What a wonderful thing to witness. Those wobbly steps he took, although still leaning heavily on him. It was something that made him feel like coming at him, just shower him with the love and admiration he felt inside. Pour it over him, smother him. He wanted him know how much it meant to him. That he came with him. That he was there, by his side.
Sure, he was hesitant. Wary, almost. As if he wasn't sure that the reality one of them resided in was something he could handle. But he had decided to test his boundaries, and that was enough. Not only enough, it was everything. At least to him.
"Thank you," Victor whispered as the nurse removed the butterfly needle, wiped the back of his hand clean with the alcohol swab and put on a band aid. It wasn't meant for her though. The way his other hand was squeezed told him that he'd heard him. That he tried his best to lighten his burden.
"There, you're good to go," the nurse said as she turned the tubes containing his blood upside down and back again, repeatedly. "The doctor will call you next week with the results."
They decided to walk home, feel the sun on their faces and breathe the crisp air. Not caring about how long it would take, how many stops they would make on the way.
The first stop was to get coffee. Victor was quick to declare that he needed something warm, and entered the first café they came across. He came out eventually, with two paper cups and handed over one of them to Yuuri. With coffee in one hand and entwined fingers around the other, they carried on.
"You know what?" He just had to tell him how much he appreciated him. His selfless gesture, his way of telling him that he wanted to try and share not only the good with him, but also the bad.
Yuuri swallowed the sip of coffee before he spoke. "No, what?"
Those eyes were something else. They were relaxed now, not at all like before when they had been wary. He loved seeing him like that, that he could be relaxed around him. That there was a chance that he wasn't that natural disaster he considered himself to be.
"I love you. I love you so much, Yuuri."
The second stop was to kiss. To let go of each other's hands and find other places to let them rest upon instead. He felt his muffler put pressure on the back of his neck as his own hands ended up in his hair, pulling him closer. Coffee tasted better when it was shared with him, when it could be tasted off of him.
When he felt his hands tugging at his beanie, he had to break it off. Leave the softness that played against his lips. There was a slight feeling of self consciousness there as soon as he noticed his hands around his head, but more importantly, there was a pull inside that could end up turning into something else. Something more. Something that was intended just for them.
"I think I dropped my cup," he heard him whisper, cheeks flushed because of the cold or their audience.
"It doesn't matter," he answered with a chuckle, trailing his thumb along his lower lip. "Thank you for today, for coming with me. It meant the world to me."
He never answered with words, just with a smile that made the warmth of the coffee feel obsolete.
They shared the remaining coffee, getting closer to home with every step. They had been quiet for a while, walking hand in hand without the need to say anything. When they eventually spoke, they did so at the same time.
"Go ahead," Yuuri excused himself with a laugh.
"No, tell me. What's on your mind?"
"I just… wanted to know if you've read anything. Like, online?"
Victor felt torn. He didn't feel like talking about it, the reactions to his public reveal, but then again… Yuuri wanted to. Strange, how he always came to his own small realisations in the strangest of times. Catching him off guard. Surprising him.
It felt important to him to meet him when he did. Even if it meant that he was giving up his own integrity, leaving his own defences unmanned. It rarely happened, that Yuuri wanted to face his fears connected to the situation they were in, which made it even more pressing that he got the chance to do so. So, Victor caved in. Met him where he was.
"No, I haven't. Not a thing."
"Oh…" He paused. "Um… Social media, then? What about that?"
He put his arm around him, doing his best to act normal although it was a diversion. A definite smoke and mirrors-routine with the sole purpose of not letting him understand how he felt about that question.
"Well… I saw a lot of notifications this morning, but I never read any of them."
"Do you… or, um… are you going to? You think?"
"Yuuri… Tell me what you've read." I really don't want to hear this. Please, Yuuri.
"So, uh… I looked at the hashtag on Instagram, you got another one now you know, and people are… Victor, they're sad to see you lea… no, retire. There are tribute clips and stuff already uploaded, so…"
What did he say? "Tribute clips?" Don't tell me they've figured it out?
"Yeah. They are lovely too. 'Congratulations on your retirement', 'You'll always be our Living Legend'. Stuff like that." He paused, briefly. "Also, they are posting their favorite routines. It's… I mean, it's not just I who loves you."
He felt a sting underneath his eyelids. He never thought about that. That aspect of him retiring. No… leaving. He was leaving. Eventually.
"Th… that sounds lovely." He cursed himself for stuttering as he tried to bite back the tears that were teasing him.
"If you want, we could watch them together?"
Oh… Yuuri! Please, love, why would you even say such a thing?!
"Victor?"
"Oh, sorry. I… was somewhere else for a second." He found his hand again and squeezed it. Tried not to sound distraught or accusing. "We could do that. At some point." Why did I say that?
The answer seemed to please him. His brown eyes lit up as he looked at him, before he broke the contact.
"Hey, Yuuri?" He figured he might as well ask him. About… what he was dreading. When the magician's prestige is revealed to the world.
"Hm?" He turned his head a little.
"Have you read anything... else?"
"I, uh..."
Of course he has!
The third stop was to grab his shoulder, make him come to a standstill. To make him understand that he could guess, and most probably would get it right, what people were saying. And that it mattered to him that he kept it to himself. For some time longer. Or at least for now.
The eyes that shied away as they stood in front of each other hurt him. He understood now that he was asking questions just to see where he was. If he knew. And ultimately, how he would have to act around him, what he could say and do.
He suddenly felt betrayed. Without thinking, just following that impulse, he asked him about the one thing he never wanted to find out.
"So, Yuuri. Do they know?"
The seconds felt like years. Like the world had come to a standstill, like every single movement was made to get etched into his memory with a disgusting precision.
His hand found his face and it felt… reassuring. His lips found his and they gave him the same feeling. They don't. Not yet. There's still time.
It became off limits. Talking about what was there. Or rather, what probably was there. Victor asked Yuuri to take his phone and disable all the notifications, he obliged without even batting an eye.
He hated the prickling paranoia. Like it was some kind of mindgame. He tried to reason with himself, time and time again. If Yuuri had seen something, read something, he wouldn't be able to keep it together. That's how he was. He would crumble, show him that the world was onto him without deliberately saying anything. Or, that is what he was trying to make himself believe.
The fourth stop was all about making it stop. Shed the uncertainties. Getting back the sliver of control that was still there, just out of reach.
As Yuuri was doing the dishes, he approached him. Slid his arms around him, whilst tasting his neck. "Be honest with me." He let out a sad sigh against his skin.
He watched as he turned the tap off. Felt his cheek as he leaned back against him. "What do you want me to say," he breathed.
"If there's just you and me in this for a little while longer."
"I think… I think it is. At least for now."
He realised that he just wanted it to stop.
