First and foremost, thanks to everyone who read the last chapter even after my warning! I felt way better that almost everyone was able to find something good in it. Unfortunately, I'll give you the same warning for this one. It's not a particularly cheery chapter, but we're almost there! ALMOST.
Thanks so much to Bamberlee for editing this chapter so quickly! She sent it back in hopes that I could update it earlier, but I've had no time during this trip. I'm falling asleep now trying to format it, so if it looks wonky, my apologies in advance.
Thank you to all who read and reviewed the chapter, story, etc.
If you're celebrating, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving! Or at least got to go shopping.
Oh, and to the person who asked- the shrieking was Christina lol.
We arrive as the afternoon begins to fall away.
Harrison drives silently, his gaze focused straight ahead. His jaw is tense as he steers the truck to a side street, and I bite back the urge to tell him to drive faster. I'd only gone along with him because I didn't trust myself to not drive the truck right through the building. Not to mention the fact he had found the location after a few days of trying. I'd blinked when he told me it was smack in the middle of a section of run-down buildings we had dismissed as being completely uninhabitable.
For several reasons.
This particular section didn't belong to anyone, really. The land fell in Candor, but the buildings were too decayed to live in or renovate, and too dirty even for the factionless. They were clustered together, at one point having been fancy and impressive store fronts and living spaces, but now sat rotting, groaning when the wind blew. Jack had asked a few times to have something done with them, but no one could agree on what.
But if we had, we would have discovered an entire world in them.
"Almost there," Harrison announces, and he speeds up as we approach the run down buildings. I glance back at the rear-view mirror, and the sight behind me makes me smirk.
Second after us, the large Dauntless trucks drive quickly, destroying everything in their path. The trail of them appears endless, and it was a warning to anyone watching that we weren't here to mess around. We'd brought everyone necessary, and there were more soldiers waiting. On my command, they'd rip the factionless limb from limb, leaving nothing uncovered until we found Everly.
"Over there," Harrison points to the largest building, one with boarded up windows that are nailed in X's. "From what I found, she's been holed up in there for some time now. She's got everyone staying with her, offering sanctuary for those who feel like they've been wronged. She's like an infestation that's spreading. She's even got her own version of security patrolling it."
He laughs when he says that part, but it's dry and unimpressed. I follow his stare and I'm not surprised they have factionless acting as security. Some of them are, no doubt, failed Dauntless initiates, and others are people whose violent nature has come in handy. As we get closer, I notice they are lined up all along the borders of the building, and their gazes are blank.
Until they spy us.
They turn their heads at the noise of the engines, and Harrison and I watch two men signal something. A code of sorts; a second later, more of them appear out of the woodwork. They fall into some sort of order as they prepare to attack. There is some semblance of organization to them, especially in the way they group together, but they are a faint ghost of how the Dauntless soldiers are trained.
I can see Four's influence and I'm only reminded that I'll deal with him when I'm back.
We don't waste any time.
Almost every one of our soldiers are out of the trucks before they can do anything, and we've opened fire before they know what's happening.
The gunfire is loud and unending, and my ears ring as I join them.
Much to my dismay, I don't see Everly.
Not right away, and not a good twenty minutes later.
My main focus is finding her, though I know better than to assume she'd be outside waiting for us to arrive. Their compound is large, spanning several dilapidated buildings and the back is lined with heavy, wire fencing where they'd been able to wrench it together to give a false sense of security. Their soldiers move around quickly to attempt to shoot us. They have the advantage of knowing the area well, but we are faster.
We gun them down, one by one.
I don't recognize any of them; I do catch flashes of black and maroon clothing, specks of blue, sleeves of grey, and even a few bursts of gold. I see nothing pink, or even close to what Everly had on when she was taken, but the colors blur before me as the worlds collide. In this war she's started, there is chaos spilling from every person. It ramps up quickly, their attack baseless as ever, but they do their best to keep up with us. There is more blood spilled than I'd imagined, and the factionless men and women are unable to hold us back. I idly wonder if this was what Evelyn wanted as one of her men gasps for air, blood trickling out of his mouth and nose. His eyes darken, eventually rolling upward, and I walk over him.
I don't see Everly.
Not amongst the lifeless bodies, nor amongst those fighting to stay alive.
I don't see Colton, either.
I walk through the gunfire with little hesitation. Despite their desire to find me, none of them are even focused on me. They're more focused on each other, shouting and yelling as they step back. It's like they've realized that they might not win. That despite the weak training they had, they were promised it would grant them ultimate success.
I glance around, and I notice a few are passable; I can tell they aren't entirely untrained, and their posturing mirrors our own soldiers. Except that they are afraid, and the first few mortally wounded set the tone for the others. I see it in their eyes as I stalk past, weapon drawn, willing to kill whoever got in my way. I see it on their faces, their bravery slipping away to reveal their sudden hesitation, that perhaps Evelyn had led them astray. I see it when a group of them falls to the ground, their clothes bloodied and their stares horrified, as they realize they've been used to further her plans.
That despite what she told them, she used them as her own army so she'd stay alive.
"There's no sight of her." Rylan yells as he catches up, and he wipes his forehead while we walk. "We checked all the way around. Harrison went to the left a few minutes ago."
"Fuck." I swear, and I kick someone out of my way. I barely look down at the groaning, only straight ahead toward where Rylan was going. "Did they get inside?"
"No, but someone thought-"
He's cut off by the loud burst of an explosion, and the front of the buildings shake. The foundation seems to sway unsteadily, and I turn wildly.
"Fuck, they're bombing us." Rylan yells, and a second later, he's yelling into his watch at someone else. "Fire now. We've got enough that we can hold them off all day. Fire at will."
All around us, things explode and react. Shots are fired, buildings and people are hit, and one of the truck's windshields explodes when one of their homemade fireworks lands on it. I catch sight of Jason, looking up in confusion at the noise.
"Move!" I scream at Jason, standing to the side cocking his head at it in disbelief. He leaps away, and a second bomb follows.
Their aim is shitty; it misses Jason, but it hits the door of the truck, and he jumps out of range just as the thing explodes. Luckily for us, their weapons may be our own, but their best efforts- the handmade explosives and the sloppily packaged bombs, don't work quite as well as they'd planned. Some explode, some don't. I can see their efforts as one lands by my foot, and I kick it away a second before it weakly explodes. The air grows smoky, hard to breathe as they continue to attack.
"I'm going in." I announce, and Rylan doesn't try to stop me. He nods, and resumes following after me.
I don't get very far.
A few steps in, I see who I can only assume is Evelyn, walking alone. Her dark hair falls in her face as she walks out from between two buildings, and she ducks her head down as her gaze sweeps over the sight in front of her. I notice the instant fall of dissatisfaction on her face, and the determined smile that follows.
Behind her, a man holds something, someone, in his arms. I can barely make out anything except for dark clothing, and he keeps the body against his chest. It's not Colton, and I can't be certain it's Everly, but I have the sinking suspicion it is.
I take off immediately.
I scream Evelyn's name, enough that her gaze jerks up to me. She stares right back at me, her eyes finding mine, and her lips turning up in triumph as I get closer. I move quickly, aiming my gun right at her, but she's gone. She takes a step to the side, and she's lost in the swarm of her own soldiers, arriving with a buzzing effort to hold me back. They fire immediately, and I half forget that I should be shooting.
"This way." Rylan jerks my arm, but my eyes desperately search for the man who was with her. I see no one, only a wall of darkness as they are gunned down. They fall to the ground with little protest, and I furiously try to see where she went.
I can't.
There is nothing behind her.
No door.
No window.
Only the foundation of the building, and the dead that she used to get me here.
I can't catch my breath, not even when Rylan shoots the last one straight in the head.
"Fuck, where is she?!" His words are shrieked, just as crazed as I feel. I look past him, past the hazy smoke, past a few of her men running away, cowardly giving up. I aimlessly shoot the two I can and I turn back to face Rylan. "Eric, where is…I didn't see her."
He sounds traumatized, as the realization that this mission was a spectacular failure hits the both of us. It slaps me in the fact that I was lured here, drawn out from Dauntless in hopes that I'd be killed or maybe give in and side with them. And while that didn't happen, not only did I not kill Evelyn, I didn't find Everly.
I stand there, staring at Rylan, until Harrison grabs me firmly by the arm and drags me away.
"Drink this."
Harrison shoves the flask in my face, and I down it without looking. It burns, bitter and hot as it slides down my throat, and it threatens to come right back up.
"We'll go back. We did our best. We drove them out, and now they know…they know you aren't messing around. We'll find Evelyn. She can't hide forever."
I look over at him, and I swear I've never seen him before. His face is clean shaven but caked with blood and dirt. His eyes are green, and he shakes his head at me as he turns the truck on.
"We'll kill her, don't you worry." He takes the flask back from me, and I realize we're leaving. All the trucks are leaving. The last few of the soldiers have arrived back at the vehicles, and one throws one dark look back at the buildings.
"Wait, no-"
I shove the door open, feeling like a caged animal sprung free, and my boots hit the dirt. I take off, heading right back to where I saw her, Evelyn, maybe Everly, and I frantically search for anything. I still don't think she'd be dumb enough to have brought Everly out here, but there's a slim chance it was her. My brain tells me this over and over, and I head right back to where I'd last stood. I triumphantly find a section of windows, and I rip the wooden planes nailed to the side of a building that reveal nothing.
Plain, cracked concrete.
I throw the wood back at the wall, staring at the decaying exterior of nothingness, and my roar of frustration sinks down into the Earth. I head between the buildings, looking for a sign that Everly had been there. I stomp over the dead foliage, kicking rocks at the wall in a fit of rage, and I slam my fist against broken concrete when there's nothing here.
No one.
Other than debris and smoky rubble, there's not a single sign that anyone has been here.
"Hey, Eric, we gotta get back. They'll attack again. Max called in that there's another riot starting not too far from here. He thinks she's gonna try to wear you down."
"Not yet. I don't have Everly back yet." I look up slowly, my gaze turning away from the cracked concrete to find Jason, looking at me with a very tense expression. He chews on his cheek, taking in my hands on the wall and my head down.
"We'll find her-" He starts, and I shake my head at him.
My whole world tilts to the side, and I half expect him to slide right out of view. It hits me then, like a blow to the face, that I've lost her. I've lost Everly, and it was my own doing.
"Eric, we gotta go. They'll kill you if they come back here. You're just standing there…"
"Shut the fuck up."
I hiss at him, slowly standing upright and ignoring the way his hands are shaking. My boots crunch over a pile of broken glass, and my eyes narrow as I walk by him.
I feel it then, the same overwhelming and crushing rage, and it consumes me whole as I realize my wife is gone.
Really gone.
And I have no clue if I'll ever get her back.
The sun shines brightly even at the late hour.
I walk beneath a cloudless blue sky, my hands balled into fists. The air is cold and cruel, slicing as it howls, and it searches for any exposed skin it can find. My jacket deflects most of it, but I don't care. I welcome the sensation, for it's the only thing I can feel.
I return to Dauntless in defeat.
I ignore the whirl of soldiers around me, each one loudly discussing what had happened. I ignore the buzz in my ear that I should get back out there, run back if I have to, because Everly was still there. I ignore the ache in the deepest part of my bones that tells me I had just missed her, that she had been right fucking there, and I'd blown it.
I ignore the yell of Jason and my name being called by Rylan. Harrison insisting I come with him, that we can counter attack in a day and catch them off guard. We could infiltrate and force Evelyn out before she knew what was happening.
I ignore all of it and I walk home.
The first night is the worst.
To be fair, since the day Colton had taken Everly, my life had been an utter shit show. It felt hollow and useless, like I had nothing to show for it. I'd been dragged to Erudite, manipulated to stay there, and only allowed to leave under the guise of finding Evelyn for Jeanine. My plan to kill Evelyn had failed spectacularly. Jack hadn't responded since I sent him my life's work with Jeanine. Jason and Rylan couldn't meet my gaze. Max had told me he was sorry, and he'd looked ready to vomit.
And Everly, well it was becoming clear with every passing second, that I'd never see her again.
I'd returned home to an empty apartment. The lights were off, and I flipped them on without thinking. My living room lit up to reveal the couch where Everly and I spent plenty of time together, the blanket she'd covered herself up with a few weeks ago, and the books she'd been reading. My stare went right to them, neatly stacked atop of my tablet, and her hair tie, right to the side of it.
I headed straight to my bedroom.
I stalked into darkness again, and again, turned on the lights only to wish I hadn't. My bed was made, Carol having taken care of things while I was gone, and my laundry was put away. But despite having been back here after being in Erudite, the presence of Everly was suddenly overwhelming.
For someone who I'd never had any intention of letting invade my space, she was everywhere.
Her shoes sat next to mine on the floor, kicked off before she'd hopped in the shower. Bottles of nail polish, purchased by her and Christina were neatly arranged on my dresser. Her hairbrush sat beside them. Her uniform jacket, skipped- in favor of my own, worn hoodie was at the very end.
I ignore all of it.
I walk to the bed, and I come to a dead halt when I see Carol has left some of the laundry out as some sort of kind afterthought. Boxers and a t-shirt for me, and a pale, pink nightgown for Everly. Seeing as how Carol worked while I was gone and rarely was here when I was home, she'd have no clue that Everly hadn't been returning home at night. I stare at the silky fabric as though it might catch fire, and my fingers move of their own accord. They skim over the nightgown until they dig into it, bunching together and crumpling it up.
She's not coming back.
I try to ignore the thought, for there was still hope. Harrison had told me he wasn't giving up, and Jason and Rylan had said they weren't, either. There was a chance she was still alive, just…somewhere I didn't know about.
I shove the fabric away, unable to hold onto it anymore, and I head into the bathroom to wash the blood off my hands.
"Where did you buy that?"
Everly's nightgown is nothing I've ever seen before. She blinks up at me from my own bed, and a pretty, sweet, knowing smile stretches across her face. Her nightgown is nothing more than straps and some fabric that's bunching up over her thighs, and the sheerness of it mocks me. She looks like what I've imagined every Amity bride looks like on their wedding night, if they looked like Everly.
Her hair falls down her back in pretty waves, undone from the braids she'd had it in earlier. Her feet are bare, her nails are pink, and she reclines back, tilting her head to watch me undress.
"Christina said you'd like it." She smiled at my disgust at Christina's name, but in this moment, I could scrounge up some gratitude that she'd shown Everly we had something like this.
"I do."
I answer easily, pulling the dark t-shirt over my head. I watch Everly's stare fall down from my face, to my chest, to the printed tattoo on my ribs. She eyes it carefully, reaching to touch it with her fingers, before smiling.
"Did that hurt?"
"No." I smirk, but the smirk falters when Everly grows pale.
Her already fair skin seems to lighten to a shade of transparency, and the darkness of her hair blurs into her skin.
"Why didn't you come find me?" She looks up slowly, and her eyes are greener than ever. "You just…you left me with her. You told me you'd look out for me."
Her dejection is clear as day, and her fingers lift from my skin.
She vanishes right in front of me, disappearing as if she'd never been here.
The first drink is the hardest.
I stare at the dark liquid in the glass, and I contemplate what will happen if I start. I'd never been one to find myself wasted, vomiting in the Pit or drunkenly taking home whoever I could find. If I was going to drink, it was controlled. Precise. Clean. There was no reason to get sloppy drunk when everything was on the line.
But now, the bottle is tempting. It's large and ornate, salvaged and refilled with something I can't quite remember. I can't remember anything, really. I hadn't slept very well last night, and my bed had felt cold. Empty. There was no tiny person from Amity shoving herself against me like she had every right to. No cold feet pressing upon my calves, no skinny arm thrown over my stomach.
I'd slept like shit, missing her so much that it was painful, growing worse as the hours clicked by. I lie there, remembering the very first time she'd ever slept against me, and how much better she'd looked in the morning. Like all she'd needed was me, and after that, nothing had been the same. Nothing.
I'd blinked to try to rid my eyes of the painful burn, and I'd closed them when the sun rose.
But now, it was sometime in the middle of the day. I'd done absolutely nothing. I hadn't bothered to get dressed and I hadn't bothered to answer my phone. It had rung plenty of times; I could see the blinking messages piling up, and I could see the calls come in one after the other. I'd found myself unwilling to answer a single one, not even Rylan's persistent attempts.
I stand in my kitchen, and my fingers grasp the glass. It feels warm from the liquor, and that artificial warmth scores through my veins as I drink it down. The second is even better, hotter. The third makes my head blurry, and on the fourth, my vision follows.
The fifth drink, one sloppily over flowing onto my counter and all over my hand, lands me on the couch. I stay there, wallowing in my own self pity before the pulsing headache takes over.
I slowly start to lose it.
I dream of her daily. Nightly. In the few and rare moments where I fall asleep, her face fills my dreams, turning them from a pleasant, almost hysterical moment of utter relief, to warm, heavy horror when she disappears again. I wake up sweaty, my heart racing as though I've been running for hours on end, and my skin clammy.
On occasion, I stumble into the bathroom, and what I've drunk comes right back up.
I lose her over and over, and every single time, I'm just as powerless to stop it.
On a day when I make it into his office, Max hands me the envelope.
I take it from him hesitantly, and my insides are wound so tightly that it's hard to stand upright. I'd only come in here because my presence was required. I'd been asked to check in on things and see how they were going. But there had been no news, no word of where Everly was, and no further attacks.
"Eric," Max greets me cautiously, and his skin looks ashy. I squint at him, wishing I'd never walked down here. The lights hurt my eyes, and everything feels blurred at the edges. Like maybe this isn't real, and I'll wake up from this nightmare if I try hard enough.
"It uh, came for you today. I thought…maybe I should open it."
He stumbles over his words, losing all his eloquence as he takes in my appearance. I don't say anything back to him; I rip the bulky mess of an envelope open, ignoring the pieces that fall to his office floor.
I swallow heavily, tilting the paper so my wife's wedding ring can slide out of it. It lands in my palm, heavy and cold and purposeful.
"Eric…"
He says my name in a painful manner, and I know he's affected by this as well. He'd looked out for Everly with a very vested interest, and I'm starting to think it might not have been simply because she'd help further his numbers.
"Eric…it's a trap. She's not…she can't be…"
He doesn't finish his sentence, and I don't stay.
I go home, the ring pressed into my palm, and eventually, I run out of things to drink in my apartment.
Days later, I find myself wandering aimlessly.
My office holds almost no appeal to me. I haven't checked my phone since I've been back, and the only place that feels remotely acceptable to going, is far down into Dauntless. I take the stairs two and three at a time, half hoping I'll miss a step and break my neck, and I arrive at the infirmary just as a slew of initiates do. I stare at them blankly, though they do their best to avoid looking right at me.
I knew that they were afraid of me, but now that I'd delved into full blown psychosis at the loss of my wife, they really were. A few dare to look a second too long, and my fists clench up. I could easily wipe the floor with the first one's face, irrationally jealous at the time he had spent with Everly.
He smartly looks away.
My eyes rake over them, their skin flushed and their eyes bright. They are alive, breathing pure energy as they wait to be examined by the infirmary staff. My mind dully reminds me that I'd brought Everly here when she was an initiate. That I'd sat in a too small chair, watching Arlene poke and prod her. I'm reminded of that now, as Arlene's fingers wrap around my arm with a steel like grip, and she forcibly drags me along to her office.
"You look like shit," She announces, shoving me into another chair – this one larger, and slamming the door shut. "I heard your mission was a failure but that doesn't mean it's the end of the world. The fuck is going on with you?"
I look up to her critical stare, and her eyes are glued to me in disappointment. I half wonder if she doesn't know what's gone on, or if she really and truly can find it in herself to be irritated by what's happened.
"What's going on with me?" I snap, and I stare at her, imagining her being shoved across her desk. "The factionless still have Everly. They sent back her wedding ring."
"What?" Arlene barks and her mouth falls open. "What do you mean they have Everly? I thought you went and got her. Max said-"
"No." I interrupt sharply, beyond pissed at her ignorance. "We went to get her back. She wasn't there. I didn't find her, nor could I get close to Evelyn. A few days ago, they sent me her ring. Today, I got the clothes she had on when they took her."
For once, Arlene doesn't say anything.
The silence is thick between us, and I can see her mind whirling.
"You didn't find her? I thought…they said everyone returned. I only heard what Max was listening in on." Her defense is weak and somewhat polite, but her expression is of utter shock. "You really…she's not back? I thought maybe she wasn't feeling well and that's why no one had seen her."
I stare at her, and she stares right back at me.
"And you think she's dead?"
I shrug and I keep staring at her. She's familiar, but unfamiliar with this look of sympathy now crossing her face. I find it irritating that she would pity me, and it does little to alleviate this heavy feeling I've been walking around with.
"I'm still going to look for her. I still think…" It's hard to finish my sentence, because at this point, it felt almost impossible to hold onto the belief that Everly was still alive. "I'm going to save her. I'll bring her back, no matter what it takes."
"Okay," Arlene steps closer, and this time, her gaze turns clinical. It's easier for the both of us with this look on her face, and she knows it. "Are you sleeping? You look like you haven't slept in a week. You can't go find her if you haven't slept."
"No," I answer flatly, and I drag my gaze back to hers. "I'm gonna go back to work. I have to plan something. I can't just sit here. I can't just…do nothing. She's going to know that I didn't come look for her."
"What have you been doing exactly?" Arlene asks, and I find myself growing hotly defensive.
"Nothing." I retort. "Nothing. I've been wallowing in my own self pity that I let her down. I let Everly get taken and I haven't been able to figure out where she is. So a whole lot of nothing is what I've got going on."
"Everly Coulter," Arlene emphasizes her last name. "will be just fine and you know it. You trained her to survive. If she can pass your training and being married to you..." Arlene is right in front of me, and the urge to shove her out of my way is overwhelming. "Then she'll be alright. Don't give up. But you know what, I'll give you something to help you sleep. Just…even one night. You'll feel better."
"I don't want it."
I press my palms to my eyes until it hurts. The nights were the worst. That was when I usually dreamt of her, and it made me wish I'd never woken up because when I did, Everly still wasn't there.
"I'm fine. I can manage on my own." I rise up from the chair, regretting coming down here. "I didn't know you didn't know what had happened."
"Well," Arlene looks odd, the discomfort creeping in the longer she stands there. "I wasn't aware. I…I like Everly and I'm sorry this is happening. But I don't think this is over. Not by a long shot."
I wait for her to say something else. To point out that she'd been right along. That I'd drug my feet on everything related to Everly for stupid reasons. That I should have let myself love her long before I did. That I should have told her how I felt instead of making her pry it out of me like some dark secret. That I should have given in, and perhaps Everly would have been waiting for me upstairs, just like always.
That I should have done everything differently.
I leave wordlessly, but not before Arlene forces her arms around me. The action is awkward and uncomfortable, but I stand there, having no clue what else to do.
Nothing gets better.
It mostly gets worse.
I find Four, looking at me like the weight of what he's done might just be his undoing. His stare slinks over the initiates, slippery and quick, like he's hoping I'll confront him again because he knows he deserves it. He'd done his best to help how he could; in a slim hope of rectifying his sins, he'd found Rylan and spilled every ounce of information he had all over again. He'd offered up the locations he knew, tiny things about Evelyn that he thought would be helpful, and what he thought she'd do next. The words had been fast and helpless, and he did his best to wash his hands of his involvement. Rylan had been appreciative, but it wasn't enough.
Four knew it.
The look he carried would have been painful, except that I couldn't bring myself to find a single speck of sympathy for him.
Or anyone involved.
Karl had been brought before me once more. He'd been marched in with Max, but in a weird, vague attempt to rectify the situation. Karl looked ready to snap, every ounce of confidence sucked out of him, and his hair was a mess. In some ways, we mirrored each other. I'd barely gotten dressed, barely eaten, and could barely see straight. But it felt better this way, like I didn't quite deserve anything else.
Karl had apologized, and his voice cracked when he said Everly's name.
It stung, just like any time anyone mumbled it, and I had a hard time focusing on him. I eventually dismissed him, because it was a little too much like watching myself slowly deteriorate.
On a day that feels darker and gloomier than the rest, I walk past Christina in the hallway. I'd done my best to avoid everyone. I did what work I could in my office and went home immediately after. Seeing her doesn't quite feel real. My gaze doesn't register who it is until she's right next to me, and her stare is highly sympathetic. I hear the echo of her boots pass me when she calls my name, and I turn around slowly, wondering why she's there.
"Eric, are you okay?"
I stop in my tracks, and her words bounce off the wall behind me.
I can feel her stare on my own face, unshaved and pale, and in that moment, it feels overly critical. It's my own thinking: that I should be out finding my wife, when in reality, I can barely make it through the day.
Still, her gaze feels rather accusatory, and I don't appreciate it one bit.
And no, I was not okay.
"Fuck off, Christina."
I say her name nastily, well aware of the drop in her expression. I'd neglected to think that Everly's disappearance might affect others. She'd been so pivotal in my own life, someone who I'd found to be the center of my own universe, that I hadn't considered that the two girls she was friends with might have been feeling something.
Misery.
Horror.
Fear.
That's what Christina must be feeling right now. Because she takes a step away from me, just as I take a step toward her.
I act like someone else is in control of me. Without thinking, I reach for her, grabbing her arm tightly and yanking her forward a step with little effort. Her eyes widen, and she has the same look on her face as the time I held her over the chasm.
My breathing increases with the desire to bash her head against the wall.
I'm not surprised that I want to hurt her. I just want someone else to feel what I'm feeling, something so deep and unbalanced that I've started to think I can't possibly continue on if it doesn't let up. I want to hurt Christina the same way I hurt, and if I'm not careful, I will.
She must know; she does her best to wiggle away from me, and her voice shakes.
"Eric, I'm sorry. She's my friend too, you know. I...I… told Rylan I'd help you guys. I want her back just as much."
Her words burn.
I immediately let go of her.
Her eyes are wide and wet, and I know then that she's been holding in the same feelings I have. She looks at me pleadingly, and I step away from her, unable to look at her any longer. I leave her standing there, rubbing her arm where I grabbed her, and I storm off.
Her sorrow is almost as clear as mine, but there is nothing I can do about any of this.
Harrison bakes me a pie.
I stare at him like he's insane, and he shrugs through his odd, heavily fur lined coat.
"You need to eat. When I find your wife, I need you ready to go. Not dead from alcohol poisoning or taking a nap beneath your desk because you're too tired and weak to do anything."
"Thank you." I ignore his mild insult while I stare at the plate he's placed on my desk. "What is it?"
"Just eat it. It's good for you." Harrison snaps, and he huffs as he walks away. I poke the plate with one finger, pushing it as far away as I can.
I decide I definitely won't eat it.
Rylan does not appreciate my grabbing Christina.
For the first time in forever, he arrives at my office looking pissed off. Had I been looking closely, I'd see the stress eating away at him. His eyes were tired, and his mouth was set in a grim line. He'd been working just as hard as I had to find Everly, and the lack of results was just as wearing on him as it was on me. Had I been in my right state of mind, I'd have noticed the unease about him. The exhaustion that had been building in him.
But I don't.
I don't see anything but his dark scowl when he tells me to be nice.
I blink at him like he's suggested I walk around Dauntless hugging everyone, and he shakes his head.
"You could hurt her. You know that. She misses Everly just as much as you. Everyone does. We're all trying, Eric. But don't…don't go after Christina because she asked how you were doing. She just wanted to make sure you were alright."
I look up from my computer screen, and his gaze is just as accusatory as Christina's.
"I mean, I'm sorry about Everly, you know that. But don't be a dick just because-"
His words are unnecessary.
I stand up, and I walk around my desk quickly with the intent to make him leave. He immediately backs up a step because he can tell that I'm in no mood to deal with this. Friend or no friend, I could easily beat the shit out of him without much effort.
"Eric, okay, maybe calling you a dick was too much. I just…we're all on your side and you look so miserable and I can't fix this anymore than you can."
He doesn't get another word in.
I attack him just like I did Four, and his protest is loud as his head hits the shelf behind him. The awards that line my office wall fall to the floor, and they land loudly in a messy heap.
"Fuck, stop!"
He yells at me, fighting back the best he can. For a few moments there is nothing but a blur of his head hitting my wall, his fist hitting my jaw, and Harrison storming in to rip us apart. He holds us at arm's length, both breathing heavily, and he glares at us as Linda peeks her head in through the door to see if everything's alright.
It's not.
"Knock it off, both of you." Harrison threatens, and his voice is louder than I've heard before.
"Get the fuck out of my office," I hiss at both of them, and I lunge for Rylan again. Before I can get too close, Harrison knocks me back, and Rylan shoots me a dirty look as he rubs at his head. "Now."
"Shut up. You," he points at Rylan, "don't be a dick, yourself. Until you know what he's going through, keep your thoughts to yourself. Your girlfriend should have known better than to ask him stupid questions." He then pauses and looks at me. "And you- get it together. You don't have the right to attack everyone who looks at you. You've survived worse, and you'll survive this."
With that, he shoves us in opposite directions, and Rylan smooths his shirt down.
"Fine, sorry." He mutters. "I'll tell Christina to stay out of your way."
"Fine." I snarl.
Harrison grabs Rylan by the arm and drags him toward the door. "Eric, take a day off. Go home before this gets worse."
Linda watches with wide eyes, reaching for Rylan as though he's an injured child. He throws me one dark, miserable look, and I throw him one right back.
He and Harrison leave, shutting my office door with slightly more force than necessary. The remaining awards shake slightly, and one more falls off.
I contemplate throwing all of them right in the trash.
Or at the next person who comes in.
Eventually, everyone tires of my shit.
I take some of Harrison's advice and I throw myself back into work, having no clue what day it is or what I should be doing. But I try; I scan over the paperwork that's sent to me, I scour every route and patrol, every note and mark detailing what they've seen. I listen to Harrison talk about war strategy and our next move. I listen to Max, put in order after order to keep looking, and I join in whenever I can.
Once I've done all I can to review everything I can, I feel somewhat sane. But I lose it when I watch the security feed again.
I'm given the tapes spanning the week she was taken, handed to me by Kacie. I watch them in the control room, and what little semblance of my sanity I have left slips away with each passing one.
I see her.
I see Everly, smiling as she walks to work. I see Everly and myself, walking through Dauntless together, as close as possible. I see the way she looks up at me, sometimes like she's checking just to make sure I'm still there, and her fingers touch mine. I see her purposely grab my hand, her fingers sliding through my own, and I stop watching when I catch sight of myself kissing her outside the doors of the training room.
I find myself clicking out of the screen, ignoring the dull hum of the computers and the odd hiss of Kacie beside me.
She's called Rylan to come fetch me, and I have no choice but to follow after him.
He looks at me with one dejected expression, and I force myself to nod at him.
He and I eat lunch together, and for the thousandth time, I feel the stinging burn in my eyes that only goes away when I close them.
The screaming is ear-piercing.
The shrieks come from the members of Dauntless, lifting their glasses up high, toasting Everly's last days here. It seems to bounce off the walls, echoing endlessly, and growing louder as more and more of them pour in. They raise their glasses above their heads, spilling their drinks everywhere, and they chant her name for what seems like hours.
I watch them with little enthusiasm; they have been brought in and taken off their routes, given a reprieve from their endless hunt, all to celebrate the death of my wife.
I press on my temples, trying hard to ward off the headache that is starting.
I'd been able to make my way down here after Max pointed out that it was the least I could do to show the faction things would be alright, but I'd gone no further than to an alcove to the side, and I'd stayed there. I had absolutely no desire to join them, and no desire to talk to anyone. Those I'd passed had looked at me with stunned horror upon realizing I was here. I was a stark reminder of who Everly had been; even if they didn't know her, they knew who she was.
And now, they were honoring her time here.
It felt gross and completely crass.
I'd told Max absolutely not, but as the days had passed, the members had grown restless. Eventually, they'd demanded answers, and when Everly didn't return -but her things did- it was obvious we'd lost.
I had a hard time accepting it. I felt numb, like the news wasn't quite real, nor were the throngs of people chanting her name. Those who didn't know her are simply happy for the day of partying, relieved of their heavy workload. That had been at my own hand. I'd gone with a few of the patrols over the past few days, forcing them to look longer, harder, faster. I'd come back worn down, my eyes dull and my lips pressed together as we found nothing.
No faction had seen her.
The announcement had gone out yesterday, as a final plea that maybe someone had seen something. The responses came in slowly and were of no help. Jack's assistant had seen factionless running through, and one possibly had dark hair. Abnegation had seen nothing. Erudite sent back a snarky, pointed response asking if we were still working on this. Amity had eventually responded, with a polite no.
I didn't realize until later that night, that the name on the announcement was Evelyn not Everly, and they were looking for the wrong person
"Hey, uh, you want to get out of here?"
I look up to find Rylan, and he looks perturbed at the sight before him. His uniform jacket is askew, and his hair is a mess, like he's run his hands through it before walking over.
"I can't… I just can't bring myself to toast anything to her, you know. She was one of us. I never thought we'd be…here."
"Me either." I answer and his smile is forced.
"We can get a drink somewhere else. Somewhere quiet. Jason will meet us. He thinks it's obnoxious they did this today."
I nod. "Yeah. I told Max not to, but he felt it was appropriate given his position." I sigh, and I look back at him. "You never found anything? Anything?"
"No," Rylan shakes his head and frowns. "It's like her entire existence was erased. I keep thinking we'll find her. She'll just pop up out of nowhere and everything will be okay. I still think we might."
He sounds hopefully optimistic, and I step away from the wall.
"Let's get out of here."
The crowd roars again as a picture of Everly is flashed on the wall, and I stare at it until it vanishes.
It feels just as spectacularly shitty as one would imagine.
The lanterns in Clyde's grow fuzzy the longer I sit there.
I'd gotten dressed today because Max insisted I show up. He said that despite Everly's death, I was still to lead my faction. His words had sounded harsh while he spoke them, but the look on his face told me he knew my mental well being was unstable. I couldn't remember the last time I ate something that wasn't accompanied by an alcoholic beverage, and I couldn't remember the last time I slept longer than a few minutes at a time. I was running on nerves, on the coffee that someone had made purposely stronger than ever, and by the slim hope that I'd find Everly when I didn't expect to.
"I'll have another."
I dully tell Jason and Rylan this, slamming my drink down and watching it tip over from the unexpected force. We'd come here after leaving the Pit, the war cries of Everly's name eventually becoming too much to listen to, but it wasn't helping. It felt like she was all around me. Like her ghost was lingering in the air, hovering above the booth we normally sat in. I could see her looking up at me on my birthday, hinting that she loved me. I could see her sitting here on her birthday, looking up at me as I tried to make up for her father's death.
I could see her cheeks pink, as she squirmed against me while Rylan and Jason argued over the happy hour specials.
"Are you sure?" Jason eyes me warily, and his own skin is pale. They both looked exhausted, burnt out from working endless hours. "You uh, might want to eat something first."
"I'm fine." I retort, but my words are slow.
We'd been sitting here for an hour.
Maybe two.
Lucy had crept over without her usual look of annoyance on her face. It was replaced with one of horror and sympathy, and I didn't want it. She'd stared at me, her gaze sticking to my dark shirt and half way combed hair, and she'd frowned.
I'd always noticed her disdain for us anytime we came in here, but she seemed to like Everly. She was suspicious of me, but she was always happy to see Everly alive and well, like she was waiting for her to show up half dead.
I idly wonder if I should point out that her fear had come true.
"Let's order some more chips." Jason waves at someone over my shoulder, and I stare at him. Rylan nods his head enthusiastically, and he throws a smile my way. As if some chips and salsa would help ease the depression I'd slid into or make Everly return.
"You like chips," Rylan reminds me, and he nudges my arm.
I stare at him dully.
Rylan and I were fine. I'd mumbled a very low apology for attacking him, and he mumbled a very low apology for calling me a dick. We'd looked at each other, and I flashed back to the first time I met him. I'd sat by him in school, both of us in royal blue uniforms, and I'd found him annoying. He laughed at everything the teacher said, he'd barely been able to stay in his seat for longer than a minute, and he loudly yelled 'what the fuck' the first time he got in trouble in kindergarten.
His parents had almost disowned him. It became clear he had no interest in school, but he and I were paired up as reading partners, and he told me he was leaving as soon as he could. That he hated this place, and he had to get out.
He was five.
I told him I was leaving, too.
After that, we were inseparable.
I helped him do his school work, and he introduced me to the few other students I could tolerate being around. He became one of the few people who I could trust, and teachers quickly realized it was easier on everyone if Rylan was seated next to me. We spent years as the best of friends, dodging each other's parents and doing our best to piss them off. We'd only argued a few times, and it usually ended quickly.
To my utter irritation, I made the mistake of inviting him over. Not so he could enjoy one of Pamela's home cooked meals that Blythe tried to pass off as her own, but so we could hang out and I could pretend my life wasn't so shitty. Unfortunately for me, Daniel liked Rylan and took an interest in him whenever he was over. I'd never realized he was trying to find a way to squeeze himself into my life, and instead, I'd taken it out on Rylan.
He hadn't cared.
He liked Daniel, and the two of them bonded over dumb shit no matter how many times I scowled or swore at them.
When I decided I had no time for witchcraft and wizardry, I took an interest in Ashley, and Rylan fell to the wayside. He didn't like her, she didn't like him, and it was a divide that he lost out to.
When he showed up in Dauntless, I'd looked at him in surprise. I could remember him saying he would leave Erudite, and he had. I hadn't seen him at the choosing ceremony, nor had I looked for him. But there he was, with his messed-up hair, his big grin, and he'd walked right over to me. He cheerfully asked if I wanted to partner up, like nothing had happened, and I'd agreed.
Our bond was solidified once we met Jason. The three of us were immediately inseparable, and our mutual hatred for the resident Abnegation runaway bonded us for life.
Which was why I understood now, why he was staring at me like he was prepared for me to fucking bolt out of here. Like he knew I was close to snapping, that my life had been worn down to nothing. There was a high chance that I'd be executed once Jeanine got wind that I'd sent her life's work to another faction's leader so he could start to prosecute her, and there was a high chance it wouldn't matter to me.
I had nothing here.
I'd never noticed it before, but it was clear now.
"What?" I blink at him. "I don't want any fucking chips."
Rylan and Jason ignore me.
Lucy ignores me, too.
She does her best to set my drink down. She places it a careful distance away from me, closer to Jason than me, and I bet she's hoping he'll snatch it away. I reach over the table and grab it, and I drink it down quickly, before Lucy can take a step away.
"I said 'another round'," I bark at her, and when I look up, she looks apprehensive. Her hands are frozen, clutching the tray to her chest, and she shakes her head slightly. I realize she's looking at Jason and Rylan over me, and I immediately grow irritated. "Now."
She nods, taking off immediately.
"I, uh, maybe we should slow down." Rylan suggests, and it's a struggle to not snap at him. The longer I sat here, the worst of me emerged. I'd been doing nothing but drowning myself with bitter, heavy drinks to numb what I felt, and it was no longer working. The shitty feelings rose up no matter how much I drank, oozing out of my skin when I just wanted it all to fucking stop. It was bad enough that I'd lost Everly, but at the very least my mind could stop reminding me of it every single moment of every single day.
"No." I shake my head, and I motion at the empty glasses in front of me. "You want to celebrate. Then we'll celebrate. Here's to you, Everly Coulter."
I shove one of the empty glasses into the air, and I say her name nastily. I can feel it stick in my throat, and when Jason reaches for my arm to stop me, I drop the glass.
It shatters everywhere, exploding the minute it hits the ground.
"Eric, hey…let's uh, let's pay our tab and go. We can go home." Rylan bends over to pick up the largest pieces of glass, and he throws one worried look at Jason. "Tell Lucy-"
"No." I repeat again, just as Lucy appears with my order. She looks confused at the mess in front of her, and her boots crunch over the broken glass as she sets down another round of drinks. "Let's drink up." I grab the first drink I see, shoving it up high. The liquid sloshes everywhere, and Lucy takes a step back huffily. "Here's to my wife. Sorry that I couldn't keep you safe. Sorry that I got you killed."
"Dude, no." Rylan says firmly, and he presses his lips together tightly. "You've had enough."
He tries to grab the drink from me, and most of it spills onto the floor.
"Look, we'll do something." Jason tells me, and he stands up abruptly. "I'm going to pay. But we'll celebrate our own way. Not like this. And not while you're shit faced. When you're coherent. Everly deserves more than this."
He's right.
I stare at him, his features blurring together in front of my eyes, and I agree.
Everly deserved far better than this.
We drive to Amity.
I can't be quite certain when. What day it is. What time it is. Why I'd agreed to go along with them.
I'd taken a shower for a long time. Until I felt like the alcohol was no longer seeping from my skin and my hair was clean. I'd eaten something, some meal that Quinten had dropped off with a concerned scowl and a lingering look of unnecessary concern. I laced my boots up tightly, pulled my jacket on and left as the sun set.
Rylan had ordered fireworks.
He and Jason had gone back and forth over what to do. Over how the three of us could celebrate Everly's life in a way that meant something. Something real. They'd both looked to me, asking me what she would remember about them, and I'd felt queasy thinking about it. They hadn't known her long, but they'd accepted her from day one. They'd given her the support she needed, far before I even thought about her in any way other than as my initiate.
She'd known them as my friends, as two people in Dauntless who were always up for a good time, and rarely were down.
But it was more than that.
She'd known them as two people who she could trust and who had her back.
And I'd told them she liked their fireworks.
They'd both looked at me first in confusion, then smiled.
I could still remember her watching them, mesmerized by something so trivial, just because it was pretty. They were behind it, that very moment where I'd stared at her, realizing I wanted to tell her I loved her. They'd pushed me to admit what I felt for her, and without them, I may not have ever acknowledged it.
I exhaustedly told them her favorite color was pink. Their faces had lit up, and Rylan went to find the guy who made them. He returned not long after, and we had plans to leave before the sun set.
It didn't feel right or fitting, but there was nothing that would. Once I'd sobered up, my entire body ached with what I'd done. My hands hurt, my bones hurt, and my chest felt like it had been ripped open and left that way. The painful realization that I had loved Everly beyond all measure was just as raw, but there was a comfort in it. That she had known what I felt for her. Our time together, the moments when she was everything I could have wanted or needed, it had all been worth knowing her.
I knew I may never have her again.
I would certainly never feel for anyone the way I had felt for her.
But I could honor that.
For her.
"Here."
My voice is hoarse as we find a clear area as close to Amity as we can get without being noticed. It's sparse enough that the fireworks will hit nothing when they eventually return to earth.
"I think this is far enough." I set the pile down, and next to me, Rylan smiles his approval. He surveys the area, nods in agreement, and motions for Jason to join us. His arms are full of the explosives, sloppily labeled with the word 'pink' on them.
Fifteen minutes later, we light them off.
I suppose honoring her this way is the closest to any sort of closure I'll get. Standing in the dark woods, lighting something that could blow up in my face, only to explode in the sky in brilliant bursts of pink seems appropriate. We are silent as we set them off, and I can feel each one echo through my entire skeletal system as the loud bangs grow noisier and noisier as the fireworks increase in size.
We watch them in silence, quiet as they burst so loudly I expect half of Amity to appear.
"Three more." Rylan informs us, and we watch as the one he'd lit a few moments ago explodes into a glittery smatter of pink and white streaks.
It hurts my eyes, but I force myself to watch.
The forest falls silent, until Jason steps forward.
"To Everly Coulter. We didn't know you for long, but we'll never forget you." Jason announces as he lights the last one he has. He takes a step back, saluting as it shoots into the air, and explodes in a burst of crackles. "There was no one shorter than you in Dauntless, and there never will be again."
After a moment, the pink sparks fizzle out, popping loudly, and my eyes burn.
"To Everly. Your last name was Coulter from the start. I hope you know how hard we looked for you. And we…" Rylan stops, and his voice grows tight. "We won't ever forget who you were. Here's to you, Everly Coulter."
This one explodes, pink and white, and I squeeze my eyes shut. They are wet, burning and hot.
I light the last one, and I stare as it sails right into the darkness, lighting up the night sky as it explodes. The color hangs in the air for a long time, keeping the forest lit up, until eventually, it turns smoky and slowly disappears. I stare at the sky, feeling a cold breeze brush over my neck, sliding over the blocks on my throat.
"I'm sorry."
I can't say anything else.
I stand there until the sky is completely dark and the wind howls.
I grit my teeth.
Everyone in Dauntless returns to their business at a snail's pace.
After Everly's official celebration, things quiet down in the worst way. Slowly. There is a roar of unease that comes out of nowhere, and people still demand action. A few question what we are doing. Some ask if we're still looking for Everly, despite announcing her death. I go through the motions of each day, typing her name every time I log into my computer, with complete and total disassociation. I do my best to pretend that she isn't really gone. That I hadn't lost it in the woods, only when I was sure my friends were far enough ahead they wouldn't notice. I refuse to change my password, I refuse to take off my wedding ring, and I refuse to answer them.
I work.
Endlessly.
In turn, I slip back into an Eric who is familiar and comfortable.
I am angry.
Furious.
Malicious.
I watch happy members walk past me, hands on their significant other, and I stare them down until they flinch. I separate husband and wives on patrol routes. I refuse to see Christina. I snarl at Tris until she steps away from me, her eyes closing as I tell her not to ask me anything ever again.
I return to my work with a vengeance. I tell Jeanine to fuck off, and I call Jack desperately, ignoring the gnawing concern when he doesn't answer. I tell Daniel never to call me again when he asks how I'm doing, and I physically shove Arlene out of my way when she catches up to me in the hallway.
I feel the anger coursing through me, and while no better than the depressed melancholy, it is bearable. I channel it how I can, but even my friends are careful. Jason does his best to make sure I don't murder anyone, and Rylan makes sure I eat. Our lunches are tense, drawn out and uneasy. I throw my laptop at the wall when Everly's picture somehow disappears from it, and I slam my apartment door hard enough that it nearly breaks when her brand new point card is sent to me.
I don't drink anything.
I carefully hang up her clothes that come back in my laundry. I line up her shoes. I toy with the nail polish and her hair ties, and I wipe off her nightstand. I refuse to admit she's dead, even when I eventually tuck her wedding ring away into my drawer.
I make sure Four pays for what he did.
I find him in the control room, and his posture caves when I take away every single inch of freedom he has. I remind him I'm fully prepared to have him held accountable for helping the factionless, and it's at my own mercy do I ease up when he accepts it all. He tells me he'll do whatever he can to take them down, including Evelyn. His confession, spoken once more -in front of Max and Harrison, is like spikes to my insides.
I leave him training the class, and I take him out of the control room.
Things slowly fade back to the way they were before Everly.
They are rotten and angry, waves of complete and utter destruction at my own hands.
I don't bother to try and hide it.
Jack shows up at lunch.
He's led to my office by Linda, and she ushers him in without saying much. She's quickly learned that the less we interact, the better it is for all of us.
"You have a visitor." She quickly informs me when I glance up from my keyboard, and I look at her with a scowl.
"No shit." I respond, just as Jack takes the seat across from my desk. He smiles tightly, adjusting his jacket as he makes himself comfortable. "Thank you for letting me know."
She must be gracious at my thanks, because she leaves immediately, and Jack watches her.
"It seems like everyone here is in a pretty rotten mood these days." He stares at me, and I wonder what on Earth he wants. He hadn't returned any of my messages, and his assistant would only drone on and on about how busy he was. I didn't appreciate being pushed aside, but it was more than likely my own fault. "How are you doing, Eric?"
"I'm fantastic." I answer sarcastically, and I raise an eyebrow at him. "Why haven't you returned any of my phone calls? You've been harassing me for months, and suddenly you can't be bothered to-"
"I was writing the proposal." He cuts me off, and he sits up straighter. "I got a bit…lost in it. There was so much information. So many items to go through. You sent me more than enough to prosecute Jeanine. Even a single page would have sufficed."
So that's what he'd been doing.
I look directly at him and I notice he looks very pleased with himself. "You have it ready?"
"Well," he begins, "I want you to read it first. Then, obviously, I'll have to file it with the other Leaders as an order to have her put on trial. But what you've given me is pretty indicative of her plans. They very clearly spell out just what she was doing. From the illegal and inhumane testing of those she deemed Divergent, to her criteria for Divergence, which changes drastically depending on the day. The serums meant to control the citizens of each faction with no other purpose. Requesting you bring her whomever she pleased. The improper use of factional resources. Mismanaged funds. It's all there. I can't think of a single Leader who wouldn't be on board to prosecute her to the fullest for committing such crimes against the factions."
My mouth goes dry.
"My name is on all of that." I point out. "On every page."
"Right." Jack agrees. "I went around that for a while. The best defense I have is, once you admit you had nothing to do with her after a certain time, she used you. That she was sending you the information. There's nothing to indicate you were a driving force behind it. You could be found guilty by association, but if we word this well enough, and you testify that you're no longer involved in these projects, I think we can overlook it. Your ego might take a hit, but it's better than being incriminated with her."
He stops, and I know what's coming.
"It'll look even better when you bring her in."
"I see." I sit back in my chair, and nod. "You want me to bring her to Candor?"
"Yes. You and I will sign off on the papers I've drafted. They'll go to all the other Leaders but her. You bring her to Candor, we place her on trial, and she'll be punished according to the ruling."
"Punished by?"
"Execution. There is no way she'd be able to walk freely after the things she's worked on. Once this gets out, she'll be unable to return to any of the factions. They will unanimously vote in your favor."
"Abnegation and Amity won't vote to have her executed." I answer slowly. "They abhor violence. They'll ask that she be made factionless or…or…"
"They won't. At the risk to their own factions, they'll be voting in an appropriate manner regardless of how violent or nonviolent the sentencing is. We'll remind them they're only furthering her future attempts on their own people if they don't. They either side with us, or Jeanine. And after they read these reports, they'll side with us." Jack Kang smiles at me again, and his posture is relaxed.
I take a second to skim his report, flipping through the pages quickly until I find what he's proposing. This doesn't bring back Everly, not by a long shot, but it does make things feel marginally better.
"Okay." I agree, and the weight that's been resting on my shoulders lifts a fraction of an inch. "Okay. I'll bring her to Candor."
Jack crosses one leg over the other and smiles triumphantly.
"You just let me know when."
I tell Rylan while I get dressed.
He sits on the bed in the same spot Everly used to, watching me zip up my jacket. I would be unnerved by the sight of him sitting there, eating toast where I slept, but he'd shown up drunker than ever and mumbled that Christina wasn't speaking to him.
I was tired when I answered the door, so I didn't really remember much after that. I let him in, he stumbled by me, and collapsed into a sulky, booze induced nap that wound up with him sleeping on the couch.
At least, I'm assuming he did.
I'd woken up to find him in my kitchen, gagging as he buttered toast and asking if I wanted some. He'd then followed me into my bedroom, sat down like he owned the place, and shoved the toast in his mouth while I told him what I'd done.
"Fuck yeah," he mumbles, swallowing down an extra burnt piece. "I'm in. Is the thing coming to me?"
"Yeah, it's on your desk. You'll be expected to be in Candor with me. Today." I examine my reflection in the mirror, squinting at my hair. I'd had it cut after Jack left, making sure it was as short as the dingy girl was able to cut it. "Jason, too. There's a chance she'll try to drag me down with her, so just be prepared.
I turn to look at him, and something nags at the back of my mind. "Didn't you get the letter? Jack sent them out yesterday, as soon as I signed it. I've been waiting for you to say something."
"Really?" Rylan looks up, and his hair has butter in it. "I must have missed it. But I'll be there. Hey, if, and this is a big if, but if you go down with her, can I have your hair gel? Your hair always looks better than mine."
I stare at him through the mirror, and for the first time in what feels like a year, he smiles.
"Just kidding. It looked like shit last week. But really, can I have your office? Mine's way smaller."
I roll my eyes, but he's a welcome distraction. I'd spent the past day on edge, momentarily forgetting why I hated everyone in this faction, as I waited for Jeanine to show up. Or call. Screaming, that I'd ratted her out like some low level snitch. Coming to kill me in the middle of the night.
"Okay, then can I be in charge of keeping tabs on Four? I'm getting really good at following him. I'd say he's caught on, but he's an idiot so I think we're still good."
I let out a bark of laughter at his latest assignment.
It hurts, something deep and painful in my chest, but it feels good. As good as it can.
"Knock yourself out."
I leave Rylan sitting on my bed, eating his breakfast, still contemplating the things of mine he'd like to keep in the off chance that I die. I think of it the entire drive to Erudite, and I only stop when I walk into Jeanine's office.
"Just what is so pressing in Candor that couldn't come to me?"
Jeanine speaks slowly, pushing her hair behind her ears and sighing heavily. I'd arrived in Erudite right before lunch, and I'd shown up in her office unannounced. Since returning to Dauntless, I'd told her off and refused to return her messages. I hadn't found Evelyn, nor had I found any sort of normalcy in my life, but I had found the desire to right things where I could. Starting in Erudite. Jack had left me a copy of what he was sending out- the list of questionable offenses and crimes he was accusing Jeanine of, and I'd sat for an hour, reading through it, line by line.
The list of offenses was serious. There was no way she'd be found innocent, and neither would I. I was holding onto the slim hope that by bringing her in personally, I was proving I wasn't involved anymore. That I hadn't been for a while.
There was still a large chance this could go wrong.
I'd told her Jack and I wanted to meet with her, and she'd agreed. Suspiciously, but pleased enough that I was working on something. She wrongly assumed she still held my entire world over her head. That without her, I was nothing, and my entire success was her doing.
She was wrong.
I knew it, but Jack had reassured me of this.
Not that I needed him to, but he'd pointed out that I'd worked in Dauntless for years, and my time there wasn't for naught. I'd earned my position as a Leader no matter how it had come about. I would have been offered it with or without her assistance and no one would take that away from me.
Especially not after I exposed her.
"Eric?"
Jeanine asks again, and her tone is irritable. She looks at me out of the corner of her eye, not at all pleased that I'd driven us there. She preferred her sleek and shiny cars, and I'd all but forced her into the Dauntless truck and slammed the door shut so she couldn't get out.
The entire drive I was quiet, thinking of all the things I could possibly be asked, including how was I turning my own relative in.
It had to be done.
"He didn't quite say. But it's good for you to make an appearance here, especially given how things are right now." I look over at her, and she nods her head after a moment.
"Fine."
She's silent as I park, and she awkwardly climbs out of the truck once I open the door. For a second, she stares at me, her gaze heavy and harsh, and I wonder if she knows I've set her up.
"Still nothing on your little wife? Did you ever find her? Because if you didn't, my offer still stands." She doesn't quite smile at me, but it's there. Her amusement, hidden behind her icy expression. I ignore her, and I shove her forward toward the heavy doors of Jack's office.
"No thanks. I'll find her. I don't need your help."
She jerks her arm away from me, stumbling over the step and glaring at me. "You better watch yourself, Eric. Don't forget what I said about your mother and father." She hisses the reminder at me, and I smile.
"Oh, I won't."
I watch her walk ahead, her blonde hair sharp and straight, and she pauses at the elevators. She punches the call button, turning to look at me when I walk up beside her.
"After this is over, I need to talk to you about your next project. I have some things you can get started on. I've overlooked your insolence for long enough."
I smile again, quietly taking my place beside her, and I push the button for Jack's floor.
We walk into his office together, through the heavy doors, and her head snaps toward me when she realizes who's waiting for her.
Everyone.
"How do you plead to the charges?"
Jeanine stares at me from beside Jack, and her gaze is livid enough to kill. Her whole face has gone slack, but she maintains her composure, pushing her shoulders back and standing up straight.
"You can't honestly be serious, right now."
She speaks loudly. Her voice is clear, and her confidence is unwavering given the circumstances.
She'd walked into what felt like a slaughterhouse. For years, I'd been on her side of things. I'd have sauntered in with her, sneering down every person in this room. Andrew Prior, looking tense and impatient. Max, Tori, Jason, Rylan. Harrison, leaning against the desk and chewing on a packet of sunflower seeds. Someone from Amity who I didn't know, but he was tan and tall and looked nervous to be here. Next to him, someone else from Amity, smiling nervously at me. Jack, Jack's assistant, Jack's assistant's assistant.
Ashley.
I'd summoned her separately. I'm sure she thought it was an honor to be involved in my unspecified invitation, and she'd shown up early.
For her bosses' trial.
"We are serious. Very serious. These charges have been brought forth to every faction. Your goal for peace amongst the factions will never happen when your motives are for your own benefit. There is no way we can let you continue with what's been going on."
"And how did this…information come to you?" Jeanine presses her lips together, and her eyes flash to Ashley. Ashley's eyes widen at the accusation, but I feel no sympathy for her. I can admit she looks pale. Like she might throw up all over the chair she's standing in front of. Rylan stands next to her, smirking as she looks left and right, clearly panicked.
"It…it wasn't me." Ashley's voice is a high squeak, and she takes a step back, stepping on Rylan's foot. He pushes her forward, and she struggles to regain her balance in the center of the room. "Jeanine, please. I didn't…I didn't send him anything."
"This is preposterous. You know I've worked harder than anyone to help the factions by any means necessary." Jeanine steps forward then backward, having nowhere else to go. "I've dedicated my life to further not only the Erudite way of life, but for each and every one of you." She pauses, and her head turns to look right at me. "Some of you more than others."
I can feel everyone staring at me, but it doesn't bother me.
I'm looking at Jeanine right in front of me, and all I can see is myself. The work I've done, the things I did that I thought were right, and the reason I stopped.
Because of Everly.
I see Everly, standing next to her, being drug into her office to be tested on. I see Everly, holding onto me at night, fingers in my hair, moving closer so she wasn't cold. I see Everly, slipping away from me, as the result of my actions.
I can't change that situation, but I can change this.
"I brought you here. Not just to be placed on trial, but because I'm the one who turned you in."
I speak just as clearly as Jeanine, and her eyes widen.
"What?"
"I've been privy to your information for a long time now, but I recently realized what your aim is. That the people who you brought in to be tested and experimented on, weren't walking away from these experiments. That because of your position, you have the ability to manipulate and twist things to your liking. I can no longer stand by as an active participant. My job is to protect the factions, and today, I will do just that."
Jeanine's lips part, and her hands clench together. Her rage is subtle, but it's there. She takes a slow step toward me, and stares directly into my eyes.
"After all I've done for you, this is how you repay me…" She starts, and I shake my head.
"You've also threatened the lives of the head neurologist and your head psychologist. You'd harm two important individuals in Erudite to make sure you got your way?" I cock my head at her, and Andrew Prior crosses his arms over his chest. "Once you're done with me, where does it stop? Is it when Johanna doesn't give you what you want? Or Abnegation refuses to use your serums? When Jack realizes the truth serum is laced with a mind control aspect that you failed to mention."
"Your mother was right about you." Jeanine says the words lowly, laced with the utmost of hatred. "I should have listened to her. I should have known you were-"
"I think we can all assume that you're pleading guilty?" Jack interrupts, and he gestures for his assistant to step forward. "If you refuse to answer me, then we'll proceed as usual. We don't want to drag this out any longer than necessary."
"You're all in agreement with this?" Jeanine looks around the room wildly, and her fists clench and unclench. "All of you? You think that…I…I am responsible for all this? That what they're saying is true?"
It takes a minute. There's no moment of truth, because all from Dauntless nod right away. It takes the two from Amity a moment of glancing at each other to nod their heads slowly. They don't want to, but they don't have a choice. Andrew nods last, and his gaze is fixed on me. I can tell he's not sure, but the evidence was sent to him, clear as day.
"Fine then. I suppose I can plead guilty to enforcing the codes our factions live by." Jeanine glances around the room once more. Ashley makes a whimpering sound as Jack looks at her, knowing her association will come up eventually. I watch Jeanine turn stare to me, and when I stare her down, her face contorts into a mask of rage. She takes off in my direction, lunging for me with everything she's got.
She doesn't get far.
It's highly unlikely she'd do more than manage to scratch me, but her attempts are thwarted. By Jason. By Rylan. By Jack.
He stands before her, his jacket pristine and his eyes bright as he holds her back.
"Your list of offenses will be posted in every faction. They will be made visible to all, and all questions will come to faction leaders. You will be held to the highest punishable standards of Candor, up to and including execution."
Jeanine doesn't make a sound.
She stares me down, until Jason and Rylan have handcuffed her.
"Do you have any last words?"
I stand behind her, eyeing her warily. Jeanine Matthews. My aunt, Blythe's sister, Leader of Erudite. On her knees with her arms twisted and bound behind her back. Her blonde hair blows in the wind, and under the harsh sun, she seems ghoulish. Her eyes are dull. Her skin has grown wan at the knowledge that her life will be ending soon, and it was only out of sheer curiosity did I ask her such a thing.
"Do you really think I deserve this?" She asks lowly. Quietly.
The breeze picks up again, harsher and colder, and it slips over the two of us.
"I do." I answer honestly, and I rock back on my heels, keeping my gaze straight ahead.
After everyone had left Candor, Jack had shaken my hand. Max, Harrison, Jason, and Rylan and I were to take Jeanine outside, and once her heart had ceased beating, we would file an official death with Candor. From there, the process of finding a new Leader of Erudite would begin. The search would be overseen by Dauntless and Candor, to ensure their new leader had nothing but pure intentions.
I'd walked Jeanine outside myself, escorting her by the arm, and pushing her into the wet grass. She hadn't refused the sentencing any more than she could, and she'd watched Ashley flee in utter horror. Jack had told her they'd be in touch, and Ashley had all but cried on the spot.
She'd gotten off lucky, though.
Had anyone asked him to, Jack would have prosecuted her as well.
"You were just as involved. You helped me-"
"You refused to let me find Everly. You let her die at the hands of the factionless because you didn't like her. You offered me a replacement so I'd go back to helping you." I say the words through gritted teeth, and they hurt. They sting the inside of my mouth, and I have to swallow to keep going. "You don't deserve to live for that alone. But your offenses against the factions justify your death just as much."
"Are you going to do it?" Jeanine asks tightly, and I step forward.
My gun had been loaded since this morning.
I'd slid the clip into the gun, making sure I had enough bullets. Logically, I knew that with a clean shot, it would only take one. The gun felt heavier than normal in my hand, and even now, it feels cold. Jason had offered to be the one to shoot her, and so had Rylan.
But I needed to do it. I needed to end this once and for all, and perhaps in her death, I'd be able to move forward.
Or not.
But at the very least, I'd be sure she was dead.
I press the barrel of it against her temple, and she doesn't move.
"Everly would have figured you out, eventually. I was just trying to save you from that inevitable downfall."
I don't believe her.
"Eric, please. Think about what you're doing. Think about who has cared about you. Looked out for you. Been there for you. Given you what you wanted. You really think you'd have done this all on your own?"
"Yes."
I answer all her questions with a pull of the trigger.
Her death is instant. The gunshot is loud, and she immediately collapses, falling onto her side before I'm certain it's pierced her skin. Her eyes stay open, glassily fixed on the sky, and I look away when Rylan steps beside me, carefully avoiding her blood.
"Good thing you didn't give me your office just yet."
His words make me smile for the barest of seconds. My name hadn't come up, not yet. It still could, but I would be prepared. Ready to face what I'd done. But for now, they'd overlooked my participation since I'd kept my word to Jack.
He'd kept his word as well.
Max appears a moment later, along with Harrison and Jason, and we hold a moment of silence for the former leader of Erudite.
She doesn't deserve it, but we give it to her anyway.
I make the official announcement with Max.
It's prepared by Jack, and he stands in front of us, watching to make sure we recite it with absolute confidence since it's recorded for all the factions to see. It'll be broadcast with a slight delay, but they'll be receiving this news as they should- all at once.
His assistant motions for us to begin, and Max clears his throat.
He stays silent, his hesitation appearing out of nowhere, so I speak up. I'm the one who executed her, so I might as well be the one to spread the news.
"Today we would like to announce that Jeanine Matthews has been executed due to her crimes against the factions. It is with deep regret that we mourn the loss of a brilliant mind, but we are a city that strives for peace, and Jeanine had chosen to search for peace of a different definition. We ask for your utmost respect on this matter."
I stop, and the words are heavy as I speak them. I have a hard time conjuring up any sort of faux, appropriate empathy, and I come off just as cold as I feel. "Her replacement will be announced in the next few days. A list of complete offenses will be available for any of the concerned factions who deem it necessary. Any further questions may be asked to your faction leaders."
I nod at Jack. He nods back, and the weight of the day hits me. I'd executed my own aunt, cleared my own name the best I could, and would now begin the long and drawn out process of helping find a new Leader.
Despite what I thought earlier, it doesn't feel all that much better.
I step back, joining Max and Harrison. One of Jeanine's head researchers steps forward, having been plucked from Erudite only to make sure their presence was represented during this announcement. He recites his line quickly, rubbing at his neck when he steps back.
"Let this be a reminder that peace is not only an obligation in our city, but an honor. Good afternoon."
Jack nods his final approval.
"Well done. Thank you for your help in this matter."
He smiles tightly at everyone, not in delight, but appreciation for how this all worked out. I can still think of the very moment he asked me to help him, playing me just as I played everyone around me, backing me into a corner until I agreed.
I'm grateful for his persistence now.
He and I talk briefly. He thanks me, his hand lingering on my arm, and I tell him I'll keep him updated on the candidates. It's clear I won't be rid of him anytime soon, but perhaps he'll accomplish what Jeanine spoke of. He beat her at her own game, forcing a connection and relation where she never could.
We decide we will meet again in a week, and the rest of us leave Candor shortly after.
Upon our return, Dauntless is in an uproar.
The execution of a Leader is big news, but more so is my admission that I'd helped Jeanine all along. I'd subtly outed myself, when most of Dauntless learned that I had, in fact, been the one to execute her. It was no surprise that there were mixed feelings. Some felt I should have gone down with her, having been given confirmation of the fascinating little stories they'd heard about for years, and the other half found bravery in what I'd done. Had I not turned her work into Jack and risked my own life, she'd still be sitting in her office, working her fingers to the bone to find a way to control us all.
But it doesn't matter.
Their stares are met with my hard gaze, and I look right through them.
I'd walked along the same path that she once did, but I'd figured out that if I stayed on it, I'd end up right along beside her.
Four watches me while I walk past the groups in the Pit, and there's a hesitance in his stare. I can tell he badly wants to say something, but I don't bother to acknowledge him.
I head to my office, and I realize the amount of work I have to do has nearly tripled.
The messages begin not long after.
I open up my email to a slew of them; one after the other, piling up until I can't see where they end. Questions from other Leaders. Candidates for Erudite. Multiple emails from Daniel. One from Blythe that I immediately delete. Arlene, demanding that I either come see her or tell her to come see me. Jason, asking if I'd like to get dinner to celebrate or was I still claiming I didn't like chips.
I do my best to weed through them, answering the most urgent ones first. The candidate emails are a surprising mess of their own, so I print those and figure Jason and Rylan and I can go through them over dinner. I work most of the afternoon away, and I don't stop until I've caught up on everything I possibly could. I sit back in my chair, staring at my computer, and an odd sense of calm washes over me.
Despite the permanent empty space in my chest, I feel somewhat like myself.
I revel in the feeling for a moment. I go to move the mouse to click out of my email, when the screen changes. I watch as it flashes to white, and a little icon appears announcing its attempt at a connection. It shows the name Johanna at the top, and I grit my teeth together.
Of course.
Out of all the Leaders, she'd be the one to want to call me and discuss it.
I can see her now, her displeasure all over her face, even though her faction had chosen to proceed with the trial. Perhaps thinking I'd tricked her members into agreeing with me. Her disdain for our method of dealing with Jeanine, and a lengthy lecture on how she would have handled it.
And I'm sure, falsely polite commentary at my involvement in it all.
The connection beeps its success, and there is a delay until the picture appears. I hear a small child shrieking, banging on Johanna's desk, and then something mumbled. I don't look up, because my patience officially runs out.
"Johanna." I bark at her, but she doesn't respond. I say her name again, and nothing, only someone muttering so lowly I can barely hear them.
"Do you need something, Johanna?" I snap the words at her, and her office falls silent. The screen flashes as the camera comes into focus, and it's pulled back toward the desk chair by someone.
I grow even more irate, considering I've just spent hours trying to find a suitable way to route all of the patrols both through Amity and where the factionless were last spotted, hours trying to figure out who would be a good fit in Erudite, and hours reading emails about people's thoughts on Jeanine's death.
"I don't have time for this." I snarl the words at her, fully expecting to see her face fill my screen.
But it's not her that I see.
It's Everly.
I stare in slow, delayed shock as Everly stands there, staring at the screen. She's looking right at me, and for a split second, I don't believe it's her.
But it is.
Her eyes are large and green, and her dress is a pale pink color. Her hair tangles down over her shoulders, and she looks paler than I remember. Smaller. I wait for her to say my name, to blurt out why she's there, or that she's alright.
But she doesn't.
She stands there looking at the screen in confusion, and her expression is one I've seen multiple times.
Like the time I'd helped her fix the email on her phone. Or the time I'd told her she had to be up at four thirty in the morning.
My own expression is complete and utter disbelief.
Because it's her, very much in Amity, and very much alive.
"Everly."
I say her name as I stand up, staring in utter desperation. I had spent days thinking she was dead. Weeks attempting to dull the rage I felt. The horror. The way I missed her. The way I'd loved her. I grow dizzied with rage that she's in Amity, that Johanna knew she was there, and hadn't bothered to say one fucking word.
She doesn't move.
Her gaze is fixed on me, her lips parting slightly as if she's about to say something. I have a million and a half things I want to ask her, and they all fight to be the winning statement.
"Everly."
I gasp her name.
Desperately.
I thought I'd never see her again. I'd thought she was dead, at the hands of Evelyn, and I'd struggled to cope with that. I'd drunk myself into oblivion. I'd lashed out at the only people who gave a shit if I stayed alive. Even now, my lungs feel ready to explode, and right before I can ask her what the hell she's doing in Amity, the small child wiggles his way past Everly. He hits the computer, and the screen goes black.
Just like she's gone again.
I yell her name loudly.
Loud enough that Rylan comes rushing in with Jason, and this time, all I can do is repeat her name again and again.
