Last chapter didn't have much exciting to work with- and this one turned out shorter than I thought, but there is lots of emotion... so that's something I guess. :)

PS- not really sure why sometimes the dividing lines show up and sometimes they don't- sorry about that. I put them in, I swear.


No reviews last chapter. :(


Starting work on 12 now- not sure when it'll be up. Hopefully in a day or two.


Of course I do not own these characters, the dialogue or anything really.


Jimmy

I call after Kyle, but he ignores me. I follow him to the small kitchen backstage. He stops walking and turns around to face me. "Go ahead, Jimmy. Say it."

"Dude, what the hell was that before? We're supposed to be a team." I try to keep my voice even, but I can't.

"Yeah, we're a team," his tone drips sarcasm, "except you don't listen to anything I say. You just shoot it down and that's it. And if we're such a team, why did you need Karen to help you write and not me? We're supposed to be working together."

I open my mouth to defend myself and he cuts me off.

His voice rises in anger, "You know- if you don't like the new stuff in the show, maybe you should have helped me write it instead of fighting with Derek over Karen. It's like she's the only thing- the only person- that matters to you anymore. You barely talk to me- and I'm supposed to be your best friend!" He takes a breath. When he speaks again it's calmly, but he stands his ground, "This show is about more than you and Karen. The stuff with The Diva makes the show better." He pauses, looking hard at me, "If you can't see that then you're the one who can't see the show anymore." He starts to walk away.

I take a step toward him and call him back. "Hey! I see the show perfectly. I see Derek changing it, because he's jealous of me and Karen." Kyle rolls his eyes. I narrow mine, "Which, if we're gonna be really honest here- so are you." Kyle's face falls for a moment. But he recovers quickly, his face hardening.

He responds icily, "Believe it or not Jimmy- my life doesn't revolve around you anymore, so get over yourself. And Derek's idea is a good one. So, you can bitch all you want- I don't care." Kyle walks out.

I lean against the table, a thousand thoughts roiling in my head.


Karen

The cast is crowded together offstage, listening to Derek talk to Richard Francis, explaining that the show is still a work in progress, and that we made changes this afternoon. "Is everyone ready?" he calls.

We cheer our affirmation.

Derek smiles, "Ok. Places." The dancers file out past us, leaving Ana and I alone.

She turns to me, face serious. "I'm sorry," she tells me sincerely, "I didn't mean to take one of your songs."

I shake my head, distracted, focused on the show. "It's fine. It was all Derek anyway, not you. Once he calms down it'll go back."

I barely notice that her tone changes, "What do you mean?"

I look at her and shrug, "Well, he only gave you that song because he was pissed at me."

Her tone is sharp, "Are you kidding?" I look at her in confusion. "Wow. Thanks for believing in me." Ana steps onstage, wiping the hurt look from her face.

What'd I say?


The show ends and I find Ana, there are some things I need to say. The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me that she never said anything to Derek this afternoon when he was giving her my song.

I find her walking toward the dressing rooms. I confront her. "Hey, you said you wouldn't let it happen."

She continues walking, not looking at me. "What?" she asks. Is that anger in her tone? No, I get to be angry.

I spell it out for her, since she wants to play dumb. "Today, I worried that Derek would take my songs away because he's mad at me and you said you wouldn't let it happen. What changed?"

She turns suddenly to look at me. "The show isn't about you and Jimmy. You know that, right?" she begins angrily. "God," she growls, "I'm so sick of this soap opera. It's all I've heard for MONTHS! Do you realize that you never ask about me or my life? I thought we were supposed to be friends."

I stand speechless. She continues for me.

"You know, this whole time I have been telling myself that it's ok to just hang around and accept whatever I got because you're the star and I'm just your friend." Her voice lowers, "I just never thought you felt that way too."

I have words for that. "That's the thing. I'm not the star anymore am I?"

"Thanks for the support, 'friend'." She says bitterly. "It's not my fault that Derek thinks I'm talented and wants to use me in more scenes."

I close my eyes and shake my head- how can she not see it? "This isn't about talent."

"Maybe not for you." She goes for the low blow. "Guess you should have slept with Derek when you had the chance." I can't hide the shock on my face. How could she say that? Ana walks away before I can say anything else.

I stand there frozen, wondering what else I could possibly lose today.


I gather my things from my dressing room. I can't get out of here soon enough. I hope Jimmy won't want to stay long at the party. It's been a terrible day. I hear the door open below and Derek's voice drifts up to me. "Hey, what did you think?" And… it just got worse. Is he seriously acting like nothing happened?

"You want to know what I think?" I ask him irritably, "I think you're angry with me and Jimmy and you're taking it out on the show." I pause for a moment. I have to know. "Did you give me Marilyn because of my talent or because you wanted to sleep with me?"

Without looking up from the magazine he's pretending to read, "Your talent," he says flatly.

Right. "Too fast." I walk down the stairs and stand in front of him. "After this show is over, I don't think we should work together again."

He flips pages without a word. I turn and walk to the door. I place my hand on the handle and begin to pull. His voice stops me. "There's something you should know about Jimmy." He still isn't looking at me.

I open the door, "Not from you I don't."

He ignores me. He sounds almost bored as he tells me, "Scott pays him in cash because he doesn't have a Social Security number." I let the door fall closed, "And the New York Times fact checker said that Jimmy Collins isn't even his real name." He looks at me now- probably to gauge my reaction.

I cross my arms and shrug. Who cares? "So he changed his name- actors do it all the time." He looks down at his magazine and flips more pages.

"Yeah." He pauses, "But they don't do it because they've got something to hide, do they?" He lets the accusation sit in the air. I should go, but I can't seem to leave without knowing everything he knows. Derek seems encouraged by my continued presence. He tries to sound casual, "I lent him money last week- a lot of it." He closes his magazine and looks at me again. "For a drug debt." A small smile plays on his lips- he's enjoying this. I narrow my eyes and end the conversation.

"This is childish. Even for you." I shouldn't have listened to him. He's lying. He's trying to drive a wedge between me and Jimmy. That's all.

He shrugs as I turn to leave again. "Well, be careful. You don't know what you're dealing with."

This time I don't stop when I get to the door, I call over my shoulder instead. "Yes I do. A jealous old man." I hear him laugh humorously as the door closes.

Unfortunately, his words aren't so easy to forget. And they rattle around in my head with all the other unasked and unanswered questions I have about Jimmy. I walk back toward the stage and the celebration. I know I promised myself I'd let him tell me on his own time, but who knows how long that will take... He has to open up. How can I be with someone I don't even know? Who doesn't trust me?


Jimmy

I make it back to the stage before Karen. I grab a drink and wait behind the set for her. I feel like we might need a minute to ourselves before facing the party. It's been a crazy day.

I see Karen come around the corner and I feel better immediately. I smile as she joins me and I lean in to kiss her. She pulls away, putting her hands on my chest to hold me back. Hurt and confusion wash through me. What is going on?

Looking at her more closely, I can see that she's upset. "What's up?" My face and voice show my concern.

A dozen possibilities run through my mind, but I'm not at all prepared for what she says. "What did Derek give you all that money for?" I back away from her, stunned. Did he tell her about that? What a petty… I can hardly believe he'd do that. But she's not done. "And other than the pills the other morning, what have you taken since Ronnie's concert?" I turn away. I don't have to take this. She can't want to do this now. She reaches for my hand to stop me. But her next words aren't to comfort, they're more questions. "Did you lie to the New York Times?" She can't be serious. I walk away. I feel blindsided- like all the breath has been knocked from my body by the force of her accusations.

I try to keep my expression neutral, but inside I'm a mess. A thousand emotions tumble through me. This is one of my worst nightmares. I'm not ready to tell her- and I'm certainly not going to do it with two dozen people standing in earshot. Has she lost her mind? I'm furious, I'm terrified- I'm speechless. I turn to look at her and move my mouth, but no words come out. I try again. I try to keep my face calm, my voice even and my eyes cold, "I am NOT doing this right now." I hope my fear doesn't show. I turn and walk away again.

She chases me. I can feel her eyes on the back of my head. "You can tell me," she pleads, trying to reassure me. If she knew what she was really asking… I shake my head. "I care about you," she calls after me. I stop walking- tears come unbidden at her words. I swallow hard against them. It would be so much easier if she didn't care about me- if I didn't care about her. "I need to know," she begs. I close my eyes and look down. I turn slowly to face her. Encouraged, she tries again, "I know there's something going on- something you're not telling me." She only thinks she wants to know. Her face is open, concerned- free from judgment. I picture her face twisted in revulsion and contempt. I don't think I could bear that.

I implore her, my voice shaking, tears threatening to fall, "Look, my past… is my past." I take a step toward her, "All that matters is where I am right now." I take another step, "Right here, with you." I'm only inches from her. I can see the flecks of color in her eyes, feel her breath on my face. "Ok? Please," I beg. Please let that be enough.

Her shoulders relax a little, hope rises in me-

We're interrupted by Ana and Kyle. Apparently he forgot he was mad at me. His face is alight with excitement and his words come out in a rush, "Oh my God! The article is out!" I silently curse and thank him at the same time. With a last look at me, Karen turns to them.

"You guys should check it out." Ana isn't as animated as usual.

Together, we read the article out loud. It's very complimentary of our show and the writing team behind it. I should be more excited, but it's been a bad day- and it's not looking like it will get better. I sigh. And I owe Kyle an apology.

I pull him aside to talk. I see Karen waiting nearby, but this is important. And I'm not in a hurry to finish our conversation anyway. I look at Kyle and get right to the point. "I'm sorry. I am a dick." Ok, I'm not great at apologies.

Kyle nods, agreeing with me, but he gives no ground. "Yeah. You are." Gee. Thanks.

"Dude, I'm really sorry ok?" Frustrated, I run my hand through my hair before letting it smack on the wooden platform beside me. "Look, I know I can be a jerk sometimes…" I switch tactics, "But, I mean- all this, everything," I gesture around us, "it's because of you." I smile at him, but he maintains his glare. "You got us here," I tell him seriously. "Dude, I can't do this without you- you know that. Besides," I affect a bad accent to quote the article, "we're 'edgy and occasionally brilliant.'" I laugh and I see his mouth twitch.

He works not to smile, "I'm brilliant all the time- you're the occasional half." I nod and he laughs. All is forgiven. I pull him to me and give him a hug. I hold him tight. I can't lose him AND Karen today. I sniff back the emotion that keeps threatening to overcome me tonight.

I see Blake over Kyle's shoulder. I look at Kyle and point with my chin toward Blake. "Go have some fun, man." Kyle looks at me and I pat him on the back. "You earned it." He smiles at me before walking over to kiss Blake. I watch my roommate for a moment, happy for him, before I turn my attention to Karen, who is still standing nearby. I can't avoid this forever.

She hesitates a moment before coming over. Maybe it's the wary expression I'm wearing.

She stands in front of me, close enough to touch, but careful not to. Her eyes search my face. Hers is serious, but sincere. "About before," she begins. I can't stop myself from hoping she'll tell me everything is fine, that my past doesn't matter. She takes a deep breath, "This isn't just right now for me." I swallow hard and look down. I have such mixed emotions. My heart leaps at the idea of a future with her- and that she wants one with me, but I'm filled with dread over what her next words will be. She continues, "What I feel with you," I look up at her before cutting my eyes away to the side, unable to hold her gaze, "I want to be with you for a long time." Her words are both a comfort and a knife blade. Tears spring to my eyes again. I look down to hide them. She tries to meet my eyes, "You have to open up to me. I can't do this otherwise." There it is. Her hand touches my arm, and I look up at her. "You have to let me know who you are." She smiles and tries to make her last words playful, but they're an ultimatum.

My next words will determine our fate. If I don't tell her, I'll lose her. If I do tell her, I'll most likely lose her anyway, and she'll probably hate me for what I've done. I lose no matter what. It's the story of my life.

She's still looking at me, her expression hopeful, waiting for my response. I take a rattling breath- I can't believe I'm about to say this. Tears shining in my eyes, I tell her, "I'm sorry." I should probably say more, but that's all I have. I shrug helplessly.

I watch as the hopeful look on her face slowly fades into sadness. She nods, understanding my meaning, "I'm sorry too." She walks quickly away without looking back. I stare at her retreating form until she disappears into the shadows offstage. It seems strange that so few words can end what have been some of the happiest weeks of my life.

I stand alone while the celebration continues around me. I chew my cheek to distract from the pain in my chest, but it's not working. I close my eyes to hide from it and to lock the emotion inside- away from the rest of the world. I hit my head against the metal pole beside me. A satisfying clang accompanies the new pain in my head. At least it worked- for a moment it overrides the pain I'm trying to drown out. But only for a minute.

What have I done?


Several had asked if I'd still let them break up this chapter- and the answer is yes (obviously)- otherwise, he may never decide to tell her. :P Never fear, his better self will kick him in the rear for the next week or so (I'm still struggling with the timeline between the 2 episodes...) He'll get his act together.

What'd you think? Please review.