A/N : I am sorry this update took ages. I hope you still like this story and I'd be happy to hear from you if you do. Many thanks to my friend and Beta Christine.
28. Draco
Hermione immediately reacted to Draco's obvious gaping and began releasing her grip on Severus' hand. It wouldn't be helpful to add to Draco's anger and confusion. But Severus surprised her and only tightened his grip. He seemed to be stubbornly resisting of letting go and hiding anything from Draco. Hermione had to smile to her herself.
"Is there anything else you wish to say?" He asked Draco in a cool voice.
Draco hesitated. He took another look at Hermione, who was standing so near to Severus that there was no doubt left what was going on between them. He found it rather disgusting, he sternly told himself.
"Really, Severus? You couldn't have found anyone better than Harry bloody Potter's second best friend? The Weasel's ex-girlfriend? I am very disappointed," he said with a self-righteous sneer.
Severus only sighed and had to think a while on the best response to Draco's insult. He had hoped that Draco had matured during his absence and had gotten over prejudice and his pride. But apparently, nothing had improved or he was in impressive denial of reality, which his attempt at suicide seemed to confirm.
Severus decided on a counter-attack.
"At least I am happy, which I guess one can't really say about a person who has just tried to kill himself and failed miserably," he said and Hermione almost couldn't believe that he really said that and sounded like her former teacher again.
Draco didn't seem to have anything to say to that, so Severus continued.
"When I wrote you that letter after my recovery I had hoped we could come to some kind of understanding about our relationship in this after-war world. Your response, however, made it very clear that my attempt was unwanted, so I left you to your own devices. I won't tell you how Hermione and I became close to each other because I simply think you don't deserve to hear that story. Yet."
He paused and had to think about how to continue. He wanted to be harsh to make Draco see some sense, but also he did not want to shut him out completely. Draco would have one last chance with him, if he wanted to. If not, so be it – no illusions there, Godson or not.
"I will return tomorrow for a meeting with Healer Browne - and no, we won't discuss you, but your mother. We are about to discuss a potion that might help her. As you can see, I've made my way back into life, slowly, but steadily. And don't think I still doubt that I deserve any of the happiness I am feeling these days. Guilt is a steady companion, but I've found there are things worth living for.
If you'd like to talk in a more sensible way to me, you can find me sitting in front of your door tomorrow at noon. If you don't come out, I will leave you in peace.
You will see Hermione now and then because she is working here now. If I ever hear any complaint about you or your behaviour, you will have to answer to me, is that clear?"
Draco seemed to have lost his ability to speech and just nodded with an expression of shock and awe on his face.
He had never seen Severus being kind and so hard at the same time.
Severus inclined his head, wrapped his arm around his girlfriend and left the room.
Hermione let out the breath she'd been holding as soon as they were back on the corridor.
"Wow, Severus, that was … intense. If that doesn't shake him up, I really don't know what will."
His response wasn't what she had expected.
"Why did you let go of my hand when he commented on us being in a relationship?" He didn't sound offended but rather curious, his expression guarded.
"It wasn't really a conscious decision, Severus. It's just – his words – they reminded me so much of our time at Hogwarts and I really… still don't like him. I didn't want to add more fuel to his anger I think. It has nothing to do with us, Severus, and you know that."
His shoulder sagged a bit.
"Sometimes I still ask myself what you see in me," he said so quietly that she had trouble to understand him.
Seconds ago, he had appeared like the most self-confident man in the world, but he was letting her see his real self and that meant so much to her.
"I love you, Severus. There is absolutely no reason to doubt that. And I am not ashamed of our relationship. I could never be. You are a wonderful, gentle, handsome and loveable person," she added with a smile that made him blush at hearing her compliments.
In the middle of the corridor, Severus kissed her, not bothering about the stares they received. When he finally let go of her, Hermione was slightly breathless.
"What do you think about dinner at my house tonight?" He asked in a husky voice.
"I'll be there at eight."
Draco lay in his bed, sulking. Severus words had shocked him more than he would ever dare to admit aloud. The worst thing was that Severus was absolutely right.
He had failed to kill himself.
He had failed to build himself a new life after the end of the war.
He had failed to make amends for his deeds during the war.
He had failed to thank Severus for everything his Godfather had ever done for him.
He had failed to do anything for his mother.
He had failed to find a sense in his life.
What boggled his mind almost to no end until deep into the night was the fact that Severus and Hermione Granger of all people were an item. How could that have happened after Weasley's death?
Severus really seemed to be much happier than Draco had ever seen him. His face had a healthy colour, considerably less lines and the dark Muggle jeans he had worn together with the blue shirt had made him appear at least ten years younger.
But how could he ever build the courage to ask for Severus' forgiveness? To admit his own failures?
He was supposed to be an arrogant git and the attitude he had shown today had certainly emphasized this.
Turning those thoughts in his head Draco finally fell asleep when daylight already came through the windows of his room.
Hermione and Severus spent a wonderful evening together. Severus had cooked and they had shared a glass of wine over some pasta with seafood.
"Severus, this is delicious. Knowing you can cook like that, I will never work up any ambition in cooking," Hermione complimented him.
Severus smiled at her compliment and seemed very pleased with himself.
His mind went back to Draco and he really felt unsure if Draco would come out of his room tomorrow or just ignore his attempts and gave up.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Hermione's voice interrupted him.
"I am not a good host tonight, sorry. Somehow I can't stop thinking about Draco. Was I too hard on him?" He asked, his voice insecure.
"No, you were not. You hit exactly the right tone with him. He'll come round, I am pretty sure about it."
"How can you be? You don't even know him that well?" He shot back, sounding a lot more defensive that he felt.
Hermione couldn't help but think that he was right and didn't reply. After a while, Severus took a deep breath and began to speak.
"Narcissa made me take the Unbreakable Vow right after the Dark Lord had made plans for having Albus killed by Draco. I always thought Draco trusted me enough to tell me about the plans he made for making it happen. I also thought he trusted me enough to admit that he struggled with his conscience and the task he had to perform. It seems I was wrong. I approached him several times, as Harry once witnessed, to offer my assistance and ask him about the progress with his plans.
Later I lost some of the Dark Lords confidence because of the lack of discipline at Hogwarts after Dumbledore's death. He accused me of being soft and advised the Carrows to be even harder on the students. Voldemort never punished me for not obeying his orders completely, he just suspected I had gone soft about the students. You know what Ginevra or Neville would say about my behaviour. Soft would have definitely been different. But Draco only reported more people to me, and all those time he came to my office, he never once said a word about what had happened when Dumbledore…died."
Severus paused, taking another sip from his wine glass.
"I did see that the pressure of the task wore Draco down and I never knew how much Crabbe or Goyle were aware of his plan. When Draco was younger, even in his first two years at Hogwarts, we were able to talk to each other. Sometimes, he came to visit me in the Dungeons and we had a good relationship, as far as I can tell.
Then Lucius hoped the Dark Lord would return and heightened his influence on Draco again. During your second year, with Tom Riddle's diary, Draco was not aware what was going on. Really only after the Dark Lords return, Draco let show how much he seemed to be on the Dark Lord's side. And what was I supposed to do? Talk him about out of it? Blow my cover as a spy? Trust him with my secrets?
We grew more distant over the years, something I really regret, but the situation I was in would not let allow me to confide in him."
"I understand that, Severus. You don't have to justify yourself. I know how difficult this must have been for you, love."
"You are far too kind, Hermione. I still think I should have tried harder to stay close to him in those last school years. Perhaps I should have taken that leap of faith and tell him the truth and it would have all turned out for the better."
"You are forgetting something, Severus," Hermione interrupted his thoughts.
"What?" Severus asked, looking confused.
"He let you kill Albus, although he was supposed to do it. He took the job, and he failed. Draco was responsible for his actions, just like Harry or me were at that time.
Now you have to live with what you were forced to do. I know Albus wanted you to do it. But to me it seems that all of them didn't spare one thought about you. Albus was cruel for even planning you having to do it, and Draco for not having the courage, and Narcissa for letting you take the Unbreakable Vow, which you saw as your duty as his Godfather. I know you wanted to spare his soul, but even in wartimes not everything should be justified for the greater good."
Hermione was a bit breathless after her speech but Severus sat opposite her, his mouth hanging open and obviously speechless.
"Severus, what is it?" Hermione asked, concern in her voice. God, my mouth just ran away with all that….
After another minute of silence, Severus finally spoke.
"You have no idea how much I needed to hear this from anyone other than myself. Thank you, Hermione. Thank you for your faith in me."
He took her hands and squeezed them.
That night, Severus swore to himself, lying wide awake next to Hermione, that he would do everything in his power to make Hermione happy and if she still wanted him, marry her one day. He was quite sure that no one else in the world was able to make him feel the way she did and no one could make him as happy as she did.
Her little speech after dinner had lifted another shade off his soul that he hadn't even been aware of. She had given him absolution. And her arguments had been logical and not influenced by her feelings for him. He believed what she said and he felt lighter than he had ever felt in his whole life.
The sex they had afterwards had been spectacular, Severus had to admit to himself in the darkness of his bedroom.
He had always held himself back and focused on her pleasure. He always made sure she felt satisfied and comfortable in bed but tonight he had let out all the frustration he felt and had taken over control. She simultaneously had let out all the angriness she felt on his behalf. It had felt amazing and liberating at the same time.
He still had no clue if Draco would come outside of his room tomorrow, but there was nothing more he could now do about it, so he tried to get some sleep.
Hermione got up early to take a long hot shower and treat herself with a good breakfast. The last night had exhausted her and although she should have felt a lot more tired with so little sleep to go on, she felt refreshed and happy. The sex she had last night with Severus had been amazing and shortly before she had fallen asleep she swore to herself she would never let him go. It was still early in their relationship but nothing had ever felt so right in her life.
Her morning was filled with loads of new patients arriving in the emergency ward and there was no time to spend further thoughts on Draco or her future with Severus. When lunchtime came closer she found herself looking at her watch every five minutes. She hoped she could get away in time before twelve.
"Hermione, is there any other place you need to be right now?" Jason asked after she had just checked her Muggle watch again.
"Sorry, Jason, no, I don't. It's just – Severus and Draco had a fight yesterday and they agreed to meet again at twelve."
"And you want to be there, too?"
"Yes, but with all the work here, I'll stay to help. I am sorry for being distracted."
"Just go, Hermione, I can manage for half an hour and it's time for your break anyway. Be back at half past twelve. It's okay – you've been doing well this morning."
"Thanks, Jason. But I will finish this bandage first." Hermione was still mostly observing but sometimes, like today, Jason let her help with minor things that normally a nurse would have done. Slowly, she was building up her knowledge and she was eager for the more difficult tasks although she knew there was still a long way ahead of her.
Severus had managed to finish his potion this morning and now only had to find a name for it. It was the one he had designed for Hermione's first day at St. Mungo's. Perhaps Hermione would have an idea for it.
Finally, it was time to leave for St. Mungo's. He didn't feel nervous, merely curious about Draco's decision. Hermione had taken most of the guilt he had still felt yesterday away with her words. He slowly walked from the apparition spot on the ground floor up to the fourth floor, where Draco's room was. His meeting with Healer Browne was only at one p.m., so there would be enough time to talk to Draco – if he decided to show up at all.
When he reached Draco's room, he found Hermione sitting there and waiting for him.
"I didn't think you could come," he greeted her.
"I just had to. I have half an hour," she replied. "And hello to you, too," she stood on her toes and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
"Uargh.. gross, Uncle Severus. Kissing in public?" Draco's voice could be heard from the door, the sneer clearly audible in it.
Severus decided not to comment on that and turned around. Draco was incredibly pale and barely able to stand on his feet without support. Hermione still had her arms around Severus' waist and didn't let go.
"So you've decided to talk to me then? Good," Severus said.
"To you, yes, but not to her," he answered, gesturing at Hermione.
"Then we're done here. Come, Hermione." Turning around, Hermione could see the smirk on Severus' face. He knew exactly what he was doing and apparently he did know Draco well, because only after the first step they took, he called after them.
"Okay, Severus. I understand. You together with her or not at all."
Apparently, Draco knew Severus well enough, too.
They turned around and Severus nodded, his smirk replaced by an honest and open expression.
Silently, they followed Draco into his room.
Draco slowly made it back into his bed, but he really seemed weak and unwell.
"How are you feeling, Draco?" Hermione asked softly into the silence of the room. "Anything I can get you?"
"No, the nurse was here a couple of minutes ago and brought me some pain relief. Should kick in any moments. Bloody kidneys."
Severus, however, wasn't in the mood for small talk and decided on a direct approach.
"Why did you try to kill yourself, Draco?"
Draco stared at him, wide-eyed. He had anticipated that question at some point in the conversation, but definitely not at its beginning. He felt ashamed and didn't know what to say. He couldn't look at Severus any more and turned his head towards the window. A silent tear escaped his right eye after a couple of minutes silence.
"Because I am a failure," he whispered so silently that Severus almost missed it. He sniffed and more tears escaped his eyes.
"I have no right to exist at all. I fail at everything I do. Even at killing myself."
Severus and Hermione stayed silent, waiting for Draco to say more. It was obvious he had to speak out loud the things he felt.
"After the final battle, I locked myself away at home and waited. I don't know for what exactly but I waited. Mother was here already after the final battle and I never visited. I didn't leave my bed for days and my thoughts turned round and round. When your letter arrived, weeks after the final battle, I had already written a letter that I tore apart and burned. Instead I've written another one and sent you that. I couldn't stand the thought to disappoint you more than I already had.
Only after your letter I decided to leave England for a while. I went to the States, lived in Chicago for a while and it was nice that nobody recognized me. I spent most of my time in Muggle bars and learnt that Muggles aren't that bad. I almost managed to make myself a friend, but in the end, I even failed that. After I've returned a couple of weeks ago, I've never written him again."
I thought about contacting you but I wasn't sure you still lived at that hotel you've written from. So I didn't. I am sorry, Uncle Severus. For everything."
Finally, Draco turned his head and looked into Severus' eyes. They were moist with tears as well. Draco had never seen Severus cry before and didn't understand why he would start now, after having heard his story.
"I think I owe you an apology, too, Granger," Draco said quietly, looking at her.
"Accepted," she replied, "but it is Severus who needed to hear it. You are certainly not done yet." But Severus interrupted her.
"Thank you for telling me, Draco. You should rest now, you do look exhausted. I will come back tomorrow, same time. We'll talk more then. For now, this is quite enough."
Severus took a step forward and hugged him.
Draco had expected a lot from Severus, but certainly not a hug or absolutely no comment on his confession except the thanks, but perhaps it was for the best.
He needed the time to think, and he assumed, Severus as well. And he felt exhausted, Severus was right about that.
"Why did you let him get away with that? I think he has a lot more to explain than he did," Hermione said angrily as soon as they had closed the door to Draco's room behind them.
"Because I can see that he is being honest. I will hear the details but for now, for today, it was enough for me. Please accept that, Hermione," Severus answered her, sounding exhausted.
"Okay, for now I'll let it go. You know him better than I do. I have to head back again anyway." She pecked him on the cheek and turned to go.
"Hermione?" he called after her.
"Yes?"
"Thank you for your concern. Now go and save some lives," he said with a smile.
Although he was half an hour early, Severus went straight to Healer Browne's office. Perhaps she was in and they could start their meeting early.
The door was open and Healer Browne sat at her desk, writing something into a large notebook. He knocked on the doorframe.
"Ah, Mr Snape. You're early but please come in. The more time we have, the better."
"Healer Browne," he greeted her and shook her hand.
"Oh please, Mr Snape. If I am correct we will be working quite closely for a while. Please call me Cecelia."
"Severus," he replied.
For the next two hours they discussed Narcissa's condition in detail and although he was no Healer, even Severus could see that the administered potions couldn't have helped. St. Mungo's really seemed to have a serious problem there.
They decided he would write down his ideas and they would meet up next week again to discuss the first results. The coma Narcissa was in did not worsen her condition and they would have time to come up with well–thought-out ideas.
On his way home, he thought about how easy it had been to engage with Cecelia. She was highly skilled and had a good know-how in potions for a healer. Severus realized that he missed having colleagues. Although he had kept mostly to himself during his Hogwarts time it was still good to have his colleagues around all the time.
He loved working in his potions lab, but his only professional contact remained the Apothecary in Hogsmeade. Perhaps it was time to do something about that.
After Hermione returned from her lunch break, her day went to hell.
She did her usual ward round with Jason and the other apprentices, including Harry, like they did every afternoon.
It was during these hours Hermione learnt the most. All cases they were seeing were totally different and usually, she returned home with several pages of notes.
They now entered the room of Eugenia Lovegood, a distant relative of Luna. She had been at St. Mungo's for several weeks now for cancer treatment. She had come in so late that no potion or spell they had administered could have stopped her from dying. They had only bought her some more time.
Hermione was aware that she would eventually die, but when Jason stopped in front of her room and turned around to face his students, she knew there was something wrong.
"You are all aware of Mrs Lovegood's condition. She has entered the last phase of her life now and if I had to guess, I'd say she has only hours left. I will contact her family after our ward round but I would like one of you to stay with her in case my estimation is wrong. Do we have a volunteer for this difficult task or will I have to choose one of you?"
Harry and Hermione shared a look and nodded at each other. "We'd both like to stay," they said in unison before the other two apprentices could utter a word.
"I know it would be easier for you to do this together but I insist one of you does this alone. It is part of your training to see people die and I know this sounds cruel, but you have to get used to it. The earlier, the better."
"I will do it," Hermione said before anybody else could answer. She needed to get this over with, she told herself in her mind.
Jason seemed to hesitate, clearly because she was the most inexperienced of the four, but nevertheless, he nodded after a few moments.
"Alright, Hermione. If you need anything, come and get me."
With that, she entered the room, closed the door behind her and wondered if she was up to her task.
Severus was nervous. He had worked on a concept for a potion to cure Narcissa all day and now that it was nine in the evening, he hadn't heard from Hermione yet. Contemplating if he should send a Patronus, he sat in his living room, wondering how fast he got dependent on another person in his life.
She should have been in her flat since about six in the evening and usually she came by or sent her Patronus shortly after she got home. But no word from her today. Had something happened at the hospital? Was she okay? Or was he simply being paranoid?
He decided to wait another hour before he would send a Patronus. He could still ask Harry but there could be a simple reason for her delay and he didn't want to appear too anxious to see her in front of Harry. He hated that he wasn't able to turn his thoughts away from her.
At about half past nine, Severus was a bunch of nerves and got ready to apparate to Hermione's flat. Dependent or not, he had too see if she was alright. He put on his shoes and a sweater and apparated to her front door. Normally he would apparate right in, but not today. He knocked.
"Hermione? Are you home?"
He heard slow footsteps from inside and slowly, the door opened. Hermione was a mess. Severus hadn't seen her in such a state since Ron's death.
She stumbled right into his arms and cried.
"What happened?" he asked quietly.
"She died, Severus. She just died and there was nothing we could do for her," she sobbed into his shoulder.
"Who died?" He asked impatiently.
"Mrs… a patient. A lovely woman."
They entered the flat and sat down on their couch.
"You lost a patient today?" Severus concluded.
"Yes, and I thought I was able to handle it, but I'm not. How can I ever become a Healer if I can't stand watching people die? How could I ever think I would be able to handle this?"
Severus let her cry for a while and didn't comment on her questions. He had expected something like this to happen, but not that early in her training.
When Hermione had calmed down, he finally spoke.
"Your reaction is perfectly normal. If a patient's death would not affect you, I would certainly be more concerned than I am now. The thing you must learn is to distance yourself from it. The patients are only patients, no friend, no family. They will die with or without you and this woman did not die alone today. You were with her. This is what counts. You can't save everyone, but you can be there for people when the Healer cannot do more than he's already done."
"I thought I could handle it when I volunteered, but Jason hesitated to let me in. I should have known I wasn't ready."
"You'll never be, but you will learn to handle it, Hermione. You are strong and when the shock wears off, you will see what I mean."
"Oh Severus, I should have come to you right away, but I felt so ashamed. Thank you for coming."
"I was worrying when I didn't hear from you, so I decided to come over."
"Sorry, I didn't think. Will you stay?"
Severus was so relieved that she was alright that he could only nod. He felt like a fool now but he guessed that was what fools did when they were in love.
