Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story.
Fandom: A mix of Mai HiME and Mai Otome characters, AU
Rating: M. I suppose that I should warn this story contains various adult themes and foul-mouthed characters.
A/N: A big thank you to all who have been supportive of this fanfiction and a nod to Fiona Apple as concerns the title of the aside.

The Messiness of Life
By Victoria G.

Narrative #28: A Beach Party
Date: May 3rd, 2014 … a Saturday

"You know it's Saturday right?"

"It took me by surprise this morning, but yes." I could feel that I was smiling at Yohko as she counted a pile of used sponges. Wearing the OR mask did nothing to curb the tendency in me. "With Haruka gone, there is no one to cover Saturday. This was a special circumstance and I may yet survive it. Ookini for the book, by the way."

"Did you read it already?" She asked interestedly.

"Yes, it was quite good. I finished it Friday."

"It came out a few years ago. Amazing."

I nodded. It was a deeply affecting story. We tended to have a similar taste in books... liked the same authors... a sort of love for melancholy tales with female leads. The book had been quite interesting. A Woman on the Other Shore… even the title spoke to me.

"So how is the Anesthesiology Department coping with the loss of Armitage?" Yohko continued, dropping the sponges into a biohazard bin.

"We are beginning to heal." I was oddly enough having the most trouble with it, although Nina Wang did seem especially affected as well. Still, it was odd to me that I could not say exactly what I missed when I could so effortlessly list several things that I did not.

"Did they fill her spot?" Woods asked, chiming in from her seat beside the arm extension of the operating table. A VIP had insisted upon having his carpal tunnel release on Saturday morning such that it did not interfere with his work schedule. The hospital was happy to oblige, of course.

"I believe they are considering one of the fourth years, Nina Wang." It would be an interesting dynamic, the two of us working alongside one another. I could not put my finger on a single thing we had in common with the exception of missing Haruka and for undoubtedly different reasons. Our disconnect did seem to extend even further than lack of similarity, into the realm of opposing personalities. This did not truly trouble me though. The worst I could imagine for us was a bit of awkwardness and that did not concern me.

"Good choice. Smart girl. I'm sure Wang-sensei has no objections." The surgeon added, a touch of playful sarcasm in her voice.

"I cannot imagine he would." I agreed cheerfully. "She does not finish her Residency for another few weeks."

"I heard Kuga's gonna be the new Trauma Attending and Kanzaki's going for chief." Woods threw in, clearly interested. There was a good deal of gossip flying around the hospital lately, it seemed. Traces of neither bitterness or judgment appeared in her comments. It was not a job that she wanted. Irina Woods was quite content with her practice as it was.

"I've heard that too." The nurse confirmed. I did not offer any thoughts even though I knew both rumors to be true because I preferred to listen rather than join in on such conversations. Reito had called me last week to tell me the news. Natsuki did not know at the time, which I felt badly over, but she had told me of it when next we spoke. Happily, she was not too far behind me on the information train.

"It's been awhile, Fujino. Did they finally clean up that fiasco with the Research Department?" She asked, evidently accepting that I had no comment on the matter.

"I believe they did. How is Woods-sensei? She looks well."

A tiny shrug. "Same as ever. You look good yourself… what I can see anyway."

"Ookini. How old is your daughter now?"

She glanced up from the ligament she was working on. "Two."

"It seems like you just had her," Yohko responded, and I agreed. Her baby pictures were still fairly fresh in my mind.

"She's been an absolute monster lately. I kinda miss her not being able to talk, if I'm honest!" The nurse laughed at the light-hearted lament, while a frustrated sigh erupted from the operating table. "Fujino, can you fix my glasses?" The spectacles were slowly making their way to the edge of her mask and her sterile gloves would not permit an adjustment.

"Of course." I wheeled out a bit and she turned her face toward me. I pushed them up on her nose. She had beautiful eyes really… not as stunning or unique as Natsuki's but with an adorable sparkle of mischief in their hazel depths. My mind ran away with itself at the mere mention of the woman I knew I'd see in a few hours, carrying my thoughts further… and why did it seem these fantastic imaginings were taking me more and more? I could not help but draw a parallel between my failed attempts at celibacy in my early twenties and this new experience. Shamefully it was doing very much the same thing to me, winding me tight enough to burst at any moment... waiting for anything as an excuse. "And your husband? Is he well?" I asked to distract myself.

"Thanks. I think he's getting into the stay at home dad thing. Hates it when I call him that though." I was certain that if her mask was off, she would be grinning. Her husband, as far as I heard, was an artistic type… a writer who worked from home. She glanced at the digital clock on the wall. "I think we're gonna finish right on time!"

"Shizuru, what is this thing Kanzaki's having later? He told me to drop by with Midori."

Woods laughed. "Is Kanzaki throwing his money around again?"

"It is more of a group get together to celebrate various accomplishments. High school graduations, promotions and the like."

She paused in her work. "Who's graduating high school?"

"Kuga's younger sister," I answered.

"Good news all around I guess," Yohko added.

"It seems that way." I agreed.

"Kuga's having a party with Kanzaki?" The surgeon asked with curiosity.

"Yes. It turns out she is quite close with the woman Reito is seeing." I commented, not fully ready to explain our situation.

"This island weaves a tangled web. Be careful Fujino, it'll suck you in." Woods offered sagely, reaching over for a curved needle.

It had done more than suck me in already... "I will do my best."

"He better not mess it up is all I have to say! He'll spoil lunch for the rest of us!" She began closing with the meticulousness she was known for. "Kuga's from here, right?"

"That's what she told me," Yohko answered.

"Hmm." I watched as she began suturing. "So she's already in deep."

"Will Woods-sensei not being joining in the festivities?" It had been an open invitation to the orthopedic surgeons in Reito's group, yet I felt the need to offer again out of politeness.

"I should get home to my husband before she drives him nuts." We continued to chat amiably and it was excellent to have my work be so uneventful, so normal. It made me feel a bit more secure in my decision to stay… but that thought… of doing something else, something more remained.

I had to stay a bit longer than I usually would, given the patient's status. I did not mind, except that the party had started already and I was growing anxious to see Natsuki. With Haruka gone, my weekends had been slightly busier, my days as well. In the past month, it had been unusual that we were able to spend more than a night or two together each week. It was not that I was upset at having to work this morning, but to have such a concentrated stretch of time with her offered up… and to be here instead was disappointing. Still, it was nice to catch up with Yohko and we'd been able to have a more private chat in the locker room. It was a chance to tell her officially something she already felt sure of, to confirm my involvement with Natsuki. She was, of course, happy for me. Being the person that she was, I expected as much and I asked after her. Chie had told me via text message that there were rumors afoot regarding her and a young man from housekeeping. I had not put much stock in them until we passed a handsome young man from maintenance in the hall on our way out. It was a question answered without asking and she rolled her eyes at my smile.

"I'll see you later?" She gave me a light hug. It briefly made me wonder if my prior involvement with her was anything that needed to be told to Natsuki. Rationally speaking it was not her concern as it had nothing to do with the two of us together nor did I want to invite the possibility that it might make their work relationship contentious… still… I was unsure.

"Yes. I will look forward to it."

"Are you going there right now?"

"I need to stop at my home first, but then afterward." I had almost forgotten the book. "One moment." I removed it from my purse and handed it to her and we parted ways.

To avoid fussing over my outfit, I had chosen it in advance. My hair, I had worked on the night before… not bothering to straighten it as I usually did. The moisture in the ocean air would undo that anyway… let alone if it got wet. Why I felt nervous about Natsuki seeing my hair this way was a mystery to me, but I seldom wore it naturally. I attempted to ignore the loose curls that made their escape as I washed my face, reapplied my makeup, and used a touch of the perfume I'd had on when she'd had a bit too much to drink.

I could not help but smile at the memory of her face upon waking to find herself still happily nestled between my breasts… at my soft good morning. It was an intense apology certainly, quite genuine. My insistence that she needn't be only seemed to make matters worse. The embarrassment had stayed with her all through our breakfast until I began to feel guilty about it. I had been worried she'd leave, but she had not. Instead, she devoted herself to figuring out the espresso machine my father had given me… its workings and its quirks. I'd brought it to her house, knowing it would get far more use there. I understood her focus to be an intentional distraction. It was hard for me to believe, but from her body language and reaction, I gathered she honestly thought she'd been rude with me. It took four rounds of espresso, most of which were only sipped for quality control before she was entirely comfortable looking me in the eye again. There was something in her reaction to it that I found confusing. It was something I could not fully separate from her humiliation; something both she and I were puzzling over. The brief stares she would sneak were not all that different than the look she was giving the espresso machine when it did not work as she'd predicted. It was softer definitely, feeling there… but not far removed all the same.

My internal response was different than I would've predicted as well. It was one of wariness, perhaps unjustly. I'd been able to exercise a very small amount of control, but it was against such strong opposition from myself. We'd done little more in our limited time together since than kiss and sleep beside one another since. Counterintuitively, the slowing down did nothing to ease the tension I felt. In fact, it seemed to make my situation exponentially more difficult. Initially, I had believed that the warmth I felt with her would calm my desires, but now it only seemed to further provoke them. They continued to grow louder, becoming more powerful and troublesome. In kisses where we were wrapped around one another, touches to my back or to hers, fingers crawling along stomachs, and hands gripping clothed thighs... there was almost too much feeling. In truth, I was more comfortable with the intense sexual charge I'd felt watching her unbutton my shirt with her teeth. Honestly, it felt a failing that need overtaking feeling was an easier experience for me to process than anything deeper.

Considering her reaction concerned me in a very different way. There was some chatter in the back of my mind as to whether or not her discomfort was with my response to her sexually… which unpleasantly unearthed an onslaught of memories as concerned the girl. I considered that experience more than I'd allowed myself to before and with less ache than I would have predicted. I mulled over missed signs or ignored cues… my own intensity in these matters. Natsuki was not the same person… I argued with myself in silence as I adjusted my swimsuit. My comparisons were largely unfair, I reasoned. She was more confident in her kisses than my first love had ever been. It was the truth, I assured myself as I slipped on a linen tunic shirt and a pair of soft shorts. Even when she was nervous, she was not conflicted in her quiet affection. I did not need to chase her, but still, I wanted something from her I did not know whether she was ready for.

Yet my knowing all of that, did not deter my mind from performing nearly endless reinterpretations of our situation. I spent the ride to the beach picking over the experience, again and again, trying to arrive at the perfect, indisputable explanation for the tension neither of us could seem to shake.

On arriving, I took a measured breath before I gathered what I'd brought and made my way through the sand. The first person whose eye I caught was my friend's, which I felt oddly grateful for as it meant another few moments to compose myself before I saw her. He smiled and waved, walking up to assist me with the few items I was carrying. "Shizuru!"

"Good afternoon." I smiled at him and it was readily returned. Indicating the small box on top of the bag he'd taken from me, I spoke. "That is for you." It was only a small thing of the type we exchanged on birthdays. A pair of cufflinks made from silver and volcanic glass to replace a similar pair he'd lamented the loss of some time ago.

He gave me a curious look and a smile. "There was no need for that."

"Congratulations are in order, are they not?"

Something of a crooked grin took his lips. "On both sides, I would say, though I do not have a present for you." He tapped the box as he placed it down and glanced my way. "Thank you for this."

I waved my hand dismissively. "A present would be uncustomary for such an occasion."

"Quite right, at least from me. Perhaps it is something better left to Kuga-san in this case?"

The flash of heat that passed through me at such a thought was born of the energy that had been collecting beneath my skin, sexual energy that was beginning to gnaw at me. "Perhaps Reito should suggest that to her. I am certain her reaction would be memorable."

His eyes flicked toward the sea, where I finally caught sight of her. "Without a doubt, but it would be foolish to put my head in the proverbial lion's mouth."

"…a lion?" I asked absently, distracted by my first occasion to see her in shorts, very distracted in fact.

"Only a proverbial one. It's a favorable comparison, no? An excellent animal."

"So it was flattery, then?"

"And only that." He affirmed.

She was some distance away and speaking to a crowd of teenagers with Alyssa. It was clear that her focus had shifted to Reito and myself. I lifted my hand, fingers rolling in a greeting I was not sure she could make out until I saw her tilt her head in acknowledgment.

My initial inclination was to make my way directly over to her, but I did not know if I would be interrupting and I did not wish to be rude to Reito either. I was not certain where the boundaries lay… with her I seldom was. Boundaries were never something I was good at as concerned matters of the heart anyway. I redirected my attention, mentally reprimanding myself for my obviousness and thankful for the distance… it saved me to some degree.

Another duo momentarily caught my eye because of the repeated looks in our direction. I stood up straight, watching the two with an odd feeling coming over me. "That young man… he must be Mai's brother correct?" We had come to call each other by our first names after a shared meal a few weeks ago.

"There is some familial resemblance, isn't there?" It was true. He looked a great deal like his sister, which was fortunate for him. That person next to him though, I could not immediately discern whether he/she was a woman or a man. It was not an experience I often had… or in truth ever had. My intuition as concerned such things was strong and I thought female… but the body and the clothes… the question should not have seized my mind the way it did.

Confused, I attempted to clear my head with a joke. "There is, but I am curious as to why Tokiha-han keeps giving you such bashful glances. I wonder, did you flatter him as well? You never did share your story."

"Ah." Reito's reaction surprised me. I did not think I'd seen him so embarrassed since the dinner party. "Suffice it to say we met one another under different circumstances than I would have liked."

An interesting answer. It was evasive and leading at the same time. "What would you have preferred?"

He smiled at me, chagrined. "The only preference I have as concerns meeting a stranger is to be wearing clothes."

I felt my eyebrow curve. "Well, it does seem as though the impression was improved by it. There are those that enjoy immediate familiarity... that sort of naked honesty." Through his discomfiture, he laughed softly. "Do you know who that person with him is?"

"His boyfriend. Okuzaki, if I recall correctly."

A man. It was confirmed, but strangely a part of me remained unconvinced. This was none of my business and the strength of my fascination with it was bordering on intrusive. "They make a lovely pair." It was true.

"They do seem quite happy." The two of them seemed very much in love, I did agree. There was a contentedness in one another's presence that hung about them like a fluffy cloud, much like Chie and Aoi. "Speaking of such things, you and my Fellow make a beautiful couple as well."

For some inexplicable reason, the compliment made me nervous when it should have been a nice thing to hear. I gave him a smile against what I felt. "Ookini, but as relates to the purpose of this celebration, she is no longer a Fellow."

"True. She is now one of my Attendings… one I do hope realizes how fortunate she is to have such a fine Anesthesiologist handy."

"Ookini, but I believe that you may have that backward," My tone was nearly a slap on his wrist and he picked up on it… watched me curiously.

"No, I'm certain I said it correctly." He said with an odd softness. "Kuga is quite lucky."

That he would say such a thing… "Reito…" That my discomfort was great enough to escape from beneath my politeness surprised me as well.

"It is my opinion and therefore, outside of debate." Leaving such terrible logic unchallenged was simply not an option.

"Are not all debates opinion-based though? It is the prerequisite. Were it fact, an argument would be superfluous." I commented, flicking out the blanket I had brought.

"A fair point, but my mind is set nonetheless. I resolve to be completely unmovable and most assuredly pig-headed in a discussion over the matter."

The laugh his silliness brought, made my tension give way. "How are things with your shopkeeper?"

He took a seat on a chair a few feet away. "As wonderful as you are at steering a conversation." The comment was made as he reclined.

A bright smile broke across my lips. "I am glad to hear it."

"I believe you're being summoned, Shizuru."

"Hmm?"

He pointed out toward where Natsuki and Alyssa had been standing before. The young blonde woman was waving me over and I made my way toward them. These must have been her school friends, two of whom I recognized as employees from the pet shop at which I'd purchased Duran's plush squid. On cue, a blur of orange moved from behind Natsuki… peering at me and then a full out charge, which made me blink. It seemed, that once the initial hurdle of hesitance was conquered… Duran moved from distrustful to devoted. I was nearly tackled as he dodged and jumped around my legs.

"Hi! You're here!" The young blonde commented scooping up a dog who wiggled madly and made a series of noises to protest the strain he felt at not being able to continue his circling. "Duran, geez."

"Hello, Alyssa." I gave the girl a smile. We'd seen each other in passing at Natsuki's home upon her return and I'd given her a belated birthday present, a leather-bound sketchpad, which she seemed to enjoy. Reaching out, I scratched his head and he curled his lips in a strange imitation of a smile… such personality. "Hello, Duran."

Natsuki moved over toward us and took the dog, raising an eyebrow but unable to hold a smile from him. "Oi, relax."

As soon as the animal was taken, Alyssa surprised me with a hug. I watched Natsuki over her sister's shoulder, smiling at the expression of subtle happiness on her face.

"Hey, Shizuru." Her voice… the small amount of contentedness had even made its way there. I felt suddenly foolish for worrying in the first place.

I glanced her way and she placed her dog down, scratching his back briefly. As she stood, she crossed her arms, gazing back in that new, gentled way she did… it made my chest feel warm. Unable and unwilling to stop myself after she'd effortlessly assured me, I folded her into my arms briefly, mitigating the strength of it. She tensed only briefly and returned it.

"Good afternoon, Natsuki," I said by her ear, quietly… because I wanted it to belong to us.

Alyssa turned to the group of her friends as we broke apart, all enthusiasm. "This is Fujino-san." I faced the group of teenagers to greet them. "My sister's girlfriend." I nearly threw-up my heart at her words and I felt my body stiffen, a bright smile automatically stretching my face. Never in my life… I was not prepared for it nor was I prepared for the emotion I felt over it. She was so enthusiastic in the introduction, proud even. That she would not hesitate for even a moment… that it would not occur to her to do so

"A pleasure to meet you all." My voice felt foreign as it left my throat and I waved at the group of teenagers who had almost no reaction to the news except to greet me in return, as though she'd said nothing unexpected. All at once the anxiousness I'd felt returned. I needed to look at Natsuki… I had not yet done so, even though I could feel her eyes on me. Duran was pawing at my leg. He had clearly noticed the change in me regardless of my attempts to prevent it from manifesting outwardly.

The only obvious reaction to the introduction was from one of the young men who blushingly switched his gaze between us. Finally, I let my eyes wander over to her and there was no upset there, a touch of discomfort … but mostly a question and mostly focused on me. He was still looking, I could sense it as we continued to meet one another's eye. Natsuki put an end to his attention with a strong glare.

Her hand was suddenly in mine and I stared down at it, startled. "Mai wanted to ask you something." She said quietly, pulling me lightly…

A poor excuse I thought, yet I played along. "It was nice meeting you all, but unfortunately it seems I am needed elsewhere." Turning around felt like a breath after being underwater.

"Okay! Come find me later!" The young woman responded.

When I answered, I'd already been able to gather some composure, a bit of real smile overtaking what had been on my face. "Of course! Alyssa still has to finish telling me about her trip."

"Definitely." She gave me that toothy smile and we began to walk away.

Natsuki was observing me, words in her eyes that never left her mouth. "What does Mai need assistance with?"

"It was a lie." I wondered if she thought I did not know that already… that I did not understand she'd seen my discomfort and was attempting to help.

"So you wished to steal me away from that young man's attention?"

Her eyes rolled. "You can go back if you want." Or was it possible she was jealous…

"I find current company much more pleasurable, Natsuki." Fingers twitched lightly against mine. "Besides which, he was thinking of you as well, was he not?"

She puffed air out of her nose. "I don't wanna know what he was thinking of." Not jealous, then... annoyed.

"It is hardly his fault that you look so lovely today."

Her eyes shifted sideways as a scoff tumbled out. As we matched pace, both of us were silent for some time. "Are you hungry?" She tended to ask when she was beginning to feel the need for food herself. It was as if her stomach reminded her I had one of my own.

"Is Natsuki?"

She nodded. Another few steps and she spoke again. "It means a lot to Alyssa that you came."

"I am glad, but it was not only for her." Our hands brushed briefly again and she stole a glance at me, one that communicated she shared her sister's feelings. I considered kissing her, but we were very much in view of several people. I felt some unease with the idea of such a public display. Hugging, having my arms around her briefly… teasing her… such things could be laughed away. It was not the same as kissing her as a lover. As a compromise, I slowed pace, stopped and pressed a light kiss to her cheek, hands resting lightly on a hip and a shoulder. I felt her stiffen in surprise and she gave me another of those curious expressions.

"How has your day been?" I asked, taking in that look on her face.

She waited a moment before answering. "Mai's been going nuts trying to make everything perfect, Nao keeps disappearing, and Alyssa's been running around helping everyone."

"And what have you been doing?"

She pointed to the firepit we were passing. "Trying to stay out of the way."

"Was that your handy work?" It was impressive, well constructed and waiting to be lit.

"Akira too."

"It looks as though you did an excellent job. Kanin-na, but which one is Akira?"

She pointed. "Tokiha Takumi, Mai's brother… and that's his boyfriend, Okuzaki Akira… and those were Alyssa's friends… that's her art teacher." I glanced over to see Aoi reclining in a beach chair, looking absurdly content beneath an umbrella, some fruity drink in her hand.

"Is her lover here as well?"

"You know them?"

"I do. They are friends of mine." I did not explain that Reito had already told me they would be attending… that he'd revealed the connection to Natsuki's sister that I'd suspected since a dinner party some time ago.

"I went to high school with them."

"I recall they're telling me that."

She shot a look my way. "When?"

I smiled. "I wanted to ask, would you be opposed to me lending your sister my car for the evening?"

She sighed… accepting the change in conversation. "It's your car."

A small cove to our right caught my attention, sun-warmed water meandering lazily across weather-worn rock and reflecting bits of sun. "Natsuki would be willing to take me home tonight then?"

A light flush of color took her cheeks, but she did not frown at me. She nodded and I did not know to which meaning of the question she was agreeing. I took her hand and drew her between the rocks, watching as her eyebrow rose but she followed nonetheless.

"What are you doing?" She asked, glancing behind us. Her dog trotted into the secluded area as well.

"I have not rightly said hello to you, have I?" I commented and the other eyebrow rose worriedly as I touched her waist. The boulders on either side of us gave me the bit of privacy I needed to let my affection for her dictate my behavior. I considered whether to steal in for a quick press of our lips, but that was not what I wanted. Neither speed nor thievery would truly satisfy and I rested my hands more fully against her. Her body was tightening beneath my touch, but she was not retreating.

"Shizuru…" There was a touch of stress there.

Those relentless questions that were thorny vines around our time together squeezed tighter until I had no choice but to pay them heed. "Would you be angry if I kissed you, Natsuki?" I asked, feeling oddly anxious.

She gazed at me for a moment, back behind us and then pressed an unexpected peck of a kiss on my lips. Though pleasant, that brief press was not enough and I captured her eyes with mine, attempting to regain my composure. My hand was quicker than my mind, catching the side of her face gently. Her lips squeezed together for a moment, her eyes unsure, one last check behind us and Duran followed suit, ears shifting. As she turned back, before I could lean forward fully she met me in a much more substantial kiss, one that made my eyes close. It was not long nor deep but fogged my mind with feeling. There was the most adorable expression on her face after we parted and I could not help myself yet again… needed a bit of relief from the odd floating sensation in my chest.

"Should I assume you are not angry then?" I dragged a finger along her nose, smiling at her. She gazed at me with an expression that was a combination of amusement and annoyance…that tongue was against her cheek. One of my unusual whims took me, perhaps because I was so wound with repressed reaction, and I ran my index finger lightly over the bulge. It disappeared immediately as she visibly jumped, too surprised for a blush. Admittedly, it was a strange thing to do.

Blinking, she shook her head at me as though I'd said something perverse that she was attempting not to find funny. Natsuki took her leave of our small hideaway. My confidence was somewhat restored and my tension was eased by both the teasing and the tingle left by her kiss. I smiled to myself before moving to exit.

As we walked side-by-side again, I received only an unconvincing glare that melted quickly. My thoughts kept floating to her sister's unflinching introduction… girlfriend. That word had never been used in reference to me. Even more foreign was its presence amongst family or dear friends… as though I could belong there simply by virtue of my involvement with Natsuki. It was the normalization of a part of my life, which though never really intentionally lied about, had always been very intentionally ambiguous… very deliberately glossed over and more often than not left unsaid. I found myself struggling with it. There was resistance there to the casual treatment of something like this… to think that it was no different from Mai and Reito. The nonsensical, but solid separation in my mind between myself and others like me… Chie and Aoi or Mai's brother and his lover… it was also being erased. I was accustomed to secrecy, to having this sort of thing reduced to a joke, an indulgence… a sin…something that could never be taken seriously. It was a shift in perception and it seemed I was not wholly ready for it, despite all that had happened. To have Alyssa be excited, unashamedly and unquestioningly accepting of our budding relationship… as if there was no other choice of reaction…for some indefinable reason, it felt completely separate from the acceptance of my friends or my father. I tripped over the thought that it was any more important. These musings fully took me and by the time I realized how deeply I'd fallen into them, she had noticed as well. I gave her a smile and she appeared largely unconvinced, slightly concerned even. Yet as I gazed at her my mind began to wander backward… girlfriend.

I refocused, searching for a new topic… pausing to look at the ocean. A glance sideways revealed Tokiha-han and his lover, perched near the arrangement of wood. Presumably, they intended to light it. I was again filled with curiosity over them… over one of them… a woman dressed as a man… a man with strong traces of femininity that triggered my senses… or a person who was one becoming the other. All three scenarios were fascinating to me, evoked questions.

"Natsuki…" She turned to look my way. "Mai's brother… the person he is dating." Her full attention was focused on me and I could see her attempting to figure out what I would ask. "Is a man?" She stopped and stared at me for a moment, retracing her steps to stand beside me. It seemed she was waiting for me to say something more… did not think that was the end of it. "He has always been so?"

It was clear she had not the slightest idea what I was asking, and the realization came. Her neck arched as her eyes landed upon the pair. They were sitting now, hands just shy of touching as Okuzaki lit the base of the wood pile. Verdant pools flicked back to me, confused and then blank. I felt ridiculous for asking as it was apparent that the question had never crossed her mind.

She looked their way again… no discernable reaction, no discernable concern really…only that intent expression. "Why would you think…"

"Kanin-na. A silly thought." And perhaps one that should not have been voiced… my irritation with myself returned because despite it all, I still wished to know. More than likely it was a fleeting question to her, one that would not stay. I seldom became so fixated on something… but it called into question my intuition…that must have been the cause. She again did not voice her thoughts.

We returned to the group at large and I set my mind to focus on chat. It would be nice to enjoy a bit of sun as well, though my mother's warnings about tanning rang in my head immediately. Nonetheless, I removed my shirt and shorts, feeling the heat on my skin when my gaze met that of a woman who had only seen me in so little once before and by accident. I expected a blush, but there was not one… there was an unwavering and deliberate holding of my eyes instead. I wondered at her not having removed her own clothing… at her not taking me in. She was quite difficult to read at times.

Chie and Aoi kept sneaking glances at Natsuki and it was a small miracle that she did not seem to notice their attention. A brief exchange with Yohko as she arrived, pleasantries with Mai, and bits of conversation with Reito. I enjoyed her redheaded friend. She got along famously with my own friends, the fact that she was sleeping with one of them likely oiling the gears so to speak. I had not seen much of the bartender, only once in passing. It was interesting to watch Natsuki interact in two worlds at once… with people who she knew very well and those, she did not. The shift in her personality, the divide obvious… from conversational and slightly sarcastic to serious and largely indifferent depending upon whom she was speaking to. She talked quietly with Mai who seemed to be teasing her about still having her clothes on… which I'd wondered at too… perhaps that body shyness, but I could only catch bits of their conversation. I had to invest myself in my own. I was no longer certain it was shyness in any case, it seemed more like a wall erected between her and others… a matter or privacy more than embarrassment. She was not embarrassed by her body… she had no reason to be though that did not seem to dissuade many a woman I'd met.

Nothing, not even watching her, was able to keep my attention entirely and I was puzzled by a discomfort that pitted itself against my need to be near the woman that I felt so strongly for. In this case, it would seem that small talk was my espresso machine. The conflict was evident more in my posture than anything else, body tilted toward her, knees only a few inches away from hers, my face toward whomever I was speaking to. It was symbolic in some sense… my body always knew what it wanted, it was my head that made me falter. Whether that was for better or worse was a question I struggled with. My smile felt unnatural on my lips and I wanted to close my eyes for a moment, blink everyone else away and breathe her in… it would be steadiness, but that was not possible.

As I chatted with Reito about his new position, something finally managed to bind my attention to one spot. I was overcome by the sensation one tends to get when a person in a decidedly foul mood enters the room… ice on your neck. Turning my head, I realized it was emanating from the dark-haired woman beside me. She was no longer speaking with Mai… the woman had left and was back at the grill. In her absence, Natsuki had somehow elected to transform herself into a miniature thundercloud. She did not notice my gaze, so instead, I followed hers. It became immediately apparent what had drawn her ire. In the water was her sister perched happily atop the young man's shoulders who had blushed at us earlier. They were shoving at the young woman I'd met in the pet shop who was balanced atop the young man with the broom. They all looked quite happy… the young men especially.

"Natsuki…" I said gently.

"What?" She answered… stare darkening. Reito sensed the atmosphere and politely excused himself, wandering over toward where Mai had gone off to.

"You look troubled." I worried as a hand traveled the slightest bit higher on Alyssa's thigh, presumably a grip adjustment… with an added benefit. It was not distastefully high… I thought.

"What the hell!" It would be wrong of me to think this amusing…yet I did, terribly so. She was incredibly endearing when she was protective. I became concerned though as she moved to stand up and I placed a palm on her leg, attempting not to notice how soft her skin was. She glared at me… more aggravated than I originally believed.

"It is just a game, no?" I asked gently.

"Do you see his hand?"

I attempted not to patronize her. "I do, yes." In a somewhat unfair move, the pet shop duo charged, knocking both Alyssa and the man into the water and nearly on top of one another. That was not a good development.

"Come on, Shiz." Chie interjected and green eyes snapped her way, vaguely interested. "He's definitely trying to pull something." I sighed to myself, glancing at the shorthaired woman, a touch of a smirk on my lips. It was difficult to resist 'poking the bear' so to speak, but I did not think now was the time.

My eyes jumped back to the water and the two teenagers came to the surface, sputtering but full of laughter… his hands on her waist to guide her up. They stood and his hands did not leave. It was a bit bolder and I was almost nervous to see her reaction. I watched as Alyssa bit her lip, looked to whisper to him.

"Jackass." Her lip nearly curled at him and I thought she might attack.

"Definitely." Chie agreed. "He's a creep." I felt bad for the young man. He was being rather obvious, but he was also 18 and in the close company of a lovely young lady. It was to be expected I thought and though I was loathed to admit it, I empathized with his plight. Beaches could sorely test one's self-control.

Still, I tried to appease with a bit of jest. "Perhaps he is being a bit handsy." Natsuki threw me a look before she nudged me with an elbow.

Aoi laughed. "Not compared to those other two." She indicated the duo from the pet shop who were much more affectionate and I realized she likely taught them as well. "I'd be more worried if he wasn't interested." She squeezed her partner's hand. "Better get used to it. You've got ten years before that's Keiko, Chie-chan."

The most uncomfortable look came over my friend and she stared at the teenagers again, frowning. There was little reaction from Natsuki to their chat, she was still quite focused on her sister, but I did notice her quick glance at their hands. The boy dove at the legs of the other couple, all three of them tumbling into the ocean…also a rather unfair move.

I spoke quietly, more to Natsuki than the others. "Handsiness can be troublesome, but it does seem Alyssa is quite capable of handling herself, do you not think so?" She looked over at me briefly and nodded. I turned to the pair on my opposite side. "I am certain Keiko-chan will be as well."

"We all know she's gonna be trouble," Chie confessed.

When he came up, Alyssa shoved him back into the water by his forehead and then grinned down at them all. It seemed competitiveness ran in the family.

Natsuki erupted in a quick laugh and glasses were adjusted. "Guess so." Chie threw in. "Go Alyssa."

Deservedly, revenge from the three water-logged teenagers looked as though it would be swift, but she elected for a retreat instead and they all took off down the beach. "And there she goes…" Aoi giggled to herself.

"NATSUKI!" One eye closed at the volume and her head whipped toward Mai, who had yelled her name and was waving her over. Reito had made his way over and they were exchanging the most telling glances… they'd not been able to spend much time together. She paused after a few steps and turned.

"Are you coming?" Though her tone was by no means gentle, her eyes told me she wanted me to follow and so I did. The touch to my hand surprised me and we made our way over together.

She had been called so that she could, though not entirely voluntarily, relieve Mai of her grill duties and entertain Mikoto such that she could spend a moment with Reito. I had told her I wanted to go for a walk and she had nodded. I dressed and strolled a ways down the beach, up the stairs, and along the boardwalk. I needed a moment to collect myself anyway, to let my smile relax and simply enjoy the ocean breeze and the natural beauty of this place… to be away from so much bared flesh, her beautiful legs, and messages both internal and external that I could not fully sort out. It was regrettable that I could not drag Natsuki with me. Certainly, I'd been able to steal quite a few with her already... so it was more than fair. I had not noticed at first, but her dog had followed me, trotting beside me and sending curious looks my way... hints of anxiousness betrayed by the flattening of his ears. I smiled at him genuinely. It was necessary because he sensed the difference easily. Animals were much more difficult to fool with pretty looks and lying eyes... they needed to feel it. He called attention to when I was tense, often before I realized it myself. Knowing Natsuki as I did, I texted her to let her know Duran was with me...kept myself between him and the road even though there was a reasonable distance there already.

An overlook ahead called my attention and I walked out to the railing. It was likely that there were several of these along this road, but still, I wondered whether this was the one we'd parked at that night. Sitting atop the metal railing, legs crossed and hanging was the bartender... cigarette dangling from her lips.

"You'll have to get yourself a drink Doc. I'm off work." She did not even look in my direction as she spoke, smoke curling from her lips.

I resisted the urge to smile at her. "It has been some time. How are you?"

Expressionless eyes flicked my way and she took a drag from the cigarette she was holding rather oddly… the smell came to me. Marijuana… it was somewhat unexpected and I had not seen one of those in quite sometime… perhaps since college. "Peachy. Why are you up here?"

"I decided to go for a walk. You?"

"A smoke and some silence." Red hair was pushed from her face and the smell was blown in my direction from the side of her lips. "Had my fill of people for a bit."

"I do hope my presence is not bothersome."

"Getting there. You're dripping noise all over my quiet." She stared at me, tone dry. "Look Doc, don't come over and start talking to me like we're friends. Unless I'm getting paid, that's not how this works."

Not the most auspicious of starts, certainly. "How does this work?"

"It doesn't. I don't know you."

"I see."

"Tokiha likes everyone. She's too friendly for her own damn good and Alyssa's just a kid. Don't get me wrong, I don't give a shit about the pup playing gay with you. If it makes her happy to do whatever the hell you two do, fine." I felt my mind hardening as I listened, my expression neutralizing… but my confusion kept me interested at least. "Fuck, I can't believe I'm doing this right now." I hadn't the slightest idea what to say as she moved to stand beside me. There was a long pause. Her hands rose to the cross around her neck and she held it in her fingers, worrying it… gaze quite deliberately averted. "Most people are hollow, selfish excuses… but some you can't beat the decency out of…that bit of decency clings like a damn leech." Her narrowed eyes rolled toward me. "I don't know what your deal is… but I do know you sit in my bar with that tease-y little smile and mess with people. You did it here too. Normally I wouldn't give a shit about that either. Good for you. You're so damn charming." My head turned a bit as her gaze fell toward the ocean… voice lowering. "You could fuck over any pretty thing stupid enough to think it's love." There was such an intense sadness that hung about her as she uttered this and I was left with the distinct impression that I did not know a single true thing about this woman… even if she recognized some kernel of truth in me. I was shocked by how much it softened the blow dealt by her words. "Kuga's not some pretty thing. Don't tell her sweet little bullshit lies and then go fuck around on her. If that's what you're gonna do, just leave her alone. She's gotten shit on enough." The spent remains of the marijuana cigarette were tossed carelessly into the ocean. "She deserves better than that."

I crossed my arms over my chest, holding my elbows. "She does."

"Be it then." There was something beneath that quiet, completely flat tone that instantly worried me. Some gnawing remnant of indecipherable feeling buried in her nonchalance… as if I had suddenly brought to the surface some hidden memory… as if she were only half speaking to me. Her eyes remained locked on mine for some time and then she stood upright, a cat-like mischievousness infesting her smirk, masking the bit of feeling that had come through. "Good chat Doc."

"Indeed." I watched her retreating form, unsettled by our exchange… by what she saw in me and what I'd become to her at that moment.

There was a logical part of my mind that understood her purpose… a friend looking out for her friend, but it struck a chord in me. It was not unfounded, her concern. I did behave a certain way around others… a way that I had not considered in the context of being in a relationship with someone else. So lost in my thoughts was I, that the movement of Natsuki's dog startled me as he leaped onto the seawall sitting and watching me… us at eye level.

"Duran." His head cocked and he tapped my elbow and yawned at me. I was tense it would seem. My fingers slipped from my arm to touch his muzzle and he licked them… something I was still getting used to, still resisting the urge to pull my hand away. The dog had come to trust me… perhaps it was not entirely impossible that Nao-han might. In her words, all it took was a shred of decency from me… it was quite possible that I had some spackled to the cavern my secrets had dug inside me. How to reign in my own flirtatiousness though… how to fix the part of me that craved…

Instead of tumbling into despair, her speech made me wish that I had the trust in myself to not let this penetrate as it had… to think of it more objectively. Perhaps it would help me know how to be what she deserved, how to even go about determining such a thing. Such a reaction was an improvement I thought. It did hold some implication that I'd found a reason to think learning to trust myself with Natsuki was not a fool's errand. That this did not so much bring doubt as sadness was an improvement as well. Yet improvement was still more emotionally painful than I would have liked. Today was still more emotionally painful than I would have liked and I still felt the heaviness of unfulfilled passions beneath my skin.

I walked back along the beach considering Nao-han's words, hands across my upper arms. This was the second time I'd done so today… sought solitude when I did not truly want it. Duran trotted beside me, ears twitching… I was making him nervous again and I was not really alone was I? Not with him here.

"Shizuru-san!" I glanced up to see Alyssa running toward me.

"Did you escape your pursuers?" She blushed, clearly embarrassed.

"Ha, I did thanks. I wanted to catch you before I left. My friends and I are going out to celebrate."

I gave her a raised eyebrow. "Ara… should I be concerned?"

"No, no! I'm sure Nat will be concerned enough for both of you."

"I am glad that you found me, I have something I wanted to give you."

Her blue eyes lit up. "You got me a present?!"

"It is nothing really. Only for the night."

I could see her puzzling over the statement and then it hit her. "…no way."

"You are refusing?" I feigned a pout, mild offense.

"Really?"

"If you'd like the car for you and your friends. I've said before, you enjoy it far more than I do."

"Really?"

"I have secured alternate transportation. I brought your MP3 player. The keys are in my bag, you are welcome to take them."

"Shizuru-san…"

A part of me was embarrassed by her gratitude, so I gave a bright smile and patted her cheek. "It is not even a true present. You must return it after."

Another hug that surprised me. "Thanks."

"I have heard you convinced your father to let you stay in Japan." Natsuki had been visibly relieved when she relayed that bit of information to me, and I had not realized how much it was weighing on her until then. Though her face often expressed emotions as they passed, her thought processes and worries were much more guarded. I had trouble reaching them… I was certain she felt the same about me. The difference was that she was willing to share them when asked directly and I struggled even then.

"I did." A proud little smile crept onto her lips.

I was happy for the news as well. "A second round of congratulations are owed."

She grinned at me. "You're letting me borrow your car, I think that's enough. I'm still gonna come by on some Tuesdays… even if school is done."

"And I will still look forward to it. Go find your friends."

"Okay. See you later! And thanks again." She moved off in the direction of my blanket and I followed at a slower pace, sewing my calm back into place.

With Alyssa's departure, the party began to wind down, people taking their leave slowly. Natsuki, Mikoto, Reito, and I assisted Mai with the cleanup. They departed soon after, hugs and well wishes and suddenly it was only the two of us. It was what I had been waiting for… and yet I could feel the energy running through my skin already.

I glanced her way as she poked at what remained of the bonfire with a large stick. It needed to be extinguished before we left. My vision was not as sharp as it had been when I'd arrived and the waves of heat further distorted her figure. I did not care much for sunglasses, how they sat on my nose and the way they changed the shape of my face… held the hot air between me and the plastic frame. The sacrifice was that on such days, by the close of them my eyes held a touch of fatigue. The bright sun beating down for hours robbed them of their sharpness as it pulled a bit of saturation from the world. Everything acquired a muted quality, the heat seemingly baking the color out of things. The low sun was welcome at this point even though the glory of such weather was appreciated. Soon we were sitting in on the beach… the two of us… on a blanket beside the dwindling flames. Nao-han had taken Duran to drop him off at Natsuki's home giving the two of us an interesting look as she left with him, one that made dark-haired woman scowl at her.

"What's up with you?" She asked quietly, but without the harshness that such words could carry.

"Natsuki is always so concerned for me." The sort of oscillating uneasiness that I felt would be difficult to explain. She leaned back on arms stretched behind her, sighing and glancing at me. My defenses loosened a bit. "It is nothing."

Her discomfort caused her to shift, bend knees and rest her arms atop them. "It's something. You've been weird for a while now."

I smiled to myself. "So fond of that word still."

A light shake of her head. "Back to misdirection again, no?"

"I think the world of you Natsuki, truly I do." I stroked her cheek, giving her a smile. "But your Kyoto-ben really does need work." She frowned at me. It was not fair of me to hide so much from her… how I was feeling. I chose the least complex of the things that had been plaguing me. "Do you find that I am flirtatious?"

A tiny scoff of a laugh jumped from her and I attempted to hold in my offense. I knew that I was, it was something I'd done to her since first we'd met. "Is that a serious question?"

"With people other than yourself?"

The clarification seemed to only confuse her more. "You know you are."

"I suppose I mean to ask if it troubles you." Yes… that was what I wanted to know.

She frowned before answering, which was answer enough. "I don't really get it." A light rub to her neck, hair moved aside. "You think that many people are attractive?"

"There are degrees of attraction," I said quietly.

"Not for me."

I did not consider her to be a person driven by fleeting infatuations, did not even know whether she experienced such things, yet I wanted to be certain I understood what she meant. "How is that?"

"They either are or they aren't." At times her phrasing was so matter-of-fact.

"I do hope I am one of those then."

She raised her eyebrow at me but refused to be baited any further than that. A small twitch in her lips changed her face. "Do you mean it?"

It took me a moment to catch her meaning. "I do not mean it as an invitation," I observed her carefully as I stated this. It was a challenge to imagine going through life without noticing the physical charm of others. "If not attractive, do you think people beautiful or handsome?"

I could see the gears of her mind turning as she thought over the question. "That's math."

"Math." It was a notion I found somewhat unattractive.

She glanced over at me. "You never heard that?"

"Is that what you see when you look at someone?" I found myself questioning if when she saw my face it was as a line of numbers and measurements.

"It's automatic. We don't like asymmetric on instinct. It's deviation." An interesting thing to say and it made me wonder how she felt about her own body modifications.

"Asymmetry and deviation can be very attractive things. It is my understanding that there are a great many people who enjoy tattoos and piercings for that very reason." I gave her a smile because I, for one, enjoyed such things… not tattoos and piercings per se, but the unexpected. She shrugged, thinking something over. "Have you regretted your own?" I asked, quietly.

There was a flash of something on her face almost like hurt or wariness, which I took note of. "No."

"Does it not sometimes seem that uniqueness makes something all the more beautiful even if it is not traditionally considered so?" Small imperfections, a beauty mark or a scar or a small gap between someone's teeth… I seemed to remember these instances of attraction more than others. Attraction to something which was not widely considered attractive if symmetry was the benchmark... they were etched in my mind. Perhaps it was because they were endearing. Endearing attractive, beautiful… they were all of the same cloth for me. It seemed her experience of them was far more separate. "Of course there are also those moments when I find something beautiful or attractive or affecting and the reason escapes me entirely."

She was deep in thought, eyebrows knitting. "I get that."

"Do you?"

Her lips quirked and she seemed distracted. After a moment, she reached out and touched one of the light brown tendrils that kept falling down to annoy my face. "I didn't know your hair was this curly."

She followed the waves in it and gave the lock a lopsided smile when it defiantly bounced back upward. She surprised me by reaching behind my head and taking out the clip that held back my hair. It fell around my face immediately, loose and slightly disobedient already. I had spent some time with it this morning, product and patience and twirling. Oddly enough, it took far longer to make my hair presentable in its natural state than it did to simply blow-dry it. Her eyes followed the bits I could feel shifting in the wind as her fingers retreated. It was very different than her straight hair… very different than how I most often presented it. The volume could never be truly erased, but these curls were easy enough to hide.

"Why don't you wear it like this?"

A slight turn of my head to press my lips to her fingers before they escaped. "I suppose it makes me slightly self-conscious. It looks a bit too untamed, I would say."

She gave me a small smile, as though that was the answer she knew I would give. The next addition to our previous conversation came after another moment of silence. "Knowing someone's good-looking means nothing else to me. Being attracted to someone… that's different."

"I would agree." There was something in her head she was mulling over. "What is Natsuki thinking of?"

It took a few beats of indecision for her to speak it aloud. "Did you... ever think a man was?"

The question was not one I expected because no one had ever truly broached the subject with me before. "Attractive, you mean?"

Her jaw shifted. "Is that an asinine thing to say?"

"No, it is not. Please." I touched her arm. I could see why she would be curious over such a thing and I considered my answer. "I see men as handsome, but not attractive. I can appreciate their looks and see why it is some other woman might be interested… but there is no interest attached to it on my part. I only feel that with other women." I paused for a moment, flashes of my life firing in my mind… my babysitters, my piano teacher… my days in high school and college. "I only ever have."

She nodded to herself. "You always knew."

"In a way, I did, yes." It could be said that I knew before I knew. It felt unusual to discuss this openly, and I did not think I could have done so with anyone else. I had always kept myself at a distance from such discussions, of first times and realizations and my own feelings about myself… even with Chie and Aoi.

Her thumb ran along the back of my hand absentmindedly. "How?"

It required consideration because I did not have ready answers and it left me with only honesty. "Since I was a child, I've tended to find women fascinating in one way or another… wanted to be around them. It was not until I was a bit older that I began to understand it for what it was… to give a name to it and to associate it with what I understood of such matters." I could sense her curiousness and her reluctance to speak about such things warring… curiosity won.

"What did you think of it before that?"

It was a difficult thing to answer and so I was quiet for a few moments, collecting my thoughts. "That it was no different than how anyone else thought I suppose… until it became apparent that most young ladies were not quite so enamored with the beauty of their own sex." She blushed at my phrasing and I considered it. The comment could be taken as something else entirely… not my intention, but I did not think she would even realize the double meaning. I continued as though I'd not said something that could be construed as off color. "Most women I find beautiful… intriguing for one reason or another. Variation and deviations are a part of that certainly." I glanced her way and gave her a silly smile to mask my discomfort. "Though physical perfection does have its charms as well."

"Shizuru!" She was frowning with a visible annoyance and a larger proportion of the embarrassment I knew would accompany my words.

It was a deliberate tease, but she kept catching me at my least prepared. To be so unable to dictate the flow of the conversation… to not have the chance to pick and choose words from some mix I'd stored in my head already was difficult for me. Speaking my mind or my heart… it was still an uncomfortable novelty made possible only by the connection I felt with her.

"What I feel for you Natsuki, the attraction I feel towards you… it is different than the more casual type of attraction I feel with others. There is something beyond attraction inside it… something I consider very rare." Green eyes regarded me with a steadiness that made me change the subject because they drove home what I'd truly just said to her. "I believe to some extent my method of speaking to others… my method of seeing others, the flirtatiousness… it is from my father, a bit of his gregariousness that I cannot rein in properly." It was not meant as an excuse, though it did sound that way.

She nodded as she touched the sand between us. "He teased me just like you do."

It was clear that she was more unsettled by her statement than I was. That my father and I had independently flirted with the same woman… it would not have been the first time such a thing occurred, though it would be one of the few times I was old enough to fully understand what I was doing. I was suddenly struck by the image of what it would have been like if I had taken her to meet my parents… if my situation had been different than it was… if it had not been a source of shame and he was still alive. Natsuki may not have survived the dual assault. A bittersweet smile crossed my lips as I imagined it. Shaking the image away, I continued the conversation.

"But it does bother you to see?"

She met my eyes and crossed her arms. "I know it's your thing. Mai cooks, Nao insults people, you tease people."

"If it truly upsets you…"

Her eyes turned away from me. "Don't tell me you'll fix it. I don't wanna start out that way."

"What if I told you I would attempt to be more mindful of it? Where others are concerned of course." It was not something I was entirely sure I could erase as concerned my everyday interactions, but as concerned her, I was certain I'd never be rid of it... as concerned her, I honestly did not want to be rid of it.

She looked at me with a deadly serious face. "I didn't ask for that." Her difficulty with anything that she perceived as taking care of her, inequality… it infused her comment.

"And what if I wanted to without you requesting it? What if I wanted these things for myself?" What if I wanted to, simply to be the type of person you deserve? That was the thought in my head, but I did not voice it.

"Shizuru…"

"I find myself wondering what your thing might be."

"I don't have a thing." She rubbed at her arms, staring at the ocean… at the waves cracking on the shore, looking almost perturbed by them. The lightly gusting winds had increased the size of the waves considerably from what they had been during the afternoon.

"That is not the truth." Loyalty… it was not a thing to be minimized, but it was not a thing I could properly explain. She stayed despite logic or reason or harshness… she stayed. It was not for just anyone either, that I had become one of those she wished to stay beside, it meant more than it should. I watched her for a moment, watched the way the breeze played in her hair, glided across skin I had barely touched today. I did not wait for her to initiate this time because some small voice inside me, said that I'd been holding back too much. It whispered that it was not inherently wrong for me to need her or want her as much as I did. Though I could not be sure that my mind had devised a clever way around my restraining it, the intoxicating idea of allowing this was permeating the air around us. I could see it filling her as well, and wondered if it was not my desire she was sensing and responding to. It made me suddenly push down and ignore my inner voice, withhold myself again.

She blinked at me, turned to look away frowning at the large rocky outcropping some ten feet away from where the bonfire lay. It would be out in an hour or so I thought.

I barely stopped myself from reaching for her as she grabbed the edges of the rock, hoisting herself up in a rather impressive show of agility and strength.

She was nearly at the top when I found my voice. "Natsuki seems to have some sort of predilection for heights. I cannot even see you!"

"Then come up." Her response sounded muffled.

"Perhaps you should come down!" She looked over the edge. I stared up at her raising a brow and she disappeared again. I cupped my hands over my mouth to project my voice. "Natsuki!"

"You did fine on the roof." She yelled back. "Come up!"

I took a breath in. "Ara…" Reluctantly, I rolled the sleeves of my blouse. It seemed I had no choice but to go seek her out. I eyed the side of the rock face, mentally selecting my holds. It was nowhere near as sharp as I feared, which was fortunate given my choice of footwear. Some irrational part of me considered that I had to do this regardless if only to keep her from returning to the thought that I was indeed a princess. Why that should bother me though...

To have to a climb a rock… a large, rather craggy rock…in sandals no less…I had not done anything like this since I was a child. Of course, I had not spent much time on rooftops before I met her either. I was able to get up with much more grace than I had anticipated. The surface was worn by wind and water… dried by the sun so it was not overly slippery. I straightened my blouse after hauling myself up and took a seat beside her, happily taken unaware by a quick kiss placed on my lips. At least there was a reward involved.

"Hey." She was smiling, small but genuine…looking significantly more content than she had moments ago on the ground. All it took was an overgrown stone it seemed. We were toward the edge of the rock, where outcroppings of stone on either side mostly hid us, the height adding to the seclusion of this place. It was not all that dissimilar from the area where we'd kissed.

"I had not anticipated having to scale a miniature mountain tonight. I would have worn more practical shoes."

She laughed, short and sharp. "You have those?"

I gave her something of a look before I allowed it to soften. "I would have bought some."

"At least you didn't wear a skirt tonight."

"It would have made it a challenge." I agreed. "It was a lovely party Natsuki."

I realized then that she had tucked her hands into her sleeves. "Mai did most of it. She's good at things like this." The darker shirt she was wearing… it was somewhat transparent but in an uneven way and it appeared, from behind at least, that there was some sort of pattern underlying it. I puzzled over it in the light of the setting sun and then wondered if that was a bra or a bikini top barely visible as well.

I hesitated for a moment before I moved my body behind hers… thighs on the outside of hers and my arms curled around her waist. It was bold of me to hold her from behind and rest my chin on her shoulder. She tensed and then relaxed, a cloth covered hand passing over my arms. I held her close to my body, slipping my own hands over hers to rest against her stomach. "Are you cold?"

"Only my hands." The thin cotton did little to hide the feel of her slender but toned body. I pulled my arms back and ran my fingers smoothly, firmly down the length of her forearms, interlacing fingers with hers and bringing her closer still. She tensed and tightened and I drew away from her, I moved back… a bit of space. She apparently had no use for it as she simply leaned back and I could not help the relieved smile on my face. Embracing her… holding her… or her holding me… these were the times when I found it easiest to consider the idea of an us, to imagine something like this might be a life instead of something dismissible.

The night on Reito's roof returned to me once again, the seasons now reversed. Being so close to her, the clean smell of saltwater floating in the evening and in her hair replacing the smell of ice from months ago. I shut my eyes to properly savor this because it was what I wanted months ago given to me. Just as they were before, my actions were merely a reason to touch her.

An unusually long stretch of time elapsed before I arrived at something to say. "I've always found it curious how very different the sea looks at night."

She continued watching the ocean warily. "I don't like it." It was said quietly.

"It is unsettling…not all that different from walking in the woods after dark, I suppose," I spoke into her hair.

"Do you like the ocean?"

"I think it is beautiful. The vastness of it and the color in the daylight, the way that it reflects and distorts at the same time, but I would prefer to stay on the beach."

"Can you swim?"

I smiled to myself. "Not exceptionally well, but with sufficient skill so as not to drown myself. In truth, I have little interest in wading in further than waist level."

"Why?"

"As a child, I was taken by the undertow while on vacation with my parents. My father rescued me. It was not at night, but I am sure it would have been exponentially more frightening if it had been." All I could recall of it was the sensation of being spun around, not knowing up from down, the burn of salt water in my nose, and my father's hands… hands that seemed so large back then, plucking me from the water's grasp.

There was a prolonged stretch of silence during which I found her completely unreadable. I watched over her shoulder as the fingers of her right hand closed around a rock, worrying it. I could not say why I didn't speak, only that it did not feel like the time to. When she did say something, it was not anything I was prepared for. "My mother's car went off one of these cliffs and into the ocean." She threw the rock into the darkness and it fell through it, sinking with a wet thud. "The water looked just liked this."

When she'd said accident I had assumed it was with another vehicle... a collision. That was somehow worse… the cold, and the blackness closing in... I could not imagine. "We have no need to remain here, Natsuki. Do you wish to leave?"

"I don't care if I'm up here." That explained the climbing. The intensity with which she was focused on the ocean, perhaps that was what made me hold her tighter.

Turning around to face me she knelt between my legs, between my parted thighs. I drew them beneath me to give her more room. We sat while observing one another in a run of silence. Her in shorts… I was attempting not to look down because I had already. My palms were dying to know what her legs felt like, how her calves would feel resting against them, how smooth her thighs would be if I ran fingers along them. And how could my thoughts so quickly turn after what we'd just spoken of? I felt ashamed.

Those stunning green eyes bored deeply into my own as if they were trying to make sense of me and her lips turned up on the right side. Her eyelids then fell closed for a moment. I observed all of this… confused by it. I felt my head tilt.

She was clearly nervous but leaned forward slowly pressed her lips to mine. Her face was still difficult to decipher when we parted, but then she moved to kiss me again. My hand fell to her uncovered knee to steady myself. A kiss is like anything else, it has a personality… a character. They are always best when styles complement each other… and I had been kissed well before, but this was entirely different as so much about being with her was. Her kisses… they became more and more passion provoking with time, with each receding of her fears and insecurities. The kisses we shared when she was intoxicated… they held the least restraint… but the kisses we shared now, inhibitions taken by what continued to build between us, by immersive feeling… were drowning me. As she settled into this, into us, they became a caress, stroking bottom lip, lush touches of her mouth to mine, everything expressive… even her breath betraying her when her closed eyes were unable. I could neither explain nor pinpoint what in her kisses swathed my mind… soaked my confused senses in calming pools of delicious warmth. These were not like candy as sometimes is said of addictive kisses. They were like some savory taste given in bites too small to satisfy such that each one only left me wanting more… only left me wondering and picking at what could result in such a sensory experience. They drove me mad through the haze though, most especially when her fingers found their way to the base of my neck. She always held onto me when we kissed… as though she were staying herself against it. It was no wonder they did nothing to relieve my tension…

When we broke contact, her gaze left mine, head turning to find the rolling waves. Her neck moved as she swallowed again. The first time she did that… looked away after we'd kissed, it concerned me. I had since realized she was processing the experience. Where they left me with toe-curling need and heated skin, our kisses seemed to leave her stunned. To some extent, beyond the desire, they surprised me as well… the things that I felt with her.

That look was a look of analysis and there was most definitely something she was considering as concerned our kisses and touches… in my reactions. It was something I tried to unravel many times before, but I still could not bring myself to ask her directly. The very idea of it terrified me. Us together like this… the anxiousness still existed for both of us. When she returned to herself, she reached out... touched my hair again and I let her do as she wished with it. The strands were pulled away and drawn back from my neck. Warm lips hovered there, breath warming my skin before she kissed it. My eyes closed at the feeling.

"Is this ok?" The quiet question surprised me as did its timing. It was spoken just below my ear and I felt her forehead rest, then tighten against my skin.

It seemed she had noticed my struggles, perhaps interpreted it as reluctance. It was not what I intended and not what I felt, at least not in the way she believed.

Why was I was still embarassingly plagued by the question of whether this was for my sake or out of real desire? My mind was now debating itself…had her behavior when she was intoxicated not had suggested that beneath her anxiousness, she did want this? That she wanted to further the sexual side of our relationship? Had all of her actions tonight not suggested it as well? How to know if she was ready?

Holding these walls up and holding myself back all at once was so strenuous now, and I wondered if it would not be better to let them fall... they would sooner or later. My hesistation was again noticed, and she drew back, watching me.

"Natsuki…" I could not seem to find words beyond her name, in that particular moment. Adjusting myself, I moved closer... a thigh between hers, her right thigh between mine... and I dared not lower myself. Keeping one set of fingertips on the ground and another on her hip for balance, we gazed at each other.

Her hands unsteadily slipped beneath the fabric of my shirt, fingers gliding across my abdomen… cool on my warm skin. In these last seconds, I had progressed beyond struggling against myself and as she touched me, sober and deliberate… I hardly wanted to even try. Hot air jetted from her nose, the noise drawing my attention. She kept my eyes when I opened them… something that looked very much like a challenge drilling into me as her touch traveled to my ribs. My palms moved to her thighs unbidden, a few inches above her knees. The familiar goosebumps rose along her legs as my hands slid, glided outward… landed near her hips.

Her exhale carried the slightest unsteadiness as she leaned forwardm her lips following the curve of my neck again, pulling my stomach taut. The sensation of it, thankfully blew my thoughts to pieces, sweeping them away as she followed the muscles there. Her forehead eventually fell to rest on my shoulder, but her hands did not still. Her touch was slow motion, coercive as it pushed up my torso… devouring as it journeyed higher still. I was unready when her hands flitted over my breasts, resting there with feather lightness…as though they were untouchably hot. That green gaze dropped and then palms settled firmly over the cloth that covered them.

"Tell me to stop... " My mind barely understood what she'd said, but I felt confusion at it, why she felt it should be said. "If that's what you want, Shizuru." She added, her hands resting where she'd left them.

My answer was whispers woven from weakness, desires leaking through. "And if I do not want that Natsuki?" All that I could think was that I wanted this while she was sober and my eyes fell closed. The blood crept up my nape, as embarrassment and fear snapped against me.

I felt her head roll, mouth close to my ear. "Then stop being so damn careful." Those words and all of the want in me, it was like steam rising from my limbs and torso, curling my back.

My body began to absolutely rebel against my continued passivity in this… began to stress my edges, taking my voice… desire coating in me was giving way and I physically felt it slipping down. And what she'd said... a permission of sorts and I fell a little further. After a moment of hesitation, I pressed my lips to her jaw, working back to the edges of her tattoo. She tensed, expelling air loudly and it was concentrated heat on my shoulder. In response, she squeezed me almost reflexively, made my thighs tense.

It surprised me how unusually difficult it was for me to release a tease that in all other situations would have been nothing to me... that the act of teasing her could ever make me nervous.

"I cannot recall. Have I properly congratulated you on your promotion?" I asked, leaning into her to stay myself as much as enhance my words.

"When I got it." She answered. The need hanging about me, licking at my reason and coating my words still felt dangerous when directed at her. Did she feel it too? How could she not when it was burning me alive? It might have been something I was imagining in my haze, but I thought I could hear it in her response.

"That was over the phone though, was it not?" I made my way over to her ear, allowing myself the luxury of sinking into her nearness, sinking down onto her leg a bit. Sinking… it was an apt descriptor for what was happening to me.

"So?" She squeezed me in retaliation with deliberateness and a soft moan had to be wrestled into submission. I was just barely able to hush it and her face acquired the most interesting look as a hint of sound escaped me.

"It is difficult to properly convey sincerity when it is not in person, is it not?" My words were starting to feel a touch more natural, but we were both winding tighter and the energy beneath my skin was becoming nearly uncontainable.

"Shizuru..." Said so lowly… eyelids fluttering, fingers playing at the edges of the fabric of my bikini… at the edge of where I thought she'd stop herself, at the edges of my already devastated restraint. If she actually touched me…my bare skin…

I chose my words as I chose the placement of each kiss, each bit of contact stroking my need, stoking a new craving that had just emerged… for some semblance of power in this. I wanted a way to combat my body's ready submission to her touch… I wanted a bit of control back. "I just want to be sure you feel the depth of it."

"That's what you're calling this? Sincerity?" Her forehead wrinkled… and her eyes clenched as I bit lightly at her jugular. "Ah! Shit." That tone, that depth in her voice was positively delicious… my eyelids fluttered as the vibrations passed over my shoulder.

"Is Natsuki not yet convinced?" My hands were slipping along an abdomen that was nearly twitching with tension. Was it excitement or fear or both? I found it absurdly difficult to consider the consequences of either. "Perhaps I should try harder then?" The skin of her ear was so soft, so inviting, impossible to resist kissing or nibbling. What had been building in me, gathering in my fingers and toes and lips, it was smothering and smoldering at once.

There was not an answer, more of a muffled groan as her head rolled back a bit. She was absolutely gorgeous this way and it set off some muted alarm in my head that I would find her this appealing when she was out of her depth. It had always been true, that I enjoyed her flustered, but was it wrong? Eyes were half-open now… her breathing heavy as it exited her nose, as that spark returned. Her piercing flickered with the pinkish orange of dying sunlight as her nostrils flared. It was as if some fire lived inside her, fingertips playing at the swell of my breasts and pulling another sound from me. I had not thought she'd take it this far.

"Na-tsu-ki…" I spoke against the shell of her ear, my tone not quite even… was that fear or the desire in me? I placed another kiss on her ear, behind it, running lips along that graceful neck again. A definite shiver before her skin gathered in points again. I simply watched her for a few moments as her eyes drilled their way into mine. It was a moment before I recognized the path my hands were taking as they followed her ribcage, wanting to feel her as she was me.

It was like a button pressed and quite unexpectedly she sat up, her body pressing against my own. She took the upper hand from me by pushing her leg further between mine unexpectedly. The shift was such that I could do nothing but sink onto her thigh. My shock deepened as she slid her hands fully beneath the top of my bikini… over my bare breasts. I was acutely aware of the heat, my dangerously quickening pulse, the smoothness of her palms and the responses that she was evoking. Her head had dropped, forehead on my collarbone just above hands that were robbing me of thought, of any measure of reciprocation

I could nearly see her ears pricking at each small noise she drew from me. The intensity that somehow reached through my crumpled willpower… the touch of fear I felt… they tugged at me for attention. I tried to speak. "Should we not…"

A sharp gasp replaced what I would say, because she had nipped at me lightly at my shoulder. Between my surprise and her massaging hands and our bodies pressing impossibly tighter together, I lost my words. Her mouth was suddenly pressed against mine, thumbs passing against the tips of my breasts. A small cry that I attempted to hold was swallowed and muted in those kisses. There was so much catching in the touch of our lips … an urgency that was more pronounced than in any other kiss we'd shared… a hunger I could no longer hide… and my mind left me. Abandoned by reason, my fingers dug with more pressure than I intended into her sides as I broke the kiss to breathe.

"Natsuki!" Her harshly whispered name was all the air left in my lungs, awareness drawn suddenly to the friction of our thighs… because mine had begun to tense subtly against her and without my permission… a match to movement of her thumbs.

A hand moved and pulled away the fabric of my shirt, taking the top of my bikini with it. Neither, like me, provided much resistance. Her soft lips were touching me before I could fully process it, her tongue was on my now straining skin and she'd taken this further than we'd yet gone. I twisted inside and out at the shock of it. A low moan was thrown from me, the first that I failed to muffle. It was too quick, my response… too instinctual as was the flexing of my fingers. She froze at the sound and then lips pulling back, a sharp exhale against me.

I felt like dying for a moment...the sudden loss too great.

"Ha..." It was a harsh murmur against the side of my breast in a tone I'd not heard her use and it vibrated skin, drawing a small tremor because I was still recovering from the pang that had seized my abdomen. I could not think of what to say above the blood coursing through my temples. Those hands speedily withdrew and cut my reverie short.

As suddenly as it had started, it had all stopped, that stunned look returned. We were left staring at one another… my body far too awake, neither of us fully master of our respiration, me not fully master of myself. My eyes felt wide enough to fall out of my head, hers not far behind. The sensations pounding through me made it hard to think… hard to focus… hard to know what was real and what was haze. Was she upset? What had just happened? The unanswered firing of confused nerve endings was scrambling my mind.

She was studying me, gaze searching and wandering over me where I was still bared to her. Blushes overcame us both as she took me in. There was desire there as they visually traced me, but when they met mine it had molded itself back into that unreadable thing again. Like this… my exposed skin losing color to the gathering dark… a tiny glisten to my breast … sitting atop her leg with cheeks darkened… I felt as untamed as my hair. A noise of undeniable sensual pleasure had snuck past my lips, making what little I could hide of this, woefully obvious. I must've looked the very definition of wantonness. I felt it… and was that unattractive to her? Was the truth… that I had so much of this in me… that I was a creature that belonged to such things…was that unattractive to her? Frightening even? I love you, I adore you, you have me… that was what I would have had my body and my eyes say if I could control it. I did not know if any of it came through because every inch of me was screaming I want you, screaming for permission to take this to its conclusion. I had never had occasion to doubt myself in such a position because it had never truly been about anything besides this… except once. A part of me was desperately trying to close up, to erect some sort of barrier against remembering yet again, against considering why she stopped. Unusually exposed… that was how I felt beneath her hands and mouth… such raw desperation for her so very visible. I readjusted my clothes… too much at once… and moved, intending to put some space between us. Her hands as they gripped my waist, halted me.

Lips covered mine, the desire still there and my arms were immediately at her shoulder. "I'm taking you home." Her voice was steady now and it ran over me like water… the meaning made unambiguous by green eyes. I had no words, only a nod.

Digression #28: Kuga Duran
Date: April 26th, 2014… a Saturday

Kuga Duran was a timid six-year-old Shiba inu whom Natsuki had selected from his littermates at the age of nine weeks. Duran experienced the world by sorting things into one of two categories: scary and nice. Scary things were any novelties, unexpected changes, breaking of habits, or loud things. Nice things were predictable or food based. Some things could be both. For example, grass. Grass was an absolute delight when the sun was out and it grew long and thick in the yard of their home. Grass was a terror when the sun was out too long… crispy and crunchy, unpleasant to his feet, and inedible. The fact that the same thing could suddenly switch from nice to scary without warning made him decide in his puppyhood that life was more often than not, a thing to be concerned over. Thusly, he approached all things except those he knew very very well, with due caution.

There had been many changes in his life… some of which were scarier than others. Some had turned out to be nice even though they seemed scary at first. When they moved to this new home, Duran had hidden under the bed for two weeks because it was one of the few things that still smelled of their old home… the couch too, bed to couch, bed to couch and back again. Then he'd discovered the yard. Their old place had no yard, no green space, no tiny creatures scampering about to chase. This was better, this was nice and he set about laying on everything such that it all smelled the same. Soon it was fine with him. There were also things that seemed scary at first because they were. The most frightening of these had been the unexplained disappearance of the man. The man was his master's friend. He was the only one who could go on her bed besides Duran… they were special that way. The man was never scary because he had been around for as long as Duran could remember… and he had many redeeming qualities. The two best of these were that he was big, which meant he could protect and more importantly he left food on the low table in the room with the rug. Duran liked to follow him, liked to trail behind him and see what he was doing. It felt natural to follow him… as natural as it felt to follow his master. The man also would chase him. Chasing was one of those double-edged swords… wonderful when done by one of the inner circle, a nightmare when done by a stranger.

The man's disappearance had been sudden and seemed to upset his master as much as it did him. They had huddled in the bed for weeks afterward and she had rubbed his head, gently between his eyes and down his snout, which was very nice. In fact, it was his favorite way to be pet. He had closed his eyes those nights and groomed her arm for her because being clean was nice and she deserved something nice too. The last time Duran saw the man was when he came to put things in boxes. His master was not there then. Putting things in boxes was not a double-edged sword. Putting things in boxes was always bad. The dog had stayed close by his side all day while he did this… giving the man looks, looks meant to show his displeasure, flops to the ground, ears pulled back, down tail… but it did not stop the boxes, the screeching tape, the moving of things. The man had finally understood when it became dark outside and sat down on the couch, calling him over. He'd approached slowly, warily, hopped up and then the man had pet him for a very long time. That had been nice and Duran had been reassured. He was wrong though and the man never came back after that. Duran had sat by the door at the time when the man was supposed to come to visit, day after day and nothing. His master did not get it, even if he could sense that she was upset too. Instead of bringing back the man, she would take him for long walks or scratch him the way he liked or buy him toys or give him peanut butter… all of which were nice, but none of which were the man. Eventually, he gave up, but he never understood… never. He never quite understand how the man had suddenly reappeared either... that was too nice to find scary even if it was unexpected.

The girl had come around the time he stopped waiting by the door. She was one he'd met a couple times now and had been switched from scary to nice some time ago, even if her presence was sporadic. Strangely she smelled much like his master, but looked very different… longer, lighter, bouncier. She did not move as deliberately as his master did. However, she could do the same thing with her voice that his master could when the sky thundered and rained… make soft, pretty sounds that made him want to sleep. They did it only when it was just Duran… it was special… like the bed. He liked the girl a lot and she made his master feel happy. The three of them… and the cranky girl with the irresistible lap that was there so much… a new pack. He'd grown used to this new life, this new circle and it had become very nice.

Lately, though, there'd been another big change. The woman who smelled like tea and sounded like music when she spoke had come. It was not like the music his master listened to that made him want to shake his toys or move to another room depending… but like the kind that the girl listened to when she dragged delicious looking pencils across less delicious paper. This woman was very confusing to him at first, which was scary. She was a stranger… that put her in the scary category to start with, but she also seemed to make his master both happy and anxious at the same time. That was hard to sort for him. The woman herself was also both happy and anxious most of the time as well, which again was hard to sort. Her house smelled strange, but not bad and there had been food when he'd been there and a new toy.

The new toy made him think she might be nice. This new thing was unlike any other he'd had before. He'd thrown it around like all the others, held it down with his paws and tried to eviscerate it. No outpouring of fluff, no tearing, no matter how hard he tried… the squid was tough. He'd thrown it against walls and shaken it with all his might, but it did not give in. By vigorously shaking it, he did, however, discover that he could make its arms slap pleasantly against his back as if it were pleading for salvation he had no intention of granting. It was thrilling but made not a single dent in the plush squid's impenetrable armor. Duran had accidentally stumbled upon a second, most excellent game to play with it. He'd drag it up the stairs and let it go, its heavy arms making it tumble all the way to the floor. He would run back down and drag it back up and do it all over again. It was one of the nicest games he'd ever played because it did not rely on humans to move the toy. Humans were totally unreliable about such things no matter how much he fussed… easy to fatigue in play. The squid was definitely nice… but that woman, even with the squid, he still wasn't sure about her.

The woman was a double-edged sword. She had been allowed in the bed… which was both scary and nice… because it was special and he was not sure why his master would allow it. He began to follow the woman, check her out and sniff her when she was turned around. The longer she stayed, the less his master seemed to be anxious, but the opposite was true of the woman who smelled like tea. She seemed to feel the same as he did when it was too hot outside for walking … restless with pent-up movement and play. He started bringing her his new toy and laying it beside her whenever she came over so that she would have an outlet. She would look down at him and smile, but she did not feel light like others did when they made that expression. It was confusing. The first time he'd given her the toy, she picked it up and handed it back to him. He'd grabbed the tentacles and tried to rip it away, whipping his head back and forth to begin a game of tug, but that had been scary for her. She'd let go immediately. The next time she'd tossed it lightly, which seemed to work better for the both of them. He also would go over to her and tap her leg when she was very tense. His master noticed him doing this and would move over to the woman, which calmed her. Sometimes he would lick the woman's leg or hand, which she did not seem to like, but allowed. She seemed to respond best to him simply sitting beside her or following her… that was nice because it was easy and comfortable.

The more he followed her, the more he leaned toward her being nice even if she was tense a lot. There was a scale tipper last week. Duran discovered that the woman liked to sleep. The woman had stayed in bed hours after his master, keeping it wonderfully warm. He'd laid on her feet and she had not moved, only made soft noises… she tended to do that in her sleep. The man had never allowed him to sleep on his feet… he always moved. It was a victory and it gave him his answer… the woman who smelled like tea was officially nice and he planned to treat that way from now on.

Aside #28: Well-Made Mistakes (Thought)

Her memory fell to a night a few weeks back. She remembered lying between two bodies… flesh warm and belonging to men a few years younger than she was. They were part of the pool of young executives, family 'friends', and people of prominence gathered for a birthday party. The girl for whom the party was thrown had spent most of the night attached to her oddly attractive former nanny… who didn't look a goddamn thing like Nao thought a nanny should. These men, their chests rose and fell on either side of her, peacefully, contentedly and yet she felt no such thing. This was supposed to make her feel better… using these men with their strange accents and scant ability to converse with her. No talking was better and rough, emotionless, animal surrender was supposed to be her release… a bit of fun. She liked the surprise in their eyes… the look that told her that they had no fucking clue what to do with this… that they had an entirely different notion of what a Japanese girl would be like in bed.

It had started so well… two guys and her. It was perfect and then they goddamn started kissing each other. Weird as hell, that's what it was… cute in a totally fucking bizarre way… but not what she expected or wanted. Some irrational part of her blamed Kuga. It was like the woman had open a big old sack of gay and dumped it all over her life. Not only did she have to think about the pup that way, imagine the two of them kissing, fucking oh so gently… now she had to watch the pride parade first hand and over her naked body. She didn't know if she had ever asked their names… in any case, they were long forgotten. The one with freckles and the one with blue eyes... that's who they had been to her… all they'd been. Their escape had been made when Alyssa was still distracted by the woman she called Miyu.

Nao's thoughts kept flying to the girl. Those two men… she slept with them because when the delicious fucking small-batch vodka had been popped open, her mind started doing what it did best… crafting a well-made mistake. She deserved a giant, ridiculously explosive fuck-up for all the shit that had just happened to her, for her do-gooding in coming along on this little adventure. She'd been playing whack-a-mole with her grief for weeks now… better to drown it in sin.

When Alyssa's father came, sought her out to chat… obviously untrusting, with this aura of power… the same one Kuga had at times… that stupid, but sexy touch of arrogance … the thoughts just came. What he did say was short and directed and unimportant, because his eyes spoke much more. Apparently, it was a family thing… that unsubtle stare. She would have fucked him in a heartbeat, wife or not. Then her eyes caught a shock of blonde hair, a big toothy smile directed at her. This egotistical but attractive dick was Alyssa's father… she wanted to fuck Alyssa's father… she had wanted to be one half of cheating on the mother of the blonde teenager who was smiling at her from across the room, waving gently. She was stuck on it… on why the fuck it should matter whose father he was? Why the hell did she feel so damn put off by herself? This nagging sensation that she was doing something wrong…it hit her like a fist because it was insanely rare in her life.

Irritated… that was how she felt as she left the room and walked away from the gays that had just tumbled out of the closet, off of her and onto each other. She was further irritated that she felt guilty about using a spare room in the house. There were a goddamn million rooms in that house. It wasn't even a house… it was a disgustingly show-offy mansion. She didn't feel guilty about things… that was part of the glory of being her… no guilt, just selfish living. She did what she fucking wanted and fuck everyone else… and why the hell couldn't that apply that to Alyssa? Why the hell had the girl hired her as an assistant? Offered to give her way too much money to do it? She was totally fucking unqualified for the position… and she hated favors. Why the fuck had she said yes then?

Watching the girl reunite with her nanny had been a bit much too. Like a mother to her… that was what the girl said. A mother that could just spontaneously reemerge and walk back into the girl's life like she had never disappeared in the first place… a second chance, a rebirth, and this metaphorical bullshit thinking annoyed her. Life shouldn't be the way it was… people shouldn't die and fuck what she'd said to Kuga on the balcony. These things happen, people die… it was still a heaping pile of bullshit and that damn nun… counseling her… talking to her… making her feel a little less horrible… killing the grief that was the only thing she had left of her mother.

Watching Kuga with the lesbian wasn't a walk in the park either...them smiling at each other like morons. She thought the pup was smarter than this… she thought when she fucking massacred Tate's soft little heart by accident it was because she knew deep down love was bullshit and now this. Watching that dyke doctor flirt with all her friends, smiling and unconcerned at the beach just like at the bar… just like her mother's stupid ass boyfriends who thought they could fuck around 'cause she was sick…it pissed her off. That was annoying from the standpoint that she wasn't supposed to give two shits… where had all this caring come from? It was irksome as all fuck. She didn't even really know the woman. What she'd said to her on that ocean overhang… it was because she never got to say it to the assholes who deserved it. Better to say it to someone who could check themselves before they fucked over someone who didn't deserve it.

She stared down at her phone, at the text she'd sent to the Kendo captain. He was such an idiot and she was gonna fuck him again anyway… in Kuga's guest bedroom. A fucking giant mistake, perfectly made and substituted for the one she had wanted to make in England. She needed to destroy something, to prove a point… that she didn't fucking care, that she did what she wanted, that her mother's death hadn't made her realize that there were people she cared about… people that mattered to her… people that could be ripped away... that she wasn't doing this now because she knew it would be over before Alyssa made it back. Ten minutes… he'd be here. She imagined Kuga's face as she walked in on them… the horror… the ruining of whatever stupid romantic bullshit the two had planned.

Her thumb passed over the send key. What the hell had she just done? A text to Kuga… letting her know she was staying here tonight with the damn dog… a way out… if she went home with the doctor, which from the kiss between the damn rocks she'd accidentally walked by it seemed she would, she'd miss all the fun. Her head fell back against the wall and she grabbed her bag fishing out her cigarettes.

She climbed atop the desk to pull open the window. Leaning out of it, lighting the cigarette… her mind raced. What the hell was happening to her? She shook her head in annoyance as she rested a foot on the drawer pull...it sliding out a bit under the weight. Fuck emotions… she reaffirmed as she glanced at the items inside. Her eyebrow rose as she looked at the contents of the drawer. Duct tape, rubber bands, a ruler… yes, fuck caring… she had other ways to forget and another mistake to make. Fuck him for checking on her, texting her...a bit of grin... maybe it was more his mistake than hers...