Endure

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Car

Casey slowly became aware of his surroundings. His head was throbbing and his chest ached. When he realised the loud noises he could hear were sirens and that he was sitting in the passenger seat of Severides car he swore. "Sev?" he turned quickly to look at him and immediately sore the small gash on Severide's forehead, "Are you ok?"

Severide nodded slowly.

"Kelly?" he questioned again as he tried to open the door, it was jammed shut, "Are you hurt?"

Before Severide could reply firefighters and paramedics had arrived at the scene. They were immediately recognised and were soon c-collared and extracted from the car and despite both of their objections they were soon on their way to the hospital in separate ambulances.

Emergency Room

The ambulance journey had been disorientating and Casey soon found himself drifting off into unconsciousness. As soon as Severide arrived in the ER. closely followed by Casey, he still remained insistent that he was fine and that it was Casey they should be worried about. Casey was woken up by one of the ER doctors, he had no recollection of what had happened and the c-collar and backboard had him restrained. He panicked and as the nurse tried to reassure him she placed a hand on his shoulder and his panic only increased.

Severide pushed past the ER staff as soon as his c-collar was removed and made his way over to the other side of the ER followed by a nurse calling his name insisting that he lie back down, he had gained a concussion when his head had slammed against the steering wheel. "I'll do whatever you want after I've checked my friend," he stated as he pulled back the curtains to find Casey lying still on the bed, the c-collar had been removed, dry blood was still clinging to his pale skin under his nose. "Is he ok?" he asked a nearby doctor.

"He's fine but he was given him a mild sedative before we determined that," the ER doctor replied as he glanced at Casey's chart, he'd not actually treated the man.

Severide frowned. "Did you not see his medical record? I told the EMTs he has panic attacks, why did you just sedate him?" he spoke angrily.

"There wasn't anything they could do, he could have hurt himself, he'll wake up shortly they only gave him a small dosage," the doctor explained and saw Severide grimace in pain. "You really need to go back to your bed," he advised.

Lawson was sitting by Casey's bed, he watched as he woke up blearily. "Matt?" he said softly. Slowly Casey looked towards him through groggy eyes. "They paged me down here. You were in a car accident, do you remember?" he asked. It had been fortunate timing, Lawson had just been finishing off an appointment when he was informed that one of his patients was in the ER, he had feared the worst and felt relieved when he saw Casey lying on the bed after being told he just had a minor concussion from the accident.

Slowly Casey shook his head, "Not really. Kelly?"

"You've got a minor concussion but I think you've just repressed the memories of the accident, you were pretty shaken up, they had to give you a light sedative," Lawson explained.

"Where's Kelly?" he slurred.

"Bed fourteen," Lawson replied.

"I don't have to stay?" he questioned but he had no intention of staying no matter what the response was.

"You're not being admitted," Lawson explained, "We should talk about…"

"No. I'm fine," he replied monotonously. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, groaning when he realised that of course the crutches had been in the car and there appeared to none around him.

"Crutches," Lawson stated.

"I'm fine," he repeated as he stood up carefully.

"I'll go and grab you some Matt, take it easy for now," Lawson advised.

He hobbled carefully over to where Lawson had told him Severide was and pulled back the curtain. "Waiting for an X-ray," Severide explained when he saw Casey, "Should you be up and about?"

"They gave me a light sedative," Casey stated.

"That's why I asked…" Severide said.

"No I'm fine, I'm not being admitted, just a minor concussion," he insisted.

"Minor concussion? Have they seen your…" Severide spoke with concern.

"They have seen my medical record. I'm fine," he stated.

Severide sighed, "Well sit down before you fall down."

Casey sat down and slowly began. "Kelly…" he hesitated, "I don't really remember what happened but I do remember yelling at you…"

"You didn't make me crash the car Casey," Severide interrupted, imagining that his friend was blaming himself.

"I had no right to yell at you..."

"Did you hear me?" Severide asked and he watched as Casey frowned, "You didn't make me crash the car and I don't know where you've got this impression from that I don't care but…"

"I'm sorry," he spoke sincerely, "I don't know why I said it, I'm sorry and… I'm sorry."

Apartment

They were back at home, Severide's x-ray luckily revealed no broken ribs he was just going to be incredibly sore for the next few days, Lawson had spoken to one of the ER doctors and they'd gotten Casey another pair of crutches. The car had been totalled and it was going to be cheaper for the insurance to replace it then have it fixed. Casey had barely said anything since he'd apologised to Severide in the ER and that night they both lay wide awake in their separate rooms until the very early hours of the morning.

Casey woke with a start after spending his short sleep fitfully reliving the previous day's events crossed over with truck crash that had taken place about a year ago; the images swarmed his mind confused with the noise of angry voices and gunshots. He was sweating profusely but he shivered under the bed covers, he threw them back angrily and sat up. The sound of the TV was grating so he grabbed the controller from his bedside table and switched it off before throwing the remote across the room where it hit the wall with a clang as the batteries fell out. He was exhausted and his chest felt tight, a mixture of anxiety and anger swooped down on him. He sighed, frustrated at himself, before getting up off the bed and hobbling into the ensuite. After using the facilities he stared at his reflection, he barely recognised himself. He looked awful. Out of nowhere he slammed his fist into the mirror, it shattered but remained whole.

"Casey?" he heard Severide question after a few moments.

"Sorry," he murmured from behind the closed door, "Accident."

"Right..." Severide replied unconvinced but Casey heard him walk away.

He stood looking down at the blood trickling from the small cuts on his right hand for a while before he glanced at the cracked mirror and pulled out a small shard. He'd half expected the rest of the pieces to fall down onto the counter and into the sink but it was stronger than him and remained within the frame. Images fluttered into in his head as he gripped the thin segment of the mirror, he could see himself dragging it slowly along his skin, he could see the blood spilling out, he could see himself pushing deeper and deeper. He released his grip immediately and the shard clattered into the sink. He slipped his top off and looked down at the scars on his chest and torso, a reminder of pain and humiliation, he didn't want to cause that to himself, did he? All he knew was that he didn't want to feel like this anymore, he didn't want to feel anything, he thought longingly back to his first few days in the hospital where his mind had been heavily clouded with drugs. He shook his head, sighed and tried to dismiss all the thoughts in his head, pushing them back hoping they wouldn't keep resurfacing. He took one last look at his hand to discover that it had barely bled before exiting the ensuite and slipping on a fresh top.

He smiled broadly. "Do you want breakfast?" he called to Severide as he used his crutches to hobble into the kitchen.

"Sure, if you're offering," Severide replied from his position on the sofa. He was sitting up stiffly waiting for the painkillers to kick in, he ribs ached and he'd not managed to find a comfortable position to sleep in last night.

"Eggs, bacon or pancakes…" he listed, "What do you want?"

"You make good pancakes," Severide stated.

"Pancakes it is then," Casey smiled.

Severide frowned, unseen by Casey. "You seem happy," he stated.

"Good," Casey replied quickly, the word just slipped out his mouth because seeming happy wasn't exactly what he wanted because he didn't want Severide, or anyone else for that matter, to worry about him, "I mean, I am good… So I'm happy."

"I'm glad Case, I was worried that yesterday was hard on…" Severide began.

"I wasn't hurt, you were, hence the homemade breakfast," he smiled lifting up the bowl he was about to make the pancake better in, "It's the least I can do."

A few days passed and Casey remained within his built up façade unless he was alone, he ate because he didn't want anyone to become concerned like last time, took the pills because Severide laid out for him and he smiled and said that he was fine, he was good, he was doing much better, he was happy, when really he just wanted to go back, go back to when things were normal. Pretending everything was normal was the closest he was going to get to his wish but pretending didn't stop the nightmares.

"Kelly?" he called quietly from the ground, his voice didn't sound like his own, it was weak and his throat was painfully dry. "Kelly?" he called again. He used all the willpower he had, any energy had disappeared days ago, to push himself up and towards the wall closest to where he'd heard the gunshots. Agony washed through his battered body with every movement he took as he shuffled to the wall. He was panting by the time he got there and was sure he would pass out from the pain, he tried his best to hang on to the small threads of consciousness he had left and called out once again before the world around him disappeared and he slumped to the side.

He'd been calling out in his sleep and when Severide came he insisted that he was fine because he couldn't remember the dream before he apologised for waking him. After Severide retreated back to his own room Casey lay on his bed in the brightly lit room with eyes open and unmoving, he didn't want to feel like this anymore, the hopelessness, the sadness, pain and anxiousness, he didn't want to feel any of it. He grabbed the worn note from his bedside table, he read its words over and over again.

'I survived. I was hurt but I survived. I'm fine. I don't want to die.'

He stopped repeating its words and crumpled it within his hand before letting it drop to the floor.

More days passed in the same manner, Severide was back at work on light duties for his first couple of shifts, whilst Casey remained surrounded by the walls he created in his mind. He had spoken to Rosa several times but never agreed to meet up so he was a little surprised to see her at the apartment door whilst Severide was a work.

"Hi," he said with a shocked deer in the headlights expression across his face.

"Hey," she greeted softly before concern swooped across her face, "You look like you've not slept in days."

It took all Casey had to keep tears from welling up in his eyes, "I'm all right," he smiled thinly.

"You sounded…" she hesitated, "Sad on the phone,"

"I'm…" he began.

"Is there anything I can do?" she interrupted, smiling softly.

Casey sighed and looked down at her shoes briefly before replying. "It's nice just to see you," he admitted, "Sorry I'm not very good at this relationship thing…"

"Just fun remember," she smiled, and Casey didn't know what part of it was fun for either of them but he let her through door and into the apartment. "Hmm... how about you sit down, I'll give this place a bit of a tidy and then I'll join you on," she suggested as she took in the sorry state of the apartment, it was as bad as it would perhaps be if Casey were living on his own but there were still dirty dishes, empty food packets, glasses and clothes scattered around the place.

"Doesn't sound very fun for you," he stated.

"I like tidying," she stated, "It'll make me feel useful at least." She began to gather all the dirty culinary items when something stopped her. "Hey Matt," she called after studying some of the pills, "If these aren't working why don't you ask for something else? There are so many different SSRIs."

"Nah I'm fine," he replied lightly, "They're good."

Suddenly she asked, "Are you taking them?"

He scoffed. "I think Sev would have something to say about it if I weren't," he stated.

"Sorry… you just don't look like you've been sleeping very well," she replied honestly.

Casey decided it was definitely time for a change in conversation, he'd gotten up from the sofa and walked over to the kitchen where Rosa was still standing. "Quit tidying up my mess, why don't we have a drink?" he smiled as he began to open the cupboard he knew the alcohol was kept.

"A drink? Is that wise with all the…" Rosa began and she placed her hand on his to stop him.

"Just fun remember," he grinned repeating her early statement.

"Why don't we just watch a movie together," she suggested.

"Sure whatever you want," he smiled.

After the film ended Rosa left the apartment. Casey had been half asleep within the first hour of the film so she decided to call it a night without realising Casey wasn't going to be ending his night quite as early as her.

TBC