Au note:
After 28 chapters, maybe it's time for some disclaimers. The original LOCI characters belong to Dick Wolf. My versions are but pale, warped imitations. Any vague resemblance to the originals is purely coincidental. So please don't sue.Reviews and comments (positive or negative, as long as they are polite) are always welcome. Comments in the form of limericks are greeted with particular glee.
Oh yeah in addition to Kiera and RivErStaR who wanted some limericks from Alex's POV the train of thought that lead to this chapter and the previous chapter was inspired by Gem at the lawandordercriminalintentfanfic listing who posted a non-fic 'rant' on why she thought Alex and Bobby shouldn't be a romantic couple.
Spoilers for
Anti-thesis, Cherry Red, Phantom, Legion, The Third Horseman and um that one where he eats the picklesSummary:
I know I promised an explanation but firstNow she's recovered from a serious case of writers' cramp it turns out Alex was just warming to her subject. Armed with the pens of ALL the female Major Case Squad employees, she once again retreats to the ladies' room.
And for those of you who are wondering why Alex has so much more to say than Bobby just remember 1) she is a woman 2) she has fewer obvious quirks for him to comment on & 3)I'll let him explain that for himself.
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Goren Senior's an unknown
Though we've talked on the phone
Bobby considers it gall
His father expects HIM to call
So refuses to even toss Dad that bone.
On her meds she's delightful
But the phone bills are frightful!
What CAN his Mom say
For two hours each day?
I'm sorry if that sounds kind of spiteful.
There'd be no point to rail
About those SCENTS he inhales
I remember one case
Where Bobby stuck his WHOLE face -
You don't want to hear the details.
It's ludicrous really
Bobby's too touchy-feelly -
Just when you'd think
You would kill for a drink
He'd be whispering of love in Swahili.
He agrees with the Court
On a woman's right to abort
But the thought sends a dart
Through Bobby's Catholic heart
Seriously undermining his support.
My chiropractor, Dr. Fine
Says Bobby's ruining his spine
The way he scrunches his neck
It'll soon be a wreck -
His employability's gonna sharply decline.
If we went on a date
I just KNOW he'd be late -
He'd need stats to support
His enjoyment of sport
And he'd obstruct MY view of "home plate"!
After hours of hot sun
Those shoes wouldn't be fun
They wouldn't smell sweet
When removed from his feet
Their odor would be next to none.
And when Manhattan's temperatures are cold
That down jacket's a sight to behold
The Ghostbusters know joy
Seein' Poppin' Fresh, Doughboy
Do you suppose Bobby's ever been told?
I'd be certain of flack
For my magazine rack
Cosmopolitan and Elle
Full of ads for Chanell
Not ONE Car and Driver in the stack!
"Okay Bobby, so I lost
When that d@mn coin was tossed
A gentleman would have let ME take the seat
Of that cherry red treat
And left HIMSELF breathing the exhaust!"
To any hot-blooded male
A whale's never "just a whale"
You can't tell ME Bobby's goal
Was not to score with Nicole
Before he sent her to jail!
I know that I'd cower
Whenever HE took a shower
My budget would teeter
On my spinning water meter
A man his size must take 'least an hour!
From all Bobby's said
I'll bet he reads in his bed
I'd have to fight him each night
To make him turn out the light -
One more reason we'll never be wed!
I admit I don't care
To see Bobby bare
If I can't be impressed
With a man fully dressed
I've no need to view what's down there.
The perp's emotions he'll engage
Like some omniscient sage
But to be bluntly concise
Bobby's never worked vice
Now there's a job that teaches you rage!
It would be quite a test
To knit Bobby a vest
A girl would need enough yarn
To fill a small barn
But another stocking cap would leave him depressed.
The man can be so obsessive
About a misused possessive
If you write "here and their"
He'll growl like a bear
It's really becoming oppressive.
I've watched that man dine
On Kosher cukes soaked in brine
Thanks, but I've had my fill
Of lips that taste of sour dill
They're not what I want pressed to mine.
Bobby's brain doesn't need
To be ramped up on speed
Any old classic car
Or cold beer at a bar
Will make him excited indeed.
You can see at a glance
If we wanted to dance
I'd have to wear 8 inch heels
Or force him to kneel
Sorry - there isn't a chance!
It brings me no satisfaction -
He's too into abstraction
Bobby has lovely eyes
And muscular thighs
But still, there's a lack of attraction.
It's not info I need
But I admit I'm intrigued
Was "Lola" knowledgeable about stars
Or avoiding drunks in posh bars?
And was it she or her cats made him bleed?
Oh no! Not that CRAP!
Bobby's enamoured of rap
That he sings in the shower
Off-key - but with power
I'd just wanna give him a slap!
There was a time I would scheme
To make Bobby my dream
But once I knew
About that tattoo
He plummeted in my esteem
Could I learn not to critique
A poker game every week?
He would expect praise
For cleaning ashtrays
While the curtains continued to reek!
So you think that I'm fazed
'Cause he makes bouillabaisse?
When I'm eating alone
I choose 'cooking' by phone
It's just the way I was raised!
My family hurls threats
When watching the Mets
If I brought Bobby home
He'd be on his own
If he made my father upset.
I'd be nuts taking a chance
On a workplace romance
He may be a magician
But that's NOT my ambition
I want my career to ADVANCE!
Besides Bobby prefers
Leggy models in furs
Who respond with a smile
When he seeks to beguile
By plying them with fancy liqueurs.
I've known men before
Who will open a door
Treat the toilet seat with care
Or pull out your chair
In a husband I'm looking for more
Now all you old biddy hens
Have lent me your pens
There's still not enough ink
To express what I think
I'm gonna have to go borrow the mens'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And when Alex returns to the ladies' room after borrowing Deakins' pen...
Alright! I'll concede
Sex may be what I need
Bobby knows what goes where
I'd have no concerns there
But I STILL don't want him DOIN' THE DEED!
If I stayed here all night
And continued to write
On the walls and the floor
'Til there was room for no more
There would still be tons left to recite.
It would be apropos
If I'd nothing to show
For defacing this space
But a serious case
Of carpel tunnel - that would be a low blow!
So to summarize briefly
I don't feel he's beneath me
But while I've never found him boring
Neither am I adoring
His smirk - That's what bothers me chiefly!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Au note:
There is no real proof that anyone told Bobby about the writing on the ladies' room walls but the following, neatly typed on a piece of stationary labeled "From the desk of Robert Goren", is highly suggestive. It was found posted on the door, just below the sign proclaiming 'LADIES'.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everything about Eames is swell
And if it wasn't - well hell!
Mom's drummed into my ears
For the past 40 years
It's wrong for a gentleman to tell!
But I'll admit I'm dejected
To be summarily rejected
I thought she'd approve
If I made the first move
This response was completely unexpected
