I genuinely don't want Fortress of Oblivion to explode, so I guess I have to update. Should study, but I don't want to! :D

Also, in light of recent reviews, the flying puppies have retired the waffles and switched to French toast at the request of Zuckaiy who started the whole puppies flying thing in the first place.

**SPOILERS FOR GLEE AHEAD** Yes, I am happy Will and Emma are finally hooking up. I think she is sooo adorable with her big eyes and incessant cleaning needs.

**SPOILERS FOR NARUTO AHEAD** I hate you Kabuto, but if you're bringing Deidara, Sasori, Itachi and Kakuzu back to life… I'm okay with you. //Doesn't care about Nagato at ALL//

Warning: Major Sasuke bashing. If you like him, I'm so sorry.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto BLAH BLAH BLAH AUTHOR-TASTIC DREAM BLAH BLAH! PUPPIES FLY! BLAH BLAH BLAH! I WANT 1000 REVIEWS!! BLAH BLAH BLAH! BUT SADLY I DON'T OWN NARUTO! BLAH BLAH BLAH //cries//

Scrumdidileeumptious

Chapter 28

Destination: Pein's Lap

It is very hard to piss of Sasuke Uchiha. It's actually annoying to try annoying him. But, I'll have you know, I hate his guts so much for being such an unfeeling bastard that crushed my loving heart at age eleven, that I have persevered and found a way to piss the dick-face off.

Insults will not work. He doesn't care what anybody thinks about him unless he's related to them. And mentioning Itachi's superiority in ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING to him doesn't piss him off enough to satisfy me. Which leaves my plan. This is how I pissed off Sasuke Uchiha (you might want to take notes, this may come in handy in your life):

I stood up calmly and brushed off my clothes while Sasuke held out his hand for the cell phone (which Itachi had given me at the mall when we got separated) impatiently like the insane prick that he is. Lucky for me, we were on the far right hand side of boardwalk, right next to the railing and we were about fifteen feet above the sand. Ten yards to our left was where all the shops were and Sasuke was standing right in front of the railing.

"AHHHHH!!" I screamed, pointing at Sasuke dramatically.

He looked confused and slightly annoyed. Yet, not annoyed enough.

"AHHHHHHH! OH GOD NO!" I kept screaming.

He glared at me. Good, his guard was dropped now.

"OH NO! DON'T! AHHH- BOOT TO THE FACE!" I yelled as loudly as possible and kicked him in the face so he flew over the railing and fell all fifteen feet to the sand where he lay motionless. I turned, smiling, to a stunned Naruto and Temari. And an apathetic Gaara. And a smiling Kankuro. "Hi! How much for a case of Vitamin E?"

"Eighty-five dollars." Gaara stated immediately, holding out his hand.

"Do you take credit?" I asked, smiling still.

"Right this way," Kankuro ushered me across the boardwalk and into the tattoo and piercing place. I noted with smug satisfaction that it was small and didn't sell any exceptional merchandise like Pein's did.

Gaara followed us while Temari and Naruto remained frozen on the boardwalk while Sasuke remained broken on the sands below. Damn, this is a good feeling. Kankuro vanished into the back of the store to retrieve a case of Vitamin E.

"So… you used to be in my history class before you were expelled, right?" I asked Gaara, his anti-social personality making me feel the need to create small talk.

Gaara nodded. You know what's weird? When narrating Gaara's actions I always have to refer to Gaara as 'Gaara' instead of 'he' because that's just the kind of impression Gaara gives a person.

Gaara's attitude was starting to piss me off.

"Why are you so anti-social?" I asked rater bluntly. I felt tackling teen angst problems like these was best done head on. Has anyone ever tried asking someone a question head on? I do it often. I once asked my bus driver in elementary school if being a bus driver was what he always wanted to do or if he was just too much of an idiotic failure to do something real with his life. He told me he liked watching little kids, so being a bus driver was his dream job. He then handed me a suspicious brownie.

Gaara glared at me. Gaara's creepy green eyes met my rather shiny and happy ones. I smiled even wider. Did I mention he has no eyebrows but some Chinese character tattoo above one eye?

"Do you realize you look like a panda?" I asked Gaara.

"I don't look like a panda." Gaara told me, self-assured.

"Yes you do." I informed Gaara. "You got the whole guy-liner thing goin' and everything."

"These are dark circles." Gaara's monotone voice of absolute boredom informed me. Gaara is so lucky he's attractive or I would have stabbed Gaara for this painfully awkward conversation already.

Only one thing to do in painfully awkward conversations. "Do you want to have sex with me?" I asked Gaara with the most straightforward voice I could manage. Gaara sputtered, completely taken off guard. He finally looked so human that I could refer to him as a 'him'! Yes! Success! "HAH!" I cheered, pointing at his face. "You ARE human!"

"Of course I'm human!" Gaara protested.

"Well, I mean the whole, feeling kind of human." I explained, smiling in my victory.

"Well, here's the case of Vitamin E!" Kankuro announced, coming in from the back room carrying a huge cardboard box the clinked when it moved because it was filled with glass bottles of Vitamin E. He dropped the heavy box on the counter.

"Oh, thanks!" I said cheerily, handing him the credit card.

"Fugaku Uchiha?" Kankuro raised an eyebrow.

I glared. "Do you want eighty-five dollars or not?"

He rung it up but after handing me back the card and my copy of the receipt he had one thing to ask: "Why do you need all this Vitamin E anyway?"

"Oh," I said, not even thinking. "I work at the other tattoo and piercing shop, Rinnegan."

The atmosphere changed in an instant. I hadn't realized the depth of competition between rival boardwalk shops. Kankuro immediately went from friendly to pissed. Gaara went from apathetic to apathetic. Kankuro, in a flash, pulled out his soda from under the counter and poured it on my shirt very purposefully.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Kankuro smiled while also twitching. "Here," He said, reaching under the counted to pull out an employee shirt that read The Desert Coffin. "You can wear this instead on your way back."

Oh so that's how it's going to be.

"I'm fine in just my bikini, thanks." I replied, pulling off my now sticky shirt. I was seriously pissed at Kankuro now and I wasn't about to fall into his trap and advertise for his shop. Hells to the fucking no.

"Really?" He asked, chipper. "That would certainly make Naruto happy, seeing you in a bikini." He hinted slyly.

I turned, in fear, to see Naruto and Temari carrying Sasuke's unconscious body up the stairs and back up to the boardwalk. Naruto spotted me. He blushed and smiled a perverted smile. I turned quickly back to Kankuro. "Gimme the shirt!" I demanded and pulled it on quickly.

I then seized the box huffily and pulled it off the counter but it weighed me down quickly and I was bent double as the heavy blasted thing crushed my toes. "Fuck." I swore under my breath.

"Hey, Naruto, why don't you help Sakura carry the box back to her store?" Kankuro called to the door where Temari, Naruto, and an unconscious Sasuke had just arrived.

"Sure!" Naruto perked up, dropping Sasuke on the floor, and rushing forward to help. He bent down to pick up the box and stood up and bent backwards, the box crushing him, and his face turning red quickly.

Gaara sighed deeply, grabbed the box from Naruto and carried it easily. "Let's go." He instructed me and led the way out.

Well, that was nice of him!

What a sweetie!

And a cutie!

And he looks freakishly like Sasori from behind.

Related?

I don't think so. Weren't Sasori and Kankuro in the same art class?

I think that was mentioned once, yeah…

I wonder what school Temari's going to in the fall?

See, I had to talk to my Inner because, even if I had proven Gaara was human, he still wasn't talkative. When we arrived at Rinnegan I told Gaara he could put the box under the counter. When we entered, everybody froze to look at us. Gaara took no notice, walked forward, put the box where I told him to, and left with a quick "See you around, Sakura." And a very tiny smile but I swear to God, I saw it.

All the guys turned to me, confused. I explained the whole story about how Kankuro poured soda on me and I couldn't walk back in a bikini because Naruto was here and Gaara had to carry the box for me because it was heavy. And, oh yeah, Sasuke's here. He wants his phone back but I sorta knocked him off the boardwalk and he was too unconscious for me to return it.

"Well then. This means war, doesn't it?" Kakuzu questioned us in general.

"What kind of war?" Sasori asked suspiciously.

"Prank war?" Kisame asked hopefully.

"Explosions war, un?!" Deidara inquired hopefully.

"No…" Kakuzu shut them down. "A Sakura war."

"A what war?" I asked, angry. What the hell did he mean by that?

"A Sakura War." Itachi repeated, approvingly. "I see."

"Explain, please!" I whined.

"Those bastards, making you wear that shirt… it's obviously a challenge." Pein informed me.

"It's not a challenge. Kankuro was just pissed I was from here, you know, the rival shop." I protested.

"It's a challenge. Gaara doesn't talk at all but he talks to you and he even helped you. They're up to something. Those bastards." Kisame muttered.

"Well, what do you think they're up to?" I inquired sarcastically.

Pein pondered for a bit before answering: "An advertisement war."

"So we went from 'Sakura war' to an 'advertisement war'?" I wondered.

"Never underestimate the power of teenage girl advertisement." Kakuzu responded knowingly.

"Here, put on this shirt." Zetsu suggested, holding up a tiny shirt that read Rinnegan.

I sighed and pulled off the Desert Coffin shirt and put on the Rinnegan one. Deidara took the Desert Coffin one and lit it on fire. When it was ashes, he swept them into a dustpan and put the ashes in Bonbon's litter box.

We got back to work and no one said anything more on the subject of war but I knew it brewed. Apparently, as long as I advertised for Rinnegan, we would win. The days continued to pass and Naruto started showing up to Rinnegan, wearing his orange swim trunks and black tee shirts and that goofy grin. Sometimes, if the guys were in a good mood, they'd let him hang out and he'd help me around the shop. He was sort of useless but he was cute in a Tobi way occasionally.

Sometimes, sitting behind the counter, when there weren't any customers, and Naruto and I just talked, it felt like old times. All joking and arm shoving and buddy-buddy inside jokes. Maybe our friendship wasn't entirely lost? He didn't get all stiff with the guys breathing down his neck but he also didn't dare ask me out in front of them.

Sasuke showed up once, the day after the Vitamin E incident, and I was forced to give him back his cell phone. On his way out, Itachi stopped him, took his phone, threw it on the floor, and crushed it with his foot. Then, Itachi looked once at his brother and I couldn't see the face from the angle I was at, but Itachi's face made Sasuke almost cry and he ran from the shop quickly.

Gaara showed up a few times. He would come in, look around, buy some stuff, and smirk tiny, tiny smirks. I have a feeling it was all part of some conspiracy. Like Kankuro had told him to chat me up so I'd come over to their side and he could dump soda on me again. Temari came once too, without either of her brothers and we talked for two hours straight about college plans and what not. She was going to Stanford. I was jealous.

The war continued subtly for the moment. Every day, the guys would make me wear a shirt advertising the shop and sometimes, when Tobi got too hot in his pirate costume, I'd stand outside the store in my bikini top and shorts and show off some henna tattoos Deidara and Sasori practiced on me. O, how I enjoyed them henna-ing all over my skin. None of the pain or permanent-ness of a real tattoo but showed off their artistic talents. And it also made them touch me for extended amounts of ti—this sentence is sounding so perverted.

One day, on the third of July, the Desert Coffin retaliated in the 'Sakura War'. I was just talking to Hidan, explaining to him that I was not going to become a Jashinist and, no, I had no plans of becoming his sacrifice, when, speed of light, Kankuro came rushing into Rinnegan. My back was turned to him but he came up right behind me at a sprint, froze, and slapped my chest with a Desert Coffin bumper sticker right over the Rinnegan logo on my tank top. Normally, I would consider this pretty weak revenge, except for one factor.

"YOU TOUCHED MY BOOBS, YOU CREEPY PERV!" I screamed at Kankuro angrily as he rushed from the shop.

Zetsu, in true, quiet-kid-you-never-know-his-next-move fashion, pulled out a paint ball gun and started shooting at Kankuro but it was too late and the green paint instead splattered a hobo sleeping on a bench on the boardwalk.

"Sorry!" I called to the hobo as I pushed Zetsu's paintball gun down gently.

The hobo just smiled good-naturedly and turned over on his bench. God, I love Californians.

"How dare that bastard touch your boobs before me?!" Hidan demanded angrily.

"You know…" I laughed uncertainly, covering my chest with my arms. "I'm just gonna pretend this never happened, okay?"

And with that, I backed away slowly.

"We'll get our revenge." Kakuzu vowed, plotting. I ignored him and we carried on with the day.

Finally, we had survived all the way to the fourth of July. The, officially, biggest beach weekend of the year. If the insane voice in my head knew anything, it was that holidays and beaches are both romantic things. And I had both. Double whammy. I promised myself, on the morning of the fourth of July, that today would be the day I sat on Pein's lap. I'd moved to thighs only last week and this might be rushing things but I really, really, wanted to kiss him. So, I vowed, I would sit in his lap and then we would have no choice but to give into our desires and make out like the crazy teens we were.

I woke up early, got a shower, moisturized, and made absolutely sure I had shaved above the knees. I donned a black bikini with dark grey cheetah print and purple strings. Over that I put on my shortest pair of dark jean shorts and a cute mini tank that read Rinnegan. Operation: Seduce Pein had officially begun. I quickly slipped out of the shop and ran to the store and purchased a whole lot of eggs, three pounds of bacon, everything I needed for pancake mix, vanilla ice cream to put on the pancakes, and all the ingredients for monkey bread. Oh yeah, I meant business.

A/N: In case you didn't know, monkey bread is a breakfast and a desert all in one. It's basically dough dipped in butter and then rolled in cinnamon sugar and baked into delicious amazingness.

I then practically skipped back to the shop while Waldo pumped I've Got a Feeling, by The Black Eyed Peas, into my ears. When I arrived, I made everything: forty-eight eggs worth of scrambled eggs, about sixty strips of bacon, somewhere around eighty giant pancakes, and a giant pile of fresh baked monkey bread.

When it was all ready I set out utensils, plates, syrup, butter, powdered sugar, the ice cream and all the food in a sort of buffet line. I also put out an open bag of bugles because that's Pein's favorite food. I surveyed my work, happy. However, the oven being on had made the room hot and it was July and we were in southern California. I stripped off my tank top before I could get sweaty and reapplied some candy apple body mist.

If this didn't get Pein into my arms, nothing would.

It was only a matter of seconds before the smell of breakfast reached the bedroom and there were nine heads in the doorway hardly daring to believe their eyes.

"Happy Birthday, AMERICA!" I cheered, throwing my hands in the air.

"Oh… my… fucking… Jashin…" Hidan muttered.

I rolled my eyes at their unhinged jaws. "It's going to get cold." I told them sourly.

They attacked, loading up their plates, and sitting down on the couches in the living room to devour.

"Sakura, I honestly love you." Sasori said as he popped some monkey bread in his mouth.

"Yay!" I cheered happily as I munched on my pancakes topped by ice cream.

I was sitting, happy as a Tobi with pixi stix, in between Pein and Kakuzu. Pein had put the Bugles on his fingers like claws and was now eating them off one by one. Kakuzu was done eating a modest amount of monkey bread and had his hand on my knee while he looked the other way to talk to Tobi about, ironically enough, pixi stix. Kakuzu was trying to explain to Tobi that the paper was not meant to be eaten and Tobi was swearing up and down that the paper was flavored and completely edible.

I watched Kakuzu's hand on my knee suspiciously and noticed Deidara, sitting across from us, was looking at it too. Well, actually, Deidara was glaring at it. Pein kept glancing at it. I should do something about his hand being there, shouldn't I? But it's just my knee…

As I thought this, his hand slid up my thigh just a few inches. There were many problems with this. One, Deidara looked ready to cut Kakuzu's hand off. Two, Pein had stopped eating Bugles to watch Kakuzu's hand. When Pein stops eating Bugles, you know something is up. Third, this was making me feel exceptionally uncomfortable. And fourth, worst of all, I am the most ticklish person you will ever meet.

I burst out into hysterical fits of uncontrollable laughter, my lungs and diaphragm entering an epileptic fit all their own, and I kicked my leg in my hysteria and crawled desperately over the back of the couch to escape Kakuzu's hand. When I had fallen over the back of the couch and was therefore, no longer tickled, I calmed down enough, as I tried to catch my breath, to realize just how much of a freak I am.

"Sakura?" Pein practically sang, looking over the couch with that evil glint in his eyes at me.

I gulped.

"Are you… perhaps… ticklish, un?" Deidara asked, joining Pein at looking at me in a looming-evil fashion.

Oh, no.

This never ends well.

So I screamed, got up, ran out onto the balcony, and leapt over the railing to land in the pool of the hotel resort next door. Neighbors are so convenient, aren't they?

-Um… yeah, of course I'm a hotel guest, sir, why do you ask? I'm just taking a quick dip while still wearing my shorts. What of it? I don't work next door.-

"I can't believe you jumped!" Sasori exclaimed when we were all settled on the beach, laughing about my little freak out. Great, now I looked like a complete freak-show to Pein.

"Neither can I…" I mumbled, miserable that I had given up a chance for Pein to tickle me. Tickle is torture but if it were Pein touching me in all my most sensitive… this sentence is coming out wrong! I'm just saying that I wouldn't mind being tickled so much as long as it was Pein doing it.

"It was pretty epic." Kisame smiled fondly at the memory, nodding. Bonbon seemed to stick to him like glue and it was here that she meowed in agreement with big blue. Itachi had read her mind and informed me that Bonbon was either worshiping Kisame as the god of fish or believed he was a Na'vi that would take her to Pandora. Kisame thought Bonbon just liked him better than Tobi. We didn't tell him otherwise.

"I got it on tape!" Tobi said, holding up his camera which seemed to document all the awesome things that happened to us… and some of the less than awesome things too…

"Can you delete it?" I moaned, completely embarrassed by my actions. I'm so peculiar!

"You should have just told us you were ticklish, un." Deidara comforted, rubbing my head. "Then we would have tickled you into insanity long ago, un."

"Gee, thanks." I grumbled, yanking his pony tail lightly.

He glared at my hair-pulling and jabbed my tummy. I burst into hysterics and fell to the ground unable to breathe properly.

When I recovered, I stood up prideful, brushed myself off primly and said: "Ahem… That didn't just happen."

"Yes it did." Tobi said, holding up his camera and replaying the few seconds of film over and over again.

I felt defeated and sunk to my seat on Pein's lap while they all laughed at my misfortune.

"You know," Pein whispered in my ear as he leaned into my back and wrapped his arms around my waist. "It seems to me that you started on my knees and now you're in my lap."

I shivered at his breath on my neck and ear lobe. His strong arms around my stomach unleashed a whole different kind of butterflies that my ticklish-ness did not. His chiseled chest against my back set my face on fire. I'd forgotten about my mission. Seduce Pein! And here he was, ready and willing to be seduced. Or, more likely, seducing me!

Quick! Say something mature and sexy!

"So it would seem."

Oh, God, I could kill myself. Is it too late to offer myself as Hidan's sacrifice to Jashin?

Pein's never gonna think I'm hot now! Sure, I've got my body going for me, but he wants a smart girl, right? He seems like that kind that would want a smart girl! And I am smart! And if he didn't make me so confused all the time, I could show him all my transcripts with my perfect grades! But he made me act like a fool with all his hotness and now he'd never want m---

"Do you wanna go on a date with me tonight?" He asked.

--

A/N: Well, there you go. I feel the strange need to inform anyone reading this that I've named my giant new blue couch Kisame.

Recap of this chapter: Sasuke's boiling with anger somewhere nearby. The sand siblings and the Akatsuki are warring over Sakura advertising their respective shops. Desert Coffin got that last shot but Kakuzu's plotting his Rinnegan revenge. Sakura's ticklish. And Pein just asked her out on a date! Oh, and don't forget, it's the fourth of July, which means fireworks and we ALL know what that means.

I want to thank everyone who's been reviewing and last chapter was the most reviewed one so far!! One of the number one things I love about reviews, except for how funny you guys are, are the made up words. If you've survived so far in this story, you know I make up words a LOT so I'm happy to know I'm not the only one. Favorite made up word of the week:

from Karla

So, question for my dearest reviewers. What moment, throughout this entire story, made you laugh the hardest? What scene seems the most lol-tastic to you?

REVIEW!!