So much for wearing my kids out at the park!
When we get home I make quick snacks for them then bundle them into their beds for an early afternoon nap. It takes ages to get them to sleep. Lucas keeps babbling about the dog he saw. Leah can't stop going on about Paraic; saying he is funny and his accent is funny and she wants to learn to swing as high as him and when can she see him again.
I want to scream,
"Never!"
But I keep calm and ignore her. I flick through their favourite short story book. Normally Amy reads to them. I can read, right, but it all seems back to front; inside out. It takes me time. It's hard. Always has been. They called it dyslexia when I was in school. But this book is like a strong sedative to my children so I slowly and carefully read The Adventures of Mr. Bear and Pojo to them, character voices and everything.
Five repeats of the story later and I hear a soft snore. I look up to see them both fast asleep.
I smile as I close the book; partly because I managed to read without hesitating in the end and partly because my kids look so adorable lying there asleep.
I make my way to my bedroom where I expect Noah is waiting undressed and ready for action.
I take a deep breath. Here goes...
Before pushing the door, I get a vivid image of Brendan lying there waiting impatiently for me with those intense eyes staring right into my soul drawing me in. I shake my head as I feel my heart rate speed up.
Stupid Brendan.
Why did he have to be at the park? Seeing him again has brought him back into my thoughts ... more than he normally is. I was doing well, not thinking about him much. I was moving on.
I push the door open and frown. Noah isn't here.
"Noah!" I whisper loudly. I make my way to the living room.
"What are you doing here?" I say to his back as he stares out of a window. I grin and put on my best seductive voice, "Let's go to bed so we can, you know..."
He spins round, face like thunder as he glares at me.
"Are you sure it is me you wanted to 'you know' with." He mimics my voice.
"What?" I am shocked. What's brought this on?
"Come off it, Ste. I saw the way you were looking at each other in the park; you and Brendan."
"What?" I squeak. I feel a nervous sweat coming on. "I wasn't looking at him in anyway."
"He was stripping you down with his eyes!"
"That's not true!" I protest. "And keep your voice down! For one thing, this-" I indicate between us "-is a totally pointless conversation."
Noah scoffs. "Whatever."
I walk up to him. "Believe me; Brendan doesn't want anything to do with me. You are seeing things that aren't there."
"No Ste. I know what I saw."
He is right, of course; not about Bren but about me. I couldn't help drinking in every part of my ex as if my body was thirsty for him. I feel guilty.
But Brendan's feelings are completely different. He couldn't get away from me fast enough.
I hold Noah's hands in mine and softly say, "You saw him being cosy with his wife, playing happy families... acting straight. Let him stay in his closet, alone."
"I don't think that's what's going on-"
I place my finger on his lips, shutting him up. "Look, why are you letting Brendan come between me and you? Why can't we just forget about him and concentrate on us?"
I get onto my toes and give him a kiss.
He stares at me with wide frightened eyes. "I think you underestimate him, Ste."
"I don't. Even if he does want to get back with me, which he doesn't, he can't prise me away from you."
I kiss him again and run my hands over his chest.
I must make this relationship work.
It is healthy.
Noah is good for me. He is well liked, decent and out. Brendan isn't. He is still full of self hate, fighting demons from his past and anger management issues.
I must remember that when I get these waves of doubt about me and Noah like I am getting now.
"It's just you and me, Noah." I whisper while wrapping my hands around his neck. It takes a second before his arms go around my waist to draw me in.
"Yeah?" He asks uncertainly.
"Yeah." I try a smile and he smiles back.
"God! Brendan winds me up so much!" He says in frustration.
I feel his firm warm plains flex and relax against me. Comforting.
"Brendan who?" I ask.
His grin broadens. "Exactly!"
He suddenly scoops me up into his arms.
"Noah!" I hiss.
"What?" He carries me to the bedroom. "We've got to get the loving in before the kids wake up!" He growls.
I try and ignore the sting in my eyes and the stab in my chest caused by the conflict in my heart.
I like Noah.
I can forget Brendan.
-0-0-
"Morning, Tony." Noah and I say in unison as we walk into work the next day hand in hand.
"Morning." Tony replies. "Well, don't you two look every inch the happy couple?"
Noah grins. "You know how it is, boss, a team that plays together works together... and Ste and I know how to play together."
He raises an eyebrow to emphasise his point and I blush.
"Play? Oh! Oh!" Tony looks between the two of us. "Oh! Play! Yes well. Good. Um."
Noah laughs at his discomfort. "We were thinking about getting Emma to fit us in for a treatment later."
When he says 'we' he means him by the way. I would be happy if I never saw the inside of Emma's treatment room ever again after last time.
"But Emma specialises in waxing." Tony frowns.
"Yeah." Noah says.
"Are you getting your legs waxed?" Tony's frown deepens.
"No."
I go impossibly red when I take in Tony's expression. His jaw drops as he understands Noah's meaning.
This ... is ... embarrassing!
I should just tell Noah that I don't like, you know, being totally ... bare ... down under. It's weird. Actually, why am telling you? Forget that I told you, yeah? It is just what he likes and it is good to please your other half, right?
Tony looks so uncomfortable that I feel sorry for him.
Noah smiles and says light-heartedly, "So anyway, got to go. I've got a class in a minute. See you, Tone. See you later, handsome."
"Um yeah, see ya." I mumble.
He swishes off leaving Tony and me to look at each other awkwardly. I walk round behind the reception desk and busy myself doing nothing.
After a while I notice that Tony hasn't moved and is staring at me. I look up at him. "If you are put out by what Noah said, I'm sorry. He has boundary issues and-"
"I have some bad news, Ste." Tony mumbles and then clears his throat and rubs his forehead.
"What?" My mouth goes dry.
"It's about your job." He says. "Let's go to the office."
"Why?" I say rooted to the spot.
"Please." He looks around us at the bustling spa.
"Are you firing me?" I look at him incredulously.
"Calm down, Ste." He looks at the punters who are looking at us unashamedly.
"No! I am good at my job, Tony. I am the only one who properly gets the computer system. I have sold more new memberships than anyone else. I am polite. I don't fuss. I work late and extra shifts for you." I start pleading. "Please. I need this job!"
"Ste." He looks around us and laughs nervously. "Don't be daft. I'm not firing you. It is just that there is a small alteration to your pay."
I glare at him.
Oh.
"That's it?"
He nods carefully. "Come into the office."
I'm embarrassed... again.
"Oh. Okay."
-0-0-
I angrily storm out of Look Sharpe a few minutes later.
Fucking Tony!
'A small alteration to your pay.'
What a joke! He has slashed my pay to almost nothing! I tried to negotiate with him but he wouldn't budge on his pitiful offer.
My family can't exist on that. What am I going to do? Trying to find another job will be a nightmare with the job market being so shit. And yet I have mouths to feed, rent and bills to pay, and Leah is going to start pre-school soon. Yeah it's free but her uniform and crayons and stuff won't be.
Shit. Shit. Shit!
And I can't share this. Amy is flying in right now so she's unavailable. Noah is doing a class and also he won't get the pressures I am under since he is dependent-free. Chez is Bren's sister and she would tempt me with a job at Chez Chez and that is an absolute 'no'.
Who else?
I hesitate for only a second.
"Ste. Sorry, mate, but it's kind of a bad time." Pete says quietly. "I am in the middle of a meeting."
"Sorry, Pete. I didn't know who else to call and I don't know what to do-"
I am hyperventilating.
"Wait a second." I hear him making apologies to whoever he is with.
Why did I call him? He isn't even really my proper friend but he is a good guy. My only issue with him is that he is a little too optimistic when it comes to Brendan but then so was I... once.
"Is everything okay?" He asks when the background noise at his end is quieter.
I swallow my pride and then say, "I know this is out of the blue but do you have any jobs going at the school?"
There is a long pause and then he says, "Um, may I ask what's brought this on?"
"Tony has slashed my pay to just over minimum wage. He said that I have been overpaid for the last three months because of a clerical error and that I should count myself lucky because he is not asking me to return the money already paid but he can't afford to keep overpaying me."
"Shit."
"I wouldn't ask but I know that you were hiring a few months ago so..."
"All our vacancies have been filled, Ste."
"Oh."
"Yeah. I have an idea but I am not sure you'll like it. What about Chez Chez?" He asks quietly.
"No."
Simple. Emphatic. I am not getting myself in a position where I am near Brendan day in, day out. My self control can only go so far.
"Okay." He sounds disappointed. He knows my refusal is because of Bren. "I may be able to give Amy some extra responsibility and boost her pay check."
"Really?"
"I'm head teacher. I can do anything."
I grin. How can Peter and Bren be so chalk and cheese and yet be close friends the way that they are now; specially after what Bren did to him? Pete is a top bloke.
I end my conversation feeling a little better.
I stand in the courtyard and my stomach grumbles. As usual, I didn't eat breakfast and Noah was on my case about it. He is right, of course. I don't know why my appetite is so shit now-a-days. Maybe I should have something so I head to Relish and plonk myself into a seat.
"Chocolate milkshake please." I mutter to a uniform as I check for messages on my phone from Tony, hoping he has reconsidered, or from Amy saying she has arrived. There are none.
Minutes later a large glass of brown slushy stuff is thrown onto the table in front of me. Some of the contents spill and splash onto my uniform. My useless Look Sharpe uniform.
I look up.
"Rae!"
O.M.G. I did not need to bump into her on top of everything.
"God, I'm so sorry!" She gasps and starts cleaning up.
"It's okay." I say. "You still work here?"
"Part-time. I live in Chester with grandma though."
"Oh. Cool."
We look at each other not knowing what to say next.
"It's been a while since we spoke." She says.
"Yeah." Not since the break up three months ago.
"I've seen you out and about with that cute gym instructor from Look Sharpe."
It feels icky talking to her about Noah but, what the hell; she knows I am gay so I nod. "We are dating."
She closes her eyes for a second. "And Brendan's out now. Everyone is going gay."
"Yes. Weird."
"Not really." She says sharply. "Warren told me about you and Brendan."
"I, um..." What does she want me to say?
"I'm not getting at you, Ste. He is a loser of epic proportions and a predator. He was abusing his position as your boss to get his leg over." Bitterness creeps into her voice.
I can't have her think that. "He never forced me to do anything I didn't want."
She sighs and rubs her eyes.
"Anyway, it's okay." She says. "I've moved on. I'm with someone."
"Yeah?" I say.
"Yeah. He is a step up from my ex. He's straight for starters!" She smiles slightly.
"Funny!" I smile back. "I am happy for you."
She looks pensive then, "Can I ask you something?"
I shrug. "I guess."
"You and Bren. Did you ever hook up when we were going out?"
I swallow nervously and then nod. What's the point in lying now.
"He was the first guy you ever slept with, right?" She whispers.
"Yes. But I try not to talk about him much."
"Why?"
I sigh. "Because, in your words, he is a loser of epic proportions."
She smiles at me and pulls me into a tight hug.
"It's a shame you have only realised that now." She straightens up. "The 'shake is on the house, Ste."
-0-0-
I call Noah to tell him what happened; both the salary drama and seeing Rae.
'Fuck! She isn't going to come after me like some psycho ex and seek revenge for me being with her man, is she?' He joked.
'Don't flatter yourself!' I said laughing. 'She was actually pretty cool about it. She has a new bloke.'
'Really? Should I be on standby for when he comes out, too?'
'Don't you dare!'
He is patient with me when I moan and rant about my new cash flow problem and suggests an evening out to distract me.
So that is how we find ourselves at the SUBAR with the lads as evening turns into night. We are all nursing pints of lager. Riley spots a woman that is eyeing him up across the room and says,
"Is it just me or is the level of hottest through the roof tonight?"
"It ain't bad." Doug agrees as he scans the room. "I'm gonna get me some digits!"
"Yeah, you keep dreaming, mate!" Noah says.
"I will." Doug says and then grins. "After my pint!"
I take a look around.
"Any hot guys doing it for you, Ste?" Ethan winks. "Present company excluded?"
"Ste only has eyes for me." Noah says with a grin as he wraps one arm around my waist.
"Actually, I like the look of the bartender with the tattoo on his arm." I look up at Noah and give him my cheekiest grin.
"Fucker!" He mumbles and kisses me. I push him off when his hand tracks over my bum. Boundaries! Fucking hell!
"It's a bit noisy, innit, for a weekday?" I say pointlessly.
Noah nudges me. "Too much for you, granddad?"
"Having children ages you." I yawn.
"I am never having kids." Doug says.
Riley laughs. "And the world breathes a sigh of relief."
"I don't think life is complete without them." Ethan says.
"You won't regret it." I tell him. "They are so worth it."
"You stick to your kids. I'm going to ask that blond haired beauty with legs that won't quit whether she wants to practice making babies with me." Riley says.
"Such a gentlemen!" I laugh.
"I know." He replies. "I know."
He salutes us goodbye and beelines towards her.
Noah whispers, for my ears only, "How about we go home and practice, too?"
I push him off gently then whisper back. "Um yeah, if we weren't up against science and latex."
He frowns at my rejection.
"So like, how does it feel to be a dad, Ste?" Doug asks.
"Um. Yeah. Cool."I say. "Really cool. But it can be scary sometimes like when you feel like you can't protect them or provide for them the way you want to or when they ask awkward questions."
Ethan asks. "Like?"
"Like, Leah asked me why I give special kisses to Uncle Noah instead of mummy."
"Uncle Noah?" Ethan says with an eyebrow lifted.
"Don't ask." Noah mumbles uncomfortably.
Doug asks me, "What do you tell her."
"The truth. That mummies and daddies sometimes have special people in their lives and those special people gets special kisses."
"Maybe I could deal with one kid." Doug mumbles.
"Are we honestly having this conversation?" Noah asks us suddenly with an edge of impatience. "I thought I was hanging out with my mates and boyfriend. I didn't realise we were the panel of Loose Women. What are we going to talk about next? Tampons? Training bras?"
What's with him? It is not like him to have an outburst but it reminds me of little things regarding him and my kids that have grated on me and that I have ignored since we got together.
"Do you have a problem with kids?" Doug asks him.
"No." Noah says quickly and takes a sip out of his pint.
"Don't lie. Go on." I say
"Do you really want to do this here?" He asks.
Shit! He really doesn't like my children! I am not asking him to be their father but we can't go the distance unless he is prepared to be a part of their lives.
"I didn't realise you had a problem with Leah and Lucas but clearly I was wrong."
"That's crazy, Ste." Noah pleads.
"Is it?" I say to him. "I'll tell you what's crazy. I was feeling guilty because we couldn't get to know each other the way other people do. My kids can be a handful and it is tough trying to get private moments without little ones getting in the way. I tried my hardest to ease you in but I can't change them, Noah. I don't want to. They are my life so you are either going to have to get used to them or walk away."
"I like them, Ste. I just need more time to get used to the idea of being a sort of step-parent." He says as he rests his hands on my hips. "Can't you understand that?"
"Yeah." I tuck my fingers into the belt loops of his jeans. I am being unreasonable, right? "I guess."
He looks down at me and says, "You know I love you, right?"
I look at him. Yeah, he does, just like I love ... loved, Brendan. But one thing I have realised is that when it comes to being in a committed relationship, love is not enough.
"Yeah, me too." I say automatically.
"Good."
-0-0-
Amy is back! I listen to her gush about her holiday in Turkey over breakfast. It is all Lee this and Lee that. I barely manage to wedge in the fact that I am unemployed again. She takes it better than expected but then Ames was always one to take a practical approach to a problem. She trawls through the local paper and circles potential job opportunities while we sip on tea and eat toast and that is when I get an unexpected call.
"Hi Ste!" Chez says sounding very bubbly.
"Hi." Why is she calling me?
"I'll get straight to the point. I heard that you have quit your job at Look Sharpe and I figured their loss could be Chez Chez's gain. I want to offer you your old job back."
"How did you know I left?"
"Um, grapevine."
My heart stops when I think of what working at the club once involved other than the job itself; stolen kisses in the cellar, hasty fucks in the office, longing looks across the dance floor, whispered words when no one was looking ...
"No." I squeeze out. "I told you already. I am not coming back."
"I get it, Ste. Ye don't want to be near Brendan but he isn't the monster e have made him in yer head and I think ye will be surprised by how hard he is trying to ... improve."
"No." I repeat weakly. I am actually worried that I won't be able to breathe if I am so near him daily with all my raw emotions knowing that we can never be together. I think I would go insane.
"Ye don't have to be Brendan's buddy. We can work the rota so that ye two don't see that much of each other and I would give you a raise on what you were earning before."
My ears prick up and I actually consider it for a split second but then I think of Noah and Amy and the kids.
"Thanks, Chez, but no."
She sounds disappointed. "Okay, but call me if ye change yer mind."
-0-0-
So I send out job applications, chase up on job vacancy posters in windows, go down the Job Centre, go online. It is tiring and depressing but I manage to get some interviews, which is good.
-0-
"What experience do you have, Stephen?"
"I worked in the catering business for a year and then in a club as a bartender for 7 months and I have been a receptionist in a spa for 3 months. I am adaptable, dependable and organised."
"I can tell you are a keen learner and you are enthusiastic but you lack experience in our field. We would need you to hit the ground running. I am sorry."
-0-
"You were sentenced to six months in a juvenile correctional facility when you were fifteen."
"How do you know that? It shouldn't be on my record."
"It isn't. We have ways of finding out. Tell me what the crime was."
"Um. Okay. I stole a car and then got involved in an accident with it that injured a couple of people. I was in possession of some weed at the time. Look, if I could go back and undo what I did I would. I was a stupid and angry kid but now I am responsible. I have grown up. And my life since is proof of that. I have worked solidly. I haven't scrounged off the government. I am dedicated and quick at picking up new skills."
"Doesn't take away the crime though, does it?"
-0-
"What are your qualifications, Mr. Hay?"
"I, um, I have four GSCEs."
"Anything else?"
"Yeah, well, I did a catering course when I was working for a restaurant in Hollyoaks."
"And?"
"Um. No. That's it. Sorry."
"Not as sorry as we are. That is all, Mr. Hay."
-0-
I lie on my bed staring at the ceiling, desperate, tired and upset.
I am not employable. That much is obvious. I am competing against more qualified more intelligent and more experienced people. No one is ever going to offer me a job.
I feel silent tears stream down my cheeks.
There is one person and I am running out of options so I dial her number.
"Ste?"
"Um Chez, yeah, hi." My voice sounds broken. "About that job-"
"Please tell me that ye are coming back to the club otherwise I am going to reach my hand through the phone's receiver and wring yer neck." Chez says with nervous excitement.
"If it's still available." I say numbly.
How am I going to cope with Bren so near and Noah so far?
I just have to stay strong and remember that Noah is good for me and Brendan is bad.
Simple.
"Of course it is still available, silly! You won't regret this, Ste. When can ye start?"
"Straight away."
...
...
Loose Women is an English TV show equivalent to The View in the States.
Next ... our boys meet again but is it smiles or tears on the horizon?
