*Rated M Content*
Choice
We walked out the back door with silence in our wake, but the house instantly came back to life when Edward shut the door behind him. I kept walking down the porch steps and towards the tree line, and Edward jogged lightly to catch up. I could feel his hand lightly brush mine, and crossed my arms over my chest. I could feel his hurt coming off him in waves, but until we talked and cleared the air, I couldn't touch him. Not with the thought that he might not want what I did . . . that he might not want children with me.
"Bella . . ." he whispered, but I ignored him and took off, breaking into a run and landing on four paws. He followed close behind, but seemed to take the hint and stayed silent.
I ran full out, and Edward kept up easily. My mind kept replaying the look on his face in the house over and over again, the cynicism marring his face. I thought he liked being a dad, that he liked caring for Caleb. I thought he would want to have children with me. He said he loved me, but . . . maybe he was just saying it. It wouldn't be the first time someone said something without meaning it. I lived for seven years with vampires that lied to me left and right, and he was a vampire, too. Maybe I could have been wrong about him being different . . . maybe he played me just like they had . . .
I shook my head roughly and jumped, shifting into an eagle. I just flew, embracing the feeling of the air holding me aloft until a memory crashed into the front of my mind. My wings faltered as the feeling of Aro's hands moving roughly over my body assaulted my mind. I could feel him pinching, scratching, and digging at my body as he took me on my own bed, his ragged breaths invading my ear. My legs burned where he had ripped at the insides of my legs, prying them open, and I could feel my body tearing as he forced his arousal into my ill-prepared body. I cried out at the phantom pain I felt from the memory, wrestling the memory back in an attempt to clear my mind. I didn't know why I was remembering these things now, so long after I was rescued, but I could only think that the conversation waiting to be had was at least one of the triggers. Another might have been the fact that I was relatively safe now, safe enough for the trauma I had been keeping locked down to free itself, but I couldn't think about any of that now. I wasn't ready. Not yet.
I closed my eyes and cleared my mind as I flew, knowing I was high enough not to hit anything. I could hear Edward still running down below, directly under me, but I ignored him. Tucking my wings in slightly and opening my eyes, I dove for the ground. A cry sounded from below me, but I snapped my wings back open right before I would have smashed into the top of a tree. I spiraled straight up before freezing, falling with my back towards the ground. Spinning so I was right side up, I swooped down and back up, looping through the air as I continued forward. I had no idea where I was going, or how far I would go before I stopped, but I was happy to finally just . . . be. I flew for another minute or two before I heard a whisper next to my ear, a soft chance. It took a moment, but I realized She was talking to me. I listened harder, blocking out all of the other sounds around me, and heard Her again.
Give him a chance, She whispered, and I sighed lightly, closing my eyes again for a moment. She kept repeating the same phrase over and over, and I finally turned around.
Arcing widely to make sure Edward knew what I was doing, I headed back for home. He raced ahead at one point and stopped in the middle of a clearing a few miles from the house, clearly asking me to land there. I hesitated for a moment before joining him a few yards away, landing and shifting back into wolf form. I stood so I was slightly turned away from him and didn't think anything, just in case my shield slipped. I watched him out of the corner of my eye to see a deeply hurt look on his face, but I couldn't make myself care about his feelings just yet. He didn't have anything to feel hurt over. Not like I did.
"Bella," he said softly, but I didn't respond. My body tensed when he took a step towards me, and his hurt grew. "Bella, please . . ." I still didn't say anything, and he seemed to think twice about moving towards me again. "Talk to me, Bella," he pleaded, and I whirled on him in human form, unable to hold everything in anymore.
"Talk to you?" I squealed, my voice going higher than I ever heard it before. "About what, Edward? The fact that you saved me just to use me as a booty call? The fact that you never planned on going any farther with our relationship than casual sex? Or that the thought of having children with me apparently disgusts you? Do you want me to talk about any of that, or did you have something else in mind?" I screamed, and he flinched back. I felt a flash of guilt, but it was gone as quickly as it came. I paced back and forth, unable to calm myself enough to just stand there, and kept clenching my fists at my sides. Tears burned where they built up in my eyes, a few spilling over. I swiped at them angrily as he started speaking.
"What?" he whispered, his hurt dripping off his words. "Is that what you think, Bella?" he asked, but I just kept pacing. I wiped more tears from my face as he tried taking a step again, and I froze, pointing a semi-changed claw at him.
"Don't you dare come near me, Edward Cullen," I snarled, and he flinched like I had physically hit him.
"Fine," he whispered, raising his hands in surrender and taking a step back. I started pacing again, still watching him.
"None of that is true, Bella. I don't want you just for booty calls or casual sex. I didn't save you for those things, Bella. They weren't part of the reason at all. You know how I feel about you, Bella, and that hasn't changed. It won't change," he pleaded, but I kept up my pacing.
"I saved you and your family because you were being held captive. I saved you because you were being tortured. I saved you because Aro was a pompous ass who believed anyone who wasn't a vampire was trash. I saved you because I grew to care for you the longer I was there. I saved you because you fit into my family like a glove, and they quickly came to see you as part of it. I saved you because my family loves you." He paused, causing me to stop and look at him, my face slowly losing the rage I had been feeling. He took a step forward, but I didn't say anything. I didn't think my body couldn't get any more tense than it already was, but when he took yet another step, I felt like I was locked in place. I tried to pace again, but my body refused to move.
"I saved you because I love you, Bella. Of all those reasons, that is the most important for you to know. I love you," he repeated, and I felt my anger crumble even more. He took another couple of steps forward, but I didn't respond. I kept glancing at him, feeling the fire red fade from my eyes, and he must have, too. Another few steps disappeared between us, and then another, until he was only a foot or so away.
"Bella, please," he whispered. "Please look at me." I hesitated, but I did. My walls instantly crumbled as his hands slowly came up to cup my face, his thumbs wiping at the tracks my last few tears had left down my cheeks.
"I love you, Bella, and if it weren't for my situation, I would have as many children with you as you would allow," he whispered, his emotion obvious in his voice.
"What are you talking about, Edward? That . . . whatever it is She said you are is what makes us able to have children. How would it stop us?" I asked, my brows scrunched in confusion. I shook my head and he brushed his thumbs over my cheeks.
"I'm a vampire, Bella. A monster, not a father. To have children with me . . . to have children with a bloodsucking creature would only damn them as much as my curse has damned me," he explained, giving me a sad smile. Just like that, I was about ready to hit him.
"How can you say you're not a father?" I breathed, wrapping my hands around his wrists and bringing his hands down from my face. I replayed every moment from inside Volterra from the moment those fox kits curled in his lap to right before we fought, when he and I had been kissing Caleb. He was nothing but a caring, loving father to that boy, as well as the fox babies, and they weren't even his. Every one of them had loved him to pieces, not caring that he was dangerous or that he wasn't like them. His eyes flooded with venom at what I was showing and telling him, but he shook his head.
"You don't know me, Bella. You don't know me enough to say that," he whispered, and this time, it was him with my hands cupping his face in comfort. "I am a monster, Bella. A soulless, cruel monster. You just don't know about that side of me." I gave him a soft but encouraging look as I gently pulled him down to the ground. He complied and sat Indian style, pulling me into his lap when I went to sit next to him. One look at his agonized face was all I needed to know he wasn't trying to rush things; he just needed someone to hold on to. I sat facing him with my legs on either side of his waist, and he kept his fingers locked at the small of my back.
"You say I don't know you, Edward, and that is very true. What I do know is that you care about the people around you, even at the cost of hurting yourself. I know you risked your life to save me. I know that I fell in love with the gentleman your mother raised you to be, and the vampire you are today." His gaze shot up from the ground to meet mine, and I gave him a small smile. "Alice and the other girls told me a little about you. They were trying to make it easier for me to let you in, to trust you enough to let you get close." He nodded and I continued.
"I also know that little shifter child fast asleep back at the house sees you as his father, as his dad, whether you want to deny it or not. You are his dad, Edward, and you are no soulless monster. But as this past of yours is burning you so badly, tell me. Tell me what it is about you that makes you think you aren't worthy of some kind of happiness. You already gave me my happiness, so let me give you yours." His hands tightened on themselves against my back as his body tensed, and I ran a hand slowly through the hair on the side of his head.
"Let me in like I let you in, Edward. Give me some of your burden," I whispered, and he closed his eyes, leaning heavily into the hand still cupping his face.
"I lost both of my parents to the Spanish Flu in 1918, and would have died myself had Carlisle not changed me," he started. "My mother's dying wish was for Carlisle to do everything in his power to save her baby boy, and he did. To this day, we still don't know if she somehow knew what he was." He paused for a moment before he continued.
"I inherited her hair and green eyes, and I got my height from my father. He was the first to die. My mother died three days later. I would have died only hours after her, but Carlisle faked my death and took me to his home. I woke up three days later to a burning in my throat like nothing I had ever felt. It was like the fire that had burned through my body during my change was still alive in my throat. I tried Carlisle's animal diet for ten years before I snapped. He had changed Esme about three years before that, and between her constant battles with her newborn thirst, my own newborn thirst, and my self-hatred for what I was, I couldn't deal with it anymore. I hated what I was, hated the constant battle with what I knew my new form wanted, so I gave in. I ran from Carlisle and Esme, and lived as a nomad for five years before I came crawling back to him, red-eyed and so fucking guilty . . ." He paused again, but I stayed silent. He had kept his eyes closed the entire time, and I kept my hand moving through his hair to keep him as calm as I could. He opened his eyes then, that age-old guilt staring at me from pitch-black eyes.
"I tried, Bella," he whispered, his eyes flooding with venom again. "I tried to be good, but I was still killing people to keep myself alive. I took rapists, murderers, child abusers, anyone who wasn't an innocent . . . but I was still killing living beings . . . cutting their lives short to sustain my damned existence . . . to make myself more comfortable while I waited out eternity alone. I was playing the role of someone who had forsaken me. I was no longer one of God's creations, but I played with the lives of humans."
"Carlisle and Esme welcomed me back with open arms, not questions asked. I went back to animals, but my body craved the sweet blood it had tasted. The monster wouldn't be satisfied with animals anymore, but I stuck to it. I haven't tasted human blood since, but the memories of their faces are still there . . . I can still see the terror on their faces as I dove for their necks, hear their screams as their last breaths left their lungs . . ." He squeezed his eyes closed at the memories assaulting his mind, and I tried to get him to look at me.
"Edward, stop," I whispered, but he didn't respond. "You may have forgotten, but I've killed, too. The difference is I was forced to kill, Edward, whether I thought they were innocent or not. Yes, you killed people, but you held on to your humanity while you did so. You only took criminals, and you chose to do that. You weren't joking when you told me you didn't choose to be a vampire, but I didn't choose to be born a shifter. I didn't choose to be captured in Volterra. I didn't choose to be Aro's prostitute. I didn't choose to do the things I did to the vampires in that castle. I didn't choose to let them do what they did to me. I didn't choose to murder humans and vampires because they fell in love. That is what makes you different, Edward. You chose to start feeding from humans, but you chose which ones you took for good reasons. You chose to stop and go back to Carlisle and Esme. You chose to go back to your animal diet, and you chose to save me and my family from Volterra at the risk of your own life." Edward stayed quiet, and I brushed my thumbs over his cheeks. His eyes fluttered open, a blank void.
"You had control over what you did, Edward, and with the choices you made, you could never be a monster," I implored, staring into his eyes. I could see some of the spark coming back into his eyes, but I still wasn't satisfied.
"The true monsters were the vampires who forced me to do what they wanted. You are nothing like them. But, you know, out of all the things I was forced to do, there's only one choice I wish I could have made for myself," I thought out loud, giving Edward a small, sad smile.
"What?" he asked, curiosity filling the void that had been looking back at me.
"I didn't choose to fall in love with you, Edward. It just . . . happened," I said with a shrug. He looked at me with confusion again, and I clarified before he could say anything.
"Being able to choose wouldn't have changed the way I feel, but to be able to say I chose to fall in love with a man as caring, protective, and loving as you would be the sweetest thing. And I do love you, Edward, monster and all." I brushed my thumbs across his cheeks again, leaning in to briefly press my lips to his.
"And, Mr. Not-A-Monster, I choose to have children with you, whether they be little half-vampire beasties, or human-looking animal things with fangs. They will be ours, and that's all that matters to me."
"I love you, too, Bella, and I can't believe how I managed to get a girl like you," he whispered, a small smile and his eyes alight once more. "I'm a lucky-ass bastard."
He shook his head and closed his eyes with a happy smile on his face, still leaning heavily on my hand. I lowered his head until his forehead was resting on my shoulder, and leaned my own down on his. He abruptly pulled me flush against his torso, wrapping his arms tightly around me as his face disappeared in my hair at my neck. I flinched as the change caused the seam of my pants to press against me, memories of Volterra deciding that it was a good time to haunt me.
I saw Aro pulling me onto his lap, my back against his front, and his hand snaking around between my legs to press against me while the other pinched my nipple. I saw one of Aro's visitors from when I first arrived ordering me to give him a lap dance, his hands fumbling from cupping my mound to reaching up between my legs from behind when I would turn my back to him, gyrating my hips over his crotch. Then it was Aro again, forcing me to ride him on my bed, pressing against my clit as he used his other hand to keep a crushing grip on my hips and keep me moving.
"Bella, it's okay," a voice echoed. I knew it was Edward, but he sounded so far away . . .
"It's all over, Bella. No one is going to touch you like that again, not without you wanting it," he continued, and clung to the sound. I pulled at his voice like a rope, using it to drag myself out of the abyss I fell into without realizing.
"I'm here, Bella. You're safe. Come back to me, love. Come back," he whispered into my ear. His cool, calm breath against my skin helped shove the memories away, giving me something else to cling to as I fought their hold. Hands were moving slowly, calmly, over my back, and I focused on them. The feel of his hands, the sweet smell of his breath, the sound of his voice, his hair against the side of my face, and his lips as they pressed gently against my neck . . . I gasped like I had been drowning when I finally managed to free myself from those nightmares, and Edward was still right in front of me, one of his hands now at the back of my head as he held my trembling form.
"Shh, Bella. It's okay now. It's all over. They can't hurt you anymore, not unless you let them. Don't let them have that power over you, Bella. Don't choose to let them control you," he whispered, squeezing me a little tighter for a moment. I gripped his shirt in my hands, hearing the fabric rip as my fingers sliced through, and took deep, shaky breaths.
"That's it, Bella. Breathe, take back control. Push that anger, that terror, push it back and slam the door. You can do it, love," Edward said a little louder. I clenched my eyes tighter, still taking painfully deep breaths. I could feel them fighting me, fighting to break free of the hold I had them in. My grip was breaking as the images started leaking out again: a touch here, a scrape there . . . my will was breaking down.
"Edward," I gasped. "Edward, I'm trying. I'm . . . losing it. It's . . . slipping. I can't . . . stop them." He tensed, feeling my grip tighten even more as I continued fighting a losing battle.
"It's okay, Bella. Just don't stop fighting," he said tersely, fighting his own emotions. He started moving his hands, moving from the back of my head to my face, from my side to my stomach, wandering all over my body as he attempted to distract me from the images.
"Focus on me, Bella. Feel me," he growled, shifting so he was on his knees with me wrapped around him. I loosened and tightened my grip to let him know I heard, but I couldn't get my mouth to move anymore.
Edward kept whispering to me, repeating himself over and over as his hands travelled my body. He pressed a hand flat against my stomach as the other slipped down to my ass. The hand on my stomach drifted higher, settling between my breasts as the other moved down to my thigh. He felt my haggard breaths when his hand continued higher to the side of my neck, a thumb brushing over my bottom lip. A kiss placed to my neck . . . a hand cupping my breast . . . a palm against my mound . . . fingers playing with the hem of my shirt, wandering higher to free my breast from my bra . . . a brush over my nipple . . . a moan against the skin of my shoulder as he nosed my shirt aside, placing an open-mouthed kiss to my collar bone.
My breath hitched as he lightly bit me, his teeth applying just enough pressure to get my attention, but not to break the skin. I groaned when he freed my other breast, rolling and pinching my peak between his finger and thumb. My hips thrust forward as his other hand flicked the button of my pants open, sliding my zipper down and pressing against my nub through my underwear. I moaned into Edward's neck, letting my breath rush out against his skin as my own hand reached down to cup his arousal over his jeans.
"Make love to me, Edward," I gasped. "Please . . . make love to me. Make them go away." He froze, his hand palming my breast and the other still pressing against my clit. I pressed against his cock, bending my fingers to rake my nails over the material.
"Are you sure, Bella?" he gasped, moaning my name as he felt me scraping at him. I brought my mouth to his, my tongue diving in to brush against his. He moaned again, pressing my clit harder and making me see stars.
"Now, Edward, please," I breathed, fumbling his pants open.
He acquiesced without another word, standing on his knees and unwrapping my legs from around him just long enough to get my pants and underwear off. My legs snapped back around his waist, my pulsing hot center pressed against his trapped dick. He hissed at the feeling, shoving his own jeans down to his knees as I kissed and nipped at the side of his neck, right over his jugular. His arousal sprang free, brushing against my thigh, and I moaned louder. He lifted me up, positioning himself at my entrance, but hesitated.
"Are you sure, Bella?" he asked one last time, his eyes dark with lust. I nodded frantically, slamming my mouth to his as he slowly but gently lowered me down around him. I threw my head back and my mouth fell open at the feel of him inside me, of the feeling of being so utterly complete, even when he wasn't even fully sheathed in me . . . I was tight and slowly stretching around his thick length, and my body twitched as his tip met my maiden head. He inhaled sharply, but I kept my eyes closed and head back.
"They couldn't . . . take what wasn't . . . theirs to . . . have, love," I gasped, unable to breath normally with the ecstasy overwhelming me. I groaned as he continued lowering me down, the pressure on the thin barrier growing.
"God, I love you, Bella," Edward growled, and I brought a hand to his hair. I scraped his scalp from his forehead to the base of his skull as I pushed myself down on him, catching Edward off guard and causing his cock to break through my barrier.
A bright flash erupted before my eyes as I sat on Edward's lap, his length sheathed within my body all the way to his balls. I groaned as Edward cursed, my body flooding with a warmth like nothing I had ever felt. I could feel the humming I felt every time we touched stronger than ever, right down to my very soul. A separate warmth radiated from the left side of my chest, just under my collar bone, but I was too ecstatic to think about it. I could feel him shaking, but I couldn't get myself to ask if he was okay. I didn't have to, apparently, as he lifted me up by my hips just to lower me back down on him again.
I brought my head forward and kissed Edward's shoulder, grazing his rock-hard skin with my teeth as I felt the muscles in my abdomen slowly start to tighten. He lifted me again, almost completely pulling out, before gently letting me settle over him. I wasn't having that.
Moving my legs closer to me for better leverage, I stood up and slammed my body back onto him. He seemed to immediately get my point, thrusting up into me as I crashed back down on him over and over, moving closer and closer to coming.
"Bella, I can't—" Edward started, but he couldn't finish his sentence.
"Come with me, love," I gasped, holding his shoulder for support and cupping one of his balls in the other. I could feel him growing slightly larger inside of me at the contact, and he positioned his thumb against my clit, letting my own movements create friction against the small bundle of nerves.
"Now, Bella!" he roared, pinching my clit and causing my body to explode with the biggest climax I had ever felt. He spilled into me as his forehead pressed against mine, both of us frozen with our high.
My body trembled with exhaustion as Edward gently lowered me to the soft ground, our bodies never separating. His head rested on my chest, and I ran my fingers languidly through his hair as we caught our breath, a loud purr echoing from me.
"I've made a choice, too, Bella," he whispered, placing a kiss to my sternum, just above the v-neck of my shirt. "I didn't choose to love you either, but I am choosing to ask you to be my wife." I inhaled sharply, my hand freezing in his hair. I tried to process what he was saying, but my mind was sluggish from the physical and emotional stresses of the past few hours.
"You . . . you want to . . . what?" I asked incoherently. He smiled and chuckled, kissing my chin.
"I want to show you the love you should have gotten all along, and spend the rest of our lives making up for what we both missed out on: the love of a mate. I want you to be my wife, Bella, if you will have me," he answered, staring down at me. I could see anxiety bubbling up as he waited for my answer, but it had nothing on the love in his eyes. Seeing that, I knew what my answer was before I even said it.
"Edward, you are my soul mate. I would be honored to be your wife," I whispered, happy tears falling down my face and back into my hair. Edward wiped the moisture away as he lowered his face to mine, kissing me softly and deeply.
"My wife, my life, my love," he murmured against my lips.
"I love you, too," I crooned, kissing his lips again. "I love you, too."
