Title: "Careful With What You Wish - Chap 28: Crawling In
The Dark"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an
AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It requires knowledge of the 'X'
manga. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the
bottom), some OOC, a bit of sappiness, twisted relationships, suicide
attempts, mentions of abuse, violence, general insanity and other
stuffs I might have forgot... Deal with this fic with
caution...
Notes: This is dark and twisted, dark and
twisted, dark and twisted... have I mentioned it's dark and twisted?
It's born to show a less nice Seishiro, how bad is Fuma's idea that
Wishes must be fulfilled and how stubborn can be Subaru no matter
what happened to him.
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo
Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm
merely using their characters because I love them... especially
Seishiro and Subaru...
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own
the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me
harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Thanks:
To
Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
To Moko,
Tanuki-dono, Meffie, Sakanagi and Yupita
for supporting me while writing this fic! Thank you a lot!
Summary:
After meeting Subaru in his Maboroshi 16 years ago Seishiro chose
to keep him and placed him under a spell so that he would obey to
him. Now, in the year of the destiny he has to face Sumeragi Hokuto
who wants her brother back and Monou Fuma's obsession for fulfilling
wishes...
'We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.' Andy Rooney
"Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been
crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something
more than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer."
(Hoobastank - "Crawling In The
Dark")
Maybe going out with Seishiro-san and Sumeragi-san didn't necessary mean speeding up the end of the world but, in Subaru's opinion, it was dangerously close to it. Subaru had lost count of all their arguments, minor and major, all had with a cheerful smile on their lips and a heavily sarcastic tone, that clearly implied they couldn't stand each other. They had started arguing even before setting a foot out of the house, when Seishiro-san had said he wanted to have his shower with Subaru and Sumeragi-san had 'sweetly' pointed out that Subaru wasn't Seishiro-san's rubber duckie and that Subaru would wait for him. Seishiro-san had stubbornly wrapped his arms around him, refusing to let him go. Subaru had wondered if he couldn't just go back to sleep and ignore them since it apparently didn't occur to them to ask for his opinion on the matter and Subaru really didn't feel like keeping Seishiro-san company in the shower, anywhere else but the shower... or the bathtub for the matter. After some more 'talking' (and likely finally understanding that, after what had happened to him, Subaru wasn't really feeling ready to be naked around anyone, no matter if this someone was Seishiro-san) Seishiro-san had decided his shower could wait until after their shopping trip, since he had nothing clean to wear anyway. He wasn't very pleased, now that he had Subaru's back he definitely felt the need for a shower, but he gave in graciously. Sumeragi-san commented about it not being hygienic and he suggested she wait here for their return if she was so worried about hygiene. Sumeragi-san, of course, hadn't bothered considering that option.
From that moment on it was all a constant arguing over any decision, no matter how insignificant.
Subaru wondered what he had done wrong in his life as he found himself walking trapped between the two of them, Seishiro-san keeping his arm around Subaru's shoulders and Sumeragi-san having wrapped both her arms around Subaru's. If Subaru were to be honest with himself he would have admitted it wasn't a bad feeling to be with them both, only he couldn't stand the noise their constant arguing was causing. To be honest he couldn't stand the noise or the too bright light or the too garish colours or the feeling of being touched, whether by a person or by an object. He should have never agreed to go on this shopping tour, once he had awakened, never claimed he was fine and therefore they had nothing to worry about. Right then... even his own clothes felt weird on his skin, yet... he wanted to be touched, to be held close by Seishiro-san, to be treated with care by Sumeragi-san and yet... He couldn't explain it, it was just as if every time it happened it was... too much as if each of his feelings was amplified somehow. Even Seishiro-san's breakfast had felt weird... as if the food all of sudden had too strong a taste. All that excessive sensitivity was tiring him and... it hurt.
All of sudden he realized he didn't want to go to shopping, he wanted to go back to bed and curl up next to Seishiro-san and he couldn't find a reason for why he had agreed to come in the first place. He wanted to please Seishiro-san, of course but... but it wouldn't have been the end of the world if they had waited a day at least before going shopping, would it? However he couldn't understand why he felt like that... before his feelings had never mattered much... so why did he now felt he overpowering need... to yell at the whole world he wanted to go back?
His two companions seemed to sense there was something wrong with him but they didn't know how to help and their concern for him only made Subaru feel worse, their concern turning into another thing he had no idea how to deal with and that was getting oppressive.
It was then he felt it.
He froze as the ground started to tremble slightly and raised his gaze.
"Kazuki-san is here," Subaru informed the others as he stopped walking and stared at Kazuki-san's figure standing on the top of a building. He heard Seishiro-san cursing and muttering about the unfairness of having Kazuki-san devastating that place while they were in it as he dragged Subaru closer to him and put up a Kekkai to shield them from the results of the earthquake.(1) Subaru also felt Sumeragi-san gripping his arm even tighter as if afraid she would lose him, her nails unconsciously pressing against his skin through the clothes he was wearing.
Subaru felt strangely numb, unable to think about the consequences the earthquake was going to have around them, the notions that Seishiro-san's Kekkai was strong enough to keep them safe and that there wasn't time enough to save anyone else echoing in his head creating an unpleasant dissonance, as all he could do was merely stare at the escaping form of Kazuki-san.
As the earthquake stopped and he was left to face the devastation it had caused he staggered, feeling nauseous, his head beginning to pound. Seishiro-san caught him and asked him how he was feeling and Subaru stammered something he hoped was reassuring as a voice inside him was now screaming 'you should have done something' but he had grown so used to just watching he had no clear idea of what he could do when the danger didn't threaten Seishiro-san. Sumeragi-san looked at him concerned then turned when two other figures on the top of another building called her. She waved back and the two jumped down easily from the roof and joined them.
Subaru had vaguely sensed their presence before, when he had spotted Kazuki-san.(2) They were Ten no Ryu and, if he remembered correctly, they had been previously introduced to him as Aoki Seiichiro-san and Kasumi Karen-san, even if at the time Subaru had been too out of it to pay to them any real attention.
Someone must have informed them of the... latest developments because they recognized Seishiro-san for what he was, but merely behaved politely toward him even if with a hint of wariness. Seishiro-san acted politely as well, until he noticed Subaru staring at Karen-san.
"Subaru-kun. You're staring," he pointed out annoyed. Subaru-kun had never showed much interest for women, in fact he had never showed much interest for anyone who wasn't Seishiro, but that didn't change the fact that Seishiro wanted to be the only one whom Subaru-kun stared at. Plus he knew that Hokuto-chan had noticed it as well and was about to open her mouth to make some comments she would do better to keep to herself if she enjoyed breathing.
"Kazuki-san was staring at her," the boy offered as an explanation. Seishiro didn't feel particularly pleased with this explanation but it was better than hearing Subaru-kun had developed a sudden interest in buxom women. Subaru-kun liked to try to understand people and help them if he could. If his interest in Karen-san was merely due to the fact that he was curious to know why Kamui's pet was interested in the woman, he could deal with it. After all, it was something worth pondering. Kamui's pet had never shown interest in any other being besides the Chi no Ryu's Kamui. However Seishiro doubted Kamui would care much about his pet or where its interest lay.(3)
"Kazuki-san?" the woman asked in a gentle tone, looking at Subaru-kun with an expression that mixed curiosity and interest. She had something... motherly in her whole attitude, a certain confidence and a hint of sadness. However she didn't seem to be sexually interested in Subaru-kun and that was all that mattered to Seishiro.
"Kazuki-san. He blew up this place," Subaru-kun clarified but, as he talked, he instinctively shrunk closer to Seishiro, as if afraid the woman would try to reach for him. Subaru-kun had never been comfortable around people and, after being parted from Seishiro, it seemed he was even less if possible. Seishiro wrapped his arm tighter around him, protectively. He didn't sense any danger from that woman but if Subaru-kun wanted comfort and protection he could easily offer them to him. Hokuto-chan's annoyed face, as she noticed that Subaru-kun preferred to turn to him for protection instead of her, was an added bonus but he made sure to hide his grin, burying his face in Subaru-kun's fine dark hair.
"Do you know him?" Karen-san gently asked Subaru-kun, keeping her distance as if sensing his discomfort. She seemed to be a perceptive woman who, unlike from Hokuto-chan, had a sense of elegance. Pretty, even if not as much as his mother had been, Seishiro observed, paying her the same attention he would have given to a piece of furniture. Never let be said that he didn't appreciate beauty. He merely didn't care for the life that generated it, for the person who owned that beauty. Should Karen-san drop dead at that moment he would merely kick her aside and continue his walk toward a shopping centre.
"He's a Chi no Ryu," Subaru-kun replied in the meantime as if that explained everything but Subaru-kun had never been much of a talker...
"More exactly it's Kamui's pet and only Kamui calls it 'Kazuki'. For the others it is Nataku," Seishiro clarified, fearing the woman wouldn't let them go until she got more information. By the way, why should Subaru-kun use the pet name Kamui gave to Nataku? Had he missed something in the relationship between the two? He frowned as he turned to look at Subaru-kun as if trying to read what was in his mind.
"He says he prefers to be called 'Kazuki'," Subaru-kun replied simply in answer to his gaze.
"It's a bioroid, Subaru-kun. It doesn't have a sex. It's not even a real person with a real life or real tastes," Seishiro insisted cynically. "Just Kamui's pet." Hokuto-chan made some comment about him being an insensitive jerk but he didn't really pay much attention to her. After all he had already told her that he didn't care at all about her opinion. The only one who mattered to him was Subaru-kun.
"He loves Kamui," the boy stated. "If someone loves someone else, he has feelings. If he has feelings, he's alive," Subaru-kun reasoned looking at Seishiro as if searching for confirmation. It was unusual for Subaru-kun to defend someone against Seishiro's pronouncement, however he didn't seem all that interested in Kamui's pet, he was merely being nice and caring as he was with everyone.
"If you say so, Subaru-kun," Seishiro conceded, stroking his hair. As long as Subaru-kun left Kamui's pet to Kamui he could wonder about it all he wanted. Well... possibly not too much. Karen-san smiled gently at Subaru-kun with a look that clearly implied she wanted more information. Seishiro wanted to groan in annoyance. She was wasting his time.
"Subaru-san... did you talk to Kazuki?" Karen asked Subaru-san in the kindest way she could, aware of the boy's discomfort. She didn't want to scare him or push him too much. It was already amazing that he was out of his room and talking. The effect the Sakurazukamori's presence had on him was astonishing. Evidently he must share a very close bond with him and from the way they both behaved it wasn't one-sided.
"Sometimes," Subaru-san replied uneasily. "He doesn't talk much. He doesn't know he's alive," he added and there was a sadness in his voice that touched her too. Despite everything Subaru-san must have a caring soul as his sister had told them. How such a caring soul could long for someone like the Sakurazukamori, who not only was a killer but also behaved like a spoiled child that only cared for his own interests, was a miracle only love could create.
"I've talked with him once and he said something weird to me," Karen continued. She could still see Kazuki lying on the ground, looking up at her as she talked to him.
'You don't want to die, right? And all the people who were crushed under the train you destroyed thought the same. That's why you shouldn't do such things anymore...'
'Why do they not want to die? I don't have such emotions...'
'... How odd. You appear to be just like a little kid. You are alive, aren't you? There are no living things without emotion, you only think that is so.'(4)
"Subaru-san... do you know why he's... doing this?" she asked then, referring to the destruction around them. She wanted to help Kazuki. Somehow she felt a bond with the youth. Almost a motherly feeling. Kazuki's eyes were filled with the same pain and loneliness that hers had and she couldn't help but wish she could help him. Subaru-san, that quiet young man who also had so much pain and loneliness in his eyes and such a strong attachment to a Chi no Ryu, seemed to be able to know and care about Kazuki too. If there was someone who could help her help Kazuki, it was him. He seemed to be the only one who could understand her in this. The other Ten no Ryu... and Aoki-san too... seemed to fail to grasp how Kazuki needed help.
"Kamui probably asked him to," Subaru-san replied quietly in answer to her question.
"Just that?" she asked confused. Just because another person had asked him, he would cause that much destruction? Was he really so much like a child, so easy to influence? Hokuto-chan and Aoki-san showed a similar surprised reaction. Only Sakurazuka-san seemed unaffected by Subaru-san's answer.
"Kazuki-san's Wish is to be with Kamui. That's his way to be with him," Subaru-san explained uneasily. Karen noticed his discomfort.
"You don't approve," she tried to guess. Subaru-san frowned.
"Kamui isn't the one Kazuki-san truly Wishes to be with. Kazuki-san Wishes to be with his father, Kamui is merely pretending to be him," he explained. Subaru would be okay with it if Kazuki-san was doing it for the person he wished to be with. He would do everything to make Seishiro-san happy. He could understand doing everything for the person you cared about the most. But that... was self deception. It would never bring true happiness to Kazuki-san... only advantages to the Chi no Ryu's cause. "Kazuki-san identifies Kamui with his father but... he's not. It's... a lie, an illusion. It's a twisted way to fulfil his Wish and it's not fair... I don't like Kamui's way of fulfilling Wishes... it's... dangerous..." the boy continued unconsciously wrapping his arms around himself. Seishiro wrapped both his arms protectively around him. Before he had underestimated Kamui's obsession for fulfilling Wishes but after what the teenager had done to Subaru-kun he wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Soon he would personally castrate the brat and make him swallow his balls. Then he would proceed to rip him into tiny little pieces. Slowly. Then... then he didn't know but whatever he would do he would make sure it would be painful.
"Subaru-san..." the woman continued. "There's no way to explain this to Kazuki? To separate him from Kamui?" she asked. Seishiro wondered why she cared. Probably because it would help the Ten no Ryu's cause and yet... it seemed there was something more personal only... it wasn't physical attraction, he was sure of this. Her interest for Kamui's pet looked more like the way Hokuto-chan fussed over his Subaru-kun... If the woman felt some physical attraction, it was all for the quiet-looking guy she was with, who, apparently, was already married. Oh well, her problem, not his.
Subaru shook his head.
"False Wish or not, it's still what Kazuki-san believes is his Wish. Having it fulfilled is the only thing that gives him the sensation of being happy. He won't give up the only thing he has. Yet... he looked at you. I wonder why. Before he had never been able to relate to anyone else besides Kamui," he admitted. Subaru had tried to make friends with Kazuki-san. Kazuki-san looked... lonely. He hadn't been able to. Kazuki-san hadn't understood why he was talking to him. He just... didn't know how to relate and Kamui did nothing to help him with that. It didn't help that Subaru was also very bad at dealing with others. "Maybe you'll be able to help him," he offered.
Kasumi Karen-san stared at him and Subaru had the impression that this woman, this woman whom Kazuki-san had looked at with such a longing expression, cared for Kazuki-san and would find a way to help him and he was glad for it.
He felt Seishiro-san's hug tightening around him and he leaned into the man's embrace, wishing for a moment that he too could be helped, wishing for a moment he could stay in Seishiro-san's embrace forever. All that talking had worn him out and his headache and sense of nausea were coming back full force. He sighed. Somehow he doubted it was possible for him to be helped, to remain with Seishiro-san forever. It didn't matter. He had made his decision long ago. No one would stop him from going through with it, not even the Chi no Ryu's Kamui.
To be continued...
JJ's Notes:
1. Of course Seishiro didn't raise a Ten no Ryu's Kekkai. Just a banal, small Kekkai created with an Onmyoudo spell.
2. I'm assuming Ten no Ryu can sense each other's presence. In Subaru's over-sensitive state he could felt them even better than a normal Ten no Ryu could.
3. While Subaru was missing Nataku and Karen had a fight. Karen won, Yuto came to help Nataku and Aoki to help Karen so they called it a draw. Anyway, during the battle Karen and Nataku exchanged some words and kind of developed some sort of mother/son bond.
4. Kasumi Karen and Nataku from 'X' Vol. 13.
JJ's Extra Notes:
While this chapter is important for
the plot development it's definitely not one of my favourites.
Subaru's rather hard to deal with at the moment and Karen... to my
shame I've to say I'm not that used to portraying her.
Oh, for
who's wondering why Subaru didn't raise a Kekkai... even if the spell
is broken he's not yet used to being free of any control and to
dealing with his own instincts.
Dictionary:
-chan:
Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with
a child
-kun: Young
-san: "Mr." or
"Mrs."
Chi no Ryu: Dragon of Earth
Kekkai:
Shield
Maboroshi: Illusion
Neechan: "Sister"
or "Older Girl"
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and
Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying
the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the
Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also
represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of
nature
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The
ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian
of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses
Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan
Ten no Ryu: Dragon
of Heaven
Replies to reviews:
To Everyone who reviewed: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!
To Lemonysh: Hokuto and Seishiro needed to find a way to... kind of get along... Well, yes, a storm is coming but there's still a little bit of time...
To Francesca Akira89: Well, since this fic is in the English sector I thought it was fair to use that language so everyone would understand. Hokuto hadn't fully got yet how much Subaru loves Seishiro. She grew up believing the Sakurazukamori a villain unworth of anyone's love. She need's time to adjust to this new reality. And yes, Subaru's the only one who can raise a Kekkai...
To ryuu: I'm glad you liked the previous chapter. Sadly there's still a long way to the ending...
To Sessho:) Slowly Subaru will learn to get a will of his own. He still needs to adjust to have a free will first. Subaru's bound to have some sort of bond with Kamui and Seishiro... well he's growing up!
To Hatori Soma: Sorry for the long wait but here there's the new chapter!
To Chocolate-980: LOL Poor Seishiro!
To rain angst: Seishiro and Hokuto will have a temporary truce, even if only to please Subaru. LOL Seishiro should have let Subaru take more confidence, shouldn't he?
To recipe for insanity: I'm glad you too think they both were feeling lonely that day! I fear the real problem lies in the fact Seishiro needed to learn to make the right wish... getting himself killed by his beloved wasn't a smart choice in my opinion. I'll try to keep everything updated but sadly I've lot less free time out of late... :(
To RoxasIsReal13: I'm glad you liked this fic!
To Firehedgehog: Even if it took quite a while here there's the continuation.
To SpiritKitsune: (blush) thank you! I'm glad you like how Sei&Su are characterized. I'm sorry for the long wait but here tehre's the new chapter.
Don't grumble silently,
please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your
comments!
