Summary:

Kissing, getting drunk, getting mad...


C/W: racist/homophobic/transphobic slurs.


That night, the barn caught fire. Of course, Quinn only found out later in the morning because they had been at Bible study all night again with the others. They got so messed up that they could hardly remember most of it. They did remember that they kissed Alicia again, which felt like they were the ones on fire, and that they even kissed Gretchen, when the bottle landed on her—it was only then that Quinn realised they were playing that game. Quinn was more talkative that night too, now they were more used to everybody. They talked about their mother's herbal tea for her diabetes, and how much they missed Newt, and then they brought up that one time they kissed Chris and told them how much they missed him too, and Gretchen, totally innocently like she really didn't know what words meant to people, asked if Quinn was a fag, and Alicia'd said, "Hey," softly, and Quinn'd said no, that that word meant a pile of sticks and that they, clearly, were not a pile of sticks, which made the others laugh, even Gabe, and they all asked more question about Quinn's hair and pronouns and the stuff in their pants, and Quinn drank and frowned and laughed and was just grateful nobody was punching them in the pants to get an answer—which is what people used to do in school. Still, all of that stopped pretty quickly and the subject changed to music because Terry was itching for something faster and more up-beat to listen to and Gabe was getting uncomfortable, and anyway, Quinn didn't know how they felt being the strange play-thing to pass around and prod questions at.

Once back at the shack, finally, Alicia and Quinn passed out together in a bottom bunk for a few hours before Nick came and woke them. That's when Quinn found out about the fire.

Quinn had drool on their mouth, and felt like death.

"Get up," Nick told them both. "Mom's leaving for the scout." They went outside. The sun was too bright and Quinn wondered if smoking enough pot turned you into a vampire.

"Mom!" Alicia called out. Madison squinted at her and Quinn, stepping away from the truck where she'd been talking to Coop.

"Feeling a little rough?" She hugged Alicia, giving Quinn a mild, disapproving look. Quinn was aware they looked sweaty and had big, grey bags under their eyes—both of them did, but Madison hugged them too. "Party all night, you gotta pay the price."

"Never again," Alicia said. Quinn groaned in approval and winced at Nick's mocking back-rub.

"Mom, you don't have to do this," he said to her at the same time.

"We need to contribute," Madison said.

"There are other ways," Alicia said.

"We should go," Nick said. Quinn thought about what Luci said to him once. Do what you do, Nick. Run...

"You should take care of Luciana," Madison told him. "Make her feel safe."

Troy honked the horn.

"Looks like you're with me," he said, grinning that grin.

"I guess it does," Madison answered.

"Mom, this doesn't feel right."

"I'll be gone a day, two at the most. Don't worry about me."

"You cannot trust him."

"The more we understand this family, the safer we are." He honked the horn again. "He won't hurt me," Madison assured, and sat in the front when Troy insisted.

With a wave from Troy, Madison and the scout crew left the ranch.


At breakfast, Quinn still felt crap and Gretchen noticed, and stole them an extra ration of mash out of kindness. Gretchen was also saying something about the Browns, the old couple who died in the fire last night, about Russel being one of the last four of the founding fathers or something, but Quinn wasn't really paying much attention because they were watching Alicia talk to Jake across the cafeteria, struggling with the coffee maker.

Gretchen snapped her fingers in front of Quinn's face to get their attention.

"Careful," she said, "I can see the green in your face."

Quinn grumbled something bitterly.

"Look, be kind to yourself," Gretchen said. "Quit chasing tail that's gonna get away." Gretchen was very blunt, Quinn had found. She wasn't every trying to be rude. "Alicia's not interested, like that. I can see you're close, but she's got other things on her mind."

"You know that?" Quinn asked.

"I can see it in her, woman's intuition."

Quinn watched Gretchen for a second, then asked, "And what do you see in me?"

"I don't know." She tilted her head. She smiled. "Hey, you wanna hang out with us later? Gabe's been working the still."

"Sure he'll wanna share?"

Gretchen sighed. "Sorry about him. He's a product of his environment." You all are, Quinn thought, but Gretchen seemed to know this. "Racism's been bred into us. But we're getting past it. Exceeding our elders, whatnot. Planning for a better future. It's just harder for some of us."

Quinn appreciated this, they guessed. Still, "Uh, I don't know. Headache, you know?"

"Hair of the dog?"

"What?"

"Another drink," Gretchen said, motioning to the gin on the desk. "It helps to cure the hangover." Quinn considered it, and watched Gretchen snatch a small bottle and pour half into Quinn's empty cup and the other half into hers. If nobody smelled it, they would look like simple cups of water.

Quinn drank. The smell reminded them of their father.

They both went to talk to Alicia. Gretchen talked about the same things she had talked to Quinn about. Except Alicia listened to the stuff about the founding fathers and declined the offer to hang out later and the offer to the 'hair of the dog', and the offer to the home fry. Eventually, Gretchen laid off.

They sat at a bench. Quinn had to drink three cups of gin before their hang over waded away. Alicia kept groaning. Quinn was worried it was something they were doing wrong. When they asked, Alicia said, "Sorry. I'm fine. Sorry. I just feel like shit, okay?"

Quinn laid off, too.

At some point another cup later, when Quinn began trying to play the knife game with their fork, Alicia told Quinn to, "Stop now," and Quinn said, "Why?" and Alicia said, "Because you're drunk."

"Maybe I wanna be drunk, Ally."

"You don't."

"What do you know what I do and don't want?" Quinn grimaced. "You're clueless. Just like me." They didn't mean to say those parts. Still, they kept going. "You mess with me, Ally, always. But I know what you want. You want—"

She tried to take the cup from them, but Quinn staggered away from her. Alicia tried again, this time snatching Quinn's wrist. They dropped the cup. It splashed across the bench. Quinn stared at it blankly for several seconds, then went to get more.

"Stop," Alicia said, very calmly, taking their arm. They yanked it out of her grip, then tripped over a bench leg. Nick was there then, asking things, helping them to their feet.

"Sorry," Quinn said. "Sorry. I'm fine. Sorry." Then they started laughing. They pointed at Alicia. "I sound like you now. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry for other people's problems. Sorry I'm perfect. Sorry I pretend I'm okay even though I'm really really not. Well, I'm sorry, Ally. Sorry I'm not perfect, like you are. That I'm not enough for you. Sorry that you kiss me when you feel like it and then pretend it's a game."

"Quinn..."

Alicia looked like she was crying, but it was hard to tell; Quinn dropped their glasses, and they were being taken back to the shack now. Nick kept saying, "Easy. Easy, kiddo," in between trying to support them and not drop the trey of food he had with him. Quinn kept saying, "I'm not a kid," back, and Nick told them not to be too loud, that enough people already saw that, and Quinn said, "Worried they'll hate the tranny gook even more than they already do? That it's pining over your perfect little sister like a fucking idiot?" Except the words didn't come out very well because Quinn was crying too hard. Nick shushed them. He told them to calm down. He was telling Alicia to go away, too (because she was following), telling her to tell her friends to take it easy on the peer pressure next time, and then the brother and sister were yelling at each other and Quinn was crying even harder. It was a mess, and it drew attention, but it was over quickly and Quinn was suddenly inside the shack and collapsing across the first bed they came across. Nick's bed. It had his smell in it. Quinn hid under the covers and waited away the dizzy.

Luci was saying things. "What happened?" "Why are you crying?" "Nick, what is going on?" "Did someone do someth—"

"Quinn's fine," Nick said. Quinn peeked under the sheet and saw the blurry shape of him make a drinking motion to his mouth. Luci frowned.

Nick changed the subject.

"Okay! We have eggs, we have bacon, we have toast." He placed the steaming tray on the table between them. "And we have butter, and that isn't the fake stuff. Somebody actually churned this."

Luci kissed his cheek and said, "Thank you."

"You're gonna thank me even more once you've tasted it," he said, buttering his toast. She did. "Right? It's good!"

"Wow," she said. She ate some more. She glanced at Quinn, who was biting their fingernails and watching the room idly. Luci sighed. "What's wrong?"

"People burned last night," Quinn said; saying the first thing they realised they were really thinking about.

"Mm," Luci said, "I heard people talk about it. It's sad, but beautiful." She ate another forkful. "They were together to the end."

Quinn went back to hiding and fingernail biting. Nick mumbled something.

"Nick?" Luci was saying outside the sheets. "It's time for us to go."

"Mm," he noised. "You're not ready yet."

"You know I am," Luci answered. Quinn heard movement across the room but wasn't willing to resurface yet. "Don't make me the reason to stay."

"What, now?" Nick asked. "With Quinn like this?" Quinn wiggled their foot to show they were mobile but it seemed no one noticed.

"Not right now," Luci said. "Tonight. Or tomorrow. Or—"

"Look," Nick said, "we can't just walk to Tijuana without a plan."

"I know people closer in Mexicali," she said, voice raising. She was standing right by the bed now. Quinn poked their hand out, and Luci touched it; fingertip to centre of palm, with a wiggle, then a softer than soft stroke right down their wrist.

"You knew people, okay?" Nick was saying from the other room. "They're gonna be long gone by now."

"There are tunnels where they would hide! Prohibition tunnels."

"Luci..."

"You're afraid to lose your family," Luci accused.

"No. It's just..." He didn't finish talking. He hesitated too long.

"I can't live here," Luci said.

"I'm not gonna make you," Nick said.

"You promise?"

"Yeah, I promise."

"You will come with me?"

"Si," he said, "prometo." And then he left the shack.

Luci sighed in the silence. She touched Quinn's hand again. Quinn hadn't and didn't give their opinion. They figured it was probably because they were too intoxicated. Or maybe they just didn't like the responsibility of an opinion. Either way, they kept their mouth shut while Luci brought the tray of food over and crawled under the sheets with them, making some small fort. Luci sat, cross-legged, under the sheet, and ate, while Quinn remained curled up beside her, fiddling absently with the tear in Luci's jeans.

"I remember the first time I saw you," Luci told Quinn. "Skin and bone. Bloody and pretending to be dead. Pretending to be invisible. But I saw you."

Luci stroked a long black lock of fringe out of Quinn's eyes.

"And look at you now."

Quinn didn't want to. They probably looked awful.

They hid their face.

Luci went quiet for a minute.

"You love him," Quinn muffled into the mattress.

"I do," Luci said through a mouthful of toast. The washed-out fabric made her face glow brown and gold. Quinn thought of their mother, and shut their eyes.

"It's terrible," they whispered, feeling sleep close in, "the promises you make... for the people you love."


Notes:

Sorry for the gap. Asks are open on Tumblr btw :) my blog is notmuchmoretosay

Happy reading.