A/N: I know, it's not very long, but I haven't had a lot of time to write since it was almost the end of school and everything gets busy then but THANK THE SWEET BABY JESUS I'm now on half term, so I should be writing and updating a lot more. That sounds familiar. Whatever. Thanks to all those who haven't given up or stopped reading this, you're fucking awesome.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognisable.
LIZ'S POV
Fuck.
Just, fuck.
I- I ju- it's-
Nothing.
I had nothing.
I shouldn't have done that. With Zoey. I should've trusted him.
But I didn't.
Fuck.
I wouldn't know where to start thinking about fixing this.
Maybe I can't fix this.
Maybe I shouldn't.
Maybe this is a sign. We weren't meant to be.
Goddammit, I sure as hell wish 'not meaning to be' didn't hurt this goddamned much.
It actually hurt.
Not my heart, or whatever. It was my lungs. They burned.
Remember the first time you tried a cigarette? Come on, we've all done it. One puff and I opted out, though. It was like that. A million times worse. It was like I was breathing in volcanic ash or something. The air everywhere seemed thick and impure and everything was foggy. It affected my brain. I had to think for at least thirty seconds before I could tell the cab driver my address.
So now my Uber guy thinks I'm a complete nutcase because I'm in the back just gasping for air and forgetting where I live.
Great.
When we pulled up at my house, I stumbled out and payed him an unknown amount of money.
I felt like I was drunk.
Everything was fuzzy but the colours were somehow brighter and the world was spinning and I had to fight the urge to laugh so hard. The sky was so perfect. It was like a slap in the face.
I somehow got in, walking past my mother with a dazed smile on my face without a word. She probably now things I'm a stoner. Fabulous. If she asked me, I wouldn't be able to tell her why I was smiling. Everything just seemed so fucking unbelievable.
I just sat on my bed, just appreciating the fact that I'd just screwed up one of the most amazing things that had ever happened to me.
When I was younger, I used to think that people were bullshitting about love. They would get all mushy and whatever, and I would stand there listening to them marvelling at how far their head was up their ass. It just seemed stupid to me. Broadway was amazing. Getting to perform, and everything. It just filled me with this... Happiness. I thought that I'd only ever need that.
And then Avan came along and kind of slapped that theory in the face.
Any happiness I'd felt with performing was a thousand times smaller than the happiness I'd feel with Avan.
Singing? Great.
Singing with Avan? Perfect.
Anything with Avan was perfect. Doing community service with Avan would be perfect. Picking up dog shit with Avan would be perfect, for fucks sake.
And everything without Avan is kind of not perfect.
Fuck, this hurt.
I just needed something to stop the pain.
Pfft, imagine going into a drugstore and asking for that.
'Excuse me, I just broke up with my boyfriend and now my lungs burn, do you have anything for that?'
Yeah, no.
But it really, really hurt. I wish it would stop. Maybe if it stopped I could forget how much I'd just cocked things up.
No, actually. I hadn't just cocked things up, I'd ended things.
I wanted to have an argument with someone. I wanted to stand there screaming 'it's not my fault!' or something, until I made them believe me. The worst part? It is my fault.
And there isn't even anyone there to have an argument with, anyway.
How do you fix this?
I'd just lost all trust I had with him. I'd just completely smashed up the foundations of our relationship - of any relationship. I knew I was meant to trust him, I just couldn't. I was too cynical, too dark for him.
I don't think I was good for him.
I wasn't loving enough, I wasn't good-hearted enough. I wasn't trusting enough.
I wanted to have an answer. I wanted to be able to assess the situation, and come up with a solution.
I couldn't do that.
Jesus, this- this-
It goddamned hurt.
I realised I hadn't been breathing for around two minutes, so took in a massive strangled choke/breath/cry/sob.
It wasn't a pretty sound.
I wasn't meant to be this beat up about it. I think I knew long ago that he would finally pull his head out of his ass and move on to someone better, but I didn't think that I would be so- so- so STUPID as to actually drive him away.
I let out another strangled sob, and apparently it was loud enough for my mom to hear and so she came to check on me.
I was surprised when she came to hug me instead of calling a mental hospital - I mean, what would you do if you walked in on someone sat rigid on the end of their bed with a death grip on the bed frame, gasping and choking whilst smiling creepily and not even crying?
I would probably call a mental hospital.
"Baby, Lizzy, what's the matter?" She said. Usually, I would burst into ugly hysterics at the sound of her soothing voice, but I just sat there like a freaking robot.
"Lizzy, come on, talk to me. Baby, please." I gathered the shredded remains of my brain enough to speak.
"Um, Avan and I just broke up."
"Lizzy..." She said, pity radiating from her. I hated it from anyone but her, usually. "I'm so sorry."
"Mommy, it hurts." I sounded like a fucking six year old, for fuck's sake. "My chest, it's burning. It hurts so fucking much." I sounded like I smoked sixty a day, my voice was that croaky and broken.
"My girl, I'm so sorry." She said, hugging me tighter and stroking my hair. Avan used to do that when I couldn't sleep. "Did you- or he-"
"Mutual. Neither of us wanted to though. I fucked up." I took in another mutilated breath. "Really badly, mom. I fucked up really fucking badly."
She didn't even bother with my language. God, I love my mom.
"It's okay, Lizzy, it's all going to be okay." I couldn't help but sink again at my mom's words.
"How? How, mom? I fucked up, and he doesn't want to be with a fuck up, and I don't blame him, and there's no trust left, and oh God I have to film with him tomorrow, and mom I- I love him so fucking much-" my voice broke again and refused to let me carry on. Jesus, I'm a mess.
"I know you do, Lizzy. I know. And I promise you, if he truly loves you, I promise, baby, he will come back."
"And what if he doesn't? What do I do then?"
"If he doesn't, then it means that you two weren't meant to be together in the first place. Then, you go out and be the fierce girl with the amazing eyebrows that I know you are." She smiles at me, and I hug her back even tighter. I'm definitely channeling my inner sixteen year old right now.
"Thanks, mama. Love you." I was unnaturally out of character, but hey, I guess that's just what happens when you're heart was just crushed.
"Love you too baby. Don't forget." She kissed my head and left.
I guess... I guess I felt better.
Doesn't change the fact that I was a complete and utter dipshit, though.
A/N: Hey. Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter:
liz-avan
4223marilyn
lovElavan (x3 - you are literally the sweetest)
heartaches
Youdontneedtoknowmyname13
Thank you guys, just so much. So glad that you're still around for the ride :)
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