A/N: Oh, God, I'm so freaking sorry that this has taken so long, but I've had writer's block like you wouldn't believe! ALL my stories ground to a halt this past month or so, including this one. It was so incredibly frustrating. But I think I'm getting over it, so tentatively speaking I should be able to start updating fairly regularly again until the end, which is getting closer.

Sorry!

Extra Special Note!! This chapter is dedicated entirely to sun_hime of LiveJournal, whose birthday I missed and felt really bad for. Thanks for all the reviews and the dedication to this story, and I truly hope this was worth the wait. Happy Belated!!!!!!!!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Winter Song

Chapter 27: Running Up That Hill

You don't wanna hurt me

But see how deep the bullet lies?

Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder

There is thunder in our hearts, baby

So much hate for the ones we love

Tell me we both matter

Don't we?

You (be running up that hill)

You and me (be running up that hill)

And if I only could

Make a deal with God

And get Him to swap our places

Be running up that road

Be running up that hill

Be running up that building

If I only could…oh…

"Running Up That Hill" by Placebo (Bones [Original Television Soundtrack])

When Xander knocked on the door, he wasn't entirely sure what to expect. He had a vague, half-formed plan in his mind, but other than that he was flying by the seat of his pants with no seat belt. He tried to stop his limbs from trembling as he waited. After a moment, the door opened and there was Angel, looking deliciously rumpled from sleep with a smudge of charcoal under his cheek.

"Xander?" Angel asked, arching an eyebrow. Xander smiled as he felt a sort of warmth begin to trickle in through the icy numbness of the last few hours. Strange how so short a time could begin to feel like years. He reached up a hand and gently wiped the pencil mark from Angel's face. Angel grinned and stepped aside, motioning him in. Xander picked up his pack and headed in. It had been a few weeks since he'd been here, and he was pleasantly surprised to find the place clean, with no lingering smell of alcohol or tobacco like there used to be.

"It cleans up nice," he commented.

"Yeah – after Spike came over to clear his stuff out, I figured it was about time to clean it out. It's…weird, it being just me here." Angel stepped forward, his large hand falling gently on Xander's shoulder. "Xan…what's with the bag?" Xander turned, and Angel's large, dark eyes were full of concern as he took in the light bruise near Xander's eye.

"I…uh, talked to my parents," Xander said. He didn't elaborate. Angel's eyes darkened as his finger gently trailed over the bruise.

"What happened?"

"Nothing good," Xander said. He wrapped his arms around himself and nervously glanced around the apartment. It seemed bigger now that Spike and Drusilla were both gone, them and all their stuff.

"Spike told me what Drusilla did," Angel said. He stepped around so that Xander would have to look at him. "I'm so sorry, Xander; I didn't know that she would—"

"It was going to happen," Xander shrugged. Whether it was Drusilla or someone else or…well, it doesn't matter now. It happened."

"So, I guess your parents weren't exactly thrilled with the idea." Xander snorted out loud, startled into laughter at the blasé remark.

"You could say that," he muttered. "They want to send me to a camp this summer, before they ship me off to Liberty U."

"Jesus," Angel muttered. Xander shot him a reproachful look by reflex and Angel actually blushed. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Xander said. His fingers were fiddling with themselves nervously, and he clenched them together to stop them.

"Are you…running away?" Angel asked, surveying Xander's duffle.

"That was the general plan when I left," Xander nodded, trying to sound casual about the roaring sensation of fear at the thought of what he was about to do. "I've got some money saved up; it should be enough to get me wherever I land."

"So you have no idea where you're going," Angel stated.

"No," Xander sighed. "I just…gotta get out of here."

"And what about Willow, and Tara and Buffy?" Angel asked. Xander heard the trembling in his voice and heard the unspoken What about me? that Angel wouldn't give voice to.

"Angel…I love my friends. They're like my family, really they are. But I can't stay here just for them. I don't have a life here, in this miserable little town with all its miserable little people who don't…who can't…God, I hate this place!" Xander felt a rush of anger, suddenly, at the world, or at least as much of it as he knew. Sunnydale was all that he'd known, really – stifled.

"Xander, it's okay," Angel said softly. He took Xander's hand in his own, but he didn't say anything else. Xander exploded.

"It's too fucking much, being like this, like a freak in this stifling little town where everyone wants me to be this perfect picture of the golden boy! I hate it here; god, I hate that school and all the kids in it and the way that they…my father, he just can't…I can't…I hate this place and I hate everyone in it, damn it!"

Somehow he'd ended up folded in Angel's arms like he was being anchored to earth, and he just shuddered, feeling some of the massive bitterness start to seep out. Xander felt ashamed. "I'm sorry," he said lamely, not meeting Angel's eyes. He stepped out of the embrace, picking at his fingers.

"It's okay, Xan," Angel insisted. "You have more right than anyone to be angry."

"But that's not why I'm here," Xander insisted. "I came to…God, it's so stupid." Xander's cheeks flamed and Angel stared at him curiously.

"Look, I'm leaving," Xander started over. "I guess you figured that out. But before I go…there was something…Angel, what I feel for you I don't even think I can understand, much less spell into words. So I…what I want…Iwantyoutomakelovetome," he finished in a rush.

"What?" Angel asked, taken aback. "What did you just say?"

"Angel…I want you to make love to me," Xander repeated, a little louder, trying to slow down, to take a breath and keep calm. Angel's eyes widened comically, and Xander felt an urge to begin to laugh hysterically.

"Xander…" Angel began. He glanced around, everywhere but at Xander, and ran his hands through his hair. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why not?" Xander asked. There was a sliver of hurt running through the sheer nerves that seemed to have taken over the butterflies in his stomach. "Do you…do you not want—"

"No!" Angel said forcefully, looking him in the eye at last. "Xander, I want you. I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone in my life! It's just…you don't want it. Not like this."

"What do you mean?" Xander demanded. He took a step forward, but Angel didn't step back. He just met his gaze head-on. "I know what I want. I just…I need this, with you. I need you to be…" He broke off, breaking the stare. He couldn't handle the gentle understanding in Angel's eyes. He'd just wanted this so much, wanted…he couldn't even explain it.

"I know what you're feeling, Xander," Angel said gently. "But I'm not going to be your goodbye fuck." The crude words made Xander flinch, and Angel's hands held his shoulders, trapping him in place. "I felt like this, with Darla. But take it from me—sex doesn't make you a man. It doesn't make you grow up, it doesn't teach you anything. When I was…like this. What I wanted…it hurt. And I didn't feel any different, I just felt more open and scared than before. I'll never do that to you, or anyone else.

"I don't want to fuck you, Xander," he continued, moving closer, brushing his lips over Xander's forehead. "I want to make love to you. I want us to be together when we're ready, when there's nothing else but the two of us."

"I just…I thought…" Xander buried his head in Angel's chest. He was so tired, confused, exhausted, finished. There was nothing but the safe circle of Angel's hold, nothing that he could cling to but Angel's love.

"Come here, love," Angel murmured. Conquered, Xander allowed himself to be led back to the bedroom where so much badness had begun, where everything had fallen apart. Now, however, the red sheets were gone. There was art everywhere, and yes, there was Darla and Drusilla and Spike, and even Xander himself, a portrait that was half-finished.

"Angel…" Angel kissed the words away, kissed the worry and the hurt away. Xander trembled at the warmth of the kiss – not the heat of lust or the bitterness of anger, but just warmth, tickling through his senses and erasing so much of that awful, awful day.

They fell into the bed together, wrapped in each other, every point of their bodies touching each other, but fully clothed, fully chaste. Angel's lips rested against Xander's forehead and Xander kissed his love into Angel's skin. Angel was right, he thought drowsily in the candlelight as they slept together.

***

We were sitting 'round a dying fire

Somebody lit incense

Somebody lit a cigarette

And passed the bottle around

It was just strawberry season

Backbreaking pickers in the patches

Everything's burning down to ashes

And down to the ground

When Xander woke up it was still dark outside. He checked the little clock by Angel's bed and it ticked to 5:30. Xander smiled gently at the ticking; of course, Angel was so old-fashioned that he wouldn't have a digital clock in the place. Turning, he saw Angel stretched out next to him, still fully-clothed, his strong arms wrapped around Xander's waist. In slumber, there was a peace, a childlike innocence to him that he'd lost in the waking world.

Thinking of last night, Xander gently placed his lips to Angel's broad forehead. I want to make love to you, he'd said. Xander didn't think he'd ever woken up feeling so contented, so safe and warm and loved. He felt washed in Angel's love, like he could climb a mountain and shout to the hilltops that he belonged to Angel and Angel belonged to him. How could he leave this behind?

But what was there for him here, other than Angel? He thought of the TV shows and books that Buffy and Cordelia (and Willow, not that she'd ever admit it) liked to read, how the hero or heroine gave up their entire lives for their love. It made the girls sigh, and it was a nice idea on paper, but Xander knew already that that couldn't be him. There was just too much life to live outside of Sunnydale. He wouldn't stay, not just for Angel.

He had a thought of what Angel would think of it. Would Angel move on? Find someone else? Would it be Buffy again? Xander felt a blade of jealousy and sorrow stab through him at the thought. But that would be the risk. He couldn't stay, and if he couldn't stay, he couldn't lay claim to Angel's heart. He turned his eyes away from Angel and found them falling on the portrait of Darla's grave that he'd seen before.

"I felt like this, with Darla. But take it from me—sex doesn't make you a man. It doesn't make you grow up, it doesn't teach you anything. It just makes you more open and scared than before," Angel had said. There had been such a wealth of pain in his eyes at the thought. Did he regret not making love to Angel, giving in to Angel's request that they wait? If this was the last chance he'd get, then maybe he would, somewhere down the line. But he couldn't regret this last night, or the choice to not do it. Instead of sex, he'd shared something better, inexplicably, with Angel.

As if sensing eyes on him, Angel's eyes opened, still dreamy with sleep. He smiled at seeing Xander in his arms, that sleepy innocence still lingering around his handsome face as he drowsily tightened his arms around Xander's form. Xander closed his eyes and allowed himself to just enjoy the simple hug for a moment.

"Do you know where you're going yet?" Angel asked softly, breaking the silence.

"I have an idea of somewhere I'd like to go," Xander answered, squeezing Angel's larger hand in his. He was surprised to find Angel trembling slightly. It dawned on him that through everything, he'd become accustomed to Angel being the strong one, that he, Xander, had needed to be taken care of. Now, though, it was going both ways. He rested his lips on Angel's forehead, trying to convey strength through his touch.

"I don't want you to leave," Angel muttered.

"I have to, though," Xander said softly. "I love you, more than anything, I know that now. And Buffy, and Willow and Tara and Cordy…but that's all there is. I can't stay here, not near my parents or this stupid, stifling little town. I've gotta get out and live while I can."

"I know that," Angel said. "I felt the same way, when I left Galway. I'm just selfish. I wish you could stay here with me."

"I wish that I could take you with me," Xander returned with a challenging grin.

"I can't just leave," Angel said with a sad smile. "I've gotta finish what I started here – the therapy, the college. I've got some job offers for my stuff."

"Good," Xander said. Angel's arms tightened imperceptibly around Xander's form, and then he was letting go, as if it had been rehearsed. Xander stretched the kinks out of his back as he stood up on stiff legs. His eyes fell on the sketch of himself he'd seen last night.

"It's not done yet," Angel said from behind him.

"I'll have to see it when it is," Xander said softly. "Do you think this is forever?"

"No," Angel said firmly. "We'll find each other."

The sky pours out Biblical rain

Then days so still the beauty gives you pain

The heat wave kills the green

Then she remains unseen

But colors up my dreams with all things blooming

This is not all there is

It's not a kingdom

It's not an angry God

It feels like her

She's saving me

I'm a very lost soul

I was born with a hole in my heart

As wide as my landlocked travels.

Songs used in this chapter:

Running Up That Hill by Placebo (Bones [Original Television Soundtrack])

She's Saving Me by Indigo Girls (Become You)

Note of interest – for some strange reason, I was listening to "No Man's Woman" by Sinéad O'Connor throughout much of this chapter, though it's not part of the soundtrack. Just throwin' that out there!

Once again, I'm SO sorry for keeping you waiting like this, but I should hopefully not be doing that anymore. Eek!