 18 and… and I was raped. I was being abused by my stepdad and my mother didn't believed me. I was harassed and bullied constantly at school and ran away. I had nowhere to go so I had to go back to that horrible place. But after I started to come here things have changed, I'm living with my grandparents and I'm graduations soon" she said looking up and giving everyone a smile which they all returned. Jeremy was right, they all have different problems but they all have something in common at he same time. The last guy stood up, he was probably the tallest of everyone here, dark brown hair and a well build body. "Hello, my name is Angel Jones I'm 20 years old. I'm a adventure junkie and love to go hiking. About 3 years ago I had an accident hiking and lost a leg" he said pulling up his pants to reveal a prosthetic leg. "I also had to have blood transfusion and a kidney removed from the damage I received. It was pretty bad, fell down a mountain and boulders squished my side and leg. I spent 6 months in the hospital. My body recovered but the trauma was still there so I came here" he sat back down and everyone expecting eyes landed on me. "Please, present yourself and tell us our story" Matthew said but I stayed on my chair, biting the inside of my cheek. "We've all been through a lot of things, we are are equal here, we won't make fun or judge you." Angel said, he looks like he is the most talkative, apart from Matthew, here. I took a deep breath and stood up. "My name is Saria Kondo, I'm originally from Tokyo and I'm 19 since today is my birthday" I said a little low bit since the room was so silent they all heard me and started congratulating me, I just bowed thanking them. "For years ago today, I had an accident, a drunk truck driver crashed on the restaurant we where. I lost my sister that day and I lost my sight" they all looked shock and saddened. "Glass shards flew into my eyes and damage the cornea, I had other injuries an stayed in the hospital for almost 2 moths. After 1 and a half years of learning to live blindly I went back to school where I was mocked, bullied and taken advantage off and I was also raped." I saw in the corner of my eye, Tiffany cover her mouth with her hand. "But not everything was bad, I met eight amazing friends and they made my life a little brighter. I fell in love with one of them and on Christmas Day he proposed marriage to me." They smiled and brightened up but I felt the knock in my throat form and my eyes start to water. "But I was afraid and had nightmares, I didn't wanted to be their burden. So I returned the ring and abandoned them and my family to come to London to have an eye transplant surgery and here I am now, contemplating the choices to stay or go back" I said as tears started to run down my cheeks, I sat back down and Fletcher rested his head on my lap whining, Cloe gave me some tissues and I thanked her.
"I'm sorry to hear that" Matthew said and I muttered an it's ok. "What made you take that decision?" He asked, I knew that's was going to happen and that questions would be asked but it still felt a little anxious. "I was scared he was going to get bored of me. I was scared that I would be a huge burden in his life and I would always depend on him" I answered, I didn't find a point to evade the truth so I went to the point. "Did he loves you?" Tiffany asked with her soft voice. I nodded. "He stood up for me, he saved me from the rapist, he pampered me and showed me so many new things" I said with a bittersweet smile. "And do you love him?" Angel asked and I looked at him. "More than anything in life"
"Why don't you go back then?" Asked James and I shook my head "they won't forgive me. I abandoned them, not a word, not a goodbye. I broke their hearts on a selfish act." I said feeling worse than ever. "They will forgive you if you talk to them" Matthew said and I scoffed. "Yeah, hey guys I'm back, sorry I left you without having saying anything I went to go get a surgery so I wouldn't be a burden and depend on you my whole life. P.s. Takashi I still love you, would you give me my ring back and marry me?" I said sarcastically with a hint of anger. After a moment I covered my face with my hands. "I'm sorry" I apologized for my sudden burst. "They will forgive you." Angel said again. "You didn't wanted to be their burden so you came to have a surgery. You where thinking of them when you made your decision" he concluded. "Yes but the thing is. I could have taken that surgery back in Japan, in fact my friend is the son of the guy who owns the hospital. I ran away and came here, leaving them with no clue of my whereabouts" I made my point and they seemed to understand me now. "So, his name is Takashi?" Asked Matthew and I nodded. "How was he?" He asked again this is a touchy subject but it was part of the whole thing. "He was tall and muscular is one year older than me. He is the kendo champion of Japan." I concluded and they all looked expectantly. "I was already blind when I met him so I don't know how he looks" I said and they looked a little surprised. "You where going to marry a man whom you have never seen?" Tiffany asked and I nodded. "I haven't seen any of my friend as a matter of fact" I added and we continued to talk about other things.
After one hour it was time to eat lunch so we ordered some pizza and sat around talking some more. Fletcher was getting all the attention. "So tell us about you, apart from what you said earlier" asked Angel and the others nodded in agreement. "Well, I'm studying to be a professional photographer, I live alone" Fletcher looks at me. "With Fletcher of course. I work part time at an indoor rock climbing facility and I practice jui-jitsu" I said and they ohh at what I said. We kept talking and asking questions some more, I learned that Cloe was an aspiring artist and showed me her sculptures. Tiffany played the viola and was planning on being a music teacher. James was a transsexual model and was featured in some magazines. Angel was working on a gym and was interested on going to my workplace for some training. "Your name is really interesting is similar to the character from" "legend of Zelda ocarina of time" I finished for Cloe. "Yeah amm, my dad is Koji Kondo, the composer for Nintendo and its games" she looked shocked. "OMG that's incredible!" She continued to fangirling for the next 10 minutes before the conversation continued. "So you play?" Asked Tiffany and I nodded. "I play the ocarina and the harp, but I haven't played them in a long time" I said and she looked a little down. "Next meeting I can bring my ocarina and show you" I suggested and she smiled. "That would be great"
"Alright let's do a little activity, this could be triggering so it any of you don't feel like doing it is ok" Matthew said and we all went back to our seats. "I want you to recreate that moment in which you felt your worst and most vulnerable but this time, we will make it into somethings positive, by being there for you" he explained and demonstrated, acting like he was about to do drugs when angel stopped him and gave him encouraging sign words and the others hugged him. They've done this before. James acted like he was about to slit his wrist but Tiffany stopped him by giving him a hug. They like to give hugs. Cloe hid behind the chair and again more hugs. Is hugs the answer to every problem. Tiffany hug herself and the others hugged her too. Angel took off his prosthetic leg and laid on the flood, I though it was a little funny since he even stock his tongue out, I doubt hugs could have saved him in that moment but they still hugged him. They should have called this the hug therapy. And finally it was my turn and I froze, what was my most vulnerable moment?
I used angel as a model and held his hand like I was placing something in it. "I cannot marry you, I cannot marry someone knowing I will be their burden. I love you, I really do. But I want you to be happy with someone who can take care of you as much of you took care of me. I hope love finds you" every word was harder and harder to say and then he hugged me, it has been so long since I had felt someone hug me. I didn't noticed that I stared sobbing in his arms and when I felt a little better I let him go and apologized. "It might look like hugs are just a simple act of kindness but sometimes its just what you need after a long and hard day" Matthew said and patted my shoulder. After that we where dismissed and since I was free I went directly home, I was emotionally exhausted. The last words Matthew said was still rolling it my head "you should at least call, I know they will understand" I looked at my phone it was past 10 pm . "Should I call now or tomorrow?" I asked Fletcher and we whined. "Yeah, I shouldn't be dragging it more, after all, it's been almost 7 months" I looked through the contacts passing the names of some of the club. I found Leila's number and clicked it. After 5 rings her voice came through and I lost mine. "Moshi-moshi?" Silence, I fought the knot on my throat. "Hello?" She asked again and I inhaled sharply. "Hi Leila" was everything I manage to say. There was a silence before I heard muffled sniffs. "Why didn't you call? Why did you moved God knows where!?" She started asking obviously angry and sad. "I know I'm sorry but I need you right now" I said unable to hold back my tears. I didn't let her answer. "I don't know what to do. I'm standing on the edge of returning or just running away" I said before I was interrupted. "Of course you have to come, everyone here is worried sick!" She said and I interrupted. "Please don't talk about them". "But we are your friend! Your family!" She screamed. "I know!" I screamed back and took her silence as a chance to keep talking. "And the hardest part of all of this is, I don't think I know my way back home. Is it worth the journey or do I let my heart settle here?" I said crying my eyes out. "You make it sound like you don't care about us anymore" she said and I felt a stabbing pain in the chest. "How could have I've become? I really didn't want to loose you but all I've done is..." I couldn't finish the sentence and started sobbing. "You need to come, settle things down, speak with you dad, speak with everyone. Speak with him" she said and I took a deep breath before continuing. "No. I don't wanna look them in the eyes, they might call me away. I don't wanna give yo the chance to make me stay" I said and again she started screaming in frustration. "Why are you so afraid of?! That we might not look at you the same way!? That he might reject you?!" She asked and I lost my breath of after a few deep breaths I answered with shaky voice. "I have a new life now, I'm working, I'm living a normal life, and I'm very very afraid. I wake up everyday in a panic attack that It was all just a dream and I'm still a blind, helpless little girl. And the hardest part of all of this is I know my way back but I don't want to go! And let you see all that have become of me!" I said, my phone of a dead grip and silence on the other side. "We would have accepted you back with joy and love. You are just being selfish. Happy birthday Saria" she said before she cut the line and I let the phone slide off my hand and slopped on the bed crying my eyes out.
