XXIII : Reconcile

Sirius

I sit by the lake, watching the sun set over the sullen water. A red orb hovering over the Forest, no longer blinding, dim and dying, turning the stone of the castle to bronze. In the other direction, the ghost of a moon fades into the darkening sky. It's almost full. Funny how I hadn't noticed that. Perhaps I was deliberately not looking. The moon reminds me of Remus.

It's been a week and then some since that fateful day. He seems happy, despite the fact he's been avoiding me more and more. I wonder how we'll manage when the moon is full. Maybe I could find some excuse, leave it to Wormtail and Prongs. It'd be weird though. Since I met him, I've spent every single full moon during term time in the Shack. I have no idea what it'd be like if I didn't. Could he cope?

Don't kid yourself, Black. You don't mean that much to him, or anyone for that matter.

Still, I should be happy. Remus has found true love, however much it hurts me to think like that, and as for me…

Well, I've got Sophie.

"What are you doing out here, Sirius? It's freezing. Come inside?"

I suppose it is cold, really. I hadn't noticed.

A hand touches mine. Sophie lowers herself to the ground next to me.

"Are you all right?"

I turn, look at her, smile.

"Fine. I'm fine."

Almost unconsciously, my hand finds the scrap of paper in my pocket. I've taken to carrying around a piece of that photograph. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I harbour a hope that some day I'll be strong enough to throw it away, maybe it's to torture me with memories of what's gone before, maybe it's to remind me not to make the same mistakes again…I don't know. But somehow it always seems to find its way there. I rub my fingertip over the smooth surface, wishing I could fall back to those days when we'd laugh together, love together, be together.

I thought it'd last forever.

Nothing ever does.

"Sirius? You in there?"

I turn to look at Sophie, and realise with a start there are tears prickling my eyes.

"What's wrong? What is it?"

I shake my head.

"I told you. It's nothing. I'm fine."

She looks at me, staring straight into my eyes.

Then she slaps me.

"You IDIOT, Sirius! I might just be a stupid little Hufflepuff kid, but I can tell when there's something wrong! Don't lie to me!" Her voice subsides. "Even if the truth hurts me, don't lie to me."

I clench my hand around the scrap of paper. "I can't explain. It's complicated."

Her only response is to glare harder. "Sirius Black, there is nothing so complicated that you can't explain it. I'm prepared to stay here all night, so give me an explanation now. I don't care how garbled and incoherent it is, as long as I get an answer. Tell me what's wrong. I need you to be happy."

I can tell I'm fighting a losing battle here. Nice and kind Sophie may be, but she's also as stubborn as a mule and I know she won't give up until she's extracted every detail from me. I could make something up, but I'm so tired of lying, and she doesn't deserve to go on believing every lie I tell.

So I tell her. I also assure her (and as I assure her I'm also making sure that I know too) that I no longer love Remus. I love her.

She sits and listens as twilight gives way to night, and she looks me in the eye the whole time as I fumble for words and my nervous fingers twist around the paper in my pocket. She hardly moves or speaks until I stop talking.

Then she sits back on her heels and examines me closely.

"You know, Sirius, I'd say it's quite obvious what's going on here. You still love Lupin, don't you? You won't admit it, to me or to yourself, but it's so clear." Her voice cracks. "And I don't really know him too well, but I'd say he loves you too. You can tell by the way he looks at you. That's why he hates me, just like you hate Clarke. I took you away from him." She's trying to hide her tears by now, but they fall like diamonds in the moonlight. "You have to show him that you love him."

This is too much. There's no way I'm putting her through this. I move closer to her, putting my arms around her shaking shoulders. "I don't love him, Sophie. I love you. I always will. I'm not leaving you." I lean in to kiss her, but she pushes me away.

"Shut up. Shut. Up. You just don't get it, do you? It's not about me. I'm just a bit player in your big romance story; I'm just a fallback, a rebound. But if I give up, if I do what I really want to, if I let you kiss me and let you think you can fall in love with me, if you can't be happy with the one you really love, then I'll never forgive myself, all right? I love you, Sirius. That's why I have to find the strength to let you leave. You're just going to walk out of my life after such a short time. And that's the way it has to be." She sits there, her angry eyes glittering with tears, her breath ragged and choking, and she gives a half-smile. "You know, Sirius, I'm a failure. Nothing I've ever done has ever gone right. But if I can give you a shot at happiness, just one chance, I'll have finally…finally…I'll have done something right…I just…I just…I just…I just want you to be happy!"

Tears soak my robes as I put my arms around her, holding her so tightly. It's not fair. Everywhere I go, everyone who loves me, I destroy. It's my fault. And she'll give me up for this tiny chance that I can be happy.

"Sophie…"

"D…don't argue. Just do it."

---

Remus walks from the library with Michael. Sophie squeezes my hand and then lets go, running away down the corridor towards a group of her friends.

I touch his arm. He turns around, looking at me as if he's never seen me before in his life. I almost wimp out, my heart and stomach somersaulting around, vying for position as "Most Off-putting Organ Of The Year 1978" He doesn't need this. He's got Michael, I don't figure in his romantic life any more. But the simple fact is, he's in every feature of mine. Summoning up all my courage, I say the hardest few words ever said.

"Remus. I need to talk to you."

There. It's said. It's up to him now if he chooses to listen or not. He follows me as I lead him to an alcove under the stairs.

I hold his hand, feeling the blood pumping through my veins. I feel sick. The way I felt before my first Quidditch game is an oasis of calm compared to this. There's no way he'll want to hear this.

"Remus, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…I thought…oh sod it all."

As my eyes prickle and my cheeks burn, I lean forwards and kiss him.

-------

All right, I severely apologise for the last chapter. See, the artistic mind, at least MY artistic mind, suffers from two problems, which I like to call hypoinspiration and hyperinspiration. The first, lack of inspiration, is what causes me to write nothing for weeks. The second, over-inspiration, is what causes me to write fanfic chapters at five am in the morning, which is sadly what happened with my last instalment.

I'm sorry.

Anyhoooodledydoodles…the puppies are getting back together! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Finally!

Now you can stop bugging me about it!

I'm kidding. Bug me any time you like. As previously stated, it makes me feel very loved.

On the subject of which, thank you for faves, alerts, messages, random stalking across the entire interweb…

I love you guys:3

Everything except Michael and Sophie © J K Rowling

Michael and Sophie © me