Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Apologies for any spelling/ grammar mistakes.


Thomas and Jimmy made their way back to Downton from the psychiatrist's office, as a light curtain of snow fell down around them, adding an unwanted romantic sentiment to their conversation. It was so beautiful and yet Thomas would rather it was raining, and had to make do with snowflakes settling on his stiff face instead of the cleansing sensation of cool droplets of water streaming down his cheeks, but no matter, when they got back to Downton Thomas could have a shot of whisky, which would do as much for him as rain. "How was it today?" Jimmy asked a troubled looking Thomas.

"Hard." Thomas replied, "Then it's always hard, talking about it. Thinking about it."

"Do you feel better though?"

"I feel like I've been held under water." The under butler stared straight ahead, trying to focus on single flakes of snow as they fell, but the task proved impossible.

"So, no?"

"I always feel like that, so it can't be worse, it'll get easier thinking about it in time. I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. I feel sort of light, but fuzzy." Thomas rubbed his pounding forehead as he spoke.

"Like when you've had a couple?"

"More or less."

"Is it really helping though? It's just that… sometimes, I don't know I may be imagining it, but you don't seem right a lot of the time; you're tired, distant. I worry about you." Jimmy hadn't the courage to ask Thomas before whether he was alright, but preferred instead to honour what Thomas would wish and ignore it.

"I have to come to terms with what the Duke did, so I can think about it without reliving it. To do that I need to think about it, so I've been… experiencing it more. It gets to me sometimes."

"Maybe you should ask for time off." Jimmy suggested, but sitting alone in his room thinking about his problems all day was even worse for Thomas.

"I'll be fine. You can't get over your problems without facing them." Thomas smiled bravely yet apprehensively.

"I just hope you're not facing them too much."

"I have me moments. That's all." Thomas shook off the implication that he wasn't coping, even though he partook in a shot of whisky every morning before work hoping it might have that same old placebo effect on him. It worked, as a hopefully temporary measure until he worked up the courage to tell Andrew about it, for he was too ashamed to say and risk hearing from him what he would tell himself every time he took a drink and shoved one of those pills Clarkson gave him down his throat; 'you're an idiot'.

"As long as you're getting better, and I'm going to be here for you. Always."

Thomas said nothing, the idea of Jimmy taking care of him was something he never imagined occurring, it was almost out of character for someone so young and immature and had proved that he needed taking care of himself. Thomas did not want to acknowledge Jimmy's offer, as he thought of it only as misguided childishness. So for the first time asked Jimmy how he was faring, not having to mention that he was referring to his scars.

"I didn't tell you, but shortly after we got back I went to see Clarkson, and took the stitches out a while ago, I can bend at least and run, just hard to look at, to think that they're going to stay with me me whole life, that he's going to stay with me."

"Maybe you should get help." Thomas smiled ironically.

"No, I don't need it. I promise. Just wish they weren't there."

"I know what you mean." Thomas rested his hand upon his lower neck, the scar which was always visible while he worked was now covered with a coat and scarf but Thomas, for a moment, felt it was exposed.

"I know. I've got all I need right now; my friends." Jimmy smiled at Thomas.

'Friends.' Thomas thought, 'Not more? Not less?' No. Friends. A necessary part of life that could not be wasted, not when Thomas felt so vulnerable. Things were going so well between him and his former lover, so much so that it was troubling; he had been turning it over , in his mind it had spread like a plague, the idea of him and Jimmy reconciling but the fear was stronger. There was fear of going back to what was before, what was tried and failed in such hideous terms despite the temptation of happiness which Thomas couldn't trust himself to feel. A temptation which drew Jimmy in every day; like any animal in pursuance of its most base needs.


"That looks rather complicated." The youthful Lady Rose leaned on her elbow, which rested against the wall, her hand on the back of her head scrunching up her blonde curls. She gazed in a forced intrigue at what Jimmy was doing as he wound the clock in the hall, her real interest piqued by the boy himself whose features she scrutinised with glee, licking her lips at his golden hair and smooth complexion.

"It's easy once you've done it a few times. I was trained by an expert." Jimmy remembering the first time Thomas showed him how to wind the clocks, his hands on his shoulders, how he hated it then, but how he missed it now.

"Who might that be?"

"Mr Barrow. His father was a clockmaker so Mr Carson used to make him do all the clocks, but as an under butler it's beneath him now."

"He's very skilled for someone so handsome."

"Handsome men can have skills."

Jimmy didn't like this young thing giving Thomas' appearance so much notice, but it didn't stop the corner of Jimmy's mouth jerking up when Rose said. "I can see that. You could be in pictures."

"Don't fancy it meself."

"I wouldn't mind seeing your face on a big screen, maybe in a romance film. You would be perfect." Scenes of Jimmy in tights, climbing towers, fighting villains and kissing damsels in distress played through her mind and her lips produced a sigh, thinking of herself as one of those very damsels.

"I don't think I'm skilled enough for acting. Waiting at table is enough for me." A feeling Jimmy never realised he felt, ambition consuming a large part of his life (or so he thought).

"Do you get much leisure time?"

Jimmy maintained his pose although he could smell Rose more strongly as she leaned closer to him, "Leisure? What might that be? I only get a couple of hours off a week to go into Ripon, and that's on business."

"Business? What kind of business?"

"Nothing important." Jimmy felt immediate guilt at this response, could he have not thought of something else? Something that did not shrug off or belittle Thomas' toil and his courageous attempt to better himself.

"A girl?" Rose pressed.

"No."

"Do you have one then?"

"What?" The idea was so far out of the reach of Jimmy's mind the question was ridiculous to him now and would not hazard anyone asking him it.

"A girl!" Rose giggled, tossing her hair back.

"No. Not yet."

"Rose, come away from poor James. " Lady Mary announced herself as she crossed through the hall to go into the library with Edith, Rose doing as her cousin said and hung her head as she tip toed away into the library, Lady Mary coming up to a slightly flustered James who hoped the ladies had not got the wrong impression of him and his encounter with Rose, "I apologise for my cousin. She enjoys nibbling from forbidden fruit."

"That's all right M'Lady, no harm in having a nibble." The footman's relief could clearly be seen that Mary knew her cousin well enough to know that Jimmy did not encourage her except by merely existing.

"From Rose I think that's more than enough. Thank you James."

"M'Lady."

Mary left Jimmy to finish attending to the clock which just needed a gentle shut of its glass door, he looked at the face behind the glass, the second hand ticking away, as he looked at it and listened, it moved slower and slower until it stopped. He was gifted time, time to think, think about how open Rose can be, how strange he found it with girls again, but he liked the attention. Attention he will never have with men unless he does as Thomas did and managed to ensnare a Duke or some nobleman while he's visiting. However that didn't work out exactly as planned for the under butler. What else was Jimmy supposed to do? Wait around for months, years, decades, until retirement, to come across someone else like him? There must be one in a thousand in service, even less in the countryside, even less willing to come out, and even less still whom Jimmy could feel love towards. With those odds it seemed hopeless, even for Mr Green to place a bet on. Even though he felt guilt at Rose's flirtation, there was a hope that jealousy might spring from Thomas' confused heart at the knowledge, so he decided to tell Thomas just exactly how Rose behaved towards him.


"I think Lady Rose is going to be a handful." Jimmy said, having met with Thomas outside after his conversation with Rose, the snow fall had grown heavier so the pair felt they had to raise their voices, as if the snow was creating some kind of wall which made their words inaudible.

"Couldn't agree more." The under butler took the cigarette from his mouth in distaste as the heavy snowfall threatened to extinguish the embers at the end.

"She were proper flirting with me just now, when I were winding the clocks." Jimmy trying to put across his best attempt at disgust as possible, though it was hardly visible through the falling snow.

"You think everyone flirts with you."

"I'm being serious this time. It was the big toothy grin, the hair flick, the giggling at everything I said. There were nothing funny about it."

"Come on, it's not like you're not used to it." Thomas ignored the snow, on the contrary he loved it, he loved being barely visible, it made it easier for him to speak.

"I know, but they're normally older, or at least not as full on."

"Aww, poor Jimmy. It's a hard life being pretty isn't it?" One of Thomas' gloved hands came at Jimmy's shoulder through the stream of snow and pushed the footman back.

"What would you know about it?"

"Cheeky." The pair smiled, unseen smiles, "I think Rose is a bit like that mind."

"Like what?" Jimmy not having yet heard the rumours surrounding Rose's character and her dalliances with older and married men.

"Flirty. She were looking at Alex too, and even asked me about my availability." Thomas widened his eyes as if to indicate Rose's insanity or, perhaps rather, desperation that she would ask a homosexual (whether she knew this was a moot point for him) who was vastly older than her, if he was available.

"She did say you were handsome." Jimmy added, "What did you say to her?"

"That my feelings were spoken for." But who, or what, seemed almost to be a mystery. But Jimmy smiled slightly at the thought that it was him, and there was still hope there. But both men thinking the same thing; was this what they both really wanted? So much had changed; they had changed, was it all too much? Did they want to spoil this relationship they now had, now they were both happy and things were finally getting better, did they want to risk that for something that failed once already and so tragically over so short a time?

"Come on, we better head in." Thomas said, as if just realising that snow was pouring around them and creating a coat of white across their shoulders and hats, not to mention their shoes would need a good brushing.

"I'd rather not, she'll be making eyes at me from across the table, just you watch." Jimmy knowing that dinner upstairs would soon be served, but even he was glad for the prospect of a warm fire aglow, prepared just for his hands and reddened cheeks.

"Oh believe me, I will be watching very carefully." Thomas grinned as he ushered Jimmy inside with all haste, like they were about to be swept away by an avalanche. They only hoped this terrible weather wouldn't last.