1921
Esme
I left the hospital numbly, not knowing where to go. I couldn't go home, couldn't go back to the place where I had allowed myself to dream for the first time in years. Not now, when all those dreams were shattered.
I walked through the town, not paying any attention to where I was going. I dully noticed a few people staring at me, the poor war widow who had just lost her baby as well. If only they knew the real story, then they really would pity me.
But I couldn't dwell on that, all I could think of was William. In my mind, his hazel eyes were staring at me. A million questions reflected in them.
'Why did you let them take me away to die, Mama?'
'Why didn't you help me, Mama?'
I tried to think of something else, anything else, but came up blank. I couldn't think about the future, not when it was now a bleak, uninviting prospect. Thinking about the past was a pointless, painful exercise. It only reminded me about Grace. I had only loved two people in my life, and God had felt the need to cruelly take them both from me. But the parts of my past without Grace in them were just unneeded reminders of a life I didn't want to remember. It couldn't be changed, so why reflect on years of misery? So that just left me with the present to think about. But the present … hurt. In the present, my arms were devastatingly empty. They could still remember how it felt to hold my son lovingly, and were aching to hold my warm, precious bundle again. My heart yearned for my son back. What I would have given to go back to just two days ago, when life had looked so optimistic.
Absent-mindedly, I noticed I had walked past the town's limits. The rational side of me knew I should turn back, and go home. But I just couldn't. It wasn't home anymore, not now I knew I would never share it with my son. It was just a cold empty room.
On there own accord, my feet carried me down a small dirt path into the forest. I didn't know where I was going, or why. I wasn't paying attention to insignificant things like direction or scenery. I was inside my own head, living the life I had dreamed of for the past seven months.
I was back at home, sat in the rocking chair in the corner. I gently rocked myself backwards and forth to help William fall asleep as he lay in my arms. I was filled with a feeling of contentment. This was how my life was always supposed to be.
I placed a slightly older William down on the floor, and took a few steps away from him before crouching down opposite him.
"Come to Mommy, William, come on, you can do it," I called encouragingly. I watched on, nervous, as he stood up tentatively, and then shakily took his first steps.
"That's it," I called happily. Finally, he reached me and collapsed into my arms as I hugged him close. "You're a very clever boy, aren't you?" My joy at his simple achievement was over-whelming.
A three-year old William sat opposite me at the table, his face covered in food.
"Play now, Mommy?" he asked. "Eaten all my food," he added proudly.
"Let me clean you up first, dear," I told him fondly. I reached for a damp cloth and washed his face and hands while he squirmed. When I was finished, he hopped of his chair happily.
"Did you have a good day?" I asked, as I picked my son up from his classroom after his first day at school. He nodded and excitedly started telling me about everything he had done. I listened to him, noting how quickly my little boy was growing up.
I watched the children, William included, out of the window of my classroom as they played in the schoolyard. He laughed at some childish antic and his entire face lit up in the smile I had always loved. Then the moment passed and the game continued, as I smiled fondly at them all.
I don't know how I had ended up sobbing on the forest floor, but I had. How long had I lay there, immersed in a life that could now never come true? I didn't know. Time had ceased to matter. Earlier, I had been counting down the months, and then the days, until he was due. How I wished for those months back now. Just to have him inside me again, and know he was alive and safe. But now … now he was ... gone.
Gone, all gone. He's dead and I can't change that. Nothing will bring him back, no matter how much I may wish for it.
The sound of water distracted me. Getting up, I realised I had walked to one of the nearby lakes. I walked to edge of the cliff and looked down at the swirling, uncaring waters below me.
Suddenly, I knew why I was here. Why my legs had unknowingly taken me here. It was a sign. Not a sign of God, because God would not agree with my new plan. But why should I care, what has God ever done for me anyway? I have been a good person haven't I? Why then, does God seem to enjoy torturing me?
No, it most definitely wasn't a sign from God. But it was a sign none the less.
I looked down again at the waters below me. They would soon wash away all the pain and the hurt that was my life.
When the past, the present, and the future all cause you heartache to think about, isn't it better to simply no longer have to think?
I had made up my mind. I had no reason to stay anymore. Everything, everyone, I had ever cared about was gone. The one reason I had found to keep living had been cruelly snatched away.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. For a few seconds, I didn't move. My mind was decided, but my body was still less than co-operative. A part of me still wanted to live, scared of the pain I would surely encounter at the bottom of the cliff. In my mind's eye, I saw my son's face as he slept, except now he was asleep forever. That thought was enough to end whatever instinct to live I still clung to.
I couldn't jump; I didn't have the energy left for it. Instead, I simply walked until my feet hit nothingness.
I was falling. I could feel the wind whipping around me. My life didn't flash before my eyes, for why would I have wanted it to? I just saw my son. The one moment I had shared with him. The last thing I saw before I hit the bottom was William's face.
Mommy will be with you again soon.
Did you think I showed Esme's depression and how she came to decide to end her life well? Reviews are always appreciated.
