Killian woke up with a heavily beating heart. He was so excited to finally be going back to school, but at the same time, his stomach churned with nerves at the thought of facing all his friends and teachers Nothing in his life this far had compared to this anxiety, and part of him wanted to just pull the covers back over his head.
But, the other half of him realized that if he wanted to get his life back under control, he had to do what Dr. Hopper said by going to school and taking a step back from everything else. To do that, he'd have to suck it up and get out of bed.
Killian threw back the covers and got dressed. He wandered over to the mirror, only to find that his chin bruise was faded to a light purple color. Killian sighed, hating that he had physical evidence of his stupidity. He then turned around and made his way down to the kitchen. He met his father, sitting at the table and reading the newspaper, and his brother, texting away. Liam put down his phone and looked up at Killian. "Remember to take you medicine?" he asked.
Killian was surprised at how little his reminder irritated him. Sure, there was a part of him that still wanted to snap back, telling Liam he was almost an adult and didn't need to be babied. But now, Killian was able to handle that part better. "I was just about to do it." Killian walked over to the orange bottle on the counter and took out a single pill, swallowing it and turning around to the cupboard.
Dr. Hopper had been right when he said Killian's medicine would make him sick if he didn't take it with food. The first night, he ate only a few crackers when he took his medication, and his stomach was churning, nausea keeping him up all night. After that disaster, he made sure to have a real meal with it.
Pulling out a random box of cereal, he poured himself a bowl and came to eat at the table. His father put down the newspaper. "Are you ready to get back to school?"
Killian took a hearty bite of the Cheerios he had poured. "I mean, I'm caught up in all my homework and everything, but I'm nervous to see everyone."
"Well, just go back in there with your head held high," Liam said, standing up. He grabbed his keys, about to leave for another day at the navy. "And please, please, don't talk to that fricken munchkin."
"Walsh," Killian muttered, taking another spoonful into his mouth. Out of everyone, he was the person Killian was least looking forward to seeing. "And that definitely won't be an easy feat. He's in most of my classes at Storybrooke."
"Then make smart choices," he said, as he walked out the door.
Those four words played over and over in his head on his drive to school, and it was only when he was standing in front of the brown building that he realized that day was going to be much harder than he thought it'd be.
Another night, another nightmare.
It seemed like no matter what, Emma couldn't get a good night's rest. Whether it was because of her grades a month or so ago, her unresolved feelings for Killian, or her foster parent's marriage, everything was just piling up. Everything was just painful.
When Emma's alarm went off at 6:45 on the dot, she wanted to change and get out of there as quickly as possible. After everything she heard the previous night, there was no way she wanted to confront them. Emma grabbed her backpack and was halfway down the stairs when Marian was standing at the bottom. "Hi Emma," she said in her calm, sweet voice.
Emma was standing five stairs from the ground, still and unmoving. Looking at Marian, she could see pity in her eyes, and there was nothing Emma hated more than someone pitying her. Emma just wanted to get out of there, but with Marian blocking the exit, she had no other option than to see what she had to say.
"I, uh, I need to get to school," Emma said, taking the few steps down and trying to maneuver herself around Marian, quickly finding out that there was no way for Emma to get around her.
"I've already called the school, and you're staying home from school today."
Emma's mouth dropped. "I shouldn't miss, I have this English essay due and—"
"You'll be able to turn it in tomorrow," Marian said, using a voice much more stern than she usually does. Emma couldn't help but notice the bags under her eyes, and how her cheeks looked slightly redder than normal. "Once Roland wakes up, we're going to have a little family-meeting. Until then, feel free to go back to sleep."
Emma was about to respond when she decided it was a battle she wouldn't win. She slowly turned around and trudged back up to her room, throwing her backpack into it's original position and flopping on her bed.
She took out her phone and texted Ruby.
Staying home from school today. See you tomorrow.
Ruby, being the best friend she was, immediately responded.
Are you feeling alright? Or is this about Robin…?
Robin told Marian last night. I overheard a bit, and it doesn't
sound good.
What were they saying?
IDK. It just seemed like a lot for Marian to handle… Which, I mean,
I get it.
So, why are you staying home?
Marian already called Storybrooke and told them I wasn't coming
in, and we're going to have some sort of "family meeting" once
Roland wakes up. I don't really know what to expect.
Well, good luck. I'll be home after school to talk if you need it.
Thanks.
Emma laid her head on her pillow and closed her eyes, willing herself to fall back asleep. She couldn't, of course, but she was able to find some sort of limbo to keep her under control until she could face everything head on.
Before she knew what was happening, there was a knock on her door. "Emma? Could you come on down?" Robin asked, peeking his head in. Emma turned to face her foster father, her heart squeezing at the sight of him. She may be angry at him, but that didn't mean she didn't miss him. She reluctantly nodded her head, standing up and walking over. Robin patted her shoulder before leaving it there, guiding her down the stairs and to the kitchen, where a big breakfast was waiting for her.
Roland, still in his PJ's, was already taking a huge bite of scrambled eggs. Emma sat at her typical spot, looking down at the eggs and bacon and waffles sitting before her. She took one bite of the eggs and picked at the rest, really not in the mood to eat anything.
After the most awkward breakfast she's ever had, the family retreated to their family room – the very one she was in just yesterday signing papers. Emma and Roland sat on the loveseat, Roland nuzzling his head into Emma's side, while Robin took a chair and sat it in front of them, and Marian perched on the coffee table.
Robin and Marian gave each other a long look before turning back to Emma and Roland. Marian's eyes were already glossed over, and Robin's Adam's apple kept bobbing up and down. Finally, Robin opened his mouth. "We love you both so, so much," Robin began, and Emma knew from those seven words that this was the beginning of the end.
She pulled Roland closer to her body as she waited for whatever they had to say.
"Sometimes, moms and dads aren't able to live in the same house anymore, and that's no different from foster moms and foster dads," Marian added, her voice cracking towards the end. "Robin and I… Robin and I…"
Robin leaned forward, taking the microphone away from Marian. "I'm going to go live in a different home for a while. It doesn't mean that I don't love you both. It just means you're going to have two homes that will love you."
Emma's throat tightened, and she could feel her lip on the verge of trembling.
"We're both going to be an important part of your lives. We're just going to be a happier family if I live elsewhere for a while."
"Are you getting a divorce?" Emma blurted out.
Marian looked over at Robin before turning to Emma. "Nothing's for certain right now. We're just going to be separating for a while."
"How can you keep us? If you're not together?" Emma asked, again. She felt stupid asking, knowing that she aged out of the system and taking care of her was not really a problem for them anymore, but she couldn't help but group herself in with her brother.
"Well, we called Roland's new social worker, Graham, and asked about staying with his foster parents despite the separation," Robin began. "It's tricky, but he said as long as we follow some guidelines, he gets to stay. As for you, Emma…"
"I know, I know…" Emma interrupted, slumping back into the chair and, once again, pulling Roland closer. "I've aged out, it doesn't matter."
"That wasn't what I was going to say." Robin leaned forward and placed a hand on Emma's knee. "And it does matter."
Roland looked between the three adults, a confused look on his face.
"We're all going to be happier this way." Marian did her best to smile, but it ended up looking like a twisted scowl. "I promise, we both love you so much."
"Do you have any questions… for us?" Robin asked, looking between the two children on the couch.
"So, is there, like, a custody agreement, or something?"
"Well," Marian began. "Similar to divorced parents, there will be a set schedule for Roland." Marian turned to Roland. "We don't know the exact details yet, but you will be here at the house the majority of the time."
"But I'll be in your life just as much, I just won't be physically living here." Robin added before turning to Emma. "And, you, Emma, get to choose who you want to see, where you want to live, and when you want to be there."
"If you want to stay at Robin's new place for the night or have dinner with me, you can go ahead and choose to do so. Robin and I have no say where you have to be," she said, and Emma could see the pain in Marian's eyes, afraid that Emma would choose to stay away from her. "Or, you can just choose to have the same schedule Roland has."
Emma nodded, and Roland finally piped up. "Why are you leaving?" Emma's breath hitched as she realized this is the exact question she asked herself every day for fourteen years. Why does everyone leave?"
Emma thought she had found a home that this would no longer be a question, or at least a question that only crept into her brain in the middle of the night when she remembered past homes. Never did she think Robin and Marian would be the one causing the same pain she'd nearly forgotten.
Everyone always leaves.
Emma looked down at her hands as Robin began to answer his question.
"Well, a parent's love between each other is very different from a parent's love for their children. We love you so much, Roland, and this new living arrangement isn't going to change anything."
"No one is leaving you, I promise."
Emma's heart was finally at it's bursting point. She couldn't handle the conversation any longer, and so she settled for running, like she always did. "I need…" Emma stood up and looked around the room. "I need to take a moment to think…" Without waiting for Robin or Marian to stop her, she dashed up the stairs, taking the steps two at a time, until she could be alone in her room.
Emma locked herself in her room, wanting nothing more than to talk to Ruby. Their family meeting had been early in the morning, and school didn't get out until 2:20, so it would be nearly six hours until she could talk to anyone.
Robin came in a couple times, and Emma kept kicking him out. Marian did, too, but eventually, they decided that she needed some time to herself to figure everything out.
Emma couldn't help the creeping thought that everything was her fault. She was the one who walked in on them. She was the one who introduced Regina to the Hoods. She was the one who forced Robin to tell Marian. If none of that happened, if she hadn't come to live with Robin and Marian, they would still be happily married, and Roland wouldn't be forced to shift between houses. Regina would still be all those foster kids' case manager, and everything would be right again.
It's all her fault.
It was about 2:00 when she finally left her room, sneaking to the garage and climbing up on the shelf until she came to her duffle bag full of everything that reminded her of Robin, Walsh, Killian, or Regina. She dug around it until she found a photo album of her life with the Hoods', and paged through it until she found her favorite picture of her family.
Emma jumped down and walked through the garage door until she came to sit on the swing on her front porch. Using her feet to push her back and forth, she stared at the photo.
It was the four of them at Storybrooke High's homecoming football game her junior year. All bundled up in Storybrooke hats and scarves, Aurora's mom had taken an action picture of them smiling and jumping when Storybrooke won the game. She traced the lines of Robin kissing Marian's cheek, of Roland pumping his fist in the air, and Emma clapping her hands. Her eyes filled with tears as she remembered how they went out to Granny's after for a celebration, and how Roland couldn't stop talking about his first football game.
Then, her body tightened when she realized that at this point, when this picture was being taken, he was sleeping with Regina. How could he play this perfect father figure to this wonderful family when, behind everyone's back, he was being unfaithful? It just didn't make sense to her, and every emotion burning her lungs came back in full force.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she ripped up the picture in half, then quarters, then eighths, as far as she could go until there were more little pieces than she could count. Staring at the pile in her hand, she felt nothing. She was numb.
Suddenly, the wind picked up, and piece by piece, the picture flew out of her hands. She watched them tumble down the street into the unknown.
There was something oddly settling about it, as if she was now free. It didn't make this situation any less hard, but seeing the photo fly away made her realize that she just needs to start over and get her life back on track.
She had to forgive Robin.
She had to let go of Walsh.
She had to stop blaming herself.
She had to embrace her shortcomings.
She had to apologize to Regina.
She had to let Marian in.
And she had to face Killian.
Each obstacle signified a brick that was cemented into her wall. It was used to protect her from the emotional pain she came to know growing up. But, this wall was also keeping love out, and she was letting her life go by without living it.
Everything in her life happened for a reason, and even if it didn't always make sense, no matter how many times she thought, "Why me?" in the sweet blackness of night, now she understood. It was a cliché, of course, but maybe that just made it more true.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Emma was strong, and with each new barrier, she became stronger.
Being afraid that people won't ever love her has helped her in the past. It kept her alive and breathing in even the worst situations, and it kept her from getting too attached and vulnerable.
But now she had people who loved her, ones who've promised never to leave, and she actually believed them. So, why was she keeping this wall up? There really was no reason for it to be there anymore.
It was going to be hard, but she had to tear it down.
