mario mario: the sixth son of satan and the devil's spaghetti
chapter 28: a new world
as james moriarty reveled in the feeling of supreme überdominance, the air around him thickened with pure radial intelligence... all around him, the power of the universe was converging beneath him... all too late james moriarty realized that sherlock holmes had created an ultimate fail safe, a backup executable in the universal binary system which would transfer power to his independent form in case his mindsoul was separated from reality's mainframe. behind him moriarty heard the sound of pure, uncompressed logic amassing itself into one massive superentity. a 100 foot tall sherlock holmes was rising out of the sea, born anew in the pure energy of the universe, roaring, except it was not a roar, it was him processing every molecule of information in the universe while speaking at hyper speed, creating a sound which sounded like the screech of a monster due to the pure overload of sound coming from sherlock's sonic lungs
james moriarty looked on at the beast he had created and shat himself
and this time, it wasn't ironic, and he was not just pretending to be retarted.
in another time and place, specifically two seconds beforehand and 5000 miles westward, the greatest discovery... ever... was being rediscovered. christopher columbus, the premier finder of new worlds, was about to find a new world... a new world which we knew as antarctica, but which its native inhabitants knew as... the dark domain of the cannibal count... count "rock your cock" chocula. it was here that the mighty count "rock your cock" chocula had established the castle cockula, an eternal tribute to his family's grand heritage as the premier cock rocking counts... all the way from count "rock your cock" cockolate to count "rock your cock" cockanootlenootnoot, the infamous noothole mayor, who was reputed to have asked over three hundred mommy gfs to violate his noot hole and make him their noot slut. as christopher columbus docked at the infamous port chocula, he was greeted by a delegation of tracers. hundreds of different tracers lived inside the dark domain, banished by the tracer continuum for violation of basic time safety protocols. one tracer, who headed the delegation and was dressed in a swimsuit personally urinated on by count "rock your cock" chocula said "want a cuppa, mate? welcome to the dark domain of the infamous count "rock your cock" chocula! it's jolly cold here! reckon you could use a good cock rocking by the looks of it!" and christopher columbus stepped out of the boat and his first mate, the legendary renegade tracer, who had betrayed her kind and been branded across the face with the black cuppa, the greatest dishonor possible in tracer society. she had tried to steal the legendary golden cockulus, which had been buried under castle cockula. it was rumored to be one of the items in the legendary satanic septum, and a key to unleashing the ultimate evil upon the world: the devil's spaghetti, the original sin cooked and condensed into a thick blood red tomato sauce, poured upon the devil's own legendary sinful spaghetti.
and the lead delegate from the dark domain delegation recognized renegade tracer and gasped in surprise "hiya!" she screamed as she timeported away to warn count chocula of her presence, but before she could even make two jumps, columbus had pulled out his rifle, which he affectionately called 'the new world of pain', and put a bullet through her skull. there would be no warning. columbus would have the legendary golden cockulus. he would obtain the ultimate power, so powerful and fearful that even the devil himself had hidden it away. the renegade tracer, too, was vying for this powerful artifact, but htey had agreed to a temporary truce until they had the entire satan's septum in their combined possession, at which point they would betray one another instantly. and the other two delegates who had come to greet colombus were standing on the docks completely white, both from fear and frostbite, because it was so cold that they had to constantly travel back in time to avoid freezing to death, but since they were tracer they could do it all the time so it was no big deal. but now they were so fearful of the mighty presence of pure evil that they were unable to even move. renegade tracer walked over to them, slow and as menacing as she could make a slow walk in her embarrassingly tight skinsuit, then she whispered "it's cold out, hon. get better" and she shot them both in the heads with her pistols except she crossed her arms while doing it to look extra cool, like her left arm was shooting the tracer on the right and vice versa. and renegade tracer said "tally ho, columbus! don't want to dilly dally! the cockulus awaits us, and we've only hundreds of tracers to kill!" and columbus put the new world of pain back into his rucksack and marched towards castle cockula. there was killing to do in this brave new world.
"ah yes, i almost forgot. i have rediscovered this brave new world, and now i civilize it with unadulterated, cold blooded murder!" and he put a flag in the icy ground. it was the christopher columbus flag. his country had denounced him for savagery and a concerning lust for power, so he had gone rogue. he now had no masters, n ogods, only the yearning to seek out new worlds... and civilize them.
when he marched on castle cockula, the count "rock your cock" chocula had just finished rocking the cocks of two of his prime superstars, the incredible hulk and manbat, the human shaped mutant bat. all the boys couldn't get off his weird ass bat penis. shit was cash like shitty tie in movie games. hulk said "HULK SMASH?" and christopher columbus scratched his chin and he said "not today, green man. i am here to discover and conquer new worlds, because i am christopher columbus, the most powerful man!" and the incredible hulk screamed "YOU NOT MOST POWERFUL MAN! HULK MOST POWERFUL MAN!" but then the hulk sighed and he said "but hulk not in fighting mood. hulk cock get rocked, now hulk tired and want sleep and consume goat milk. goodbye, tiny pretend most powerful man." and he walked into the distance and the manbat turned around as he walked away and screeched at christopher columbus and jumped onto him and started humping his face and eating his hair and then he flapped his weird mutant bat wings and flew into the sky and returned to his master, the devil, who had sent him as an agent to spy on the might count "rock your cock" chocula, the master of cock rocking, partially to get a review of his services, because it had been awhile since satan had gotten a good cock rocking.
when manbat arrived in satan's palace in hell and screeched his glowing review of count rock your cock chocula's services, satan spit out his sin brew all over the floor. "WHAT?!" he screamed "nobody told me count rock your cock chocula was a sexual deviant! all i wanted was to get a good time for my little buddies!" so he got out of his sin chair and he walked over to his sin cage, which was filled with his pet sin roosters who he had caged up in preparation for bringing them to count rock your cock chocula for a good cock rocking, and he let them all go. "fly, my pretties! i'm afraid you won't be getting cock rocking today. why must everybody be so deceptive? couldn't this cockula count be up front about his penis servicing services, rather than mask them in incomprehensible innuendo?! how am i supposed to be able to decipher peoples' intentions when they're never honest!"
then he whispered in manbat's ear "so how good is this man's cock rocking?"
so christopher columbus kicked open the door of count rock your cock chocula's castle cockula and he screamed "HELLLLO NATIVES! I'VE COME TO CLAIM THIS CASTLE IN THE NAME OF THE NEW WORLD!" and count rock your cock chocula walked down the stairs from his private bedroom (as opposed to his public bedroom, which was an open access establishment wherein he performed his highly esteemed cock rocking services) and he said "heyyyy what's all this about? you want a cock rocking, all you have to do is ask" and christopher columbus said "me and my associate here, the legendary renegade tracer, bearer of the black cuppa, are here to reclaim this establishment and retrieve the might cockulus!" count rock your cock chocula recoiled in shock and he screamed "YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THE COCKULUS!" and he sprayed ink all over christopher columbus' face and christopher columbus started coughing and he choked to death on the ink so renegade tracer sighed and went back in time and kicked count rock your cock chocula in the dick before he could spray his ink on christopher columbus and count rock your cock chocula said "t-that is an impolite place to kick somebody!" and renegade tracer said "welcome to the manpocalypse, motherfucker." and count rock your cock chocula hissed and threw his cape on the floor and sprayed ink everywhere, blinding renegade tracer and christopher columbus, then he took out a box of his famous rock your cock cereal and began throwing fistfuls of it at tracer and columbus and he screamed "HOW'S THIIISSSSS FOR A COCK ROCKING, PUNY MORTALSSSS? THE GREAT ROCK YOUR COCK CHOCULA ISSS A MAN OF MANY TALENTSSS AND THROWING CCCCEREAL ISSS THE LEASSSST OF YOUR CONCCCERNSSS IF YOU SSSSHOULD TRY TO FIGHT ME!" and he kept throwing cereal at tracer and columbus and it landed in their mouths and christopher columbus started weeping as he chewed and swallowed the rock your cock choculates and he screamed "IT'S SO SUGARY!" and count rock your cock chocula screamed "FAACCCEE IT MORTAALSSSS! SSSSHOULD YOU CONTINUE TO THREATEN ME, YOUR ONLY REWARD WILL BE DIABETESSSS AND ABRUPT KIDNEY FAILURE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAA!" and while count rock your cock chocula was bombarding christopher columbus and infecting him with diabetes and weakening his kidneys, renegade tracer used the distraction to travel 10 years back in time, dig a massive hole in the floor using bombs, and then steal the cockulus
but meanwhile christopher columbus had managed to cover his mouth with his new world protection scarf which he had created out of special christopher columbus branded condoms, offering the ultimate level of protection for his oral orifice and he stood up and he screamed "IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT, CHOCULA?!" but because he had condoms in his mouth the words got muffled and sounded like spaghetti and then count rock your cock chocula through the cereal box at christopher columbus and it was a rare vintage metal collector's edition chocula edition box so it left a dent in his head, causing a new world of pain, and christopher columbus roared a muffled spaghetti roar of pure undiluted rage and swore a blood oath against count rock your cock chocula while speaking in spaghetti. count rock your cock chocula unbuttoned his vest and screamed "would you like... to get cock rocked, my little friend?" and he hissed and opened his vest up revealing a small puff of feminine chest hair and bombarding christopher columbus with exploding dildos being fired out of cock cannons attached to the sides of his vest and christopher columbus ran across the room as his new world was rocked by count rock your cock chocula's exploding cocks and rock your rock chocula screamed "GIVE YOURSSSSELF INTO ANNIHILATTTION, FOOL!" and he charged up an ultimate cock rocking attack in his mouth and then he shot a laser of pure cock rock action and it hit christopher columbus and christopher columbus started quivering and fell to the ground having a seizure from the pure power of count rock your cock chocula's ultimate cock rock chocula beam. but then christopher columbus gathered the last of his strength and he pulled the new world of pain out of his backpack and he lined up a shot and fired but count rock your cock chocula took out a cereal box and guarded himself from the shot evne as exploding dildos shot from his vest and his ultimate cock rock chocula beam fired from his mouth and christopher columbus collapsed to the floor, defeated by the sheer power of count rock your cock chocula, heir to the ancient cockula powers
but then renegade tracer hopped into the room and she screamed "hiya, love! looking for this?" and she was holding the cockulus and count rock your cock chocula screamed "HOW DID YOU GET THAT?!" and he focused his beam and explosive dildo missiles (missildos) at renegade tracer but she jumped through them, expertly dodging every single attack and she slid past him and threw a sticky bomb onto him and it exploded and he was blasted into a wall and the wall shattered and collapsed on top of him, trapping him in his own cockula castle, and renegade tracer slapped christopher columbus and screamed "WAKEY WAKEY, EGGS AND BAKEY, BITCH!" and christopher columbus got to his feet and then him and renegade tracer ran out of castle cockula but the sirens had sounded and there were hundreds of tracers outside and in one instant they all screamed "cheers, love!" and they all used their ults, throwing sticky bombs everywhere, but renegade tracer picked up christopher columbus and threw him over her shoulder and he screamed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" and renegade tracer said "saving your rear, chap!" and she dodged all of the sticky grenades and shot some out of the air as they flew at her and then as she slid towards the crowd of tracers she picked up a sticky bomb from out of the air and stuck it onto one of the tracer's faces and the tracer screamed as she exploded and all the other sticky bombs landed onto castle cockula and its walls began to crumble and renegade tracer was running through the crowd with one hand on columbus and the other using her pistol to shoot through the crowd of tracers and tracers were dying left and right and renegade tracer screamed "one helluva heist, love!"
but then alpha tracer, founder of the original tracer league and the first person to be expelled from it after she had been convincted of causing a chronological collapse which destroyed an entire universe, stepped in front of renegade tracer and she scowled. she had a giant scar across her face so like half her face was scar tissue so she looked really ugly and just looking at her ugly visage made renegade tracer scowl and renegade tracer screamed "out of my way, beta bitch!" and alpha tracer screamed "it's time for my vengeance! you framed me and got me expelled from my own neurodimensional empire, and now i'll expel you to hell!" but christopher columbus jumped off of renegade tracer's shoulder and he took out the new world of pain and he fired straight at alpha tracer's face but it barely did any damage because half of her face was ultra durable scar trissue from the great timesplosion that she had tried to stop and alpha tracer and renegade tracer got into a fist fight and they started kicking eachother and punching eachother at super speed and they were reversing through time and timeporting around and broken teeth were constantly flying back into their mouths and because they kept hopping throguh time there were dozens of them appearing at once but finally renegade took out the golden cockulus which was a giant metal dildo of incredible power and she slapped alpha tracer across the face with it, breaking her jaw, and alpha tracer fell to the ground, too weak to move, and renegade tracer wiped blood from her face and she said "looks like i win again, beta bitch." and she walked up to alpha tracer and kicked her in the face so that she fell unconscious and all the tracers behind her started screaming and charging towards her but then renegade tracer's good friend reaper fell out of the air and he used his death blossom ultimate and he mowed down the tracers and within seconds all that was left was a single tracer who was quivering out of pure fear and had a dead tracer slumped onto her and she raised her hands and she said "s-surrender? i surrender! i surrender! you win! no harm done, yeah?" and reaper walked up to her and kicked her in the knees and executed her and renegade tracer said "i don't take prisoners." and reaper brushed some tracer particles off his shoulder and he said "i've done your dirty work, tracer. where's my pay" and renegade tracer said "here ya go, mate!" and she threw him a box of his favorite chocolate gummy bears and reaper pulled off his mask and he said "oh man i looove gummy bears. these are the fucking BEST." and renegade tracer said "our work here is done. let's go, columbus. the golden cockulus is ours... and me bones ache! i'm gonna need a few hours of R and S after this! that's rest and schlicking! a lot of hard, hard schlicking" and columbus said "your masturbatory habits are a new world i do NOT need to discover, thank you very much" and renegade tracer shrugged and she said "your loss, fella! cuppa regret to you!"
meanwhile, giant sherlock holmes had finally resynced himself with the truth of the universe. he was no longer directly implanted into the reality-fabric that governed everything, but he had drained enough energy from the universe that he was potentially stronger than he had ever been before. having to control all of reality and moderate every thought to avoid destroying the universe had held him back, but now, he had pure power with no holding back, no self-control, only the pure rational chaos that was the labyrinthian mind of sherlock holmes. james moriarty stared down the giant sherlock in pure terror, and sherlock holmes smirked and said "now, now, moriarty. for one who acted with such fearless abandon, with such unmoderated mock stupidity, you seem to have made quite a coward of yourself! it's quite unwieldy. may i suggest... a recomposition?" and sherlock holmes reached out his giant hand and instantly purple energy surrounded james moriarty and he was splayed out by sherlock holmes' pure power and sherlock holmes grinned and tore every atom of his body apart and turned him into a literal dog with the intelligence of a dog, his innate intelligence locked behind a biological hard vault which his canine mind had no hope of ever unlocking. he dropped him in the ocean and dog moriarty started panicking and swimming to shore
then sherlock gathered his power and recomposed himself, compressing himself into human form, and he turend the pieces of the crashed plane into a raft and luigi and mini luigi and sherlock holmes and batman all climbed onto the raft and sherlock holmes said "it's over. james moriarty has been defeated. our task here is done. now let's reunite with zarya and john watson and be on our way" and luigi said "but what about chicken mario" and sherlock holmes scowled and he said "ah yes. chicken mario. hm. i suppose if you REALL need him..." and luigi said "he's my adopted brother, for god's sake!" and sherlock holmes said "fine, fine. i'll turn him back into a human. but only because you love him so much." and batman said "aight i'm gonna go party in a fucking SEWER and inject heroin while riding some fat gay dude like a fucking HORRSE. i came here to party and by god i am going to fucking party. i'm going to get me some fucking heroin, i'm gonna get me a bear, i'm gonna unironically sing that gay bar song, because that's a part of gay national heritage, and i'm going to use CONDOMS and practice SAFE SEX LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT" and batman put in some ear plugs and started listening to gay songs and humming and miniature luigi said "luigi, sherlock. i'm sorry but i've decided that after my terrifying cold, i'm going to become a lawyer and protect little people from irresponsible big people like troy mcclure who infect us with their macrobacteria. i'm going to law school. i love you very much, luigi, and you will be my favorite gender neutral maternal parental figure for all eternity." and luigi said, "i love you too, mini luigi"
as they pulled up to the shore, they saw troy mcclure handing out fliers about feminism. but then zarya stepped up to him and picked him up and snapped his spine like a twig and threw him into the sea and wiped her hands clean and luigi said "all's well that ends well."
