Chapter 28
Lily made her way back to the Gryffindor common room. She'd been looking for Severus, but so far had had no luck finding him. Neither of them had lessons this morning and had planned to study, hopefully outside if the weather had been mild enough. Severus hadn't been at breakfast again, not that unusual for him, he often forgot about meals, particularly if he was immersed in a book. What was unusual, was that there was no answer at his room, or any sign of him in the library.
That left Lily with only two options as far as she could tell. She could either go to Dumbledore, or she could ask the Marauders. Neither option sounded particularly appealing. But eventually she settled on asking the Marauders first, if she had no luck with them, she would talk to the Headmaster. After all, it had only been a few days since Mulciber had sent him to the Hospital Wing, there was every chance he could have been targeted again.
"Remus, could I have a word please?" she asked quietly, thankful he was alone at the moment.
"Of course, Lily, sit down" he answered softly, indicating towards the seat opposite him at the table. "So, what can I do for you?" he asked. Lily took a deep breath.
"I can't find Severus anywhere" she told him.
"Oh? And you're coming to me because..?" he frowned.
"Look," she began, trying to speak as calmly as possible, "I know Potter's spying on him, I heard you all talking about it at the start of the year" she continued on. Remus looked down at his book, "I don't know how you're doing it, but I know you are"
"Lily, I've been telling them to leave you both alone" Remus said, finally looking back at her.
"I know" she nodded, "But the other day they found us outside Severus' room right after he'd been attacked by Mulciber and Avery. They didn't find us by accident" she explained.
"No," he admitted, shaking his head, "They saw Mulciber and Avery heading towards Snape's room, Potter still thinks they're all working together, but then he saw you heading their way"
"Potter thought it was a trap set up for me?" she asked, frowning.
"He doesn't trust Snape" Remus told her, looking guilty.
"Even after what happened to him?" she asked him, feeling more than a little annoyed.
"I don't know, Lily" he admitted, shrugging, "It's confused them, that's for sure." Lily sighed, typical. Sev was still a target for everyone.
"Look, I need help finding him right now. I'm worried the Slytherins might have got him again. If you know how this 'spying' thing works, can you please just do it and tell me where he is?" she pleaded, she needed to know, needed to make sure he was safe. Remus looked at her cautiously, as if trying to decide whether he should. Finally, he nodded, reaching into the folds of his robes, pulling out and unfolding a large piece of parchment.
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good" Remus practically whispered, tapping the parchment with his wand. Lily's jaw dropped as she saw a map of Hogwarts take shape on what was blank parchment a second ago, tiny named dots moving about.
"Remus, what is this?" she asked, amazed by what she saw.
"This is our map" he told her quietly. Lily scanned it carefully, she could see dots with her own name and Remus' in the common room, Potter, Black and Pettigrew still in the Great Hall, the Slytherins were locked away in their own dorm. But where was Severus? "Look, there" Remus suddenly indicated, "Astronomy tower"
"Astronomy tower? What on Earth would he be doing up there?" she asked, even more confused now.
"I guess you'll find out" he told her.
"Try not to let them come after him. Please" she asked, "I get a bad feeling about this"
"I'll do my best" he nodded.
"Thanks, Remus"
"Mischief managed" he muttered as he tapped the map, Lily stared as the parchment blanked itself once more, the lines, dots and names seeming to bleed away into nothingness.
Lily left the Common room as quickly as she could, practically sprinting down the corridors, making her way to the Tower before he could move somewhere else. If he was able to move somewhere else, if he wasn't hurt. She had no idea what he could be doing up there, it wasn't the sort of place you went for a morning stroll.
Finally at the Astronomy tower, and slightly out of breath from the mad dash, she slowed down, carefully peeking around the area, trying to find Severus. Eventually, she saw him, back against the wall, knees bent with arms wrapped around them, head bent low, resting on his limbs. Cautiously, she approached him, not sure if he was hurt, or asleep, or just deep in thought.
"Sev?" she whispered, crouching down in front of him. Slowly, he lifted his face to hers, meeting her eyes sadly. She'd seen that look before. Sad. Hopeless. "What happened?" she asked, softly stroking his hair. He shook his head slightly, shrugging. "Dream?" she asked, it was the only time she ever saw him like this. Slowly, he nodded, closing his eyes, "Do you want to talk about it?" Severus opened his eyes again, fighting back tears.
"I am a horrible person, Lily" he choked out, shaking his head.
"No, you're not. Not at all" she whispered, stroking his face, "What would make you say that?"
"I dreamt that my father was killed" he whispered. Lily frowned.
"How?" she asked him cautiously.
"In a stupid, drunken fight after getting thrown out of a pub" he told her. Lily took a deep breath.
"So, how does that make you a bad person?" she asked him, not understanding in the slightest. Now, if he said he murdered him, snapping after a lifetime of abuse, well...
"Because I don't want to change it" he said, closing his eyes again. "I don't want to tell them" he went on, "I hate the man" he whispered.
"That's understandable, he's done so much to you, and your Mum" she told him, fighting back her own tears.
"But I'm supposed to be changing things" he told her, "If I'm being sent this, it's for a reason. I'm supposed to tell them, aren't I?" he asked, his eyes fixing on hers again. "But I keep thinking that we'd be better off without him, and..." he trailed off, burying his face again.
"Only you can decide what to do with the information, Sev. It doesn't make you a bad person" she told him gently.
"If I don't tell, it makes me as much to blame. It might as well be me killing him" he snapped.
"But it's not you. You wouldn't do that" she tried to assure him, "Look at me, Sev. Please?" she asked him. Gradually he lifted his head to look at her again, still looking distraught. "It's not your fault, Sev. And it won't be your fault, either" she told him softly. She didn't know what else to say to him, so simply wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close to her. In silence.
...
Severus pulled himself away from Lily's embrace. The memory from last night playing in his head. And no matter what she said, whatever reassurances she gave, gentle touches she bestowed, he felt disgusting. Not what he'd seen. He'd seen the funeral, taking place in winter. He'd seen his mother distraught, sobbing over the death of a man who'd beaten and abused her, robbed her of her magic, and had robbed their son of his childhood.
Severus wanted him dead. He hated his father for every foul word he'd uttered at them both, every raised fist, every kick, every thrash of the belt he'd received. He didn't want to change this memory, so he didn't want to tell anyone. That made him feel worthless. Ashamed that he wanted another human being dead.
He didn't deserve Lily's comfort, he knew that. He didn't deserve her at all, didn't deserve her care, her affection. She was too kind, too understanding and compassionate. How could someone like her possibly love someone like him? Even though he pulled away from her, she continued stroking his hair, his face, the gentleness in her gaze told him she loved him. Whether he felt he deserved it or not, she wasn't going anywhere. Severus sighed as his thoughts continued swirling.
"I have to tell someone, don't I?" he whispered softly. He knew he did. He had to be the better man. He had to be better for Lily, if not for himself. Lily moved to sit next to him, and Severus slipped his arm around her shoulder.
"That is something only you can decide, Sev" she told him quietly
"Would you tell, if you were me?" he asked her.
"Probably" she finally admitted. Severus nodded. "When is it supposed to happen?" she asked him.
"Around Christmas or New Year, I think" he told her quietly.
"So, you still have time to think about what you want to do" she said, "You don't have to decide this minute" she added. Severus sighed, nodding again. Personally, he felt he should decide as quickly as possible so he didn't have to think about it anymore. "You could just brush this off as a regular dream and not think about it again, you could send your Mum an owl and let her know, or you could talk to Dumbledore" she reasoned.
"I'm not sure I can pretend it was a regular dream, Lily. I think I have to tell my Mum in some way. I don't know if I could live with myself if I didn't" he didn't think he could cope with the guilt if he knew his father was going to die and he didn't at least mention it, "I'm not sure about sending an owl though, if he was there when it arrived I don't know what he'd do to my Mum" she'd most likely get a beating if a Hogwarts owl showed up at the house.
"You could ask Dumbledore if you can send a letter home using the Muggle post" Lily suggested.
"That could work" he admitted, nodding slowly, "Though of course, there's always the possibility they'll ignore it even if I do tell them" they probably would in all honesty.
"But at least you'll have tried. If you tell them something's going to happen and he ignores it, it will be his decision" she said gently. That was true, if they ignored him he wouldn't really have failed. His father would know what he was getting himself into, it wouldn't be his fault. Severus wouldn't have to feel guilty.
"So, I need to talk to Dumbledore about it then" he said quietly. Lily nodded. That seemed to be fairly common over the last six months. Severus found himself needing to talk to the Headmaster. He didn't know what it was, when he started trusting him, seeking him out to discuss the things in his head. He'd never had an adult in his life before that he trusted, that he 'could' go to. And Dumbledore seemed more than keen to encourage him to do exactly that. Almost eager to have Severus come to him to discuss whatever plagued his thoughts, his dreams. His memories. Or maybe it wasn't about him at all, maybe it was purely these memories of Voldemort that Dumbledore was after.
Any way Severus looked at it, he needed Dumbledore, he wasn't going to figure it out by himself. Maybe giving Dumbledore his memories was a fair exchange for the support he got in return.
...
"Moony!" James Potter called out as he made his way into the Gryffindor common room, Sirius and Peter following behind.
"James, guys. Everything ok?" Remus asked them as they joined him at the table, though they remained standing.
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. Do you have the map?" James asked him. Remus sighed.
"What do you want the map for?" Remus asked.
"Well, Snivelly wasn't at breakfast, we want to know what he's up to" Sirius informed him, matter of fact.
"Look, this is getting stupid. Can't you just leave Snape alone for once?" Remus asked.
"We know something isn't right" James stated, "I just need to find out what" he explained casually. Remus heard himself sigh again.
"Whatever is going on, it's not our business" Remus told them calmly.
"But what if Lily gets hurt" James pointed out.
"She's not going to get hurt, not by Snape anyway. I think that's fairly obvious" Remus snapped.
"But it doesn't add up!" Sirius practically yelled.
"He's right, he was getting in with the Death Eaters, then appeared to suddenly change his mind, that doesn't make sense for a start" James informed him.
"Maybe he grew up. Or realised that if he wanted to be with Lily, he couldn't be with them. He had to make a choice" Remus said calmly.
"And there's all these meetings with Dumbledore, it's probably detention" James huffed.
"It could be detention, or it could genuinely be meetings, guidance, I don't know" Remus admitted, it was strange for the Headmaster to get so involved personally with one student.
"And he's not been in the Slytherin dorms since term started" Sirius added.
"Maybe Dumbledore had to move him" Remus said.
"Yeah, because he's dangerous" Potter chipped in.
"Or maybe it's because of the others. Mary said Mulciber went after Lily to punish Snape, and you found them after they hurt him the other day" Remus pointed out, that would make more sense. There were four other boys in that dorm who were definitely going to become Death Eaters, they were proud of that fact. If Snape had turned his back on them, that would make him a target. He needed to be moved for his own safety.
"I still don't like it" James whispered, "Just let me have a quick look at the map, Moony"
"Fine" Remus sighed, fishing in his robes to remove the parchment. James carefully unfolded and tapped it with his wand, muttering their incantation, the Marauders map revealed itself to the group of boys. All four of them immediately scanning for a tiny dot labelled 'Severus Snape'. Remus saw it straight away, saying nothing as the others continued the search.
"Astronomy tower?" Sirius questioned, pointing to the dots, Lily Evans right next to Severus Snape.
"Maybe he's going to do us a favour and chuck himself off" James smirked, Sirius grinned in return, Peter sniggered. Remus merely shook his head, it really was getting ridiculous.
"Shall we pay them a visit, Prongs?" Sirius posed, raising an eyebrow.
"No" Remus cut in, "Just leave them alone"
"What? But where's the fun in that?" James asked.
"Just leave them be. You're getting obsessed" Remus told him
"Obsessed?" James asked, looking confused.
"Yes, you're constantly watching him on that map, following him, talking about him" Remus pointed out.
"Come on, I'm not that bad" James protested.
"Well, almost" Sirius laughed.
"Just sit down, leave them alone. Do some studying or something" Remus instructed, even though it was futile.
"I just don't trust him" he said quietly.
"Don't trust him? Or don't like it that Lily does?" Remus asked, he knew Lily Evans was a huge part of why James had it in for Snape, and Sirius was more than happy to accompany James in tormenting him. James sighed, finally sitting down at the table, Sirius and Peter following the lead.
"Fine. I'll leave it alone this time" James conceded. Remus took a deep breath, watching the map as two little dots left the Astronomy tower, making their way back into the main part of the castle, heading towards the library.
"Can we put this away now?" Remus asked. James nodded reluctantly, wiping the map. Remus folded it up, tucking it back in his robes, turning his attention back to his book. The other three Marauders headed off to retrieve their own things, finally agreeing that study was the best option for the morning. Remus took more deep breaths, amazed he had actually managed to stop James and Sirius going off after Snape, they never usually listened to him. And he was even more amazed that he had got through the discussion without letting them know that he'd revealed the map to Lily. For some reason, he felt that bit of information was better kept to himself. For a start they wouldn't like their secrets revealed to a non-Marauder, especially not the girlfriend of Severus Snape. One wrong move on their part and she would most likely tell McGonagall, finding away to get the map confiscated.
It was only going to get more difficult from here though. Remus sighed again, once more giving his full attention to the book in his hands.
