Okay I got passed my writers block and I've figured out what direction I need to go in thanks to my best friend Shrinky Dink (Beautiful Creatures joke). Thank you guys so much for the AMAZIZNG reviews! You guys are such great readers and I really need to thank you guys for understanding why I didn't feel like updating. Please keep reviewing! Love you guys sooooo much. -Sofia
Chapter Twenty-Eight Tris POV-
Tobias and I have been running the simulations for a week, I've learned too much about my initiates and I feel guilty for knowing these things. Lena is scared of failure and sticking out, this makes me think she had a messy childhood and no friends. Cass is afraid of rejection and dying, this supports my first thought about her; she's a snob. Ian's fear is basically the same every time; someone shoot him and he cowers in a ball the whole time until he can get used to the pain. One of the Dauntless born initiates named Ember is afraid being burned alive and killing another Dauntless born named Ranger. Ranger has extremely reasonable fears, he's afraid of losing control and shooting all the other initiates to death.
Today are the fear landscapes. I don't know how I'll get used to not training the initiates every morning. I'm going to have to find another job now. A lot can happen in a week, yesterday I found it difficult to breathe; the cancer is starting to really get to me. I get out of breath just walking to the kitchen, it's becoming more obvious something it wrong with me but no one's found out as far as I know.
I roll over and see I'm alone and when I look at the clock and see it's already eleven and the initiates are expected to be done by twelve thirty; shoot. Tobias didn't wake me up and now I'm way late, Peter was going to let me watch the fear landscapes because he'll do anything I want. I can't believe Tobias didn't wake me. I really wanted to watch the fear landscapes and he knew that.
I take a quick shower and throw on shinny jeans and a black hoodie because I can't find my hat. I pour myself some coffee into a mug and see the note beside the coffee maker.
VI,
So sorry I didn't wake you, I know you really wanted to watch the fear landscapes.
Dr. Winston left strict instructions to sleep more because the chemo is clearly affecting you more then she anticipated
You should go and see her about your shortness of breath tomorrow.
I'll be by the door to the fear landscape room all day because my job is to inject everyone
-IV
I slip on my combat boots and throw up my hood before grabbing my coffee mug and leaving the apartment. I walk towards the fear landscape room and as I climb up the walls of the Pit I'm out of breath and have to stop a minute before continuing up the path. I find myself in the middle of the crowd watching the fear landscapes and I make my way to the door where Tobias stands alone.
He glances at me and looks away as if he doesn't recognize me, maybe he doesn't, I have my hood up and it's so big it covers my face.
"Hey who's gone?" I ask and he turns around and I see recognition in his eyes now that I've said something.
"Ranger, Logan, Cass, Lena and Alex. Ranger took fourteen minutes, Logan took thirteen minutes, Cass took sixteen minutes, Lena took thirteen minutes and Alex took fourteen minutes." He says and I nod.
"Who's in the landscape now?" I ask.
"Some Dauntless girl named Jade with black and blue hair, do you know her?" He asks.
"Yeah she was the one afraid of heights, I remember because you looked uneasy just watching her simulation." I say, it was pretty funny actually.
"Whatever, she's been in for ten minutes now, Peter might let you watch the next one if you want, it's a Dauntless born named Macon." He says and I nod.
"Is there any real order?" I ask.
"No, that was Eric's protocol, torture the weak one's first." He says.
I remember last time I was standing here, it was the day I ranked first and the day we went public as a couple. I wonder how many fears I have now, maybe I have six and maybe I have sixteen, I want to find out but I don't think I can handle even walking into that room ever again.
We wait in a comfortable silence for Jade to finish her landscape. It takes Jade a total of fifteen minutes to finish her landscape and as she walks out I can tell she's still dazed from the simulation. Peter walks out after her and comes straight to me.
"You're late." He says coldly.
"Whatever, you should be honored I even showed up." I sneer.
He grabs me by the shoulder to walk me into the room where the Dauntless leaders watch the landscapes, his one finger stretches long enough it touches my port and his fingers dig into my skin making me groan. Tobias' eyes widen as he pieces it together and Peter just looks at me weird, I force his hand off my shoulder and he looks at me confused.
"What's up with you?" Peter asks.
"I'll meet you in there." I say and he shuffles off scowling. I make sure he's gone before turning back to Tobias who looks at me dead in the eye.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
"Yeah I'm fine, it didn't hurt that bad it just scared me a little." I say.
"If you don't want anyone to find out about you, you might want to keep your hood up all day and act like things don't hurt." He says and I smile.
"Okay, I'll see you soon." I say and kiss his cheeks before walking into the room.
I sit down next to Peter and it takes me a second to realize they have to attach wires to my head in order for me to be able to watch the landscape and that will involve taking my hood off and revealing my bald head and the navy blue stitches on the side of my head from my last surgery. I allow myself to panic because if the Dauntless leaders find out I'm dying they could kick me out because I'm weak and helpless and if they don't kick me out they're at least bond to tell everyone.
"Are you going to take off your freaking hood so we can attach the wires or are you just going to sit there?" Peter asks coldly.
"Is there any other way to watch it without wires?" I asks and he looks at me weird.
"No, why? You've had wires hooked up to your head every other day." He says.
"Yeah but the only conscious person in the room was Four." I mumble.
"What did you say?" He hisses so quiet I'm probably the only one who heard him.
"Nothing," I say and I take down my hood.
I hear nothing but silence as I do but I can feel all the leaders' eyes boring into my bare head. I feel embarrassed and immediately want to put it but I'm stopped when I feel someone putting wires on my head. I turn around and see Peter who looks me straight in the eye but says nothing and just continues attaching wires to my head. Once he's done he sits down and leans close to me so no one can hear.
"Why are you bald Stiff? And your surgery was over two weeks ago, your stitches should be out, mind explaining?" He asks and I don't hear coldness in his voice but I don't hear pity either.
"Have you ever considered that I had another surgery? You know, because I had another brain tumor." I spit quietly and his eyes widen for a second but then he quickly stops it.
"What did you say?" He asks.
"I have cancer; congratulations, I'm dying." I say coldly and I glare at him.
He stays silent as Max attaches more wires to his head and before Max leaves he walks over to me and crouches.
"Meet me in my office tonight at six." He says and walks away.
I wait impatiently for the simulation to start, I hear some indistinct conversation from outside the room and I assume it's Tobias talking to Macon or whatever his name is. My surroundings change around me and the simulation begins.
Once the simulation is done it takes a few seconds to shake it off. I was in the simulation for fourteen minutes and went through twelve fears; dying, heights, other people's strengths, losing control, killing a group of people I assume are his relatives, being kicked out of Dauntless, drowning in an ocean, being shot over and over again, being buried alive, forgetting everything, not being able to speak, jumping into the chasm and watching some guy I vaguely recognize bleed to death.
I take the wires off my head and look around to see everyone already left the room so I'm alone. I walk out alone and I walk over to Tobias who stares at me in complete confusion and I remember that I have my hood down. Luckily only a few people are looking at me and the rest are watching the next initiate walk through the crowd.
"Your hood is down." Tobias says quietly.
"I had to so they could attach wires to my head so people know already." I say.
I stand on my tip-toes so I can see what initiate will be next and see a Dauntless born initiate named Ciara.
"So you don't care that people know?" He asks and I think about this, on one hand I don't want people to know but also it's getting obvious.
"Well it's pretty obvious something's wrong with me," I say and he nods, everyone's going to find out.
Once I shake off the last fear landscape I walk out of the room with the other Dauntless leaders so we can congratulate the last person who went; Riley. I put up my hood before follow everyone inside the landscape room. Riley is crouching on the ground trying to catch her breath. I feel a pang of sympathy because I remember when I went through my fear landscape, it was horrible. I push that thought aside as we congratulate her and walk out of the fear landscape room.
Once out I spot Christina waiting for me by Tobias and I walk towards them. I stand next to Christina who bursts out laughing as soon as she recognizes me.
"What are you wearing?" Christina asks between laughs.
"My idiotic boyfriend didn't wake me up this morning and then when I finally woke I couldn't find my hat so I put on a hoodie." I say and she stops laughing.
"You look like you just murdered someone in a dark alley." She says.
"I just watched Riley murder someone." I mumble and it's true, Riley's last fear was killing her baby brother.
"What?" Christina asks and I shake my head.
"Nothing, so where's Will?" I ask her, Christina's been counting down the minutes until Will would be here and I don't see him.
"Will died." She mumbles.
"HE WHAT?!" I shriek and some people look at me weird.
"I'm only kidding," Christina says laughing and she puts her hands up in surrender and I take a minute for my heart rate to slow down.
"God Christina, that's not funny." I say and she grins.
"It was a little funny, anyways Will is on his way from the fence, he called me earlier." She explains and I frown.
"It wasn't funny." I say coldly and she nodded but she didn't seem convinced.
"Final ranks go up in an hour, we should go." Tobias says and I nod.
I say goodbye to Christina before following Tobias through the Pit and towards our apartment. I don't want to admit it but I'm glad he suggested we leave because I'm feeling exhausted even though I slept in pretty late today.
The whole way we walk in silence and for some unknown reason the silence doesn't feel right. We walk through the Pit and I wait for him to say something but he never does.
"Max wants to speak with me tonight, I think he's kicking me out of Dauntless for dying." I blurt out and Tobias spins around and gives me a hard look.
"Why would he kick you out of Dauntless?" He asks and I'm not sure what to tell him because it's just this feeling inside me that he will kick me out.
"Well the Dauntless get kicked out once they're old and I'm dying so I'm not much use to them." I say and Tobias shakes his head and laughs at me.
"It's not funny! I could be kicked out of Dauntless!" I say defensively and he keeps laughing.
"You're an idiot Tris." He says finally and I feel anger build up inside me.
"I'm not an idiot, I know better than to expect the Dauntless to let me stay here." I say coldly and he stops laughing.
"You're just paranoid, they won't kick you out of Dauntless. Trust me," He says and I feel like I'm about to burst from anger even though I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because he's acting like I'm some little girl saying she's going to die after she got a paper cut, or maybe it's because he called me an idiot, either way I'm fed up.
"Shut up Four." I shriek and he looks startled that I yelled at him.
"I am not an idiot and I am not paranoid, I'm just accepting the fact that I am no use to the Dauntless anymore." I say coldly.
"Calm down." He says quietly and I groan.
"Why can't you just accept the fact that I'm leaving." I say and I'm not sure if I mean I might be kicked out of Dauntless or that I'm going to die. Suddenly I realize the horrible truth that we are standing in the Pit and people are crowded around us. I was so angry I didn't even realize that people were staring and judging by the look on Tobias' face he just realized it too. I scan the faces in the crowd and see Cass grinning like an idiot and I search the crowd for someone I know until my eyes lock with celery green one's; Will. He gives me a sympathetic look and I know that he understand what's running through my mind, at first I thought he was sorry we were fighting but now I think he's sorry that people are watching.
I'm now turned away from Tobias and just staring into Will's eyes, wishing he could get me out of this situation. I feel fingers lace with mine and I spin around to see Tobias standing behind me.
"We should probably go." He says quietly and I nod. Together we rush silently back to our apartment in complete silence. As we break through the circle that has formed around us I feel Cass' eyes bore into my back and I know she's smirking. I don't know what her problem is but I know I don't like her. I'm pretty sure she has a crush on Four but that's not why I don't like her, I don't like her because she's selfish. I can't really say she's a coward because she's a pretty good fighter and she doesn't back down in a fight so I would be lying if I said that.
We get into our apartment and Tobias closes the door behind me and let's go of my hand. I expect him to yell or something but he says nothing and just stands there, it almost looks like he's waiting… I let that thought trail off when I realize what he's waiting for; he wants an explanation.
"I'm sorry, I've been such a mess lately, to be honest I'm not even sure why I was mad at you there." I say and he folds me into his arms. I try as hard as I can not to cry but one tear slips down my cheek.
"It's okay, you're allowed to be a mess right now. Something terrible happened and no one should ever have to go through what you're going through." He says quietly and I start to sob into his shirt and I can't stop. I feel like if he let go of me I'd break into a million pieces and I'd never be able to pull myself back together.
We stay like this for what feels like minutes but was probably much longer. Finally I stop crying and I hear shouting from the hallway, how long were we standing like that? My legs ache and I'm tired but that might just be because I'm weak. Tobias let's go of me and I go into the bathroom to see that my face is red and swollen from crying for so long. I splash some cold water on my face and put up my hood before walking out. Tobias holds back laughter when I walk back to him and I know I look like someone who belongs in a dark alley with a butter knife with my hood up like this.
"Why must everyone laugh at me?" I ask and he shrugs.
"You look like some psycho with your black hoodie on, Christina was right, you look like you just murdered someone." He says and I grin.
"Maybe I did just kill someone," I say raising my eyebrows.
Tobias takes my hand and we walk towards the crowd that's formed around the platform by the fear landscape room. I spot Will and Christina standing towards the back and pull Tobias towards them. I haven't seen Will in forever, I wasn't able to see him during visiting day because of my surgery. Once I'm close enough I let go of Tobias' hand and wrap my arms around Will, startling him. After a moment he hugs me back and Christina laughs lightly as we both pull away from each other.
"I haven't seen you in forever." I say to Will who's laughing at me. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe it's because I hugged him but that's not weird. Then it hit's me; "You look like some psycho with your black hoodie on, Christina was right, you look like you just murdered someone." Tobias had said. Immediately I laugh to and now all three of us are laughing and Tobias is pinching the bridge of his nose and looking at me as if I'm crazy.
"What are you wearing Tris?" Will asks and I grin.
"You saw me earlier, why are you so shocked?" I ask smirking.
"Well your hood wasn't up then." He says.
I hear a loud squealing sound from behind me and turn to see Peter standing on the platform with a microphone. I didn't get any say in the final ranks; only the Dauntless leaders get to determine those ranks. I wait impatiently as Peter goes through the ridiculous speech the leaders read every year until finally he says something about the ranks and then the ranks show up on the screen behind him.
RangerZaynAlexJadeChaseLenaMaconMarkIanCassThe list looks reasonable as far as I know from the fear simulations, I don't know why Cass or Ian made it but I missed their fear landscapes so I suppose they impressed the leaders that way. Tobias told me that Mark was amazing at knife throwing and it took him an average of eight minutes to get out of the fear simulations so even though I'm not a fan of him, he's ranks were accurate.
I think back to the fear landscapes and I remember when Macon had to watch someone with blue hair bleed to death. I still barely recognize the person and maybe that's because the guy was completely covered in blood and his face was contorted with pain. I run through a list of people in my mind trying to figure out who he was and I stop when I think about who I know has blue hair; Ranger. Ranger is either Macon's friend, sibling or boyfriend. I don't know why I am so curious about their relationship but I just am.
"Earth to Stiff," A voice calls behind me and I see Lynn standing behind me smirking.
"Huh?" I ask, I didn't hear what she said.
"I was asking if you were okay, you kind of zoned out and started breathing heavy." Lynn explains and I nod realizing I am breathing heavily like she said.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I say and the people around me start to get blurry and I'm tired, so tired.
"I just need to sleep." I say and I can hear how sluggish I sound. Then my vision starts to go black, oh gosh, not again, I think and then everything goes black.
