Chapter 28

Emi didn't drive. She'd never cursed that fact more than she did that day. But a car in the city is an expense and in the beginning it was one she couldn't afford, not with Reni and Gary's doctor bills coming every month like a harbinger of doom. Not when Reni needed special formula, special shoes, glasses … and all of her therapies that were needs that came before wants. Even when the money started coming in there wasn't a whole lot of extra and when all it took was a short hop on the subway or a few minutes in line to catch a bus her stingy little Irish purse strings blessed her for keeping them tied shut.

But no car meant that she was constantly waiting … on the bus, on the subway, on a light to change so she could cross the road, on a lift from a long suffering friend like Adam. It took her longer to get everywhere and she was restricted from getting from point A to point B by the whim of the city planners and where they put the mass transit routes.

Adam. God. He must be totally traumatized. That's the only reason he wouldn't have called her. What he must be going through. God. Please let him be all right. Please let me say the right things.

Seasons are changing and it was already dark by the time Emi made it to the hospital. She got directions to the right wing, floor, and then it took her a moment to find the right waiting room. She stood just outside looking in. It felt like she was always looking from the outside in. The room was packed but there were different huddles that told Emi that Michelle's family wasn't the only one suffering tonight.

And then he saw her. He jerked in surprise and it took him a moment to believe what he was seeing. He worked his way out of the knot of people he was with and came towards her. She could tell from across the room he was pale but by the time he got to her his face was almost crimson. Only he didn't stop when he was in front of her but grabbed her arm and pushed her backwards and into a nearby stairwell.

"What the hell are you doing here?!"

Emi was too shocked to speak … until he shook her. "Answer me!"

"I … I was worried. I called … Jo."

"I don't need another mother," he growled. "I had one. I'm a grown man. If I had wanted you to know I would have called you myself."

Emi almost couldn't form a response. Then carefully she said, "I didn't just come for you. I came to find out about Michelle. We … we were friends at one time. And the … the baby. Jo made it out like it was bad."

"It is bad," he hissed. "Everyone just calmed down, you showing up and someone asking questions is just going to start everyone up again. They're heart broken."

"Oh … oh no … Please," Emi said shaking her head. "Oh God Adam, I'm so sorry." She went to hug him but he pushed her away and she stumbled and cracked the back of her head against the concrete wall.

Adam took two steps backwards and shook his head like he couldn't believe what he'd just done. Then he face transformed and he shouted, "Now look what you made me do! Dammit, look at this mess!"

"Adam I only wanted to …"

"Do you know how hard I'm fighting?! Do you?! It's so easy for you! You're perfect childhood! You don't understand anything! Anything! How could you?! All you do is keep telling me I'm grieving but what would you know about that?! You don't even say their names anymore. Have you even been to the cemetery?!"

"What do you expect me to do?!" she cried realizing what he was talking about. "Bleed out every day?! I did that in the beginning and look where it got me!"

"Oh yeah, it's always about you. There is no way in hell you could understand. Reni wasn't even your …"

And just like that Emi did the one thing she never thought she would do. She slapped Adam, hard enough that she busted his lip.

The blood was just there … on his lip then in his beard that was once again shaggy from lack of care. That alone should have told her what kind of state he had been in lately. But no, she saw what she wanted to see. She looked at her hand and there was blood there too. His father had done that to him. Emi started shaking so hard she could barely breathe. "Oh God … oh God … oh God … I … I … I …"

All Adam could do was stand there blinking in shock. Emi kept backing away, her eyes wide and frightened. She was the one with the anger management issue, not Adam. She'd always been this way. When she was little she would have such powerful bursts of anger that it took all her Da's strength to hold her so she wouldn't hurt herself. They never found out why, she just seemed to outgrow it the summer her Creole gran was so sick. She heard her Ma tell her Da in one of her more fanciful moments that it was like his mother took it with her to the grave so Emi could go on without it. She never had another fit … until that night. That night her family was killed. No one knew what to do for her, not even her uncle. She'd just screamed and screamed and screamed. Until it was all out and all she could do was lay there wondering why she got left behind when the angels had come for the only ones that really loved her.

When Reni died she could have killed Gary. Nearly did. He was high as a kite and it took the cops to find him. Adam had helped with that. But when Gary died, she felt nothing … until she became angry she had felt nothing. Oh then she got angry but it was a pale shadow of a thing compared to how it had been for Reni. It hadn't been her Da that time that had held her so she couldn't hurt herself, it had been Adam. First and always he'd been a friend and protected her, now look what she'd done. She was the one constantly screwing up. She was the one that always managed to create some kind of disaster. Adam was right, she never should have come. She kept backing away because she couldn't bear to see the shock on his face.

And the blood, let's not forget about that Emerald Fauxchaux O'Ryan. Look what you've done this time girl. Broken the only thing you had left, a man so deep in his own grief he didn't know what he was doing or saying. Something you of all people should have understood and had compassion for. Her foot hit air and she nearly fell down the stairs. And look how, even after what you've done he still tried to save you.

Emi shook off Adam's hand that had steadied her and ran down the stairs as fast as the gym bag she still had slung over her shoulder would let her. Ran so she wouldn't hear him call, "Emi! Wait!"

She took the second door out of the stair well that would open. She hadn't taken the first because he would be thinking she would to get away. She'd spent too much time having to run away from things bigger and stronger than she was not to have learned a few tricks. She learned a lot in the group home she did. Thanks to Gary and Felicia. They'd eventually taken her under their care … after she'd been beat up a few times. They were amazed she didn't know how to defend herself so as a game they'd taught her just because they knew it would irritate the bullies. Then it was three against the others. They never started a fight but by all that was holy they knew how to finish one.

And when Gary and Felicia had aged out at eighteen years old they promised they'd find a place for her too because she'd be following them just a year later. But they'd disappeared and never come for her. And it turned out she hadn't had to find a place for herself because someone at the university had been looking out for her, had set up a scholarship for her upkeep and further education. Her brains had finally been good for something.

It was by accident she found them. She was surveying an excavation back in NYC … busywork but it was tolerable busywork … while the people in charge of the doctoral program decided what to do with her. She saw them in line at a homeless shelter. They'd never found a place for themselves. More surprising still was that Felicia was pregnant. What a mess. The city had eat them up and spit them out … both addicts though Felicia fought the pull of the drugs for the baby's sake. And with Emi's help they both cleaned up. Then something went wrong.

Felicia had always seemed so strong, so above the things that had made her "unadoptable," especially the heart condition once thought corrected. But the drugs had done their damage and … she didn't survive the emergency c-section. Then came Reni's diagnosis and the state with all of their threats. That's when Emi made her decision. That's when she decided how she was going to feed her need to be needed. And for a while it had worked. For a while Felicia's memory was enough for Gary but … then it wasn't and he kept looking for ways to feel better, to self-medicate when the drugs the doctor's gave him stopped working, when he couldn't stand to … never mind, all of that was old news and nothing that Emi could do anything about it.

The second door … finally. An underground parking garage. It was dark and she must have walked the gray off of the floor just trying to figure out what she was going to do. She knew she needed to fix things she just didn't know how you fixed things so broken … something she had broken.

Then an arm grabbed her and she swung around. Not in fear but because she'd almost walked into an oncoming car. "Jeezus girl … didn't you hear me callin' you?"

"Danny?"

"Yeah … damn," he said getting the first good look at her face. "It's bad is it."

"I … oh Danny … I shouldn't have come. I never seem to learn."

"Whadda you mean? Hey … you been cryin'?"

"It doesn't matter. I screwed up so bad."

"Hey ho … you're lookin' at the king of screwin' up. Why don't you come back, let me call Linds."

"No!" She wiped her nose and tried to swallow but her throat was so dry. She could just barely clear it and ask, "Look, can you take this to Adam? I … I brought it and then forgot to give it to him." A nearly hysterical giggle escaped her and Danny really started to look alarmed.

"Seriously Kid, you need to come back or somthin'. Jo can …"

"God, not her either. That's all Adam needs. More of us sticking our nose in his business. No way." Emi dug in her pocket … she always carried such an amazing amount of junk in her pockets everywhere she went. She found a piece of pencil she couldn't bring herself to throw away and then unzipped the gym bag and on a piece of paper she'd stuck in there she scribbled something. She zipped things back up and turned to Danny who was on the phone and watching her from the corner of his eye.

"Oh no you don't Danny Messer. I am no one's problem that needs cleaning up. I can clean up my own mess thank you very much. Just … just do me a favor and give this to Adam. Ok?"

She turned and then sprinted into the dark. She heard Danny yell, "Hey! Dammit! Don't do this! It's dark as hell in here. C'moooon! Emi!"