Chapter 28

Leaving Liara sitting in the growing morning sunshine Shepard sought out Matriarch T'Joan who started to deliver a severe dressing down but Shepard cut her off saying.

"I accept anything that you wish to say to me Matriarch, you couldn't be harder on my than I am on myself… but can we do this later… Liara has agreed to go to see the Priestess and I want to strike while the iron is hot." Shepard noted the quizzical look on the Matriarch's face and said, "sorry, bit of an Earth saying, I mean let's get this done while she has the strength to face all her demons."

The Matriarch nodded, "I will contact the Lady El'Estrene, the Temple is only a five minute sky car drive, they will be ready when we get there." And with that the Matriarch walked away already sparking up her OT to make contact with the Temple.

As Shepard walked back towards the place Liara was still sitting, still looking out across the gardens, she felt a catch in her chest and a wash of fear ran through her mind. 'What if she can never truly heal her mind… her soul… whatever the hell damage you did to her, Shepard thought bitterly, 'well done Shepard, the one pure, good, shinning person you've ever had in your life and you almost kill her along with yourself.'

Shepard shrugged off her inner tirade before she placed her hand on Liara's shoulder; the Asari continued to look into the middle distance but covered Shepard's hand with her own.

"We can make our way over now, the Matriarch will have a sky car ready in front of the house," Shepard spoke tenderly.

"Thank you Shepard," Liara's voice was quiet and when she stood she looked directly into her Human's eyes.

Shepard lost herself in those oh so deep blue eyes, whose colour seemed to shift subtly with Liara's mood, right now Shepard saw pain and grief that tore at her own soul, but she saw the edge of something else, something harder.

"Shepard I need you to know that I meant what I said about not being able to come back to you unless I can once again be truly myself… no please let me finish… even at this moment I am struggling with a strong voice and will that can not see what is wrong with being who I have become… it is me Shepard not some outside force… this is another me, but know it is not who I want to be… I will fight to come back to you but you must continue on with your life…" Liara faltered as she spoke the final words as they both knew what she was saying.

Shepard drew Liara into her arms and kissed her with all the love and tenderness she had for her lovely, grieving, soft and kind Asari.

"You are the love of my life Liara... I'll be waiting for you my darling… but you need to put you front and centre… come on soldier let's get this done," Shepard's words were tender and she gave the best smile she could muster with her last words and was rewarded with a weak flicker of a smile from Liara despite the tears in both their eyes.

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They were shown into the High Priestess's office and Shepard felt seriously underdressed and very unworthy. She could almost feel the millennia of learning and spiritual 'muscle' that seemed to imbue everything, from the writings on the walls, the beautiful objects liberally scattered around, to the Asari Priestess's themselves.

When Lady El'Estrene entered the room Shepard could literally feel the power of the woman but instead of being stern and distant, which is what Shepard was expecting, the Asari Matriarch exuded a loving, calm and accepting presence.

Liara and the Matriarch T'Joan gave an Asari spiritual greeting to the Priestess, heads bowed and hands covering their hearts and then folding out; there was just a hint of blue energy playing around their hands and the area they had been covering just over their hearts. Shepard bowed her head to show her respect. The Priestess nodded but without any further ceremony walked straight up to Liara and enfolded her in a hug.

"Ah little wing why have you waited and struggled with this pain for so long," El'Estrene said in a warm and quiet tone but Shepard felt the strength of the love behind the words, "you are here now and that is what is important."

Liara continued to lean into the Priestess even after being released from the full hug El'Estrene kept an arm around the young Asari and spoke to Shepard.

"I apologise Commander but you see I was present at this little one's birth and I have watched over her, spiritually, all her life.

We must waste no further time in finding out what is amiss, Matriarch T'Joan would you leave us, blessings of the Goddess be upon you."

This time the Matriarch covered her face with her hands before opening them out, still head bowed, she left without a word.

It was only then that Shepard noticed that there were two other Priestesses' in the room and they now moved next to the High Priestess who continued, this time, looking between Liara and Shepard as she spoke to both of them.

"I need to initiate a meld with Liara and then with you Commander so that I have the fullest understanding of what may have happened to Liara, with your consent?" Lady El'Estrene directed her question at Shepard it was obvious that Liara knew what was required and coming here had automatically implied her agreement.

"Yes of course anything I can do… anything you need of me," Shepard was concerned and a little fearful, she had only melded with Liara, but she meant what she said, 'anything it takes will never even touch the sides of making it up to her', Shepard thought as her eyes were drawn to her love.

"Thank you Commander, I expected nothing less, now we will begin, are you ready little wing?" the High Priestess turned to face Liara who gave her a small nod and closed her eyes. From where she was standing she saw all three sets of eyes flash to black before being closed and then there was silence and stillness in the room.

Shepard didn't know how to describe what she was experiencing but it was as if small shadows of a dream, nightmare, were being remembered somewhere deep in her unconscious mind, but the emotions were rippling just under the surface.

Fear, grief, loss… anger… such deep, deep sadness, emptiness… the feeling that Shepard herself had when realising the bond between them had been lost… but that space had grown to blot out everything… Shepard felt emotionally exhausted, dead, broken.

Shepard only realised she had dropped to her knees when hands reached down to help her up, Liara had obviously been helped to sit in one of the large armchairs and was being attended to by one of the younger Priestess's.

The hands that helped her into another chair were those of the High Priestess herself.

"You felt an echo of the meld, what Liara was showing us?" it was a question but the High Priestess sounded as if she knew what the answer would be.

"Yes", Shepard was surprised at the roughness of her voice, as if she had been shouting for hours, and she was so exhausted.

"Are you ready for the meld Commander," Lady El'Estrene asked quietly.

"Yes, yes of course," Shepard said more strongly now and she stood up.

This time it was only the High Priestess who stayed close to Shepard and said.

"It will not be necessary for my sisters to join us, ready," and with a nod from Shepard the Priestess's eyes flashed to black and Shepard felt the presence of another in her mind.

It wasn't like any meld she had had with Liara, it was more chaotic, images and emotions streamed through her mind, she couldn't catch them all, fragments… some old… some she didn't even recognise, and then it was over.

When Shepard opened her eyes she saw a very puzzled and worried look on the High Priestess face, who moved away to sit in a chair facing Liara and indicated Shepard should sit next to the young Asari.

Lady El'Estrene considered them both for a moment and then began speaking.

"Whether you rely on faith, belief, science, logic or reason there is little doubt that everything in the universe is one and the same. That we are all made from the same material, and that everything, including our life force, energy, that which gives us our soul is never destroyed but merely recycled to continue to play a part in the universal consciousness."

Shepard thought that was the most elegant explanation of the basics of thermodynamics she had ever heard, 'although you could just have ingested a huge amount of the coolaid Shepard,' she thought to herself and then returned her focus to what the High Priestess was saying.

"I believe amongst Human's you have a branch of belief that speaks of reincarnation, but what our Asari teachings have speculated is something much more random, but that the energy that creates and fuels a beings individual identity, which we call have named 'soul', may not fall to the natural entropy of the universe but remain intact and thus when animating a new sentient being will carry, as molecular memory, a sense of its past self.

This is all pure theory of course, but Asari scientists as well as spiritual thinkers have worked on this hypothesis as a way of understanding some of the phenomena Asari's have experienced due to our ability to join.

Whatever we may 'think' or 'believe' about these postulations it would seem that something has happened to 'trigger' memories, connections, and experiences from a time period longer than Liara's life. Commander you also bear the signs that this is not the first time your 'soul' has manifested itself on this plain of existence.

It is as if a rift in the barriers that keep these 'older' manifestations of your existence has fractured in your soul Liara and when you reached for the strength to carry on you reached into that rift and by doing so you have forced it open, the rift was caused in the first place by the lifetimes strong connection you both seem to have with each other.

There is no other way I can describe what I have seen and felt. I realise this will be very hard for you to accept Commander, but if it helps there are perfectly good scientific theories for it." The High Priestess had picked up on the high level of scepticism that Shepard was trying to keep in check, it all sounded a bit 'out there' to her.

"It really doesn't matter what I think or believe my Lady but what is it that you need from me to help heal Liara," as Shepard spoke she reached out and held Liara's hand and felt a responding squeeze.

"Yes that is all that matters," the Priestess continued, "but it does mean that this is not ordinary spiritual injury and I can not make any promises about how this will end.

I do not know if we will be able to heal the rift, Liara you may have to accept that this 'other' you is what remains, but be sure that this is a version of yourself, and perhaps once fully embodied it may…" but Liara cut off the Priestess and turned sharply to look at Shepard.

"No… this is not who I am… I can not lose you again Shepard… you have to make this right my Lady, you must find a way…" Liara's silent sobs, the fear and confusion in her eyes and the tears rolling down her soft blue cheeks broke Shepard in two.

"Hey, it's ok, I'm not going anywhere, and we'll find a way… Lady El'Estrene will find a way, she's just doing the doc's equivalent of worse case... isn't that right my Lady," and Shepard looked across at the Priestess with a mix of pleading and demand in her eyes as she held Liara.

"Yes, we will find a way to… heal this Liara, now say goodbye to the Commander and then you can go and get some rest; I will have a final word about the arrangements with the Commander before she leaves."

The two younger Priestesses left the room and the Lady El'Estrene moved away from then to sit behind her desk. Liara stood up and Shepard held her in her arms, her Asari's head buried into her neck.

"I have only just noticed you hair Shepard," Liara said softly and sounding as if she had a head cold. "It is longer than you usually wear it." As she spoke Liara ran her fingers through the hair which was indeed much longer than Shepard wore it, touching her collar and falling almost into her eyes.

"Yeah you can see that it's got a big of a wave to it… but don't get used to it as soon as I get the time I'll find a hair shop and get it back in shape, " she smiled down into those compelling and mesmerising blue eyes which were as beautiful as ever even if a little bloodshot.

"I think I could get used to it," and Liara leaned in to kiss Shepard on the lips while gripping a handful of hair and tugging slightly.

Shepard gave her a smile when they broke apart and said.

"Ok T'Soni I'll make you a deal, as soon as you're out of here I'll grow it for you but only this length and only until you get bored with it," Shepard basked in the smile that Liara gave her and leaned in for another kiss.

Then they stood apart and with one last touch of her cheek Liara turned as if she carried the sadness of two worlds on her shoulders and left the room.

Shepard just stood and stared at the door until she was called back into the moment by the Priestess.

"Commander I will do everything in my power to make this right, but this is uncharted territory, it will not be long before Liara realises the danger she would put you in if she properly joined with you while she was in this state and I know she would not do anything to cause you pain."

"What do you mean danger… I feel ok… a bit strange… but then I have been dead," Shepard ended with a sarcastic tone aimed more at herself than the Priestess.

"Commander the potential rift exists within you also, you are both… I am not sure what it is yet, but you share the same connections, in short Commander you and Liara have 'been here before' to put it in Earth vernacular."

"Look even if I did believe this fantastical tale about souls reincarnating, or whatever it is, you're also asking me to believe that me and Liara have also been together before… I just… but like I said it doesn't matter what I believe… you have to make it right, even if she can't come back to me, but you've got to help her she's in so much pain that I can feel… and it's made no difference that I'm back…" Shepard finally said out loud what had been eating away at her since realising that she wasn't going to the silver bullet for Liara's recovery.

"Oh you are wrong to believe that Commander, without your return there would be no hope at all that Liara could heal herself in this life and that damage would, if we believe the theory, follow her into the future. No Commander you're coming back is the catalyst to her recovery but the rest is up to her and all of us at the Temple.

I have something I can give you before you leave, but I warn you it will be a painful gift but may help you become more synchronised within yourself." The Priestess watched Shepard from behind the desk, her eyes kind, intelligent, knowing, it was as if she could and did have the ability to look deep into Shepard's soul.

"I'm listening."

"I could meld with you and share in a more controlled way what Liara is experiencing but this would also sharpen the focus on your connections to your past history. I could also help you retrieve the 'memories' of the months that you were, shall we say, not completely alive; not clear memories or physical pain, more a sense of the passing of time."

Shepard thought for a while, she wanted to be in the same place as Liara, so long as it didn't debilitate her, she had a job to do after all… and she had to admit this weird time difference between herself and the rest of the universe made every moment somehow unreal at a certain level.

"Will I be able to function properly, I have to go back to work, I can't…" The Priestess interrupted Shepard and said.

"Commander you have one of the strongest, keenest minds and intellects I have ever met and your soul is, well, powerful in a way that I have only sensed in Asari who have spent all their life span on its development. You will be able to carry on normally, and with the understanding of how strong Liara is not to have collapsed completely from what has happened to her."

"I know how strong Liara is," Shepard said quickly her eyes shining.

Lady El'Estrene smiled and despite herself Shepard felt calmer and smiled back.

"Have no fear Commander I know without doubt how highly you hold Liara T'Soni in you esteem and how much you love her, body and soul, I have seen it and felt it. Know that your love and devotion is reciprocated."

The Priestess moved from behind the desk and stood in front of Shepard and again her eyes flashed to black and again Shepard felt her powerful but benign presence in her mind and this time she now also felt Liara.

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Shepard had told Matriarch T'Joan that she would walk back to the estate, she needed time to get hold of how she was feeling; the meld had been a real shock to her system.

It did give her an insight into what Liara had been struggling with, the terrible fight with her alter ego and what Shepard herself was now feeling. It was as if she could 'feel' an enormous stretch of time, a history, her history like a long road bringing her to this point in time and space.

'So I get the total weirdness of a sense of existing, living before I was born… but none of the bloody useful stuff, like why… or anything I learned along the way… great Shepard… worst of both worlds', she thought as she walked along a wooded path back towards the T'Soni house.

She stopped and leaned her back against one of the enormous trees, they were old, she could feel it, and a wave of absolute terror flooded her veins, it literally took her legs from under her and she slipped down the tree until she was sitting with her head in her hands.

'What happened… what did I do… so much blood… blood on my hands… I couldn't save them,' her thoughts were ragged, the words her own and she knew them to be true but not what they meant. The terror turned to a sense of failure the like of which she had never felt even when being hyper critical of herself, the failure was linked to whatever had terrorised her and to Liara, she felt rather than thought it… 'this is too fucking much… what the fuck am I supposed to do with this… she said it wouldn't stop me from… Reapers… Reapers… is this what it's about… why is it so freakin jumbled my head…' Shepard tried hard to find a link between what she was feeling and the return of the visions of the Reapers destroying the Prothean galaxy.

And as soon as the wave of failure ebbed away a heavy burden descended on her, she felt it settle as if it was a physical weight, on her shoulders, in her mind… she held out her hands in front of her and for a moment thought she saw the echoes of blood, red, blue, green, black.

'Yeah well if you're trying to tell me I have to fight the Reapers I didn't need a meld and a speech about space magic to convince me… I've known that since Eden Prime and the beacon… but why didn't the beacon fry my brain… I didn't have to take all this on, not really… why didn't I have a choice…it was like some switch was pushed, I pushed some switch inside…' Shepard sat for what seemed like hours turning everything over in her mind.

Lady El'Estrene had said she would also give Shepard the months that she had been 'not alive' back and she had. Shepard now felt as if real time had elapsed even though she had no real conscious memory of most of what happened, although there were fragments of Miranda's voice that she must have picked up towards the end of her time under sedation.

Shepard finally got up and began making her way back to the estate, the weight of responsibility she was already feeling seemed to have developed deep roots, she could feel them as she brought up memories of her life so far, subtle and perhaps even imagined… but it felt to Shepard, in that moment, that everything she had ever done, every decision made, had prepared her, honed her for being here, facing down an old, old enemy…

'The galaxy's old enemy is what I mean, for sure, not mine personally, don't get all mystical on my ass Shepard…'

She continued to tell herself she hadn't really been alive all that long; but she also accepted that she was certainly exhausted enough for more than one lifetime.

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Shepard had some final preparations to make at the T'Soni house and had decided she would head for Illium first thing the next day.

The security at the house was to be increased as if they were still protecting their sick mistress. Rumours and leaked medical information would continue to drip out for the Shadow Broker to pick up and Shepard knew she had to play her part or else he would not drop his guard.

She made most of the arrangements with the Matriarch as both Garrus and Kasumi wanted to leave with Shepard; everyone knew it could be a very long time before Liara was well enough to leave the Temple. They both wanted to continue where they had left off before the Normandy was attacked, and they also wanted to help Shepard bring down the Shadow Broker for Liara.

Liara had told Shepard exactly what the Shadow Broker had told her and more importantly what he had shown her, the footage from inside the clinic, which meant anyone there could be an agent for him.

Shepard put in a call to her Grandmother who had taken charge of Shepard's son and alerted her to the possible security risk. They decided to let the clinic nurse go, without arousing suspicion, and they would also increase security, just in case.

Shepard would also take Skark and Malania; Senna would stay and take charge of the estate security along with Evictus.

All of Shepard's team would stay and all security would focus on the estate, everyone, including Shepard knew that Liara was safe at the Temple. Not only because it was highly unlikely that the Broker would learn of their deception but because all the Priestess's were extremely powerful biotics, Lady El'Estrene would not let anything happen to Liara, Shepard was sure about that.

It was evening before Shepard felt she had done all she could to prepare the estate so that she could leave for Illium first thing.

"Shep would it be ok if I joined you, I thought you might want a little company," Kasumi's tone was light but Shepard knew the strain she was under had shown at dinner. Shepard had left before everyone, heading for the garden and the table she had last shared with Liara.

"Yeah of course… actually… I've missed our chats, Kas," Shepard was struggling with the overload of thoughts populating her tired mind and she knew she could talk in complete confidence to Doctor Goto.

"Come on, out with it… you look as if your head will explode if you don't empty it a little," Shepard had already filled Kasumi and Garrus in on the highlights of what happened at the Temple.

Garrus was his usual sceptical self which Shepard always appreciated as it spoke to a very strong part of her nature, he had no faith in anything he couldn't take to pieces and put back together again.

But Kasumi was both a scientist and a Buddhist, a belief system that had evolved since its origins way back in Earth history and was much more akin to the Asari faith, and as such she was much more open to those things that couldn't be explained, yet, by science.

"I wonder if we were to weight my heart Kas whether I would make it through to the afterlife," Shepard didn't bother with any preamble, she picked up a conversation that had taken place in the Normandy mess nearly two and half years ago

"Well you know the Ancient Egyptians also prized the heart over the brain so maybe they didn't know everything," Kas said trying to take the edge off but continued, "the very fact that you question your actions and feel the loss of every life you take… yes you do Shep… even the ones who didn't leave you a choice. I know you carry the responsibility for ending a life with you… surely that tells you something about who you are?"

"It tells me I give in to feeling sorry for myself occasionally…" Shepard gave Kas a weak grin and then felt the weight of all those times the Reapers had harvested her galaxy, "but there's blood on my hands… too much to ever wash off."

"Oh come on Shep you haven't killed that many, and you are a marine, it's what you have to do to protect those who can't protect themselves," Kas was now concerned she had never seen Shepard like this before.

"You don't understand Kas… it's the blood of all those I couldn't save… all those I won't be able to protect… I have this overwhelming sense that it's my responsibility… it's my fault…"

Kasumi Goto knew when to hold her tongue, when to just sit and be silently supportive, it was all she could do given the level of pain and grief that Shepard seemed to be in, and so they sat and both tried to find some peace in the warm darkness of the seemingly endless Thessian summer.

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"We are about leave, Matriarch T'Joan, Garrus said you wanted to speak to me?" Shepard was a little wary; she really wasn't in the mood for a telling off and didn't know if she could keep her temper. And as she had been summoned to Liara's bedroom it really couldn't be anything else.

"Commander I thought you might want to see this before you leave, its Liara's private meditation room, just here off her bedroom," the Matriarch was standing by a door that Shepard hadn't really noticed before.

"If it's her private space Matriarch I don't feel I should…" T'Joan cut her off saying.

"I know her well enough to be confident she would have shown you this herself if things had been… normal," the Matriarch opened the door and moved aside for Shepard to walk in.

It was a small room and without windows, the walls were covered with beautiful embroidered hangings depicting what Shepard assumed were stories from Asari spiritual teaching.

A low, narrow table at one end of the room was obviously the focus for meditation with candles, a statue of the Goddess and a few other small abstract pieces of sculpture and two images, not vid clips or stills, but black and white sketches. One was clearly of Benezia and the other was Shepard herself.

On one of the side walls there was also a small table upon which stood what remained of her N7 chest plate and her N7 helmet both much the worse for wear as she had been wearing them that fateful day on the Normandy.

Standing alongside and hung around the neck of another statue of the Goddess were Shepard's dog tags. Suddenly she could feel Liara's presence in this room, sensed the hours, days, weeks and finally months spent with one hope, one wish, that Shepard would come back… she knew without doubt in that moment how powerfully Liara had refused to let Shepard go, couldn't let her go, and so how tightly their fate was intertwined.

"Liara wore them for most of the first year and then as she found herself becoming more and more obsessed with the Shadow Broker, and no news came from Doctor Lawson, she felt she was losing the right to wear them," the Matriarch was looking at Shepard who was running her fingers over her tags, "she would want you to have them back Shepard."

Shepard couldn't remember the Matriarch calling her anything but 'Commander' before and she looked up at the older Asari and saw the pain in her eyes.

"It's been hard for you, losing Lady Benezia and then Liara coming home and nearly losing her," Shepard once again realised that the impact of her relationship with Liara and her 'death' had rippled out and touched many more lives than she would have imagined.

"Yes, they are both very dear to me… and what happened to Benezia well… that was not who she was Commander." They looked at each other for a few more moments and as Shepard squared her shoulders she picked up the dog tags and put them on.

The Matriarch walked Shepard out onto the lawn and looked as if she was trying to come to a decision, but when she spoke she was as inscrutable as ever.

"I suggest you visit Omega Commander, perhaps a talk with Aria T'Loak would be useful, although it is next to impossible to try to predict what frame of mind Matriarch T'Loak will be in one moment to the next," Shepard had never heard anyone call Aria Matriarch and in fact was sure she'd heard a rumour that the last person who did so found themselves threatened with being sent head first out of the nearest air lock.

Shepard nodded and said, "thank you for all your help Matriarch may the Goddess be with you and those you watch over," Shepard made a good attempt at an Asari parting sign and noticed a small smile tweak the corner of the Matriarch's mouth.

"We will make an Asari of you yet Commander."

The shuttle lifted off from the T'Soni estate and Shepard sat in the co-pilot seat for the whole journey to Illium, trying to wrangle her thoughts, but they were a mess.

'If I could just get some control over my fucking thoughts… my head's shot…' Shepard took a deep breath and then thought, 'well I'd better get my head straight before people start shooting at it… you've got a galaxy to save Shepard, for a very lovely and very beautiful, troubled young Asari'.