A/N: Hello, lovely readers! So many of you have sent me words of encouragement during my muse's vacation, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for sticking with me.
A ride on Paul's back to my lovely prereaders, Keye and Sandy, for their never-ending support and friendship. Little known sekret: I mainline Sandy's screams. I highly recommend it!
A bouquet of Edward's wildflowers to my awesomesauce betas, Katmom and SassySue (chayasara), for their kick-ass beta skillz. Luckiest author evah.
Chapter 26
~Don't Romeo My Juliet~
Suggested Listening:
Bedshaped~ Keane
Let Me Go ~Avril Lavigne
Destiny~ Zero 7
You'll follow me back
with the sun in your eyes
and on your own
bedshaped and legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
and up we'll go
in white light
~Keane
~*Izzy*~
Carlisle's answer was a slam to the gut. I wrapped an arm around my middle and fought not to retch. "No, no, no," I chanted softly, falling to my knees at the side of the bed. I grabbed Edward's hand, but it remained still and lifeless against his thigh, unable to be pried away even with my new-found strength. "What happened to him?"
"Are you sure—"
I glared at him. "Jesus, Carlisle! I'm abso-fucking-lutely, posi-fucking-tively sure I want to know why the love of my life is lying here on a shrine! Start. Talking. Don't hold back."
"Very well. Edward thought you were dead. Your eyes remained open . . . blood trickled from your nose and mouth. He couldn't detect your faint heartbeat over the cell phone. There were too many of them for him to fight off, and he'd sent all the wolves after you. We—Alice—saw what was happening as soon as he sent the wolves away, but it was much too late. We tried, but by the time we arrived, they'd . . . dismembered him." Carlisle choked up on his own words. He moved to the foot of the bed where I could see his bowed head in my peripheral vision, but I still never took my eyes off Edward. "My beloved son. They'd started a fire, intending to burn his body. We killed every last one of them and tossed them on their own pyre."
I gave up on Edward's hand and stroked my fingers down his bare arm. "They tore my Edward apart?" The question asked in a tentative, lost little girl voice ripped into me in a way I'd never experienced.
"It's the worst thing I've ever seen. We . . . gathered him up and brought him home. I pieced him back together, using venom to fuse the connections, but he'd lost too much of his own venom. The healing process progressed to a certain point and came to a standstill."
"There must be something you can do! Doesn't his venom replenish?"
"If he were feeding, yes."
"He hasn't fed?"
"I've tried opening his mouth and forcing the blood in. His throat is closed—the blood just pools in his mouth and pours out the sides."
Something in Carlisle's tone caused me to look up at him. The sheer agony on his face was plain. He'd been hiding it so well, but it was raw and ugly and soul deep. It seemed I'd forgotten how much Carlisle and the rest of the Cullens loved and needed Edward, too.
"What else aren't you saying? I want it all." My tone gentled, but I was still determined and attempting to wash the taste of my previous words away.
"I really have nothing to compare this to, you understand. I've never seen a vampire in that many pieces put back together. We were fairly optimistic at the beginning, but there's one factor I feel plays a large part."
"What's that?"
"He thought you were dead. If he knew you were alive when he went down . . ."
"You think he could have fought his way back."
Carlisle nodded. "Possibly. If he felt there was a reason."
I slapped a hand over my mouth and turned back to Edward. This is all my fault. Edward is like this because of me. It felt as though my chest ripped open, and guilt slithered into the ragged hole, taking up weighty residence. My mouth worked, but I had no more words.
Carlisle moved to the side of the bed and laid a gentle hand on my shoulder. "We made the decision not to tell you as a family. We took what we felt Edward would have wanted and what we felt was best for your recovery into consideration. I'm no empath, but I can feel the guilt pouring off you right now."
Tears scalded my cheeks, and I stared at the angel on the bed, wishing it weren't so. A fault-line inside me cracked wide, threatening to swallow soul and sanity. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. Our journey could not end this way; I couldn't bear it if it did.
"Leave me." When Carlisle stood silently, I raised my voice. "I need to be alone with him. You owe me this."
I expected Carlisle to offer some kind of warning or platitude, but he retreated so silently, I didn't realize right away he was gone.
Letting out a deep breath, I climbed onto the bed beside Edward, chasing colorful blooms across the duvet and onto the floor. The flowers were hours fresh. Alice must be replacing them often. The cloy of their fragrance interfered with what I sought—Edward's sweet essence—and I spent some time pushing the rest to the floor.
When I finally lay beside him, I found his mouthwatering scent diluted. It wasn't just the flowers but the lack of venom circulating through him that dampened his essence. I bit the inside of my cheek in an effort not to cry again. I stroked my fingers over his frozen chest and nuzzled my nose against his ear.
"I'm here, boyscout. James didn't get me that day. I weakened the bastard, and Paul tore him apart. It took me seven months to wake up, weeks of physical therapy to walk, and a sleepwalk out in the snow to realize the family's been lying to me." I pressed a kiss to the hard, cold skin of his neck. "Maybe they meant well, but they had no right to keep us apart. You have to hear me. Please. Open those beautiful golden eyes for me. See me. I'll never leave you again." I ghosted my fingers across his slightly parted stone lips and traced the dark shadows beneath his closed lids.
Nothing. No response.
I kissed him, the rasp of my viper bites against his lip the only sound in the room. My heart clenched, rebelling against the unresponsive feel of his mouth under mine.
"Damn it, Edward! Wake up! I love you. I want to be yours forever."
Silence.
"That's the way you want to play it, huh?" I slid back to his side and snuggled against him as best I could, with my cheek resting on his chest and my arm slung over his torso. "It sucked waking up from a seven-month coma. If Carlisle hadn't given me venom treatments, I would have died. I'm stronger now. My hearing is primo, sight enhanced, and my life span is longer. It's really hard to give a shit without you by my side. I've been fighting the depression and anger as hard as I can. But now, seeing you like this . . . There must be a way."
Eventually, I fell asleep curled against him . . . and dreamed.
The dip of the mattress startled me awake. I gasped and opened my eyes, struggling to hold onto the last vestiges of my dream as it slipped away. There was something important entangled in the gossamer web.
A cool hand swept over my forehead. "It's okay, Izzy. I didn't mean to startle you."
Alice. Not Edward.
I pushed up to a sitting position, leaning away from her touch. "You didn't. I'm fine."
Alice tilted her head, staring back me with uncertainty in her dark eyes. "Paul is still waiting outside for you. I can't see anything, but you should get back to the abbey before the nuns get worried."
"Yeah, I should. I'm coming back later. Don't try to stop me from seeing him."
Alice smiled sadly. "There's no point in that now. The damage is already done."
I bristled. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You know the truth, and it's life-altering. Just promise me you won't spend the rest of your days pining for him."
I snorted and stroked Edward's arm, still warm from my body. "You know I can't do that."
"Edward wouldn't want you to waste your life."
"That I can promise. I won't waste my life."
"Good."
"Where's everyone else? Why haven't they come to see me?"
Alice's head drooped, her hands twisting together in her lap. "They couldn't face you without giving our secret away." She grabbed my arm and looked into my eyes earnestly. "We all love you. You are family to us, and nobody meant you harm."
"I know, but it still hurts." I looked away from her, back to Edward. He remained frozen in time; all my whisperings and pleadings had done nothing. "Why can't he hear me? I thought my presence might make a difference." I struggled not to feel slighted, rejected.
"He might be too far gone. We tried to talk to him at the beginning, tell him you were alive, but he never moved a muscle. What venom remained inside him combined with the venom Carlisle spread over the wounds only did so much, and then all progress stopped."
"What have you seen?"
Alice's features twisted with grief. "That's just it—Edward's future is a vacuum, a black hole."
"Even when the wolves are gone?"
"Always. Jasper's never been able to detect any emotion from him, either. For what it's worth to you, Iam sorry—about everything."
I placed a hand on her arm. "He would never blame you for any of this, Alice. I don't, either."
"Thank you, Izzy." Her lips curved into a slight smile, but her eyes remained bleak.
"You still feel responsible, don't you?"
"I always will."
I left the Cullens' house numb and shell-shocked. Goodbyes were exchanged, and my legs carried me across the icy front yard to the tree line where Paul waited.
Alice walked with me and lifted me onto Paul's back. "Be sure to hold on tight, Izzy." Then she stepped back and addressed Paul. "She's had a bit of a shock and might not talk for a while. She'll be all right in time. Thanks for taking such good care of her."
Paul chuffed in return and then started into the forest.
I was returning to the abbey a mere shell of the girl who'd snuck out hours ago.
As Alice predicted, I didn't speak on the way back but simply hugged Paul's warm fur. The icy air did nothing to pull me from within, and I barely noticed the terrain going by. Something inside me was irrevocably ravaged, and I had no desire to grip the sides of the gaping wound and snug it back together.
When we reached the edge of the trees, I looked longingly across the field at the abbey—its stone structure so serene and secure. The windows were dark with the exception of one at the right rear of the building, glowing with soft light.
Paul let me down, the frigid air depleting his residual warmth almost immediately. I grabbed onto a nearby tree and closed my eyes.
A few seconds later, Paul's warm breath bathed my ear. "Baby, you okay?" His hand slid tenderly along the side of my neck, and bile rose in the back of my throat.
I shook my head and pulled away. "Don't."
"Don't what? Touch you?" The hurt in his voice bit into me.
"No, Paul. Comfort me. Don't comfort me. I don't deserve it." I dropped my head into my hands. My forehead was dry and hot. My eyes stung both from the cold and from crying.
Paul got in my face; I felt his hot expulsion of breath against my skin. "That's bullshit! I don't know anybody who's gone through more than you—or come as far. Why are you talking like this? What the fuck happened in there?"
I lifted my head, opened my mouth, and the words froze in my throat. "I—I can't. Please just get me back to the abbey."
Paul scooped me into his arms, and I prayed nobody watched from behind any of the darkened windows as a half-naked man carried me across the field. I hugged his neck and burrowed my face there, not wanting to see the once pristine snowscape reduced to muddied slush. It reminded me too much of my life and the resultant mountain of regrets.
Paul deposited me on my feet by the back door without a word. He gazed down at me with concern in his dark eyes but maintained his silence, cupping my cheek for a brief moment.
"I'll call for you," I whispered. "Soon, okay? Don't go too far. I'm going to need you for what comes next."
There were so many questions in his eyes, but he simply nodded and took off.
I turned into the darkness and felt my way along the hall with my fingers trailing the stone wall. Although the temperature was kept on the cool side in the abbey, I suddenly felt hot; sweat slid down my spine and dotted my forehead. As soon as I found the door to my room, I shucked off my parka, allowing it to fall to the floor.
The room tilted before me. Falling to my knees, I grabbed for the garbage can and retched into it over and over. Even after there was nothing left, the spasms continued. I finally swiped the back of my hand over my mouth and collapsed to the cool stone floor. The creak of the rocking chair startled me, and I glanced up to see a dark shape rise.
"Sister Mags?" I croaked.
"Yes, dear." She came to me, offering an arm to lean on.
I rose to my feet and stumbled to the bed. "What are you doing here in the dark?"
"I thought you might need a friend when you returned."
I lay back against the pillows, and she perched on the edge of the bed and placed a cool hand on my forehead. "You knew I was gone?"
"Of course."
"Am I in much trouble?"
Sister Magdalene laughed. "This isn't parochial school, Izzy. You're free to come and go as you like. There really isn't a need to sneak about."
A wry smiled touched my lips. "Old habits? Sorry."
"I'd love to hear about your . . . friend. Is he practicing for a polar plunge?"
"Oh, God." I covered my eyes. "Don't ask."
"Something big happened."
Her quiet words brought the tears on as an avalanche of guilt buried me all over again. My body shook under the effort to contain the sobs, and Sister Magdalene waited patiently as always.
"It's my fault he's gone. More my fault than I originally thought. I don't think I can bear it."
She was quiet for a few moments before she said, "Then don't."
I lifted my head, but I couldn't find her eyes in the darkness, just her shape. "What?"
"Don't bear it. Act."
"What makes you think I can change anything?"
"Can't you? Isn't that what all this agonizing is about? You lack belief in yourself right now." Sister Magdalene grabbed my hand and squeezed firmly. "I believe in you, Izzy."
"Y-you do?"
"Absolutely."
"But you don't even know what I have to do."
"I don't need to—I have faith."
"In . . . me?"
"Oh, yes! Whatever needs doing, I know you can make it happen."
"I'm glad somebody knows it because I've never been so devastated in my life. I think—I'm not sure I'll make it back here. If not, will you be sure Dr. Cullen gets my belongings?"
"I will." She hesitated a moment. "Izzy, would you like me to pray with you?"
Relief washed over me, producing sudden peace. "Yes, I would."
~*IWiPB*~
A few hours later as the light of Christmas morning chased away the darkness, I called for Paul. I'd prayed with Sister Magdalene, gathered together what I needed, and knew what I had to do.
Paul carried me back to the Cullens' house. This time, Carlisle and Alice weren't surprised to see me or the duffel full of belongings I carried.
Before entering the house, I turned and caressed Paul's snout. "Merry Christmas, Paul. I'll never be able to thank you for your loyalty—for everything."
Paul chuffed and nuzzled his wet nose in the heart of my palm. After fixing Carlisle and Alice with a long look, he sauntered away slowly and took up his post at the tree line, letting them know he had no intention of leaving anytime soon.
Carlisle watched, seemingly unaffected. "Merry Christmas, Izzy. Make yourself at home."
Alice offered me a cool hand, remaining silent.
"Merry Christmas." I glanced around the house, noting the absence of decorations.
Carlisle, Alice, and I stood awkwardly in the living room for a few minutes. Neither of them seemed willing to break the silence.
"Where's everyone else?" I asked.
"Hunting." Carlisle's expression was impassive.
You mean avoiding me.
"Before I go up, I have a question." They both watched me expectantly. "Why do you think I came out of my coma but Edward didn't? Wasn't I badly damaged?"
Carlisle ducked his head and sighed. "Most creatures have the ability to come back from severe trauma or hold on long past expectation when motivated to."
I swallowed around the lump forming in my throat. "So what you're saying is I was motivated because I believed Edward was waiting for me, and he wasn't because he thinks I died that day."
"Essentially, yes."
"And even though I touched him and spoke to him . . . you believe he's beyond reach now."
"Most likely. I'm sorry."
Alice whimpered softly and turned to look out the window.
"Thanks for your honesty. I'm going to be with Edward now." I left the living room and started up the stairs, stopping halfway up. "And, Carlisle? I need to be alone with him."
"Of course."
When I entered the bedroom, I immediately noticed and appreciated the absence of flowers. The bedding had been changed, and Edward now wore a pair of silky black sleep pants. I put my bag on the bench at the foot of the bed, removing some toiletries so I could take a shower. I needed to think, to center myself for what was ahead.
Alice had stocked the bathroom with my favorite products. I took a long, hot shower during which my mind zoned the entire time, and I realized there would be no right time to begin my greatest act of love for Edward.
Thin ribbons of steam followed me out the bathroom door, dissipating quickly. I opened my duffel again, grabbed what I needed, and lay beside Edward on the bed.
My shaking fingers trailed up his abdomen, over his pecs, and up his neck. They skimmed along his strong jaw to caress his lips. Nothing had changed; he was still like marble.
I pressed my lips to his cheek and allowed my lids to flutter shut. "Boyscout, I love you so much. I'm so sorry . . . for all the stupid shit I put you through. You're the best thing that's ever happened to a profane girl like me. I don't know why you chose me, but I choose you back." I rested my head on his chest and snuggled close against his hard, unresponsive body. "You're not going to make this easy for me, are you? You've always made things so easy for me: to trust you, to need you, to love you. And I've always made it hard for you. I have to do that one more time, Edward, because things can't end this way."
I slid my trusty blade out and pricked my finger. It reminded me of the first time I met Edward in Biology. I smiled at the memory. Ruby red blood beaded on the tip of my finger, and I swiped it across his lips. "C'mon, Boyscout. If I were dead, could you taste this?"
Nothing.
I hissed as the knife sliced deep into my palm, and I fisted my hand over his face, allowing blood to drip between his parted lips.
I lay next to him, head resting on my arm, watching the thin stream of red sliding over his bottom lip. I leaned in close to his ear. "I'm not stopping. I can do this all day, and I have a lot of blood to donate."
When the gash started clotting, I dragged the blade across it again, gritting my teeth to avoid crying out so Carlisle and Alice wouldn't realize what I was up to. I kept my lips next to Edward's ear, talking, begging, bargaining. In between, I listened to the silence of the house pressing in on me. Carlisle was in his study; I could tell by the occasional creak of his leather chair. Alice was so silent she could have been anywhere.
A new sound roused me and my heart . . . a soft gasp, followed by Edward's throat working slowly. His Adam's apple rolled again.
"That's it, Edward! I'm here. I'm right here. I'm alive." I kept my voice to a hushed whisper in the hope Carlisle and Alice wouldn't hear. I needed them to stay away if this was going to work.
Edward's blood-smeared lips twitched, and his tongue swept across them slowly. My palm was cut to ribbons by that point, but since he was responding, I decided to go all in. I cut my inner wrist, slashing across the veins because I knew the blood would flow slower. There was no concern over the tendons in my wrist—either way, I wasn't going to need them any longer. I pressed my bloody wrist to Edward's mouth. "Drink, baby. Don't let this go to waste."
Edward suckled at my wrist, taking slow, feeble pulls. It hurt like a bitch without his venom as an anesthetic. His body started quivering, progressing to an almost violent shuddering. Edward's hand pressed against the back of my wrist, holding it to his mouth with a soft moan.
"Yes, Edward, yes. Come back to me. Fight for me the way I fought for you. I'm here."
Edward's brows drew down then, and his eyes popped open. It was difficult to discern where his pupils ended and his irises began. With the exception of the crimson seeping around the edges of his irises, his eyes were black as pitch.
I leaned over him, into his visual field. His gaze roamed over my face for a moment, confusion twisting his features, and then his distress was replaced by relief as his eyes slipped closed again. He gripped my arm with both hands, pulling harder. A moan worked its way up his throat, and I froze as I heard footsteps headed our way.
A soft knock sounded. "Izzy? You okay in there?" Carlisle asked.
"Yeah, fine." I fought to keep my voice even.
He started to walk away and then stopped. "I smell blood."
Edward moaned.
The bedroom door flew open, and I heard Alice racing up the stairs.
Carlisle took in the blood soaking the bedding and running in rivulets down Edward's neck. "What have you done?"
"He's responding! Look!"
"Do you have any idea what it will take to bring him back from the brink?"
"How much?"
"A bit more than you can afford to give."
Alice stood behind Carlisle and watched, saying nothing.
I smiled. "As long as there's enough to bring him back, then my work here will be done."
"But you won't—"
"Live? That's okay." I met Alice's gaze. "Remember when I promised not to let my life go to waste? I can't think of a better way to use it."
Alice nodded imperceptibly, almost accepting, but Carlisle had other ideas.
"I can't allow you to do this." He stalked toward the bed.
I prayed the venom treatments had strengthened me as much as I thought they had and summoned my power, hitting Carlisle square in the chest with it. Alice sidestepped his bulk as he flew back into the hallway.
"And I can't allow you to stop me." On the bed, Edward grew restless, but I kissed his cheek and encouraged him to continue. "Everything's okay, boyscout. Keep going—you need more."
Carlisle heard the family returning a few seconds before I did. "Emmett, Jasper! Get in here!"
"No! Stay away!" I yelled.
"You can't keep using your power."
"You forget—I don't expect to walk out of here. I've made peace with that. Why don't you?"
Emmett's considerable bulk filled the doorway, and his usual goofy face twisted in horror. "What the fuck are you doing?"
Jasper slid up silently beside Emmett and regarded me stoically. His gaze panned the room, and then his eyes widened, a sense of understanding shading them. "Oh, Izzy." Jasper shook his head. "It's not what you think. He has no idea you're really here."
My arm was numb by that time, but the mild pressure of Edward's lips and his hands holding my arm in place grew ever stronger. "I beg to differ. He looked right at me. He tastes my blood—it's what drew him out."
Jasper closed his eyes, his face scrunching as if in pain. "You're wrong. Edward would never drink you. Best I can tell, he believes you're a mirage. His cognitive function is so basic at this point . . ."
"You shut up! He knows I'm here!" An icicle attempted to form around my heart, but I pushed the fear away.
Too many voices vied for my attention, all speaking at once. Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper's honeyed tones, and then Esme stepped into the fray, gasping at the sight before her. A look passed between Emmett and Carlisle, each of them moving slowly in opposite directions, and I knew they meant to take me down.
A sudden surge blew through me, so strong it snapped my head back and stole my breath. Nothing outward happened—Emmett and Carlisle still approached—but I knew something significant had taken place.
"What the—" Emmett stopped mid-step, backed up, and came forward again.
Carlisle hit the barrier a second later though he wasn't surprised. Emmett continued to press himself against the invisible wall surrounding the bed. When that didn't work, he tried brute force, banging his fists and cursing.
All the ruckus disturbed Edward. When he tried to pull away from my wrist, I shushed him and stroked the fingers of my free hand through his hair until he went back to suckling. "That's it. Keep drinking; grow stronger," I whispered.
Carlisle grasped Emmett's arm in mid-swing. "Stop. You can't break through. We won't be able to get to her until the wall comes down."
Carlisle's words hit me like a sledgehammer. He was exactly right. They couldn't touch me until the barrier came down—and it would when I lost consciousness from blood loss. That moment was imminent; I already felt woozy. I'd be damned if all of this would be for nothing.
"Paul!" I yelled out. "Paul, I need you—right now!"
A resounding slam echoed through the house as Paul burst through the front door. Two sets of feet pounded heavily up the stairs, and the Cullens made space for them. Paul entered the room first, followed by Jacob. Both of them stared in shock at the sight of Edward and me on the bed.
"Holy fuck! He really is alive," Paul said and glanced at Jacob.
"Izzy, what's going on? Why did you call us up here?" Jacob flushed and looked to Carlisle. "Sorry about your door, Doc—somebody went off half-cocked." He hooked a thumb in Paul's direction.
"Yo, fuck you, man! This girl needs me, I'd break a mountain. They hid him from her!"
Carlisle smiled. "We can fix it."
Jacob laughed and shook his head. "Um, no you can't."
Knowing my time was limited at best, I focused on the one I knew I could count on. "Paul, I need you to protect me."
His brows drew together. "From what, baby? You're surrounded by protection."
"From anyone who tries to stop what's happening. Right now, my shield is up, but it's going to drop if I lose consciousness. I need to finish this."
"Finish what?"
"Saving Edward, bringing him back. I want you to make sure if my shield fails me that you won't." I stared at Paul meaningfully.
"Jesus, Izzy! You always make this shit hard for me." Paul scrubbed the fingers of both hands through his hair and groaned.
"This is the last thing I'll ever ask of you." I smiled wanly.
Jacob's eyes filled with understanding about the same time everyone else's did. "Don't ask him to do this!"
I shot him a dark look. "I'm asking you, too."
The two of them turned and looked at one another. Though there was no mind-link outside of their wolf form, silent communication passed between them. Paul and Jacob nodded in unison, and then the room exploded in a blur of charcoal and russet.
From between them, I saw Jasper's eyes morph from honey to obsidian in reaction to being in close proximity to a natural enemy. No matter how much they'd cooperated for my sake, their inherent instinct was to tear each other apart—and I'd created the situation, however necessary for Edward's survival.
Emmett dropped into a crouch and bared his teeth at Paul. Carlisle's eyes turned dark, and the muscles in his arms and chest bunched, but he restrained himself. At some point, Esme had slipped from the room, and Alice was still gone. I had no idea where Rose was, but I was thankful for her absence.
Edward lifted his head at the growling and hissing. I tried to talk him back down. "Shh . . . everything's fine. Drink, boyscout."
The sounds in the room grew muffled, and a low roaring took up residence in my ears. I blinked as my surroundings morphed into a distorted swirl of mahogany, fur, and pale skin. I fought against the tide that washed over me, dragging me under. Edward was awake, but it was clear he still had no idea what was happening. If they stopped me before his reanimation was complete, I would probably still die, and he might never reawaken.
"Paul, protect me no matter what." My voice was weak, but the supernatural creatures surrounding me heard it.
The shield keeping everyone away from me and Edward shattered. Just as I'd felt it assemble, its sudden absence left me reeling. A deafening gong shuddered through my head, so loud I was certain it could be heard for miles. My mouth fell open in a silent scream, and tears spilled from my eyes.
Edward suckled away at my numb wrist.
Jasper dug long, pale fingers into his hair and stepped forward, eyes wild. Paul roared a warning, but Jasper kept back, making sure to lock stares with me. "Surely you've realized by now that Edward doesn't know you're really here."
The ringing intensified, and it was a great struggle to take in Jasper's words and sort them into the proper order and meaning.
And then Jasper focused on Edward, who remained latched to my wrist with closed eyes. "Edward! For fuck's sake! Do you not realize you're drinking away your happy ever after? You're killing the woman you were willing to die for!"
Edward's serene face froze as did the pulling at my wrist, but he didn't open his eyes.
Now that my shield was gone, there was no stopping the tsunami of emotion Jasper hit us with. A surge of crippling guilt and loss slammed me in the chest, stealing most of the breath I had left.
But he wasn't finished.
"Edward, listen to me. You're not hallucinating. Izzy is really here. She's alive—at least for the moment. If you don't stop drinking from her, she's dead. You're killing your mate!"
Tendons in Jasper's neck bulged as he fell to his knees, threw his head back, and screamed, sending another massive influx of emotions crashing over us. It paralyzed me, all the air whooshing from my lungs. Edward's lids flew open, and he leaned up, pulling his mouth away from my arm. Whorls of crimson and onyx eddied deep in the pools of his eyes, and my blood stained his perfect lips.
Edward blinked in an attempt to bring me into focus. His gaze roamed over my face and hair; then his jaw tightened as his eyes scrunched closed. "No. She's gone."
"Get your head out of your ass! She survived, and she's right next to you."
"A . . . dream. Hallucination."
Jasper growled deep in his throat and leaped to his feet, stalking between Paul and Jacob, who simply stared at him as though he were mad. Jasper spread his arms wide, throwing them across the backs of the wolves. "Really, Edward? Are you accustomed to having a roomful of witnesses in your fantasies? How about a couple of wolves here to protect your lady love? Open your damned eyes!"
Carlisle stepped forward, flanking Jacob. "Listen to him, Edward. It's true. Izzy survived. She spent seven months in a coma."
Carlisle's soft voice drew Edward's attention, and for the first time, I saw doubt cloud his gaze. "But she looks different—and I was drinking her. I would never drink . . . if I knew." Edward turned his head and looked deep into my eyes. "Are you real?"
"Yes."
His visage morphed into a combination of hope and horror, and it was truly awful to watch.
"Edward, it's okay." I caressed his cheek gently with one finger. "I came here to do this—to let you drink me."
"But . . . why?"
"Because I love you beyond reason. Because you're the one . . . who belongs on this earth." I drew a rasping breath and fought a sudden wave of nausea and dizziness.
"Izzy, you're still bleeding!" Edward grabbed my wrist and held it up.
Blood oozed from the gash. It should have been gushing.
Carlisle supplied the answer. "You've been treated with venom for several months. Your body is attempting to close the wound."
Everything around me slowed. Sounds came from a distance, the voices in the room overlapping and echoing over each other. I could only focus on one thing: Edward's eyes—eyes that exuded fear, disbelief, horror, tentative hope, and so much love.
"It's okay. I can go now. My life . . . for yours." I smiled, or at least tried to, and the world slowly faded away with Edward's eyes being the last thing to go.
~*IWiPB*~
I've always wondered where we go. Are there angels? The Devil? Some kind of Purgatory like in the movie Ghost, with tortured wraiths rushing in to convey the newly dead soul to its new home?
There was nothing for me. One moment the blackness pulled me under, sucking at my soul like a sticky tar pit, and the next, I was spit back out, raw and burning.
The droning murmur of many voices surrounded me, coming from everywhere and nowhere. My soul was bathed in acid, layer upon layer stripped away with no end.
Was this Hell then? The culmination of my short, obscene life? Was I not redeemable in God's eyes? Sister Magdalene had assured me there was a place for me by His side no matter what I'd done as long as I repented for my sins. Perhaps it hadn't been enough, or maybe there were some sins I still cleaved to. At least my last vision had been of Edward's face. I could die happy knowing he would live on even if it meant eternal fire.
Something cool and soothing touched me then, but I'd be hard pressed to explain where it touched me. Did I still have a vehicle to contain my battered soul?
The murmuring stopped, but the cool continued, reaching more of me and dampening the fire, if only slightly. Ever so slowly, the sensation of having a body returned. A body wrapped in cold silk.
As other senses came back online, a soft buzz in my ear turned into words—Edward's. The tortured velvet tones of his voice wound their way inside and caressed my ailing brain. ". . . this for me. Please hear me. I . . . I gave in when I thought you were gone. You're so much stronger than me. At least you tried to keep your promise."
I struggled against the flames licking at my soul and fought to speak. A piercing shriek sounded, followed by gasping as my lungs burned with renewed fire.
"Shh . . . baby. I'm here. You're almost halfway."
Halfway what? Dead? Halfway to the other side?
More gasping screams.
"Carlisle? Please . . . will she . . ."
"I don't know, son. We wait and watch and hope. All that can be done has been done."
Will she what? What the hell are they talking about? My thoughts fought for purchase, and my newly-present lips worked to form words. The first few came out in an incoherent, jumbled scream.
"Shh . . . it's okay." Cool silk stroked the side of my face. It must have been Edward's hand.
"N-n-nu . . . n-n-nooo. W-w-what's . . . h-happen-ning t-to me?"
"This is good, right?" Edward sounded hopeful, which worried me. He pressed his lips to my ear. "You're changing. I—I drank too much from you. We had no other choice."
"B-burning . . . like the p-pits of h-hell."
"I'm so sorry there was no time to discuss it, to warn you. Every vampire must go through this. I still remember what it felt like all these years later . . ." It seemed Edward was haunted by what he went through so long ago—or was it the guilt of knowing he put me through it?
"S-so, I just ride it out?"
"Well . . ." Edward floundered.
Carlisle stepped in to assist. "Izzy, it's more complicated than riding it out."
"Of course." My lips twisted into a smirk—at least I ordered them to. My body remained out of my immediate control; other than the raging burn and involuntary muscle twitches, there wasn't much movement going on. I also couldn't seem to locate my eyelids and wondered if I'd gone blind. Edward stroked my face while Carlisle continued.
"You lost a lot of blood during that stunt you pulled. Edward drank a bit too much, and you barely had enough blood left circulating to effect the change. If it weren't for the venom treatments I've been giving you . . . well, we wouldn't be having this discussion at all."
Edward let out an agonized groan.
"Will I make it?"
"There's a very good chance you will. You're about halfway there. I suspect you may have suffered a few strokes at the beginning, but the transformation will take care of any lasting effects."
"Is that why I can't see?"
"Possibly. Edward, let me take a look at her."
Edward's comforting presence slipped away, replaced by Carlisle. He ran his hands over my limbs then lifted my eyelids. "Some light now."
My world remained black, consisting of sound and touch.
"I can't see."
"It will resolve." The bed shifted as Carlisle rose.
"If I make it."
Edward returned to my side, climbing on the bed and wrapping himself around me. "No 'if' about it. You're not going to make me do something stupid, are you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You go, we go."
"No!" A bolt of fear shot through me, lighting up every nerve ending, and my back arched off the bed of its own volition. Edward's soothing hands were right there, skimming over my back and offering gentle support. When the spasm subsided, I whispered his name and waited to feel his lips against my cheek before speaking. "I promised to live without you, and though every moment felt like walking over broken glass dipped in acid, I did it to honor your memory. Then I found out you weren't really gone, just in a state of stasis, and I chose this sacrifice. My life . . . for yours."
Edward stroked my hair, and I imagined his long, slender, piano player's fingers orchestrating a soothing symphony of love laced with agony. He rested his cheek against mine, and I felt the flutter of his lashes against my scorched skin. "Oh, Izzy. Do you realize how long I waited for you? Imagine spending a century alone without the perfect puzzle piece that fits all your dips and curves beside you. When I saw you lying there on the sand—something inside me died. I felt nothing when they tore me apart."
His words flayed me wide open. "Stop! We made promises . . . to go on. Your life is worth so much more than mine, and—"
Edward stopped my words with his mouth. His lips pressed against mine, and the incineration of my body faded to a dull throb as an electric charge zinged between us. It was as if Edward's kiss absorbed my pain. He slid an arm around me and rolled my body toward his until we were both on our sides, chests pressed together, lips still connected.
My heart was slamming double-time, thudding loudly in my ears. I slipped a shaking hand between us and ran it up his bare chest to cup his jaw. Tears spilled down my cheeks, born of the intense emotions flooding between us, coupled by the relief of knowing Edward was alive.
When our lips parted, I stroked his precious face. "Edward . . ."
"Shh . . ." He tightened his hold on me. "I can feel your heart within me. Just hold on, baby. Hold on to me. I'm not letting you go—never again." He kissed my temple and tangled his fingers in my hair.
"I love you, boyscout. Just before all the shit happened with James, I realized how much of our separation was about me. It was my insecurity, my need to grow. I never believed I was good enough for you."
"Izzy . . ."
"But I was ready to try, ready to be your mate."
"You are and always have been my mate." Edward cupped the back of my head and pressed his lips to my forehead.
My heartbeats grew into resounding booms, reverberating in my chest and head. The burning receded from my legs and concentrated in my chest, causing me to gasp for breath. A painful throbbing assaulted my head, and I cried out involuntarily, losing the rest of my air.
"Izzy?"
Edward's voice faded into the distance until all I heard was the slam of my accelerating heart. And then that faded as well, leaving me in silence. Warmth bloomed over my chest, and a faint light appeared in the distance, beckoning me forward. Comfort and a sense of peace blanketed me as I drew closer.
The echo of a voice from deep inside shattered the trance. The words the girl in the mirror spoke to me just before I went out to First Beach and James accosted me one final time.
You are his destiny, his mate, and he is yours. You must grow beyond the insecurity, and take your rightful place by his side. You're closer than you know, but you mustn't succumb to the light. Whenever you're tempted, remember his love. Remember being wrapped in angel wings. His pure devotion to you will save us in the end.
I no longer felt my body, but with every fiber of my soul, I cried out, refusing the light and choosing Edward instead.
"I choose you . . . choose you . . . forever . . ."
The warmth disappeared.
The light extinguished.
A thudding boom echoed all around and through me. The loudest, most earth-shaking crack of thunder. The sound barrier being breached. The slamming of God's door.
In the silence that descended, I heard one voice.
"Izzy, your heart stopped. It's over. Open your eyes."
~*IWiPB*~
When I'm weak I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny
~ Zero 7
A/N: I hope you feel this was worth the wait. I'd love to hear from you! There's only the epilogue left to go, and I'm hoping to have it written soon. Thanks again for joining me on this journey.
Broken Windowshas been nom'd in the Twifanficrecs Top Ten Completed Fics for 2013! Voting is open until February 28th, and you can vote once a day. If you're inclined to vote for my story, I thank you. (copy/paste and remove spaces) : / / twifanfictionrecs 2014/02/01/vote-for-your-top-10-fics-completed-in-2013 I'll post the link on my profile as well.
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