Crimson Noir Part 1: Gwen's Disappearance
Summary: Gwen Axle had not showed up at school for 5 days straight and others feared that she may be missing. Avery and Kendall, two young students destined to become police officers after taking the career test, took matters into their own hands and with the help of Classic Woody Woodpecker and some of his friends, they set off to look for clues and find Gwen before it's too late.
A/N: The version I'm using for Woody Woodpecker and his friends is the classic (and comic) version (1951-1972) with the exception of Ms. Meany and Wally Walrus being in their current versions (1999-2002). This will be used for all future stories and tales featuring Woody Woodpecker and his friends.
Woody Woodpecker sat on the couch, finishing up a detective novel one evening. The novel is a classic. Too bad they don't make those anymore. While he's finishing up, he notices his niece and nephew, Knothead and Splinter watching an old detective movie that is showing on TV.
"Madame, I know exactly who stole your pearls" said the detective on TV. "It was the maid."
"I confess!" The maid cried. "I couldn't help but to have the pearls all to myself. That is why I put the blame on the butler and I would've gotten away if it weren't for you, Detective Montoya!"
"We all know the maid did it." Knothead told Splinter. "She should've been more intelligent. Otherwise, this whole detective thing would've been lame, just like the show Family Guy."
"Don't ever mention that show Knothead." Woody told Knothead. "I can't stand that horrible show and its horrible characters. Except Meg of course."
"She's a better character than the others." Splinter replied. "I just simply despise Lois for some reason."
"She's a bad mother." Knothead replied. "And she's no worse than that fatass Peter Griffin."
"Although you kids don't like that detective movie," Woody spoke. "I'll tell you a detective story instead."
"Promise it won't be lame?" Knothead asked. "We want it to be exciting and mysterious."
"And not as bad as Family Guy," Splinter replied. "Oh and no random cutaway gags."
"I promise." Woody replied. "In fact, this story is a true story. It all began just a few days ago, in a town called Mellowbrook..."
Monday came as all the sleepy children of Mellowbrook drag their bodies out of their beds and face the fact that they have to go to school. It's what some people called, The Monday Blues. Everyone in the town hated Mondays and can't wait for the day to end. As for the children, they have to do the same routine to go to school up until Friday, the day where all the good things happen.
But in the case of Avery Buttowski and Kendall Perkins, every day is an adventure to them since both of them are now honorary police officers thanks to the career test they got a week ago.
It was 8:20 AM, just a few minutes before school officially started. All the seventh graders and eighth graders are heading to History Class. Their teacher is Mr. Henry Teacherman who may be harsh and tough, but wants what's best for his students. When school started, no one was late, except for Johnny who accidentally overslept for the third time this month. Though it all seems like a full house, only one student, a female eighth grader is absent. Gwen Axle.
"Is Gwen Axle here today?" Mr. Teacherman asked as he did the attendance.
But no reply came from the red-haired girl. Nor had she made her appearance in school today.
"I think she's sick," Gunther wondered.
"Nonsense," Jackie replied. "Who would possibly get sick just to miss out on a quiz?"
Could it be that Gwen Axle is sick? Or that she had some sort of appointment to attend to? Questions filled the students' mind, but they are certain that Gwen would show up tomorrow.
But when Tuesday came, Gwen Axle is still absent. Maybe she caught a flu and is required to stay until she gets better. This was not spoken for again until Friday came when everyone at school are now getting worried about Gwen's whereabouts. If Gwen wasn't sick or had the flu, then what kept her from going to school in the past few days?
Rumors about Gwen spread from a local elementary school to the entire community. Police officers had Kat questioned since they know that she's the elder sister of Gwen. But unfortunately, Kat does not know about Gwen's whereabouts, other than the fact that Gwen didn't came home on Sunday, the day before the school discovered her absence. Several students, teachers and a few close ones were also questioned, but the results aren't always good.
The local police then decided to take into desperate measures, by contacting the FBI. When the FBI heard about a local red-haired girl going missing, they tried searching for answers hoping that they would find the girl's whereabouts, but none are what they're looking for, except one fact. Over the past few weeks, red-haired women all over the USA are beginning to disappear. If their instincts are proven, it could mean that Gwen Axle was the latest red-haired girl to disappear without a trance. But who is behind the disappearance of these women and what sick and twisted plan is the person going to do to the now defenseless women?
"Red-haired women disappearing all over America?" Knothead asked Woody. "If that was true, wouldn't Splinter be missing as well?"
"Nonsense Knothead." Woody replied. "I don't think the person who is behind all that is interested in woodpeckers like us. We just aren't worthy enough for him."
"What if the person is a she?" Splinter asked. "We may never know the gender of that person."
"Well I guess you have a point there Splinter." Woody replied.
"Please continue with the story Uncle Woody."
"Alright ..."
When school is finally over, Avery and Kendall are called down to the police station for a brief meeting. Sound like this meeting is important so it's best for them to focus.
"We police officers of Mellowbrook have gathered round in this ... office to discuss about the disappearance of Gwen Axle!" Officer Irwin spoke in triumph.
"Thank you for reminding them Irwin as I am aware that half of them are asleep." Mack replied as he took over. "While we were questioning a few citizens about Gwen's whereabouts, the FBI has just contacted us and gave us a fact that might be linked to Gwen's disappearance."
"What is the fact?" Kendall asked.
"It seems that over the past few weeks, red-haired women all over the USA are beginning to disappear."
"What does that have to do with the fact that Gwen is missing?"
"If their instincts are true, it could mean that Gwen Axle was the latest red-haired girl to disappear without a trance." Avery responded. "But who is behind all this?"
"Maybe a pervert who has a newfound interest on red-haired women," Winthrop spoke (A/N: a Sly Cooper character that is an otter and appears only in the comics of the video game) while daydreaming about the lovely vixen, Inspector Carmelita Fox.
"A pervert?" Avery replied. "That sounds like Quagmire's doing."
"But Quagmire himself is more interested on Asian women." Kendall told Avery. "Remember the time he tried to kidnap Selena, forcing Brad to rescue her?"
"Yeah I remember that, Kandy." Avery responded.
"Quit calling me that!" Kendall replied angrily to Avery. "I hate it when you call me that."
"Just like how Kick hated it whenever you called him by his real name."
"Yeah well this has nothing to do with Kick. We're talking about Gwen here."
"Good point. Officer Mack."
"Yes?" Mack replied to Avery.
"Did you already question Kat?"
"Yes I have already questioned Kat. She said that Gwen didn't come home on Sunday, the day before the school discovered her absence. However, Kat did mention one thing."
"What?"
"She said that Gwen was about to come home after going to the mall to get some lipsticks for her. But she didn't come home that day."
"Guess I can assume that the mall is pretty crowded and full of danger. Would it be okay if Kendall and I decided to take the case ourselves?"
"Well, since you two did bring Lois back to jail the last time after she made her getaway and that you two have solved more cases than anyone else in this room, I suppose you girls can take over from here."
And that marks the beginning of their adventure. It was 5:00 PM on a Friday night as Avery and Kendall head to the mall to look for clues and more importantly, Gwen. Though this mission seems easy, Avery was the only one who is not in a mood to be at the mall.
"Now first thing's first," Avery spoke to Kendall. "Let's go to the beauty store. That might be where Gwen is last seen on Sunday."
"Can we ask you a question Uncle Woody?" Knothead asked Woody.
"Sure," Woody replied. "But after that, no more interruptions."
"Are you in this story as well?" Splinter asked.
"Well as a matter of fact, yes. Avery and Kendall aren't the only ones who are in Gwen's case ..."
It was 4:45 PM on a Friday night. Woody Woodpecker, private eye detective of Mellowbrook is as usual wrapping things up after solving yet another case. The last case he solved was the case of the missing pearls from Beverly Hills, a place where rich people lived and by God, it's far away from Mellowbrook. The case itself wasn't easy as most of his suspects and witnesses are nothing but snobby people, but at least he solved the case.
With no more cases to solve, Woody picks up an old comic book and starts reading. He had a few good laughs from the comic book, despite the fact that the comic is a few decades old.
Then all of a sudden, someone walked inside his office. Woody stops reading the comic and took a look at his latest client. She was no older than 17 years old with short curly blonde hair. She wore a red summer dress under a brown leather jacket, giving her such a sexy appearance. Woody tries his best not to get distracted by the beauty of his client.
"Are you Woody Woodpecker?" the girl asked. "The private eye detective of Mellowbrook?"
"That's me." Woody replied as he gives his client his trademark laugh. "Who are you?"
"My name's Katrina Axle, but everyone calls me Kat."
"Nice name though. What seems to be the problem?"
"You have to help me Woody." Kat cried. "My little sister Gwen is missing and you've got to find her."
"You got a photo of Gwen?"
Kat pulls out a picture of Gwen from her purse and gives it to Woody. Woody nods before giving it back to Kat.
"Y'know for a young girl like Gwen here, she's pretty cute." Woody said. "When was the last time you seen her?"
"Last Sunday," Kat replied. "She was supposed to come home from the beauty store at the mall, but she didn't come home. I feared that someone kidnapped her."
"Don't worry Kat. I'll find Gwen and bring her home. Ha-ha-ha-HA-ha, ha-ha-ha-HA-ha, ha-ha-ha-HA-ha, hahahahahahaha!"
()()()()()
5:00 PM. Woody starts the case by searching clues at the mall and more specifically, the beauty store. But when he got there, two girls, no older than 13 years old are already inside.
"Now first thing's first, let's go to the beauty store." Woody heard a brunette girl spoke to the blonde girl. "That might be where Gwen is last seen on Sunday."
"But Avery, Gwen might have gone home." the blonde girl replied.
"Kendall. Gwen hasn't shown up for five days straight. How could she have gone straight home if she is absent for five days straight? Even Kat admitted that Gwen wasn't even home."
"Well I guess you're right Gwen."
"I hate to interrupt you girls," Woody said as he walks up to Avery and Kendall. "But are you two also planning to find Gwen?"
"Who are you and how would you know about this case?" Avery asked Woody. "This is honorary police business."
"I'm Woody Woodpecker, private eye detective. I am also on this case."
"By whom?"
"Katrina Axle."
"Couldn't she just report it to the police?" Kendall asked.
"She said she was going to but apparently, most police officers that she knows aren't always focused on cases like this. She felt that only detectives get to handle this case. So, who are you guys?"
"I'm Kendall Perkins, class president of Mellowbrook Elementary." Kendall said proudly.
"Kendall Perkins eh?" Woody replied. "Are you still hating that Kick Buttowski kid and giving him a hard time?"
"That was in the past. He and I are sort of in a relationship now."
"Kendall and Kick sitting in the tree!" Avery teased Kendall. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"Knock it off Avery." Kendall said to Avery.
"Just doing it for the readers. You know how much the fans supported this relationship." Avery looks at Woody. "Speaking of relationships how's the relationship with Winnie?"
"Uh," Woody's words are lost as he tries to speak. "It's a long story."
"Let me guess," Kendall smirked. "She broke up with you?"
Woody nods slowly.
"What happened?" Avery asked.
"I was at the mall getting a present for Winnie for her birthday three years ago," Woody told his story. "As I was leaving, a pretty, red-haired woman who wore an aqua shirt, beige pants and red slippers approaches before I could get out of the store."
"Isn't she Lois Griffin?"
"Yes that was her. I knew I'd recognize her bitchy appearance. She asked me to have sex with her, but I refuse because I don't want to cheat on Winnie. But Lois didn't give up. Before I could escape, Lois grabbed me and then she kissed me, long enough for Winnie to see and get mad about it."
"What was Winnie's reaction?"
"She was furious. She bruised me real hard until my body is numb and blacked me out by smashing a glass mirror on my head. She then declared that we're through. I tried to apologize to her and tried to tell her my side of the story, but no matter how hard I tried, Winnie would not listen. Sometime later after all of my injuries from Winnie are healed, I then decided to never again trust a woman, no matter how attractive they are."
"You can trust us right?" Kendall asked Woody.
"It'll never be the same." Woody replied. "Even if I trust only one girl, it will still remind me of the breakup."
"Anyway, can you trust us for now?" Avery asked. "At least until the case is finished."
"Alright. I'll trust you girls for now," Woody replied. "But after we find Gwen, we go on our separate ways. Get it?"
"Got it." Kendall replied.
Just then, something caught Avery's eyes. Right behind the counter was the worker of the store all tied up and gagged. Avery can assume that the worker was bounded for a week with no food or water and looks very weak. She had used all of her strength to free herself all week, but hunger and thirst won her over. Avery walks closer to the worker and took of her gag to let the worker gasp for air.
"Thank God!" said the worker after taking a deep breath. "It's been a week since I last took a good breath."
"Can you tell us how you got tied up in the first place?" Woody asked the worker.
"Well it was last Sunday night. A red-haired girl no older than 13 came to the store to buy some lipstick for her older sister. As I was collecting her money after paying for the lipstick, a stranger who wore a fedora and an oversized black coat came. I don't know the gender or the face, but the stranger seemed dangerous as he had a knife in his hand. The red-haired girl and I were scared. The red-haired girl was about to run, but the stranger caught her and held her hostage by placing a knife towards her neck. I tried to call the police but the stranger has friends and as a result, his friends tied me up and gagged me, preventing me from getting help."
"Then what happened afterwards?" Avery asked.
"The stranger and his friends had the red-haired girl captive and they left. But surprisingly, the stranger left this."
The worker pulls out a yellowish paper and gives it to Avery. It reads,
Aerogun Nightclub, the most popular nightclub of Quahog.
"So Gwen is taken to Aerogun Nightclub," Avery spoke. "And it's in Quahog."
"I heard that Quahog is full of mean people," Woody replied. "Even the rich and popular."
"And they're full of retards and dirty sluts." Kendall spoke as well. "All are immoral. Except Meg Griffin of course cause she's nice."
"Well then let's go to Quahog," Avery replied. "To find Gwen Axle."
"Watch out Quahog citizens," Woody spoke. "Because we're giving you a soul injection!"
Bop bopa-a-lu a whop bam boo
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
A whop bop-a-lu a whop bam boo
"What was that?" Woody asked as he heard Little Richard's Tutti Frutti.
"We're listing to Tutti Frutti on the radio," Splinter said as she and Knothead are dancing. "Wanna join us?"
"Well I guess the story can be on hold for now." Woody replied as he too dances with Knothead and Splinter.
Got a girl named Sue, she knows just what to do
Got a girl named Sue, she knows just what to do
She rock to the east, she rocks to the west
But she's the girl that I know best
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
A whop bop-a-lu a whop bam boo
Got a girl named Daisy, she almost drives me crazy
Got a girl named Daisy, she almost drives me crazy
She knows how to love me, yes indeed
Boy, I don't know what you're doing' to me
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
A whop bop-a-lu a whop
As Woody, Knothead and Splinter are dancing, they didn't notice that Buzz Buzzard, a con-man and Wally Walrus, their neighbor joined in on the fun. When they realized it, they just let them dance.
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
A whop bop-a-lu a whop bam boo
Got a girl named Daisy, she almost drives me crazy
Got a girl named Daisy, she almost drives me crazy
She knows how to love me, yes indeed
Boy, I don't know what you're doing' to me
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
Tutti frutti, oh Rudy
A whop bop-a-lu a whop bam boo
"Well that was the best fun I have ever had so far." Wally told Woody.
"Yeah but now, I've got to continue on with the story." Woody said as Knothead and Splinter went back to the couch to hear the story again.
"May we help too?" Buzz asked. "You mind, don't you?"
"I don't mind. Now where we're we?"
"You were telling us about looking for Gwen in Quahog." Knothead told Woody.
"I believe I left that off when that music played. Anyway …"
It was 5:30 PM. Woody, Avery and Kendall took a bus to Quahog in search of Gwen. They stayed really close for fear that one of them may be separated in the big slutty city and never be heard of again. They asked a few people for directions to Aerogun Nightclub, but none took pity of them as they think only about themselves and no one else.
"This stinks!" Avery replied madly. "Everyone in Quahog is immoral and selfish."
"Not everyone." Said a voice that came from the alley.
Woody is able to recognize that voice within minutes. He heard it before but who was that person. As he, Avery and Kendall went to the alley; they saw no one but a grayish anthropomorphic buzzard who wore a plum sweater with a black stripe across, a pair of white gloves, a pair of black pants and a brown-reddish derby.
"Why it's Buzz Buzzard, one of my primary foils," Woody spoke. "What brings you here in Quahog?"
"To get my exact revenge on a certain someone who ruined my life." Buzz replied as he pumps his fists.
"Y-y-you don't mean…"
"That's right, woodpecker. Someone's going to get it, and it's going to be Peter Griffin the fat, disgusting retard!"
"Why Peter?" Kendall asked. "What did he do to you to make you mad?"
"He took everything I loved away years ago. He took my house, my money, my job and my wife who later divorced me just to be with a rich playboy! And that's how I became a con artist."
"Why that no-good fat bastard!" Woody yelled. "Wait 'til I get my hands on him and peck him in the head real hard! Where is he?"
"He went to Aerogun Nightclub. He goes there every night and gets himself drunk, too drunk."
"We're going there as well."
"To get drunk?"
"No, to find Gwen Axle."
"Gwen Axle?"
"Yeah. She got kidnapped by a stranger who wore a fedora and a black coat."
"Have you seen them come this way?" Avery asked Buzz.
"Why yes. Yes I have, but it's been so long, being a con artist for all those years and tricking people into giving me their money sort of drains my intelligence."
"But you're not that dumb." Woody replied. "Sometimes your plans seem to work well. You're a genius at your own world."
"But brains itself wouldn't hurt when living a decent life in adulthood." Kendall barked.
"Hey."
"Pipe it down Kandy!" Avery replied. "We're on a case here."
"But there's something that I should warn you." Buzz spoke again. "Aerogun Nightclub is heavily guarded. Only guests or those that are cool and popular are allowed to enter Aerogun. Those that are losers, like what they think of poor Meg Griffin, are not allowed and if caught while inside will face terrible consequences. One of the most horrible consequences is either death or slavery to other nightclubs worldwide."
"And how would you know that?" Avery asked.
"I should know because one of my brothers was killed when he got caught inside because he is deemed as a loser and my sister, also a loser was put into slavery and is forced to work in a nightclub in Saudi Arabia."
"But you can't join us." Kendall told Buzz. "You're a con artist and we don't want to be scammed by you."
"Please let me join." Buzz dropped to his knees and begged. "I have nowhere else to go but the alley. It's terrible in there."
"Why should we trust you? You're a con artist."
"I know but I only became one because of Peter Griffin. Why if he didn't ruin my life, I'd still have a good home, a good job and a family."
"I guess we should let him join." Woody told Avery and Kendall.
"All in favor of letting Buzz join," Avery spoke. "Say 'aye'."
"Aye!" cried Woody and Avery.
"All opposing say 'nay'."
"Nay." Kendall replied.
"2 against 1," Avery spoke before facing Buzz. "Welcome to the team."
"Great." Buzz replied. "Now my first idea is that the three of you are going to need disguises to look like pretty, popular ladies."
"If we're going to need disguises, how come you don't get to wear one?" Kendall asked.
"One, the guards think that I'm cool because of my derby, two, I go there every day to scam other people into giving me their money in which I use it to buy food later on and three, the loser is able to get inside scot-free when escorted by popular and pretty ladies."
"But how come Woody has to be the lady? He's not even a girl for crying out loud!"
"And that's where the explanation comes. People in Quahog think that male woodpeckers, like Woody are ugly and are considered losers due to the lack of clothing they wear and some people might think that they're freaks. Female woodpeckers on the other hand are considered pretty and cool since most female woodpeckers wore fashionable clothing though sometimes they wear only a skirt."
"Now I know why Woody has to be the third woman of this plan." Avery spoke. "I'll get the dresses."
"There's no need for that. I have spare dresses that you guys can use."
"You're kidding?" Kendall spoke. "You expect us to wear old, dirty clothes."
But Buzz pulls out a big briefcase and when he opens it, the briefcase transforms into a wardrobe filled with stylish clothes worn by the popular.
"Now I stand corrected. Any private spots that Avery and I can use?"
"Try getting changed behind a huge set of clothes." Buzz told Kendall. "Due to me having a lot of clothing that I used to disguise myself, the back of it lacks any open space as I tend to have my wardrobe messy."
Avery and Kendall picked out their dresses of choice and got changed behind the huge sets of clothes. When they're done, Buzz howled like a wolf. Avery wore a sleeveless pink 60s party dress complete with a pair of white disco boots, black tights, a pink flower on her hair and black evening gloves which reached to her elbows. Kendall wore a sleeveless green party dance with a pink stripe across it complete with a pair of pink disco boots, black tights and pink evening gloves which reached to her elbows. She even changed her hairstyle as she made her ponytail higher.
The hard part now is, putting Woody in a dress. To Woody, it shouldn't be hard as he is one of the best drag queens in the world, but to Kendall and Avery, it'll be harder than hard.
"I'll give Woody the proper ladylike disguise." Kendall said as she grabs a red dress and a corset. "We want people to think that Woody is a girl and not a boy."
"I can get the corset on just fine." Woody said.
"No way. You'll do a sloppy job on it. Let me do it."
"But Kendall, Woody is able to do it on his own," Avery told Kendall. "It's not like he doesn't wear clothes all the time."
"But men can tie the corset wrong. That is why I'm tying the corset for Woody to give him the body of a woman."
"Go ahead, but I didn't say I warned you."
Kendall just shrugged as she puts the corset on Woody and ties it real tight. Normally Woody is used to the pain of his ribcages when wearing a tight corset, but since Kendall tied it way too tight, Woody is not used to it. The pain is a hundred times more painful than he used to have. In fact, his ribcages are killing him, making him lose the ability to breathe. And when Kendall puts on the red dress for Woody, not only can't he breathe, he can't move like he used to when wearing a dress.
"Can't … breathe … nor … move." Woody tried to speak.
"I told you not to give him a tight corset!" Avery yelled at Kendall.
"Well I'm sorry but that's the only way we'll be able to get inside the club!" Kendall yelled back.
"That's the second time you almost killed someone. Remember the time when Kick had to disguise himself as a woman and you tied his corset too tight?"
"It's not my fault. I was trying to get his disguise right!"
"But you cut off his oxygen and he almost died. Why did you have to be so reckless with the corset?"
"I'm not that reckless!"
"Uh girls," Buzz spoke.
"WHAT!?" Kendall and Avery yelled.
"Woody just passed out. I think he's dead."
Kendall and Avery turned around and true to Buzz's words, Woody passed out, not breathing.
"Told you so." Avery told Kendall as she loosens up the corset to let Woody breathe again.
"Ah," Woody said as he took a deep breath. "I thought I was a goner."
"That's what we all thought chum," Buzz replied. "Now let's try that again."
"But this time, Woody gets to tie the corset." Avery said as she gives Woody the corset.
"He'll do a sloppy job." Kendall warned.
But despite what Kendall said, Woody ties the corset in the way he remembers when disguising himself as a woman for all those years. It's tight, but not too tight like Kendall did earlier, thus giving him the body of a woman.
"You were saying?" Avery remarked at Kendall.
"I stand corrected." Kendall spoke in a monotone.
Woody then puts on a red dress. Despite the fact that the dress is a little tight and the fact that it limited his ability to move freely, making the dress look like it wrapped his legs together like a mummy, Woody can move from one place to another, albeit a little slower than usual. Then he puts on a pair of black evening gloves that reaches his elbows and wore lipsticks and black mascaras on his eyes. When he is finished, all Buzz could do is howl like a wolf.
"Wow!" Buzz cried. "I can't even tell if you're male or female right now. Your disguise is perfect!"
"Let's get this show on the road." Avery said as the gang left to find Aerogun Nightclub.
()()()()()
It was now 7:00 PM. Aerogun Nightclub shines a great light in the twilight sky. But behind the great light, there was darkness inside. Workers and guests inside such a great light all have darkness possessed in their bodies. A line of people, wannabee teenagers and adults, young bitches and old perverts, wait in line to gain access inside the nightclub. But as usual, not a lot of people in line can get access inside despite their attempts to be cool and popular from being bitches to the less popular to wearing fashionable yet popular clothes to hide their real images.
"Access denied!" a muscular guard told a nerd boy who wore a disco outfit.
"Aw c'mon." whined the nerd boy. "Can't you just let me in?"
"No. You're a loser and your outfit stinks."
"This sucks." The nerd boy walked away. "I should've been home by now, playing World of Warcraft."
As the guard looks at his clipboard, he saw Buzz Buzzard who wore a green tux waiting to gain access. What the guard saw that was different is that he had three beautiful girls, one woodpecker and two humans, with him, all dressed in sexy outfits.
"Name?" the guard asked Buzz.
"Buzz Buzzard." Buzz replied.
"You're not on the guest list."
"Would you still give me access to get inside if I have three beautiful women with me?"
"Well I suppose I could, though I have to admit, they're really cool and pretty at the same time. Access granted."
Buzz gives the guard five bucks as he and the three ladies went inside the nightclub.
"Nice work Buzz." Avery whispered to Buzz.
"Don't mention it." Buzz whispered back. "Let's go find Gwen and the stranger."
But the task is harder than it looks. The nightclub is packed with cool and popular people. How will they find Gwen and the stranger now?
"How will we find them?" Kendall asked. "The place is packed!"
"We'll split up and find them quicker." Avery suggested.
"But the worst that could happen is that one of you could end up bumping in Quagmire who is a sick pervert and rapist." Buzz warned. "And I really don't want either one of you to get raped by him."
"We know that," Avery told Buzz. "I know Kendall and I have encountered him in the past, but we certainly don't want Quagmire to think Woody is really a girl even though Woody hasn't met Quagmire before."
"Agreed." Woody replied.
"So do we stay close?" Buzz asked.
"If we're going to cover more ground and find Gwen before something bad happens to her, it's best that we split up." Avery said one more time.
Everyone agreed as they split up to find Gwen. Along the way, they even ask other people a few questions but atlas, their search for answers have yet to be found. Woody had a little trouble along the way as many men are eying him as if they want to have sex with him. No man in Quahog had even seen a female woodpecker as beautiful as the desert flower. Despite their attempts to impress such a beautiful woodpecker, Woody managed to get away.
But who did he accidently bump into? Quagmire.
He eyed Woody with lust. That female woodpecker is fairer and more beautiful than other female woodpeckers. In fact, the female woodpecker is a lot sexier than any human female. He wants to have sex with the woodpecker. Badly.
"Hey there cutie," Quagmire said to Woody. "I'm Quagmire. What's your name?"
So this is Quagmire that the others were talking about. Woody thought as he studied Quagmire. He sure looks like a pervert to me.
"Speechless eh? How about we have some alone time together?"
Seriously? Woody gave Quagmire a frown. Does he not notice that I'm a male woodpecker?
"No." Woody answered Quagmire's question while trying to sound more feminine.
But before Woody could get away, Quagmire grabs Woody's arm real hard and pull him closer to him, his eyes becoming lustful in seconds.
"You can't resist the good-looking Quagmire." Quagmire spoke softly to Woody. "We're gonna have a party! Giggity, giggity, giggity."
Woody tries to get himself free, but Quagmire, despite being a little skinny, has an iron grip. Having no other choice, Woody gives out a woodpecker scream that caught Kendall and Avery's attention.
"Uh oh," Avery told Kendall. "Woody's in trouble."
"And it looks like Quagmire had gotten to him." Kendall replied.
"We better save Woody from getting raped."
"Agreed."
"Wait, you were captured by Quagmire?" Knothead asked Woody.
"I've got the mark on my arm to prove it." Woody replied. "Wanna see it?"
"I'm good."
"Then what happened?" Splinter asked. "Did you and the gang find Gwen?"
But before Woody could respond, he felt a pain in the stomach. He quickly got up and went to the bathroom.
"While Woody's occupied, I'll take over." Buzz said as he sits on the couch.
"What happened next?" Splinter asked Buzz.
"While Kendall and Avery are busy rescuing Woody from Quagmire …"
Buzz tried his hardest to find both the stranger and Gwen but to no avail. As he finds a spare table to sit down, he noticed Ms. Meany, wearing a hideous outfit and serving refreshments to the guests.
"Ms. Meany." Buzz said to Ms. Meany. "What brings you here in such a horrible city like Quahog?"
"I don't have time to answer your question buzzard!" Ms. Meany replied in a grouchy tone. "I'm on duty here!"
"Well if you don't mind, as a customer, I demand some service."
"What will you have sir?"
"Iced tea if you please."
"Coming right up."
As Ms. Meany jots down Buzz's order, Buzz noticed a nerdy boy spraying perfume all over him. He looks excited. A wolf ready to pounce on an unexpected lamb.
"What's up with him?" Buzz asked Ms. Meany.
"Oh you'll get used to it." Ms. Meany replied. "That boy never misses a night. Especially when Marilyn Buttowski performs."
"So he's got a thing for daredevils huh?"
"Quite so."
"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for." Spoke the announcer. "Please welcome the queen of swing, Marilyn Buttowski!"
The lights dim as the spotlight shines on the curtains. The curtains open to reveal a beautiful woman who had a reddish-brown afro, indigo eyes and tanned skin. She wore a purple gown complete with white evening gloves that reaches her elbows.
Marilyn: You had plenty of money in 1922.
You let other women make a fool of you.
Why don't you do right,
like some other men do?
Get out of here,
get me some money too.
Buzz was speechless. He had never seen a Buttowski woman so beautiful before.
"She's a Buttowski?" Buzz whispered to Ms. Meany.
"Yeah." Ms. Meany whispered back. "What a lucky girl."
Marilyn: You're sitting down and wondering what it's all about.
If you ain't got no money, they will put you out.
Why don't you do right,
like some other men do?
Get out of here,
get me some money too.
Now if you had prepared 20 years ago.
You wouldn't be a wandering now from door to door.
Why don't you do right,
like some other men do?
Get out of here,
get me some money too.
Get out of here,
get me some money too.
Why don't you do right, like some other men…
Marilyn walks up to Buzz, who can only watch as she went closer to his beak.
Marilyn: … do?
Marilyn walks back up to stage as the crowd applauds. Buzz is so in love with Marilyn. But how can he get her to love him?
"This has nothing to do with the story, you buzzard-brain." Wally barked at Buzz. "It doesn't make any sense."
"Oh come on Wally." Knothead replied. "Think of it as a side story. You've got to admit that was pretty cool. Right Buzz? Buzz?"
But what Knothead, Splinter and Wally saw was Buzz floating in the air going all lovesick.
Buzz: You had plenty of money in 1922.
You let other women make a fool of you.
Why don't you do right,
like some other men do?
"He sure does love that Marilyn woman." Splinter told Knothead.
"I just can't wait to see Woody's reaction when he gets out of the bathroom." Knothead replied.
And when Woody got out of the bathroom, what the others saw were bits of green ectoplasm coming from his beak.
"Ectoplasm sickness?" Wally questioned Woody.
"Ectoplasm sickness." Woody replied the same thing. "Now where were we?"
"We were just at the part where you got captured by Quagmire, only for Buzz to tell his side story instead and then going lovesick in the air."
"I feel like I'm in heaven." Buzz said.
"Okay let's get back down to earth buzzard!" Woody said as he pulls Buzz back to the ground. "The story's not going to wait any longer."
"Agreed."
Woody had tried whatever he can to get help, but … he just can't do it. He's tied up and gagged in one of the nightclubs' private room where people usually have their alone time together. He thought for sure that he's going to get raped by Quagmire and this is going to haunt him for the rest of his life. He's a male woodpecker for crying out loud. He's certain that Avery, Kendall and Buzz are having a hard time trying to find him, and he's also certain that for whatever reason, his ex-girlfriend wouldn't even care if he got raped by a pervert. If Lois hasn't showed up out of the blue and kissed him in public, none of this would've ever happened.
How could he let his guard down whenever a woman is around? It made him feel stupid and weak. Sure he's used to having seven older sisters, but that's a different story. They're not like those girls who would just dump their normal boyfriends so that they can spend more time together with rich, handsome playboys who are only interested in having fun. His ex-girlfriend, Winnie however is one of those girls. She dumped him, because she saw him kissing with Lois even though Woody tried to escape from her wrath, and then left him so that she can go straight to Wellsley, another woodpecker whom Winnie thinks is a better man than Woody would ever be. Although most of this situation is his own fault, Woody, unlike previous situations, would not even go that far to get Winnie to forgive him. It had happened in the past, but now, the table has turned.
Once he gets out of this mess alive, raped or not, he's never going to forgive Winnie nor would he trust another girl for the rest of his life. He doesn't care if he sees a girl cry, or if another would try to win his affection. He's not going to trust girls. Ever.
"Are we ready to get this show on the road doll face?" Woody hears Quagmire from the bathroom.
Woody tries struggling from the ropes to escape from Quagmire, but it was no use. Quagmire tied the knots pretty well. It's hopeless. He's going to get raped by Quagmire, by force. He couldn't run away. He couldn't even scream for help.
There's only one thing left to do when trying to escape from a rapist. Escape by hopping his way out, tied up or not. He saw the opened door. Quagmire is still in the bathroom. Now's his chance. Woody squirmed to get himself up on his feet, his hands still bounded and the tight red dress that limited his ability to move fast. He began hopping. Hopping to the opened door.
Woody could feel freedom but just as he only an inch away from the door, his right arm, though still bounded got trapped. He recognized that iron grip, the same grip that is most likely to cut off the circulation of one's arm than a regular rope would do. Woody had a sudden shiver. He knew what is going to happen next and he's not going to escape from it sooner or later.
"What's the hurry babe?" Quagmire smirked as he placed a bounded Woody on the bed. "We're just getting started. Giggity."
Woody could not believe what he just saw. Quagmire wore nothing but his trademark jaguar underwear. He feels sick. He wants to throw up immediately, but just remembered that he is gagged. What could he do? He can't run, hop, or scream his way out of here. His beak is jammed tight. Beak. That's it.
Drag queen or not, Woody is still a woodpecker. As Quagmire makes his attempts to give out a kiss, Woody pecks Quagmire in the eye. Quagmire cried in pain as he backs away from Woody. Using the chance he had, Woody then proceeds to peck the ropes off of him within minutes and then, took off his gag.
"Free at last!" Woody cried as he escapes from Quagmire where all of a sudden, he bumps into Avery and Kendall.
"Woody!" Kendall cried as she hugs him tight. "You're alright!"
"Did Quagmire rape you?" Avery asked.
"He almost did." Woody replied. "Any news about the case?"
"We saw the stranger, but we didn't see Gwen." Kendall replied. "But you should've seen the fight between him and Avery."
"I may have lost the battle, but I've gathered enough information that will lead us straight to Gwen, wherever she is held in." Avery replied.
"What information?" Kendall asked Avery.
"If my instincts are true, Gwen is mostly likely taken in to Baton Rouge, her old home."
"But that's miles away from Quahog. Plus we don't even know where that is."
"Uh, I hate to interrupt but," Woody spoke. "Has anyone seen Buzz recently?"
()()()()()
Backstage, Buzz saw a nerdy boy, the same one with the perfume, knocking at the stage door where he thought that might be where Marilyn, the sexy singer would be right now.
"Who is it?" Buzz heard Marilyn's voice behind the stage door.
"Your biggest fan." The nerdy boy replied. "I brought gifts."
"Again with the gifts? Have I told you that I am beyond your age? I am in no mood for quality time right now. Come back tomorrow."
The nerdy boy left and at the same time, Buzz took over from here. A part of him wanted to tell Marilyn that he's in love with her, but the other part is telling him that he need to ask her a few questions about Gwen. Buzz was nervous because he never had the nerve to make a woman love him. He is used to getting rejected by women a lot. But without hesitation, Buzz knocks on Marilyn's door.
"Who is it?" Marilyn's voice was heard.
"Umm…a buzzard who has a couple of questions to ask." Buzz replied.
"The same buzzard with the green tux and the cute derby?"
"That's the one."
"Come in."
Buzz opens the door and went inside Marilyn's room. Buzz felt nervous. A woman had never accepted Buzz's offer before. Let's just hope that he doesn't screw things up.
"Care to tell me your name?" Marilyn asked.
"It's ... Buzz Buzzard." Buzz replied, sweating. "I have some questions to ask."
"Ask away Buzz. I can wait all day."
"I was wondering if you have seen someone earlier. He wore a fedora and an oversized black coat "
"That stranger whose face is hidden beneath the darkness. Yes I have seen the stranger. But how would you know that the stranger is a he?"
"Are you saying that the stranger might be female? Like Lois Griffin?"
Marilyn gave Buzz a shocked look. Buzz is sure that Marilyn would slap him in the face, but Marilyn didn't do anything.
"Do me a favor and never mention that name to me." Marilyn told Buzz, looking serious. "I hate that woman."
"Is there a reason?" Buzz asked.
"I have an endless list of reasons, but I'll go with just a few. Lois is a bitch to everyone, even Meg, whom I think is more beautiful and nicer than Lois would ever be."
"I also hate that woman. She's the reason why Woody got dumped by Winnie for no reason."
"Plus Lois is irresponsible. She's lazy, unfit to be a mother, broke too many laws, and is spoiled rotten like a rich girl."
"Yep. She thinks she owns the world but she isn't the queen of the world anyway. Anyway next question. Did the stranger had a 13-year old red-haired girl with the stranger?"
"The girl who is also known as Gwen Axle?"
"How did you know that?"
"Instincts my good buzzard. And I'm sorry but the darkness came without a light."
"Oh."
"But the stranger did give out a few information about Gwen's whereabouts to two young girls. I believe one of them is my cousin Avery."
"Hey I know Avery. Dang I totally forgot about them. I hope they're alright."
"You better go back to them, if you want to find the light."
"I will Marilyn. I will."
But as Buzz was about to leave, a walrus was blocking his way. Buzz knew who this walrus is exactly from the top of his head.
"Wally Walrus?" Buzz cried. "What are you doing here?"
"I work here Buzzard!" Wally shouted. "And I can see that you're bothering Miss Marilyn."
"No he wasn't my good walrus." Marilyn corrected Wally. "He was only here to ask questions."
"And now I'm leaving to find Avery, Kendall and Woody before Quagmire gets his raping hands on either one of them." Buzz said as he walks away.
"Alright, but I'm keeping my eyes on you." Wally told Buzz. "Plus I'm going to follow you, just in case you've got some tricks up on your sleeves."
Buzz sighed as he made his way through the crowd and not a moment too soon, he saw Avery, Kendall and Woody.
"Where were you?" Kendall asked Buzz. "You almost ditched us."
"I was with one of Avery's family members." Buzz replied. "Her name's Marilyn."
"Did you get a chance to see the stranger and Gwen?" Avery asked.
"No, but Marilyn told me that you know where the stranger and Gwen might be."
"Right. The stranger is going straight to Baton Rouge where Gwen is being held there."
"But none of us know where Baton Rouge is." Woody replied.
"But I do." Wally replied with a smile on his face.
"Will you take us there?" Kendall asked.
"Just because I know where Baton Rouge is, doesn't mean that I should take the four of you there." Wally replied with an angry tone. "I'm not wasting my time to do that and nothing can change my mind."
But all of a sudden, the boss of the nightclub approaches Wally.
"Mr. Walrus," the boss spoke to Wally. "I'm going to inform you that you are smuggling illegal drugs in your car and that it is going to be impounded and sold for auction."
"I was not smuggling illegal drugs!" Wally shouted. "I don't even know what you're talking about. And you can't do that to my car!"
"Just for that, you're fired. Oh and good luck trying to get another job."
"What makes you say that?"
"The police are going to look for you. Try to get out of that alive."
The boss left, leaving Wally speechless and shocked. At the same time, Quagmire approaches with a black eye, and a roll of bondage tape.
"Thought you can escape me, eh babe?" Quagmire spoke to Woody lustfully. "This time we won't have any more interruptions. I'm gonna wrap you up like a mummy and we're gonna have a party together, whether you like it or not."
"Try this on for size pervert!" Woody shouted as he pecks Quagmire's nose multiple times.
"Ow that's smart!" Quagmire cried as he felt his nose.
At the same time, Woody, Kendall, Avery and Buzz make a run for it. They went pass suspicious people and made it out of Aerogun Nightclub in one piece.
"Oh dear," Woody said as he looks at the clock. "It's past bedtime. You kids better get some sleep."
"Will you be continuing the story tomorrow?" Knothead asked.
"We want to know how it ends." Splinter replied.
"Sure thing. After school."
Knothead and Splinter then went upstairs and went to bed. Buzz and Wally left the house as Woody also goes to bed. The story will be resumed tomorrow afternoon.
To be continued…
