We drank, far too much, far too quickly. By the time I decided that I had to sleep, I was already too far gone. My head was spinning and my heart was hurting; the worst possible combination. They say you're brave and honest when you're drunk. Really? Why do I feel like such a fucking loser then. If I'm supposed to be that brave and that honest, then I should be able to do whatever the hell I want right. If so, why on earth am I being such a coward. So all those people that say things like that, they should just all fuck off.

I stumbled back to my room along what seemed like an endless hallway. And the nearer I drew to my room, the more difficult I found it to breathe. I gasped for air, pain pulsing through my body with each heartbeat. Black spots appeared in my vision as my body started to tremble and convulse. I collapsed on the floor, dragging myself along the walls till I reached your door.
I was so hungry. But most of all, I was so angry.

I remember, being left alone to die in the cold. I remember everything.
You cruel bitch. Selfish, heartless bitch.
How could you do this to me? How could you smile at me, kiss and fuck me; as if you loved me? As if you truly loved me?

She's a bitch. Go teach her a lesson.
Yeah, maybe I should. Maybe I should just barge in right now and do all the things that I could have done had I not been so damn injured and immobile when she left.
She's evil. She never loved you. She didn't deserve all that love you gave her.
That's right. That's true. She probably had a good laugh with all her Pureblood minions discussing how pathetic I was.
Their kind turned you into a monster. Go show them how scary monsters can be.
This monster couldn't even walk, couldn't even speak. All he did was stand outside your door.

I started to breathe. It's been so long. It's time to let go, to move on. Why can't you do it, Zero? What's holding you back? You should never let one person define your life, should never let someone be the reason for existence, or be the reason for not existing. She was one mistake, a learning experience. You fell down. Get up, dust yourself off, and start walking away. How long more do you want to stay on the ground? Why should you let life pass you by as you're down and out?

These thoughts all ran through my mind, but I stood there anyway, not moving. Had I been human, would I have been so hung up, so traumatized to the point I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without thinking of her. If I were human, would I have loved her to the point of insanity, to the point of no return and no redemption? No, I probably wouldn't have.

Because humans can live longer, have more chances at love, more people to love. Had I been human, I would have gotten over her quicker. I would have taken it as just another break up, just another girl, the first out of many to come. Had I been human, I would have taken it as just heartbreak, the heart will heal, the heart will move on. If I were human, I probably wouldn't have met her, so that solves the problem right away anyway. But I'm not human, so she's my first and probably my last. She'll always be my only one.

So pathetic, Zero. You're so pathetic.


I heard you outside my door, listening as you dragged yourself along the floor.

I could smell the alcohol. It's alarming how often this is happening.
I heard as you stopped right outside my door.

In my head, I could see you already.
I could see your hands clawing your neck. I could see the pain in your eyes. I could see your hands trembling, your shoulders shivering. I slumped to the floor. I wanted to cry, but I knew I had no right to tears, nor could I risk you hearing my tears. I wanted so much to hold you, but I knew I had no right to even touch you. But I've always given in, haven't I.

Each night, before approaching you, before unlocking your door, I tried to stop myself.
No, Yuki. This isn't right, Yuki. You shouldn't do this to him. You shouldn't be entering his life, shouldn't even try. He's lived well on his own all this while, he doesn't need you. Rido is just using you, don't continue being his pawn. It's time to go back to Kaname, time to stop messing with Zero.
But each night, I continued to hold you anyway. Because ever since the first time I saw you, I couldn't help but take care of you. Ever since I knew of your pain, I couldn't help but want to take your pain away.

It's the same tonight. I opened the door, just slightly to peek out at you. You were sitting on the floor, covering your face with your hands, still and unmoving.

"Are you okay, Zero?"
You looked up and smirked, as if I had just asked the stupidest question. Perhaps I had.
We looked at each other for a moment, both deciding the next words to say. It's funny that words used to flow so easily between us, that there was once upon a time when silences were comfortable. This silence now is deafening, holding a million questions with hurtful answers.
"Are you happy, Yuki?"
It wasn't a sincere question, it was mocking.
"You must be happy, in that little palace of yours fucking your Prince Charming," you continued. There was no mistaking the spite in your voice, the malice and anger. I should close the door now, shouldn't I? But I couldn't, I had to hear it all, I had to listen to Zero's voice to make up for all this time pining for it. Even if that voice speaks words that cut deeply, it's still the same voice I fell for.

"Was it worth it, Yuki?" It wasn't a sincere question, it was accusing.
"Was it worth it to leave your pretty little dresses and fancy balls to slum it out with me?" you continued, as you pulled yourself off the floor. Yes, it was worth it. It was worth it waking up next to you, worth it to kiss you, worth it to hold you. It was all worth it, to have a love like ours no matter how fleeting.
You walked towards me, your expression cold and lifeless. "Did you have your bit of fun fucking around with me?" you spat viciously. "Did you enjoy it, each time I came home all fucked up from you vampires?" You paused for a while before continuing, "No… you wouldn't have. You'd have wished that I hadn't made it home instead. You'd prefer that wouldn't you?"

You were near enough to touch. I wanted to tell you no. No, Zero, you're wrong.
Each time you left my sight, a piece of me died a little. With each passing day, Rido's plan progressed a little further, the weapons on the street would increase and your chances of survival decreases. Didn't you realize, how much I begged for you to stop, to just stay in the association, to just stay behind a desk strategizing instead of being at the front line. But each time I complained, you'll just smile at me, kiss my forehead, and leave anyway. Duty was your priority and, in spite of myself, that over-responsible nature of yours made me love you even more.
Each time you came home safe, I thanked whatever God out there that had protected you that day and prayed that they would continue protecting you. I'm sorry, I was too weak to protect you.
Each time you came home injured, I knew it was my fault. I think of leaving, that's the best way to protect you. But by then, I was in too deep. Leaving you would hurt your heart, the heart that had just been salvaged, that had just started to thaw and to warm. But staying would put you in danger.

I tried, Zero. I tried so hard to make the right choice. But none of it was right and I put it off. I delayed. I evaded. And because of that, you hurt even more. Whatever I did, it would have hurt us all. What was I to do, Zero? What could I have done at that time? I know now, that I should have left when I had the chance. I didn't know that the truth being forced out so brutally would have hurt this badly. I'm sorry, Zero; I didn't know how terrible this turn of events would be.

You pushed me against the wall, pinning my arms to my sides.
"You little bitch, fucking Pureblood. You took everything away. That's what your kind do. Take things, take everything." You shouted as you punched the walls.
I'm sorry. Punish me, Zero. I was wrong. If it makes you feel better, hurt me instead. Take it out on me, Zero. I deserve it. I won't fight back. Do it, do whatever you want.
Your eyes flashed red and your breathing quickened.

"Take from me, Zero."
You must have been starving. I've always wondered who you would take from when I was gone. But deep down I always knew you would never take from anyone else. You were a stickler like that. You probably wouldn't have been sated even if you drank. Vampires are only sated by their lovers. I should know; I've been thirsty ever since I've left. There wasn't anyone who could satisfy me. So take from me, Zero.


"Are you okay, Zero?"

What a stupid question. Which part of me looks okay to you? I'm drunk. I'm lonely. I'm hurting. All thanks to you. I looked up to see you standing before me.

Are you happy seeing this, Yuki? You succeeded in your mission, whatever your mission was. Was it to break the great Hunter Kiryuu Zero, to tear him to pieces, to destroy him to the core. You succeeded, hurray for you. "Are you happy, Yuki?" I asked.

You must be happy. You could let go of the parasitic Kiryuu Zero and go back to your fancy life of riches. You could go back to Kuran Kaname, your fucking brother/husband. How the hell does that even work. Tell me, does he satisfy your body the way I do, does he surpass me even in that? "You must be happy, in that little palace of yours fucking your Prince Charming," I spat viciously.

I pulled myself off the floor. It must have been difficult for the great Pureblood Kuran Yuuki to have had to leave it all behind to come stay in a tiny apartment just to get with me. Imagine a pureblood working and paying bills, doing groceries and laundry. I wanted to laugh, just thinking about it. It explains how helpless you seemed. But you got what you wanted, right. You managed to achieve what you set out to do, to fuck with the Hunter. "Was it worth it, Yuki? Was it worth it to leave your pretty little dresses and fancy balls to slum it out with me?"

You must have enjoyed it. "Did you have your bit of fun fucking around with me? Did you enjoy it, each time I came home all fucked up from you vampires?" You acted so well, it fooled me completely. Each time I left, you'd kick up such a fuss one would think that I was stepping into a toxic vat. Each time I came home safe, you'd act so relieved, showering me with kisses. Each time I came home all bloodied, you'd put on this big show of bandages and antiseptic one would think you were a part time nurse. I suppose those times were difficult for you too. You would have preferred it if they killed me off. That must have been a failed mission. "No… you wouldn't have. You'd have wished that I hadn't made it home instead. You'd prefer that wouldn't you?"

I pushed myself off the floor and walked towards you.
It was all just a game to you, wasn't it. I was an easy target.
Orphan, check. The loneliness made me easy prey, I would have fallen for anything.
Tragic past, check. That was your way in, that act of being the one to heal me from my nightmares.
It was simple math. I should have seen it. I should have noticed. Falling for you could have been due to your Pureblood charm instead of my own heart. That's what Purebloods do, they take away your right to choose. You didn't choose to live or die, the Purebloods decide whether to kill you or not. You didn't choose to love or not, the Purebloods decide that too. So you took it all, Yuki. "You little bitch, fucking Pureblood. You took everything away. That's what your kind do. Take things, take everything."

I was so angry and so drunk, the worst possible combination. I was shouting and punching walls, causing a commotion. I had you pinned against the wall, I wanted answers. Tell me, Yuki. Tell me that I'm wrong. I want to be wrong. Tell me that there had been a single element of truth contained in your words. The pain is kicking in, I'll lose myself anytime soon. But there are still so many things I want to ask.
Are you happy, Yuki? Are you genuinely happy now? Are you happy with Kuran Kaname, does he treat you right? Are you happy with your life being a princess, or are you bored? Are you happy being without me? If you say yes, maybe I could let go.
I am still that same foolish Zero, the Zero just wants you to be happy.

My throat started to burn and the monster starts to awaken. I felt myself slipping away and started to back away. Go, Yuki. Get away from this monster. You have no obligation to satisfy it anymore. It's never been your duty to take care of me and this monster in me. So leave, leave and be happy without me. I would never have been able to give you the happiness you deserve, so maybe things turned out for the better. I got a taste of this 'love' people praise so greatly, while you succeeded in your mission. I would have died and left anyway, regardless of who entered my life, whether human or vampire. So maybe it was good that you were a vampire who didn't need me. A win-win situation, isn't it?

"Take from me, Zero."
Don't be stupid. Are you pulling this 'I volunteer as tribute' bullshit with me again? Please, don't.
But then again, I'm not calling the shots anymore. This monster inside is rearing its ugly head already. It's hungry, it's thirsty. And your blood is sweet, or at least it used to be sweet. Will it still taste the same even though you've turned back to being a Pureblood? Will it contain your memories, your feelings, the truth? Drinking from you never enlightened me of your hidden motives, they just painted pretty pictures of love and all that. Maybe now in your true form, drinking from you would be more… informative?
There's only one way to find out.