Anders recovery had gone well and despite the occasional discomfort he had felt able to return to training. Lyra had refused to let him join them on patrol despite his protests. She raised an eyebrow as Anders demanded yet again to be allowed to accompany them. "For Makers sake Anders! You have only just recovered and despite your statements to the contrary you are still weak."
Anders sank onto the bench and scowled. "I'm perfectly capable of killing Darkspawn."
Lyra settled next to him a smile teasing her lips. "Would you really prefer to face Darkspawn than be in the same building as Fenris?"
Anders sighed and reluctantly met her gaze. "Maybe."
A soft chuckle left Lyra's lips and she nudged him gently. "You should try talking to him again Anders, he's actually very likeable."
Anders scowl deepened. "Well you cleanse his bloody brands if you like him so much."
"I know this is hard for you Anders, but avoiding Fenris … it's not helpful to either of you."
"What would you suggest?"
"Join us tonight for Wicked Grace; it will be fun I promise."
"You expect me to spend a whole evening with him!"
"With us all. You can sit next to me, I'll protect you." She laughed at Anders scowl. "You know as your Commander I could order you to be there." She teased.
Anders rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll be there."
Lyra patted his back and then pressed a soft kiss to his cheek surprising him. "I meant what I said Anders. I'll protect you."
Anders watched her leave the room; raking his fingers through his hair in agitation. Protecting someone was never so simple.
xXx
Oghren gave a bellowing laugh as Sigrun finished her tale of an escapade in the Deep Roads. "I knew you Legion of the Dead got up to some mad shit, but that beats it all!"
Sigrun grinned and shrugged dismissively. "Just a day in the life of the Legion."
Nathaniel shook his head. "I think you are teasing us." He smirked as Sigrun gave him her most innocent face.
"Nate I would never tease to you!" She gave a flirtatious grin. "Well maybe a little."
With a chuckle Nathaniel took another card.
Lyra took another gulp of the foul liquid Oghren had demanded they drink for the first round of the evening, Justice the only one abstaining. "Damn Oghren this tastes worse than that vile sludge you concocted last week."
"Gets you good and drunk." Oghren chuckled banging his mug on the table. "Might help get rid of all this tension that's been making my teeth ache." He caught Anders glare. "Calm down Sparkle Fingers and take a bloody drink."
Rolling his eyes Anders downed the mug and slammed it on the table trying very hard not to bring it back up. "Andraste's arse that's foul!"
"Damn even I can't take it in one go." Oghren muttered admiringly.
Anders reached for the bottle of whisky Nathaniel had brought to the table and drank two shots in quick succession desperate to get the taste out of his mouth.
Lyra smirked as she collected her winnings and dealt them all into a new game. She watched the table carefully; relieved as Anders relaxed almost to his usual self and though Fenris was still a little unsure of himself, he was certainly beginning to appear less tense.
By the time the evening drew to a close; Oghren was slumped across the table mumbling about nugs, Nathaniel was supporting Sigrun up the stairs to her room, leaving Velanna talking quietly to Fenris and Justice continuing to verbalise to Lyra and Anders his recent obsession regarding mage freedom.
"Enough Justice; Makers breath this was supposed to be a light hearted night, we can save the world tomorrow." Lyra muttered.
Justice bowed stiffly and left the room, Oghren stumbling after him demanding his pants.
Lyra glanced up startled as Velanna and Fenris left the hall together glancing to Anders who was trying his best to appear that he hadn't noticed.
"I think I'm going to head to bed." He murmured putting the mugs onto the tray and passing her the deck.
"Anders …"
He smiled and kissed her cheek. "Stop worrying so much. I'm just tired."
Lyra nodded feeling a rush of relief as Fenris passed the hall moments later heading for the stairs.
xXx
Anders managed to get halfway up the stairs before his legs refused to go any further and he slumped onto the stone step, resting his cheek on the wall and closing his eyes deciding this was as good a place to sleep as any other. Moments later he felt the sensation of being lifted up; but his eyes refused to open. He tried to focus on whoever was carrying him, lulled by a strong heartbeat and steady step. He heard the door open and then the softness of his bed feeling blankets being tugged over him. Forcing his eyes to open he caught a blurred image before the door was quietly closed. Anders turned over and buried his face in the pillow as the white haired elf followed him into his dreams.
xXx
Fenris leaned against the wall outside of Anders room and sighed. He had kept his distance as Anders had requested, but it was becoming harder to stay away. Holding him in his arms again had felt like coming home and it tore open his heart and left him feeling fragmented. He pressed his hand to the door swallowing painfully. Anders please stop pushing me away. He forced himself to move away from the door and return to his own room; sinking onto the edge of the bed staring at the markings on his hands. He had allowed himself to be mutilated for the freedom of his family and he couldn't even remember them. It was a cruel torment.
xXx
After the evening of Wicked Grace and Anders night of disturbing dreams he had decided he was well enough to attempt to cleanse the brands. He would do what he could for Fenris and then with luck the elven warrior would leave. He was so tired of the conflict of emotions and exhausted by his own fear; but he knew he needed time to prepare, rushing straight into it would only get them both hurt.
He spent three days deep in meditation only stopping to eat. He spoke to no-one and didn't leave his room having arranged that food would be left outside of the door. Everyone took his request not to disturb him seriously. He wandered the Fade with Compassion knowing he had to cleanse himself as much as possible of his negative feelings towards Fenris if he was to stand any chance of cleansing the brands. As dawn light spilled into the room on the fourth day Anders rose; bathed, dressed in tunic and trousers and slipped down to the practice yard working his muscles, feeling a strange comfort in their burn, falling unconsciously into the rhythm Fenris had taught him.
Lyra stood at the Keeps doors watching Anders startled by the grace and fluidity of his moves, noting his style was familiar to that of Fenris. She glanced to Nathaniel who moved to her side giving a sad smile. "You know despite the pain, I think Fenris coming here was a good thing. Anders has opened up to us all a little more and maybe this will help him heal."
"I hope so. I worry though; the way Fenris looks at him ... there are strong feelings there."
Lyra pushed away from the wall. "One step at a time Nate."
xXx
Fenris glanced to Anders as he entered the room just off the Great Hall; feeling anxiety and excitement in equal measure. Lyra had suggested this room for privacy as well as not wishing Fenris's room to become associated with any unpleasantness or pain. He watched Anders move around the room laying down glyphs, feeling the ripple of his magic. Lyra and Nathaniel were also present and he knew the other Wardens remained in the Great Hall in case they were needed.
Anders looked at Fenris uneasily. "Would you prefer to sit or lie down, I can work either way."
"Perhaps lying down would be more comfortable, you said this could take some time."
Anders nodded trying not to remember the nights when they had lain in bed together, Leto softly snoring as he worked the magic into his body. "We should get blankets so you're comfortable."
Lyra moved forward with the blankets and pillow she had brought just in case.
Fenris smiled gratefully and lay down making himself comfortable watching as Anders knelt beside him. "Will there be pain?"
Anders met his steady gaze. "Danarius's magic may fight with mine; but I will try to keep any discomfort to a minimum. I will strengthen the magic I laid within you first so that my attempt to cleanse the brands will have a better chance of succeeding."
Fenris nodded taking a few moments to steel himself for what lay ahead.
Closing his eyes Anders took a calming breath before he stretched out his hands above Fenris, trying to still his trembling. He felt with some amazement his own magic within Fenris; but as he suspected it was bound tightly to Danarius's seals, the magics intertwining through the brands. Anders glanced to Fenris who was watching him. "Are you sure about this?"
"I am sure."
Anders focused on being a healer, Fenris just another person who needed help and he opened himself to the Fade feeling Compassion move to him. He allowed his magic to drift slowly over the brands testing them.
Fenris gave a gasp of surprise as an image flashed in his mind of being in the garden with a women he realised was his mother. She was worried about him; he had been hurt during training. He tried to commit her image to memory, before he risked opening his eyes and glanced to Anders. The mage was lost in the magic; his eyes closed, his breathing calm, his hands emitting a soft blue glow. Fenris slowly closed his eyes once more, biting down on his lip as the image of a young red haired girl clung to him fearful of her magic and knowing they had to hide it from their Master. "Varania." He gasped. How could I forget my own sister? His hands clutched the blanket as images were replaced with those of Thalis and their forbidden time. He cried out in alarm as he plunged his sword into his former lover's chest at Danarius's command. His eyes flared open startled to realise Anders was cupping his cheek talking soothingly to him; his magic tenderly caressing him, helping him to calm.
"Fenris …"
"Keep going." Fenris gasped.
Anders nodded; removing his hand and returning to the seals. He was as gentle as he could be; but with each seal he strengthened, Fenris would re-live a brief moment of his life, his mumbles or sharp movements giving some indication of what those memories were. Anders tried not to think of Leto, but the seals he had laid were done so with the power of the love he had felt for him and it rushed over him in waves he could barely stand. He strengthened his magic in the last seal keeping himself composed long enough to mutter he needed a moment before attempting to cleanse them and hurried from the room.
Nathaniel remained with Fenris helping him to sit up and giving him a sweet honey tasting drink Anders had prepared for him.
Lyra moved after Anders finding him in the garden on his knees hugging himself. "Anders?" She sank beside him and pulled him gently into her embrace.
"It's too much." He whispered at last. "Everything I was went into laying those seals, all the love I felt for him. Feeling it all again I … it's too much."
"You can stop, you have a choice."
Anders shuddered before taking a gulping breath. "The sooner I cleanse the brands the sooner he will leave."
Lyra glanced to him startled. "I thought …"
"What that we would fall into each other's arms and all would be forgiven?" He spat.
"Anders!"
"No!" He snarled lurching to his feet. "All this is doing is reminding me of what I have lost. I've lost everything Lyra, everything! My family; my home, everyone I have ever cared for! I don't want to feel, I don't want to care and I never want to love again!"
Lyra swallowed painfully as she watched Anders; his chest heaving, his cheeks flushed with anger and grief. "Anders …"
"Don't!" He snapped moving away from her. "You need to stay away from me for your own sake."
Lyra grabbed his arm, giving him the look that had made tough mercenaries tremble and one argumentative Qunari think twice about second guessing her leadership. "I know you've lost a lot, but whether you like it or not Anders the Wardens are your family! We are your family! We care about you; damn it, so you better get used to me being in your life. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you; but you can't stop feeling, you're not a golem for Makers sake!"
"Everything I love dies or is taken from me Lyra!" Anders gasped. "My sister, my mom they are dead because of me! Rascal was almost killed trying to protect me. Regior had to fake his own death just to escape because of me! I'm a curse Lyra!" He gasped in alarm as Lyra forced him back against the fountain, sitting abruptly on the stone ridge as she roughly cupped his cheeks forcing him to look at her.
"You are not a curse! You are a kind; caring, wonderful man who I have the great fortune to consider a friend." She pressed her forehead to Anders feeling his tremble. "Tell me what I can do to make this easier for you." Her eyes filled with tears as she heard his wretched sob, his arms wrapping around her waist as he buried his face in the material of her robe.
"I loved him so much Lyra. It hurts just being near him."
Lyra gently stroked his back, resting her cheek on the top of his head. "You will get through this Anders and I will be right by your side. Maybe finishing this will help it hurt less."
They remained embracing in silence for several more minutes before Anders released his hold and wiped his cheeks running his fingers through his hair. "Let's finish it then."
xXx
Fenris gave a sharp gasp; experiencing the moment when he realised his feelings for Rhett, his body trembling as he felt again their first kiss and the horror of the mages subsequent anger. He felt his breath quicken at the memories of their stolen moments, the nights they spent in each other's arms. "Rhett." He whimpered.
Anders glanced to him, wincing at the longing in his voice. He froze as green eyes clouded with confusion and pain locked on him.
"Forgive me; I could not bear the thought of being without you. I could not let you go."
The lump in his throat swelled and Anders struggled to breathe. "That is in the past Fenris; try to relax and keep breathing, we are almost there." He trembled at the despairing look in the warriors eyes, forcing himself to close his eyes and concentrate. He shuddered as one of Danarius's blood magic seals seemed to rise up as he sought to cleanse it. He was once more in the room, the smell of blood and lyrium choking him. Gritting his teeth he felt Compassion wrap around him and then Danarius was standing in front of him. He lurched backwards startled to see Lyra gripping his arms telling him to breathe. He glanced to Fenris who was shivering violently, Nathaniel wrapping a blanket around him. Pulling away from Lyra he moved to Fenris soothing the last jarring remnants of the brands. He knew by the pain in Fenris's expression that he had remembered the full brutality of the ritual. "You need to rest."
Fenris nodded; shock rendering him speechless, pulling the blanket tightly around him as though it would shield him from the memories of what had been done to him. He allowed Nathaniel to help him stand, leaning on him as they left the room.
Lyra turned to Anders. "What happened; to you I mean?"
"I was in that room again, when Leto … Fenris was undergoing the ritual. I saw Danarius." He shuddered. "Maker that man terrifies me."
Lyra wrapped her arm around his waist. "Let's have a drink."
Anders glanced to her and gave a weary smile. "Alcohol, really? I need sleep Lyra; I'm exhausted."
"Oghren made a batch of his own brew especially."
Anders winced. "Andraste preserve me that is reason enough to hide in my room for the rest of the week."
Lyra chuckled softly. "One drink."
Anders gently cupped her cheek realising she was afraid to leave him alone. "You don't need to worry about me."
"If you leave I will never forgive you." She whispered.
With a warm smile Anders pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You're stuck with me Commander, for better or worse. Come on then; let's see what foulness Oghren has cooked up, the last batch tasted like dirt."
"Yeh; about that …"
Anders held up his hands. "Sometimes ignorance is bliss."
xXx
Fenris closed his eyes; his hands clutching the blankets as he was assaulted by memories. There was no order to them; one minute he was with his mother in a garden, the next he was bathed in blood feeling triumph at his victory, or desperation at the atrocities he had committed under Danarius's orders. When he finally slept his dreams held no comfort; darkness seemed to wrap around him, strangling him. He woke up startled; his heart pounding fiercely, his hands trembling. "I am more than a weapon." He whispered. Stripping off his clothing Fenris took time cleansing his body, shaking hands drifting over the brands startled to realise the physical discomfort and often pain that resided in them was absent. He glanced to himself in the mirror and ignited the brands feeling the power course through his body. For the first time he saw a terrible beauty in the markings. His heart pounded fiercely as he closed his eyes feeling Rhett's touch, the touch he knew he could not live without. Despite it being barely after midnight he dressed quickly and moved swiftly to Anders room knocking softly but impatiently. His breath caught as Anders finally answered the door; his hair tousled, his hand drifting to his mouth to stifle a yawn.
"Fenris …" Anders rubbed his eyes trying to clear his head. "What is it? Are you in pain?"
"Yes."
Anders frowned and moved back motioning for the elf to enter, closing the door behind him and gesturing to a seat. "What hurts?" He gave a gasp of surprise as Fenris pressed him against the wall.
"My heart." Fenris whispered. "I remember it all; every kiss, every touch, every moment that you chipped away at my barriers. I remember barely being able to stand it when you joined Hadriana in her bed. I remember Danarius's touch and desperately wishing it was you. I remember how helpless I felt when you were attacked and how proud I was of your resilience. I remember how frustrating and annoying and wonderful you were. I remember it all." He ran his fingers slowly down Anders jaw, his voice trembling. "You called yourself Anders, why would you do that if I meant nothing to you?"
Anders felt his world shrink to green eyes and soft lips and the moan that escaped him as Fenris kissed him expressed an ache deep within him. "I needed to keep something of you." He whispered. Anders tried to think clearly; but the haze of desire and longing and alcohol was sweeping him up. He found himself on the bed; offering no resistance as Fenris's lips became demanding. One moment; just one to pretend these past years had just been a terrible figment of his imagination, that Rhett and Leto still had a chance.
Fenris forced himself to stop, to be still despite the need that swelled within him. Anders was intoxicated, he knew that was the only reason he was allowing this. He cupped the mages cheek desperate to convey the love he felt through a simple look.
Anders trembled as reality slammed against him and he pulled away moving to the window. He glanced to the elf now kneeling on the bed and shook his head. "Do not look to me for love Fenris, I have none to give."
Slipping from the bed Fenris moved to him until they were barely inches apart. "I understand it will take time for you to trust me …" He hesitated as Anders shook his head; seeing the hazel eyes harden. Fenris backed away grief welling within him. "I never meant to hurt you."
Anders clenched his jaw forcing back the tears that threatened to spill. "I know; you wanted to survive and you did. I hope it was worth it."
Fenris closed his eyes as he reached the door, hesitating only a moment. "I should have let you go, I should have never forced you to stay."
The moment Fenris left the room Anders sank to the floor clutching his chest as pain engulfed him, wretched sobs muffled as he jammed his fist in his mouth. He had no idea how long he sat there; but dawn light was spilling into the room before he moved. He winced as his cold and aching muscles protested as he rose. He stared at his reflection in the mirror; at the man he had become. He trembled seeing his father in his features. "You should have killed me." He whispered. Shaking his head he washed, dressed and prepared himself to go through the motions of the day. He glanced in the mirror again. "Is today the day a darkspawn gets lucky?"
"It better not be!"
Anders turned startled almost falling over in his alarm. "Lyra!" He growled.
Lyra pushed away from the door frame and folded her arms. "I came to see how you were feeling, when you didn't answer …"
Anders rolled his eyes. "I told you I wasn't leaving."
"Well I just needed to make sure." Lyra muttered.
"I'm fine Lyra; you don't need to fuss over me."
"You can't stop me."
Anders hesitated and then shook his head. "You're as stubborn as a bloody mule."
Lyra gently gripped his shoulder. "Commander's prerogative."
