Disclaimer: I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.
I may regret posting this chapter when I'm half asleep, but oh well.
Before I forget! People keep asking me if Rich is gay. No, he is not. He's unattached, but he's not gay.
Something I need to say. I have to remind you that only one man can win James' heart in the end, which means that not everyone will be pleased. You all ship different pairings and have your favorite, and having watched the show enough myself I understand your frustrations when your chosen contestant is eliminated or another contestant seems to receive more attention from the Bachelor. But we're getting down to the wire here and decisions have to be made, decisions that are extremely hard for James. He doesn't want to send anyone home at this point, but he has to follow his heart, guys. And I wish I could please everyone, but I can't. If you get upset at any point in this story and decide not to read anymore, I understand and thank you for giving me as much of your time as you have. I also remind you AGAIN that nothing is set in stone until the final proposal, and anything can happen between now and then.
Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys. Still makes me smile and laugh and flail when I read them. I love you guys so much for reading this and sticking with it.
I dedicate this to kathrynew30 because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank Aranelle for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.
Kendall was the first to arrive at the mansion. He was shown to a room of his own, nervous over things he couldn't put into words. After getting settled in for what might not even be an overnight visit, he grabbed a bottle of water and staked out the living room, fingers tapping the arm of the love seat in an unsteady rhythm.
Sunlight poured in when the front door opened twenty minutes later, and he didn't have to look up to know who it was. Still he couldn't bring himself to rise from the chair, and when Carlos continued up the stairs without saying a word or even acknowledging him, he stood up and went out to the pool area, the nerves back in full force. Since when was he nervous around Carlos?
Kendall stared down at the water, memories of horseplay with Carlos coming back to haunt him, and he knew they would remain that from this point on—memories and nothing more. It was entirely possible that James would choose Logan as his husband when this was over, but that didn't change the fact that Carlos wasn't in love with him. Carlos was in love with James, as he was supposed to be, and why Kendall was even here at this point was a mystery to himself, except that he too loved James. That was what made this all so hard, so many conflicting emotions running through him, and when he thought of James' kisses and hugs his heart warmed. He couldn't deny that he had feelings for James; the problem was that he could no longer deny that he also had feelings for Carlos.
What a fucked-up mess.
"Kendall?"
Kendall closed his eyes at the voice, stomach heaving for a moment before he got control of it and spun around with a bright smile. "Carlos, hey! How you doing?"
"Good, it was weird being home but it's almost weirder to be back here. Anyone else here yet?"
"No, just you and me so far. Chris said Ryan won't be in until an hour or so before the ceremony, his flight was delayed, but that Logan's due soon."
"Oh, cool. How was your week?"
"Pretty good. Got to visit with Mom and Katie, they miss me."
Carlos nodded. "Yeah, Chachi was pissed when I left. He knows what the suitcases mean now."
A genuine smile graced Kendall's lips. "James told me he got to meet Chachi."
"Yeah? What did he say?"
"Not much else, but it seemed like he loved the dog."
"It's kind of hard not to. Chachi's irresistible."
"Yeah," Kendall said softly, blinking before walking past Carlos and toward the house. "Want a beer or something?"
"Yeah, that would be great. Thanks."
Kendall hated the awkwardness between them. He wished he could take back that kiss, take back every second of the night that had changed everything between them; rather than the peaceful sleep he'd found with Carlos for those few wonderful weeks, he now laid awake in bed every night for hours before exhaustion forced his brain to shut down.
James. Focus on James. Focus on Carlos' happiness with James, because even if he loses, he'll still be in love with James. He's okay with not seeing you anymore when this is over, he made that clear.
Kendall was stepping into the kitchen when he heard the front door open again, followed by Carlos screeching, "Logan!" He turned to witness Carlos tackle Logan with a hug, Logan laughing as he clapped Carlos on the back.
"Hey, buddy, what's up? Great to see you, missed you!"
"Missed you too, Logan. Kendall's here already, look."
Logan smiled across the room, and something inside Kendall snapped. He rushed to Logan and hugged him tight, Logan allowing the embrace that lasted too long. "You okay?" Logan whispered.
"Fine. Just really happy to see you."
"Good. I'm happy to see you guys, too."
"Go put your stuff away, Logan," Carlos urged. "Then we can all catch up!"
"Sure. Kendall, can you grab that bag for me? It's heavy."
"Yeah." Kendall picked it up, the thing of course almost light as air, and with a smirk he followed Logan up the stairs.
"It's so quiet now. Remember in the beginning it was loud all the time, people everywhere?"
"I know," Kendall agreed. "It's like a ghost town. I've seen some of the camera people setting up but otherwise it's just the three of us."
"No Ryan yet?"
"No, he'll be in later tonight."
"Okay, they said I get this room right here..." Logan opened the door and dropped his stuff, then waited for Kendall to close the door and do the same before pulling him in and holding him. "What's going on? Did it go badly with James?"
"No, not exactly, but we just...we always end up fighting."
"Yeah, we fought, too. A few times."
"Did it go okay with Caroline?"
"They got along very well, there was no problem with that. It was a little scary, to tell you the truth. She's extremely attached to him now."
"Which will kill her if you don't win."
"Exactly." Logan finally stepped back, eyes narrowed on Kendall's face. "You look like you haven't slept all week. Is it because Carlos wasn't there? I noticed you two sleep a lot better together than you do apart."
Kendall shrugged, not meeting Logan's gaze. "We just got used to sleeping together, I guess. But it's not that, it's...a lot. My emotions are a mess over this whole thing."
"Mine too, Kendall. Having James in my house was both the best and worst thing that's happened to me in a long time. Seriously, though. If you need to talk, I'm here."
"I know. I think that's why I attacked you downstairs; I can't really put everything I'm feeling into words, but I feel like you understand anyway."
"No matter what, we're friends, right?"
Kendall nodded. "Definitely. It's so good to see you." He hugged Logan again, amazed because he'd not given a lot of thought to Logan over the week or so they'd been apart, but seeing Logan again somehow helped balance the storm thrashing inside him.
"It's gonna be alright, Kendall. What's meant to be..."
"I know." He took a deep breath, feeling like he could function again. "Okay, let's go down there and talk to Carlos, he's probably lonely by now."
"True," Logan laughed.
Carlos was in the loveseat when they returned. He patted the cushion next to him, Kendall settling in with a grin and relieved that they'd moved past whatever that weirdness had been when Carlos first arrived. Logan took the couch, stretching out on it before opening the bottle of beer Carlos tossed him.
"Okay, so," Carlos began. "Who wants to go first?"
"What exactly are we doing?"
"Come on, Logan, we're all dying to know how it went with James, right? You start. Did he and Caroline get along?"
"Yes," Logan sighed, resigned. "Very well."
"So she likes him?"
"She adores him. He keeps giving her gifts, or at least promising them. I think no matter what happens between us, she's getting a horse out of this. The idiot actually told her he was going to buy her one."
"Wow," Carlos whistled. "Sounds pretty serious."
"Yes, but we also fought plenty. He has no willpower with her, gives her everything she asks for."
Kendall was nodding. "Kind of like he does with you, Carlos. He'd do anything to see you smile."
Carlos frowned. "So he thinks of me as a kid? Is that what you're saying?"
"No, I just mean that he adores you. He's probably more than aware you're an adult."
"Yeah, that's true. When he kisses me...I'm definitely not a kid in his eyes. We had some pretty hot kissing going on right before he left."
"When did he see you, Carlos?" Logan asked.
"Tuesday. You guys?"
"I was Wednesday," Kendall supplied.
"And I was Thursday."
"That means Ryan must've been yesterday," Kendall figured.
"He could've been Monday," Logan commented.
"No, because he was here in L.A. Monday."
"How do you know?" Carlos asked.
"Katie found a video online of him getting coffee with Lana Monday morning."
"Ah," Logan said. "So he went home for a little bit first."
Kendall nodded. "Yeah, he told me that, said it was good to clear his head. Wait, Logan, so he went to you after me? Aren't you in Wisconsin?"
"Yeah, why?"
"He only had to go to the next state? He made it sound like he had a long flight and that's why he left early."
"How early did he leave?" Carlos wanted to know.
"Like right after dinner. Before dark. How long did he stay at your place, Carlos?"
"Like half a day? He got there around lunchtime, I guess. Left about an hour after dinner."
Logan suddenly found his beer fascinating, Kendall picking up on the avoidance immediately. "How early did he arrive for you?"
"Well, you have to remember that the whole point of that date was to show him what daily life is like with us. It's important for him to understand what he's getting into, so I worked it out with the producers that he would be there when she woke up so he could see what it's like."
Carlos' eyes narrowed. "And when did he leave?"
"Uh...not too late," Logan hedged.
Kendall shook his head, annoyed. "After Caroline went to bed, right? Just how much longer did he stay after that, Logan? Did you two get to fuck again or what?"
"Kendall, he left right after saying goodnight to her, okay? There was no fucking! Relax!"
"Okay, so..." Trying to change the subject, Carlos said, "He was with Ryan yesterday. How do you guys feel about your chances now? Logan?"
"I don't honestly know. He loves me. I know that much. But I don't know if he's ready to be a father yet, and I think after leaving the other night he probably did a lot of thinking. I guess...if this was the final night, I wouldn't feel confident, but since it's not...I think I'll stay another week. You?"
Carlos shrugged. "Once again, I was feeling pretty damn good about my chances until hearing about your date."
Logan sighed. "I'm sorry, we know he cares about you-"
"Yeah, but he obviously loves you more."
"Not necessarily."
"Oh, Logan, just stop," Kendall interrupted, words laced with bitterness. "We all know you're the favorite. I don't hate you for it, and I know Carlos doesn't either, but can we at least be honest about it? He spent an entire day and night with you, that says a lot."
Logan didn't answer, not willing to be drawn into an argument, so Carlos picked up the conversation. "Kendall. How'd your date go?"
Getting back on track, Kendall replied, "Um, pretty well. My mom loved him, and he even managed to impress Katie. They both approve, though Katie's still holding out in case he screws up. She says that if he makes the right decision, he'll gain her respect."
"The right decision being you, of course," Carlos grinned.
Kendall shrugged. "And what about your family? Did they like James?"
"Yeah, Mom really likes him a lot. Papi...I'm not sure. He seemed to like him, but when I asked if he approved, he said time would tell if James is the right one for me. Even my brother thinks he's great, though, which is crazy. Paul hates all of my boyfriends."
"What about Chachi?" Logan wondered. "Did he behave for James?"
"Please, that damn dog loves James. He only got mad when James would kiss me, because he gets jealous. But he approves of James."
"So basically James passed all the tests," Kendall commented. "Our families all approve, it's just a matter of what James wants."
"Or what he needs," Logan added. "I don't think they're the same thing at all."
A silence fell over them, each lost in his thoughts for a few minutes. Logan settled more comfortably into the couch, Carlos cuddled into Kendall, and Kendall responded by pulling him closer. Finally he said, "James gave me your message."
"Oh. He said he wasn't going to."
"He told me about Joanie, at least. Was there more?"
"No, just that if you forgot her, I wouldn't be mad."
Kendall nodded. "Good thing, because I forgot her."
"It's fine. I never really had her to begin with, so if I don't get her back, it's no big deal."
A lump rose in Kendall's throat at the words; he had no idea how to respond to that.
"Did you pop her?"
"No. Why would I?"
"It would be easy for it to happen in your suitcase. I thought maybe that's why you kept hiding her from me, because you didn't want to tell me you killed her."
Kendall chuckled. "She's alive and well, Carlos. I promise."
"Okay."
"My mom wants to meet you guys," Logan said suddenly.
"So does mine," Kendall agreed. "Maybe we can plan some kind of big family weekend when this is all done."
"That would be fun," Carlos nodded. "I bet Caroline and Chachi would have a blast together."
"God, then she'd want a dog, too. She's already begging for a horse, I don't need that."
"It'll be fine, Logan." Carlos closed his eyes, fatigue setting in suddenly, and with Kendall's arm around him he dozed off, Kendall smiling before shifting so that Carlos was laying over him. He closed his own eyes, wrapping his arms around Carlos as he'd done before leaving this place what seemed ages ago.
Logan's mind was on James, nerves setting in as the seconds ticked by. He was mostly sure James would keep him, but if he'd decided parenthood wasn't for him he would send Logan home tonight. Logan knew that much, having procured that promise from James in the early weeks of the contest. "Please don't run, James," he whispered, then glanced over to make sure the other two hadn't heard.
There were no worries on that score, though; Kendall and Carlos were both snoring lightly, looking like they were sleeping peacefully for the first time in months.
Ryan had time only to greet them all with hugs and a smile before Chris appeared to shepherd them to the ceremony. All four had taken care with their appearances, Ryan looking incredible even though he'd had to rush.
Once again there were three roses on the pedestal, and this time no one was safe going in. They were arranged on the steps, Chris stepping forward once the cameras were in place.
"Welcome back, guys, it's great to see you all. James told me he enjoyed his dates with each of you and that he'd never forget any of them, just as he'll never forget any of you. I know tonight is difficult for him, and I want you to understand you've all made a deep impression in his life. He told me he's learned things from each one of you, both about himself and about life, and that even though this contest is the most difficult thing he's ever done, it's also been the most rewarding and he would do it again just to have the opportunity of knowing you all.
With that said, I must remind you that the remainder of the contest is going to be even tougher for those of you who will stay and for James. From this point on, we require no contact between the contestants. That means that even though you will be in the same hotel for the next few weeks, you will be isolated from each other and that's how it needs to remain. I know that might be difficult for some of you, but it's not up for debate. You have a couple of minutes before James arrives, so you might want to say your official goodbyes now."
Without another word Chris was gone.
"Like I wasn't nervous enough already," Carlos complained.
"No kidding." Logan turned to the other three, unsure what to say now that the moment was upon them. "This isn't goodbye forever, guys. Just for a few weeks. Maybe a little longer if they make us wait until the show airs."
Ryan stood by silently, and Kendall smiled. "Hey. I don't know if you'd care to, but we'd love to keep in touch with you. Didn't you say you and Mike are going to stay friends after all this?"
"We are," he nodded. "I don't know how James would feel about it, though. Imagine how weird that would be for him."
"He already knows," Logan assured Ryan. "We told him we plan to remain in touch and that if chooses one of us, he'd have to deal with it."
"Really? And he was okay with that?"
"Yes and no," Kendall chuckled. "I doubt it'll be easy on any of us, but since he does care so much about all three of us, and you as well, he's okay with it. He doesn't want to lose any of us forever."
"It might be hard to be around him and not have those romantic feelings, though," Logan reminded them.
Carlos shrugged. "It's worth it. I'm not losing these guys,Ryan, and if you ever want to come hang out, you just let us know. I'd give you my number right now if I could."
"Chris would be able to get us in touch," Kendall offered. "I'm not worried about it. You and Mike are both welcome to come to our family weekend when it happens."
"I hope it happens," Logan fretted.
"It will," Carlos said, punching Logan lightly in the arm. "This isn't goodbye forever, right?"
"No. It's not." Finally smiling, Logan hugged Carlos tight, then Kendall was there in their midst while dragging Ryan into the group hug. Logan couldn't hold back a kiss to Carlos' cheek, and Kendall kissed his forehead, and all of them were overwhelmed with the knowledge that they'd possibly be within fifty feet of each other and not allowed to even speak.
"I love you guys," Carlos said suddenly.
"We love you too, buddy," Kendall replied. "No crying."
"I'm not."
"You're about to."
"Shut up."
Kendall laughed, causing Carlos to look up at him, and for one scary moment Kendall found himself leaning down to kiss him out of habit. Carlos' eyes widening in fear broke through that spell, and Kendall pulled away from the group just as James entered the room with Chris on his tail.
James smiled at all of them, Logan noting again that he looked as if he'd barely slept. Make-up could only do so much to hide the circles under his eyes and he seemed to have lost a little weight since the beginning of this whole mess. At this point Logan wanted it to end more for James' sake than theirs; he had to fight the urge to grab James to him and hold tight, to lecture James about eating properly and making sure he took care of himself first.
"Hey, guys."
"Hey," they all chorused, moving back into place on the steps and this time keeping their hands to themselves. Though they were still a group, the dynamic had shifted to leave each of them feeling vulnerable and alone.
"Whenever you're ready, James." Chris squeezed his shoulder, then exited the room.
All eyes were on James as they tried to wait patiently for him to begin. Ryan had seemed like a sure bet to be eliminated tonight, but now that the moment was here Logan's doubts surfaced once again. What if James had decided it was too much? Logan wouldn't blame him for that, but the thought of never knowing James' kiss or touch again left him filled with a terror he hadn't known since the early days after losing Jane.
"There's not much I can say at this point that I haven't already said," James started softly. "You all know how much I care about you, or at least I hope you do, and you should know that saying goodbye to any of you is killing me. I'm sorry for the hurt I'm causing and I hope that one day when this is all over, you can find it in you to forgive me."
James was close to tears but holding up well, his voice steady. Logan still wanted to grab him and run in order to spare him the pain of what he was being forced to do.
He picked up the first rose. "Kendall."
Logan's heart dropped as Kendall stepped forward to receive the rose. Before walking away he leaned in to kiss James, who was surprised into a smile.
"Thank you."
"No need to thank me, Kendall. Just don't make me regret it."
Kendall nodded before returning to his place.
Another rose was lifted from the podium. "Logan."
His knees went weak for a moment, then he found strength and stepped forward. James smiled as he fastened the rose, whispering, "How is she?"
"Good. She misses you."
"I miss her, too." James nodded once, waiting for Logan to step back, but instead Logan dove in for a kiss that had James breathless and desperate in under five seconds. "Jesus," he managed when Logan leaned away.
After winking at James, Logan kept his eyes down and moved into the line to face forward.
James took a moment to calm down, licking his lips before going for the final rose. "Okay." He cleared his throat, cheeks still flushed. After a very deep breath, James let it out and said, "Carlos."
"Oh my god, this is the worst thing ever!" Carlos yelled. "This stress is gonna kill me, man! Geez!" He stepped forward, James apologizing softly as he attached the rose to Carlos' shirt. "I know, I know, but...damn. Next time can you say my name first? Please?"
James chuckled, kissing Carlos on the cheek. "Go on. You're safe."
Chris was there as Carlos walked away. "Ryan, I'm sorry. Please say your goodbyes."
He nodded, looking as if he wasn't very surprised, though he did seem heartbroken. Everyone hugged him again and he smiled. "It was great meeting all of you."
"Same," Kendall replied. "We meant what we said earlier."
"Thanks."
James was waiting with an outstretched hand and sad eyes, and Logan watched the two of them leave the room with a heavy heart.
"What was that, Logan?"
He turned to Carlos. "What?"
"That kiss. Trying to rub it in?"
"No. No, I just...I don't know why I did that. He was there and I missed him and-"
Kendall rolled his eyes. "And you had to claim your territory."
Logan shrugged. "Like you didn't make out with him at the last ceremony?"
"That wasn't my choice."
"Oh, that makes me feel better."
"It wasn't meant to; it was the truth."
"Guys, can we please stop fighting?" Carlos begged. "We only have a few more minutes before he comes back and then we're done. No more talking until the end. This is it."
"We should still have one more rose ceremony," Logan said. "At the end of the overnight dates, we get back together for one more of these things."
"But we can't talk until then. Can't even see each other."
"No, Carlos, we can't." Logan's eyes fell on Kendall, then on Carlos. "If he doesn't choose me, I'm prepared, but it's still going to be difficult. Just know that I love you guys no matter what."
Both Kendall and Carlos nodded in agreement. "To love?" Carlos asked hesitantly.
"To love," Logan smiled.
"And friendship," Kendall added, gaze on Carlos.
Feeling James' presence, Logan spun around. "You okay?"
James managed a smile. "I'm fine, lo-Logan."
"Are you eating? I'll go find Rich right now and tell him to make sure you-"
"Logan. I'm fine. I love that you care, but I'm fine."
"Always the mom," Carlos teased, elbowing Logan.
"I can't help it, I'm a parent. And I worry about those I love."
Sensing that all James wanted was to take him somewhere alone and cry on his shoulder, Logan tried to communicate with his eyes that it was going to be okay. James nodded in silence.
"Are we all here?" Chris smiled at each of them, returning to the room. "Everyone needs to get a good night's rest, because we're up early in the morning for a flight to...London!"
There was excitement over that, Carlos, Kendall, and Logan hugging each other while cheering. James stood back with Chris, watching them with longing that he tried to conceal, until Kendall held an arm out. "You know, you're part of us now. You need to get over here and join the party."
With a blinding smile James did, rushing to them and being enveloped in their hugs, and for a few brief minutes everything was perfect. It wasn't going to last, more hearts would be broken before this was over, but for the time being, all was right between them.
"I love you guys," James whispered as they huddled together.
As each of them had already said the same to him, they didn't respond with words. Instead they hugged him tighter, dreading the moment they'd have to say goodbye.
