Please forgive my delay in posting I have been visiting my family for a week. Hope you all had a wonderful Easter.
Thank you all so much for the awesome reviews, you guys are amazing!
bitten2 – Thanks a lot!
LoveAsh87, buff802y, DarceLynn – Yep Tom got his. Thanks for the review!
bether85 – Thanks. Breakeven is an awesome song. I love music and lyrics so I like including them in the story, I think they sometimes help with the storytelling.
WillowOn3 – Aw thanks Darlin! Truly your reviews always mean so much, they make me smile. Oh I hope you're better from your flu, poor thing. I'm the awesome one?! How about we be awesome together?
uluvme – Standing ovation? How awesome! I felt like I had to have Tom taunt Julian a bit, Julian is not the sort of guy to just lay into someone. Plus it was a challenge for me to write and I love a challenge. As for the bat…well I didn't want Tom to die, I have plans for him…
mutt009 – Wow awesome long review! Yep Tom has been owed an ass kicking for a damn long time! Aw kissed your pillow huh…not quite the ground but I'll take it! I understand completely, I have had a few moments where I have lost control in anger and it's scary that you can get to that point, hasn't happened in a long time though. It's awful to have to go through.
drummergirl244 – cool, yeah singing is not my strong suit…unless I want to torture people lol. Thanks.
shayer – I did consider Ashley being the one to beat Tom, but she already gave him a few good hits so I thought I'd let Julian do it. Thanks so much, that means a lot. Uh consequences…we'll see
somthgIlike2do – Tom did get what he deserved, not that I condone violence at all. Hmm I like your theory…we'll see if you're right. As for who called the cops before Ashley did…I honestly have no idea…um let's say it was the liquor shop owner or someone passing by.
Dark Vizard447 – Hmm you want to know how Paula feels huh… stay tuned.
MrsMusgraveTNG – why thank you, I always liked that quote, I thought it was a perfect reflection of who Ashley is. She may not always do the right thing, but more often than not her reasons are right (besides the whole Aiden thing…that was gross). I love Jules too and man if he was real he'd totally be my bff!
Fear Itself
Chapter Twenty-Eight – Right the Wrongs
Tom's POV
I was kept in hospital overnight for observation after that loser Julian had attacked me, they wanted to keep me longer but I refused and forced them to let me leave. I felt furious at myself that I had let him get one up on me. I was twice the man he was and yet I let him take out his little revenge scenario on me. Fucking moron that he was, he couldn't see Spencer Carlin for what she really was.
She was a whore, a deviant and she deserved everything that happened to her. I would never, and I mean never forgive her for humiliating me and ruining my life with her perversion. It was bad enough that she had to be a fucking deviant, but to sour my existence with her sin was unforgivable. I couldn't understand how the rest of the world couldn't see what she was really like. It was like they were all wearing blinders or something and couldn't see the true depravity of her dalliances into women. It made me sick.
The cops at the hospital had tried to get me to name the person who attacked me, but there was no way in hell I was going to do that. I told them I was jumped from behind and never saw his face. I wasn't keeping quiet to protect Julian, I didn't give a flying fuck about Julian, he was less than nothing to me. I kept quiet because I didn't want the world to know that someone so beneath me had gotten one over me. Maybe it was a pride thing, but there was no fucking way I could live with the shame of people knowing that little punk Julian had actually beaten me when I was a hundred times the man he was.
He'd done a decent job on me, gotta give the little prick that much. I had a broken nose, two black eyes, three missing teeth, a concussion, two cracked ribs and more cuts and bruises then I could ever count. I also had eight stiches in my forehead and four more on the back of my head. I guess I must have hit a nerve or two during our friendly discussion.
After being released from the hospital I'd hit the nearest liquor store, cleaned out the last of my bank account buying alcohol and headed home, which is where I had been for the last twenty-four hours, getting as drunk as I possibly could. Of course I had run out of booze like three hours ago and now I was trying to get steady enough on my feet to head out to get more by maxing out my remaining credit cards.
Everything had kind of fallen apart for me. I had lost the woman I truly loved forever, which destroyed me and then I had forced myself to crawl back to my father who would never see me as anything but a failure. I had worked so hard, done everything I could, to make him see me as a man to be proud of and that was all for nothing. He hated me, he didn't want me as his son. To make matters worse he had cut me off and refused to help get me out of this stupid shit with Spencer.
Spencer, even thinking her name made my blood boil. She had ruined my life. She had destroyed everything! Before her perversion I had a family who respected me, a girlfriend who looked good on my arm and was a principle violinist in a respected orchestra (what a trophy piece she made at work functions) and a promising career. Now I had nothing and no one and it was all Spencer fucking Carlin's fault.
If she hadn't fallen back into a life of depravity with that Ashley person then my life wouldn't be so fucked up. Both of them would burn in hell for what they were doing with each other, I just hoped it would be sooner rather than later.
I was sitting, fuming at the direction my life had taken because of that dumb blonde slut I had been seeing when I heard an angry knocking at my door. I assumed it was another brainwashed friend of Spencer's who didn't see the sin behind her perverted lifestyle. I figured it was someone coming to give me another beating and you know what I just wasn't up for that, my fucking body was screaming in pain now that I was starting to sober up a bit.
I ignored the persistent knocking and yelling voices I couldn't quite make out and just stared off into space, willing them to go away. I hated the world and I just wanted to be left alone to drink and forget that everything is so fucked up. I drowned out the voiced and the banging and closed my eyes. I was starting to drift off to sleep when a loud crash woke me with a start and a barrage of people in police uniforms swarmed into my house.
Detective Lewis' POV
We'd done it, we had built a solid, almost air tight case against Tom Brooks and now I had a warrant for his arrest sitting safely in my jacket pocket. Today was a good day, Tom was about to start paying for what he had done, finally.
I climbed out of my car and looked over at my partner and the uniformed cops we had there to back us up. "Let's do this!" I said with determination as I started up the path to Tom Brooks' front door. His yard, which looked like it had once been professionally landscaped, was littered with empty alcohol bottles, trash and piles of what looked like old vomit. It was pretty revolting and just made my disgust for the man we were there to arrest all the stronger.
I reached his front step and knocked hard on the door with my fist. We waited for a reply or any movement inside before I started knocking again and this time calling out, "Mr Brooks? This is the police, would you open the door please?!"
Still no response so we knocked again, harder and louder. One of the uniformed cops looked in through the living room window and announced that he could see Tom sitting on a chair in the living room staring off into space.
That's when I lost my patience, after everything I was still shocked by the audacity of the man to just sit in his chair and ignore us. I pulled out my gun and slammed it into the wood while yelling, "Tom, this is the police, open this fucking door right now! You are under arrest! This is your last warning, open the door right the fuck now or we'll break it down!" I banged on the door one more time, yelled a little more and then gestured the uniforms with the ram to come forward. They slammed the ram into the door and it crashed open, slamming into the wall with a loud bang.
We strode into the house, almost being knocked out by the disgusting stench that filtered out of the place. It smelt like stale booze, vomit, cigarettes, garbage and something that smelled suspiciously like a dead rat mixed with the aroma of body odour and feet. The stench was so bad my eyes started to water and tough as nails cops started to gag.
I forced myself forward, breathing determinedly through my mouth, and stepped into the living room to see Tom sitting wide eyes on a stained chair that I'm sure was once worth a shit load of money. I glared hatefully at Tom Brooks, it was time for this piece of shit to get what was coming to him. He was going to rot for what he had done.
"Tom Brooks, you are under arrest for the attempted rape of a Miss Spencer Carlin," I announced with a profound sense of justice. I grabbed his arm and forced him to his feet as I dragged his arms behind his back and cuffed him. Tom stood staring off into space, not reacting in anyway or showing any emotions. I gripped his arm hard and continued to read him his rights, "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you by the courts. Got anything to say for yourself?" I snarled. It was starting to bug me that he wasn't reacting at all.
Tom turned his head and looked right at me, his face twisting into a smirk that I just wanted to slap off, although by the look of him someone had beaten me to it. The bastards face was black and blue, it was much less that he deserved though.
Tom kept smirking so I jerked him hard and dragged him out of the house to my waiting car. I had to practically carry him, all the alcohol in his system making him unsteady on his feet. I threw him unceremoniously into the backseat, praying he wouldn't throw up in there, and slammed the door shut with enough force to rattle the windows. I shared a smile of triumph with my colleagues before climbing into the driver's seat and heading off to the police station.
Spencer's POV
I finally had a quiet afternoon at home, I'd gotten home from work and for once didn't have band practice (Julian had cancelled it unexpectedly) or any other commitment so I was looking forward to an afternoon spent in my music room working on a few new songs that had been sitting in my head for about a week now.
I was working on one about the first date I'd had with Ashley. Despite what had happened the morning after that night still went down as one of my best nights ever. She had made me feel so loved, so safe and I wanted this song to capture that. It was pretty much done, all I needed to do now was fine tune it. I was a perfectionist when it came to my music, and with this song in particular I wanted so badly to get it just right.
I was seated at my piano playing the melody and softly singing the lyrics when my phone rang. I scrambled off the piano stool and jogged to the phone in my kitchen. I picked it up and answered, "Hello?"
"Hello, is this Spencer?" A familiar voice asked with a hint of excitement.
"Yeah this is Spencer, is that you Detective Lewis?" I asked softly, already thinking of all the worst case scenarios he could be calling to tell me about.
"Yes it is. Spencer I have some good news, actually no I have fantastic news. As of forty-five minutes ago we have arrested Tom Brooks. He is now in custody and is due in court tomorrow for his bail hearing, which between you and me I think will result in him remaining locked up," Detective Lewis said in his deep, soothing voice.
I felt tears of relief fill my eyes and I cleared my throat before responding, "Oh wow, thank you so much. I can't tell you how relieved I am to know he is off the streets. I have been half expecting him to turn up on my door step or something." I had to stop speaking as my tears started to fall. This was the best news. I could actually start to feel safe again.
"You're welcome Spencer, I wanted to get the guy so badly. He deserves to pay for what he has done to you. I'm glad we are able to help you feel safer now. I just need to let you know that the district attorney will be contacting you at some point to discuss the case. We've built a solid case and are doing everything by the book. This guy is going to prison for a damn long time," Detective Lewis said with pride in his voice.
"Thanks Detective. I can't tell you how much this all means to me," I murmured.
"The pleasure is all mine Spencer. Well I'll let you go but will call you with any updates. Take care of yourself."
"Thank you, I will. Talk to you soon." I waited until the detective said goodbye and then hung up the phone. I stood there for a moment, just letting it all sink in. I felt a smile break out on my face and knew there was one very special person I wanted, no needed, to share this moment with.
I picked up the phone and dialled a number I had memorised. I smiled to myself as I waited for them to answer, "Hello?" Came her raspy voice down the line.
"Hey Ash its Spencer, I have big news," I said excitedly.
"Oh yeah? Care to share Blue?" Ashley asked with a smirk evident in her voice.
"Well I just had a call from Detective Lewis, they arrested Tom this afternoon! He's in custody," I exclaimed, a huge smile making its way across my face.
"Oh my God Blue, that's fucking amazing! Oh wow, I am so relieved! This is truly fantastic. We should celebrate!" Ashley gushed. I giggled at over-exuberance and couldn't help but smile.
"We might be getting just a bit ahead of ourselves here Ash, how about we save the celebration for when he gets convicted and locked up?" I asked. I was terrified to get my hopes up too high in case he got let off.
"Spence, this is a good thing. Look they wouldn't have arrested the son of a bitch unless they had a solid case against him. Tom Brooks is going to rot in prison for what he did to you, and so in honour of him getting his worthless ass arrested I say we celebrate, and I won't take no for an answer," Ashley said teasingly.
I heard a knock on my door and got up to answer it, laughing down the line, "Well in that case I guess I don't really have a choice then do I? Hey hang on a second someone's at the door."
"Check the peep hole!" Ashley called down the line, making me roll my eyes.
I glanced through the peep hole and almost had a heart attack when I saw who was on the other side. I raised the phone to my mouth again and stammered, "Fuck…Ash, shit oh shit, it's Paula. Fucking Paula's at my door! What the hell do I do?"
I heard Ashley gasp and rolled my eyes, clearly she wasn't going to be a big help here. "Ok Spence, here's what you do, go hide and I'll call Julian to come round and take her out!" Ashley ordered down the line.
Paula knocked again and I reacted on instinct and opened the door. I could hear Ashley telling me off for being, in her words, 'kind of a stereotypical dumb blonde'. I looked at the woman who gave me life and then raised me and saw only a tired, haggard woman who looked like the weight of the world was not only on her shoulders, but that it was crushing her.
Paula locked her sad blue eyes on mine and said sadly, "Spencer I'm, I am so very sorry for everything."
I just stared at her and raised the phone to my ear again, "Ashley I'm going to have to call you back, I have to deal with Satan's minion." I heard Ashley giggle and then order me to call her as soon as Satan's bride left or should anything go down and then I hung up.
I glared at the woman at my door and snarled, "What the hell are you doing here Paula?" I spat her name at her, making sure she caught onto the fact that she was no mother to me.
Paula had the decency to look ashamed as her eyes searched my face, I'm sure for a sign that I didn't want to start throwing punches. "I, uh I came to talk to you. I have done so much that I am not proud of, I have done so many things wrong and I know I don't deserve forgiveness or redemption but I have to tell you how very sorry I am for all I have done," Paula stammered, her voice shaky with emotion.
I crossed my arms over my chest and tried to hold my glare on my face. This woman had caused me so much damn pain, but she was still my mother. The last time I had seen her was the day at Tom's house when she had blown me a kiss as Ashley drove me away. As much as I wanted to hate for all she's done, that had broken my heart. She had just looked so lost and devastated standing alone on Tom's lawn.
Paula took a step closer to me and I immediately stepped back, "Don't come any closer," I muttered, almost feeling guilty when her face fell. I was so confused. I was not equipped to deal with this.
Paula took a step back, "Ok Spencer I won't. I understand your wariness and anger. I deserve it. I was narrow minded and judgemental and it has taken a lot for me to be able to admit that. I went to church after that day at Tom's house. I went to our church and spoke to Father Maslen every day since. He has counselled me since then and helped me to see that despite what I was brought up to believe homosexuality isn't necessarily a sin. He told me that everything in the world of religion should come back to one fundamental truth, and that is that God is love. God made you and he loves you, no matter what. I know now that it is not my job to judge or condemn you, God alone has the right do that. My only job as your mother is to love you unconditionally. Now I may not understand it and it is most certainly not the life I would have chosen for you, but I respect that it is your life to live how you want."
I stared at her in disbelief. This had to be some kind of cruel joke, no way had my mother done a complete one eighty in the short amount of time since I'd last seen her. There was no way. Not after the way she had reacted to my sexuality and the way she had treated me and manipulated me in the aftermath of what Carmen had done.
It seemed too easy that she had miraculously changed her mind. I scoffed and glared harder at her, "You seriously expect me to just believe you've completely changed your views on my sexuality in such a short time. Are you forgetting the fact that after I came out you hit me and then kicked me out of the house? Are you forgetting the fact that you used the worst and most traumatic experience that has happened in my life as a means to manipulate me into living the type of life you deemed acceptable? Jesus Paula! You have got to be kidding if you think that all that is forgotten just because you apologised. It's too damn little, too damn late!" I practically screamed at her as my emotions took control of me.
Paula started wringing her hands in front of her, her anxiety was palpable. "I know Spencer, I know that I can't expect you to forgive me after everything I did. The things I put you through really do not even fall in the ball park of forgivable. I deserve nothing but anger and hatred from you."
I sighed tiredly and ran my hand through my long blonde hair which was so much like hers before she started adding highlights to cover the greys, "Despite everything I don't hate you Paula, I should but I just can't. No matter what you do to me you are my mother, as much as I have sometimes wished that wasn't true. I can't hate you Paula, I don't. If I did then I wouldn't care so much and everything you have done wouldn't hurt me as much as it does." I blinked back tears and leaned heavily against the door frame.
Paula closed her eyes and when she opened them her blues eyes were shiny with tears. "Spencer I would give everything I have to take this all back, what I did to you, what Carmen did to you and what Tom did to you, both by releasing the video and when he attacked you. I heard what Tom did and I hated myself. I knew that it was my fault, what he did to you was my fault!" With that Paula burst out into anguished sobs.
I looked at her confused, her fault? I had never once blamed my mother for what Tom had done to me. I took a hesitant step towards her and murmured softly, "What Tom did to me has had a major impact on my life and the people in it, but I have never, not even once, blamed you for it. Tom is the only person to blame. He is the one that tried to...rape me. There are a lot of things in my life I do blame you for, but Tom trying to rape me is not one of them." I still found myself faltering at the word rape, it was far too real when I said it out loud.
Paula's eyes snapped up and locked on mine with confusion written in them, "How can you not blame me Spencer? I manipulated you when you were hurting and too vulnerable to refuse me and then I forced you to date a man who you didn't want to be with. If I hadn't forced you to date Tom Brooks then none of this would have ever happened. If I had just accepted who you are and let you live the life you wanted then none of this would have ever happened. I handed you to your rapist on a platter and for that I am sorrier than you will ever know." Paula started sobbing loudly then, leaning back against the hallway wall for support.
I took another hesitant step towards her and choked back my own tears. I couldn't believe it, she actually seemed genuine. I never thought I'd live to see the day when my mother actually accepted my sexuality and felt remorse for all the pain she had caused, not only to me but to my family, Ashley and my friends as well.
"Paula, it's not your fault. You weren't to know that Tom would do that to me. You couldn't have predicted that. What you should be sorry for is making me feel guilty and ashamed of who I am following a horrific event that changed my life. Instead of using that moment to manipulate and force me to conform to your idea of what I should be, you should have supported and loved me unconditionally. What you taught me is that sometimes a parent's love is conditional and I learnt that the moment I didn't live up to your expectations for me." I said, finding strength in finally getting to say what I had waited years to say to my mother.
I took a deep breath and continued, pain seeping into my voice, "Paula it should have taken Tom releasing that video or him attacking me for you to see how badly you screwed up. It shouldn't have taken me being damaged almost to the point of no return for you to finally start accepting who I am. You are my mother and you are supposed to love me no matter what. It kills me that you couldn't find that love in your heart until something tragic happened."
Paula sniffled and pulled a tissue out of her pocket to mop up her tears. She nodded and a watery, sad smile found its way onto her face, "You are completely right Spencer, I failed you in the worst kind of way. I was stupid and wrong and I wish I had listened to my heart instead of my head. I want you to know that while I let you down and treated you appallingly, I really do love you and while I know I went about it the wrong way, everything I did was to protect you."
I nodded and crossed my arms over my chest again, "I know that. If I didn't believe that then you and I would not be having this conversation right now."
Paula looked thoughtfully at me, "Do you think we will ever be able to get past this Spencer? Do you see a time in the future where you will ever be able to forgive me?"
I looked at her carefully, reading the sincerity behind her words. I wanted to badly to believe her, but after everything how could I leave myself vulnerable to her again? I knew after everything my heart just couldn't take much more punishment from her. It just hurt far too much.
I think Paula sensed my hesitation because she smiled sadly and held up her hand, "its ok Spencer, I know I don't deserve anything from you so we can leave it here. Please know that I love you and am truly sorry. I will always be here for you and if there is anything I can ever do please let me know. Good bye Sweetheart."
Before I could say anything she was gone, heading down the stairs. I felt torn. Part of me wanted desperately to follow her and make everything right between us, the other, more realistic, part of me knew that it was going to take more than speeches and apologies for me and my mother to ever be ok again.
I sighed sadly and headed back inside. This had been one hell of an afternoon.
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Sooo, what did you guys think??
