Chapter 28: I Want To Save You
Ellie
I slammed the door behind me and rushed towards the stairwell. Who does Sean think he
is? He tricked me. He was using my weakness to his advantage and that's just wrong. All I want to do is lay on my bed and sleep. Preferably forever.
As soon as my hand hit the banister, however, I heard the familiar clicking of my mom's heels. Dammit.
"Ellie?" my mom walked into the foyer, hands placed on hips and a scowl already on her face.
"Yes, mother?" I matched the intensity of her eyes.
"You have some explaining to do. Skipping school... again? What is going on?"
"Nothing!"
"Ellie," my mom's voice took on a warning tone.
"Jesus Christ, does what I say mean nothing? I said I'm fine, that means I'm fine. Back off!
She put her index finger in my face and shook it. "Don't you dare take that tone of voice with me. I am your mother and-..."
"THEN ACT LIKE IT!" I screamed, knocking her finger out of my face. "Act like you're my goddamn mother, once in awhile!"
She grabbed my wrist hard and brought my arm to her. "What is this?"
"What?" I stammered. What was she talking about?
"This!" She held my arm in front of me, and I saw one of my more recent cuts.
My laugh sounded hollow. Is she serious? Am I really hearing this? "You really don't hear a single word I say, do you mom?"
"Oh, lay off. Tell me the truth. What is this?"
"I told you the truth. I told you I cut myself. Do you want to see all of them?"
My mom dropped my arm like it was infected and a disgusted look spread across her face. "Cut yourself? What do you mean by that? What's that mean!"
I rubbed my wrist where my mom had been holding on tightly and looked away, tears threatening to spill any second. "What do I have to do for you to notice me?"
"If this is some sick ploy to get my attention, Ellie, then you really need help."
"It's not," I answered truthfully. "But if you paid attention to me, you would have known when it first started. But you didn't, and then you didn't even notice when I admitted it to you and daddy. It's like- it's like no matter what, nothing will ever be good enough. So why should I even bother anymore?"
"I'm starting to get really sick of your melodramatic attitude, Eleanor. And so is your dad. So, I suggest you get a better attitude and soon."
I can't believe I'm hearing this. I can't believe my own mother won't listen to me when I'm trying to spill my heart out to her. If my own mom won't talk to me, who will? I looked at my feet. I don't even know what to say to this. Am I supposed to say "okay!" and go on with my day? Or am I supposed to yell back and try harder to get her to hear me?
"Okay," I responded in a small voice.
I turned around and continued the rest of the way up the steps. She didn't even try to stop me. She didn't try to look at my arm, to take care of my cuts. She let me walk away. I collapsed on my bed and let out a scream into my pillows.
My cell phone started to ring, and I absent mindedly dug through my purse for it. Opening one eye, I saw that the caller ID said it was Marco. Marco might be the only person I can handle talking to right now.
"Hello?" I mumbled into my phone.
"I'm outside."
"What?" I sat up in bed and craned my next to look outside. Sure enough, Marco was out there in his dad's van.
"Come outside. We're going."
A small smile spread across my face. "Going where?" I asked as I looked in my mirror at my reflection.
"Anywhere you want."
Where do I want to go? I can't go to Sean, I'm pissed at him. I can't go to Ashley... it's just too complicated. Suddenly, a place popped into my head. "I know where I want to go. I'll be right out."
I wasn't about to risk running into my mom again. I'll just scale down the wall outside my window. I thought about leaving a note, but decided against it. It's not like my mom would even come and check on me. I put a leg over my balcony and stopped. Well... Running back into my room, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a quick note.
Mom,
Went out with Marco. Be back later.
I love you.
Ellie
Why did I write that I loved her? Because you do. I know, but why can't I just, for once,
not give in? I just want to be mean and nasty for once without feeling like a completely horrible human being.
I felt a pair of hands grab onto my hips as I jumped down to the ground, and Marco brought me safely to the grass.
"Be careful, El."
I turned around to look at Marco. "Thanks... for this. I really needed to get out."
"Yeah, well, it's also satisfying my hunger for gossip. So, a huge scene happened at school today between Jay and Sean..." his voice trailed off and he gave me a look before heading towards the driver's side.
"What!" I exclaimed. Had Sean really taken me seriously? I slid into my seat and turned towards Marco. "What do you mean a 'scene'?"
Marco shook his head and drove out of my driveway. "Huge! Sean came after school and basically beat the crap out of Jay. He mentioned you... and the fact that you and Jay did..."
"Nothing. Believe me. I just said that Jay and I hooked up to piss Sean off."
"And why did you want to piss Sean off? I thought things were going great between you guys?"
"Yeah, going a little too great... It's so complicated, Marco, that I really don't think I can even get into it. But someday I'll tell you. Right now it's just..."
"Too fresh?" Marco helped.
"Yeah, that's exactly what it is."
"So, where to?"
"University. I'm going to see Dan."
Marco
I didn't ask anymore questions about Sean or anything. That's one thing I value between
Ellie and I. Sure, we're nosy about each other's business, but we both know when to stop asking about it. We're so alike sometimes, it's almost scary. But then we're also so different from each other that it's too scary.
I glanced at Ellie sideways. Is it me or has she gained a little weight? I don't know... I could be imagining things, but I hope I'm not. "You're looking good, Ellie."
There, that'd make her feel better.
"What?" Ellie gave me a weird look and grabbed onto her wrist.
"You look like you've put on some weight, in the face at least," I grinned and looked back at the road in front of me.
She didn't say anything. She just rested her forehead against the window and stared out of it.
I continued. "Maybe we should stop for dinner somewhere?" I looked around me. "Um, what do you feel like? Hamburgers, chicken, tacos?"
"I'm really not hungry right now."
"Oh, come on! I bet you haven't eaten all day. I could go for some tacos. Yum!" I tried to make it sound as appealing as I could.
She wasn't buying it. "Marco!"
"What?"
"Please, I'm not hungry."
"Okay..." I bit my lip and gripped the steering wheel tighter. How am I supposed to cure her if she won't let me? She needs someone to take her out to eat and to tell her that she's gaining weight and looking better. I'm already keeping it a secret, what else can she be looking for? I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix her.
"Not even some fries?" I tried one last time.
She shook her head and didn't answer me.
"So, why do you want to go see Dan?"
She shrugged slightly and looked at my profile. "I haven't talked to him in awhile. I just really want to see how he's doing."
"That's cool. He was a nice guy. What happened between you guys?"
She blushed. "It just... didn't work out. We're just better friends, you know?"
"Kind of like us?"
"No."
"What?"
"Not like us. I never chose to be just friends with you. I wanted to be more. We could have been a great couple."
I could hear the bitterness in her voice, and I dropped the subject. I should have known better than to bring us up. It always strikes a chord with her.
"Okay, so how's singing with Craig?"
"Fine. We need to practice again soon."
"And are you going to manage the wrestling team?"
"Yeah. I decided it'd look good on my transcripts. I need to be more involved."
I laughed. "More involved? You're already involved in so much!"
"Yeah, well, you know me. Always the best. Always the over-achiever."
The tone of her voice made me uncomfortable. Something tells me that her parents put a lot of pressure on her, but not nearly as much as she puts on herself. I don't even think she realizes the amount of pressure she gives herself. I'm surprised she hasn't completely buckled from it all.
"So, Christmas is coming up. You excited?" I flashed her a big grin and restrained myself from rubbing my hands together in excitement.
Ellie hopped up and down in her seat. "YES!" We both squealed like little girls and laughed at our idiotic behavior. "We're so childish. But I can't help it!"
"I know! Presents!"
"I'm just looking forward to decorating and buying people gifts. It's always been my favorite part."
"My favorite part is opening gifts. I'm selfish."
Ellie chuckled and squeezed my arm. "You are not selfish, you're normal!"
I gave her an impish look. "So, what are you going to get me?"
I looked out of the corner of my eye as Ellie shook her head with a smile. "You just love ruining surprises. I'm not going to tell you."
"Ellie!" I whined. I gave her my best puppy-dog face but she ignored it.
"Nope, you'll just have to wait like everybody else."
"Everybody else? Who else are you buying for?"
"Ashley, Alex, Emma, Manny, Jay, Craig, and Sean."
"Sean? I thought..."
She gave me an exasperated look. "I'm mad at him, but that doesn't mean we're not friends."
"And Jay?"
"Jay has been a really good friend to me lately... surprisingly..."
"Oh," I frowned. Was she telling Jay stuff she wasn't telling me? I don't like the idea of that. She's supposed to be able to tell me anything. Does he know about her eating disorder? An idea came to my head. If he knew, then why didn't him and me join forces and help her? That'd be the perfect solution.
Except...
I don't know for sure if he does. So, for once, I'm not going to jump to conclusion and open my mouth. I've vowed to keep this a secret and I am going to, no matter what. Look how much better Ellie's gotten since I found out! Something I'm doing is working.
Ellie rested her head back against her seat, and I stared at her while at a stoplight. I really would do anything for her. I think that's how a lot of people feel. It's how Sean feels. I think Craig feels that way. Maybe even Jay... She's one of those people that you hate to see hurt because she's such a good person. I just hope she figures that out for herself one of these days.
Dan
I opened my door and stared in shock at who was standing in front of me. I didn't really
think I'd ever see her again. I know we said we'd stay friends, and I told her I'd always be here for her, but I didn't think she'd ever take me up on the offer. "Hey, Ellie," I greeted, trying to make my voice as normal as possible.
"Hey," her voice was a little scratchy.
"Do you want a drink?" I started to open the fridge, but Ellie stopped me.
"No, I'm fine. I just wanted to... see you... visit."
I looked at how disheveled she looked: worn out, thin, stressed. Her face was paler than usual, and I noticed her hands were shaking a little. I grabbed them and held them in my hands gently. "Don't. What's wrong?"
She shook her head and looked over my shoulder behind me. She's doing it again- putting up that wall around her. She comes to you, acting as if she wants help, acting as if she needs to tell you something, but the moment you become concerned, she puts up the wall. I don't get her. I really don't. It's like she can't make up her mind or something. I wish she would because these little games that she plays put me through hell. You just want to protect her, keep her away from everything bad, but then you learn she's already involved with everything bad.
"How'd you get here?" I decided to ask a simple question. Get her talking about simple stuff. Then maybe we could get somewhere.
"Marco. He said he'd wait outside while we talked."
"Okay, do you want a drink or anything?"
"No, I'm fine."
We sat down on my little couch and she sat straight and rigid. She was uncomfortable. Why is she uncomfortable? This is me, Dan. Her friend. "So, what's going on with you?"
She laughed and tilted her head. "Oh, the usual. Fucking up my life. What else would I be doing?"
"What do you mean?" I could tell she was trying to joke around, but she was really serious underneath it all.
She looked me dead-on in the eye and listed everything, "Let's see. I messed around with Sean again, I totally messed up at school the other day, my parents got into a fight and now they're separating and it's all my fault-..."
"Woah, woah, woah! How is your parent's separation your fault?" I didn't believe her. Ellie puts the blame on herself for everything.
"My dad got angry that my mom didn't tell him about her problem or going to rehab. She wanted to tell him, but I made her promise not to. That's how it's my fault. If I had just let my mom tell my dad the truth, they would still be happy together."
"Hey, your mom chose to drink, chose to leave, chose to go to rehab. She chose to promise you she wouldn't tell. Your dad chooses to leave every week. He chooses to not be around. You can't blame yourself for their choices. They're stupid choices."
"Whatever," she looked at her hands in her lap and then back up at me. "Sean found out about the drugs. I got angry with him. He got angry with me. He's acting like he knows what's best for me. We're fighting, at least, I think we are. I don't know... It's just so complicated with us. I just want to be with... never mind. It doesn't really matter. I don't know if we'll ever be friends again... And there's something else. I lied to you."
"What?" My eyebrows narrowed. What is she talking about? When did she lie to me?
"I'm such a hypocrite. I talk about how truth should be treasured, should always be told. And, here I am, lying to everyone the first opportunity I get. I lied to you when you asked me about the drugs. I hadn't just been doing them for a few weeks or whatever. It wasn't my first time. I've done them before. I've done them for a long time."
My throat went dry. I should have known. "How long?"
"Years. It wasn't so bad before. It probably started around fifth or sixth grade. I kind of forget. It was just something you did during some boring party your parents drug you to. You'd go to the bathroom with a few of your friends and get high." She paused and let out a laugh, shaking her head. "It started out with just weed. We'd smoke a joint or two to get a buzz. Then we turned to pills- pain relievers mostly. You know, because us rich kids are in so much pain. What a joke, huh? That's what everyone thinks. They think it's some big joke. As if we don't feel anything. We're not supposed to feel pain, we're only supposed to be happy and smiling because we have money and parents who will give us anything we want and we get to travel the world and meet fascinating people. It's not like that. Maybe in the movies, but not real life. I probably sound like I'm trying to get you and everyone else to feel sorry for me. I'm not. I really don't care what everyone thinks about it. I just want people to know that, you know, we're human, too. We're sad sometimes, too. Listen to me- I'm getting off track..."
I opened my mouth to say something, although I didn't know what, but she continued.
"Pain relievers lasted for awhile. It helped us from feeling the pain and everything. Pretty soon we were numb. And then that wasn't good enough either. We didn't want to be numb, we wanted to feel good. So then we started using stuff like ecstasy and speed. I snorted speed a few times. I kind of liked it. It came on faster, it lasted longer. That's how cocaine came in. It was great. It is great. It made me forget about everything except about having fun and being happy and loving everyone. Even then, though, it was only once in awhile that I did it. Seventh grade I started doing it more. Back then I was messed up. I did some messed up things- sleeping around, earning money that way, working hard on my perfect image... People really liked me. Especially the guys. They thought I was fun. For twenty bucks they could get a fantastic blow job."
"Are you kidding me?" I interrupted. My nostrils flared, and I was seething inside. She shrugged, acting as if it were no big deal. "They took advantage of you!"
"No, they didn't. I wanted to do it. I liked doing it. With all the money, I was able to buy coke as much as I wanted. One time, at a party, I tried heroin. I liked it. Not as much as cocaine, but close. I loved cocaine. I worshiped it. It was my escape. Once in awhile turned to every weekend. Then to a few times a week, then to once everyday, to twice everyday, and... so on. Lately I'd been going through an entire bag in a week. You're not supposed to be able to do that. I just couldn't help myself..."
"You're talking in past tense."
"That's because I'm finished with it. It's over. I can't do it anymore."
A small smile broke across my face, and I put a hand on her shoulder. "Seriously? You're not doing it anymore?"
She smiled sadly at me and shook her head. "Nope. I broke down. It got to be too much. It's really messed me up, Dan. My parents... God, they don't even love each other anymore! How am I supposed to deal with that? I thought they were in love, I thought they'd last forever. And now I have no confidence whatsoever in love... I did too many lines. I passed out one night, woke up the next morning, none of my homework finished, no preparation for my tests that day, it sucked. I freaked out. I tried to run away."
"Don't you ever run away, Ellie. Do you know how dangerous that is? I can't even imagine you out on the streets-..."
"Yeah, well I was prepared to use all my money to buy drugs. I really would have been out on the streets... But I stopped myself. I realized I couldn't do it anymore- I can't hurt myself anymore like that. I have to take control, I have to get better. There's too many people I care about. Like Marco, and Sean, and Ashley, and... well, you."
I stared her in the eyes, "I care about you, too."
"I used to be so popular back in Montreal at Rookwood. People payed attention to me- I did sports, I was on stage, I was known for more than just having a perfect GPA or being a cutter. I was known as the funny girl, the dependent one, the nice girl, the perfect friend. Everyone said I'd be famous one day. Everyone thought that I'd be happy and be married to Brayden and have a big family and be some actress or director or maybe even teach... Then again, everyone just acted like they cared about me. No one really cared about me. Not one of them knew why I love winter, or what my favorite song was, or anything stupid like that. I usually hung out with one or two people at lunch. I had only two really close friends. And I had Brayden for awhile. But after Brayden died, everyone's true colors came out. No one cared how I felt. Not one person. They all thought I was some heartless bitch, they all blamed me. No one even cared to think that maybe I was breaking apart. I was breaking. I still am..."
I was breaking apart, too, just by listening to her. She sounded so confused and lost and scared. I thought Ellie Nash was tough and sarcastic and some party girl. She never really talked about anything serious with me. It's not like I didn't want to, but she just... didn't. She always steered the conversation towards me or the next party or something trivial.
"Wow... Listen, Els. I'm not going to ask you what happened. I don't think I can bare to hear about something bad that happened to you. You deserve so much better than to live in the past and be reminded of it everyday. But I can tell you this, you are not to blame for anyone's death. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You wouldn't hurt anyone. You are the sweetest, most gentle, caring person I've ever known in my life. You have virtue, you have morals-..."
"I don't think I do anymore," she wasn't facing me. She just let it slip out in this voice. This voice that said she had already given up, that she couldn't fight it anymore.
I grabbed her shoulders and made her look at me. "Listen to me! You do have morals. You are a good person. And it takes guts to say you're going to quit. It takes serious commitment for that, and I'm prepared to help you every step of the way. I can't stand to think of you hurting yourself or..."
My voice trailed off as she slid down the sleeve of her shirt, and I stared at the three red lines carved into her arm. "No," I whispered. She nodded and touched them with her little fingers. I placed my hand over hers and brought her hand away from her arm. With my other hand, I pulled the sleeve back down. I searched her eyes and held her hands close to me. "No more. You're not doing this to yourself anymore. You deserve so much more than a razor and some chemical high."
"I don't deser-..."
"You deserve everything," I broke in. I was starting to get so... so angry about how much she was hurting herself. How could she do it? So many people care about her. I care about her. Why can't she just see how much everyone needs her?
She sighed and glanced at the clock on the wall. "I have to go. My mom will start to get worried."
"That's all?" my voice rose. "You're going to come in here, tell me your story, show me your cuts, and leave? There's so much more that needs to be discussed. We need to find a way to get you help. You need to get better. You need-..."
She interrupted me, a smirk on her face. She was already putting that wall back up again. "Listen, Dan. I love that you want to help. But this is something I have to figure out myself. I can't depend on everyone else to make me feel better about something I did so long ago. I just thought you should know that I'm not trying to be messed up. I'm just, I'm not trying to hurt everyone. I'm trying to help everyone, but it seems nothing I do is ever good enough."
"Please, talk to me!" I begged. I got up from the couch and followed her to my door. "I don't want you leaving like this. I want to talk."
She put a hand to my mouth and her eyes focused in on me. They were sad. "Thank you. Really. But I just can't talk about this anymore. I'm going to get my life back together, I swear. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"
Her hand uncovered my lips and I nodded slowly. "Yeah, call me. Promise?"
"Promise."
"I care about you, Ellie."
"Thanks. I care about you, too."
"Get home and get some sleep. You look tired. Say hi to Marco for me." I kissed her cheek and gave her a little hug before letting her out. She jogged over to the van and turned to wave before getting in the car. She was already acting as if nothing had just happened. I saw the huge smile that went across her face when she got into the car. Marco wouldn't even know the difference. She would tell him that we had a nice chat about things and that she was super duper, and Marco, thinking she's the most honest person he knows, would believe everything she said. He'll never allow himself to see that she, too, knows how to lie.
Ellie,
I'm sending you this e-mail because I don't feel as if our conversation is anywhere near over. I don't think you're telling me the whole truth. And if you are, I'm sorry for not trusting you, but can you imagine how hard it is for me to not worry about you? Listen, I think there's more going on with you than you think. I learned about it the other day in my psychology class. We're studying human behavior right now. It's called Post-Traumatic Stress disorder. I really think you should read up about it. It can happen to somebody after they have a traumatic experience- war, rape, car crash, death... They can have nightmares about it, flashbacks, turn to alcohol/drugs... They can hurt themselves. I'm not trying to sound preachy. I just really care about you and want you to get help. You owe yourself that much.
You're a special girl, Nash. Everyone thinks so. I don't understand how you can feel as if nobody cares about you. I know, I know, I don't see you everyday. I don't see how people treat you. I'm sure you're ignored sometimes, I'm sure you feel left out sometimes, I'm sure you feel angry sometimes. It's normal. It's high school. And if you're friends aren't there for you, screw them. Seriously, screw them. You deserve to have only the best. But, think about it, Marco and Ashley cared enough about you to come up here and drag you home- despite mine and your protests. I feel like an idiot about that now. I should have made you go home. I'm older, I should have known better than to have you stay with me and skip school. Forgive me for that? Marco forgave you even though you said some nasty stuff to him. He came back up to get you after that party. He loves you, Ellie. And I know you complain about how shallow Ashley can be sometimes and how she just loves to desert you to hang out with that blonde chick, but you've helped her so much in the past, that there is no way she could ever forget that. She'll never forget how you befriended her when she had no one. See, I do remember things you tell me! I do listen to you whine and complain. All joking aside, though, I really do feel as if people care about you. You're the most generous person I know. You'd give up anything to make someone else happy. That's amazing. You're intelligent- you know things I still have no idea about. It's like you're so much more wise than everyone else. If I didn't know any better, I would think you've lived a million different past lives. You seem to know so much more than anyone else your age, twice your age, or a million times your age. And you're so young. You don't have some creepy self-portrait hanging up in your attic anywhere, do you? (In case you didn't understand, that was a blatant reference to The Picture of Dorian Gray. I read it. I really did. Aren't you proud of me? You said I'd like it, and, honestly, I loved it. I even gave up a few nights out to stay in and read it. ) But... back on track... You're loyal. I'd say you're like a dog, but you might take that in the wrong way. You may say Ashley's bugging you or Marco's being a total jerk one day, but the second they need you, you're there. You're beautiful. I don't really know what else to say about that. Except you are incredibly gorgeous. You've got the most wicked sense of humor. You can tell some of the worst jokes I've ever heard in my life (key example: What does a dog call it when he sleeps outside? ... RUFFin' it. Wow...insert fake laughter here), and the saddest part is that you're proud that you made them up yourself. You're the only girl I've ever known that can be totally sarcastic without even trying. You are capable of good things. You do fund raisers... you help out at a freaking orphanage... What more can I say? Next you'll be running into burning buildings to save a parakeet or something else as equally heroic as that. Okay, bad example- parakeet... You're probably completely sick of hearing me go on and on about how great you are. But I have a feeling that not a lot of people tell you this stuff. They should tell you everyday. I just wanted to remind you of how good a person you are and hopefully this will convince you that you are worth it.
I don't know if you're just doing drugs and cutting... I'm sure there are other things that you do to "help" the pain, but I'm not going to make any judgments just yet. I can't just barge into your life and tell you what to do. You'll know what to do. You're a strong person and you have a good head on your shoulders. Even though I've given you smack about being the most idealistic person I know, and even though I said you're out of touch with reality about 98 of the time, I really admire you for being able to see the good in everything and everybody. Not many people can list that as one of their qualities. I think that's what's so endearing about you. You don't want to believe that there are people that are generally cruel. I used to think that, but now... I don't know... I'm starting to see things more your way. You've affected me more than you think. And hopefully I've affected you in a way. Hopefully I'm showing you how special you are.
I feel like I'm rambling and saying the same things over and over again, but I don't think you can hear how funny or smart or loyal you are too much. I wish you so much luck in your plan of quitting everything bad in your life. It's going to be hard. Don't think it's going to be easy and a snap. It won't be. You're going to hate it. You're going to be sick and angry and moody, but, hey, it'll be worth it, in the end. In the end, you'll really be in control of yourself. You won't have to depend on a line or a razor for comfort. And if you ever need to pick of that phone and talk to someone, I'm there. I'll listen to whatever you have to say. I don't care if you just want to talk about a movie you saw or a new shirt you bought. Just talk to me.
Okay, now, I know a lot of shit is happening right now in your life. Your parents being the prime example. Believe me, though, they love you so much. And they love each other. I've never met them, I've never seen them interact. But, they had you. I can't imagine two people who had you not utterly and completely loving each other with every fiber of their being. No, I didn't get that out of some movie of the week. I know you're thinking it. And you're not to blame for their separation. It happens. Sometimes they get back together, sometimes they don't. I'm certain your parents will. It has nothing to do with you and you making your mom promise to not tell your dad and... I really don't get your logic sometimes, Nash. I mean that in a completely loving and devoted way.
Please don't believe that love doesn't exist. It does. It's not just some fantasy in movies and tv. It really is out there. I know I have no business saying this- but think about it: You don't think love exists? Well then, what did you feel for Brayden? What did he feel for you? I can tell just by the way you said his name, that you were in love with him. Hell, you might even still love him. You don't just stop loving somebody in an instant. Just think about that for a second. And what about Marco? You two just fit. Some people might call it sickening, I call it hopeful. Now, I've never seen you with Sean. You shared little information about him, but... come on, Ellie, stop fooling yourself. If you could have seen the way your face lit up even when you were bitching about how horrible he was to you. There's something there. I'm not going to be ambitious and call it love just yet, but think about it. Explore it. I think there still might be something there between you two. You told me he was the first person you told willingly about your cutting. You said you helped him do better in school. You told me you let yourself go when you were with him. When you think about all these examples I've just given you, how can you believe there isn't love in the world? Please, don't become one of those cynical fools. Like I said before, your imagination and idealism is intriguing, it's refreshing, it gives cynics like me a little hope. Yes, I used to be one of those cynical fools, and then I met you. You may think you matter very little to people, but you really changed me. You really do matter.
I'm going to get started on some homework, though, but I just wanted to tell you this. You might be laughing at how corny this e-mail is, but it is the TRUTH. One more thing, don't give up on Sean just because you two got in a fight. As your ex-boyfriend, I really shouldn't be convincing you to be with another guy, I should be jealous, but I just want what's best for you. And if he is what you want- like I think he is- then just let go and be with him. Don't worry about what other's think, don't worry about getting hurt, don't worry about the fight you just had- he cares about you. Him getting angry after finding out about your drug problem is a GOOD thing. Seriously. It shows he cares. If he didn't get angry, if he just let it go, then what kind of man is he? Nobody likes to see the person they love in pain and hurting themself. Just... don't be so hard on him. I know how you get. You feel as if everyone is ganging up on you, but they're not. He isn't. He truly cares for you. I don't even know the guy, and I can tell that. So... just, I don't know, forgive him. We all say things we don't mean. We all do things we wish we hadn't done.
So now that your eyes are probably burning from looking at the computer screen for so long, I'll let you go. I hope you really take into consideration what I've said in this e-mail. You have a purpose in this world, El. Don't let yourself get caught up in that crap anymore. You're so much better than it. I love you and sweet dreams.
Love,
Dan
PS. Please don't show this to anyone. My reputation would be ruined! Who knew I was such a softy?
Ellie
Dan,
Thanks. Really, thank you. That e-mail was beautiful. And you said things in it that no one has ever said before. Do you know what it's like to finally hear someone tell you that you matter? It's... I can't even explain it. I'm sure someone has told me it before, but coming from you it's been the first time I've ever heard it. And you tell me I have a purpose. That's comforting. Sometimes I really think I don't. I feel like I'm just going from one stage to the next. Getting used along the way.
And, brace yourself, you're right. You're right about the whole Brayden/Marco/Sean/love thing. If I even dared to stay that I didn't feel love for them, it'd be the most dishonest thing I've ever done. I'm going to try and keep that in mind when it comes to my parents. I still blame myself for that, but that's my problem. There's really not much you could say about that.
I don't really know what else to say. I'm so overwhelmed by everything lately. There's so much going on, there are so many feelings, and so many thoughts. I know I should forgive Sean. You're right. He does care about me. He's one of the few guys who's actually given a damn about me. Thanks for reminding me how special he is. I'm really going to work on that relationship.
I don't know if I can look into that stress disorder thing. I just... it's hard for me to explain why. I don't know if I can go and get help for this. I think it might be something that I have to help myself get through. Just me. You know? I don't know. It probably makes no sense to you, but it does to me. Or maybe I just want it to make sense... Who knows?
I printed out your e-mail. I'm keeping it in a special place so I can look at it whenever I feel like someone is using me, or when I feel down, or when I feel out of control. Hopefully it'll get me through it instead of a razor or drugs. Next time you see me, I hope I'm a different person. Not different in the way that I've changed completely, but different in that I've changed for the better and that I've changed to become more of myself.
Love you,
Ellie
