SONG: (Reason to hope) by Ron Pope
CHAPTER 27
IT GETS BETTER
Misaki's POV
It was hard, much harder than I had expected. I held on to Usagi-san tighter as the feeling overwhelmed me. He kept trying to help me calm down and help me understand that it was not my fault. But I couldn't stop the feeling of how much it hurt, how hard it was.
I missed him a lot. The memories that were jogged by these things that he kept for all this time only added to that. I never thought I would lose him so soon and it was killing me. Even though it happened right in front of me, I still can't bring myself to wrap my mind around it.
He was gone. He was never coming back and there was nothing I could do about it. No matter how much I wished for it to happen, it was over. Nothing I could do would bring him back to me. No matter how much I cried, it would never happen. Even though I realize that, I still can't stop the tears from flowing. The pain was too much and I can't handle it no matter how much I try. The tears were sort of the only release I had, the only way I could let all the crushing amount of feelings out.
Usagi's POV
Watching him fall apart all over again was so painful, and yet I did the only thing that I could: I held him as tightly as I could. His body trembled against mine as his tears fell freely down his face, only to be soaked up by my shirt as he kept his face buried against my chest.
Words that I hoped would calm him down escaped my lips in light whispers against his ear. His tears seemed to not want to stop falling, his grip firm on the back of my shirt. I could almost feel his pain in my soul. My precious Misaki was in pain and it took everything in me not to cry myself at how broken it left him.
From the corner of my eyes I saw the door open in a small crack. Manami peered around it before stepping into the room, her eyes tearful. I hoped that she had not heard or saw Misaki this way, but apparently she had a first-row-seat as he broke down. She seemed to have heard his words from earlier, apologizing for what was not his fault and then asking for his brother back, his voice and words so broken.
She stepped closer before kneeling next us. Misaki didn't seem to notice. She glanced at the still open album with pictures of a happy Misaki with his grinning brother. Such a happy picture had caused more sorrow then it was meant to. Her hand lowered to the cover as she slowly flipped it closed to reveal 'PRECIOUS LITTLE MISAKI' as its title.
She took a deep breath before closing her eyes for no longer than a second, as if to control her own tears. She then moved the book aside before reaching for the red coat that was now lying on the ground next to where I was holding Misaki. She folded it neatly before laying it over the album, concealing what was written on the cover with it.
Manami then crawled a bit closer before dropping a gentle hand over Misaki's back, right above my own hand that was holding him close. Her other hand reached upwards to the side of his hidden face. She tucked a few strands of his chestnut locks behind his ears with a mother-like touch.
"Misaki-chan… honey, it will be alright…" Her voice was a gentle comforting whisper close to his ear. The hand that was on his back pressed firmer against him as I pulled him closer once he choked on yet another heart-wracking sob.
"I'm sorry that this had to happen. I'm sorry that you had to lose yet another person you loved so deeply… Life might be cruel sometimes, but I promise you it will get easier… The sting of it might never completely disappear, but it won't hurt as bad… You will be alright… I will always be there for you and I am positively sure that Usami-san will be as well… We love you so much… You are not alone, Misaki-chan…"
"I-I…" He was trying to say something, but his whimpers increased. He turned his head slightly to the side, turning his face further away from Manami. "N-nii-chan… Nii-c-chan-n…" His sobs were muffled, but we could still hear him as he called out to his brother, my heart shattering to pieces. I kept running my fingers through his hair, but nothing seemed to work at that point.
"Shhh… Misaki, how about we go back home…? I will pick up those things later. We could go home for now, how about that?" I asked him, my voice still a whisper. I was thankful that he seemed to listen as he nodded his head against my shoulder. "Come on then…"
I brushed his hair back, in hopes of him looking at me, but he didn't seem to want to move. I reluctantly pushed him lightly to un-wrap his arms slightly. His head moved back slowly, but he kept his eyes down, his bangs covering them. I sighed lightly before I leaned forward placing a light kiss on his brow. He was still crying, his hand trying to wipe at his tears before he finally gave up on that, dropping them to his sides.
"Let's go." I helped him onto his feet, but before we started walking towards the door, he glanced at where he had left some of the things on the ground next to the boxes. He stepped past Manami, who was now standing next to us, before he leaned over and picked up the teddy bear, the album, and the coat that was still over it. He held them close to him with his back still to us. His shoulders where tense and shook as he kept on crying.
I stepped closer to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders as I guided him towards the door with Manami following close behind. Once we reached the front door, I turned around to her. Misaki kept staring at the door, his tears still falling. I told her that I would be picking up the rest of the things maybe on another day, and she told me that she would have them ready.
I turned back to Misaki, who seemed to be in his own world, his mind somewhere else. Manami stepped closer, stopping close to Misaki as she seemed to contemplate whether to hug him or not, before placing a hand on his shoulder. Misaki still seemed oblivious to her touch as he stayed still. His body continued to shake with his now lighter crying.
She stepped away, giving up with a sigh as she noticed that nothing seemed to help. "Please take care of him… Let me know if he needs anything," she said after she turned towards me. I nodded before placing my arm back around Misaki's shoulders. Once out the door though, she called after us hastily. "Usami-san, wait a second! Dear me, how could I have forgotten…"
"What is it, Manami-san?"
"Give me a second…" she said as she rushed back into her bedroom and then emerged shortly after. "I'm sorry… I just found those last night…"
I took the two envelopes she handed me and looked at them curiously for a second before asking her "What are those…?"
"I-I found them in Takahiro's things… There were a few actually, one addressed to each one of us… I am not sure what he wrote in them. I didn't have the courage to read mine yet…"
"Thank you." She nodded and we said our goodbyes before I guided Misaki back to the car. I opened the passenger door for him and waited for him to get in. He stared at the seat for the longest time, seeming to be thinking of something else when I finally called him. "Misaki…"
His arms tightened around the three objects that he still held in his arms before he took in a deep breath and finally got in. I shut the door behind him before making my way around the car.
I closed the door after myself and looked towards Misaki. He had the album and jacket sitting in his lap along with the bear. Both his arms were wrapped around the stuffed animal as he stared downwards. His sobs that had seemed to lessen after we left the apartment were heavier now. His hair was still hiding his eyes, showing nothing but the tears that streamed down his face as his sobs increased. I wrapped my arm around him and pulled him closer to me, his head resting on my shoulder as I started the car and headed down the street.
We stopped at a traffic light a few minutes later. His breaths were a bit rugged, which made me tilt my head forward to glance at his face. He had a hand clenched in a tight grip over his chest, his breathing getting harsher by the second as his body wrecking with sobs.
"Misaki, are you alright?" I was concerned. He was still weak from the sudden illness that struck him and Nowaki had said not to get him stressed. His sobs and whimpers apparently were only causing it to become worse.
"…H-hurt-s…" he managed to say between his sobs.
"Love, you have to calm down, ok? Just take deep breaths…" The cars behind me started to honk their horns as the traffic light switched to green. "Shit…" I cursed under my breath. I was really worried as I started forward, heading into the next street and parking at the side of it. I leaned Misaki back into his seat, my fingers brushing his hair out of his face. He grimaced before he started to cough violently, making me cringe.
I reached into my pocked as I pulled out the small bottle that contained his medicine once I remembered I had it. I took out a couple of pills, handing them to him once he stopped coughing, only to then start gasping desperately for breath. "Shhh, it'll be alright," I whispered to him as I pulled him up and rubbed my hand up and down his back in hopes of lessening the pain he was in. "Take these…" I told him as I placed the tablets near his parted lips that were pulling air through into his lungs harshly.
I leaned him back into the seat again after he had swallowed the pills, his head resting against the headrest. His tear stained face was reddened, his eyes red-rimmed and swollen as he kept on crying. I reached my hand to his face, lightly cupping his cheek in my hand as I swept the tears away with my thumb. His eyes were closed as he concentrated on evening his breathing to lessen the strain on his heart. "Deep breaths, Misaki… Enough crying for now… enough tears please… Everything will be fine. Just breathe, ok…"
My fingers brushed across his skin as gently as possible, feathering over his cheek and the side of his neck before coming back to wipe his tears away. He still had a grip on his bear with one arm, holding it close. His other hand trembled as he reached blindly, his eyes still closed, in my direction. I grabbed it tightly in mine as he squeezed his fingers around it.
I waited patiently in my seat as his breathing started to become at least a little closer to normal. He slumped in his seat, my hand grabbing his tightly and the other resting against his cheek, wiping at the dampness that his tears never stopped creating.
"I-I'm… 'k…" he muttered between deep breaths, his eyes still closed. I leaned over, pulling his head closer as I placed a firm kiss against his forehead, my lips lingering there longer than intended as I felt relief that he seemed to be able to breathe easier now.
I pulled back, resting my brow over his, my nose touching his. I finally sat straight in the driver's seat, my hand still clamped tightly over his, handling the steering wheel with the other. Finally reaching the house and parking the car, I helped Misaki, who was struggling on his wobbling legs, to the top floor, reaching our home.
Once in bed, underneath the covers, Misaki seemed to be out of it. Not that he had fallen asleep, which I had hoped for, but instead his half-lidded eyes stared at the distance as he lied there on his side. His arms were still wrapped around the stuffed animal, holding it close as his tears ran freely down his face and onto the pillow beneath his head.
I hated seeing him this way.
Nowaki's POV
"He is your patient! Aren't you supposed to be checking on him?" Hiro-san asked me angrily. I was used to his outbursts by now, but this time I was more amused as he was worrying about one of my patients… more like his friends lover and the other one's brother… but still, it was something new.
I have always known that Hiro-san was a very gentle, loving, cute man… even though he would slaughter me if he heard me say it… doesn't mean that I don't from time to time…
"I think I'm going to this afternoon after I am finished with my shift," I replied as we shared a rare breakfast together. "Would Hiro-san like to join me?" I asked him while I took a bite from my omelet innocently.
"I will be busy and I don't have time for that kinda crap." He blew up in anger, but I ignored it, as I usually did, and went back to eating.
That afternoon, after an unusual short shift, I stepped out of the hospital only to be met by Hiro-san, who was leaning against the outer wall close to the door.
"Took you long enough!" he yelled at me in irritation. I couldn't help the smile that spread on my face. I knew that he would come with me to Usami-san's place.
"I thought you weren't coming…?" Even though I knew he was going to show up didn't mean that I wasn't going to act as if I didn't only to get the cute reaction that I wanted… which I did.
Hiro-san blushed a dark shade of red as he yelled at me once again. "Well I remembered that I needed this book the Akihiko had borrowed and he still has it. That's the only reason I'm going, so wipe that smile off of your face or I'm going to punch it off!" He turned around once he was done and I followed him quietly, still smiling as we walked to the train station.
When we were finally in front of the apartment building, I realized that I had forgotten something important. "Hiro-san… I sort of forgot to call… Every time I was about to, I was interrupted and…"
He groaned in annoyance before saying "Well whatever. I'm not going back." With that, he rang the bell anyway.
"Hiro-san, it's rude to visit someone without calling in advance…" Hiro-san gave me a glare. I didn't want to test his temper because I already knew how that would end, so I stopped talking as the front door to the apartment opened.
"Nowaki-san, Hiroki, what are you two doing here?" Usami-san seemed to not be in the mood for guests.
"I am sorry for the sudden visit, Usami-san. I was hoping to see how Misaki-kun was doing and it completely slipped my mind to call in advance." I replied as politely as I could, only to have Hiro-san knock the whole thing down by saying
"No need to be so polite. Move aside and let us in," he declared as he pushed past Usami-san and into the apartment. Usami-san stared after him before sighing and turning back to me.
"Please, come in," Usami-san said politely as he gestured into the house. I went inside and stood in the living room where Hiroki had plumped down onto one of the red sofas.
"How is he doing?" I asked once Usami-san entered the room.
He seemed to hesitate for a second before he frowned and said "Not so good…"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Hiro-san asked in impatience from where he sat.
"It means he is still sick… He was alright for the past few days after we came back from the hospital, but that seemed to change when…" He trailed off before he sighed and added "Well you chose a perfect time to visit, I guess…"
"What happened?" Hiro-san asked, a bit of his concern leaking into his words.
"Hiro-san, that's not nice. We…"
"Well I only asked what happened! Don't be…"
"It's ok." Usami-san said, interrupting as Hiro-san started to yell loudly. "Manami-san had started to pack Takahiro's thing and asked Misaki to come over to see if he wanted to keep any of the things…"
He didn't have to continue for us to understand what happened.
"And you let him go?" Hiro-san jumped in.
"Well it wasn't up to me, now was it?" Usami-san returned with irritation.
"What happened to no stress?" he persisted.
"Hiro-san…" I tried to stop him, but he went on.
"I thought you were supposed to make sure nothing happened to him." I wasn't sure why Hiro-san seemed to care a lot about the kid even though he just met him.
"You're right… "Usami-san said, leaving us both shocked. I remember hearing about Usami-san a lot from Hiro-san and this isn't what I had imagined. For him to back down so easily and not reply in the same way he was spoken to… He seemed to be really distraught about everything.
"Of course I am," Hiro-san added after he got over the initial shock. He then sighed and stood up. "Maybe Nowaki could take a look at him then…" he said in a much gentler way.
"I would appreciate that. He is doing much better than a few hours ago though…"
"That's good" I said as I followed him along with Hiro-san up the stairs and to the bedroom that Misaki-kun was in.
The room was dark when we entered, lit only by a nightstand lamp that was on the other side of where Misaki-kun lied. Dim sunrays helped some by escaping through the sides of the drapes.
Misaki-kun didn't seem to mind any of it though, not even the fact that we were in the room. His eyes were staring at the blank wall that he faced as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. His eyes were half-lidded as he fought the apparent tiredness that he was feeling. He had silent tears that ran down his face. He let them set a continuous trail, not bothering to wipe them away. His arms were wrapped around something. When I got closer I was able to see that it was some worn-out, faded in color, stuffed animal: a bear to be exact.
I stopped at the foot at the bed, with Hiro-san next to me, as Usami-san went to his side. He sat next to Misaki-kun on the bed and glanced down at him, his eyes saddened by how broken the kid was. His hand reached forward as he brushed some of Misaki's locks out of his eyes, getting his attention at the same time.
"Misaki…" he spoke his name gently as if it was the most precious thing that could ever escape his lips. Misaki-kun's exceptional green eyes looked up at him for a brief moment before he closed them shut and leaned into Usami-san's touch.
"Usagi-san… I'm alright," he whispered back his answer, his voice sounding as tired as he looked, strained even, from the crying he apparently had been doing for a while. When his eyes opened again, he was staring at the wall once more, going back to whatever was on his mind. Usami-san's thumb brushed under Misaki's left eye, wiping away the tears as they continued to fall.
"Nowaki-san is here to see you… Hiroki as well," he added that only to get nothing in response. He sighed and looked back at us. He nodded to me before he got off of the bed, leaning down to place a chaste kiss on Misaki's temple before he stepped away giving me space to come closer to where Misaki was.
I sat on the chair that was pulled to the side of the bed as I set my bag to the ground. "Hello, Misaki-kun." I didn't receive a response either. It was like he just shut off everything around him for the time being. I reached forward slowly, not wanting to startle him as I took one of his wrists into my hand to check his pulse. After a few seconds, I let go of his hand and I placed it back around the bear he was holding.
I heard Hiro-san tell Usami-san something about wanting to speak to him and both of them left the room together, closing the door behind them. "Misaki-kun…? How are you feeling?" He glanced at me after a while of silence and then back at the wall.
"I… don't know…" he admitted, his voice barely a whisper. I didn't know what that meant. I was sure that he was upset about his brother… more than that even, but I wanted to make sure that he is at least physically alright.
"Does anything hurt?" He took in a sharp breath and held it for a while before new tears began to spill from his eyes.
"E-everything…" he whispered, his voice broken as he stuttered the word. I knew what he meant by it: he was talking about how his life was turning out and how it pained him to lose a part of his family.
I reached over and placed a hand on his shoulder to try and comfort him. His eyes still weren't meeting mine. "Can you tell me if you have been sleeping?"
"I-it's the only thing that I have been doing… even though I keep having nightmares and waking up in the middle of the night because of them…" He trailed off, his eyes now on me. "But I keep going back to sleep because…"
"You're tired?" I tried to fill in when he paused, but he took in a short breath before shaking his head and correcting me.
"Because… my life is now the worst nightmare I could ever have…" he managed, apparently trying to hold back a sob that made him choke on his words. It made me frown. I hated seeing others in pain. I wanted to help him but I didn't know how.
"Misaki-kun, it won't be this bad for long. You'll be able to move on sooner or later." I tried to comfort him.
He stared at me for the longest moment before he asked, with hesitation in his voice, "C-can I ask you something?"
"Of course, anything."
"I… I don't know what to do… I want to stop being like this… I'm trying to. I keep trying to stop crying, because I see how much it hurts him, but I can't help it. The tears just keep falling and I can't stop thinking… The… the only reason I don't mind being awake is because he's here… Because of him being close it's easier. It makes me feel better, but… what do I do… I'm so confused…" His brows frowned to show that he was trying to think of something as his words trailed off.
"About what?" I asked him, not really understanding the question he was trying to ask.
"H-how do I… I want to stop bringing him down with me… I want to stop hurting him, and every time I try to, something happens. And I hate how weak that makes me, but I can't help it… I am weak. I don't know what to do to help him when I can't help myself. I can hardly do anything without him. I'm worried about him… Nii-chan and him were so close… Even though he would say he is ok, I know he isn't and I hate that I can barely deal with all of this myself… I hate being so selfish." His tears were falling heavier now as he tried to explain his feelings to me. I finally understood that he was talking about Usami-san. He was really worried about him.
"Misaki-kun, Usami-san is strong and I believe he could handle this…"
"I wish he would tell me… I wish he would trust me more..."
"I'm sure he does, Misaki-kun."
"Then why does he keep it all inside when I am here?"
"I think he does it for you." He looked at me, confused for a second, before I added, "I have seen how much love he has for you. I'm sure that he doesn't want to burden you. Misaki-kun, we all can see that you have been through enough and-…"
"I want to stop being this way… I hate being this way…" I frowned then smiled lightly at him.
"How about this, Misaki-kun? Try getting better first. And after that you could start working on trying to do things you used to like, maybe…?"
"Cooking meals…" he added softly after he sniffled.
"Yes, that…" My smile widened slightly at that and then I added "Then slowly your life will start making sense again. Maybe after that you could do what you want to do, which is try and help Usami-san. What do you say?"
He didn't look convinced for a second, and then he nodded as he quiet down a bit more "It won't be easy…" he whispered. "It wasn't as hard when I lost my parents… Maybe because I was younger, but nii-chan…"
"Misaki-kun, I don't know if I could relate since I didn't even meet my parents to begin with, but I know how it is to be raised by someone else and considering them your only family… There might be times in your life, like now, when you feel like nothing makes sense, like the whole world is against you, and your happiness is so far away that you can't ever reach it, but don't ever give up. Keep looking forward. Never stop to look behind or it will drag you down.
"It might not be easy, but I believe that you're as strong as Usami-san is. You will be able to handle it. Just remember one important thing. You will never be alone as long as you have at least one person that loves you and loves standing by you. That's what always helps me when I am having a bad day. Just hold on to the one you love."
He seemed to be thinking about it for the longest time before whispering a thank you, which I nodded to, still smiling at him.
"I'm sorry…" I looked at him with confusion as to what he was apologizing for, but he explained right away. "I didn't mean to say all that… It just…"
"Don't worry about it, Misaki-kun. Sometimes you need someone to talk to, and if you ever need that again, just know that I will be there, okay?" He looked at me with grateful eyes that made me smile at him once more.
Usagi's POV
I stood there at the door as Hiroki kept going on about something that I didn't really find interesting. When he was finally done, I turned around to go back into the room when I heard Misaki talking to Nowaki through the small crack in the door that I left when I stepped out with Hiroki.
I felt my heart race against my chest as I listened to the words that Misaki spoke. Everything he said made my heart feel… I wasn't sure… I hated hearing what he said about his life being a nightmare, but then he said that the only reason he woke up was to be with me, and I felt my eyes clouding up and blurring my vision.
He was worried about me. I didn't want him to be. I wanted him focus on himself, on getting better. He was miserable and heartbroken, and yet, he was still worried about me.
All I wanted at that moment was to walk in there and hold him as closely as I could, but for some reason, my heart ached more as each word passed his lips, especially when I heard his sobs. Even though most of what he said was slightly above whispers, I heard most of it. I tried to blink away the tears that threatened to shed, but they kept gathering behind my lids.
Hiroki stood right behind me, listening as well, as I focused on the conversation going on behind the door. I was grateful for the words that the doctor said to Misaki to comfort him. When Hiroki placed a hand on my shoulder, it startled me slightly, but then I went back to listening.
"Akihiko…" Hiroki called when Misaki was thanking Nowaki as their talk ended and the room filled with silence. I stood there for a second longer before I turned to the side, avoiding Hiroki and keeping my face hidden as I made my way next door to the bathroom. I shut the door and locked it behind me just as the tears I held back made their way down my face.
Yeah, this is it… I told myself as, even when I wiped at the tears that fell, they continued to descend. This was it all right. I couldn't hold back anymore as I broke down right then and there. I sat down next to the door, leaning against the wall and letting the tears fall freely. Just this once… I promised myself as I let myself cry the tears that I had held back for this long.
All my life I had been through so many things, but this was the hardest thing that had ever happened. It didn't just affect me this time and that's what made it worse. This time it also affected the one I cared about most, and it hurt so much to see him in such pain. The whole thing was devastating and, as much as I tried to deny it, it felt even worse now.
I was going to stay with him no matter what. I will be strong for him and be there for him no matter how long it took. I will never leave him. I will love him forever and take care of him. He is all I care about now, and that is how it will remain. Even if the world was ending, I will not leave his side.
I got up with the worst headache when I finally felt that I had run out of tears. It had been a while since I cried this much. I went to the sink and splashed water on my face, wiping away the remnants of my tears. Grabbing a towel from the rack next to the sink, I dried my face before heading to the door. I took a few deep breaths to compose myself as I walked out into the hall. I saw the two that were sitting downstairs, apparently waiting for me.
I made my way to them, passing by the room Misaki was in. I stopped for a moment, but not long, as I walked down the stairs towards the living room where the two were talking quietly.
"Usami-san," Nowaki said as he stood up, looking at me with sad eyes, which I hated to no end. I hated when people looked at me that way.
"How is he?" I asked once I was standing next to the coffee table. The two were already standing as well.
"He was doing alright when I left him. He fell asleep after I had him take his medication."
"Thank you," I replied with a sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose as the headache persisted.
"Are you alright?" Hiroki asked.
I lowered my hand to my side as I nodded while saying "Yeah. Just a long day, 's all."
We said our goodbyes and I led them to the door, locking it after they had left. I made my way to the room and closed the door behind me, hesitating for a second before I made my way towards the bed.
I lied down behind Misaki, throwing an arm around his waist as I pulled him closer, so his back was against my chest. Nowaki said that he was asleep so I didn't bother checking as I lay there.
"I'm sorry…" I tensed slightly, not expecting him to be awake as he whispered the words. He placed his arm around the one that held him and hugged it close to him. I nuzzled the back of his neck before sighing as he continued. "Usagi-san, I don't want to see sadness in your eyes anymore… I hate it when you are upset…"
"I love you, Misaki… You don't need to worry about me, because I'm alright as long as you are. You are my everything, so it just makes sense, don't you think?" I told him as I leaned in even closer, tilting my head so my lips brushed against his neck in a kiss. "And Misaki, you couldn't be selfish even if you tried to…"
Misaki took in a sharp breath before asking, "You heard that…?"
"I heard all of it…" I whispered back. He held my arm closer to him, the bear still in his other one.
"I just want to forget… I want to forget, and I want for everything to go back to the way it was… Even though I know that it would never happen, I still can't help but hope…" he told me and then turned around in my arms. His face was close to mine as I wrapped him in my arms and pulled him even closer, his own arms going around me. His nose touched mine as he stared into my eyes.
I leaned forward and touched my lips to his. I only planned on a short kiss, but I couldn't pull away. His hands held me still. One of mine drifted to tangle in his locks as I pressed his lips harder against mine. My tongue slid past the seam of his lips and he didn't hesitate in parting them. I kissed him hungrily and he kissed me back with just as much passion.
I few minutes later, I pulled away to give him a chance to breathe as I did the same. I then whispered, against his now swollen lips, "I love you Misaki…" before I leaned in once more capturing his lips again.
TBC
AN: Let me hear from you guys... This chapter wasn't really planned, hope you guys still liked it though, Longest chapter I have written in this story ;P
What do you think about Nowaki's POV? cz I enjoyed writing it that it made me decided on writing a story with that couple ;P
