I was watching TV in my room. "Big Dethklok-related news today in Sydney, Australia. The head of Dethklok Australia was violently assassinated by a team of terrorists who are referring to themselves as the Revengencers. Dethklok had no comment." I switched it off.
I whistled. "That's the second Dethklok-related terrorist attack. I'm getting really concerned."
Suddenly, Nathan kicked my door down. "All right, you skinny piece of shit," he said. "Get your ass out of bed. We're going to Wisconsin!"
"Why?"
"Oh, Pickles' brother, Seth is getting married and he's invited us to play at his bachelor party."
Seth? Pickles' deadbeat, yet somehow the more loved, brother? The same Seth that was released from prison? "How is Pickles taking it?"
"Oh, he's fine. He's so speechless, he's excited."
I think he's speechless for a whole other reason.
(!)
It was no surprise the tribunal got their hands on the invitation after Pickles threw it away. Their eye took it and explained everything that was going on. As usual, Senator Stampingston began the meeting. "It appears as if Dethklok is participating in a wedding. General Crozier."
The general put up images of Seth's criminal history on the giant screen as he explained, "Pickles' brother, Seth was recently released from Wisconsin State Prison after serving eight months for driving intoxicated, selling fake cocaine to an undercover officer and beating a prostitute with a brick."
Vater Orlaag added, "Seth is a violent pathological liar and charlatan. I believe his reasons for marriage may simply be for a chance to reunite with his brother's wealth."
"And he's more loved by his parents more than they love Pickles," the left eye said. "No matter how rich and famous their second born son is, they prefer their firstborn deadbeat. Then again, it's not surprising. The firstborns were proven to be the more beloved throughout history no matter how successful the siblings that come after are."
Stampingston introduced their new expert, "Gentlemen, our wedding expert, Dr. Milminaman- lanilim-swinwamly. Dr. Milminaman- lanilim-swinwamly?"
"Where do you find these guys?" the left eye asked.
The expert was a man with a bowl cut and an elderly feminine face. He spoke with a lisp, "Gentlemen, the American wedding is a dark and fearful sham. The event itself is designed to incite anger and drain loved ones of patience, support, and money. Most marriages fail miserably in two years. Others end in murder-suicides. A small percentage of them end with a term we like to call 'livable hatred'.
Vater Orlaag agreed, "Marriage has always been a black and repugnant sore on human living."
The expert continued, "Since the early 1900s, marriage has been spun by the vendors and marketers. The people that find it the most attractive are wedding planners, CratenBarrel, and the various religious organizations."
General Crozier stated, "Dethklok should be kept as far away from the institution of marriage as possible. Marriage is suffering enough."
As always, Mr. Selacia had the final word. "We mustn't intervene, General. We will allow Dethklok to experience the blackness."
(!)
The left eye met Mr. Selacia in private, bending on one knee. "What is thy bidding, my master?"
"I want you to keep an eye on Dethklok. Pickles especially. His bottled hatred of his brother may cause chaos. He'll do anything to get him off his back."
"And that is a bad thing why? Seth is a loser, but is more loved by his parents. However, this is mostly out of pity and they spoil him rotten."
"I didn't say it was a bad thing. I just want to know what that chaos could cause should Pickles finally rid himself of the parasite that has been draining him even before he announced his marriage."
"If it's chaos you want, I could hack into Seth's funds and leave him with nothing. He'll be begging for Pickles' for support."
"No. Attend the wedding. Do not do anything. Just watch."
"Yes, master."
(!)
In Tomahawk, Wisconsin, the band and I were ridding the Dethbus to that bastard's bachelor party. Pickles said nothing the entire trip. He just stared out into space. I had never seen him like this. I patted his back. "Do you need anything?" I asked. "You want a soda? Would you like me to shoot Seth with my blue whale tranquilizer?" He said nothing. "Ah, screw it, I tried."
Murderface said, "Well, normally I dread an event like this, but seeing how knotted up it's gotten you, Pickles, I'm sure I will enjoy it."
"Yeah, it's fun to watch somebody go through family hell," Nathan said.
"You think it's funny to watch your bandmate go through this," I asked incredulously.
"It's nots justs Pickles," Swkisgaar said. "Weddings are only good for two things: tax breaks and adultery. That's what I say."
Sweet, naive Toki added, "And kissings and huggings. And opens bars."
"Yeah, but, Toki, remember, takes it easy. Last time, I was in charge of yous all night. And yous was a sloppys mess!"
"Hey you don'ts gots to worry about olds Toki."
Nathan said, "Don't take this the wrong way, Pickles, but your... your brother's kind of, um...kind of a weird greedy dick, you know?"
Pickles said nothing.
"Oh, I think he knows," I said. "He's just too afraid of his own family to say it out loud."
(!)
We arrived at Pickles' childhood home and met his family in the attic. "Look, Pickles," Pickles' mother said. "Look how great your brother's doing."
Pickles was confused. "Oh, where am I looking?"
"Look at his house room."
"Well, you converted the attic."
"Look, he has an all-in-one fax machine. He's a professional. Go give him a hug." How could this woman love this loser?!
The two brothers hugged. Then Seth leaned into Pickles' ear. "Feels good, doesn't it? Fucking hugging your own brother? Being close to his fucking face like this. You got a couple of bones to fucking procure some fucking four fucking guys? I meant to restock the mini fridge. You know, run out of time."
Pickles was uncomfortable. "Whoa, uh, yeah, here's, uh..."
Seth glared at him. "Give me two, you know, five hundie. You know, maybe, you know...I don't want to sell this short, you hear?" Then he said out loud, "I got fucking Dethklok in my fucking house room! Ha! Fucking Mitch and Bobby aren't gonna fucking believe this. I'm fucking excited about you guys throwing me a bachelor party, fucks! Oh, and by the way, this is little Amber, the love of my fucking heart." He gestured to the woman next to her. "Isn't she an angel? Turn around. Turn around." The woman obeyed.
(!)
"Boy, there's nothing like love, is there?" Nathan asked when we went to the strip club with Seth. The leech was stealing his brother's money again and was spending it on women giving him lap dances. And his soon-to-be-wife was aware of it as well!
Toki agreed with Nathan, "Oh, no, it's great."
Murderface nodded, "He's really gonna be a good husband."
Pickles was, understandably, the only one concerned. "Should I be worried? I mean, he looks like he's drinking. He said he's not drinking anymore."
"Uh," I said. "He lied."
Murderface didn't seem so agreeable. "I'm sure he's true to his word."
Nathan nodded as he eyed Seth slurping down vodka after vodka. "He's having a lot of alcohol, but that doesn't mean he's off the wagon."
Toki turned his attention to two very ugly men in very shabby clothes. "And who are those goofballs?"
Pickles explained, "Oh, those are Seth's pals, you know? A couple of high-school dropouts who scam on teenage chicks and steal and run crystal-meth houses. You know, beat up kids, rob, lie, possibly kill."
"Why don't you have the balls to sever ties with this guy?" I asked the poor drummer.
"I...I can't..."
Murderface didn't see the big deal. "Awesome!"
Then the two losers came to Pickles. "Let's go, rich bitch!"
"Hey throw down some fucking cash."
"We're getting Seth a fucking lap dance."
"Yeah, rich bitch."
Then the drunk husband-to-be jumped onto the stage and grabbed a microphone. "Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, mmm! I want to invite you to Check out my brother Pickles. And Dethklok." The rest of his speech was just drunk gibberish. Pickles didn't respond. Not even when the two skimpy dancers danced for him.
"Hey, Pickle!" called out Skiwsgaar. "Trys not to get hepatitis C's from thats!" Then he admitted, "Hey, those girls are pretty skankys."
Nathan said, "Yeah, those girls are... I'd do them."
"Yes, I'd do thems, too."
Pickles looked like he wanted to run away. "Should we call it a night?"
But the drunk sod wasn't done with him. "Oh, no, you fucking don't! I just fucking ordered shots."
(!)
The Next Day...at a buffet...
Pickles' family were called in to have a family reunion at a local eatery with Dethklok. Pickles' eyes had bags under them. It was pretty clear he did not sleep at all last night.
Pickles' mother called out, "Everybody, can we have your attention? Sethy wants to say something."
Seth said, "I just want to make a little speech, you know."
"All right, Seth!" his loser friends cheered.
Seth ignored them. "A wedding-rehearsal dinner. Anyway, here goes. My big brother got everything in life, and I got shit. Everything was handed to him on a fucking silver platter. Things are gonna be fucking different." Seth revealed his true colors, that again, nobody took notice. "I got my fucking shit together now. I got a fucking wife and a fucking mouth to feed on the way so it makes me fucking responsible, you know." His eyes narrowed on Pickles. "And I got... I also got several business endeavors...you know, coming up with Dethklok. It's all good, you know. It's all good. I just can't wait to see what fucking Dethklok got me for a wedding gift. Thank you!"
(!)
Pickles ran out of the buffet and into an alley. Unfortunately, his way out was blocked by a fence. "He's trying to escape," shouted Nathan. "Get him!"
Pickles squirmed to get out of Nathan's grasp. "No! No!"
"What, are you gonna run away and leave us here?"
"I didn't know! I didn't know it was gonna be like this! I didn't know! I didn't know!"
Murderface punched the drummer. "A wedding! A family wedding!"
"Stop hitting me!"
"Can't help it!"
"Did you hear that speech? Everybody's on his side." Pickles couldn't take it anymore. "They... Let's leave. Let's leave now. Let's go! Let's go!"
I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed the drummer by the neck and kicked him in the penis. Hard. "SHUT THE FUCK UP, PICKLES! WHEN DID YOU TRADE YOUR DICK FOR A PUSSY?!"
"I'm sorry," he panted. "Did you hear him talking about Dethklok business endeavors?" I kicked him again.
"SHUT UP!" I calmed down a little. "Is that why you're so afraid of that loser brother of yours? Because everyone takes his side? Because they pity him?!" He stopped and looked at me. "You heard me! They're not doing this out of affection! They're doing it because they pity him! They know who the real god is and it's you! Why do you think Seth keeps asking you for money? He knows you don't need him, he needs you!"
Speak of the Devil, Seth came out. "Hey, Pickles! I need your, you know, credit card for a second." Pickles tried to flee, but Nathan stopped him.
(!)
The bastard got married at church.
(!)
The boys and I were at a soirée. Skwisgaar looked around at the people. "Heh, the Midwest. Whoa. A bunch of Swedes came here over 200 years ago and got fat and ugly. I loves it."
"Oh, you know it! Fats and ugly!" Poor Toki. He was wasted!
"Dude," I said. "You're drunk."
"Is not drunk," he muttered. "Youse drunk! Do I tell you hows drunks you ares?"
Skwisgaar seemed to agree with me. "Takes it easy on the sauce."
"Oh, yous takes it easy on the sauce. You're nots the boss of me. I gonna go gets another. You wants one?"
"Yeah."
Meanwhile, Murderface and Nathan were talking with one of the partiers. "Hey, hey. You know, there something I've always wanted to know. You're musicians. You can help me out. Uh, what's the difference between the guitar and the bass guitar?" They didn't know how to answer that.
Meanwhile, Toki got in another drunk conversation with a woman. "Me gonna do solo albums. All Toki. Gonna be called 'Toki is the king!' Hold on. Mmm. Oh, I gonna throws up. Throws up and takes a nap." And he vomited all over his shirt. "Good nights!" He passed out.
Meanwhile, Murderface and Nathan's conversation with the man became one sided as he didn't give them a chance to speak. "I got a niece. She's thinking of going to art school. What do you think? Is that something you think that might help out at all? You guys got that long hair. My mom had long hair. Does the stretch pants hurt when you sing? You know what I'd like to learn? To play the piano without a color chart. Blue, orange, green. Blue, blue. Blue, orange."
Murderface saw a life saver. "Oh, look, it's Shit Face and Dildo Licker."
"Oh, thank god," Nathan said in relief as he and Murderface walked over to Seth's loser friends. "What's up, dildos?"
"Hey, Shit Face!"
Shit Face said, "Hey, we're almost out of fucking alcohol!"
Dildo Licker said, "Yeah, it's all gone."
"Oh, you want to talk to Pickles right over there," Nathan said.
The two bums swiped the passed out drummer's wallet. Poor Pickles. He downed five kegs of absinthe when he got here. He truly was afraid of his own family. It seemed my words of wisdom were not enough to help him stand up to Seth.
(!)
Eventually, Dethklok took to the stage.
Pickles' mother said, "All right, quiet down, everybody. I guess Pickles' band is gonna play."
*Cue Life Sentence*
When the song was over, Seth took to the stage and snatched the microphone. "Well, this is the big fucking moment. The big fucking gift from Dethklok. Wonder what it's gonna be, you know? Should I open it? I think it's gonna be fucking sweet!"
A drunk Toki said, "Opens it!"
"All right here goes nothing." He unwrapped the present and pulled out a blender. He didn't look happy. "What the fuck is this, what the fuck is this?! You penny-pinching assholes!"
Toki drunkenly said, "It's what you registered for at CratenBarrels!"
Seth threw it to the ground and smashed it. Then he glared at the drummer. "Pickles! You piece of shit! How dare you come and ruin my wedding?"
Pickles had had enough. "All right, that's it! I'm gonna kill you!" Finally, the drummer grabbed his brother by the throat, strangled him then proceeded to beat the crap out of him.
Aah! Aah!
Nathan said, "This is great. This is some good drama."
Murderface nodded. "You can't pay for this shit."
"No, you can't. It just simply is."
"It's like an eclipse or something. You got to be there."
"Just, you got to be there."
The fighting stopped when the cops arrived.
(!)
On the dethbus...
No charges were filed against Pickles because...well...he's in Dethklok. Pickles felt uncomfortable with his bandmates staring at him. "Will you guys quit staring at me, please?"
"I've never seen so much blood at a wedding," complimented Murderface. "Awesome."
"Man, you really beat up your brother," said Nathan. "That was pretty cool."
Pickles still felt down. "But, dude, I feel bad for him."
"But you just beat him up. It was awesome."
"Why would I...I don't know why. I feel bad for him. I hate it."
"Then keep hating him," I said. "Cut off all ties with that toxic leech, feeding off your blood."
Skwisgaar gave some advice, "Oh, but it's nots supposed to make sense for, you sees, we are aimless hate-filled animals scampering away into the nights."
"That's right," Toki agreed. "For, you see, that's whats families is. Peoples whats you hates."
Pickles thought it over, then said, "Yeah, I guess you're right."
Suddenly, a hologram of Mr. Offdenson appeared. "You, uh, wanted to see me."
The drummer said, "Look, I feel bad about this whole thing. Can't we just give my brother a job and just get him off..."
Murderface groaned, "Oh, y-you really you really want that guy working for us? There's got to be a better way to solve it."
Mr. Offdenson had some good news. "Well, actually, Pickles, if you want to involve your brother in the Dethklok company there may be a job opening. A very dangerous job opening very far away. But if you were okay with this, he could be placed in charge of Dethklok Australia."
(!)
Mr. Offdenson's plan backfired. Seth paid Australia's entire police force to become his and his family's bodyguards, meaning there was no law left in the entire continent anymore, so there was chaos everywhere. Except for where Seth and his family was. That's why I decided to pay him a visit in his office. I waited for the sod to come to return and I didn't have to wait long. When he came in, he took one look at me and said, "Who the fuck are you?" A shot from my blue whale tranquilizer shut him up.
"That's for Pickles, you greedy bastard."
