AN: I'm sorry.


It all started a week after Blaine came home from London. Work had begun and he was already finding himself increasingly busier than he'd been in a long time. His new job wasn't exactly enjoyable but it paid the bills and right now that was all he could ask for.

The date had been in his phone since they'd first met - not that he'd ever admit that to Kurt - and it was with great anticipation that Blaine counted down the days until their six-month anniversary. It felt like an achievement, something they should be proud of and he certainly was. Long distance hadn't been easy but here they were, months down the track and still happily in love, and Blaine almost had to pinch himself to believe that this, that Kurt, wasn't all a dream.

He'd organised flowers and a card and chocolates to be delivered to Kurt's apartment and so what if he'd gone a bit overboard, today was special and he relished the excuse to celebrate them. Besides, he knew as much as Kurt denied it he secretly loved someone making a big deal over him and he couldn't wait to hear Kurt's delighted and breathless I love you when they skyped later.

The morning passed uneventfully and Blaine reached for his phone a dozen times, each time resisting to actually call Kurt but wanting to so badly. It wasn't fair that on the day Blaine felt most in love, he was forced to be thousands of miles away from the person in his heart and he was so tempted to fly to London, airfares be damned, just to feel the press of Kurt's lips against his own.

It was crazy thoughts like these that made Blaine realise just how much he'd changed since meeting Kurt. Six months ago he would never have called himself a romantic, in fact he'd pitied those who were so pathetically lovesick that they couldn't bear a minute apart from their love. But now, God, he was one of them! And he had never been happier.

Still, the heartache that often burned strong in his chest and filled him entirely, spreading to the very tips of his fingers and the soles of his feet, hurt. It was a pain that he couldn't deny and the more he fell in love with Kurt, the more his entire being seemed to ache.

But it was worth it. It was so worth it, as long as he could call Kurt his.

Blaine finally caved and called him after lunch and with each ring his pulse quickened. All he wanted was to hear that warm, familiar voice; Kurt could say anything in that moment and Blaine would happily listen. But all he got was Kurt's voicemail apologising for not being able to get to the phone and asking him to leave a message. Blaine sighed and hung up, settling for a text instead, hoping Kurt might have just missed his call and would see the message soon.

A few more hours went by with no reply from Kurt and Blaine told himself not to take it personally. Maybe Kurt was simply too busy for their usual Tuesday afternoon skype, but surely he would have let Blaine know that he couldn't talk today. As late afternoon dragged into early evening and Kurt still hadn't so much as messaged Blaine back, it was getting harder and harder to not feel like Kurt was ignoring him.

Blaine's good mood was certainly dwindling and what had promised to be a day he'd enjoy was turning out both mundane and disappointing. He'd kept busy, cleaning bits and pieces around the house once he'd returned from work, but he'd had his phone close the whole time, just waiting and wishing for a response of any kind.

It was after dinner when he finally felt a message come through and his heart sunk.

Hey, sorry that I had to bail on our skype date, I've been so busy today, Steven had us rehearsing non-stop since ten this morning because Molly broke her leg the other day and someone new has had to replace her and she's surprisingly uncoordinated for a dancer. Anyway I've barely been home but I did manage to spy some flowers from a certain someone. May I ask what the special occasion is? I didn't have time to read the card but I'll say thank-you now. You're amazing.

He'd forgotten.

Kurt had forgotten and Blaine felt tears reach his eyes that he was quick to wipe away. It was with shaking fingers that he replied, telling himself to calm down but not quite knowing how.

Maybe you should read the card to remember what today is.

Kurt quirked an eyebrow, surprised at the cold, almost harsh tone of the text and he did as Blaine suggested. He got one sentence in and groaned.

Oh. Fuck.

He continued reading the card, tearing up at the ridiculously kind and meaningful words written in Blaine's careful handwriting and he felt something cold and unpleasant settle in his stomach that resembled guilt but was somehow much, much worse.

Kurt instantly grabbed his phone and set about texting the fastest message he had ever sent.

I'm sorry, shit, I'm so sorry for forgetting, today's been crazy and we hadn't even discussed our six month anniversary or that it was coming up and it just totally slipped my mind. If I'd have known I would have done something, I could have organised to fly to see you, I could have called in sick and spent the day with you on skype, I could have done anything, and I feel so freaking bad that I forgot.

Blaine knew he was being irrational but even the sincere apologies flashing across his screen did nothing to ease the awful empty feeling taking over his mind and he couldn't help the childish message he found himself tapping out.

It's fine, I guess today wasn't as important as I thought. My mistake.

Blaine's words had the desired effect and Kurt was stunned into silence, his eyes glassy as he imagined the hurt look he knew must be all over his boyfriend's face. The image of Blaine's bright, warm eyes looking downcast was too much and he quickly dialled Blaine's number, needing to fix this.

He waited for Blaine to pick up, biting his lip and pacing his apartment as the phone continued to ring. He knew Blaine was upset but he hadn't expected he would completely ignore him. However, that's exactly what he did and Kurt felt a combination of worry and frustration fill him.

He called again, not about to give up so easily, and he called once more, hoping for truth in the saying 'third time lucky.'

Blaine only had the will power to ignore the first two calls and he begrudgingly picked up the third, speaking before Kurt had the chance, "Kurt, I know I'm being unreasonable and immature but I really don't want to talk about this right now."

The break in Blaine's voice made Kurt feel even worse and he immediately launched into the little speech he'd been going over in his head the past five minutes.

"I'm sorry," Kurt said genuinely, "Today is important and I should have remembered, I really should have but I can't change the fact that I didn't. Please just know that it does matter to me, it makes me so incredibly happy that I've gotten to spend six whole months with you, even if I haven't always been with you, and I am so glad I sat next to you on that plane to London. It was the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Blaine pursed his lips, wanting to stay mad but knowing he wouldn't. When he sat back and thought about it, of course he'd overreacted, but he'd just felt so underappreciated and he couldn't help lashing out. It was something he'd started to do more of lately, now that he was in a constant state of longing and he just hoped it wouldn't turn into a habit.

"It's fine, I'm sorry for acting so stupid. All you did was forget, that's not your fault," Blaine assured but the hurt still evident in his voice told a different story.

Kurt felt a sad smile reach his lips, "I really should have remembered. You have every right to be upset. But I know there's something else, something you're not telling me and I'm going to get it out of you eventually so you might as well tell me now."

Blaine almost smiled at that; almost.

"No, I can't talk about my feelings right now, I'll say something I'll regret, I know I will."

"Please, Blaine?" Kurt said softly, "Please. If I've done something else, I want to know. Remember communication is the key here."

Blaine sighed, remembering back to the last time they'd fought. It had been over the tiniest of miscommunications, they'd both ended up in tears and he definitely didn't want a repeat of that. For that reason, and that reason only, he found himself opening up, the words spilling out in one big rush that he honestly hoped Kurt hadn't heard.

"Sometimes I worry that you don't love me as much as I love you."

The sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line was indication enough that Kurt had heard and Blaine let his head drop to his hands, the tears falling faster now as it sunk in that he'd just admitted that to Kurt. Oh, God, he was so pathetic!

Kurt didn't know what to say. He certainly hadn't expected that to come out of Blaine's mouth, and now that it had he wasn't sure how to respond. Obviously he disagreed with it, in fact he'd definitely had similar fears before about loving Blaine more than Blaine loved him, but the fact that it was Blaine having these doubts made it seem even worse than when it had been him. Because of course he loved Blaine. No words could describe just how much he felt for the man who had so easily stepped into his life and changed everything. Made him happier, made him feel more than he'd felt in his entire life. Blaine meant the world to him and it killed him to think that his boyfriend didn't know that, that Kurt hadn't shown him how much he meant to him.

The silence stretched between them and Blaine waited, hoping he hadn't just scared Kurt away. That was the last thing he'd wanted to do and the fear he'd just shared with Kurt grew bigger each second Kurt remained quiet.

"Look, Kurt, we can talk about this another time," Blaine offered, hiding how low he suddenly felt, "Another time meaning never…"

"Shut up and give me a second to think," Kurt said seriously and that got a smile out of Blaine.

He hadn't meant to take this long to reply but Kurt had no idea how to express just how much he felt for Blaine and that sounded incredibly stupid and clichéd but he wanted this to sound right, to put Blaine's unnecessary worries to rest. After a few more seconds though, he realised he didn't need some fancy way to say I love you, you've changed my life, please never leave it. He could just say it.

So he did.

"I love you so much," Blaine replied, more tears flooding his vision, "I'm sorry for making such a big deal out of nothing. And I shouldn't have told you that thing, it's just my insecurities speaking out, I know you love me, I just get a bit down on myself sometimes."

Kurt shook his head, "One: that wasn't nothing, I should have remembered and I really am sorry and two: you should always tell me how you feel. Seriously, don't ever think you have to hide something that's hurting you from me, okay?"

Blaine smiled, "Okay. Same goes for you."

"Of course."

They paused for a moment, both thinking over the situation, considering the way everything between them always ended the same way.

"How do we manage to go from fighting to sappy in two seconds flat?" Kurt wondered aloud, a smile still on his lips because Blaine had forgiven him and by the sounds of things, they were going to be okay.

Blaine chuckled, "I don't know, I think it's our talent. It seems to happen a lot."

"It does," Kurt agreed.

Another short silence set in until Blaine eventually sighed.

"I hate long distance," he said with a pout, "We miss out on so much make-up sex."

Kurt snorted, having been thinking similar thoughts himself, "And from sappy to horny in the next second, we are great at this!"

Blaine laughed too and they talked for a little while longer before Kurt realised it was past two in the morning London time. So they said their goodbyes, Kurt wishing Blaine a happy six month anniversary - which was all Blaine had really wanted out of their day.

From then on, they made an effort to talk more. Not that they hadn't been before, but they agreed to really talk, to be honest about everything – even their insecurities - and to never let anything go unsaid. Unfortunately this opened up a can of worms they weren't quite expecting and Blaine began busying himself with work so he had something to distract him from the fights that were springing up more and more often.

He missed Kurt, that was a given, but sometimes he wished he were in London just so he could bang his boyfriend's head against a wall, because some of the things coming out of his mouth were so un-Kurt like and Blaine knew it was the distance talking.

But they made up each time and whilst it wasn't ideal, they managed. Blaine continued writing, still loving the feeling that it brought him and Kurt continued performing. They saw each other less – Blaine's boss was strict about taking days off - and this added yet another strain to what was already becoming a less than perfect relationship.

Some days were harder than others and occasionally Kurt would purposefully leave his phone off just to escape everything. He could feel himself pulling away, mostly in self-preservation, and he hated himself for it. He knew Blaine wasn't trying to hurt him, neither of them were, but that didn't stop it from happening.

Kurt still had the memory of their last heated discussion burnt into his brain, painfully so, where they'd been trying to organise to see each other until everything had fallen to shit.

"This is a commitment!" Kurt remembered shouting, though it had lost its effect over the phone and ended up sounding tinny. "If we're fighting so much, doesn't that make you think we need to spend more time on us, not less?!"

Blaine had sighed, "Yes, but I can't just drop everything to do that."

"What, so our relationship doesn't come first?" Kurt shot and yeah, he had known that was a low blow but it seemed necessary at the time and he was sick of feeling like an option instead of a priority.

Blaine had just sounded tired, "Of course it does. But I can't just get out of work to see you whenever you – we, whenever we see fit. I'm trying my best, but my schedule's not quite as…relaxed as yours."

"Because you've got a real job?" Kurt had asked sarcastically. He couldn't help it, a sense of déjà vu had hit him as he recalled a similar conversation with his ex and just as quickly he'd felt a bitterness settle within him, eating away at his self-confidence just like so many of his ex-boyfriend's comments had done.

"Don't turn this back on me!" Blaine had warned, "When have I ever said anything about your career other than that I'm proud of you?!"

And just like that, Kurt had felt his heart melt as all of his previous anger left him in a sudden whoosh.

"You're right, I'm sorry," Kurt had said quietly, "I just miss you…"

Which is what each fight really came down to. And each time they lost their temper or said something they shouldn't have, they had to remind themselves that hurting or not, they loved each other.

Which got them through – most of the time.


It was all okay, until suddenly, it wasn't.

It was nearing November when Blaine found himself picking up his phone with trembling hands and dialling the number he knew best.

As he waited for Kurt to pick up, the tears fell faster and he hastened to wipe them away with the heel of his hand. He didn't know if he was crying more because his boyfriend - who was supposed to love him – had made him feel so shit, or because he knew he'd made Kurt feel just as bad. Either way he was sick of this and every moment longer they avoided the subject it just got worse.

Blaine didn't know what he wanted to say, not really, just that he needed to say something.

Anything would be better than this constant limbo.

As soon as Kurt answered and they'd exchanged pleasantries, Blaine got straight to the point.

"We need to talk."

The words felt like gravel against his throat but he forced them out, needing to have the conversation he'd been dreading since he first left for Ohio.

Kurt felt his heart stutter, and not in the good way. He knew what was coming, he knew he was about to be torn into pieces and he fell back onto the couch, hugging his knees to his chest, needing some form of anchor or support to help him through this.

He waited for Blaine to continue, his heart beating so hard he was convinced it was audible all the way over in Ohio.

"I don't -" Pause, sigh, intake of breath. "I don't know how to say this but I'm really tired of hurting. And I know you are too. Most of all, I'm tired of hurting you. Yes, we've talked about this before and we've tried fixing it and it's worked for a couple of weeks and then we've tried fixing it again but it's too hard Kurt, it's getting too hard."

Tears were already filling Kurt's eyes and his throat was going dry and everything he wanted to say was getting stuck. But he knew Blaine would let him have a say eventually so he stayed quiet and listened, hoping he was wrong about what Blaine's words meant.

"When did it get like this? It shouldn't be like this," Blaine mused aloud, "When did we stop making each other happy?"

And wow, that really wasn't what he'd wanted to say but the words were out there and the worst part was, they were true.

Blaine remembered that butterflies-in-his-stomach, clichéd and contented, delightful and altogether warm feeling he would always get when he heard Kurt's voice, or when Kurt told him he loved him, or when he even so much as thought about him. Back when talking to Kurt was something he looked forward to in his days, not something he dreaded. But he hadn't felt that way in weeks and he was starting to wonder if it would ever come back.

Kurt froze. He couldn't believe what Blaine had just said. He wanted to deny it, vehemently fight for them – because God, someone had to! – to prove to Blaine that the horrible words that had just come out of his mouth were wrong, that he didn't mean them at all. Except he couldn't, because when he thought about it, it had been a long time since he'd felt truly and completely happy and although it physically hurt him to admit it, a lot of that was because of Blaine. Or at least because of every conversation they had ending in increasingly wounding words.

The past fortnight had been hell. Kurt had barely slept; he'd dragged himself out of bed, showered, eaten, gone to the theatre, performed, come home again, collapsed back into bed and stared at the ceiling for another ten hours, willing away thoughts of Blaine. They hadn't spoken much, but that had been smart considering they ended up fighting each time they tried.

All Kurt wanted was for things to return to how they used to be, before Blaine left London. Back to some of the best times he could remember.

"You made me so happy, Blaine," Kurt said quietly and that's when Blaine felt tears reach his eyes again, "You used to make me so happy. I just don't understand what changed."

"Us," Blaine said sadly, wishing it weren't true.

Kurt shook his head, "No, I'm the same, I've been sure of who I am since I was seven thank-you very much."

"Well maybe not us in that sense," Blaine clarified, "But how we treat each other has definitely changed. I honestly never thought I would hurt you, especially not in ways that I have. I used to actually think I was good for you -"

"You are!" Kurt said confidently, tears now trailing down his cheeks, "God, of course you are!"

Blaine sighed, "I don't think I am. Not anymore."

A beat passed between them and Blaine tried hard to ignore the sob he could hear wrenching from Kurt's throat.

"Maybe we should take a break?" Blaine suggested, the idea hurting his heart to speak aloud but killing him even more to keep inside. He'd been thinking it over for a few weeks, never allowing himself to mention it to Kurt but maybe this was for the best. They could spend some time alone, re-evaluate what they wanted from this relationship, what they wanted from their lives, learn to live for each other again.

And there it was, the one thing Kurt had never wanted to hear from the person he loved the most. But the words rang in his ears, repeating over and over like the sick cliché that it was and there was nothing Kurt could do to make Blaine take it back.

"Is that what you want?" Kurt eventually asked, hesitation laced through his tone.

Blaine sighed, "It's what I should want."

"But you don't?"

"I don't know," Blaine said honestly, "All I know is I don't want…this, this rut or whatever it is that we're stuck in where we do nothing but yell and then ignore each other, just to do it all again the next week."

Kurt felt his blood go cold, hearing nothing but a blatant I don't want you. It stung more than he could've thought.

"…I just think we should take a little time," Blaine was saying when Kurt checked back into the conversation, "And see where things go from there. It's not like it's a break-up or anything. Just a break."

"Blaine, please stop saying break, I feel like we're on an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S," Kurt said seriously, trying his best to hide how close he felt to cracking and Blaine couldn't help but chuckle.

"What I mean is maybe we can just wait until you come back to New York so we can discuss living arrangements-"

"Living arrangements?" Kurt echoed, "Blaine, I live in London. And in a year or so I will be moving back to New York, which is where I'll stay. That's how it is, that's how it's always going to be."

"I just thought…" Blaine sighed, running a hand through his un-gelled curls, "I don't know what I thought. That maybe we could at least discuss it? Ohio's my home, it's yours too in case you've forgotten."

"Like I could forget the town that brought me so much joy," Kurt said sarcastically, "You can't expect me to move back there, Blaine. I mean Broadway is my career. Performing to me is like breathing, it's like me asking you to give up writing."

The longer he spoke, the more irritated Kurt found himself getting and he wondered if Blaine realised just how much he was asking Kurt to sacrifice. Nothing could beat that feeling of elation Kurt got on stage from a thunderous applause, not even Blaine and he wouldn't apologise for that.

"Interesting how it's perfectly fine for me to just leave my life behind, but even suggesting that you do the same is somehow ludicrous!" Blaine knew he sounded bitter, in fact he probably sounded completely brash but in that moment he couldn't care less. He was sick of being the one that gave up everything in this relationship.

Kurt resisted the urge to cover his ears and ignore everything they were both saying because this had become ridiculous.

"God, you're right, I can't do this any longer!" Kurt cried, the words feeling like a release of pent up emotion that had been bubbling to the top, "We keep taking our frustration over the distance out on each other and I just can't do this anymore."

Blaine paused, his next argument dissolving where it sat on the tip of his tongue.

"Maybe you're right, maybe we should press pause," Kurt said sadly, "Or just stop altogether."

Blaine literally held up his hands in protest, forgetting that Kurt couldn't see him. "Okay, I didn't suggest a break-up, that's all you-"

Instantly, Blaine bit his lip, wishing he had a filter.

"Thanks Blaine, put the blame of breaking up on me, yeah that's really going to make me feel better," Kurt said sarcastically and Blaine almost recoiled at the venom in Kurt's voice.

"Don't you see how every conversation ends up like this, we're always fighting and I hate it!" Blaine felt close to crying again, he had never been so sick of something in his entire life.

"Fine!" Kurt snapped, "Let's put us both out of our misery then!"

"That's not what I meant! –"

"Goodbye Blaine."

The line went dead and Blaine could've sworn his heart may as well have followed.

He lowered the phone from his ear and stared at it in shock, willing for it to ring again, willing for Kurt to be on the other end reassuring him that it wasn't over. That it would never be over between them. But no matter how hard he stared at the phone, no matter how long he sat there just wishing for it to come alive in his hand, it stayed silent and Blaine knew that this was goodbye.


AN: Bring on the backlash haha :S

Again, all the love and thanks in the world to my beta, itsjustalittlemakeup.

Also I love you guys and I am sorry. X