Au note: After 28 chapters, maybe it's time for some disclaimers. The original LOCI characters belong to Dick Wolf. My versions are but pale, warped imitations. Any vague resemblance to the originals is purely coincidental. So please don't sue.

Reviews and comments (positive or negative, as long as they are polite) are always welcome. Comments in the form of limericks are greeted with particular glee.

Oh yeah in addition to Kiera and RivErStaR who wanted some limericks from Alex's POV the train of thought that lead to this chapter and the previous chapter was inspired by Gem at the lawandordercriminalintentfanfic listing who posted a non-fic 'rant' on why she thought Alex and Bobby shouldn't be a romantic couple.

Spoilers for Anti-thesis, Cherry Red, Phantom, Legion, The Third Horseman and um that one where he eats the pickles

Summary: I know I promised an explanation but first

Now she's recovered from a serious case of writers' cramp it turns out Alex was just warming to her subject. Armed with the pens of ALL the female Major Case Squad employees, she once again retreats to the ladies' room.

And for those of you who are wondering why Alex has so much more to say than Bobby just remember 1) she is a woman 2) she has fewer obvious quirks for him to comment on & 3)I'll let him explain that for himself.

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Goren Senior's an unknown

Though we've talked on the phone

Bobby considers it gall

His father expects HIM to call

So refuses to even toss Dad that bone.

On her meds she's delightful

But the phone bills are frightful!

What CAN his Mom say

For two hours each day?

I'm sorry if that sounds kind of spiteful.

There'd be no point to rail

About those SCENTS he inhales

I remember one case

Where Bobby stuck his WHOLE face -

You don't want to hear the details.

It's ludicrous really

Bobby's too touchy-feelly -

Just when you'd think

You would kill for a drink

He'd be whispering of love in Swahili.

He agrees with the Court

On a woman's right to abort

But the thought sends a dart

Through Bobby's Catholic heart

Seriously undermining his support.

My chiropractor, Dr. Fine

Says Bobby's ruining his spine

The way he scrunches his neck

It'll soon be a wreck -

His employability's gonna sharply decline.

If we went on a date

I just KNOW he'd be late -

He'd need stats to support

His enjoyment of sport

And he'd obstruct MY view of "home plate"!

After hours of hot sun

Those shoes wouldn't be fun

They wouldn't smell sweet

When removed from his feet

Their odor would be next to none.

And when Manhattan's temperatures are cold

That down jacket's a sight to behold

The Ghostbusters know joy

Seein' Poppin' Fresh, Doughboy

Do you suppose Bobby's ever been told?

I'd be certain of flack

For my magazine rack

Cosmopolitan and Elle

Full of ads for Chanell

Not ONE Car and Driver in the stack!

"Okay Bobby, so I lost

When that d@mn coin was tossed

A gentleman would have let ME take the seat

Of that cherry red treat

And left HIMSELF breathing the exhaust!"

To any hot-blooded male

A whale's never "just a whale"

You can't tell ME Bobby's goal

Was not to score with Nicole

Before he sent her to jail!

I know that I'd cower

Whenever HE took a shower

My budget would teeter

On my spinning water meter

A man his size must take 'least an hour!

From all Bobby's said

I'll bet he reads in his bed

I'd have to fight him each night

To make him turn out the light -

One more reason we'll never be wed!

I admit I don't care

To see Bobby bare

If I can't be impressed

With a man fully dressed

I've no need to view what's down there.

The perp's emotions he'll engage

Like some omniscient sage

But to be bluntly concise

Bobby's never worked vice

Now there's a job that teaches you rage!

It would be quite a test

To knit Bobby a vest

A girl would need enough yarn

To fill a small barn

But another stocking cap would leave him depressed.

The man can be so obsessive

About a misused possessive

If you write "here and their"

He'll growl like a bear

It's really becoming oppressive.

I've watched that man dine

On Kosher cukes soaked in brine

Thanks, but I've had my fill

Of lips that taste of sour dill

They're not what I want pressed to mine.

Bobby's brain doesn't need

To be ramped up on speed

Any old classic car

Or cold beer at a bar

Will make him excited indeed.

You can see at a glance

If we wanted to dance

I'd have to wear 8 inch heels

Or force him to kneel

Sorry - there isn't a chance!

It brings me no satisfaction -

He's too into abstraction

Bobby has lovely eyes

And muscular thighs

But still, there's a lack of attraction.

It's not info I need

But I admit I'm intrigued

Was "Lola" knowledgeable about stars

Or avoiding drunks in posh bars?

And was it she or her cats made him bleed?

Oh no! Not that CRAP!

Bobby's enamoured of rap

That he sings in the shower

Off-key - but with power

I'd just wanna give him a slap!

There was a time I would scheme

To make Bobby my dream

But once I knew

About that tattoo

He plummeted in my esteem

Could I learn not to critique

A poker game every week?

He would expect praise

For cleaning ashtrays

While the curtains continued to reek!

So you think that I'm fazed

'Cause he makes bouillabaisse?

When I'm eating alone

I choose 'cooking' by phone

It's just the way I was raised!

My family hurls threats

When watching the Mets

If I brought Bobby home

He'd be on his own

If he made my father upset.

I'd be nuts taking a chance

On a workplace romance

He may be a magician

But that's NOT my ambition

I want my career to ADVANCE!

Besides Bobby prefers

Leggy models in furs

Who respond with a smile

When he seeks to beguile

By plying them with fancy liqueurs.

I've known men before

Who will open a door

Treat the toilet seat with care

Or pull out your chair

In a husband I'm looking for more

Now all you old biddy hens

Have lent me your pens

There's still not enough ink

To express what I think

I'm gonna have to go borrow the mens'.

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And when Alex returns to the ladies' room after borrowing Deakins' pen...

Alright! I'll concede

Sex may be what I need

Bobby knows what goes where

I'd have no concerns there

But I STILL don't want him DOIN' THE DEED!

If I stayed here all night

And continued to write

On the walls and the floor

'Til there was room for no more

There would still be tons left to recite.

It would be apropos

If I'd nothing to show

For defacing this space

But a serious case

Of carpel tunnel - that would be a low blow!

So to summarize briefly

I don't feel he's beneath me

But while I've never found him boring

Neither am I adoring

His smirk - That's what bothers me chiefly!

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Au note: There is no real proof that anyone told Bobby about the writing on the ladies' room walls but the following, neatly typed on a piece of stationary labeled "From the desk of Robert Goren", is highly suggestive. It was found posted on the door, just below the sign proclaiming 'LADIES'.

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Everything about Eames is swell

And if it wasn't - well hell!

Mom's drummed into my ears

For the past 40 years

It's wrong for a gentleman to tell!

But I'll admit I'm dejected

To be summarily rejected

I thought she'd approve

If I made the first move

This response was completely unexpected