Author's Note: Alright, I got a couple reviews for the last chapter and I'm pretty dang excited about this chapter so I'm gonna go ahead and post it. This might be the last one for the weekend (maybe not, I'm writing the next one now but my mom comes into town tomorrow so I might not get it finished before then). Please review anyway! I really love hearing from you guys and I'd love to know what you think of all the insights into the characters minds we've had in the last few chapters, specifically this one as you finally get to see how Haley is dealing with her stupidness. Oh, additionally, the song used in this chapter is 'Goodbye' by Miley Cyrus. Listen to it if you can when you read that part. It's from her Breakout cd and of course, I have no rights to her music so yeah... ENJOY!!
Chapter Twenty-Six
Nothing Else to Say
Haley POV
"Um… Nathan?" I was surprised to hear Nathan's voice. So surprised that I had to look down at my cell phone to make sure I had called the right number. The phone said I had called Lucas but why had Nathan answered?
"Hi." Nathan said simply, "Lucas handed me the phone so that I could talk to you. Since you don't return my calls and I needed to talk to you, we figured this was the only way."
"Oh." I nodded even though he couldn't see me, "Ok. Hi."
There was an awkward silence, obviously neither of us knew what to say to the other. I wanted to apologize for not returning his phone calls, but it wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him, I just didn't know what to say. After I left I had a million questions. I wanted to know what had really happened. I wanted to know if he would forgive me for leaving. I wanted to figure out if I could forgive him for something he may not have even done. I figured out too late that there was no way they were all lying to me about Nathan and Savannah. In the end my paranoia over them had gotten the best of me, and we all ended up hurting. I hadn't wanted to hurt him but I knew I had.
"Listen, I went to see a lawyer today." Nathan suddenly blurted, "About the divorce."
Lucas had said Nathan wanted a divorce but I was hoping he had been wrong about that. Even though my head told me our marriage wasn't going to get through this whole ordeal, my heart couldn't let go.
"Oh, ok." I nodded again and mentally cursed myself for not having some better response, "So um… do I need to get a lawyer?"
"In North Carolina, we have to be separated for a year before any judge will grant us a divorce so it looks like we're stuck for the next 344 days but um… my lawyer told me some other stuff about North Carolina and for this to all be fair, I think you should talk to a lawyer too, so you have all the facts."
"You could just tell me." I suggested but I heard Nathan huff at the idea, "Or not. I can talk to a lawyer if I need to. That's fine."
"I just want to ask one thing, and it's going to sound weird, but I need you to agree to this and not go back on your word ok?"
His voice was so cold and distant. He sounded a million miles away, and he might as well have been. His heart certainly was.
"Ok." I responded.
"Leave Savannah out of this. You're going to find out some things that you may have as options but please, whatever your lawyer tells you, just leave her out of it. She didn't do anything and she doesn't deserve to have to pay for our issues."
"Uh… ok." He was right. That did sound like a weird request, "I uh, heard that you moved in with her."
Once I said it I knew I shouldn't have. It made me sound like I was still jealous, which I was, but for completely different reasons than I had been just three short weeks ago.
Then it was the flirting, and the possibility of cheating. Now it was the closeness and the bond that they shared. It was him being able to tell her anything but not being able to tell me anything. It was them sharing a life when I should have been the one sharing his life. I knew they were just friends, although my heart told me that eventually they would be more, regardless of what they said now.
"We're just friends Haley." Nathan snapped.
"No, I know." I quickly replied, "I know that now. I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out like I was upset about you moving in there. I'm not mad about it. I'm relieved actually. I'm glad someone is there for you. The fact is Nathan, I know I made a big mistake leaving like I did. I should have listened every time you told me you were just friends and every time someone reassured me that you loved me and would never hurt me. I should have listened when Savannah told me that morning that it wasn't you but Nate, I was hurting a lot and I guess I just couldn't listen. I'm so sorry."
"Fine." Nathan said simply, "Your apology means nothing to me Haley. Fine, you're forgiven, but we will never ever be able to go back to what we had before. It's one thing for you to leave to pursue your dream. I could forgive that. I did forgive that. This is not you leaving to pursue your dream. This is you leaving for… no reason. You were hurt? Did you even think about how I felt, knowing that I did nothing wrong, and losing you anyway? I loved you Haley, with all my heart and I would have done anything for you. Now, we're just done."
I couldn't blame him. It hurt to hear him say that we wouldn't ever be able to go back to the way we were. It hurt more for him to say loved in the past tense as though he had already moved on. But as much as it hurt me, I could take responsibility for screwing up, and I knew ultimately, I had hurt him more.
"I gave up on you." I admitted, "I gave up on you for no reason and so I completely understand you giving up on me. I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt me, but I can understand it. You didn't deserve me leaving like I did. If I could have come home when I found out the truth, I would have, but I couldn't for two reasons."
I paused to see if he was going to ask what the two reasons were. Maybe he wouldn't want to hear them.
"What two reasons?" He asked quietly.
"Well, the first reason was because I signed a contract. The tour was so worried that I would skip out on them like I did the first time, they made me and at first it seemed like the right decision. Then I wanted to come home and I couldn't because I knew, even if I did, you would never forgive me."
"I told you Haley, I forgive you. Believe it or not, I understand why you would have thought what you thought and I understand why you couldn't hear the truth from Savannah, even though she told you before you left, but it doesn't change anything. You still made the decision to leave. You didn't answer my phone calls. You didn't wait for me to try to explain. You just left and that I can forgive but I can't forget the pain you caused."
The pain was apparent in his voice and I could feel the tears working their way to the surface in my eyes. I had never wanted to cause him so much pain.
"You remember when we said always and forever?" He asked and it sounded like he might start crying too.
"Of course." I wiped away the first tear that fell.
"I will always love you." Nathan sniffled a little, "I can just never be with you."
"I'll always love you too." I choked out, the tears falling freely now, "God, you will never know how sorry I am for hurting you."
Nathan sighed, clearly unsure of how to reply.
"I'm gonna go." He finally said, "I'll give the phone back to Lucas because I just… I don't have anything else to say."
I couldn't say goodbye. Goodbye felt too final, like I would never talk to him again. I couldn't say talk to you later, because I knew it wasn't true. I had nothing to say.
"Hales?" Lucas's voice replaced Nathan's and I felt the loss immediately, like a part of my life had just ended, and in a way I guess it had.
"Yeah?" I squeaked, trying to wipe away the tears.
"That was hard just to listen to. Are you ok?"
"No." I replied honestly, "This is so hard Lucas. What have I done? I'm the most horrible person in the world aren't I?"
"No." Lucas sighed, "You're not horrible Haley. You made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. This is a big one but, you can't take it back now. It is what it is."
I forced myself to stop crying, wiping away the tears and sniffling loudly.
"Tell me what's going on with you." I said, "I need to be distracted."
"Well, I have a really good one for you." Lucas laughed a little, "My mom, got engaged last night."
"What?" That was the last thing I had expected him to say, "You're joking right?"
"No. Not joking." Lucas was still laughing, "Larry proposed. She said yes."
"Oh my God Luke. Well…" I calmed down a little and sighed, "How do you feel about it?"
"I don't know how to feel Haley. I like Larry. He's a good guy but I just…"
"Always thought your mom would end up with Keith." I finished his sentence for him, "Yeah, me too kind of. It's kind of funny though I mean, you're gonna be Peyton's step brother and you know, back in the day when you totally wanted her…"
"Yeah, thanks Hales. That helps." Lucas responded sarcastically, but I knew he wasn't upset, "Peyton's pregnant by the way."
"She's… seriously?" Everything was happening to my friends and people I considered family and I wasn't even there to see it, "How'd Xander take it?"
"Not good. She wasn't at school today so I haven't seen her but from what I understand, she told Brooke about it in her room, forgetting that the webcam was on, and he was watching from Spain, so he saw her talking about it. Turns out Brooke, Camille, and Savannah all knew before he did."
"Ouch." I frowned, "That has to suck. I wish I knew if she was ok. I would call her but I know they're all mad at me for leaving."
"They're not mad Haley. They're all hurt. You're my best friend Hales so I can forgive you for leaving me but you haven't even called them once. You don't answer anyone's phone calls but mine. It's kind of a slap in the face to Brooke and Peyton and Nathan…"
"I wish I could make it better." I sighed.
"You can try Haley. You're not even trying! You could try calling and apologizing to them. I bet they would forgive you. Hell, Nathan just said he forgives you and he was the one hurt the most."
"Lucas! I… I just feel like I messed up so much that I can't even begin to repair the friendships that I've abandoned. It's like, I know I hurt so many people when I left but I don't know where to start."
"Start with a phone call Haley."
"I didn't call so that you could make me feel bad ok Luke? I'm kind of hurting here too ok? Right now I just can't deal with all that stuff."
"Haley…" Lucas sounded upset and it was weird that I suddenly felt semi at peace with Nathan and yet now I was fighting with Lucas, "They're your friend Hales. They aren't stuff. I'm not stuff to deal with ok? I love you but I think maybe you should get your priorities straight, then call me."
"Lucas, please don't do this. I'm sorry ok. I'm stressed and we're on the road. I haven't had much sleep."
"No more excuses Haley. We deserve better than that." Lucas yelled.
I couldn't believe that our conversation had taken such a violent turn for the worse. We were suddenly at odds and I wasn't even sure how we had gotten here. We were just talking a second ago about his mom and Peyton and now here we were, yelling at each other.
"Fine Lucas, I'm just gonna get off the phone now."
"Fine!"
"Fine!" I hung up on him and threw the phone across the bus, almost hitting one of the members of my newly formed band who happened to be walking by at the time, "Oh my god, Ben, I am so sorry."
"It's ok." Ben picked up my phone from where it landed on the couch across from me and handed it back, "You want this?"
"Not really. No one wants to talk to me anymore." I laughed, half sarcastically.
"I'm sure that's not true." He had his guitar with him and he began to absently strum a tune I had never heard, "Who were you just talking to?"
"My best friend…" I sighed, "Lucas. He's mad at me. Well, everyone at home is mad at me these days and I guess I don't really blame them, it's just that Lucas has always been different."
"He's not your um…" Ben pointed at his ring finger and I looked down at my wedding ring, quickly grabbing it and playing with it nervously.
"No. Not Lucas." I smiled and rolled my eyes, "Nathan. He's Lucas's brother actually. Younger by three months."
"Is that even possible?" Ben raised his eyebrows at me, continuing to play the song that was quickly grabbing my attention.
"It's possible when your dad is a man whore like theirs is." I explained, "What song are you playing?"
"It's not really a song yet." He responded as he stopped playing, "Well, it will be but I've just had this melody in my head that I can't get out and so, I don't know. I just play it, hoping words will come to me."
"Can you play it again? The melody is beautiful."
"Oh, um… yeah." He began to strum out a few notes. He played it slow at first, switching between two chords repeating for what would be the perfect area for a first verse. After repeating for a little bit he switched to a little faster strum and I could almost hear it going into the chorus where he strummed like he could hear it too, closing his eyes. A few words began to come to me.
"Ben. Can you start again from the beginning?"
He nodded and started again.
"I can honestly say, you've been on my mind, since I woke up today." I sang along with the beat, "I look at your photograph all the time. These memories come back to mind… wait."
He stopped and looked up at me with a smile.
"That sounded good. Why'd you stop?"
"That line needs something. Hold on." I jumped up to grab my song journal from where I kept it under my pillow and hurried back, opening to a blank page so I could jot down what I had just started, "These memories come back to mind… take me back in time… come back to life…"
"Come back to life." Ben added his input, "Try it from the beginning with come back to life."
He started again from the top and I again began to sing.
"I can honestly say, you've been on my mind, since I woke up today. I look at your photograph all the time. These memories come back to life." I smiled at him when it rolled off my tongue very easily, "And I don't mind."
He began to play it faster where it would be the chorus and I had to think for a second, looking down at my song journal. I was kind of pulling this song out of nowhere and yet from my experiences too. Maybe it would be best to just think about what I remembered of Nathan. If I was being honest with myself, this song was already going to be about him.
"Kiss… lips…" I wrote down words that came to my head and tried to put lyrics together, "Simple things… cry…"
I knew Ben was watching me but I couldn't get nervous now. This song was coming to me and it seemed to just flow. I couldn't stop just because I was embarrassed to let anyone see me write a song.
"Ben, you have any ex girlfriends?"
"Tons." He laughed with a sort of melancholy tone, "One in particular. Why?"
"What do you remember about her?"
"Um… well, there was this one time… we were in high school and we were supposed to go to the prom, but she got sick with the flu and couldn't go. She told me to go anyway but I wasn't going to go without her. The point was to be with her so instead, I went to her house and we watched movies together and at the end of the night I asked her to dance with me, which she did, but there was no music. We always used to talk about dancing with no music."
That was a really good story. It would work perfectly so I didn't say anything but grinned as I jotted down some more notes.
"Anything else?"
"Well, after we broke up, I remember hearing our song all the time and singing along to it, even though it hurt so much listening to it that… I shouldn't admit this, but I wanted to cry. It killed me."
I was still taking notes and his story reminded me to add some notes of my own.
"Those are really perfect for how I'm hearing the song in my head. Give me one second."
That one second turned into hours and before I knew it we were huddled around my song journal, sitting on the couch, Ben strumming his guitar, and me singing our newly written song.
"I can honestly say, you've been on my mind, since I woke up today. I look at your photograph all the time. These memories come back to life. And I don't mind."
He sped up for us to go into the chorus.
"I remember when we kissed. I still feel it on my lips. The time that you danced with me, with no music playing. I remember those simple things. I remember 'til I cry. But the one thing I wish I'd forget. The memory I wanna forget… is goodbye."
Ben smiled at me and encouraged me to keep going, although as we got further into the song, I could feel my tears starting to form.
"I woke up this morning and played our song. And through my tears I sang along. I picked up the phone and then put it down. 'Cause I know, I'm wasting my time. And I don't mind."
The guitar sped up a bit and we went back into the chorus.
"I remember when we kissed. I still feel it on my lips. The time that you danced with me, with no music playing. I remember the simple things. I remember 'til I cry. But the one thing I wish I'd forget. The memory I wanna forget…"
He played a little guitar solo as we geared up to go into the final verse, sang with more emotion than ever as the tears ran freely down my cheeks.
"Suddenly my cell phone's blowin' up, with your ringtone. I hesitate but answer it anyway. You sound so alone. And I'm surprised to hear you say…"
The guitar and my voice both dropped to almost a whisper. My words are more spoken then sung. I probably couldn't have sung if I wanted to through the tears.
"You remember when we kissed? You still feel it on your lips? The time that you danced with me, with no music playing. You remember the simple things. We talked 'til we cried. You said that your biggest regret. The one thing you wish I'd forget…"
I sang the last line with no guitar and almost choked on the words.
"Is saying goodbye."
Ben finished with one last guitar solo and when he had hit the last note he turned to me, clearly ecstatic, setting his guitar down and hugging me. I wanted to be happy, inside I was screaming that it was awesome we had just written a song, but I couldn't stop crying.
"Haley, that was amazing."
"Thanks." I tried to stop the tears and wipe them away, "I'm sorry I'm being such a baby it's just… It's hard."
Ben nodded.
"Your husband. He left you? I mean, I don't want to pry but…"
"No." I stopped him, sniffing up my tears, "No. He didn't leave me. I left him. I left him behind and it was the biggest mistake of my life."
Ben frowned, obviously not sure what to make of that little revelation.
"Why did you leave him?" He asked.
I hesitated to answer, because the truth sounded stupid even in my head. The truth was stupid. I had been stupid but I couldn't take it back. It was history and it could not be rewritten.
"The truth is, I left him because of a misunderstanding. I thought he cheated on me. He didn't, but I didn't trust him, so I signed on to get on this tour and, left. I left him, my friends, my life, high school…"
"Whoa. Shut up! You're still in high school?"
"Yeah." I nodded and managed a smile, "A senior. I'll be 18 in a couple months."
"How are you married then?"
This time I laughed.
"Oh, that is a long story."
"I have all night." Ben raised his eyebrow at me and snuggled into the couch cushions like he was getting comfortable, "Enlighten me. It sounds like you need to get a lot off your chest anyway."
He had a point. I did have a lot to get off my chest and it didn't hurt if he was willing to listen.
"Well, it started last year. Lucas and Nathan share the same dad…"
As I told him the whole sordid story about Dan, Lucas joining the basketball team, Nathans hazing and the way we began our relationship, it was actually lifting a huge weight off my shoulders. It felt good to have someone listen to my story. To have someone to share my side of everything with and somehow I knew he wasn't going to judge me.
"What town did you say you were from?" Ben asked as I was nearing the end of my story several hours later.
"Tree Hill, North Carolina." I responded, "We're like a dot on a map, sometimes not even a dot. Usually you have to zoom way in on mapquest to find us."
"Well, it is a very tiny world then. Did you happen to know a Jake Jagielski?"
My mouth fell open and I sort of laughed.
"Uh, yeah. He played basketball with Nathan and Lucas. Has a small daughter named Jenny with a crazy bitch named Nikki?"
Ben laughed hard at that line.
"Nikki's my sister." Ben suddenly blurted, still laughing, "This tour suddenly just got a lot more interesting."
My mouth fell open and I was left completely speechless. There was nothing else to say.
