A/N: Another not-too-exciting chapter, but this is important for Elle's character development.
Part 1C Five: Living Nightmare
Elle
A living nightmare is supposed to be when someone's "worst nightmare" – his or her fear – occurs during the day, while he or she is awake.
My living nightmare is experiencing the same bad dream almost every night, to the point where it remains in my thoughts during the waking hours.
I just can't get a break.
Saturday, November 28
My nightmares worsened. I didn't understand. To be honest, I gave up trying to. I could barely sleep at night anymore. Last night, I'd barely managed to get three hours. I'd stayed up late and set my alarm early to avoid being asleep too much. The minute I'd managed to nod off, the nightmares came back. As such, most of the night had been spent with me crying and trying not to wake up anyone.
My lack of sleep over the past month was starting to catch up to me. I was surprised I'd managed to go this long without passing out at random times of the day. Of course, the one time I nearly did pass out – not faint, pass out – was when I was jogging with Tim and Dick. Even though I was able to more or less keep up with them now – I wasn't too far behind – I still felt myself tire much more quickly than I should have. The next thing I knew, Dick and Tim were holding onto me, preventing me from hitting the ground.
"Are you okay?" Tim asked the obvious question, so I gave the obvious answer.
"I'm fine."
Dick shook his head. "You almost fainted." A pause, then, "Let's get you back inside."
"You haven't been sleeping, have you," Tim spoke as he and Dick led me back to the building.
I blushed and tried to shrug it off. "I'm fine."
"If your nightmares are getting to you –"
"I said I'm fine," I snapped. Not that I meant to. It just came out like that.
Nonetheless, neither of them talked afterwards.
It took a while, but I finally managed to calm them down and leave me alone. The rest of the day was uneventful, although Alfred "insisted" that I go to bed early. And no one says no to Alfred.
The nightmare was so vivid and loud and real that I had to swallow a scream when I woke up. Unfortunately, it was the middle of the night. Much too early to get up, even by my standards.
It took me an hour and a half to swallow my pride and go to Tim's room. Once again, he held me while I cried, trying to soothe me. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop my crying or my shaking. I held onto Tim like he was my lifeline. I was embarrassed and ashamed, but having a physical presence helped me to ground me, at least a little bit.
"You know, I'm no expert, but it might help to talk about your nightmares," Tim told me.
I shook my head. "I can't. I just … I can't."
"It helps," he insisted. "Take it from someone who knows."
I couldn't bring the details of the nightmare to my lips. Every time I tried, my brain froze, or my voice died. Finally, I was able to whisper in a shaking voice, "It's always my fault."
"What is?"
I sniffed. "In my ni-nightmares. It's always my fault." I can't say what it is, partially because that part was constantly changing, partly because my voice wouldn't let me. "I can't…I can't save them."
"Your family?" Tim guessed, hugging me tighter.
I nodded against his chest. "Everyone I love. Them. You. Dick. Bruce... Everyone." I clenched my fists. "No matter what I do, I can't save them."
Tim didn't say anything, just held me. A few minutes later, I added, "I'm worthless. Useless. Unwanted." Those were the words that always stood out from my nightmares. Those were the words that described how I felt in those nightmares and, lately, in my waking hours.
"None of those things are true," Tim told me sternly. He forced me to look him in the eye. Well, as much as was possible in the dark. "None of them."
I tried so hard to believe him. I guessed I believed him enough to fall asleep. Unfortunately, I didn't believe him enough to be rid of the nightmares.
Sunday, November 29
Everyone noticed my excessive yawning at breakfast. Alfred asked me afterwards if I'd like to have sleeping pills. Although the intention was good, I declined. There was no need to waste sleeping pills on a teenager who's had recurring nightmares for years. Besides, I'd tried sleeping pills in the beginning. All they did was keep me asleep during my nightmares when I would usually wake up, causing them to get worse and longer.
Yeah. Not happening.
For the first half of the day, I hung out with Dick and Tim, but even they had friends outside the family, and I was soon left alone. I slumped on the couch, bored out of my mind. I sang random songs horribly out of tune while trying not to fall asleep; nightmares once every day was enough, thank you.
It was like this that Alfred found me.
"You wouldn't happen to have something for me to do, would you?" I asked hopefully. I'd even take doing the laundry.
Alfred shook his head as he straightened the stack of DVDs on the table. "Perhaps you should go walk around the city. It would be a good idea to get some fresh air. It might help you sleep better."
I knew it wouldn't, but I smiled anyway. "Alright. Maybe I'll go to the mall."
But I didn't want to go alone. I didn't know why, but I wanted to be around people today. The Batfamily was out. There was no way Jason would come with me. So that left Jasmine.
ELLE: Hey, do you wanna hang out?
JASMINE: Sure! Where at?
ELLE: Mall okay?
JASMINE: Alright I'll be there in twenty minutes. Meet at the food court?
ELLE: Sounds good.
I grabbed my purse, said goodbye to Alfred, and headed to the mall. I was a little late, but Jasmine was still there when I arrived. She waved.
"How was your Thanksgiving?" I asked.
"It was great! My abuela – my grandmother – came to visit," Jasmine grinned. We started walking aimlessly. "I haven't seen her in years!"
"Why?"
"Money, mostly." Jasmine waved at a couple classmates that we passed. "Plus, she and my grandfather are very against coming here to America. They want to stay in the homeland."
"Oh, were you born in the Dominican Republic?" I led us into a music store. We both started browsing CDs.
"No, only my brother was. I was born right here in Gotham. What about you?"
I shrugged. "Some small town you've probably never heard of." I picked up a CD and pretended to express great interest in the soundtrack.
"Do you have any siblings?" Jasmine grinned. "I mean, besides Tim and whoever Bruce Wayne's other kids are?"
I swallowed a lump in my throat. Why did it suddenly feel cold? "I, uh, had a brother. Older."
Jasmine frowned. "Had?" A pause. "What…what happened?"
"I'm sorry, miss, but you can't –"
"But they're my family! Let me go! They're alright, they have to be alright!"
"There…there were no survivors."
"But I never got to say I'm sorry! I never got to say –"
"Elle?"
I blinked. "Y-yeah?"
"You…kind of spaced there for a second. Are you alright?"
Embarrassed, I turned away. "Sorry. Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." I blinked back tears. No way was I going to cry about this in front of Jasmine. Or anywhere in public. I'd cried enough this year. I'd let enough people see me cry. I had to be strong.
But why had I just…had a flashback like that? I hadn't had serious flashbacks while awake since right after the accident. Nightmares, sure. But flashbacks? Maybe I should take Alfred up on the sleeping pills offer.
The rest of the mall trip went without a hitch. I bought a book and a hat but that was it. I was back at the Manor with plenty of time before dinner. I even helped cook. But dinner itself was short so that Tim and Dick could go patrolling. Bruce went to bed early since he had an early meeting the next morning that he couldn't miss.
It still surprised me that Bruce did, well, Bruce-y stuff and slept like a normal person.
I, on the other hand, didn't sleep. I quickly had another nightmare. I tried to get back to sleep on my own, but the darkness crept around me, smothering me, killing me. I was scared. I wanted to go over to Tim's room, but he was still out in the city as Robin. But staying in my room was killing me. I felt my over exhausted mind going crazy. I needed to get out. I needed to ground myself, somehow.
I grabbed my pillow and snuck downstairs. I sat on the couch, clutching the pillow to my body. I sobbed my heart out, convinced that no one could hear me. I hid my head in the pillow and rocked back and forth. The pillow didn't help ground me very much, and it was still dark, just more open. I needed to calm myself, get ahold of myself, before I got any worse.
"Hush little baby, don't say a word. M-mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird," I sang quietly, pitifully, sorrowfully to myself between sniffs and sobs, not even sure if that was the beginning of the song or even the right lyrics. "I-if that mocking bird won't sing…" What came next? "M-mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring." I hugged the pillow tighter. "If that diamond ring turns brass, Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass."
I stiffened when I felt a hand on my back. I glanced back fearfully, guiltily, shamefully. Bruce stood there with a flashlight. I blinked in the sudden light, waiting for my eyes to adjust a bit. I was suddenly aware of how crazy I must look to him. Sobbing, holding a pillow, singing a lullaby to herself…I was probably just as crazy as some of the people in Arkham.
"Do you…need to talk?" Bruce asked.
I faced away from him and hid my face in the pillow. I shivered, suddenly reminded that it was November. A light blanket was draped over me. The couch dipped as Bruce sat.
"I'm s-sorry for w-waking you," I murmured, trying to keep my voice steady. "I'll be quiet now. I promise."
Bruce was silent for a minute. When he spoke, he was quiet.
"I had nightmares when my parents died, too," he said. "It helped to talk to Alfred about them. But, you know, you can … talk to me …"
I almost smiled at how awkward and unsure he sounded. Almost.
Instead, I stayed quiet. So did Bruce. It was driving me crazy. Trying to keep my sadness at bay was making me feel ready to explode. I was frozen to my seat, and Bruce wasn't leaving. Eventually, I cracked. I sobbed my heart out. Bruce held me close.
I couldn't talk about the nightmares, yet. I didn't know if I ever would. But there was one thing that had stuck with me all these years, something that had come up today when I was at the mall earlier today.
"But I never got to say I'm sorry! I never got to say –"
"I never got to say goodbye."
