First, you people are too smart.
Second, I'm a crappy person for leaving you high and dry for the last twenty days since I've updated.
Third, you'll be happy to note that I am, in fact, still very much alive and kicking.
Fourth, YAY for triple updates.
Fifth, I truly am sorry and will try to be better.
Death is supposed to be peaceful, right? You're supposed to be on a white cloud floating off to some unknown location. Or you're just supposed to cease to exist.
But then why am I here? Why am I being haunted by my sister, my brother and all the things I could have been? And why does everything hurt so fucking much?
It's dark here, I want to move to try and find some light, but I can't. I'm just suspended, nothing below me but darkness, nothing above me but black emptiness and nothing at my sides.
And then the memories come flooding back. I remember when my parents brought Mikasa home for the first time, before he abandoned us. I was four years old. She looked so small and fragile, her hair hung down to her little waist and she barely ate anything.
We shared a room, a bed each and not a night went by without her having a horrible nightmare. I would climb into bed with her and hold her against me as she cried. Her little hands would clutch the front of my shirt so tight that I was scared she would rip it.
One night, after a particularly bad nightmare, I shoved my scarf into her hands. It was red and soft and it had been a birthday present from my mom, but it soothed Mikasa enough for her to go back to sleep again. When she tried to give it back, I told her to keep it.
She wears it till this day.
Whenever this day might be…
Next to visit me is Armin. I remember Mikasa and I chased off his bullies. After that the little blond stuck to us like glue, and when his grandfather could no longer take care of him, my parents adopted him too. The three of us were inseparable, until I followed that asshole to England and left my family behind. We weren't even together for that long before I realised he was cheating on me.
By then I didn't have enough money for a flight home and I just couldn't face Mikasa's scrutiny. So I studied and got a part time job as a firehouse cook. Which soon became firehouse trainee and then squad member.
And before I knew it, eight years have passed and I had enough saved up for three trips to Japan. I kept in contact with my siblings, it's not like I cut myself off from them completely. Sure, the messages were few and far between, but we lived in different time zones on different continents and we had lives.
And then my mother comes to me, the back of her hand soothing over my cheek. Tears well up in my eyes as I remember the day she- the day she- I choke on a sob, the memory too painful, especially with her standing over me…
I struggle to breathe.
Movement draws my attention and soon I'm surrounded by all my friends and family, even those who I no longer speak to or who have passed away, they stand around me and talk to me at once. Strangely enough, I understand what each and every one of them is saying. The accumulation of their voices is a deafening din and my head starts spinning when I feel something warm resting against my hand.
Out the corner of my eye, I see a dark angel with my hand in both of his. "Levi-" I try to say but my mouth won't work.
"Fucking brat," his voice is just above a whisper. "Why do you always end up fucking hurt?"
"Levi-"
My mouth refuses to form the words and I watch as Levi's face drops. His head is bowed low; he brings my hand to his lips and presses them softly against my knuckles before gently setting it down at my side again.
"No, Levi-"
My mind starts screaming for him, begging for him to hear me, to turn around and look at me. But he doesn't. I watch as he walks away. I try to reach for him but my body won't listen just like my mouth won't work.
My hand aches with cold; my heart hurts so much it might actually be physical pain. And then he disappears. My mind is screeching, as though it wanted to split my skull open and try to escape. It wanted to follow Levi.
One by one, everyone who was there with me starts disappearing too. Fading into the black nothingness that drowns me.
And then I am all alone. I can't stop the tears that roll down my cheeks and pool in my ears.
I try to tilt my head to remove them from where they rest, but again my body won't work. Why the fuck does my tear ducts work but nothing else? I cry out in frustration.
There is a ringing in my ears, at first I thought it might be my racing heart but it is far too consistent to be the double pump action of a heart.
It sounds almost as though I am standing or lying down under electrical power lines and I can hear the electricity moving through the wires. Then there is a dripping sound, far too loud to be a single drop. It shatters the buzzing silence and I hear voices in slow motion.
It's the strangest thing to hear, the voices are pronouncing each vowel and consonant longer than it should be so I struggle to make out the words. I close my eyes to the darkness, to be honest; I just didn't want to see my loneliness anymore.
Something warm brushes over my cheek and rests there, cupping my face gently. It feels nice, almost loving, and I hum in appreciation.
Wait, I hummed?
Is my body working again?
My eyes fly open and I moan as white light burns my retinas. I turn my head away from the light and my eyes meet Levi's stormy pools.
'I just don't want to see my loneliness anymore'- This actually hurt my heart, like did I write this? I don't remember writing this…
