Chapter 28

Victoria was tucked in bed propped on pillows, and continued to feel some pain.

The baby, already cleaned and dressed, and after being fed by the wet nurse, was brought to her mother's lap.

She was not sure how to hold her newborn daughter, but did the best her instinct dictated. For all the associated fears, she had been reluctant to the pregnancy, and had felt like jumping in the dark in that experience of being a mother, but now she was there with a baby in her arms that she would have to care for and educate. Fortunately, her loving husband would do that with her.

William went to sit on the bed next to Victoria. He was delighted looking at the baby he caressed in the hands and face.

"I'm so happy, my dear, to have you with me and this baby!" He said kissing her forehead.

"Did you really think I'd let George be king?" She asked.

He laughed.

"She's so beautiful, my love, just like you!" William exclaimed.

"Deep down didn't you prefer a boy?"

"No. I could never enjoy having a daughter... This girl is a treasure..."

"Maybe next time it'll be a boy."

William was surprised by the possibility of another baby coming from her with this naturalness. He said:

"Maybe... But that doesn't matter."

They were both silent observing that little pink being.

Victoria had always thought that newborn babies weren't pretty, and that they looked a little slippery, but there was something about this baby that was special... Seeing that the baby's little tuff of hair turned dark, she observed:

"I think she has your hair because I had blond hair when I was little."

"But we should call her Victoria, like a great queen!" William suggested.

"No, I have another suggestion."

"What is it?"

"Alice..."

William looked at her and smiled.

"You told me once that you really like the name Alice." She explained.

"If my first daughter had survived, she would have been called Alice."

"Then she will be Alice."

"Can it be Alice Victoria?" He proposed instead.

"If you like it, then so shall be it!"

They continued to watch the sleeping baby. It was not yet possible to see the color of her eyes, which had looked grayish after the birth. They should be light like her parents', blue or green... Now there was a sense of relief for both of them, a feeling that all concern had already passed.

"We mated at the same time as the rooks, and I think she was conceived in a bird cage." Victoria said smiling.

"Most likely…"

"I'm sleepy." She informed.

"Sleep then, my love. I'll take the baby."

William kissed Victoria's forehead, picked Alice up, and moved to leave the room.

As she closed her eyes to fall asleep Victoria still saw how naturally he did it, how good he was at holding the baby...

After leaving Alice in the nursery, William was in the hallway when he heard someone call behind him:

"William!"

Recognizing the familiar voice at once, he turned around:

"Emma..."

She approached him smiling and remarked:

"I see you are happy!"

"Very happy, Emma, but do not ask me to explain how or even to measure how..."

She smiled deeper and said:

"I wanted to congratulate you! I think that now you have achieved everything you need to feel fulfilled and peaceful..."

"It's true Emma! I do not think I have ever thanked you enough for all the help you gave us whenever it was needed, and that allowed us to get here..."

"You know you do not need to thank me. You know that you have always had a devoted person in me, and that I am happy if I can see you happy..."

William smiled. He knew that it was so.

Emma moved closer to him, stretched out a little and kissed him on the right cheek. Then she walked away quickly, but he still noticed that she held tears in her eyes.

Only Emma could have done that...

Once alone in the study, seated at his desk, after all those hours of tension and anticipation, William felt himself decompress. Although it was necessary to wait for the evolution of the baby and the mother in the coming days and months, the most difficult and dangerous moment had already passed. The martyrdom of pain for her was already overcame, and Victoria had done very well. And the fear of death in birth of any of his two most important beings no longer existed. He had kept that pose of strength and calm when she needed it, but now it seemed that all the repressed fear was pouring out of him.

He remembered the past: Caro, Augustus, the newborn daughter who had passed away... From the interval of time in his life between the loss of all of them and the appearance of Victoria. The time between her entrance into his life and the arrival of Albert. In those afflicting days with the prince's presence in which he thought she would propose to him... And then the earth had swayed beneath his feet the day she informed him that she wouldn't marry Albert! And some time later the world had turned, the day he had allowed himself to be a man, instead of just being the statesman, and he had possessed her for the first time in Brocket Hall! From then on he had lived in earthly paradise! And today their daughter had been born... And even now there had been Emma's words in the hall... He needed no more!

William rested his elbows on the desk, put his hands on the face and allowed himself to cry until all the tears had dried.

Late in the afternoon, reclining on the bed, Victoria thought of the latest occurrence of her life. Besides the fear of death and the pain that had to be endured, she thought that childbirth was a disgusting thing. She had felt like a cow calving in a stable! Exhausted in fluids and blood, a queen was equal to an indigent. There was no dignity in that brutal act! The embarrassment of exposing herself to the gaze of people outside her intimacy who peered into her body...

But now she felt free from that agony. The months of discomfort with pregnancy, the anticipated terror of childbirth, and the pain and humiliation of the moment! And now she could return to William's arms as a woman! In spite of the pain she felt, she could tell that her body missed him! It had been too long since she had given herself and received... It was necessary to wait until the time of guard had passed, of course, but as soon as it was possible...

William entered the room.

Victoria smiled at him immediately.

He leaned back on the bed on her right side saying:

"I just came from the nursery! Our daughter sleeps peacefully."

Victoria grabbed his left hand and said:

"It was very important to have you here always with me..."

"I would never leave you."

"You managed to relax me, and then you gave me the strength I needed."

"You did very well, my love! If you think it better, I can sleep in another room today, or I can stay here in an armchair, just in case you need anything... You know how I have experience in sleeping in armchairs..."

Victoria frowned as he spoke and then said:

"Please William, sleep with me in our bed! I want to have you with me. And I think your back is no longer used to sleeping in armchairs..."

"I just don't want to hurt you..."

"You never hurt me, you wouldn't hurt me now... I would feel lost in this bed if you were not here."

He tucked a strand of hair behind her left ear and said:

"I'll be very careful then..."

In five days it would be Christmas day. But this year the holidays had always coincided with complicated times... On Victoria's birthday there was no party because she had just discovered she was pregnant and had nausea; now that it was Christmas she had just had a baby and had to stay in bed... Babies really were a limitation... She thought Christmas was a beautiful and magical time, and remembered the Christmas in Kensington. They didn't give her much freedom, and she was sent to her bedroom early, but she liked to watch the lit and decorated yew, and there were always some sweets and presents. Now that she was already grown-up and self-determined, she could stay for dinner as long as she wanted, and arrange the decoration and presents as she pleased. But not this year! There was a tree in the ballroom for the court's appreciation, and there would be presents and a dinner which she wouldn't attend.

William had to be present at dinner, where there would be relatives from both sides and members of the Court. Especially now that his integration into the role of the Queen's husband was evolving very favorably. He had to be a host at these events. But as soon as possible he left to be with Victoria.

He entered the room with his right hand behind his back and Victoria smiled, realizing immediately that he had brought her something.

Reaching out his arm as he came near her, he said:

"My gift... for you..."

Victoria grabbed the box William showed her and opened it as he sat on the bed on her right side.

She opened the box and, surprised, opened her mouth.

"Oh, William! It's beautiful!"

The gift was a large, gold bracelet, made up of several elaborated pieces linked together, ending in an oval medallion in which there was a miniature portrait of William. It was a type of jewelry common at the time, the kind of piece that allowed to carry the portrait of the groom, the husband or the children, a frequent gift among relatives, but Victoria still had none with her husband's portrait.

"When Alice grows up, I'll have a jewel for you with her picture done." Said William.

Victoria smiled, turned to him, put her left hand on his face and kissed him passionately.

"Thank you! I'm very happy with your gift. Even being bedridden I guarantee this is the best Christmas of my life, because it's the first one in which I have you as my husband. And we have our daughter..."

"I'm glad you liked the bracelet and I guarantee this is also my best Christmas! I had the best gifts I could wish for: Alice and you here by my side."

"But your gifts are not over yet." Victoria said. "I also have a gift for you!"

William looked at her intrigued.

"For me? How did you take care of that? I know, you had an assistant... Someone with whom you've been arranging things on my back..." He said laughing.

"You know we have good friends! Emma helped me, of course. But I had already placed the order some time ago, before the birth..."

"Order?"

"It's over there in the closet." Victoria said looking at the back of the room. "If you don't mind, you have to go get it, because they won't let me get out of bed."

William got up and went to the closet to get a box much bigger and heavier than the one he had brought Victoria.

"You'd better put it on the table." Victoria suggested.

William did as she said. He set the box on the table and opened it. Inside was a rare and beautiful desk set: a glass inkwell with a silver lid; an ink and pen holder, a fountain pen, a blotter, a spatula to open letters, a candle-holder and a matchbox holder, all in integral silver. The pieces were all decorated by an elaborated frieze. He picked up the spatula to open letters, and as he observed the pattern of the frieze on the handle, he returned to Victoria and sat down on the bed again.

"These are pansies!" He realized.

"It's not just you who knows the meaning of flowers..."

He realized that she was delivering a message, that the love she had for him would never be forgotten. That it was a powerful love, whose memories would remain in thought. He put the spatula on the bedside table and hugged her, letting the body slide on the bed to lie down next to her.

She realized that he had understood the meaning.

"You can always surprise me with such beautiful and meaningful gifts!" He exclaimed.

"I can say the same about you!"

They loved each other so deeply, the realization of their marriage had been so difficult, and their relationship had a deadline, in a way that all gifts they could give each other were the materialized expression of that feeling, and they would never be enough to demonstrate the full force of their mutual affection.

Victoria would have to stay in bed for two weeks. The baby was brought to her a few times a day.

When the baby was not with Victoria, William often went to the nursery to see Alice... Lehzen and the nurse found that constant presence a bit uncomfortable, but the Baroness struggled to understand it.

When he was not in the nursery, William spent hours keeping Victoria company. She felt completely moved by his attentions to her and to the baby. It wouldn't be possible to find a sweeter or more sensible caregiver. He would only leave her to have his meals, which they sometimes ended up sharing in the bedroom, or if it was inevitable for him to leave the palace.

The butler sent a footman to the nursery to advise His Highness that the Prime Minister and the Duke of Wellington were waiting for him in the study.

He wondered what Peel and Wellington would want from him as he moved to meet his old political adversaries with whom he had a polite relationship.

When he entered the office he noticed that there was concern in their countenances.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen... Please sit down." William said entering the office and greeting them affably.

The two men said a few words of circumstance as greetings, and sat down in front of William's desk as he settled into his chair.

William made a gesture with his hands and put on an expression of someone who expected them to speak.

"We came here because we think we might be in the eminence of a disaster..." Peel began.

"A disaster?" William asked, waiting for them to finish.

"Elphinstone gave the order to withdraw from Kabul, our troops must reach Jalalabad within a month..." Peel continued.

"In January the weather is very cold and throughout the Khyber Pass they will be in a single file, being very easy to ambush." Wellington added, in an opportunity to quickly demonstrate the reasons for the danger in that retreat.

"I'm afraid there is no alternative." Peel interjected. "Elphinstone believes that Kabul is indefensible. They have no choice! And there is guarantee of safe passage..."

"But I would not have faith in Afghan promises…" Wellington said.

William was apprehensive at that possibility. He said:

"I understand, gentlemen. And that perspective makes me very worried. But... why did you want to communicate this to me personally? I do not have political functions..."

"Her Majesty the Queen... The moment is delicate. We do not know if we should transmit this to her…" Peel finally explained.

William understood their problem. He gave them the solution:

"Well, I think the Queen should be informed of everything that goes on. She is not sick, she is not a child; she just had a baby... But you can rest assured that I myself will pass on this matter, ensuring that it is managed in the best way."

At night as he dined with Victoria in the bedroom William began:

"I received some very important information today."

"Information? About what? From who?"

"From Peel and Wellington."

"Were they here at the palace? And why did they come to talk to you?"

"Poor men, they were afflicted... Victoria, you know, your condition as woman and queen still leaves some men uncomfortable. They didn't know if they should tell you the news they had, since you are recovering from childbirth, and they asked for my help..."

Victoria made an expression of indignation against that attitude of wanting to preserve her just because she was a woman and had had a child... Moving away from the table and leaning back in the chair, as if preparing for a clash, she said:

"Very well, William! I already understood! But what did they tell you?"

"Elphinstone will withdraw from Kabul to Jalalabad because the place is indefensible, and he was given guarantee of safe passage..."

"But?" She asked, noting his stop during the speech.

"The climate and the territory are hostile. The cold and the possibility of an ambush put our army in danger. Wellington doesn't believe in the Afghan promises..."

Victoria felt a tightness in her stomach and said:

"I understand. If the duke says so... I believe in him quite a lot."

"Me too." Confirmed William.

"You want to tell me that we should prepare ourselves for the possibility of having bad news..."

"Unfortunately!"

Victoria smiled at William. He didn't withhold information from her! And he didn't treat her like a fragile being who needed to be protected from all storms. He protected her! Always! A lot! So that he made her feel absolutely safe! But he knew how to do that without ever treating her like a child, or a weak or ignorant being.

"Thank you, William, for making me aware of this situation!"

He smiled back and concluded:

"You're the Queen!"

To everyone's amazement the Duchess of Kent proved herself to be a very affectionate grandmother, captivated by that little being named Alice. Clarence House was a ten-minute walk from Buckingham, which allowed the Duchess to visit the palace frequently. Her relationship with Victoria was also tenderer, and William's acceptance as son-in-law was now more natural.

After two weeks Victoria got out of bed, but medical recommendations and those of the women around her demanded that she made no efforts, that she didn't get tired, and that she didn't leave the palace. Moving entailed inclusively the use of a wheelchair that allowed her to be pushed through the halls, but required that she was carried up and down the steps. Life was boring!

Now that it had been fifteen days since the birth and everything seemed fine, William went to Brocket Hall. On the way back he brought a bunch of white lilies to Victoria. Symbol of motherhood, and also of marriage and innocence. The gesture managed to bring a smile to her face and, deposited in a crystal jug, the flowers brought joy to her life of confinement.

Although Victoria couldn't go out, she gradually resumed political activity involving matters that could be taken care of at the desk. But William helped a lot with the red boxes of the dispatches. He read documents, made an oral summary of its content, wrote letters... However he never imposed, didn't try to control things. He gave his opinion on possible decisions, but left the choice in her hands. A young, inexperienced "little prince" husband would feel insecure in his position as "husband but not the househusband" and could take advantage of this phase, in which Victoria was recovering from childbirth, to take the reins of power. William didn't do that. He was neither insecure, nor did he need to assert himself. He didn't want to be boss or king. No, not only he didn't govern for her, but he also helped her to do it in the best way. His accomplishment was in her, in that she shone as queen. That which was between them was a perfect balance, and that inexplicable completeness!

They were both at the same table working together when the Prime Minister was announced by the butler.

Peel came in with a distressed look and said:

"Your Majesty! Your Highness!"

William thought about what nerves were doing to the man. In the past Peel had already treated him roughly in Parliament, and now here he was saying "Your Highness"! Peel changed color in the presence of the Queen, not knowing how to act and what to say to a woman monarch. And something must have happened for him to show that breathless expression as if he had come running from the House to the palace.

Before his countenance Victoria and William rose worriedly from their seats.

"Sir Robert... What is going on?" Asked the Queen.

Peel looked at William as if asking permission to speak.

He made him a sign with his eyebrows for him to talk.

"I'm sorry to say, Ma'am, but the worst has happened..."

"What? What happened?" Victoria asked uneasily.

William already guessed what Peel would say next.

"Although we were guaranteed safe passage in the withdrawal from Kabul, our troops were ambushed near a village called Gandamak..." Peel reported.

"And?"

"We lost 4,500 soldiers, Ma'am! Europeans and Indians..."

Victoria felt her stomach tighten.

William thought how wrong the perceptions of what was happening on the field at the beginning of the war were. And he was one of the responsible for them...

"They were accompanied by 12,000 civilians... families of the British and Indian soldiers, workers, servants, field followers... Women and children..."

"And these people…"

"They were all slaughtered, Ma'am! More than 16,000 people..."

William closed his eyes.

The ground seemed to slip beneath Victoria's feet.

Peel continued:

"Maybe some have been captured... There are no exact numbers... As far as we know at the moment only one British soldier survived: assistant surgeon William Brydon."

Victoria had tears in her eyes, but she couldn't afford to cry.

She sat down on the chair, her eyes on the floor.

William positioned himself behind her and placed his right hand on her back.

"Thank you, Sir Robert!" Victoria thanked in a tone that made the Prime Minister understand that she would like to be alone and it was better to leave.

Peel bowed and went away closing the door behind him.

William ran his hand over Victoria's bare shoulders as he passed to her front. He knelt and hugged her as she threw herself into his arms. It was extraordinary how he knew how to respond to what she needed at every moment. She needed him to hug her and he hugged her. Simply.

Victoria wept over William's left shoulder. Only in front of him could she cry.

"I'm sorry, Victoria!" He apologized. "I sent them there..."

Victoria shook her head negatively and said:

"You couldn't have predicted... The reports from our envoys on the field before the war began indicated that this was the right way..."

"This is the worst British military disaster..." William said.

"They were my soldiers... they were there in the name of the crown that I wear on my head, they were there for me..." Victoria sobbed.

They comforted each other in that embrace. Two people who shared the same life story and the same political story. It seemed like this way it was less heavy to bear. He knew exactly what she felt, what it was like to have the responsibility of lives in ones' hands. No other man coming from another state, without government functions, would understand this. Her life with such a husband would be a loneliness. But not with William!

After a week of riding on wheels Victoria rejected the chair and started to walk by herself! She couldn't take it anymore! She was not an invalid! Lehzen appealed to William so that he would make the Queen see sense, but he supported Victoria's decision. He let her be what she was like. A free spirit. He had the perfect knowledge of her, which no one else could reach...

The news of the defeat in Afghanistan began to spread. The political criticism against the party that was in office when the war had begun and against the ministers of that time began to circulate in Parliament, in newspapers, in pamphlets, on the streets... Melbourne and Palmerston were the names attacked. Britain had been humiliated in Gandamak. The British army had been defeated by tribes with only a dozen muskets among them!

Victoria wanted to speak with Wellington. She had always admired the old marshal whom she had a lot of respect for and believed in. Ever since she was a child she had heard stories of his military exploits. And she felt that he admired her condition as woman and queen. She hoped that he, as a war man, would be able to calm her down on this subject.

If she could go out, she would talk to him in the garden to clear her head. But she couldn't. She received Wellington in the green room.

The Queen and the distinguished marshal were seated in front of each other.

Wellington watched the Queen's worried countenance. So young, so beautiful (Melbourne was definitely lucky) and with so much weight to carry...

"And Elphinstone?" Asked the Queen.

"From what is possible to know, he is still captive to the Afghans. This man's leadership is a striking example of how the ineptitude and indecision of a senior officer can compromise the morale and effectiveness of an entire army. A fool who instead of leaving, was undecided until the snow came... Elphinstone couldn't lead his soldiers, but he fatally exercised enough authority to prevent any of his officers from exercising proper command in his place."

"But there were a few more survivors..."

"It seems so, some who came to Jalalabad after Brydon and a few others who were captured by the Afghans... Afghanistan is a miserable place, Ma'am, abandoned by God! Nothing but rocks, sand, and members of tribes that fight like tigers! We should have left them as they were... Those who did not die at the hands of the Afghans died of cold, sickness and hunger... There were those who lost their fingers because of the cold..."

Victoria was struck by the description and realized the implicit criticism of the decision to start the war, but she appreciated Wellington's frankness. He didn't treat her differently for being a woman.

"And now, Duke?" Asked the Queen.

"Now you have to lick your wounds, lift your head and walk forward..."

"But what happened... is too heavy a loss for England..."

"That is undeniable! But disasters of this nature have always occurred throughout History, in various states of the world... We are not the only ones, nor the first, nor the last to go through this."

Victoria thought that put like that, it even seemed simple.

"But how can this disaster be overcome, how will my subjects get past this?" She asked.

"The way it's always been done in the past... making more war. Peel has already started this discussion with his ministers, he should speak to you soon. We are sending an expedition to Kabul in a punitive campaign."

"Revenge?" Victoria asked, looking alarmed.

"Revenge, Ma'am! Now there is nothing else we can do... And that will make it possible to assuage, in part, the hearts of men..."

The doctor had recommend abstinence in the 6 weeks after the birth.

Victoria was eager for William and the fullness she found only in his arms, the pleasure of his skin spreading over hers. There were no words to describe the whirlwind of sensations that spilled through her body when she was under him! She needed nothing more than the delight of fitting into him! No strings attached! She thought of the satisfaction she felt every time he touched her, concentrated only on her and the intensity of the groans she produced with her mouth glued to his ear. She wanted to drive him crazy by running her tongue over his chest and neck, entangling his body with the nakedness of her legs open to receive him, to revolve again with him in bed or on the floor in the darkness of night, by candlelight or just by the flames of the bedroom fireplace crackling. She wanted to enjoy him again with her eyes closed, floating in the exuberance of the vibrant joy, lost in her. It had been so long! Before and after the birth... But she had to wait.

After one month, which seemed too long, Victoria was finally allowed to leave the palace, which was already an achievement. She would like to run in the garden or to go on horseback to commemorate the end of the confinement, but she had to undergo a postpartum purification ceremony that seemed to her to touch the limits of discrimination. Why was she impure? Because she was a woman? Because she had had a child? There was no other way. If she wanted to return to society, she would have to be welcomed back into Church, as the Duchess of Kent had explained.

Victoria submitted to the ceremony in the church, kneeling before the altar, with the Archbishop of Canterbury standing in front of her saying a few words and blessing her. Behind her were William, the Duchess of Kent, the Duchess of Buccleuch, Emma, Lehzen, and a few other members of the court. She noticed the words of the archbishop when he said that he thanked the Lord for having rid her of the pain and danger of childbirth and for expelling sin from her. Sin? Why was it that what she did with William, who had given source to their daughter, was considered a sin? A sin? It was a blessing! That yes! The Archbishop didn't understand a thing!

The first thing Victoria did after that was ride on horseback across the park with William by her side!

NOTES:

Dear readers, writing this story is a pleasure and knowing that there are people who take pleasure in reading it makes this process even more wonderful. But I must warn you that To Love in Brocket Hall is on the way to the end ... I wondered myself whether or not to give a warning, but when we read a book we also know that it is coming to an end and so I thought it was fair to make this warning.

I want to thank people who leave reviews as Guests/Anonymous because this website does not allow me to respond to those people's reviews. I can only respond to people Signed on the website.