Consequences Chapter 28
Kathryn woke up four days after her final confrontation with Chakotay. Tomorrow was her promotion party. Owen Paris would be doing the honors and it was to be one of the most prestigious Starfleet events since the end of the Dominion War. Kathryn stripped off her nightgown and examined herself in the mirror as she had six months ago when she woke up in sickbay. Her body was back in shape, but she was still in just as much turmoil as she had been on that terrible day. Methodically, she showered and dressed in a blouse and slacks, then styled her hair and made up her face. Satisfied with her neat appearance, she sat at her desk and worked at her computer. When she was finished, she transmitted her letter to her mother and her resignation to Admiral Paris, then left her quarters without a backward glance.
Perhaps it was cowardly to resign and leave without speaking to anyone, but she already knew she would be told that she didn't know her own mind or that she needed to go to Starfleet Medical to be evaluated. No, she certainly didn't know her own mind and it wasn't just because of Braxton. She had given every bit of herself to her crew and Voyager and now she needed to find what was left of her. As for Starfleet Medical—she was through with that. She had been there at least twice a week for the past six months and she was through with examinations and counseling.
What she wanted right now was her dog. She remembered now how much she had longed for Molly, especially when she was in sickbay recovering from assimilation. She stopped at the Night Owl Cafe and called Mark to tell him she would be by to pick up Molly. He gave her the security code and she decided to sit and savor a cup of hot coffee before she headed over. The morning's customers were mainly cadets and a few Starfleet officers. A long time ago she had been one of those cadets with her hair in a long braid down her back and an armful of padds. She had been full of hope then and hadn't known about Cardassians or torture or shuttle crashes on ice planets. Or the Delta Quadrant. Or Maquis captains. Or guilt.
She had expected Mark's house would be empty, but he was sitting on the front steps waiting for her and he insisted on fixing her breakfast. She sat at the kitchen table watching while Mark mixed waffle batter. An enormous orange cat appeared and plopped itself down in a patch of sunlight on the floor near Kathryn's feet.
"Well, hello there, Mr. Cat," she murmured. "I didn't know you had a cat, Mark. I'm surprised Molly puts up with him."
Mark laughed. "She doesn't, but Fred keeps her in her place."
"How long have you had him?"
"Oh, it's been five years now."
"Five years? That would have been..."
"Right after Starfleet declared you dead. I was angry with you and I knew you wouldn't want him, so I got him. Doesn't make much sense, does it?"
"Sure it does. It wasn't easy for you."
Mark brought the plates of food to the table and Kathryn ran her fork through the syrup, watching the patterns left by the tines.
"It wasn't easy for you either, Kath. I still feel so much guilt over not waiting for you. I should have known you were still alive. The hardest thing I ever did was write you that letter. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you."
Kathryn tried to swallow the lump in her throat.
"You didn't hurt me. I knew the chances were you had given me up for dead by then and I wanted you to be happy. It lessened my burden to know that you were all right. Karla is wonderful and Jenny is a delightful little girl. I'm truly happy for you."
Kathryn began cutting her waffle into small pieces. Her heart was pounding and the words she needed to say were sticking in her throat, but she had to do this. If she ever wanted to heal herself, she needed to start with Mark.
"What is it, Kath?"
"I—I fell in love with Chakotay."
"I know, honey, and I know he had a hard time accepting that while your memories were gone, but now you can build something together."
"No, you don't understand. I fell in love with him on Voyager, while I was still engaged to you. It was wrong. You thought I was dead, but I had no excuse. We were stranded on a planet together for three months early in the voyage and he was so kind and wonderful. I got to know him without the distractions of the ship and he was in love with me. The way he looked at me—well, I almost gave in. I almost—but the ship came back for us. I'm sorry. I wasn't physically unfaithful, but in my heart..."
"Have you been beating yourself up for that all these years? Oh, Kath, I would have understood. I do understand. I didn't want you to be alone, not if you had the opportunity to be with someone you loved."
"I couldn't have. It wasn't fair to you. Even though I knew it was likely you had given me up for dead, I couldn't take that step. And he was my first officer and he was my prisoner and he was my friend. It was impossible. It would have been so inappropriate. I needed him to be my first officer. I couldn't risk our command structure, not when our situation was so precarious. And it wouldn't have been right, not when I stranded the ship out there. How could I indulge myself when I had taken everyone else away from their loved ones?"
Mark had dropped his fork onto his plate and was regarding Kathryn with alarm.
"Kathryn, I don't know about the appropriateness of dating your first officer, but not indulging yourself—that sounds very unhealthy. You sound the way you did when I was trying to get you to date me. You thought you didn't deserve anyone's love ever again, even though Justin's death wasn't your fault."
"I know. But Mark, there was always the possibility that I would have to order him to his death. I couldn't love him, not when I might have to do that."
"But that's all behind you now. You're not on Voyager anymore and you have your memories back. There's no reason you can't have a relationship now."
"No! You don't understand. I was so cruel to him sometimes. I knew he loved me and sometimes I needed to bask in it because I was so lonely, but it drove me crazy because it was so wrong to feel that way about him. So I would push him away and eventually, he stopped being there for me. I threw it in his face the other day that he wasn't there for me when I needed him. I wanted to hurt him because of what he did in the other timeline. He gave up on me, he married Seven, but how can I blame him for that? You didn't wait for me and we were engaged, why should he have waited for me when I was always pushing him away and I never told him how I felt?"
Mark came around to Kathryn and pulled her into his arms. She sighed and let him hold her.
"You are worthy of love, Kathryn. You deserve to be loved. It would be a terrible shame to deny yourself love because of guilt. You deserve to be happy."
"No, I don't. Braxton was right about that."
"Oh, Kath."
Kathryn pulled away from him and stood up.
"I'm going to go now. Can you please help me gather up Molly's things? Which dog food have you been replicating?"
Mark slowly packed up Molly's bed, dishes, and blanket. He snapped on her leash, but held on to it.
"Where are you going, Kath? I'm worried about you."
"I don't know. Just somewhere where I don't have to be responsible for anyone."
"It's Jenny's birthday next week. We're going to have a little get-together on Sunday and we'd love it if you came."
"I don't know."
"Call me, at least. Let me know how you're doing. Please."
"Maybe I will. Thank you for taking good care of Molly."
She pried the leash out of Mark's hand and picked up the large bag containing Molly's belongings in the other. She stepped out into the sunlight. Molly's claws click-clacked along the sidewalk as she ran ahead of Kathryn. Where would they go? They could go anywhere at all, even the Gamma Quadrant, but where did Kathryn want to go? Somewhere where she could rest.
-TBC
