For once, I thank God that Dimitri made me do all those laps when we trained.
Images flash in my head. A whirlwind of them and I'm trapped and blinded by the many, many pictures popping up in my head. Anything could be happening to Julius, my Julius. The annoying, sarcastic, impossible Julius that just happens to be my kind-of boyfriend. Because it couldn't happen to someone else, whatever "it" is. It had to happen to the boy who wouldn't hurt a fly, the one who I happen to have feelings for.
The one who helps me forget about Dimitri.
I push all thoughts out of my mind, all of them except the numbers I count every time my feet hit the pavement. I am sure I look ridiculous to other people, running, sweating, and panicking because I cannot even focus. I look back and see Dimitri right behind me, but I don't slow down. Even though it gives me comfort that Dimitri has my back, for whatever is about to happen, I'm still freaking out. I can't stop thinking about Julius and what or who and why or when or how and, God, I'm still freaking.
I turn onto the courtyard area and jog up the stairs. I don't even bother knocking. I just throw open the door and stand in the foyer like a complete idiot. At first it's quiet, and I almost come to the conclusion that Wren just pulled a very cruel prank on me, but then I hear crashing, the sounds of destruction, glass breaking. I turn to Dimitri and give him a questioning look before I run up the stairs to the end of the hall. The sounds are coming from the very last door, and I throw it open before I can think.
And I freeze.
It's almost as if time stops and only I'm moving, my pulse racing, my heart pounding.
Because, in that moment of complete silence and then utter demolition, Julius has gone completely. . . crazy.
There's broken glass everywhere. Lamps, plates, a mirror in the corner of the room is shattered and I can see my reflection through the hundred little pieces. I watch as Julius tears the curtains to shreds, as Wren and Henry cower in the corner, away from their psychotic cousin, and how Alexis is nowhere to be seen. I see Dimitri beside me, reaching for me, saying my name, and I'm trying, I'm really trying to come back to the present but there's so much glass and shards and ashes that I can't. I just can't.
But one sound pierces through the haze. It's Julius, his sobs, the almost silent sound that comes before and after he breaks yet another thing. I move just as Dimitri is about to touch my hand and I run over to Julius. I try not to get hit as he throws a glass vase at the wall behind my head. I'm shouting, yelling, screaming, trying to get his attention. Break through the barrier that has risen, that has let the darkness take over.
"Stop!" I scream, trying to get through to the entity that has possessed my Julius. "Stop! Julius!"
I don't get through to him, though. He continues on his rampage and I can see he's losing things to break, to shatter into complete and utter nothing. I know soon he'll move onto something else, a different room, and this time I don't even scream. I whisper the words to him, so that only he can hear.
"Julius, please," I whisper. I see the rage in his eyes, the path of destruction, the tangled web that he's just weaved. "Julius, it's me. It's Rose. I'm here. I'm here for you, so just stop. Stop and please, please look at me. I'm here."
I'm here.
That seems to be the only thing that registers to him and his shoulders go slack. The fire that was burning behind his eyes smothers and dies out, his body drained and I can see it. I finally realize what I saw in his eyes. But it can't be true. It just can't be.
But I saw what I see in Lissa.
He's a Spirit-user.
And if he's gone mad, then that means-
Dimitri sweeps in and grabs Julius before I can take action, interrupting my train of thought, and yanks him, pinning him against the wall. Julius is strong, but he's nothing compared to Dimitri. Besides, he doesn't even try to fight it. He lets Dimitri hold the shirt of his neck because he's gone limp and he's just staring. He's staring at me and I'm looking away because I know what is happening.
I want to tell Dimitri to let go but I just can't. What if Julius snaps again? So, instead, I let Dimitri hold Julius against the wall and think.
I know the Spirit is getting to him. Just like it did with Vladimir. Just like it will with Lissa. And Adrian. Except with Lissa, I can take away the darkness.
I can't take away what's happening inside of Julius.
"Rose?" His voice is quiet, and his body quivers. He's weak, scared, and I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything's going to be all right. But even though I might be there for him to tell him everything is okay, who's going to be there to tell me the same?
"Rose?" he says again, whispers almost. "I'm sorry." He shakes his head, and his gaze moves from me to the corner of the room.
Wren. Henry. Alexis.
I let Dimitri pull Julius out of the room and somewhere else and while he does that, I run over and put my arms around Wren and Henry.
"It's okay," I whisper in Henry's ear. I smooth back Wren's hair. She's not even a teenager right now. They're both afraid. They don't know what is going on with Julius and how he just. . . snapped. "It's okay," I say again, more to convince myself than them.
I lean back and hold Henry close to me. Wren shakes her head, closes her eyes. She looks like she's in denial. Maybe that's a good thing.
"What's going on, Rose?" she asks, and I hush her, tell her it's going to be okay. That's all I can say, right?
"Where's Alexis?" I ask once I'm satisfied that they are both calm and no longer terrified. Wren rubs her eyes and sighs, takes a deep breath. She doesn't understand. Neither does Henry. Only I understand, and maybe Dimitri, too.
"She's in her room," Wren answers. "As soon as we heard the first thing break, I told her to hide in her closet."
"Good," I say, running a quivering hand through my hair. I glance back at Wren and Henry and take a deep breath. "Why don't you guys join her? It might be a while before Julius is back to normal. I don't want any of you to get caught in the middle if he goes off again. Do you understand?"
They both nod and before I can say anymore, Wren leads Henry away and out of the room. I wait until they are out of sight for me to collapse to the floor, my own puddle. I pull back my hair and take deep breaths, tell myself it's okay. I know what's happening to Julius. It's the consequences of being a Spirit-user. It's the darkness, the madness that takes over and I'm the only one that knows.
Except for Lissa, but I can't tell her about this. I don't want her or Adrian near Julius. I don't want them influencing him to try and understand his element. I don't want him to understand that this, all of this could kill him if he goes to the edge. He just went to the edge, I think. But he didn't jump. At least not yet.
I pull myself off the floor and look down at the shattered mirror pieces lying on the floor. My reflection is what I feel like inside. A hundred fragments about to break and fall apart.
Dimitri has Julius in his room. He's sitting on the foot of the bed and his eyes rise from his glare at the floor and he stands. I pull him into my arms and tell him it's okay. I lean into him and he leans into me and we're using each other for support. I don't even care if Dimitri sees such a vulnerable moment for the both of us, a moment where Julius and I are sharing something more intimate that I've ever shared with anyone other than Dimitri.
I lean back and kiss Julius on the cheek. I smile, or I try to smile. I'm too tired to think or try to do something, so I just ask him to sit back down and so do I. Dimitri excuses himself and leaves, and again I wrap my arms around Julius, my arms around his neck, his around my waist. I'm tempted to say something, anything, but I just stay quiet. I can tell he's falling apart right now.
"What's happening to me, Rose?" he whispers in my ear. I pull back and feel a little surprised when I see his face is tear-stained, his tears having made lines across his cheeks. I wipe them away and shake my head.
"Nothing's happening, Julius," I assure him. "You'll be back to normal in no time. You just need to rest."
He pulls me close again, and again that intimacy pops up and I'm glad for it. This is more than we've shared since the day we have met. I hold on to him like he's my lifeline and I can feel the raw emotions radiate from his body.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers. I feel a tear fall onto my shoulder but I don't care.
"It's not your fault," I say and I lean back. I give him another reassuring smile and I pull back the covers. He crawls in, to weary to ask questions. He sits below the covers, I sit above, and I hold him until he falls asleep. He's like a child, in desperate need of something that's good, that's alive and not going to hurt him. And I guess, for him, that's me.
He's asleep, but I kiss his forehead anyway.
It's half an hour later before I look down and see the peaceful look on Julius' face. I slip out of his arms and out of the room, shutting the door behind me. I want to collapse right then, in the middle of the hallway, but I steel myself against the raging emotions and I go to find Dimitri, wherever he went off to.
I find him in the upstairs parlor, right beside Julius' bedroom. He turns around as I walk in and immediately I'm in his arms. He's holding me and I'm holding him. I almost feel guilty because I've held and I've been held by two different people in the last hour. And they are so different, Dimitri and Julius. How can I be caught between these two, caught in this tangled web because I loved Dimitri and I still love him, but I have Julius now, even if I'm not in love with him.
"I don't know what to do," I tell him. I'm enveloped in his arms and he strokes my hair. It's comforting, and I find myself closing my eyes and thinking, How can this be possible? Two different guys in the same house, but they are so different, and I care about both of them so much. Impossible seems to be fit for this situation, but all I feel like is lucky. Lucky I once was able to share intimate moments like this with Dimitri and now I can share them with Julius.
"You don't have to do anything," says Dimitri. "This isn't something you can fix yourself, Rose. This is Julius, this is his problem. You don't have to fix any of it."
But I do, I think. I have to pick up the broken pieces and repair the damage. I have to fix the puzzle pieces so they can fall in the right places. So that the next time Julius comes close to contact with the edge, he won't jump. He'll walk away.
"You don't understand," I whisper, burying my face in Dimitri's shirt. My fists clench the fabric. "I know why this is happening. I know how to help, Dimitri. I'm the only one who can." I lean back and look Dimitri in the eyes. "I can fix this."
"Don't." Dimitri smiles. It's a small, slight smile, but it's there. He brushes a strand of hair away from my face, tucks it behind my ear. "Don't try and do something you can't, Rose. You're not invincible."
"I can think I am, though," I whisper, feeling the slightest of his touch and almost jumping out of my skin because of it. "Julius is like Lissa," I explain to Dimitri. "You know what Lissa can do. What she has done. I can't let Julius do that, too."
I can't let that happen to Julius or Lissa or Adrian. They're all too important, they're all family.
"Dimitri, I can-"
"Shhh. Just. . ." His words are hot against my ear. He's pulled me so close by now I can feel his heartbeat. "Please, Roza. . . Don't make me regret leaving you."
And then I'm really in his arms, I'm reveling in the feel of his body against mine, his touch on my skin and it's like fire. We're fire. And then his lips are against mine, chapped but full of power and force because it's been so long since we've kissed and held each other in each other's arms. Because he's trying to remember me and my lips and their taste and I do the same to him.
His words roll like waves in my head. I can still feel the heat of his words against my ear. This moment, these raw emotions and this vulnerable attraction, I can't get enough of it. I love every second of it. Because it's me and Dimitri. It's him and me against the world. But most of all, it's just him.
And then it's over. Just like that. He pulls away and I feel dizzy and lost without the contact of him and me together as one. He cups my face in his warm hands and he leans in close, his lips barely brushing mine. And he whispers, so quiet I can barely hear it.
"I regret leaving you, Roza." He starts to say more, but then I mumble, "Yes," and I'm kissing him again. Again and again and again. It's like this never-ending wave of emotions and love and perfection and I'm drowning in it. I'm drowning in Dimitri's brown eyes and my hair and his hair make a curtain so that we can only see each other when we pull apart.
"Do you love him, Roza?" he asks. His fingers trace shapes against my lips. I don't think I've ever seen Dimitri like this, so physical and emotional and absolutely perfect in my eyes.
I blink a few times, then look up at Dimitri. "I. . . I can't tell you that," I say I see the immediate hurt in Dimitri's eyes and I hurry to catch up. "But not in that way. I love him because I care about him, Dimitri. Not because I'm in love with him."
"You said he treats you well," says Dimitri, "did you mean it?"
"Yes."
"Has he kissed you?" I see the look in Dimitri's eyes. I want to kiss him again but I don't. I wait and think, because why should Dimitri know if I've kissed Julius or not? Isn't that mine to offer or reject?
"No," I answer. "He hasn't kissed me."
"Good." Dimitri nods his head. "Because I want to be the only one."
Our lips come close, but we still hold it off. He still has questions, I still have answers, and I want some answers of my own.
"Why did you leave?" I ask, intertwining my fingers with his. "Why did you leave with Tasha when I was right there beside you?"
"Because I needed to," he replies. "It was so no one found out. No one can know, Rose. No one can know what we have or what we had in the past."
"I understand that, but-" He cuts me off before I can finish.
"I want to come back, Roza."
Shock. And then love. I stare at him and say in a cracking voice, "You do?" I want his answer. He really wants to come back. To me. To us. Maybe this time we can start over, we can be together and no one will judge us because he's older than I am.
"I do," he says. He kisses me gently. And then he mumbles four little words, four little words that make all the difference in the world. Everything good in those words, those- "I love you, Roza."
I want to smile and laugh because he never left me because he loved Tasha. He left me to protect me when he didn't realize he was hurting me.
"Unbelievable."
A single gasp escapes my looks. I break away from Dimitri and look toward the door with shock etched into my features. I breathe deeply. I don't bother looking at Dimitri because there is too much there right now.
"Wren," I breathe. I wonder how long she's been standing there. Since we first embraced? Did she see the entire thing? Did she just walk in?
My answer comes, for she shakes her head, a look of hatred and disgust on her face, and I can see the scene before her unravel in her eyes. She saw everything. "You're unbelievable. You're a piece of crap."
"Wren, I didn't-" I start to say, but she cuts me off.
"My cousin is in the next room in pain and you're in here MAKING OUT WITH ANOTHER GUY!" She holds back tears and even more repulsive words. "I knew it was too good to be true. You're nothing, Rose."
She turns and runs off. I stand there, gaping, until I feel Dimitri reach for me. "Don't!" I scream at him, ball my hands into fists. "This is all your fault!" I scream at him, fuel my anger. "You came back when I finally didn't need you anymore!"
"Rose, I-" Dimitri reaches out again. I slap his hands away.
"What kind of game are you playing, Belikov?" I spit. "Are you having fun?"
"I'm not playing games, Roza," he says, reaching out to touch my cheek. I take a step back, shake my head.
"Please don't," I say, and then I'm chasing after Wren because I have no idea what she's going to do or say and I can't let Julius know how much I have betrayed him. I have betrayed him in ways so horrible and wrong but I know deep down inside that I feel something incredible when I'm with Dimitri.
When I reach the hallway, Wren is already at Julius' door, her hand about to turn the doorknob. I know what she's planning on doing. She wants to tell Julius my betrayal, the way I so passionately kissed Dimitri when I won't even let him put his arm around me. I throw myself in front of Wren before she can turn the knob.
"Don't!" I say, venom left over in my voice from my conversation with Dimitri. "Don't you dare hurt him anymore than he already has."
Wren stares at me, hates me with her eyes and says words without even opening her mouth. It's all in her eyes. "You're a disgusting human being, Rose. I thought I could trust you. Obviously I was wrong."
"You're not," I say, I whisper. I stand in front of the door so she can't tell Julius the things I've just committed in the next room over. Oh, God, if he ever finds out, I couldn't imagine. . .
He would go off the edge.
"You're not wrong," I say, trying to explain and failing for my lack of words. "You can trust me."
"No," she says, "I can't. What were you thinking, Rose? Kissing that guy when Julius. . ." She trails off, bites down on her bottom lip. "He's been so happy lately. I. . . I can't believe you wasted something like that."
"Why do you want to hurt him?" I ask. "If you tell him, he'll be devastated. You just can't do that to him. Not after all I have done."
Wren shakes her head, closes her eyes, clenches her fists. She opens her eyes. "Fine," she says, turning her head and focusing on the wall so she doesn't have to look at me. Do I disgust her that much? "I won't tell him. At least not now. But just wait, Rose. I made a promise, and I plan to keep that promise."
I watch. I wait.
"I vow to make the rest of your time here miserable." Her bottom lip trembles before she stands tall and says, "I hate you." Then she pushes past me and I stand there. I just ruined everything. One kiss with Dimitri and I might as well be done for here. I should go, leave here until everyone cools down, until I cool down.
But all I want right now is to be with Julius so I can make up for all my mistakes.
