I got a sudden burst of inspiration today. You always see Alfred-or in this case read about him-smiling when he's amused. You never really see Alfred Pennyworth, English gentleman, laughing. This has always been an issue for me. Everyone laughs at some point. Everyone. I think that this would be an issue for Dick and Abs, since they are the king and queen of mad cackling. This is how they try and get Alfred to laugh. Will it work?
Dick and Abigail were helping Alfred clean the dishes. You might think this is weird since he was their butler, but they both loved it. Besides, Alfred couldn't really tell them that he didn't want help. I mean, how weird would that be? The three had been talking about trivial things. Missions, school. Richard teased his sister by asking when she and Mac were going to just get it over with and make out already. Abigail blushed furiously and looked away. Alfred just smiled and shook his head. "Why do you do that?"
"Do what, Master Richard?" The old butler asked.
"You always smile and shake your head when something's funny, but you never laugh." Dick explained.
"Is it even possible for you to laugh?" Abigail asked with total seriousness.
"Abs, everyone laughs."
"Have you ever heard Alfie laugh? 'Cause I sure haven't."
Alfred just stared at the two in bemusement. "You two are without a doubt the strangest children I have ever had the pleasure of taking care of." Alfred told his younger charges.
Abigail beamed. She leaned toward the living room and yelled, "Hear that, Bruce? Alfred said We're his favorites!"
From the other room, Bruce replied, "I believe he said you were strange, not that you were his favorites." You could hear the smile in the billionaire's voice.
"It was implied!" The two Graysons shouted back in unison. They looked at each other and laughed.
Later that night, Abigail and her brother lay on her bed talking. "You can't do it," she told him.
"Watch me." He replied, oozing confidence. Dick had never met a challenge he could over come. Abigail shook her head. "I am telling you, Dick, it isn't possible. There is no way it could ever happen."
"And I am telling you it is going to happen. Just watch. Someday, I will be able to sneak up on Bruce." (Ha. You probably thought I was talking about making Alfred laugh. Not yet.)
"Now. About what we were talking about earlier," Dick continued.
"You mean about Alfred and his incapability of laughing?" Dick nodded. "What about it?"
"I think we should do it." Abigail looked at her brother in confusion. Dick rolled his eyes. "Come on. It can't be that hard to make Alfred laugh. Everybody laughs. It's human. Alfred is human."
"That, my dear brother has yet to be proven," Abigail retorted. "I have never seen any human clean as fast as old Alfie does."
_THE NEXT DAY_
Richard had been following Alfred around all day long. The elderly man loved the boy like his grandson, but this was getting tedious. He was talking non-stop about nothing in particular. He would tell these silly jokes and riddles. Alfred would smile and nod his head. He tried t get rid of the boy, but the young master wasn't having it.
Abigail came down the stairs and Alfred had never been so happy to see the girl. "Miss Abigail. Might you take your brother along for whatever it is you are about to do?" The butler couldn't keep the pleading tone out of his voice. Abigail raised her eyebrow at her frantic butler and the maniacal glint in her big brother's eye. "I was getting ready to go out with Mac, but I am sure he won't mind doubling." Alfred nodded gratefully.
Abigail pulled out her cell phone and called Richard's girlfriend Zatanna. Then, she called her boyfriend and told him the change in plans. When she had hung up, there was a bang, and a puff of smoke. Standing in the middle of said puff, was Miss Zatanna Zatara. She gave Abigail a quick hug and sent an accusatory look her boyfriend's way. "Dick," Zatanna started. "Why have you been torturing your sweet butler?"
"I don't know what you are talking about Zee. You look great, though." Richard walked over and hugged Zatanna. She smiled and rolled her eyes.
"Your sister called and told me all about it. So what if Alfred doesn't laugh? Leave the poor man alone. Hi Alfred." Zatanna added as she pulled away from Richard.
"Good afternoon Miss Zatanna." Alfred said, inclining his head slightly. The girls went upstairs and Richard stayed where he was.
Abigail leaned over the banister. "Dick, Zee is going to help me get ready. So help me, if you bother Alfred anymore, I am telling Bruce where you really were last week. Richard's eyes widened in terror. Alfred smirked. That should keep the boy out of his hair. Of course, Alfred knew what his youngest charge was talking about. He was Alfred after all. He knew even more than Bruce/Batman. Last week, the boy had told Bruce that he was staying a few days at Wally's house. He said he needed to get away from his sister for a bit. Normally, that would have raised suspicion, since the two hardly ever fought and were nearly inseparable. That week, they had been fighting a lot. The slightest things would set Abigail off. It had been that time of the month again. For the most part, Abigail was pretty good at not PMSing. That week, not so much.
Alfred later found out that Richard had really gone to the cave to be with his girlfriend. It was empty, because the team was all doing various activities that left it available for a certain couple to be completely alone. Alfred knew that Richard wouldn't do anything, but Bruce on the other hand. . . . he wasn't worried so much about Richard as he was about the little magician. Bruce didn't think Richard was able to 'control his hormones' whenever the beautiful young girl was around. Which was true. Richard would blush a lot when she was around, or try and fix his hair, or some other nervous tick.
For an hour, the girls were upstairs. Alfred had peace. Richard was. . . . the Englishman didn't really know where the boy was, but at the moment, he didn't much care. The young man was out of his hair, and that was all that mattered. The old butler reached for his feather duster when he realized it was gone. Then, he heard it. The cackle. . . . .oh how well he knew the horrors that came after that cackle. "Oh dear," Alfred said. Next thing he knew, the young boy was attacking him with a feather duster. (Yeah, I know. Tots cliche, but I liked the idea, so no judging!)
Abigail had decided to wear her black skinny jeans and the purple sweater that Zee had bought her for her birthday. *It really looks great on her.* Zee thought to herself. The young magician laughed as the younger girl struggled to get her hair untangled. "Are you sure that you don't want me to help?" Zee asked for the third time. Just when Abigail was about to give in, they heard a strangled cry from downstairs. Abigail forgot her hair and ran to the door. "Dick,"
Zee heard the young girl mutter. They went downstairs and saw an odd sight. Dick, on top of the old butler. . . . tickling him?
Abigail face-palmed. "Oh, tell me he isn't doing this, Zee. Please." Zee just looked down at the struggle and couldn't help it. She laughed. Abigail looked at her friend in shock. "Zatanna." Then, she looked back to her brother on top of the old man and started to laugh to. They both leaned against the wall, trying not to fall over, when they heard a knock at the door. "Miss Abigail, could you please-"
"Don't-don't worry, Alf. I got it." Abigail managed through her laughter. She made her way to the door and heard Alfred say, "That isn't what I was going to say. Miss Zatanna, Please." Zee couldn't help the man out. She was laughing too hard. Dick continued his reign of terror. Abigail came back into the room with her bf and her father. Oh this was going to be great.
"Richard Grayson-Wayne!" Dick looked up to see the group watching him.
"H-Hey, Bruce. You're home early."
Bruce looked red in the face. "Alfred didn't answer the phone when I called. I thought something might be wrong, so I came home. What are you doing?"
Dick quickly got up off of Alfred and stood up, back straight, shoulders squared. "Um. . . . .well, it's funny you should ask-"
Alfred's face was red. He stood up, straightened his uniform and addressed his master. "Master Bruce, if I may."
"Of course, Alfred."
"This-this delinquent had subjected me to ridiculous jokes and babble and incessant chattering, the likes of which would put monkeys to shame. Further more, he-he tickled me, Master Bruce. I have never felt so violated my entire life."
Bruce was struck dumb. He had no idea how to respond to this. He was about to ask questions, but Alfred wasn't done. He would have his revenge. "And there is one other thing that you should know."
"Yes, Alfred?" The butler looked at Dick and the boy's eyes widened in sheer terror. "Alfred, don't. I'm sorry. Please, don't-"
"Last week when Master Richard told us he would be staying with Master Wallace, he really went to the cave to be with the young Miss Zatanna."
Bruce looked over to the wall where the girl in question was, but all that was left was a column of smoke. Alfred could tell that Bruce was furious. He smiled and walked away. Revenge was his. As he walked out of the room, he heard Bruce yelling, "You spent three days at the cave alone with your girlfriend? Richard, you are grounded for a month!"
Alfred turned to see Abigail and her boyfriend holding hands laughing, and Richard, pale-faced and pleading. "Come on, Bruce! I never get to be alone with her! You always make me take Abs along!"
Abigail stopped laughing. "Hey, I thought you said that you didn't mind taking me along! Since when did I become a nuisance?" Richard blanched as he turned to his sister. He tried to explain that that wasn't how he had meant it. Abigail cut him off, "Then just what did you mean? Hmmmm?"
Alfred couldn't help it. He tried to hold it in. *This is not dignified.* Then, he thought, *Oh, who cares about being dignified?* The old butler laughed. He let it out so loud that everyone jumped and stared at him, but he didn't really care. This was hilarious. Richard was in trouble with not only Bruce, but his sister as well. He would most likely end up having to apologize a dozen times to her, even though she nearly always forgave him after the first two. Richard looked so flustered that Alfred just couldn't hold it in. After a few minutes, Alfred collected himself, picked up his feather duster, and went about his chores about the house.
As he went into the other room, he heard Richard say, "That was totally-"
"-and completely asterous!" Abigail finished. "You did it! He laughed."
Richard laughed, "Bruce, please, please tell me that we have that on video!" Alfred shook his head. They wouldn't have it on video for much longer, if he had anything to say about it. He couldn't let it get around that he, Alfred, had actually laughed. It would be a scandal he could never live down. . . . and yet. . . .maybe it wasn't so bad. Just this once.
