He smiled politely at the nurse as she gently pulled the door closed behind her and walked from the room. No change. The words seemed to mock him. The sigh came from deep within him and echoed throughout the silent room.
Billy held her hand in his as he stared at her, the burning in his eyes finally forcing him to blink. It was as if he thought if he looked at her long enough, he could somehow will her awake. This time, just like all the others, it didn't happen.
His eyes drifted away from her only for a moment, long enough to rest on the final letter—the one that stood out from all the rest, the one that sat grouped with one for Avery and Aly. In his heart, he knew what it was and he worried if, by opening it, he was somehow giving the words power—speaking it into existence—entertaining a thought so horrible….
The sound of Avery jerking in the chair startled him and he turned towards her, forcing a solemn smile.
"No change?" she whispered as she stood and walked slowly to stand beside him.
Billy cringed as he heard the all too familiar words again. "No," he said quietly as he brought his hand up to lightly trace the lines of Phyllis' face.
Avery nodded and glanced up at the clock, her eyes widening as she saw several hours had passed since she'd drifted off to sleep. "I didn't realize I slept so long." Her hand ran across her face.
"It's fine. You needed it." Billy spoke without ever taking his eyes off Phyllis.
"Hey." Avery placed a hand on his shoulder and waited for him to turn towards her. "You know you were standing right there when I went to sleep. You can't just do this, you know? You have to take care of yourself. She'd want you to take care of yourself."
"I am. I just…I need her to know that I'm here and I need her to feel it."
Avery nodded, hearing the slight tremble in his voice. "She knows," she whispered. "Why don't you go down to the cafeteria…just take a little break, get something to eat. I'll stay here with her."
"No." It was instantaneous, the thought of leaving her something he couldn't even entertain. "I can't. I can't leave her. I promised her that I'd be the first face she saw when she woke up and that's what I'm going to do."
"But Billy…"
"I said no, Avery!" He closed his eyes as he saw her flinch, her own eyes now glazing over in tears. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "Really…I know you're trying to help, but I can't leave her. I made her a promise. You can understand that, right?"
"Of course I can. How about a compromise—I need to go call the sitter and make sure she can pick up Aly from school. Maybe I go down to the cafeteria and get something for lunch and you promise to eat it?"
Billy smiled at her expression. "I see the stubborn streak runs in the family," he muttered, "Fine..Fine..I'll eat. I promise."
Avery grinned and patted him on the back before heading out the door.
"She's putting on a good show." Billy sat down gently on the edge of the bed, his eyes searching her body for any sign she heard him. "She's pretending she's not worried. She's much better at it than I am." He took a breath as he reached for her hand, bringing it up to his lips and kissing her fingertips softly and pressing her palm against his face. "I'm scared to death. They keep saying everything is okay and that sometimes these things just take time, but there's so much I need to say to you."
His eyes fell on the letter again. "You've said so much to me in these letters and now there's this…" He reached for the letter, holding it out to her. "There's a big part of me that doesn't want to read this, a part of me that's afraid to read this, but another part of me needs to know what's in here…"
The breath seemed to catch in his throat as he pulled the paper from the envelope his eyes scanning the page and stopping on the first few lines. His eyelids closed quickly, the hot tears already building—
He shook his head and willed his eyes to open, his thumb briskly brushing away the tear that fell on the page and quickly blurred the ink.
Dear Billy,
I hope you'll never have to read these words. If you are, it means I'm not here to say them to you anymore. I hope you found the other letters…the ones I wrote to you all those years ago. Please know that I thought of you often—even when you weren't here with us, you were always in my heart.
These last few months have been amazing. Watching you with Aly was the greatest gift I could have ever been given. She adores you and I know that she will bring you joy and peace through all of this. She did for me. I know how much you love her and I know, without a doubt, that you'll take care of her and put her first just as I would have.
I've stopped and started this letter so many times because this is where I always stop. I have no idea how to say goodbye to you. Not being with you was only bearable because I had Aly and because I truly believed you were happy in Genoa City, but now….knowing that I have to leave you…knowing that the time we had together was so short because of the decisions I made…..it makes me sick inside.
It's okay for you to be angry with me. I cheated you out of years with your daughter and, even though I've apologized, it will never be enough. There's something else though—I cheated us out of years that we could have spent together, years we could spent making memories that you'd have now. Even if you could forgive me for that—I don't know if I will ever forgive myself. Just know that every decision I made was made out of my love for you. I never stopped loving you and I never will.
All my love forever,
Phyllis
Billy let the letter fall to the floor as he stood to his feet and stood over the bed, his eyes staring down at her. He no longer cared about the tears that fell from his eyes or the trembling sound of his voice. None of that mattered. He searched the side of the bed, his hands finding her hands and weaving his fingers through hers. "You don't get to do that," he managed, his breath uneven as he forced the words from his mouth. "You don't to write me off with some kind of goodbye letter and then just slip away like this. You say I have a right to be angry? I'm not angry because of what you've done, but I will be because of what you're doing now. If you don't fight for us, for Aly, for what we could be….If you don't fight like I know you can to come back to me…."
For a moment he thought he was imagining it—that it was simply his mind playing a trick on him…the result of a lack of sleep and sheer desire but, as he stared down at her fingertips in his, he saw the slight movement yet again. "Phyllis," he breathed, his heart pounding in his chest as he released one hand and cupped the other in both of his. "Phyllis, can you hear me?"
He shook his head, refusing to believe that this had been a fluke. She'd heard him. He knew she had. "Phyllis," he repeated, the desperation screaming in his voice. "Please….please…just do something, anything…just let me know you're here…let me know you're with me. I just need to know that you're going to be okay." Billy stood completely still, willing her to squeeze his hand, to flinch to do something, but instead the stillness took over the room once again. He drew in a breath, feeling as if his heart might literally break as he lay his head very gently down on her chest, the sound of her heartbeat a small source of comfort.
"I'll stay here, Phyllis," he whispered, "For as long as it takes. I promised I'd be here when you woke up and I meant it….I'll be here. I'd wait forever on you." Her heartbeat drummed peacefully in her chest as he closed his eyes.
"Billy?"
He stilled, waiting a moment to move, wondering if he could have drifted off to sleep—if the words could be a part of some wonderful dream. His head lifted from her chest, his body slowly sitting up. Tears instantly fell down his cheeks as his eyes locked with hers—now open and shining at him.
It took all the restraint he had not to fall on top of her, the relief nearly overtaking him. Instead he cupped her face in his hands, the smile almost painful as he looked at her. "You're back," he whispered, pressing a kiss on her cheek as he pulled back. "Thank God you're back. I need to get the doctor in here…I'll be right back, okay?"
Her hand tightened around his as he stood and he stopped, his eyes falling back on hers. "What? What's the matter?"
"Just wait," she whispered. "I need to tell you..I want you to know."
Billy shook his head, pressing his fingertips to her lips. "It's okay," he said softly. "You don't have to explain anything to me right now. We can talk about all that later. I just need to get the doctors to come in here and take a look at you."
"They don't need to. I know…I know what they'll say."
"What do you mean? You're back now. It's all going to be okay now."
"No," she whispered. "No it won't."
