Interlude 7 Part Three:
"So it turns out that Yune caused the Apocalypse a few years back," said Micaiah, blasé.
"Guys, we have company!" Naesala reported, easily spottable amongst the desert sand.
Sothe held up both of his hands for a time-out. "Okay, wait, wait, wait a minute! You can't just say 'oh by the way our ally nearly caused the end of all life because of a temper tantrum' and then just act like it's not a big deal! It's a huge deal! We're trusting this crazy goddess with our lives when she could kill us all again!"
"Zelgius is the Black Knight," said Ranulf before disappearing back to his own chapter.
"Who's Zelgius?" asked Micaiah.
"Never mind him!" Sothe snapped. "I refuse to let us pull an Ike and Ranulf, where you tell me critical information in a bored tone and I act like I don't care! I do care!"
"Let's get going! I need to go yell at Lekain!" Sanaki demanded, sauntering off through the sand. Everyone followed her, including Micaiah.
"Hey! Where are you going! Come back here!" Sothe demanded. He was ignored; he was starting to get used to it, but that didn't mean he had to like it.
"Hello Sanaki!" crooned Vice-Minister Lekain, "Let's cut to the chase. You're the second apostle because your older sister was murdered by pacifistic man-birds for no adequate reason!"
"Nooooo!" she wailed, distraught over the revelations.
"Now we'll solve all of our problems with a straight-up duel to the death, with my fifty-some units versus your twelve! That's clearly how the Goddess would have planned it, had she been here!" He cackled. "Ta ha ha, you suck!" Using his plot-device stick, he vanished to the other side of the map.
The battle started.
Sothe was losing his patience. "Okay, now wait a second. If your entire family was murdered by pacifists, how did you survive? And if your sister died, wouldn't you be the apostle anyway? Or is the system that specific? What if an empress had a boy?"
"What's your point, Sothe?" Sanaki demanded, tearful.
"My point is that this entire subplot sucks," he said, scowling. "You could be the real apostle and we'd still have a perfectly acceptable plot, but now they've retconned everything! I mean, how did you survive? More importantly, how did your big sister who is totally a spoiler survive and make it to another country? Even worse, how did all of these people survive the Serenes Massacre? They burnt down the forest, and yet, the King, Reyson, Leanne, Rafiel and their big sister – the one who gave the Medallion to Ike's mom – survived! How does that even work? Are the Senators of Begnion just really bad at killing things? Maybe that's it. In fact, now that I think about it, that explains pretty much everything." He smiled beatifically. "Yes, it does. I finally understand now. The entire plot and driving force of these games is that the Senators of Begnion are evil and they suck at killing things."
"I like you," said Sanaki, calming down and smirking again.
The scowl returned in full force. "Hey," he complained, "why can't I move? Thieves could run around on the sand in the last game, why did they take that away?" Sothe looked at the sky and shook his fist. "Why do you insist on making me terrible, game!"
"You're not that bad," said Leonardo, who was far worse.
"Compared to you, maybe, but if Volke were in this game I'd be completely redundant. If I'd gotten Lethality instead of Bane I would be completely awesome but noooooo." He kicked some sand dismissively. "This sucks."
"Oh my goodness!" Micaiah wailed, "They're so many of them and they're so powerful! Are we destined to perish here?"
"What?" asked some of her nearby companions.
Skrimir in particular was annoyed. "I haven't even gotten to transform yet and you're already lamenting? How weak are you, woman? We'll-"
"We're all going to die!" Micaiah snapped back.
The Black Knight appeared in the middle of the stage. He crossed his wrists in front of him and started to dance. "Oppan Black Knight style!"
The entire Dawn Army groaned in dismay even as Marcia put their complaints to words – "Crackerjacks and cheese he's a green unit!"
Somewhere, Soren's head exploded in repressed fury.
"Way to go Micaiah!" Edward told her, and it was obvious that even he was being sarcastic. "Thanks for summoning that tank to steal our experience when we totally don't need help!"
"You're welcome," she replied angelically.
"Ah, I see that they've gotten one reinforcement, which makes our numbers closer to fifty to thirteen," said Lekain, "Clearly these are not good enough odds anymore. This is my cue to leave." He turned to his fellow senator. "Goodbye, Senator Numida and your Hitler mustache. I hope you and your mustache can defeat these evil foes in the name of the Goddess. It would be such a shame to lose such an excellent example of facial hair."
"My mustache and I will prevail!" Numida vowed. Lekain, nodding, used his plot device stick to run away.
"Great. You panicked and summoned the Black Knight, which made the one person we wanted to kill run away. Damn it Micaiah!" Nolan snapped, losing his patience. "I refuse to talk to you anymore. I'm leaving." He turned and walked one space away.
Naesala, Harr, Tanith and Sigrun flew around killing everyone. Marcia and Jill flew around throwing axes and spears from a distance and missing. They weren't allowed to get too close, because if they did then they would die.
"Guys!" Micaiah cried, heartbroken that her friends were leaving her. "Don't go, I'm sorry!"
Without acknowledging her pleas, the other members of the Dawn Brigade continued to give her the cold shoulder, walking away one space per turn. It lessened the drama somewhat, but Micaiah was still heartbroken.
"Fine," she said, wibbling, "Fine, I don't need any of you! I still have the Black Knight! He's my best friend!"
The Black Knight killed a mook with Eclipse. "Not sure why I'm even here," he muttered to himself. "Can't move, no plot reasoning… I think I'm just here to be badass." He chuckled to himself. "That's silly. I'm always here to be badass."
"Hi Black Knight!" Micaiah cheered, catching up to him easily.
"I'm going to ask you to come with me after the battle," said he.
Micaiah scowled. "Huh? Why?"
Despite the fact that he was wearing a huge helmet, it was obvious that he was uncomfortable. "I don't know," he admitted. "It's orders from my Master. But I'm not sure why."
The two awkwardly looked at each other. "Well, I'm going to go now," she said carefully.
"Yeah. You do that."
As such, Micaiah was in tears as she ran away from her ex-friends, across the stage. The world was a cold, cruel place, filled with no real comrades, nothing good, no color except for that tuft of grass in the middle of the sand –
Wait, grass?
A head popped out of the sand, revealing that the grass had actually been a full head of spiky green hair. "Hello," the head said pleasantly, and the body attached to the head began to claw its way free.
No, not its. His. Very, very much his.
Micaiah would have said something like oh go - something except that would have required breath, and she didn't have any. This was the single most attractive creature, beorc or laguz, she had ever laid eyes upon. He was like sex on two legs. And even better, he felt right to her, like they were the same, which made the idea of them being together even more alluring. The man shook a little, dislodging sand and moving in slow motion.
"I'm sorry to have surprised you," Mr. Sexy said, voice deep and suave. "It's just that I can't help but participate in a battle wherein one of my brethren is in danger."
Oh and he's polite! Ack – Micaiah, say something polite! "Who are you?" she asked, hoping she sounded mature.
He quirked an incredibly perfect eyebrow. "If you ask someone their name, isn't it polite to give your name first?"
She melted on the inside. "Oh yes," she moaned. "My name… my name is Micaiah."
Mr. Sexy didn't look terribly surprised by the, ahem, emotion behind her response. "And I am Stefan. Well met. I will join with you, and together may we protect our kind and defeat these evil fools."
"I am no longer the Maiden of Dawn," she whispered, reverent.
Because the developers are jealous of the sheer magnitude of Stefan's sexiness, he was forced to look just as absurd as everyone else as he walked forward one space at a time.
Numida was growing nervous as the enemies grew closer. How could this be happening? These fools were going against the Goddess Herself! They should have lost ages ago, and yet –
There was an incredibly sexy man with bright green hair who had gotten close enough that Numida could attack with his long-range spell. "Who are you?" he demanded in terror as he prepared his magic.
The green-haired man looked calm and suave as a stray gust of wind blew his hair around and some sand in his face. "I am the Desert, and I brook no intrusion," he replied, ignoring the mouth of full of sand, "Make your peace with your goddess."
Numida swooned a little, but held his resolve and attacked. He flung the spell and hit the Desert (if that was his real name!) for impressive damage.
Then a mook hit Stefan again and killed him.
Micaiah blinked. She blinked again. "Huh," she said.
Haar shook his head at the poor showing his former fellow Badass Trio member had put up. "We can't all have gotten upgrades," he said with a sigh.
The Black Knight swung his right arm around in a lasso, and everyone joined him in a flash mob. "Ehhh, sexy lady! Op, op, op op oppan Black Knight style!"
Micaiah restarted the stage in the name of sexiness. Because of the obvious conclusion – the demise of both Numida and his Hitler mustache – we will instead use the "name of sexiness" comment to segue into the next chapter… coming soon, to a story near you!
