A/N: As always thank you for taking time to read and review, it is appreciated. Another heavy chapter ahead. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!


Chapter 28

Olivia sat in her therapist's office nervously playing with her wedding band. She knew she needed to say something she just couldn't figure out where to begin. She reached out and grabbed a tissue from the box on the table, knowing that once she started speaking the flood gates would open.

Dr. Matthews eyed her patient carefully, Olivia was not someone you could push. "I was surprised to see you on my schedule this morning but I became concerned when my receptionist said you sounded very upset on the phone. Is everything okay?"

"If I was okay I wouldn't be here would I?" Olivia asked sarcastically.

"Good point. Would you like to tell me what happened?"

Olivia began telling the doctor everything that had happened over the last couple days, her tears falling faster as she spoke. She stopped to calm down for a moment before continuing "I left the hospital, I was convinced that I needed to leave them so they could both have a better life. I walked around the city for a while and eventually ended up back at our apartment. I walked into my daughter's room, it's where I like to go when I'm upset something about it helps calm me even if she's not there. This time it wasn't working though. I went into our bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. On my bedside table I have one of my favorite pictures of Alex and Macey. I kept staring at it thinking how much better off they would be without me. I was planning on packing up and leaving, I'd spend the rest of my life on my own. I could never be with anyone else my heart belongs to Alex. Then I started thinking about the nightmares and flashbacks." She took a moment to dry her tears.

"You're still having them?" Olivia nodded. "How often?"

"The nightmares almost every night, once in a while it's every other night. I've had flashbacks but none as severe as the one about a month ago. It's the everyday ones that get me; hearing a truck backfire thinking it's gun fire and hiding in a doorway before I remember where I am. We took Macey for a walk in the park one day and there was a group of kids playing ball, one of them yelled 'incoming' as they threw the ball. I froze in the middle of the path. I went back to the day we were ambushed and another soldier shouted the same thing as he pushed me out of the way, he saved my life. Once again it was all Alex could do to bring me out of it."

"It sounds like Alex is good for you, especially helping you deal with the flashbacks."

"She's great but she doesn't deserve it. I can't keep doing it to her and I can't keep doing it to myself."

Dr. Matthews sat up straighter, the words the young woman just spoke scared her. "What do you mean?"

"Yesterday when I didn't come back my mother in law was out looking for me but she missed me at the apartment. One of my best friends went by the hospital and told Alex he would look for me. I heard him come in the apartment but I didn't answer him because I wanted him to leave."

"Why did you want him to leave?" the older woman whispered as she leaned forward in her seat. She sensed what was coming, she only hoped she was wrong.

"I wanted him to leave because I had my gun to my head and I just wanted to end it. I just wanted it all to stop. I don't think I can't take it much more." The dam had finally broken and all her worry and fears were pouring out along with her tears. "I love my family. I do, I love them very much but I can't keep hurting them. Alex worries constantly and I almost killed my child. She's okay for now but what about down the road it may be years before we know how much damage I did." she stopped for a moment to try and catch her breath "Then there's the nights I dream I'm back on that helicopter, sometimes it's not hit and we land just like we were supposed to and other's it crashes and they're all looking at me begging me to save them." she leaned forward and rested her face in her hands as she sobbed. She felt like she was going to be sick and apparently Dr. Matthews saw it as well. Olivia gasped for air as she felt the older woman place a calming hand on her back and gently push her head between her knees.

When the nauseous feeling had passed Olivia sat up, she was still gasping for air and struggling to stop the tears that just wouldn't seem to quit. "I can't keep living like this. I need help dealing with it. I just need help!"

Dr. Matthews stood and got a bottle of water from behind her desk. She waited as Olivia took a few sips and slowly began to calm a bit. "Olivia you are going to get through this. I know right now it doesn't seem like it but you will. You have made some improvements." Olivia looked up skeptically "You had finally accepted you didn't want to leave your family, aside from this setback. You had finally stopped trying to push Alex away. Your relationship with one another has gotten stronger, you're able to be intimate with one another again, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"See, improvements. Now what happened with your daughter would cause anyone to doubt their parenting skill and whether or not the child would be better off without them. I'm not surprised you're as upset as you are. However with everything else you have going on this just added more stress that you didn't need."

"So what can I do?" Olivia asked, her voice almost childlike.

"First thing I'm going to go back to seeing you once a week so we can touch base and work through any problems that arise. Are you still going to your support group? It's for wounded soldiers correct?" Olivia nodded. "Good I want you to make sure you continue to go. Being around others who have been through similar experiences and are coping will help you to cope as well."

She stood and walked to her desk, going through a box and pulling a card out "Now I also want you to start seeing another therapist as well." Olivia looked a little surprised. "I know it seems like a lot but you do want to get better, right?"

"Desperately."

"We went to college together. He was in the Army as well and was wounded in combat. Now he works with retuning wounded soldiers."

Olivia became nervous "Um will he be okay with me?" the older woman looked confused "I mean I know you said he's not in the Army now but the whole don't ask/don't tell policy. I'm a lesbian would that bother him?"

Dr. Matthews pat her on the arm "No it wouldn't. I know this because one of his daughter's has had the same girlfriend since high school. In his eyes you are a soldier who needs help, nothing else will matter."

Olivia smiled and nodded. "Thank you."

"Now I know our time is up but I have a question for you."

"Of course."

"Are you still suicidal?"

Olivia stopped breathing for a moment. The question had caught her off guard. She thought for a moment, Macey's smiling face flashed through her mind and she smiled. "No."

Dr. Matthews sighed and nodded "Are you just saying that?"

"No ma'am."

"Olivia I won't lie, there's a part of me that thinks I should send you to Bellevue for a forty eight hour psych hold."

Olivia's heart was pounding in her chest "Please don't. I don't even have the gun, Elliot took it after he calmed me down. He told me he didn't trust me with it. I promise I won't hurt myself!"

Dr. Matthews remained silent as she debated what to do, Olivia held her breath the entire time "Are there any other guns in the house?"

"No. Alex doesn't like them. I only had this one for protection after she was threatened by the cartel. It stays in a lock box, but like I said Elliot has it now."

"I'm going out on a limb here Olivia and I'm going to trust you."

Olivia began crying "Thank you."

"Don't take this lightly if I was any other doctor you would be on your way to Bellevue. I want you to let me know as soon as you make your appointment with Dr. Daniels," Olivia nodded "And I also want you to start keeping a journal. Write down your thoughts throughout the day, anytime you have a nightmare or flashback right it down. I also want you to talk to Alex more, starting when you get home and tell her what happened. I know you think you're protecting her but I've talked to her Olivia she's stronger than you think. She loves you and just wants to help you."

"She's the best."

"One last thing. If you start having these thoughts again, any at all, I want you to call me immediately. Understood?"

"Yes ma'am. I promise."

Olivia took her time as she walked home. It gave her time to think plus the fresh air helped clear her head. She was going over in her mind what she was going to say to Alex. As she passed a toy store she couldn't stop herself from going inside and picking out a new stuffed animal for Macey. The little girl loved stuffed animals and loved the zoo, she and Alex often joked that she was either going to grow up to be a veterinarian or work in a zoo. She also stopped at the market around the corner and bought flowers for Alex.

When she entered the apartment she noticed how quiet it was. She hung her coat up and walked into the living room, she smiled when she saw Alex curled up on the couch with her books and laptop spread out in front of her.

Alex looked up and smiled "Hey."

Olivia walked over and kissed her, handing her the flowers "Hey yourself."

"They're beautiful. Thank you."

Olivia took a seat next to the blonde "So what are you up to?"

"Grading an essay about the importance of the fourth amendment." Alex groaned. "A few of them have no grasp of the subject."

Olivia chuckled "Well considering you broke it that one time and got suspended I would think that would be something you would make sure they understood."

Alex laughed "Shut up."

She moved everything to the coffee table before facing Olivia "Her majesty just went down for a nap so we have a little while. How did your appointment go?"

Olivia smiled at the description of her daughter before turning serious. "It was good, I guess. We talked about a lot of things not just what happened with Macey. I told her I'm still having nightmares and flashbacks. I'm going to go back to seeing her once a week for a while, plus the group therapy and she sat me up with another therapist. He's retired Army, was wounded in combat and he specializes in helping returning wounded soldiers." The look of concern on Alex's face was enough to break her heart.

Alex reached out and took her hand "I thought you said the nightmares were getting better?"

"I just didn't want you to worry about me. You worry about me so much I just thought that if you thought I was getting better you wouldn't worry as much."

"Olivia I love you and am here for you. I doesn't matter what you're going through I want to know so I can help you."

Olivia leaned back and stared at the ceiling as she prepared to tell Alex about her suicide attempt. She couldn't help but think this could be the thing to cause her to leave. "Alex I have to tell you something and I know you're going to be upset but please let me finish before you say anything." Alex nodded and steeled her nerves.

Olivia took a deep breath and dove in "When Elliot came here yesterday he found me..." she took a moment to swallow back her tears "I had my gun to my head. I was going to kill myself."

Alex gasped and pulled back for a moment. When she looked in Olivia's eyes and saw the truth she reached out and pulled the brunette into her arms. She'd almost lost Olivia on so many occasions to things that were beyond her control, but the thought of losing Olivia to her own hand ripped her heart out. "Why? Olivia why would you want to do that?"

Olivia buried her face in Alex's neck trying to calm herself. "Alex you don't get it. I didn't want to kill myself I just wanted it all to stop, and what happened with Macey was just the final straw."

"She's okay Olivia, and before you say anything yes something may come to light down the road but the doctors feel she's going to be okay. I know she's going to be okay."

"I hope she will but it was like everything was building up and that just pushed me over the edge. Alex you don't know what it's like to be afraid to go to sleep because you're going to wake up having nightmares."

Alex was about to bring up her nightmares after Velez but decided against it. Olivia didn't need to feel like she was trying to match or one up her. "You can talk to me Olivia. I know you think I can't handle it but I can. Olivia if I could take every ounce of pain you've been through I would. Please just talk to me." she was pleading.

Olivia couldn't take the look on Alex's face or the pleading. She didn't mean to but she finally exploded "You want to know? Okay. A couple weeks ago I wake up from a nightmare; I was in that chopper and Carson, the guy sitting beside me, he's looking at me after the crash begging me not to let him die. I got up and managed to calm down but I knew I wouldn't go back to sleep so I laid down on the couch so I wouldn't wake you. I'm sitting here in the dark and I look to the window and see Adams, she was the co-pilot," she stops for a moment to try and catch her breath but is struggling. She feels Alex squeeze her hand and gently run her fingers along her cheek. She takes a deep breath before continuing "She was staring at me through the window, her face bloodied from the crash. She had kids and a husband, she kept asking why I got to come back to my family and she didn't."

"Oh baby." Alex said as she held Olivia close. The images that were now flashing through her mind scared her beyond belief, and knowing Olivia was facing that every day alone broke her heart. She held the brunette tight as they both cried. "I love you Olivia. We can get through this together."

Olivia pulled back and wiped the tears that just wouldn't seem to stop. "The worst is when I see Carter."

Alex thought about the young man who had saved Olivia's life the day of the ambush. He was now paralyzed from the waist down. They had even made a trip down to Pennsylvania to visit him once when Olivia was on leave. They'd had a long discussion and he assured Olivia that if he had it to do all over again he wouldn't change a thing. Alex had always thought Olivia still blamed herself and it turns out she was right. "Olivia you know he doesn't blame you."

"I know but I blame myself. If I had just been paying attention I could've gotten myself out of the way and he wouldn't have been hurt."

Alex gently turned Olivia's head so they were looking eye to eye "Olivia you've got to stop blaming yourself for everything. I know you're mother made you think that everything that went wrong was your fault but it's not."

They sat there for a while, Olivia allowing Alex to hold her as they both cried. Neither were sure how long they had been sitting there when they heard their daughter's cry from the other room. "I'll get her." Olivia said as she stood. Alex stood as well but Olivia held her hand out "Please Alex, let me."

"Okay."

Olivia stopped in the bathroom to wash her face before heading on to her daughter's room "Hey baby girl."

Macey stood in her crib holding her arms in the air "Momma!"

Olivia pulled her into her arms "Ooh I love you. I love you so much." She pulled back and looked into her little girl's eyes, it was the same as looking into Alex's eyes. She closed her eyes for a moment to push all the violent, horrifying images from her mind. When she opened them again and saw her daughter's smiling face in front of her she suddenly realized how much she really wanted to live. She had Alex who loved her more than anyone ever had; she'd finally found her soul mate, the love of her life. She also had a daughter who brought her more joy than she ever thought possible. She finally had the family she had always wanted.

The evening was spent in relative silence, aside from Macey's constant jabbering. Olivia even got in the floor and played with her for a while before her bath. It warmed Alex's heart to see Olivia being the wonderful, caring mother she knew she was.

Alex stood in the doorway of Macey's room watching Olivia as she rocked her to sleep. She walked across the hall to their bedroom and looked around the room. She went to Olivia's bedside table and opened the top drawer. She reached in, her hand shaking, and opened the box where Olivia kept her gun. She was surprised to find the box empty. She was about to close it back when she heard her name.

"Alex?"

She turned and tried not to look surprised. "She asleep already?"

Olivia walked into the room and stood in front of her wife. In all honesty she wasn't surprised to find Alex looking for the gun. "What are you doing?"

"I um…"

"Elliot took it with him, he didn't trust me with it." she began pacing around the room "Apparently you don't either."

"I trust you Olivia. I'm just scared that's all. Just yesterday you were about to take your own life so excuse me if I'm a little upset!" She yelled as she broke down and collapsed onto the bed.

Olivia rushed to her side, the damage she had done becoming clear. "Alex I promise you I will never do that again."

"How do I know that?" typically she wouldn't pry or push but not anymore. "How do I know I won't find you lying here with an empty bottle of pills or God knows what?"

"I guess you don't but I promise you I won't. You said you trust me, then show it. Alex Dr. Matthews wanted to send me to Bellevue for a psych hold but she trusted me enough to let me come home." she pulled Alex to her for a passionate kiss "I promise you."

Alex leaned back in for another kiss "I trust you. I trust you."

Alex wasn't sure what came over her but she stood and stripped her clothes before doing the same to Olivia. She laid down and turned to face Olivia, wrapping her in her arms. "I love you."

Olivia slid closer and pressed their bodies together. It wasn't about lust or sex, she simply needed to feel her wife's skin against her own. "I love you too. Alex I- I promise I'm going to get better. I'm going to do it for you and Macey."

Alex smiled her first genuine smile since Olivia had told her what she had almost done "I know you're going to get better, but don't do it just for us do it for yourself as well. I want you to get better for you. We can just be the icing on the cake."

Olivia chuckled lightly as she snuggled further into Alex's embrace. "I'm going to get better."

Alex smiled as she began to fall asleep "You're going to get better."