What doesn't kill us
Chapter Twenty Eight
This story was not supposed to be this long but it just seems to have taken on a life of it's own. Hopefully I can now start steering it in the direction I want it to go and they'll let me do that!
Across the hall Harry was also waking up. He felt dreadful, his head was pounding and his mouth felt like, well pick any one of a dozen different disgusting descriptions. He thought that he might throw up if he moved so he laid there for a while and let the feelings of self pity wash over him.
He'd been at his club last night with every intention of sleeping there; he didn't think he could bear another night feeling her hurt and disappoint flowing off her in waves as they lay in the marital bed striving not to touch one another. He knew that he was the one who was causing her unhappiness, knew that he should be the one to make a move towards reconciliation but what could he do or say that would make the bloody ghastly situation better? He was not physically capable of being a husband, he'd proved that time and time again and now he was sure that Ruth was almost to the point that she'd given up on him. That's why he was pushing her away, he knew in his heart of hearts that he'd lose her sooner or later, he'd after all married her under false pretences. God! He'd even been stupid enough to ask her to have children with him! That thought caught in his throat and for a moment he felt breath hard to come by. What a selfish, desperate, lonely idiot he'd been. What right had he to promise something that was impossible? It was just that he'd been so sure when he saw her that everything would be better, that she would save him, save him from the loneliness and despair that he'd seen stretching ahead of him Indeed that first time he'd seen her in the pub just the sight of her had been like succour to a dying man and in that moment he'd felt something he'd not felt for years. Hope, but now it was slipping away like sand between his fingers.
Leaving the house last night with the intention of sleeping at his club had been cowardly but he needed to get away from the unbearable pain he felt just sharing time and space with Ruth. Of course he knew that it was guilt that was making him act in the way he did but that didn't make it any easier and he kidded himself that he wasn't really running ,kidded himself that he was doing the best for Ruth by not waking her when he came home drunk because that's what he intended to do.
He intended to get as Drunk as a Skunk! Rat Arsed! Pissed as a Newt! He'd moderated his drinking at home but last night he'd really felt the need to tie one on so when he'd arrived at his club he'd found himself a quiet corner before he'd ordered a full bottle of Macallan Cask Strength single malt with the very real intention of drinking himself into oblivion; that was until he was hailed from across the room.
Closing his eyes as irritation seeped into every pore of his being he wondered why he hadn't had the good sense to adjourn to the Silent Room where no verbal communication was allowed on pain of being black balled from the establishment. He'd done his best to ignore the greeting and instead concentrated on the smooth amber liquid as it slid down his throat and into his churning stomach. Of course ignoring an idiot like Giles Percival was never going to have the desired effect; the man was as thick skinned as a bloody rhino!
"Harry Pearce is it you!" the man continued as he plonked himself down in a chair at Harry's side
"Let me introduce you" and he gestured to the two men who were with him "This is Hector Blanding and Oscar Elwood. Chaps I'd like to introduce you to the legendary Sir Harry Pearce K.B.E. Though what he'd doing here when he's got a beautiful,young bride at home I can't imagine!"
And the man guffawed to himself as though he'd said the funniest thing ever. Harry didn't respond to the goading simply acknowledging the introduction whilst attempting to make it perfectly clear that he wanted to be alone and they should push off.
However it appeared that Percival was on a roll
"I can see Harry that I caught you unawares there. Score one for me I think! Not often one can say he leaves the great Harry Pearce speechless! Yes one for me definitely!" Turning to his companions he said in a stage whisper "This sly old dog only went and married a cracker twenty years younger than himself! Maybe there's hope for us old un's eh! See he still can't work out how I know. Oh this is so damn satisfying! Well what he doesn't know is that my sister in law does the flowers in Salisbury Cathedral where the deadly deed took place. It's a small world eh Harry?"
And so it went on until Harry was about ready to kill somebody, his need to escape outweighing his urge to stay the night in central London. He called over one of the stewards asking him to put his bottle of whisky behind the bar until he was next in the club and as the saying goes "Made his excuses and left" Left that is with the comments of fellow members ringing in his ears all of the expressing envy at what and whom he had waiting for him when he got home.
As he walked down the steps leading from the club into Pall Mall the cold night air hit him immediately sobering him. Not that he'd drunk that much. Looking at his watch he calculated that if he hailed a taxi now Ruth would still be awake and that he really couldn't face another confrontation or even worse her looks and words of understanding and bloody sympathy. He turned and his feet seemed to take him automatically through Carlton Gardens, down Whitehall and into Parliament Street so that he was only yards from Millbank and Thames House before he was even aware of it. Was this he wondered some sort of pilgrimage back to a place where he'd ironically felt safe? Safe because he'd not had to prove anything to anybody, safe because no one before or after Ruth had been able to pierce the bubble that he'd surrounded himself in. The bubble that kept him and his emotions protected. Yes on reflection Thames House had been his bolt hole where he hid in plain sight! Well he thought with a snort that's all bloody changed. Now I'm out in the open and what's worse I'm one mass of walking ruddy emotions these days!
He'd wandered aimlessly about for a little longer checking his watch until he thought that the likelihood of Ruth being awake was long gone before he hailed a black cab. As it drew up outside their house he was pleased to see that all the lights were out and he fiddled for his keys as he handed the driver the fare. The man took the money but as was often the way with London cabbies he couldn't resist commenting
"Looks like the other half's in bed mate. Bet you're in bother. Good Luck!" And the man drove off laughing at his own witticisms.
Quietly he slipped into the house re-setting the alarms and because it was second nature checking all the windows and doors before grabbing a glass and a bottle before he mounted the stairs. She'd left the bedroom door ajar and he couldn't resist peeking in. She was fast asleep, hugging his pillow to her as if it were a life line. She looked incredibly young her hair which was longer now spread across the pillow, she was beautiful and she was his but for how much longer? All he had to do was cross to the bed and...He felt his body responding to his thoughts and for one moment he truly believed that he would be able to make love to his wife but then flash backs of all the cruel and painful encounters they'd experienced surfaced and he knew as his physical reaction to Ruth and her beauty subsided that it was better not to go down that harrowing road again.
Groaning as he recalled last night he felt sick to his stomach and it couldn't all be because of the amount of alcohol he'd consumed. No some of it was because of guilt. He'd tossed and turned all night going over and over in his mind how they could savage something from the train wreck that was their marriage and he could only come up with one conclusion.
It was time for him to sacrifice himself and his hopes and dreams for her for a change.
